EPILOGUE FOUR

Chapter

16

JOHN: hey terezi, guess where i am right now?

TEREZI: YOUR HUM4N W3DD1NG

JOHN: considering that humans are the only species on earth c with the concept of weddings, technically all weddings are human weddings, so there’s really no reason to qualify it like that terezi.

TEREZI: WH3N D1D YOU G3T SO HUNG UP ON S3M4NT1CS

JOHN: when i became a real adult.

JOHN: speaking of which, no. i am not at my human wedding.

JOHN: that was months ago!

TEREZI: WH4T

JOHN: you forgot!

JOHN: i thought you said you’d try to make it back in time for it.

TEREZI: JOHN 1 T4LK3D TO YOU Y3ST3RD4Y

JOHN: ...

JOHN: wow.

JOHN: i knew time moved differently out there than it does here, but that’s really something else.

JOHN: it’s been almost six months for me.

TEREZI: >:?

JOHN: ok, well in that case, i guess i can forgive you for missing my wedding.

TEREZI: YOU C4N DO TH4T 1F YOU W4NT BUT 1 N3V3R 4CTU4LLY 4SK3D FOR YOUR FORG1V3N3SS H3H3H3H3

TEREZI: 4ND 1 H4V3 NO 1NT3NT1ON OF 4POLOG1Z1NG

JOHN: pff, it’s not me you need to apologize to.

JOHN: everyone really wanted to see you!

JOHN: kanaya, dave and karkat have all asked about you like, a zillion times.

TEREZI: R34LLY

TEREZI: 4 Z1LL1ON

JOHN: ok i’m *obviously* exaggerating for effect, but they’ve asked a lot. karkat says you’ve been ignoring his messages for literal years at this point.

JOHN: actually, now that i’m thinking about it... why am i the only one you ever answer?

TEREZI: ...

JOHN: i mean, we weren’t even that close, were we? not like you were with him.

TEREZI: DONT OV3RTH1NK 1T 3GB3RT

TEREZI: YOU W3R3 JUST TH3 MOST 4NNOY1NG 4BOUT B31NG GHOST3D

TEREZI: F4R TOO 4NNOY1NG TO 1GNOR3 H3H3H3H3

JOHN: thanks terezi.

JOHN: i’ll have that one put on my tombstone.

TEREZI: Y3S PL34S3 DO, 1MMORT4L1Z3 MY P33RL3SS BRUT4L DUNK1NGS

TEREZI: 1 G3T TH3 1MPR3SS1ON TH4T 3V3RYON3 1S GO1NG W4Y TOO 34SY ON YOU 1N MY 4BSC3NC3

JOHN: oh yeah, it’s seriously horrible. i’m suffering under all the positive attention from my caring friends.

TEREZI: ...

TEREZI: SO

TEREZI: HOW *W4S* YOUR...

TEREZI: D3FU4LT CULTUR3 P41R M4T1NG 3V3NT

JOHN: my wedding? um...

JOHN: good i guess?

JOHN: really good actually.

JOHN: you should have seen roxy. she was so beautiful in her dress!

JOHN: i mean, there were some awkward patches, but it was mostly ok.

TEREZI: 4WKW4RD P4TCH3S? L1K3 WH4T

TEREZI: W4S G4MZ33 TH3R3

JOHN: er, yeah. but he wasn’t that bad for once.

JOHN: he mostly just hung out by the punch and tried to touch jake’s ass.

JOHN: jake... oh god, ok see, the worst part was when roxy had to throw the bouquet, right?

JOHN: jane and jake are kinda, um, together now.

TEREZI: OH GOD

JOHN: and she basically ordered jake to catch the bouquet “or else.”

JOHN: i was seriously afraid for him. and then he didn’t even catch it!

TEREZI: WHY D1D SH3 W4NT 1T SO B4D

TEREZI: 1S 1T 3D1BL3?

JOHN: whoever catches the bouquet is the next couple to get married.

TEREZI: HUH? 1S TH4T TH3 L4W 1N HUM4N CULTUR3?

JOHN: oh, no... there’s no law.

TEREZI: TH3N WH4T SORT OF B1ND1NG CONTR4CT 3X1STS SURROUND1NG TH3 BOUQU3T TO M4K3 1T SO D3S1R34BL3?

JOHN: none! it’s just a thing humans do for fun.

TEREZI: SO 1TS 4 SUP3RST1T1ON

JOHN: i’d call it more of a tradition... although in the case of jane and jake, superstition might be a more appropriate word.

TEREZI: TH1S STORY H4S 4 LOT OF 3XTR4N3OUS D3T41LS

TEREZI: YOUR3 R34LLY B4D 4T GOSS1P1NG, DO YOU KNOW TH4T JOHN?

TEREZI: G3T TO TH3 JU1CY B1TS! WHO C4UGHT TH3 BOUQU3T? >:]

JOHN: um, well. it was jade.

JOHN: ...jade, dave and karkat.

TEREZI: 4LL THR33 OF TH3M?

TEREZI: DO3S TH4T M34N...

JOHN: yeah. they’re all dating.

JOHN: or rather... jade is dating them both.

JOHN: dave and karkat haven’t... exactly figured things out yet.

JOHN: and as much as i love jade, i don’t actually think she’s helped matters by putting herself in the middle of it.

TEREZI: HMM >:[

TEREZI: SOM3HOW TH4T DO3SNT S33M R1GHT

JOHN: i know.

JOHN: and that’s why it was so messed up that jade caught the bouquet!

JOHN: now i have to pretend to laugh and think it’s funny when she makes jokes about being the next to “tie the knot.”

TEREZI: WOW D1D SH3 R34LLY GO FOR TH4T DOUBL3 3NT3NDR3

JOHN: what?

TEREZI: WH4T

JOHN: what do you mean?

TEREZI: N3V3R M1ND

TEREZI: 4NYW4Y SOUNDS L1K3 4 TOUGH L1F3 3GB3RT

TEREZI: H4H4H4H4

JOHN: har har. ok you’re right. things are pretty good right now if that’s the worst thing i have to complain about.

JOHN: things’ll probably work out with those three anyway. things always work out between old friends.

JOHN: we’ve all known each other for too long for anything to cause a permanent rift.

TEREZI: SO

TEREZI: 1F YOUR3 NOT 4T YOUR HUM4N W3DD1NG R1GHT NOW...

TEREZI: WH3R3 *4R3* YOU?

JOHN: huh?

TEREZI: OH MY GOD 4R3 YOU S3R1OUS, YOU H4V3 TH3 M3MORY OF 4 CUTTL3F1SH

TEREZI: YOU OP3N3D TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON BY 4SK1NG M3 TO GU3SS WH3R3 YOU 4R3 R1GHT NOW!

JOHN: oh!

JOHN: i’m... at the hospital.

TEREZI: >:0

TEREZI: 4R3 YOU...

TEREZI: BL33D1NG? >:]

JOHN: what the hell, terezi?

JOHN: no, i’m not fucking bleeding.

TEREZI: OH

TEREZI: TH4TS UNFORTUN4T3

TEREZI: 1N TH4T C4S3

TEREZI: 4R3 YOU OK?

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: heheheh.

JOHN: actually, i’m more than okay. i’m great!

JOHN: i’m not here for me. it’s for roxy.

JOHN: she’s pregnant!

TEREZI: PR3GN4NT

JOHN: it means that we’re going to have a baby!

TEREZI: 1 KNOW WH4T PR3GN4NT M34NS JOHN!

TEREZI: 1T JUST S33MS... K1ND4 F4ST

JOHN: well, it’s what happens when people get married!

TEREZI: 4R3 HUM4NS NOT C4P4BL3 OF H4V1NG S3X UNL3SS TH3Y 3NT3R 4 CONTR4CTU4L 4RR4NG3M3NT?

JOHN: god damnit terezi.

TEREZI: W3LL? 4R3NT TH3Y??

JOHN: of course they are!

JOHN: but... marriage is what makes it special.

TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3

JOHN: what?!

TEREZI: OH NOTH1NG

TEREZI: YOUR3 JUST SO

TEREZI: ...

JOHN: let me guess.

JOHN: sooo dumb, bluh bluh.

TEREZI: W3LL TH4T TOO, BUT 1 W4S 4CTU4LLY GO1NG TO S4Y

TEREZI: 4DOR4BL3

JOHN: ...what?

TEREZI: 1 H4V3 TO G3T GO1NG, 1TS NOT S4F3 WH3R3 1 4M

TEREZI: GO S33 TO YOUR M4T3SPR1T3 JOHN

TEREZI: 1LL T4LK TO YOU L4T3R

JOHN: yeah, ok. take care of yourself terezi.

TEREZI: 1 4LW4YS DO

JOHN: hey terezi, i have something to tell you and you’re not going to believe it!

TEREZI: 1 4LR34DY H34RD 4BOUT HOW J4N3 1S D4T1NG BOTH J4K3 *4ND* G4MZ33 4ND UNFORTUN4T3LY 1 DO B3L13V3 1T

TEREZI: 1 D3F1N1T3LY COULD H4V3 L1V3D W1THOUT S331NG TH3 V1SU4L 3V1D3NC3 HOW3V3R

JOHN: no, i...

JOHN: wait, how do you know about that?

TEREZI: 1 L13D 4BOUT YOU B31NG MOR3 4NNOY1NG TH4N K4RK4T

TEREZI: K4RK4T 1S ST1LL TH3 MOST 4STON1SH1NGLY 4NNOY1NG P3RSON 1 KNOW

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: so you talked to him?

TEREZI: 4ND D4V3

TEREZI: JUST FOR 4 B1T

TEREZI: TH1S W4S 4N 1NCR3D1BLY HOT P13C3 OF GOSS1P 4ND 1 COULDNT TRUST YOU TO D3L1V3R 1T W1TH TH3 41R OF GR4V1T4S 1T D3S3RV3D

JOHN: that’s probably true.

JOHN: the whole jake, jane, gamzee thing is freaking me out, actually.

JOHN: i mean... they’re technically my parents, and a version of jane was literally my nanna.

JOHN: and now she’s... having sex with gamzee.

JOHN: ugh, nevermind. i don’t even want to think about it.

TEREZI: H4H4H4 1 HOP3 YOU H4V3NT S33N TH3 P1CTUR3 D4V3 TOOK

JOHN: dave has a picture?!

JOHN: wait, never mind. i don’t want to know, and i definitely don’t want to see it.

TEREZI: V3RY W3LL, YOUR LOSS

TEREZI: 1T C3RT41NLY 1S SOM3TH1NG TO B3HOLD THOUGH, 1 MUST S4Y

JOHN: whatever.

JOHN: so, what did you think, talking to dave and karkat?

JOHN: did they seem... happy?

TEREZI: NOP3

JOHN: oh my god, i KNOW, right?

JOHN: the whole thing is such a mess, it’s hard to be in the same room with them these days.

JOHN: i don’t even know the full story because dave won’t talk to me about it anymore, and jade seems to think that everything’s going just fine.

TEREZI: H3H

TEREZI: K4RK4T H4D SOM3 CHO1C3 WORDS TO S4Y 4BOUT J4D3S L4CKLUST3R BL4CKROM CONDUCT

JOHN: so... he doesn’t think the situation is great either?

TEREZI: NO

TEREZI: J4D3 1S D3F1NT3LY NOT 1N H4T3 W1TH H1M, 4ND 1T SHOWS

JOHN: yeah, jade doesn’t exactly have a whole lot of... hate inside her.

JOHN: in fact, it’s probably the opposite.

JOHN: i think she was alone for so long that it’s like she stored up this huge reservoir of love and she has no idea how to put a dam on it.

JOHN: i think she means well, and in most ways she’s really smart, but...

JOHN: socially speaking, i think she might be...

JOHN: kind of an idiot?

TEREZI: TH4TS PUTT1NG 1T L1GHTLY

JOHN: how does karkat feel?

TEREZI: H3S NOT C4L1G1NOUS FOR H3R 31TH3R

TEREZI: 1F 1 H4D TO G1V3 MY ASS3SM3NT OF WH4TS GROWN B3TW33N TH3M FROM MY BR13F OBS3RV4T1ON OF TH3 S1TU4T1ON, 1D D3SCR1B3 1T 4S

TEREZI: R3S3NTM3NT

JOHN: oh no.

TEREZI: R3S3NTM3NT C4N B3 F1NE 1N 4 SHORT T3RM BL4CK 4FF41R 1F TH3 GO4L 1S JUST TO F1LL P41LS 4ND 4VO1D CULL1NG

TEREZI: BUT 1N 4 SUST41N3D ROM4NT1C R1V4LRY 1T W1LL 4LW4YS SP3LL RU1N

TEREZI: JUST L1K3 1N 4 C4L1G1NOUS R3L4T1ONSH1P, HOW 1TS 1MPORT4NT FOR YOU TO B3 4BL3 TO COMMUN1C4T3 W1TH YOUR K1SM3S1S

JOHN: really?

TEREZI: OF COURS3

TEREZI: 4 TRU3 K1SM3S1S 1S JUST 4S MUCH YOUR L1F3 P4RTN3R 4S YOUR M4T3SPR1T 1S

JOHN: huh. i had no idea.

JOHN: not to be culturally insensitive, but i thought it was just like, you’d meet up every once in a while to do, like...

JOHN: “hate makeouts.”

TEREZI: JOHN YOU 4R3 B31NG 3XTR3M3LY CULTUR4LLY 1NS3NS1T1V3

JOHN: sorry!

TEREZI: YOU C4NT JUST S4Y “NOT TO B3...” SOM3TH1NG, 4ND TH3N GO 4H34D 4ND B3 3X4CTLY TH4T

TEREZI: 1T 1S 4UTOM4T1C4LLY PROBL3M4T1C

JOHN: i’m just asking questions!

TEREZI: X3NOPHOB1C QU3ST1ONS, 1T WOULD S33M

JOHN: man, not you too.

TEREZI: TOO WH4T?

JOHN: pointing out stuff that’s “xenophobic” all the time. but in a way where you probably don’t even mean it?

TEREZI: “DONT 3V3N M34N 1T”

TEREZI: WHY WOULDNT 1 M34N 1T?

TEREZI: 1S CULTURAL S3NS1T1V1TY 4 JOK3 TO YOU

JOHN: er...

JOHN: i’m just. all i’m getting at is... you’ve been talking to dave a lot, haven’t you?

TEREZI: 1 K33P MY CORR3SPOND3NC3 W1TH STR1D3R W3LL W1TH1N R34SON4BL3 P4R4M3T3RS, JUST L1K3 1 DO W1TH YOU

TEREZI: TO B3 HON3ST, MUCH L3SS TH4N YOU

TEREZI: WHO 3V3N H4S TH3 T1M3 FOR TH3 NONS3NS3 OF COOLK1DS TH3S3 D4YS?

JOHN: time? you’ve got nothing but time apparently, flying around out there for god knows how much longer.

JOHN: why don’t you just give it a rest already, and come back?

TEREZI: 1 C4NNOT R3ST WH1L3 TH3 M1SS1ON R3M41NS 1NCOMPL3T3

TEREZI: YOU KNOW TH1S

JOHN: seriously, it’s beautiful back here on earth c, terezi. so peaceful and harmonious! you should come check it out sometime.

TEREZI: 1LL P4SS

TEREZI: 4NYW4Y 4S 1 W4S S4Y1NG

TEREZI: JUST L1K3 W1TH HUM4N ROM4NT1C R3L4T1ONSHIPS, TH3R3 4R3 4LL K1NDS OF K1SM3S1SS1TUD3S

JOHN: wow, you changed the subject back so fast, i think i got whiplash.

TEREZI: Y3S

TEREZI: SOM3 K1SM3S1S R3L4T1ONSH1PS 4R3 OF TH3 N4TUR3 YOU D3SCR1B3D

TEREZI: BUT NOT 4LL OF TH3M

TEREZI: TH3 PO1NT OF 4 K1SM3S1S 1S NOT JUST TO M4K3 YOU 4NNOY3D OR 3V3N 4NGRY

TEREZI: TH3Y SHOULD PUSH YOU TO B3TT3R YOURS3LF

TEREZI: TH3Y SHOULD SH1N3 4 L1GHT ON TH1NGS 4BOUT YOURS3LF YOU WOULD OTH3RW1S3 1GNOR3 OR D3NY

JOHN: huh.

JOHN: is that why...

TEREZI: WHY WH4T?

JOHN: is that why you’re so determined to find her?

TEREZI: ...

JOHN: it is, isn’t it?

TEREZI: NO

TEREZI: VR1SK4 4ND 1 W3R3

TEREZI: W3...

TEREZI: UGH, 1 C4NT 3XPL41N 1T

TEREZI: 1TS JUST NOT 4S S1MPL3 4S YOUR3 M4K1NG 1T OUT TO B3

JOHN: alright.

TEREZI: B3S1D3S

TEREZI: BETW33N US, TH1NGS W3R3 4LW4YS SO...

JOHN: weird?

TEREZI: DR4M4T1C!

TEREZI: 4ND 1 TH1NK 1V3 COSM1C4LLY H4D MY F1LL OF “DR4M4T1C” BL4CK R3L4T1ONSH1PS FOR 4 LONG T1M3

TEREZI: 1F 1 W3R3 3V3R TO DO BL4CKROM 4G41N, 1T WOULD H4V3 TO B3 LOW K3Y

TEREZI: YOU KNOW... G3NTL3 T34S1NG

TEREZI: VAGU3LY 4NT4GONIST1C F33LINGS J4MS

TEREZI: SOM3ON3 WHO 1 COULD BOTH TORM3NT 4ND H4V3 4N HON3ST CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH

JOHN: when you put it that way, i guess maybe it doesn’t sound so bad.

TEREZI: TH4NK YOU FOR YOUR CULTUR4L S3NS1T1V1TY

TEREZI: 1 H4V3 H1GH HOP3S FOR YOU, 3GB3RT

TEREZI: ON3 D4Y, 1 HOP3 TO B3 4BL3 TO 1NTRODUC3 YOU TO FR13NDS 4ND S4Y, TH1S 1S JOHN. H3S NOT X3NOPHOB1C

JOHN: oh yeah? well...

JOHN: one day i hope to introduce YOU to people, and say, hi, this is terezi. she doesn’t suck shit!!!

TEREZI: >:O

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