carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND PREPOSTEROUS GIVEN OUR LAST CONVERSATION. CG: AND I GUESS PRACTICALLY EVERY CONVERSATION PRECEDING IT. CG: AND I'M PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DISGUSTING LIKE APOLOGIZE. CG: AND EVEN THOUGH I'LL HATE MYSELF FOR IT I WILL TOTALLY MEAN IT, I PROMISE. CG: LIKE, REALLY REALLY MEAN IT. AG: You're going to ask me to join your team, aren't you. CG: YEAH. CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW. AG: I don't seem to have much choice now! Aradia kicked me off the good team. CG: HAHAHAHA WOW THAT IS GREAT. CG: WAIT, SORRY. CG: NO WAIT, I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE NOW. CG: I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF FOR OFFERING YOU A SHITTY MEANINGLESS APOLOGY. CG: APOLOGY ACCEPTED, KARKAT. LET'S BURY THE THRESHER WITH A TOTALLY PLATONIC BRO BULGE BUMP. CG: BUMP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AG: You dork. AG: Do you really think your usual pedantic quips are going to 8ug me now???????? CG: I'M NOT TRYING TO BUG YOU I'M TRYING TO GET YOU TO JOIN MY DAMN TEAM, NOW STEP IN LINE SERKET. AG: I was just 8etrayed and a8andonded 8y my two accomplices and 8est pals, and on top of that I am soaked in the 8lood of my lusus which I just had to decapit8 myself. AG: So listening to a cra88y asshole 8e all tickled with his own mediocre retorts isn't going to spoil my evening! CG: OK, WELL, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THAT. CG: BUT I MEAN YOU CAN JUST DUMP HER CARCASS IN THE KERNEL AND BRING HER BACK STRONGER THAN EVER. AG: Wow. AG: Uh, good to know. AG: I guess. ::::\ CG: NOW WHY DON'T YOU HOP IN THE TRAP, WASH THAT NASTY BLUE SHIT OFF, AND JOIN OUR FUCKING SESSION ALREADY. AG: What! It's so rude to dict8 hygiene procedure to a lady. Under any circumstance! Even for douchey loudmouths with delusions of leadership. AG: May8e you should try to think a8out the dum8 things that fall out of your protein chute for once, Vantas. CG: BLAH BLAH BLAH. CG: NOW MY CHUTE IS DOING A FUCKING STELLAR IMPRESSION OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. AG: Anyway, you know my 8lood's the prettiest and you'd o8viously kill to have it. CG: NO IT SUCKS. CG: TOTALLY HAPPY WITH MINE, NICE TRY THOUGH. AG: 8S! AG: Why would you hide 8ehind your lame gray anonymity then? AG: You do realize everyone thinks that's totally lame, right???????? CG: IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS. CG: I DON'T SEE WHY IT SHOULD BE A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD. CG: I'M NOT GOING TO WEAR THAT SHIT ON MY SLEEVE LIKE YOU DO. CG: LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. CG: IT'S PRIVATE, SO EVERYONE CAN GO POINT THEIR PROBING BUSYBODY SNIFFNODES UP THEIR OWN IMPERTINENT SEED FLAPS. AG: Fine. Like anyone really cares! It's just lame and insecure. AG: So why don't you tell me what I've got to do here???????? I await instruction from my 8igshot a8looded leader. CG: OK FIRST THING'S FIRST. CG: YOU'VE GOT TO CONNECT WITH TAVROS QUICKLY AND GET HIM IN THE SESSION BEFORE HE GETS KILLED. AG: Uggggggggh. CG: WHAT. AG: Can't someone else do that? CG: NO. WHY. AG: XXXXO CG: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, JUST DO IT. AG: 8ut I h8 that guy! CG: WHO CARES. AG: This is your command decision? Getting someone who h8s a guy to save his life? Pretty weak, 8oss! CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN HATE HIM, IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. CG: IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD PITY HIM. CG: ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PARALYZED HIM. AG: I know. I don't really understand it. AG: It's just a really special kind of h8! It never goes away and it doesn't make a lot of sense. CG: THIS IS KIND OF A WEIRD TIME TO BE CONFIDING IN ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS OF BLACK ROMANCE BUT OK. AG: Oh god, what? CG: I MEAN IF YOU'RE REALLY IMPLYING TAVROS IS YOUR KISMESIS I THINK YOU'RE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB. CG: BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO HATE EACH OTHER EQUALLY, I MEAN LIKE TRUE HATE. CG: MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS COME SOMEWHAT CLOSE TO FITTING THE BILL BUT I DON'T THINK HE CAN HATE ANYONE, IT'S WEIRD, HE'S KIND OF BROKEN IN THE HEAD. AG: Fuuuuuuuuck, WHAT are you talking a8out? CG: I THINK THIS SUBJECT IS BEYOND A LOT OF PEOPLE'S GRASP BUT I KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT, NOBODY EVER REALLY WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT THOUGH. AG: Whoa really? Oh no shit, REALLY???????? CG: OK, MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY. CG: PITY IS OF COURSE JUST THE TONED DOWN VERSION OF THE CENTRAL EMOTION, HATE. CG: AND ALL THE NUANCES OF PITY MANIFEST AS VARIOUS OTHER KINDS OF FEELINGS LIKE WHATEVER CHEMICAL REACTIONS TRIGGER MATING FONDESS OR THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT ARE BEHIND MOIRALLEGIANCE. AG: Karkat, holy fuck. AG: So. AG: 8oring. CG: A WELL BALANCED PERSON IS IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION BETWEEN HATE AND THE VARIOUS PITY HUMORS. CG: HAVING A GOOD BALANCE KEEPS ALL THE EMOTIONS SHARPER, SEE I THINK THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. AG: Oh???????? AG: I hope you know I already wore out some good note-taking pens today. All the pens. AG: All of them. CG: SEE, MY HATE IS LIKE A FINELY TUNED INSTRUMENT BECAUSE I'M AWARE OF THESE PRINCIPLES. CG: I COULD HATE A HOLE IN PARADOX SPACE ITSELF, STRAIGHT THROUGH TO A NEW REALITY FRESH FOR THE HATING. AG: Hahahahahahahaha, you don't even know how much I'm laughing at this. CG: BUT SEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY ON THE HATE SIDE, OR AT LEAST YOU PRETEND TO BE WHICH IS MAYBE WORSE. AG: You aren't reading anything I say are you? You just want to talk and talk and talk. CG: AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HATING UP EVERYONE HARD WHEN YOU'RE REALLY JUST BURNING OUT THAT ENTIRE EMOTIONAL HEMISPHERE. CG: IT'S LIKE LUKEWARM HATE. PRETENDER'S HATE, WITH NO COUNTERPOINT AT ALL. CG: AS SUCH THERE'S NO REAL SUBSTANCE TO YOUR HATE, IT'S LIKE A CARDBOARD MOVIE PROP. CG: WHICH IS WHY YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, KIND OF LIKE TAVROS'S BUT ON THE OPPOSITE HEMISPHERE I GUESS. CG: OR MAYBE YOUR BROKEN BRAIN LED TO THE IMBALANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE, I DON'T KNOW. CG: WHATEVER THE CASE IS, YOU'RE KIND OF EMOTIONALLY SCREWED, SORRY TO SAY. CG: YOUR HATE'S TOO DULL FOR A PROPER KISMESIS, IN MY OPINION. CG: AND I DON'T SEE ANYONE CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL HONESTLY, UNLESS THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY BOTHER PITYING YOU. CG: AND LANDING A MATESPRIT? HAHAHAHA! CG: SERIOUSLY, LIKE THAT WOULD EVEN INTEREST YOU. CG: BASICALLY ANY FEATURE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL PROFILE THAT USUALLY MAKES SOMEONE VIABLE IN THE REDROM DEPARTMENT MUST BE TOTALLY FRIED. CG: YOUR BLACKROM POTENTIAL'S PROBABLY TOAST TOO. CG: HEY. CG: ARE YOU THERE. AG: Oh, yeah. AG: I started tuning you out. AG: Are you done? CG: NO WAY, I COULD GO ON. CG: THIS IS FASCINATING, TELL ME HOW THE FUCK THIS ISN'T FASCINATING. AG: Did you learn this crap from your awful romance movies? CG: THEY'RE REALLY INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY. CG: INCREDIBLY COMPLEX, SOPHISTICATED STORIES, YOU WOULDN'T GET IT. AG: Hey asshole, stop watching movies for girls. CG: WHAT PART OF INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND. CG: ALSO THEY'RE AWESOME, SHUT UP. AG: Argh, ok! Man! Just let me connect to stupid 8oy-Dum8fuck so I don't have to listen to this anymore! CG: YEAH OK. CG: OH, WAIT! CG: I NEVER EVEN GOT TO THE DAMN POINT. AG: What is it now! CG: I DIDN'T NEED YOU SPECIFICALLY TO CONNECT TO TAVROS, I MEAN I COULD GET ANY SCHLUB TO DO THAT. CG: YOU JUST HAVE TO GET IN HERE ASAP BECAUSE I REALLY NEED YOUR MIND POWERS. AG: You do???????? AG: I mean. AG: O8viously you do. Duh. AG: What for? CG: I RAN INTO SOMEONE HERE. CG: A SORT OF DOUBLE AGENT I GUESS. CG: HIS NAME IS JACK.