Karkat: Recruit Vriska.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND PREPOSTEROUS GIVEN OUR LAST CONVERSATION.
CG: AND I GUESS PRACTICALLY EVERY CONVERSATION PRECEDING IT.
CG: AND I'M PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DISGUSTING LIKE APOLOGIZE.
CG: AND EVEN THOUGH I'LL HATE MYSELF FOR IT I WILL TOTALLY MEAN IT, I PROMISE.
CG: LIKE, REALLY REALLY MEAN IT.
AG: You're going to ask me to join your team, aren't you.
CG: YEAH.
CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW.
AG: I don't seem to have much choice now! Aradia kicked me off the good team.
CG: HAHAHAHA WOW THAT IS GREAT.
CG: WAIT, SORRY.
CG: NO WAIT, I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE NOW.
CG: I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF FOR OFFERING YOU A SHITTY MEANINGLESS APOLOGY.
CG: APOLOGY ACCEPTED, KARKAT. LET'S BURY THE THRESHER WITH A TOTALLY PLATONIC BRO BULGE BUMP.
CG: BUMP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
AG: You dork.
AG: Do you really think your usual pedantic quips are going to 8ug me now????????
CG: I'M NOT TRYING TO BUG YOU I'M TRYING TO GET YOU TO JOIN MY DAMN TEAM, NOW STEP IN LINE SERKET.
AG: I was just 8etrayed and a8andonded 8y my two accomplices and 8est pals, and on top of that I am soaked in the 8lood of my lusus which I just had to decapit8 myself.
AG: So listening to a cra88y asshole 8e all tickled with his own mediocre retorts isn't going to spoil my evening!
CG: OK, WELL, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.
CG: BUT I MEAN YOU CAN JUST DUMP HER CARCASS IN THE KERNEL AND BRING HER BACK STRONGER THAN EVER.
AG: Wow.
AG: Uh, good to know.
AG: I guess. ::::\
CG: NOW WHY DON'T YOU HOP IN THE TRAP, WASH THAT NASTY BLUE SHIT OFF, AND JOIN OUR FUCKING SESSION ALREADY.
AG: What! It's so rude to dict8 hygiene procedure to a lady. Under any circumstance! Even for douchey loudmouths with delusions of leadership.
AG: May8e you should try to think a8out the dum8 things that fall out of your protein chute for once, Vantas.
CG: BLAH BLAH BLAH.
CG: NOW MY CHUTE IS DOING A FUCKING STELLAR IMPRESSION OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.
AG: Anyway, you know my 8lood's the prettiest and you'd o8viously kill to have it.
CG: NO IT SUCKS.
CG: TOTALLY HAPPY WITH MINE, NICE TRY THOUGH.
AG: 8S!
AG: Why would you hide 8ehind your lame gray anonymity then?
AG: You do realize everyone thinks that's totally lame, right????????
CG: IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS.
CG: I DON'T SEE WHY IT SHOULD BE A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD.
CG: I'M NOT GOING TO WEAR THAT SHIT ON MY SLEEVE LIKE YOU DO.
CG: LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY.
CG: IT'S PRIVATE, SO EVERYONE CAN GO POINT THEIR PROBING BUSYBODY SNIFFNODES UP THEIR OWN IMPERTINENT SEED FLAPS.
AG: Fine. Like anyone really cares! It's just lame and insecure.
AG: So why don't you tell me what I've got to do here???????? I await instruction from my 8igshot a8looded leader.
CG: OK FIRST THING'S FIRST.
CG: YOU'VE GOT TO CONNECT WITH TAVROS QUICKLY AND GET HIM IN THE SESSION BEFORE HE GETS KILLED.
AG: Uggggggggh.
CG: WHAT.
AG: Can't someone else do that?
CG: NO. WHY.
AG: XXXXO
CG: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, JUST DO IT.
AG: 8ut I h8 that guy!
CG: WHO CARES.
AG: This is your command decision? Getting someone who h8s a guy to save his life? Pretty weak, 8oss!
CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN HATE HIM, IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
CG: IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD PITY HIM.
CG: ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PARALYZED HIM.
AG: I know. I don't really understand it.
AG: It's just a really special kind of h8! It never goes away and it doesn't make a lot of sense.
CG: THIS IS KIND OF A WEIRD TIME TO BE CONFIDING IN ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS OF BLACK ROMANCE BUT OK.
AG: Oh god, what?
CG: I MEAN IF YOU'RE REALLY IMPLYING TAVROS IS YOUR KISMESIS I THINK YOU'RE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB.
CG: BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO HATE EACH OTHER EQUALLY, I MEAN LIKE TRUE HATE.
CG: MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS COME SOMEWHAT CLOSE TO FITTING THE BILL BUT I DON'T THINK HE CAN HATE ANYONE, IT'S WEIRD, HE'S KIND OF BROKEN IN THE HEAD.
AG: Fuuuuuuuuck, WHAT are you talking a8out?
CG: I THINK THIS SUBJECT IS BEYOND A LOT OF PEOPLE'S GRASP BUT I KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT, NOBODY EVER REALLY WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT THOUGH.
AG: Whoa really? Oh no shit, REALLY????????
CG: OK, MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY.
CG: PITY IS OF COURSE JUST THE TONED DOWN VERSION OF THE CENTRAL EMOTION, HATE.
CG: AND ALL THE NUANCES OF PITY MANIFEST AS VARIOUS OTHER KINDS OF FEELINGS LIKE WHATEVER CHEMICAL REACTIONS TRIGGER MATING FONDESS OR THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT ARE BEHIND MOIRALLEGIANCE.
AG: Karkat, holy fuck.
AG: So.
AG: 8oring.
CG: A WELL BALANCED PERSON IS IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION BETWEEN HATE AND THE VARIOUS PITY HUMORS.
CG: HAVING A GOOD BALANCE KEEPS ALL THE EMOTIONS SHARPER, SEE I THINK THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.
AG: Oh????????
AG: I hope you know I already wore out some good note-taking pens today. All the pens.
AG: All of them.
CG: SEE, MY HATE IS LIKE A FINELY TUNED INSTRUMENT BECAUSE I'M AWARE OF THESE PRINCIPLES.
CG: I COULD HATE A HOLE IN PARADOX SPACE ITSELF, STRAIGHT THROUGH TO A NEW REALITY FRESH FOR THE HATING.
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, you don't even know how much I'm laughing at this.
CG: BUT SEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY ON THE HATE SIDE, OR AT LEAST YOU PRETEND TO BE WHICH IS MAYBE WORSE.
AG: You aren't reading anything I say are you? You just want to talk and talk and talk.
CG: AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HATING UP EVERYONE HARD WHEN YOU'RE REALLY JUST BURNING OUT THAT ENTIRE EMOTIONAL HEMISPHERE.
CG: IT'S LIKE LUKEWARM HATE. PRETENDER'S HATE, WITH NO COUNTERPOINT AT ALL.
CG: AS SUCH THERE'S NO REAL SUBSTANCE TO YOUR HATE, IT'S LIKE A CARDBOARD MOVIE PROP.
CG: WHICH IS WHY YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, KIND OF LIKE TAVROS'S BUT ON THE OPPOSITE HEMISPHERE I GUESS.
CG: OR MAYBE YOUR BROKEN BRAIN LED TO THE IMBALANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE, I DON'T KNOW.
CG: WHATEVER THE CASE IS, YOU'RE KIND OF EMOTIONALLY SCREWED, SORRY TO SAY.
CG: YOUR HATE'S TOO DULL FOR A PROPER KISMESIS, IN MY OPINION.
CG: AND I DON'T SEE ANYONE CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL HONESTLY, UNLESS THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY BOTHER PITYING YOU.
CG: AND LANDING A MATESPRIT? HAHAHAHA!
CG: SERIOUSLY, LIKE THAT WOULD EVEN INTEREST YOU.
CG: BASICALLY ANY FEATURE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL PROFILE THAT USUALLY MAKES SOMEONE VIABLE IN THE REDROM DEPARTMENT MUST BE TOTALLY FRIED.
CG: YOUR BLACKROM POTENTIAL'S PROBABLY TOAST TOO.
CG: HEY.
CG: ARE YOU THERE.
AG: Oh, yeah.
AG: I started tuning you out.
AG: Are you done?
CG: NO WAY, I COULD GO ON.
CG: THIS IS FASCINATING, TELL ME HOW THE FUCK THIS ISN'T FASCINATING.
AG: Did you learn this crap from your awful romance movies?
CG: THEY'RE REALLY INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY.
CG: INCREDIBLY COMPLEX, SOPHISTICATED STORIES, YOU WOULDN'T GET IT.
AG: Hey asshole, stop watching movies for girls.
CG: WHAT PART OF INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND.
CG: ALSO THEY'RE AWESOME, SHUT UP.
AG: Argh, ok! Man! Just let me connect to stupid 8oy-Dum8fuck so I don't have to listen to this anymore!
CG: YEAH OK.
CG: OH, WAIT!
CG: I NEVER EVEN GOT TO THE DAMN POINT.
AG: What is it now!
CG: I DIDN'T NEED YOU SPECIFICALLY TO CONNECT TO TAVROS, I MEAN I COULD GET ANY SCHLUB TO DO THAT.
CG: YOU JUST HAVE TO GET IN HERE ASAP BECAUSE I REALLY NEED YOUR MIND POWERS.
AG: You do????????
AG: I mean.
AG: O8viously you do. Duh.
AG: What for?
CG: I RAN INTO SOMEONE HERE.
CG: A SORT OF DOUBLE AGENT I GUESS.
CG: HIS NAME IS JACK.

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