You once again try to be Doc Scratch, and fail spectacularly. You can't be him no matter how hard you try. It is impossible.
[In fact, I think it would be for the best if I commandeered the narrative completely for a while. I trust you won't mind if I speak in white. It's not actually negotiable, but as a courtesy I will enclose my words between a pair of visually audible brackets.
I am doing this because I can.]