DAVE: all that melodramatic sadbabble aside DAVE: i think its perfectly cool if youre still curious about your adult self DAVE: and i dont mind tellin you more stuff about him if you want DAVE: i know im still wondering about what my adult self got up to DIRK: Yeah. DIRK: Well like I said, any time you want to know more, feel free to ask. DAVE: kay how about DAVE: we do this thing DAVE: when i met roxy we did a thing DIRK: A thing? DAVE: yeah DAVE: its called the lightning round DIRK: That does sound like a Roxy thing. DIRK: Does it by any chance involve asking a rapid-fire series of questions, some of which end up being a bit too personal or invasive? DAVE: well yeah when she does it DAVE: we could be chill though DAVE: when it comes to asking about each others secret crushes and shit DIRK: Then I guess I will disclaim in advance that I don't have any, and I don't care about yours even if you do. DAVE: it is settled then on the fact that we are a couple of cool dudes who know where to draw the line on certain topics DIRK: Cool. DIRK: So how do we start. DIRK: Whose lightning round is this, mine or yours? DAVE: it can be yours go ahead shoot DIRK: Ok. DIRK: How... DIRK: Did... DIRK: He, um, DIRK: Come to "adopt" you? DAVE: i was a baby and i came down to earth on a meteor while riding a pony with a pink heart on its ass DAVE: he found me in a crater on top of a dead pony and gave me a lil baby pair of shades that look exactly like the ones youre wearin now DIRK: I see. DIRK: So you decided to ditch those shades for the aviator glasses? DAVE: yeah DAVE: years ago john got me these for my bday DAVE: it might have been like an "ironic dare" to wear them i dont remember DAVE: but when i got em i was like hell yeah im wearing these DAVE: gonna rock these fuckers til the end of time DAVE: they were ben stillers DAVE: like literally DAVE: they actually touched his weird sort of gaunt face in one of his films DIRK: Wait... DIRK: THE Stiller? DAVE: yeah DIRK: Incredible. DIRK: Also, such a shame what happened to that poor man. DAVE: wait what happened to him DIRK: I can tell you when it's your lightning round. DIRK: Or mine. Whatever. I'm still not sure whose lightning round it is when you're the one asking questions. DAVE: dunno ask roxy DIRK: Ok. Anyway, didn't mean to interrupt. DAVE: but yeah we would send each other stuff sometimes DAVE: me and john DAVE: well we all would DAVE: usually absurd birthday packages and such DIRK: We did that too. DIRK: Except I had to send things through time. DIRK: Always had to figure out stuff small enough to send through the sendificator, even if it was piece by piece. DAVE: nice DAVE: one time it turned out we ACCIDENTALLY sent presents through time DAVE: i mean not literally, more in a roundabout way DAVE: we all sent john a rabbit DAVE: but all three rabbits just turned out to be the same damn rabbit DAVE: because of stupid time shit DIRK: Once I deliberately and quite literally sent a rabbit through time. DIRK: It was a robot. DAVE: wow DIRK: He was a loyal friend to Jane. I don't know what happened to him though. DAVE: yeah i dunno what happened to johns rabbits either DAVE: rabbits am i right DIRK: I hear you, man. DAVE: what next DIRK: Hm. DIRK: You say he owned Cal as well? DAVE: yep DIRK: Did he come down to Earth on a meteor with Cal too? DAVE: i think so DAVE: that was a long time ago DAVE: kinda weird to imagine him strutting around with that puppet as a kid in the 80s DAVE: or maybe just kinda funny actually DAVE: he sure held on to it a long time DAVE: must have gotten attached at a really early age and just never let go DAVE: i guess you fell to earth with one of those things too? DIRK: Yeah. DIRK: But if I came to Earth on a meteor the same way you all did, then I guess I just got dunked right in the fucking ocean. DIRK: Which makes sense. One of my earliest memories is of using Cal as a flotation device. DIRK: So he sorta saved my life in a way. I guess I bonded with him too, the way your bro did, even if that sounds a bit stupid. DIRK: Then again, it didn't help matters much that I lived alone in the middle of the ocean. He was my only real life friend. I mean, until I built some new ones. DAVE: hmm wait we fucked up DAVE: i asked you a question its not my turn DAVE: keep firing DIRK: Ok. DIRK: How did your bro die? DAVE: he died fighting one of these jacks DAVE: at this point i almost forget which one DAVE: no wait DAVE: ok yeah it was the omnipotent dog one DAVE: the jack from our session DAVE: he was fighting like a lesser form of him and then jack got extra prototyped by dog powers and then got outmatched and stabbed with his own sword DAVE: pretty sure davesprite was fighting with him and almost died too but then it turned out he didnt DAVE: but now im at least 99% sure that davesprite is DEFINITELY dead and wont suddenly reappear as a stupid surprise or anything DIRK: I hate stupid surprises. DAVE: word DIRK: So, you said he "trained" you. DIRK: I'm guessing that means he knew what was coming? DIRK: Or, some things about your future, at least? DAVE: seems that way DAVE: not sure what he knew or how he knew it DAVE: all our guardians seemed to know bits and pieces of stuff and did vague mysterious things to prepare DAVE: to this day i have no idea if he was training me to fight lord english or if he even knew who that guy was on any conscious level DAVE: or it was more like general purpose training to be able to survive some hard shit after the end of the world happened DAVE: youd have to ask him but thats impossible DAVE: i do know he managed to get the drop on a meteor before i entered the game DIRK: What? DAVE: as far as i can tell he stood on top of it and split it in half with his sword DIRK: Um, DIRK: Not to be too much of a wet blanket on that rad as fuck anecdote, but that sounds kind of far fetched. DAVE: yeah it does doesnt it DAVE: but then again so does a baby getting dunked from space in the ocean then floating on a weird doll and then growin up by himself with no adults around DIRK: That's not far fetched. It was pretty straightforward. DIRK: I think I just found a building poking out of the water, climbed up, then I just started foraging for food in there like a feral infant. DIRK: Supplies which I'm sure your adult self must have left behind for me, seeing as he clearly must have known some things about the future too. DIRK: Speaking of which, maybe it's your turn now?