DAVE: yeah ok DAVE: questions about me hmm lets see DAVE: ok FIRST the fuck of all DAVE: what happened to ben stiller DIRK: He was deemed a heretic, and was crucified on the Washington Monument by some clowns. DAVE: wow DIRK: Due to his dedication to freedom and peace, he came to be seen as a martyr, and then a holy figure. DIRK: He was left on the monument as an example to all, but thousands of faithful gathered below to gaze up at his pious, sort of gaunt face. DIRK: For years thereafter, his followers would carve stone busts of him in his memory, capturing the piercing glare of his final expression. DIRK: But they were all smashed to pieces by the presidential church. DIRK: That religious movement didn't last very long. DIRK: Rumor has it the batterwitch had a lot of experience crushing righteous insurrections. DAVE: did my adult self get pissed about stiller DAVE: i bet he got pissed DIRK: Yeah. There was a whole series of final insults that led to his active rebellion, instead of just producing subversive media. DIRK: At one point, the witch "remastered" all of his films to clean up all the shitty artifacts, and released them in stunning high-def quality all over the world, using a rational business model and everything. DIRK: That REALLY set him off. DAVE: what the fuck DAVE: how fucking dare that woman DAVE: so then he tried to kill the batterwitch right DAVE: who is the same exact alien as the condesce in this session?? DIRK: Yes. Same one. DIRK: And yeah, he teamed up with Rose from the same era. DIRK: They supposedly put up a good fight, but both died. DAVE: so... DAVE: does john know that he is literally about to go fight betty crocker yet or what DIRK: I have no idea. DIRK: I really don't know John at all, or any of your friends. DIRK: I know Jane was the heiress to the Crocker brand. Uh, obviously? It is her name after all. DIRK: Was John the heir to that empire in his universe? DAVE: nah DAVE: i mean not to my or his knowledge DAVE: he just fuckin hated that company for some reason DAVE: i think his reason was literally as mundane as just being slightly overexposed to cake DAVE: thats classic john though he doesnt get pissed about anything except for the absolute dumbest shit DAVE: but i guess his instincts were right in this case DAVE: maybe we should just DAVE: not tell him DAVE: that hes fightin crocker i think the poor dude has probably had enough mental breakdowns for one adventure DAVE: we all have DIRK: I'd like to get to know him. DIRK: Not to mention Rose and Jade. Would have been nice to hang out and chat, in a circumstance where we weren't supposed to prepare for an imminent deadly struggle. DAVE: yeah DAVE: well i guess we could have hung out there a few minutes longer DAVE: i mean you wouldnt have got much outta jade who is stuck in perma-nap mode DAVE: just like old times i guess DIRK: Huh? DAVE: she used to sleep a lot DIRK: Ah. DAVE: but yeah there wasnt much time except for like a bunch of heys and oh nice to meet yous DAVE: and also i think i would have still been a shitty train wreck socially if we all just hunkered down right then and there for another extensive round of freestyle paltalk DIRK: Right, I was kind of nervous about lingering there for more than a minute too. DIRK: Mainly because of Jake. DIRK: I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. DIRK: I think I have done enough of that. DAVE: i guess jake was kinda like your john of the group huh DAVE: wait that was a pretty dumb observation never mind DIRK: Nah, sounds about right. DIRK: Seems like John was your close buddy growing up, and Jake was mine. DAVE: john and i never really had anything like a falling out DAVE: except for not talkin to each other for a few years on account of being on a meteor and boat respectively DAVE: but i guess you two had some buddy troubles or somethin? DIRK: Yes. A lot of buddy troubles. DIRK: I vaguely touched on it earlier. I was a really bad influence in his life. DAVE: what happened DIRK: A lot of things, that were mostly my fault. DIRK: Basically, I think I bullied him into dating me. DIRK: Although I had plenty of "help" from my Auto-Responder. DIRK: There were a lot of insane plans that he hatched on my behalf. DIRK: But in fairness, I went along with them. DIRK: To this day, I can't really tell how much of that bullshit was his doing, and how much was mine, which I've just covered up through denial or selective memory. DAVE: wait DAVE: you DAVE: you dated jake? DIRK: Yeah. DIRK: That didn't last long though. DIRK: It was really lopsided and kind of forced. DAVE: ... DAVE: so DAVE: you DAVE: ... DAVE: hmm DIRK: What? DAVE: nothing DAVE: i think were breakin one of the rules here DAVE: this tangent got too personal DIRK: Oh yeah. DIRK: I forgot we weren't doing that.