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Problem Sleuth
You are one of the top Problem Sleuths in the city.
Quickly retrieve arms from safe.
You've already got arms, numbnuts!
Retrieve your gun, there are dames to be rescued!
You are quite positive there has never been a gun in your office, and never will be.
Break through glass with fist to unlock door.
You don't know why you are assuming the door will be locked.
Thud.
It seems there never was a glass element to the door.
Take the piece of paper.
The PIECE OF PAPER was added to your inventory.
Manhandle the door knob, there are dames to be rescued!
The door is locked!!
Call the royal locksmith!
The most plainly obvious course of action is to call a locksmith.
Check pockets and desk drawers for phone parts
Unfortunately, your desk has no drawers, since it is a board resting on some cinderblocks with faux wood panel siding.
Get key
You pick up the gun.
John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster.
Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that?
Store candy corn in safe
Thinking the precious cargo may not be secure in your pocket, you explore alternatives.
Check the other side of the paper.
You have decided to examine PIECE OF PAPER.
Next.
Eureka!
Open safe.
You will use SEQUENCE OF NUMERALS on the safe.
Next
The safe doesn't seem to work.
Next
There is a painting of a clown under the safe cover.
Look under the fake wood paneling of the desk.
There is a flask of whiskey under the desk.
Get ye flask.
You pick up the FLASK OF WHISKEY.
Drink the whisky and remember the good ol' days.
How do you expect to drink from the FLASK OF WHISKEY when it is not in your jacket pocket???
Exchange gun for whisky, then drink.
You swap the KEY for the FLASK OF WHISKEY, and wield it accordingly.
OW.
You topple backwards on to your desk.
Use the key on the door and open it.
You re-equip your GUN so you can blow a hole in the lock to open the door.
Check what is taped to the bottom of the phone
As you stoop to look at the bottom of the phone, your finger slips and you blow the lock off the door.
Never mind, what's under the phone?
It is a business card for "Busts-R-Us".
Take card.
You put the BUSTS-R-US CARD in your inventory.
Walk out of the room through the now unlocked door.
The door still will not open!
Look through the newly made hole in the door.
No wonder the door won't open.
Take the bust's sunglasses.
You can't reach them!!!
Take a closer look at the mysterious clown picture.
The painting is exquisite.
Look through the eyes of the clown.
It's too bright in this room to see anything in there!
Throw a cinderblock at the door.
You're just so angry about not being able to reach those sunglasses, you're about to lose it!
Next
It sounds like something was knocked loose on the other side.
Peer out the window to see what floor you're on.
You face EAST in the room to look out the window.
Take a look outside.
Not that you can afford to pay much attention to scenery, with your mind wrapped around the latest problem to sleuth, and your lips, around your flask.
Ask the movers with the moving van to remove Starsky statue.
You shout toward the moving truck, hoping someone might be willing to bust your problem, so to speak.
Throw cinderblock at window, thereby discovering it is fake.
You think you have a pretty good idea about how your office works by now.
Pick up shard of glass and put it in your inventory.
No clue is too trivial for the keen problem sleuth.
What's that?
You catch a glimpse of the reflection in the glass.
Turn around.
Now facing SOUTH, you pause to marvel at the beauty of your office wall mural celebrating ethnic diversity.
Read the note under the coffee.
It appears to be another business card.
Using the chair, cinderblocks, and paneling, make a fort.
You stash the MADAME MUREL CARD in your inventory and set about making a really cool fort in your office!
Use your imagination to play make-believe.
Inside your fort, you are only bound by the walls of your imagination, and several small pieces of particle board.
Fantasize.
This is what being a hard boiled problem sleuth is all about.
RING-RING.
Something is ringing in your office.
Check it out.
Answer the phone in a very hard-boiled way.
You pick up the phone and mutter some impatient greetings into the useless receiver.
Throw the devil phone out the window.
You are fed up with your shitty phone.
Go look.
You're probably going to need to get that back somehow.
Crack open window.
Even though the window is broken, you decide to open it.
Next.
The window comes off the wall altogether.
Put window down.
The window/light box is plugged into the wall behind it.
Place false window in inventory.
The false window is way too big to carry around, stupid!
Use numbers from sheet of paper to open the safe.
You examine the heavy-duty safe.
Enter the combination.
You enter the SEQUENCE OF NUMERALS from the PIECE OF PAPER.
Crumple it up and throw it away.
You discarded the PIECE OF PAPER.
Shoot safe.
Your KEY is out of bullets!!!
Get cinderblock and phone receiver out of false window.
It's a long way down!
Unplug the window to conserve electricity.
You unplug the false window, which is probably burning through electricity with its powerful fluorescent bulbs and strange spatial warping properties.
Look through the eyes of the clown.
With the room darkened, you should now be able to see through the painting.
Next.
Gadzooks!
Push the curtain rod through one of the clown's eye holes.
You feel the the CURTAIN ROD bump into something not too far into the wall.
Get a look at the unobstructed view.
The man at the desk is talking to a client about some sort of problem which requires sleuthing.
Next.
It is your loathesome arch nemesis, Ace Dick!
Shout insults at Ace Dick through the clown painting.
You shout, but he cannot hear you.
Plug the damn window back in.
Inflated electric bills or not, you are getting sick of stubbing your toe on things.
Drop kick the door.
The door bears the brunt of the bottled-up shitstorm brewing within.
Examine aftermath of shitstorm.
The key which you can't actually see, and don't actually know is there, jingled a bit.
Throw cinderblock at the door.
You take the cinderblock which was formerly your fort's front step.
KLUNK.
The key still won't jingle loose.
Check out what's on the false safe.
Since Ace seems so intent on being able to see into your office, it looks like you put up something for him to look at.
Take the note.
You stashed the NOTE TO ACE DICK.
Investigate coffee machine-looking object in the corner.
It appears to be some kind of heating unit to keep the coffee hot.
Pick it up.
It is quite heavy.
Use hat as a key net, then throw coffee maker.
You resolve to catch the key with your hat.
Catch the key.
With quick reflexes, you shove your hat through the hole in time to rescue the key.
Pull hat back in.
You got the SAFE KEY!
Play back message on the reel to reel.
You keep the hidden recording device in your office to record anything said that might be incriminating.
Swap the safe key with the candy corn.
Your prized confections will be safer here.
Pee through the clown eyes into ace dick's office.
You remember you're pissed off at Ace Dick, and in addition to which, you haven't been able to pee once in the 13 and a half hours you've been locked in your office.
Use the key on the safe.
You unlock the safe with the SAFE KEY.
Wrap yourself in recording tape like a mummy.
Wow, what a fucking waste of time!
Barge into the room with wild abandon.
You enter your secret chamber.
Check out the paper on the floor.
It appears to be a note delivered to you from Ace Dick.
Play a haunting tuba refrain.
You can't do it.
Check out the paper on the wall.
It's another business card for an intriguing trade.
Put card in your inventory.
Get in dummy elevator.
You climb into the elevator, sometimes called a dumbwaiter.
Go down.
The dumbwaiter goes down a little bit, then stops.
Peep through the slit.
It's hard to see anything through it.
Listen.
It's Ace Dick's office again.
Next.
He seems to be wondering if he has the right business card.
Feed your "BUSTS-R-US" card through slot.
You deposit into the slot the BUSTS-R-US card.
But pee on the card beforehand.
A little too late, you realize you should have peed on the card to stick it to Ace.
CUT SCENE
Ace Dick picks up the card and puts it in his inventory.
Next.
He calls the number, hoping this one will bring satisfaction.
Next.
After a little while, some whores show up.
END CUT SCENE.
It looks like Ace got the better of you once again.
Take swig from FLASK OF WHISKEY.
Feelings of dejection overwhelm you.
Clean horns.
Suddenly, you are entirely dissatisfied with the condition of these horns.
Back to the ol' fort!
In your heightened state of IMAGINATION, you fall down the stairs.
Hurry!
You feel safe and sound in the cozy confines of your wobbly particle board walls.
Drift into realm of make-believe.
Next.
You stand in your imaginary office.
Answer the imaginary phone.
You answer the phone in the best Depression-era fast-talking way possible.
Eat steak dinners with hands.
The steak dinners have been sitting around for a while.
Gorge yourself on imaginary candy corn.
They don't taste as good as real candy corn.
Try to take imaginary gun back into real world.
You pick up the gun.
Stride confidently through office door.
You exit your office, into the hallway.
Go harass Ace Dick.
You burst through Ace Dick's imaginary door, rolling up your nonexistent sleeves.
Leave room.
You exit, but not before you leave and imaginary present on the floor.
Next.
You are now facing SOUTH in the hallway.
Enter the P.I. room.
You hear noises behind the door.
Follow the EXIT sign.
You feel your IMAGINATION beginning to fade, so you hurry downstairs to the imaginary street.
Look up at your office window.
You see a familiar face through the window.
Next.
Your IMAGINATION wears off.
Next.
You experience the lingering effects of your IMAGINATION.
Chug coffee with no regard for temperature.
You drink the COFFEE which is lukewarm.
Get candy corn.
You put the CANDY CORN into your HAT.
Go check it out.
Your phone is now missing three components, making it that much more difficult to answer this call from an undoubtedly hysterical dame.
Flip window upside-down and shake to retrieve phone.
You try to shake your belongings from the blasted portal.
Next.
It appears to run on Etch-A-Sketch technology.
Make lasso out of tape and pull phone back in.
You use the magnetic tape to form a lasso.
Cut to the chase and use cinderblock.
You tie the tape to a cinderblock, using it as an anchor.
Throw out window.
Examine the mural for hidden clues.
It looks like there are two holes in the mural.
Look through them.
You unplug the window again and have a gander.
Next.
It's an UNPLEASANT NOTE.
Poke curtain rod at note.
A painting of an elf jostles on the other side.
Look through elf holes.
It is the office of yet another one of your competitors, Pickle Inspector.
Next.
You suddenly hear noises coming from Ace Dick's office.
Take a look.
The whores tied Ace Dick up in a chair and stole his phone.
REJOICE!
You celebrate by mustering one of the silliest dances you've attempted in hours.
Next.
Ace Dick hears your shenanigans from the other side.
Try to get the Hutch bust's attention.
You can't imagine how you can get a statue's attention.
Climb down the tape to retrieve your things.
The reel is way too weak to hold your weight!
Activate the reel-to-reel.
The reel begins to turn, pulling the tape taught.
Give Ace piece of glass to cut rope.
You go into the back room and down the elevator.
Slip glass through slot.
Ace receives the SHARD OF GLASS.
Next.
You are now Ace Dick.
Check behind paper stuck to door for combo.
You can't pull it off!
Throw Hutch bust at it.
Using your extraordinary strength due to your unusually high VIM characteristic, you lift the bust easily.
Throw.
You send the Owen Wilson paper-ward.
Next.
The bust crashed through the window, knocking out an employee of Madame Murel.
Next.
The scaffold continues rolling, coming to a stop in front of your door, jamming it shut.
Next.
You and Problem Sleuth will have to work together if you want to escape.
AD: Reach through window and move scaffolding out of the way
The scaffolding is jammed in place!
Ok, forget it then.
AD: Pick up tommy gun.
I beg your pardon?
AD: Get the phone pieces sitting around.
You put the PHONE PARTS in your inventory.
AD: Slip PS his phone parts.
You slip the PHONE PARTS through the slot to an awaiting Problem Sleuth.
Next.
But he is not waiting for them in the dumbwaiter!!
AD: Look inside Huggy Bear statue for riches.
There is a HAMMER in the broken Snoop Dogg bust.
PS: Climb halfway out window, then unplug window.
The window loses it's extra-dimensional portal properties, and severs you mid-way through.
No wait, don't do that.
You're not sure what you were thinking.
PS: Check behind clown poster.
Behind the poster is another clown drawn directly on the metal.
AD: Pounce on keys before they disappear.
You pick up the RING OF KEYS.
Ok, cool.
Armed with your TOMMY GUN, you are one hard boiled lug.
PS: Go into dumbwaiter so you can receive an item.
You go down the dumbwaiter.
AD: Examine notes.
You recognize both of these notes.
AD: Use it to open safe.
You enter the combination.
AD: Go look through pig painting to see what PS is up to.
You have to unplug your large panoramic window from its portable generator first.
Unplug window.
Look through holes.
AUGH.
You topple backwards on to your particle board desk.
AD: Throw Snoop Dogg through big window portal.
First you organize all of the particle board into a neat pile to reduce clutter.
Throw.
The bust crumbles against the rigid surface of the unplugged window.
AD: Examine the cruet next to the Snoop Dogg bust.
First you plug the window back in so you stop stubbing your toe on things.
AD: Examine rope.
You pick up the ROPE.
AD: Use tommygun on safe keyholes.
You use your RING OF KEYS to unlock the key holes on the safe.
Next.
The RING OF KEYS blows a hole in the safe.
AD: Throw hammer through window.
Now that the window is plugged in, you may effectively vent your rage with a heavy object.
AD: Get candy corn in preparation of your own vampire act.
You pick up CANDY CORN and SMALL KEY.
PS: Look through clown picture at Ace.
AD: Candy corn vampire.
Ace Dick ate the candy corn.
Next.
Ace enjoys a small boost in PULCHRITUDE from the candy.
AD: Build fort.
You figure it's time to do something constructive for a change.
AD: See what you have stashed in the safe.
You can't reach the opening!
AD: Throw fort out window.
That's the stupidest idea you've ever had!
AD: Use bust stand as a step to access the safe.
By stacking two bust stands, you can easily reach the safe opening.
Go in.
It's your secret hideaway, a great place for ducking into when being persecuted by unscrupulous whores.
Go up dumbwaiter.
Next.
The dumbwaiter goes up, revealing the PHONE PARTS which had fallen down the shaft earlier.
PS: Get phone parts and hook them up to your phone.
Your phone is now 2/3 complete.
AD: Exit dumbwaiter.
Open door lock with tommygun.
You throw your RING OF KEYS at the lock.
Pick up keys.
You pick up your TOMMY GUN.
AD: Use rope to escape office through window.
You won't need to use the ROPE to escape through the window.
Go down stairs.
Next.
The stairs end at the roof of an adjacent building.
Look in window.
It's Pickle Inspector, the poor sap trapped in his office by that petty bastard, Problem Sleuth.
Next.
You suddenly feel weird about standing on the other side of an unpowered window.
Next.
A frightening beast appears!!!
PS: Alert Pickle Inspector to turn on his window.
You have a feeling your portly ally is in trouble somehow.
PS: Drink whiskey and go into fort.
You decide to take the matter up with him directly.
AD: Address this beast situation.
AD: Appease the beast by doing the truffle shuffle.
In a stirring homage to the tubby boy "Chunk" in The Goonies, you lift your shirt and produce the most blubber-jostling jig you can muster.
AD: No, wait, never mind.
You really like The Goonies, and you think the beast probably does too, but you think a little restraint is called for in this situation.
AD: Use your KEYS to kill the beast.
You squeeze the trigger of your TOMMY GUN and fill the creature with lead.
AD: Get the fuck out of here!!!
You run up the stairs into the safety of your window.
AD: Vomit up key.
You can't just vomit things on command!
AD: Take a healthy swig of whiskey to restore some vim.
Well, ok, it's not whiskey, but you decide to open your CRUET OF BRANDY and throw back a stiff belt.
AD: Go into fort.
Next.
You are standing in your imaginary office.
AD: Pick up poorly drawn gun.
You pick up the SHITTY GUN.
AD: Head over to PI's place for imaginary mixer.
Problem Sleuth is already there, trying to get into the locked office.
AD: Knock furiously on the door.
You shatter the glass with your beefy fist.
Look inside.
It is Pickle Inspector's imaginary office.
Next.
Problem Sleuth is gone.
Follow him.
You find Problem Sleuth on the street.
PS: Send tape up with hammer and phone part.
You let go of the tape.
...
A terrifying beast appears!!!
PS: Get that dog-walking gentleman to help you out.
The gentleman appear to be a brainless nonentity!!!
AD: Use half-dead body as a bait for that monster.
The beast gobbles the torso.
AD and PS: fire at will!
Your imaginary guns seem to be no more effective than pea shooters.
AD: Get closer to the beast and fire.
You stand on the cinderblocks and take aim.
Next.
Ace Dick has returned to the physical plane.
Check on imaginary battle.
Problem Sleuth has been slain by the beast.
Next.
You wake up from your imaginary boss battle with a very real hangover.
PS: Plug window back in, examine loot tied to tape.
The recording device reeled in the PHONE RECEIVER and the HAMMER.
PS: Put your phone back together.
Finally, you can field some phone calls from flustered broads!
PS: Call PI with newly assembled phone.
You don't know Pickle Inspector's number, or if he even has a phone.
AD: Search through your vomit to find your key.
You pick up the SMALL KEY.
AD: Check if the key works on the lock in the safe room.
You unlock the lock and open the door.
PS: Use hammer to pry boards off door in safe room.
You pry at the boards with the HAMMER.
AD and PS: Examine rooms.
You are now Pickle Inspector.
Look around room.
You examine your surroundings.
Pick up hairpin.
You equip the HAIRPIN.
Ok, sweet.
Armed with the MACHINE GUN, you are an unstoppable murdering machine.
Next.
You drop the MACHINE GUN.
PI: Take a look out hole in door.
A trombone is wedged between the door and the wall.
PI: Replace the cover on the elf picture, it bothers you.
You try to push the safe closed, but it is too heavy!
PI: Eat Smarties to boost vim.
They are not Smarties, they are Tootsie Rolls!
PI: Become homoerotically interested in your fan.
You attempt to woo your fan by turning it on.
PI: Look at card.
You place the GLASS BLOWERS INC.
AH: Become homoerotically interested in your fan.
Andrew Hussie becomes aroused by fans of MS Paint Adventures.
PS, AD, and PI: DANCE!
Yeah!!!
Next.
Ace Dick enters the back room.
Next.
Problem Sleuth enters the back room.
PI: Take a hearty swig from mysterious bottles.
The first bottle contains ILLICIT MOONSHINE.
AD: Load keys and use on target on ceiling.
You pick up the HANGUN BULLET(S).
Ok, fire Tommy gun at target.
You point the RING OF KEYS target-ward.
CUT SCENE
The room above is a busy speakeasy.
Next.
Bullets pierce the floor in a semi-circular pattern around the bust.
Next.
The gunfire ignited the potent fumes from the stills.
PI: Break the glass in the door, dislodging the trombone
You take a limp-wristed swing at the glass.
Next.
You are in a small room with an elf.
PI: Ask the elf for wishes.
Your PULCHRITUDE is too low to command the loyalty of elves!!!
PI: Leave.
You exit the small room through the door.
PI: Search room for drinking implement!
You find the RUBBER TUBE under your HAT.
PI: Look for a container to siphon the liquid into.
You retrieve your TEA SET from your fort.
PI: Siphon liquid.
You siphon some of the HOT SAUCE into the TEA POT.
PI: Take sip of HOT SAUCE.
You take a small sip from the TEA POT.
PI: Add hairpin to inventory.
You equip the HAIRPIN.
Next.
The MACHINE GUN suddenly goes off.
Next.
You drop the MACHINE GUN.
Next.
The SKYLIGHT above jostles.
Next.
The SPRINKLER douses the flames.
PS: Examine plaques beneath pictures.
1: Blind Willie "Buttermilk" Stubbs 2: Father "Blind Pappy" Ramblin' Jackson 3: Earl Stokes "Can't-see-a-damn" Molasses Fatts Such extraordinary jazz legends.
PS: Play beethoven's 'moonlight sonata' on the piano.
You can't remember the notes to that song!
Next.
Some icons beneath the plaques are revealed.
PS: Go down the stairs; attempt to open door.
AD: Go up the stairs; attempt to open door.
Next.
Both of the doors are blocked from the other side.
AD: Drink brandy and forget you are on fire.
You imbibe heavily to drown your conflagrative sorrows.
AD: MC Hammer slide out of the room.
Next.
You enter your fort to escape the shrieking nightmare that has swallowed your life whole.
PI: Add skylight to inventory.
You take the SKYLIGHT.
PI: Drink some illicit moonshin and rush to your fort.
You take a sip.
Next.
You hear your phone ringing from the other room.
PS: Retrieve CLARINET, TRUMPET, and TUBA from secret room.
You gather up the horns.
PS: Use instruments on respective jazz legends.
You supply the musicians with their horns.
PS: Throw the switch.
The power is activated in Pickle Inspector's office.
Next.
The power in Problem Sleuth's office shuts off.
PS: Tell dame on phone to call back; take slug of whiskey.
You answer the phone in a hard boiled manner.
PS: Enter fort.
Next.
The dame explains into the dead receiver, please don't go, she's been trapped in her apartment for hours and needs help.
Next.
You enter your imaginary office, now with only two imaginary lives to spare.
PS: Exit office.
Ace Dick and Pickle Inspector are having a chat.
AD: Whisper to PI to rouse PS's curious suspicion.
Ace Dick is whispering something to the lanky fellow.
PS: Charge down hall shouting profanities and being silly.
This is the best plan you come up with.
Next.
The other two, inspired by your magnificent PULCHRITUDE, rally around you as a leader and follow you toward the exit.
PS: Ask PI to conjure more powerful guns.
Pickle Inspector nods sagely.
Next.
Problem Sleuth is armed with the CANDY CORN HANDGUN.
Next.
Ace Dick is armed with the TOOTSIE ROLL SHOTGUN.
Next.
Pickle Inspector is armed with the PEZ UZI.
Pose as a team, because SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
You copy and paste your previous poses into a new file and animate the background rapidly.
PI: Shoot Ace Dick in the face.
All: Exit and begin candy-oriented assault!
The great beast is ready for battle with a replenished health bar.
Next.
You avoid the savage lunge with your SLEUTH ROLL.
PS: [BATTLE MENU]
You open your BATTLE MENU and select "AGGRESS".
PI: [BATTLE MENU]
You follow Problem Sleuth's lead and riddle the beast with high-powered rounds of PEZ.
AD: [BATTLE MENU]
Ace Dick cocks the TOOTSIE ROLL SHOTGUN and strikes a BRUTAL AFFRONT for massive damage!!!
Reap spoils of battle.
PROBLEM SLEUTH GAINED A LEVEL!
PS: Jump onto monster's legs.
The torso cavity is mushy and warm.
PS: Use legs like power armor and stroll around city.
Problem Sleuth goes for a stroll.
PI: Examine POLISHED HORN.
Its lustre is arresting; its mysteries, unfathomable.
PI: Get imaginary candy corn.
You pick up the BAG OF CANDY CORN.
PI: Conjure peanut brittle dumbwaiter.
AD: Take dog from man.
You take the UGLY DOG.
PS: Summon weasel king.
You do not have enough ELF TEARS to summon the WEASEL KING!
PI, AD: Go up dumbwaiter, into AD's window.
You cannot go up the stairs to Ace's office.
PS: Use monster legs to jump up to compatriots.
Sensing your compatriots are in trouble, you decide to use your powerful legs to leap into battle.
Next.
It is a dancer, spinning to the tune of a music box.
Next.
An unfamiliar face looms large behind it.
AD: One word--Belly of the Whale.
You would use COMBAT OPERANDI: BELLY OF THE WHALE with gusto, however your cache of ELF TEARS is dry as a bone!
Next.
The beast makes an unexpected pounce!
AD: truffle shuffle level 2!!
You show the beast what you, and fat kids everywhere, are made of.
Next.
The beast suffers minimal damage.
PS: Investigate the window.
The dancer in the window stops spinning.
PI: Imagine Jawbreaker Cannon.
PI: Fire!
The JAW BREAKER CANNON inflicts a SAVAGE UPBRAID for 100x damage!!!
PS: Use legs to imitate creature's mating dance.
You strut your stuff with some fancy footwork.
Next.
Problem Sleuth is slain.
BEAST: Put on hat.
PI: Take horn.
You acquire the BURNISHED HORN.
PI: Hurry upstairs!
You speed toward Ace's office to make sure he's alright.
Next.
Your imaginary body cannot be sustained on the material plane!
Next.
Ace Dick suffers the unpleasant aftermath of his IMAGINATION binge.
Next.
Problem Sleuth quenches his hangover with the remainder of the COFFEE.
Next.
Pickle Inspector returns to the material plane.
Next.
Water spills into the small ELF CHAMBER.
Next.
One of the elves playing poker waves at you.
PI: Forget the degenerate gamblers and save the drowning elf
It is too late for him.
PI: Stick hairpin in outlet
This would be a horrible idea even under the best of circumstances.
PS: Go retrieve UNPLEASANT NOTE from dumbwaiter room.
It looks like an apology note from Ace Dick, or something approximating an apology.
PS: Go look through mural holes.
Sure enough, there is the note.
Next.
You topple backwards and crush your fort.
PI: Dammit, this is no time for shenanigans!
There is no way to turn it off.
PI: Join the elves.
You duck into the elves' lair for sanctuary.
PI: Look underneath table.
You spy a small hatch on the floor.
PI: Threaten elves with hairpin to make them cry.
Despite your most aggressive showing, the elves remain unmoved.
Next.
BLOD notices a pornographic playing card has slipped into the deck.
PI: Collect elf tears.
You harvest the ELF TEARS in your TEA CUP.
PI: Plug skylight into power outlet.
The small portal lights up.
Next.
You accidentally drop the HAIRPIN through it.
PS: Dial STAR-HEART-HORSESHOE on phone.
The face of the phone opens, revealing a hidden chamber.
PS: Take paper.
It is sheet music for the song Moonlight Sonata.
PI: Go up chimney.
You enter the speakeasy.
Next.
You face NORTH.
PI: Ride bust like a mechanical bull.
Wow, what a fucking waste of time!
PI: Remove oboe blocking doors at bottom of stairs.
Your VIM is simply not high enough to dislodge the instrument.
PI: Move the bust onto the X.
You've got to be kidding!
PI: Go through double doors.
The doors are barred from the inside.
AD: Collect deceased Pickle Inspector's items.
You are a little disgusted to find a skeleton in your office.
AD: Go out window, on to roof.
First you wheel the JAW BREAKER CANNON off to the side.
AD: Pass rope through skylight.
PS: Go to piano; play Moonlight Sonata.
The melody is haunting.
Next.
A compartment is revealed, exposing a powerful industrial fan.
AD, PS: Swap handgun and tommygun through slots.
Problem Sleuth passes the KEY through the dumbwaiter slot.
Next.
Problem Sleuth picks up and loads the TOMMY GUN with TOMMY GUN MUNITION(S).
PI: Tie rope around bust and oboe, strung through pulleys.
You go back down the chimney and get the ROPE.
AD: Make candy corn liquor.
You feed the CANDY CORN into the still.
PS: Fire tommy gun at target above piano.
You riddle the ceiling with bullets in a circular pattern.
Next.
But nothing seems to happen...
AD: Check progess of candy corn fermentation.
Things are really percolating in there!
AD: Go out window and duck for cover.
You shut the safe first, sealing it off tight.
AD: Ride still like a mechanical bull.
This action unsurprisingly results in your death.
No, just stay put and see what happens.
Next.
The front wall has been obliterated.
Next.
The sprinkler system goes on.
Next.
You feel the whole building shake.
CRACK.
The bust falls on the piano.
Next.
The oboe is dislodged.
AD: Drop handgun through skylight.
AD: Drop your own skull through skylight.
AD: Check on the candy corn liquor.
Parts of the wall and ceiling have collapsed.
PS: See if your office is ok after explosion.
Looks like the path here is blocked too.
PS: Go upstairs.
Allies are united for the first time on the material plane.
PI: Go down chimney again, get more tears, and handgun.
You dump the liquor out of your TEAPOT and fill it with ELF TEARS.
PI: Give some tears to PS.
You fill Problem Sleuth's FLASK with the ELF TEARS.
PI: Go get candy corn liquor.
You collect some of the potent CANDY CORN LIQUOR in your TEAPOT.
AD: Step outside office.
You wonder what the fuck happened out here.
AD: Leave the building!
The exit is locked!
AD: Displace Trombone.
Water from the flooded room spills into the hall, dousing the flames.
PS: Sweet-talk your way in through doors.
Using your advanced political acumen, you PERSUADE the party on the other side of the door to let you in.
PS, PI: Go in.
There is a large door guarded by two SURLY THUGS.
PS: Carve surprised face in pumpkin and put it in sad recess
Wrong adventure, dumbass!
No, wait, that's stupid.
The thugs are advancing menacingly.
PI: Retrieve skull from elf hideout.
You obtain the ACE DICK SKULL.
PS: [BATTLE MENU]
You comb through your list of BATTLE TECHNIQUES for a peaceful, diplomatic solution to the conflict.
PS: SLEUTH DIPLOMACY
You expend 1 ELF TEAR(S).
Next.
You acquaint the SURLY THUGS with your brand of diplomacy.
Next.
Pickle Inspector returns with the skull.
PI: Insert skull in groove.
You place the Ace Dick skull in the middle slot.
AD: Go grab Pickle Inspector's skull.
You retrieve your ally's skull and drop it through the skylight.
AD: Use Trombone to breath underwater!
You prepare to use the instrument as an oversized snorkel.
PS: Summon Weasel King.
You have absolutely no idea how to solve this stupid puzzle and open the doors.
Next.
You had enough ELF TEAR(S), but unfortunately in order to summon the WEASEL KING you will need some WEASEL SNOT.
PS: [ALLEGIANCE MENU]
You must make a choice.
PS: Press all the shoulder buttons and start + select.
PRESS START
PS: Align thyself with the elves.
The Emissary flips the fuck out!
PS: Use MOLLIFY to calm down the emissary.
Pickle Inspector politley suggests that he be allowed to try something first, before such extreme measures are taken.
PI: Ogle the Emissary disconcertingly to calm him down.
The Emissary's hysterical state appears to subside.
AD: Go through door's window and throw the switch.
You enter the small room and throw the switch.
PS: Ok, fine, align thyself with the weasels.
The Emissary appears pleased.
Next.
He explains that his people face a critical impasse.
PS: Appoint PI as chosen savior of the weasels.
The Emissary thanks you.
Next.
Ace Dick arrives at the elevator's destination floor.
AD: Examine the map on the wall.
Four nations at war.
AD: Check out monitors.
It looks like some rooms are under surveillance.
AD: Check behind the door.
The door is blocked from the other side!
AD: Open hatch in floor.
The hatch, shockingly, is locked.
Next.
There appears to be a convoluted puzzle on the opposite wall.
PI: Tower over weasels in brazen display of HEIGHT attribute
Yes.
Next.
There are no weasels around to be impressed, however.
PS: Go down and see what the elves are up to.
Oh hell, you forgot to switch your ALLEGIANCE.
PS: Change allegiance to calm elves.
The elves are pacified by your gesture of good will.
PI: Look around.
There appears to be some commotion by the tree in the distance.
PI: Check it out.
Some weasels congregate beneath a nest of ELF EGGS.
PS: Accept mission.
The elves are grateful for your bravery.
Next.
ROPO lifts the table to reveal a hidden hatch.
PS: Enter hatch.
PI: Eat eggs.
They look delicious, but you just can't do it.
PI: Give weasels elf eggs.
Your valor is lauded robustly.
PS: Fall in a more hardboiled manner.
This is how a real man falls.
AD: Go down to skylight and get game code.
You acquire the GAME CODE.
Next.
You decide to bring your WINDOW with you, so you won't have to go up and down every time some goofball somewhere drops another cool item through the skylight.
Next.
You prop the WINDOW up vertically against the wall.
PS: Quit falling and land already!
You land.
Next.
A pair of funny looking hands places a pie on the windowsill to cool.
PS: Politely ask the pair of hands for the pie.
You contemplate the civil approach, but you just can't do it.
Next.
The cottage dwellers appear to be preoccupied.
PS: Abscond with the pie.
You haul ass through the woods.
AD: Go through window.
You walk through the vertical window.
Next.
It appears the beast has defecated Problem Sleuth's imaginary remains, including his skull.
Next.
The beast disappears.
AD: Open control panel.
You find a PARACHUTE inside.
PI: Politely accept reward for your heroics.
The WEASEL EMISSARY comes to grant you a boon.
PI: Enter spiderhole.
PS: drop one (1) CANDY CORN to distract your pursuers.
No way!!!
Next.
The ELF EXEMPLAR offers you sanctuary from the cruel rogues.
Next.
The exemplar thanks you for your heroism.
PI: Fall in a sillier manner.
PS: Open wardrobe.
You wonder what magical realm this portal will lead you into.
PS: Enter wardrobe.
You crash against the back of the wardrobe, which is rock-solid.
Next.
You are a HYSTERICAL DAME.
HD: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer.
You've already got arms, sugartits!
HD: Hurl teddy bear at door to break it down.
You are quite positive there has never been a teddy bear in your apartment, and never will be.
HD: Hurl pillow at door to break it down.
It didn't work.
HD: Check drawer for strapping fellas.
It's absurd to think there will be any strapping fellas in here, but on a day as strange as this one, who knows??
HD: Search room for business card of hard boiled detective.
Why, it just so happens there is one in your HANDBAG.
Next.
Unfortunately, it seems your phone is missing a variety of PHONE PARTS.
HD: Scream into pillow to lower hysteria meter.
It seems to help a little.
HD: Search room for missing phone parts.
They are nowhere to be found in the room.
AD: Enter code from sheet into code machine.
You punch the GAME CODE into the CODE MACHINE.
Next.
After going through a lengthy and mostly pointless series of events, you have finally managed to reassemble your phone.
HD: Call the strapping sleuth fella one more time.
The man on the phone answers in a hard boiled manner.
Next.
You are a little disappointed, but can sympathize with his need to address the weird puzzle shit.
Next.
In this state of the game, it appears the really convoluted puzzle has been solved.
AD: Push button.
It releases the lock on the hatch.
Next.
In this state of the game, you have finally finished falling.
HD: Grab the knife and let out terrifying battle cry.
You pick up the KNIFE.
Next.
Suddenly you flip out!!!
PI: Ogle the cabinet open.
The MEDICINE CABINET remains closed, however you do find yourself mildly disconcerted.
PI: Open Cabinet
Inside, along with some sort of dimensional rift, are ASSORTED MEDICINES.
AD: Put self on top of column and push button.
<- GO BACK
AD: Wait, no.
AD: Prop window above column and push button.
The column extends easily into the ample space provided by the window.
AD: turn off the window.
The bulk of the column is lopped off.
AD: Strap on parachute, enter the acherontic hole.
You enter.
HD: Sssssstab.
You're not sure why you're flailing around your cute TEDDY BEAR like this.
HD: Look closer.
It's a MUSIC BOX KEY.
HD: Open music box.
A dancer twirls and a sweet melody begins to play.
Next.
It is a dashing man riding a noble mount.
Next.
The music stops, and you put the music box down.
Next.
You wake up in a strange dark room.
PS: Attempt to move weasel bust.
It won't budge an inch!
Next.
Something mystical is happening with the elf bust.
PI: Enter cabinet portal.
You hit your head against the rear of the cabinet, spilling all the medicine.
PI: Blindly take large amounts of pills.
You take a large dose of the powerful hallucinogens.
Next.
You are a NERVOUS BROAD.
AD: Deploy parachute.
You land in a mysterious realm.
AD: Establish superiority by punching nearest hog in snout.
The hogs are enamored of your rowdy, no-nonsense brand of ruffianism.
Next.
Their leader, PORKHEARST, relates to you the woes of his kind.
NB: Retrieve the lipstick from the bed.
You pick up the LIPSTICK.
NB: Examine gazebo-ish model.
It is a toy carousel affixed atop your full length mirror.
NB: Close medicine cabinet.
You do not have the physical strength to close it!
PS: Enter door.
You enter the control room.
Next.
It is a pig sty in here.
PS: Check Score.
NB: Apply make up.
Something about this idea makes you very nervous.
Next.
Suddenly you flip out!!!
Next.
You drop the disconcerting instrument.
AD: Accept righteous mission.
You blindly accept, and begin gathering melons into your parachute.
AD: Politely ask weasel to calm the fuck down.
You consider how to phrase the diplomatic request, but you come up empty.
Next.
You beat the weasel to death with your MONSTRANCE.
PS: Go get pig poster from Ace Dick's office.
You go down the elevator and grab the poster.
PS: Go back up.
You return to the control room, but first you stop in your office and grab your window.
NB: Examine mural in order to calm nerves.
It's not working!
NB: Search room to make sure it contains no Fancy Santas.
You are quite sure there are no Fancy Santas to be found in your room, but just to be absolutely certain, you look around. ...
Next.
OH FUCK IT'S A BUNCH OF FANCY SANTAS.
NB: Pick up card next to phone.
You pick up the BUSINESS CARD.
NB: Call the fella.
The tall brawny fella does not seem to have a phone.
Next.
Your NERVES have elevated again.
AD: Return melons to pigs in manly fashion.
You can't!
Next.
PORKHEARST has gratefully accepted the melons and departed, but not before leaving you with a profound quest of the spirit.
AD: Open buffet cabinet.
Throbbing magical energy is concealed within the furnishing.
PS: Decipher code using enigma machine.
You enter the GAME CODE from the pig poster.
Next.
This code has taken you to an earlier point in the game.
AD: Oh yeah, go through window.
You land on the side of the enormous beast.
AD: Quick, hop into storefront before beast disappears.
You head for the window and notice an enticing skull along the way.
AD: Ignore the portal.
You disregard the mysterious gateway.
Next.
In spite of your tremendous stomach capacity, you pass out from over-eating.
Next.
Ace Dick's imagination is too crude to have a female alter ego!
Small AD: Look for exit from giant dame's apartment.
You scurry into a mouse hole on the south wall.
Next.
It seems like that GAME CODE did nothing.
PS: Push buttons on the machine randomly!
<- GO BACK
PS: Grab parachute and jump through upside-down window.
PI: Go through weasel bust.
The occult bust weeps tears of blood.
Next.
It appears to be some sort of lounge room.
PS: Make a pit stop at the sleazy brothel in the sky.
Next.
You miss landing on the brothel by a bit.
PI: Functions -> Ogle -> Paper -> Table
The table contains smutty material which makes you highly uncomfortable.
PI: Use TALLNESS powers to press face in highest indentation
The COUCH ARCHETYPIFIER is triggered by the interface afforded through your mighty TALLNESS attribute.
Next.
The small man reappears from the hole with some LIPSTICK.
HD: Take the lipstick.
You cautiously appraise the cosmetic accessory.
HD: Wield the lipstick in calm, casual manner.
You start flipping out with the CHAINSAW.
AD: Examine wig.
It's a lustrous head of hair.
AD: Take wig.
You take the PRUSSIAN KÜRASSIER HELMET.
PI: Build fort from couch cushions.
PI: Drink candy corn liquor.
The powerful liquor maxes out your IMAGINATION gauge.
PI: Enter fort.
Next.
You are possessed by violent imaginative numina.
Next.
A loathsome beast approaches.
PS: Land already!
It appears the realm below is locked in escalating conflict.
Next.
You bow before His Majesty.
AD: Look out window.
You thought you saw something moving by your window.
Next.
The mural seems to be a single tile in one of those really cool but somewhat dated photo mosaics.
Next.
Whoever was occupying this office has likely been trapped in here for some time.
PI: Become overwhelmed by possibilities.
Your imagination is like an untamed stallion bucking through the cavity in your imaginary skull.
PI: Combat Operandi -> Lv. 8 Pickle Replicsimile.
PI: Rip up buildings and throw at beast.
HD: While flipping out, CHAINSAW the lockbox.
You slice your cherished lockbox in half.
PI: Let the beast swallow you and fight him from the inside.
The beast invokes COMBAT OPERANDI: Lv. 18 BELLY OF THE WHALE.
Next.
Once inside, you quickly set about turning its various organs into delcious candy.
PI: Ascend to Godhood!
One of your duplicates decides to achieve deity status.
PI: Take the form of an even more loathsome beast.
Next.
You transform into an absolutely grotesque monster.
Next.
In this form, you quickly dispatch the lesser beast.
Next.
But now Monster Pickle Inspector is out of control!
MPI: Succumb to unfathomable bratwurst.
I think perhaps you've misunderstood.
PS: Refuse His Majesty and flip him the bird.
Never!
PS: Accept new armor and weapon.
You don the Royal Diplomat's tunic and head garland, and accept perhaps the most potent weapon of the kingdom, the legendary TECTRIX OF THE ARBITOR.
Next.
You take up the head of the negotiating table with high ranking officials from the four kingdoms.
Next.
The HOG PROVOST relates with measured dismay recent events which have thrown the entire kingdom out of balance.
Next.
This situation is clearly a diplomatic mine field.
PS: [OPEN ALLEGIANCE MESH]
PS: ctrl alt del
GAME FUCKING OVER
PI: Conjure candy mecha.
AD: Read business card.
This sounds like exactly what you are looking for.
AD: Call number.
The line is busy.
Next.
The whores say they will be right over.
Next.
Ace wakes up in the pentagram room.
AD: Walk through pig room.
You enter the room through the vanishing hog bust.
Next.
Moster Pickle Inspector is going berzerk!
PI: Charge and fiyer your lazer.
Well, ok you don't have a lazer, but you pump the beast full of hot sugar.
Next.
In a fit of cowardice, the beast absconds!
Next.
It looks like the little fellow had brought you your CAROUSEL KEY.
NB: Use key.
Something is happening to the mirror.
Next.
There is something funny whirling in the sky.
Next.
Ace Dick busts through the door and smacks the beast with the ROMANCE NOVEL, dealing a BRUTAL AFFRONT.
Next.
The beast is slain.
Reap spoils of battle.
PICKLE INSPECTOR GAINED A LEVEL!
AD: Inspect ferruginous horn.
You are transfixed by its rich, rust colored patina.
AD: Activate punch card machine.
It dispenses a PUNCH CARD.
AD: Insert punch card into big computer.
The aging machine noisily performs tens if not hundreds of mind boggling computations per second.
AD: Read printout.
HD: Chainsaw your way out of your room.
You draw a line around the door with the LIPSTICK.
PI: COMBAT OPERANDI -> ABSTRACTED THOUGHT
You fade from the imaginary reality, leaving your final duplicate behind.
Next.
Pickle Inspector has woken from his fort-trance.
Next.
Mobster Kingpin finishes his soul quest.
MK: Go through clown door.
All quests have been completed.
PS: AGH TOO DIFFICULT, go online and search for walkthrough
This is complete bullshit.
PS: Open one of the walkthroughs.
PS: Scroll down a ways.
PS: Search for 'diplomacy'.
PS: Keep searching...
PS: Print cheat code.
The DOT MATRIX PRINTER prints out your code.
AD: Go downstairs and check out swimming pool.
It is a luxurious above ground pool.
AD: Toss ferruginous horn into pool.
Not taking any chances, you toss the horn in before going for a dip.
Next.
Something comes out of the manhole over there.
Other AD: Go down to street and grab horn.
You put the FERRUGINOUS HORN in your inventory.
AD: Go back up, then go down to office for other horns.
You take the POLISHED HORN and the BURNISHED HORN from your office.
AD: Go to hot sauce still.
It's sort of a pain in the ass getting around this place.
AD: Make 5 alarm hot sauce.
You deposit the POLISHED HORN, the BURNISHED HORN, and the FERRUGINOUS HORN into the still hatch.
HD: Go through mirror to look for NB.
You turn the key and enter the portal.
Next.
You are surprised to find yourself as a giant Hysterical Dame.
AD: Activate jacuzzi setting on pool.
The pool begins to bubble vigorously.
Next.
Something appears in the sky above the manhole.
NB: Investigate the portal nervously.
MK: Retrieve arms from dollhouse.
You've already got arms, shitforbrains!
MK: grab brass knuckles.
You're quite sure there are no BRASS KNUCKLES on your desk.
PI: Get cheat code from printer.
You retrieve the CHEAT CODE.
PI: Go to control room.
There is a big mess in here.
Imaginary PI: COMBAT OPERANDI -> TEMPORAL REPLICSIMILE
You split into two Pickle Inspectors.
Next.
You appear in the past and enter the window to find Ace Dick struggling to solve a difficult puzzle.
PI: Solve the sudoku.
Absolute perfection.
Next.
In a little while, you solve the rest of the puzzle, blowing yourself up in the process.
This is getting kind of confusing.
There is still only one Problem Sleuth, who is off in some enchanted land sifting through a political crisis.
Ok, got it.
Pickle Inspector in the present enters the cheat code.
Next.
Problem Sleuth has penned an accord among the four kingdoms.
PS: View terms of treaty with Adobe TreatyViewer®.
PS: View Articles 248-263.
PS: View Articles 214-226.
PS: View Articles 264-312.
PS: Ok, looks good.
His Majesty approves.
PS: Reap spoils of diplomatic triumph.
PROBLEM SLEUTH GAINED A LEVEL!
AD: Take skull to skull slot.
Problem Sleuth eyes his own SKULL with unease.
PS: Add skulls to inventory.
You pick up the SKULL, along with the other stuff lying around including the TOMMY GUN and the SKYLIGHT, because hey you might as well.
MK: Make a crude pass at NB.
You subject the skittish prohibition-era flapper to your vulgar overtures, making a number of unseemly references to her swell set of glad rags and swanky pair of gams.
Next.
Enraged by the chilly reception, you give the gal a good shiner and remind her that there's still plenty of room on Whore Island.
Li'l AD: run into MK's dollhouse.
You've jerked around with that pool enough.
PI: Go through clown bust door.
You go through the door once guarded by the clown bust.
Next.
It's a strange back room.
PI: Check it out.
Horsefeathers, these bearcats have claws!!!
PS: Take skulls to slot.
All three skulls are in the appropriate slots.
PI: Open what appear to be cruiseship portholes.
It is hard to see through the portholes.
MK: Wield brass knuckles.
The MEGATON KEY is too heavy to lift at your current VIM level.
MK: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> RUNNING NUMBERS
You roll the dice.
MK: AGGRESS
Hysterical Dame is down for the count.
Candy Mecha: AGGRESS
The small mecha releases a confectionary barrage.
Next.
Mobster Kingpin's BLOOD SUGAR elevates slightly, making him briefly susceptible to physical attacks.
Next.
Enraged, Mobster Kingpin picks up the DOLL HOUSE and gets rid of it.
Next.
The mecha lands hard on the street, causing major damage to surrounding buildings.
Next.
The DOLL HOUSE tumbles through the sky.
AD: Join battle through pool portal.
You're here for two things: to fucking ruin someone's shit, and to play a friendly game of make-believe.
PS: Go through double doors.
The doors lock behind you permanently.
Next.
A mob of Surly Thugs is there to welcome you.
PS: Throw dead thugs through doors for dramatic entrance.
Man, you wish you thought of that before you went in.
PS: Swap hats with one of the thugs and sneak by undetected.
You are predicably detected almost immediately, and are socked right in the kisser in a very much non-undetected way.
PS: COMBAT OPERANDI -> SEPULCHRITUDE
You just go with Sleuth Diplomacy instead.
PS: LV. 2 SLEUTH DIPLOMACY
Next.
The defeated Surly Thugs drop 14,250 SPONDULICKS.
AD: Pick up windows and go up.
You leave behind Problem Sleuth's OFFICE WINDOW because it is just too damn heavy and cumbersome.
AD: Feed MK some chocolates.
You lob a HAND GRENADE into MK's mouth.
Quick, PI: Fire!
Pickle Inspector seizes the opportunity and draws his KEY.
Next.
Ace Dick completes a successful AUTO-PARRY!
AD: Smack MK with two-by-four.
You fan MK with juicy pages from your ROMANCE NOVEL, dealing moderate damage.
Next.
Problem Sleuth reaches level 2.
Thugs: AGGRESS
The thugs take you to task with an array of BULLY TRUNCHEONS and ROUSTABOUT CLUBS.
Next.
Hysterical Dame's EMPATHY MAGPIE begins to flap harder.
MK: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> HIT THE MATTRESSES
Your PULCHRITUDE stat surges.
MK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> SEND IN THE CLOWNS
Ace Dick absorbs the brunt of an outrageous honking, floppy-shoed assault.
Next.
The other Ace Dicks' RAPPORT PEACOCKS begin to squawk in a more shrill manner.
PI: Get the hell out of dodge.
It's a little overwhelming in there and all the commotion was starting to make you feel a bit disconcerted.
AD: Point machine gun through the skylight.
PS: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> FAIR SHAKE
You give equal consideration to both sides of the argument.
Next.
The thugs drop 16,500 SPONDULICKS, and the beasts drop 2 CURED FIEND MUTTONS.
Next.
You simply close the door and lock it.
PS: Next time be sure to throw some corpses in ahead of you.
You chuck some thug corpses into level 3 before making your entrance.
AD: Join other AD at double doors.
Looks like the still is percolating nicely.
PS: Hire the HIRED MUSCLE onto your side.
You levy his asking fee, 15,000 SPONDULICKS.
Next.
The thugs regretably discover what it's like being on the wrong side of some good hard muscle.
ADs: Bust through doors.
Your combined VIM is sufficient for the task.
AD: Headbutt and impale Mobster Kingpin.
He is impervious to attacks again!
AD: Chuck another grenade already.
Mobster Kingpin successfully AUTO-PARRIES!
PI: Ogle switch until it implodes with distraughtness.
That idea is so silly, even you can't take it very seriously.
Next.
The GRENADE breaks through the PORT-SIDE RED PORTHOLE.
Next.
The CHOCOLATE finally emerges through the STARBOARD-SIDE RED PORTHOLE.
AD: Now, headbutt and impale!
Now that his BLOOD SUGAR has been compromised, you deal a fearsome blow with the business end of your WIG.
Next.
Problem Sleuth seems irked by this conduct, as it was not part of the implied operating agreement in his view.
Candy Mecha: Walk through portal.
The capricious machine enters the portal with the DOLL HOUSE on its back.
Next.
The infinite number of geometrically down-scaled candy mechas dump the infinite number of DOLL HOUSES on the floor.
Candy Mechas: Leave.
The FRACTAL PROSPECTUS opens automatically to warn you that a fractaline matter/energy accretion has occurred.
PI: Flee up spiral staircase and ogle whatever awaits you.
Oh hell, it's another Stiller bust.
PS: Diplomatically, ask Muscle to become permanent teammate.
Despite his blunt tactics, you think the Muscle could have long term value to the team.
ADs: Mount motorcycles!
Fuck yes, this is one rude hog squad.
PS: This time throw chunks of beast in ahead of you.
You advance to the next level.
ADs: Dual motorcycle attack!
The cycles take out the muscles!
Candy Mechas: Don't show protips.
Next.
The Hired Muscle is going for the SPONDULICKS and the BRUTESTEAKS.
PS: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> BRASS TACKS
You levy the fee of 3000 SPONDULICKS and summon a trifecta of mystical warriors, the great masters of brass, Buttermilk Stubbs, Ramblin' Jackson, and Molasses Fatts!
Next.
The trio gets down to business.
Next.
The frightened Zombie Muscle flees upstairs.
Morthol: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> GNOSTIC TAINT
Morthol Dryax shoots a lot of little skulls out of his skull.
Boneguard Mount: AGGRESS
The mount's savage hooves flick at Problem Sleuth's unlucky mug.
Next.
Hysterical Dame's CHARM BREAK!
HD: AGGRESS
You scribble on the back of MK's head with the CHAINSAW.
PS: LV. 5 SLEUTH DIPLOMACY: IMPROMPTU CAUCUS
Your allies weigh in on the matter.
Next.
Morthol is one hardy son of a bitch.
Next.
Pickle Inspector has wandered back to the control room.
PS: Time to bring out the noise!
No, not yet!!
AD: COMBAT OPERANDI -> BELLY OF THE WHALE
Hurricane force winds drag debris indiscriminately into your mighty marine beast-like orifice.
MK: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> EXTORTION
MK turns the tables on you and horns in on your racket!
Next.
Ace Dick is pulled into Mobster Kingpin's generous tummy.
Next.
The GRENADES detonate.
Next.
DEATH has been waiting for you.
Next.
The RAPPORT PEACOCKS are flipping out!
OSTENTATION DRIVE!
A tubby customer himself, Morthol is in awe of your synchronized jiggling bravado!
Next.
Morthol Dryax has been slain handily.
Next.
Ace's sugary martyrdom in MK's gut has spiked his BLOOD SUGAR to a near-critical level!
PI: Drop window through other window.
The recently muted INFINITE SUMMATION HONEYBEE PROFESSOR does not appear pleased with where this is going.
AD: Throw TEACUP at DEATH.
You are so pissed at Death you throw your tea in disgust but you catch a whiff of it and it smells way too good to throw what is that darjeeling god it's delicious.
PI: Put HONEYBEE PROFESSOR through the window first.
The Professor is irate with your harebrained lack of discretion.
Next.
Startled, you drop the window into itself, knocking the bee out.
Next.
The window appears to be stuck in itself, knotted into a strange multi-dimensional wreath.
Next.
Exhaling in relief, you accidentally hit a button on the CONTROL PANEL.
Next.
FLUTHLU has been released from his black realm.
Next.
All of Pickle Inspector's SPARK ASH has been depleted from his METTLE SAMOVAR.
Next.
Nervous Broad's AFFINITY CROW is flapping frantically!
Next.
Death ogles you.
Death: COMBAT OPERANDI -> TWO LUMPS
Sugar is offered with aggressive courtesy!
AD&PI: Challenge Death to win back your lives.
You throw it down hard cause that's just how Team Sleuth rolls.
Next.
Death clicks his BALL POINT SCYTHE.
Next.
Ace Dick slams down his HAT in disgust.
PI: Ask Death where Honeybee Professor is.
You're just curious.
Next.
Fluthlu scales the CATHEDRAL OF SYNDETIC ASCENSION.
Next.
Repugnant LANGUOR FLAGELLA bust through the STAINED GLASS WINDOWS.
PS: Collect loot and go up.
The windows are too small.
MURDER FLUX!
Your nerves are shot and you can't take it anymore.
Next.
MK takes serious damage.
Next.
MK pushes her out the window.
Next.
Communal forces cause your CLEMENCY OWL to hoot more emphatically.
PS: Ascend to the hopefully final level.
Well, ok, level 5 is sort of an odd number but I guess this can be the last level.
GPI: Fondly regard crustacean.
You're just not listening, are you.
PS: For the love of GPI, SEPULCHRITUDE!
... ...
ZM: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> PROFANE ADULTERATION
Muscle gets the jump on Dick.
Next.
One of the Aces is now undead.
PS: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> SUMMON HENRY CLAY
This is getting way out of hand.
HC: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> PACIFY
Next.
The narrative continues through a delightfully charming KATE BEATON-style comic.
Next.
The beasts and the Zombie Muscle have all been slain by the rampaging Kentucky senator.
PS: Advance further into level.
Fluthlu explodes through the DEATH STAR WINDOW.
AD: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> LV. 2 TORSO FLAIL
You become a torso flailing machine and start whipping monster chum like it's going out of style.
Fluthlu: FONDLE
The tickling tendrils probe curiously for every nook and cranny they can find.
Next.
Shamed, Ace Dick leaves the battlefield and goes back downstairs.
AD: Go by Fluthlu, granting him wide berth whilst doing so.
You slide past the gruesome foe, utilizing a maneuver made famous by an early 90s rap star.
PS: Pick up shard of glass and put it in your inventory.
Aw hell no.
Next.
The wall behind you is infested with ethnic diversity and good cheer.
Fluthlu: LV. 77 DISQUIETING LEER
Fluthlu treats you to a fearsome ogle of necrotizing fury.
Next.
The trecherous mob emerges from the artwork with a spring in their undead shuffle.
Next.
You're normally an advocate of diversity and strong sense of community but this is one cultural rainbow you wish would just go fuck off.
Cultural Rainbow: COMBAT OPERANDI -> MOB RULE
The netherworldly town committee teaches you the hard way that racial harmony is everyone's business.
Bespectacled Wench: COMMUNITY OUTREACH
The gross witch dishes sick civic service with her HAGPALM.
Next.
Your CHARM BREAK!
Zombie AD: Advance.
It's the most hideous thing you've ever seen.
Thugs: AGGRESS
Zombie Ace Dick successfully AUTO-PARRIES!
PS: LV. 10 SLEUTH DIPLOMACY: CEASEFIRE
Next.
Not one for violence, you opt for the diplomatic route and motion for a laying down of arms.
Next.
Fluthlu has pried himself from the wall and carries the DEATH STAR WINDOW around on his back sort of like a hermit crab.
Candy Mechas: Mobilize!
The smaller fractal mech army rises to the occasion.
Candy Mechas: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> SELF SACCHARINE-FICE
Next.
Mobster Kingpin goes into DIABETIC SHOCK.
CHARM BREAK!
Next.
(CONTINUITY GAFFE: what's that dollhouse doing there again?
Next.
Mobster Kingpin has been slain.
NB: Fall in a more nervous manner.
You do declare you must do something about this case of the vapors.
Next.
Death is there to greet you, although he does seem preoccupied at the moment.
Next.
Pickle Inspector and Death are embroiled in an epic scrum.
Next.
This is incredibly silly!
Next.
Ace Dick is pinned in a poor strategic position.
Next.
Since Death is distracted, you surreptitiously tiptoe out of the afterlife.
HD: Frisk MK's body for valuables.
His portly body provides a generous frisking canvas.
MK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> INSULIN SHOT
MK's health is restored and his BLOOD SUGAR has been reduced to zero.
MK: SUMMON WILFORD BRIMLEY
You invoke the ruddy, churlish spirit of your great patron spirit, Wilford Brimley.
MK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> TYPE 2 DIABEAT-DOWN
The BRIMLEYGEIST merges with your aura and you give the bum's rush to the feisty Jane -- put a bruise on that tomato, see?
Next.
Hysterical Dame is out cold.
Next.
Your CLEMENCY OWL is hooting up a storm.
AD: Check on hot sauce still.
Things are seriously a-rumblin' in the still room.
PARLIAMENT UPROAR!
If you didn't have your TRUSTY KNIVES, you think you'd slit your wrists.
PS: Target the plug.
After one of your more inspired SLEUTH ROLLS, you drop your cold blooded line which you spent the last few minutes thinking up.
Next.
Fluthlu has been slain.
Oh get the hell off of there.
PS: Victory dance!
PROBLEM SLEUTH GAINED A LEVEL!
MK: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> HOOCHED-UP BOOTLEGGER
A savvy mug like you is sure to stash his hard earned cabbage in gin mills and rumrunning.
MK: Build fort out of desk.
Next.
You are halted in your tracks by the sight of the repellent BOWEN STILSON DOGG.
Next.
The blast travels up the DUMBWAITER SHAFT.
Next.
The BOWEN STILSON DOGG has been destroyed.
PS: Rebuild Bowen Stilson Dogg.
There is no hope.
AD: Check aftermath of still explosion.
The FIVE ALARM HOT SAUCE is ready.
PS+AD: Open MK's door.
You are a little too late.
PS+AD: Enter safe room.
Someone has beaten the tar out of this fair dame.
PS+AD: Go up.
The path is blocked!
AD: Drink sauce.
You ladle the potent condiment from its basin with your TRUSTY HAT.
Next.
An incredible transmutation takes place.
Next.
Ace Dick becomes FIESTA ACE DICK.
MK: Descend(?)
You cannot descend into the sky because the universe is not upside-down!!!
Next.
On his way back up, Fiesta Ace Dick inverts the STAINED GLASS WINDOW to test his awesome strength.
MK: Descend(!)
FAD: Get bust outta there--Ándele Ándele, Arriba, Arriba!
You put your normal hat back on because you think this silly ethnic shit is probably going to get really old really fast.
Next.
Your Sleuth comrades instinctively dive for the treats.
Next.
MK continues to desc(asc)end in an upside-down manner.
PS+FAD+ZAD: Advance.
You're enraged to find a Wilson bust blocking your path this time.
FAD: Wail on Wilson bust.
It's full of more candy.
PS+FAD+ZAD: Advance.
These are the stairs to the deck.
CUT SCENE.
FAD: Open the trapdoor.
Your brawn sends Captain Snoop sky-ward.
PS+FAD+ZAD: Go up to deck.
It's Mobster Kingpin's ship, the CHICAGO OVERCOAT, black thorn of the imaginary skies.
Next.
Problem Sleuth grabs hold of the STEERING WHEEL.
Next.
Oh great, here comes MK descending his ass (asc) off like a motherfucker.
PS: "Climb" the steering wheel.
With an adept motion, you swoop right(wrong?)
Next.
A strange light emanates from the WHEEL.
Next.
The NAVIGATION VIEWFINDER activates.
PS: Turn wheel, "capsizing" the boat upright.
It does not have the intended effect, but the consequence is roughly the same.
Next.
(Admiral Sleuth decides to call this the "Ace Deck" because he thinks it sounds clever.
NB: Land already!
You would nervously land already, but Future Pickle Inspector appears and intercepts you.
[UNPAUSE]
MK's indecent ascension is nearly complete.
FINAL BOSS BATTLE.
It's MK's hideous ultimate form, DEMONHEAD MOBSTER KINGPIN.
Next.
The fan islands disperse.
AS: Fashion a more fitting hat from your old hat.
You flip your reversible HAT inside-out to produce the ADMIRAL'S HAT.
Next.
You briefly pose as a team because shit seriously just got real again.
FPI: Bring nervous broad to the Ace Deck.
You decide to reunite the fair dame with her allies, but suddenly reconsider at the sight of the foul demon.
Next.
Instead you drop her off at the brothel in the sky.
DMK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> LV. 49 ABSTRACTED THOUGHT
Part of your awareness detatches itself from the imaginary universe and returns to reality.
Next.
You are now free to move about in reality while your demonic self remains in the realm of imagination.
MK: Gather up all the ship portholes.
You pry the port and starboard-side SHIP PORTHOLES from the walls.
PI: Defeat death already.
You're working on it!
Next.
You head-bump a SUDOCUBE STEM BLOCK.
AD:Establish superiority by punching nearest Q*Bert in snout
The Q*Berts are enamored of your rowdy, no-nonsense brand of ruffianism.
FPI: Go back to Ace Deck.
You sense your allies are in need.
AS: Fire warning shots off the port bow.
The bullets are deflected.
Next.
The ricocheted bullets are AUTO-PARRIED!
PS: Use tommykey on lock.
Your RING OF KEYS is just way too small for that oversized lock.
Next.
You've done it.
Next.
Pickle Inspector has finally perfected the LABRYNTHINE SUDOCUBE COMPREHSENSILE!!!
Next.
Ace Dick has beaten Q*HEARST to death with a PAWN.
PI+AD: Return to land of living.
You breathe a sigh of relief.
MK: Dump portholes through jacuzzi.
Into the bubbling portal they go.
Next.
DMK seizes them telekinetically.
MK: Grab the cinder blocks.
Before you throw the last one in, you pick up the CINDER BLOCKS from the base of your fort and throw them through the final PORTHOLE.
Next.
There is suddenly a lot of traffic being conducted through those lights.
Next.
MK ducks back into the safety of his fort.
AS: Craft sea-worthy hats for your allies.
You fit your mates with appropriately nautical headwear.
PI: Conjure candy armor.
Two can play at the defense game.
Next.
Admiral Sleuth dons the PEPPERMINT MYTHRIL COAT.
Next.
Corsair Dick dons the JOLLY RANCHER FULL PLATE.
Next.
Skipper Inspector dons the STUDDED FRUIT LEATHER.
Next.
Zombie and Fiesta Ace Dick don't get to have cool armor though because they're a couple of weirdos.
Quick pose as a team again this shit seems pretty real.
Didn't we just do this?
DMK: AGGRESS
While you're all goofing around, DMK turns his defense into offense!
Next.
Communal forces cause you to stop being knocked out cold.
Candy Mecha: Join the battle already!
The brainless war machine blasts off to adventure.
AS: SEPULCHRITUUUUUUUUUUU-UUUDE!
No you fool!
HD: Flip switch.
You wonder what that switch does.
Next.
The power in the room is cut off.
Next.
The large portal closes.
AS: Take charge as leader.
It's time to quit the harebrained antics and rally your troops around an actual battle plan.
AS: Give all the weapons to PI.
You order PI to take the KEY, the RING OF KEYS, and the HAIRPIN down to the jacuzzi and jump in with them.
PI: Take weapons down to MK's office.
Along the way, you drop the GUN, the TOMMY GUN, and the MACHINE GUN because you suddenly remember your VIM is not nearly high enough to carry them.
PI: Ask HD to take weapons instead.
It's no wonder Admiral Sleuth entrusted you with this critical operation.
Next.
You come out of the manhole.
Next.
Thank goodness that's taken care of.
Next.
The big portal is active again, rendering the manhole useless.
Next.
The mysterious divine forces continue to inform your addled impulses.
HD: Walk to nearest intersection.
Considering there's not much traffic, the lights above seem awfully busy.
PI:Become homoerotically interested in returning to your fan
The magnetism you feel towards your trusty fan is as powerful as it is inexplicable.
PI: Dump the fan through the jacuzzi.
You're not sure why you're doing this, but it feels important.
PI: Return to battle.
On the way back up, you spot a lovely SOMBRERO.
Next.
In this room you spy a CAPTAIN'S SEXTANT, sans TELESCOPE.
AS: Retrieve Snoop Bust, for it is too important to be lost.
It is drifting far out of reach.
HD: Throw weapons into the lights.
Waiting for a gap in the cinder block cycles, you start with the HANDGUN, lobbing it into the PORT SIDE RED LIGHT.
Next.
The KEY emerges from the STARBOARD SIDE GREEN PORTHOLE, unlocking one of the locks.
HD: Throw tommy gun.
You lob the TOMMY GUN into the STARBOARD SIDE YELLOW LIGHT.
Next.
It emerges from the PORT SIDE RED PORTHOLE.
HD: Throw machine gun.
Finally, you lob the MACHINE GUN through the PORT SIDE GREEN LIGHT.
Next.
The HAIRPIN emerges from the STARBOARD SIDE YELLOW PORTHOLE, unlocking the final lock.
PI: Pick up captain's sextant.
Next.
You pick up the SNIPER RIFLE.
Next.
Below, the candy mecha's legs scramble around like a chicken whose head decapitated itself and flew into the sky to fight a demonic mob boss.
ZAD: Zombie truffle shuffle.
You make your swiss cheese-brained self useful and turn your ordinary lead-footed zombie shuffle into a zombie truffle shuffle.
Candy Mecha: Fire into DMK's mouth(s).
The stubborn monster shuts his various traps!
ZAD, FAD, and AD: TRIPLE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE.
Alright, well you missed with the candy thus making him still impervious to attacks, but I guess you didn't notice that.
Next.
But wait...
Next.
Pickle Inspector politely suggests a REPLACEMENT HAT.
DMK: THORNCODDLE
Targeting Corsair Dick, DMK's spiky barbs molest every pocket of his portly carriage in a humiliating manner.
Next.
A vulgar GLUMSPINE FLAGELLUM unfurls itself rudely and has a gander at PI.
Next.
In a flailing panic, the mecha's legs blast off.
Next.
Ok, now what the hell do you do?
HD: Hail a cab and follow the cheese truck.
You whistle down a cabby and flip him a spondulick.
Next.
The truck passes through the city's "SQUARE SHOULDER TOLLS" where a stiff DAIRY TAX is levied on local distributors.
HD: Pursue on foot.
The toll booth operator hands you a MAP OF THE DOWNTOWN DISTRICTS.
NB: Get the hell out of the fan's way.
You avoid the enormous fan in the nick of time.
Next.
You enter the SLEAZY BROTHEL.
Next.
The FAN PLUG crashes through the ceiling.
NB: Ride the plug like a mechanical bull.
Wow, what a fucking waste of...
ZAD: Sample DMK's tentacle with a nice bottle of Merlot.
You dine on the sumptuous creeper with gluttonous abandon, releasing a steady flow of thick PANG NECTAR.
Next.
DMK smarts from the voracious nibbling, leaving his mouths vulnerable to a sugar salvo.
Next.
The PANG NECTAR is collected by energetic worker bees.
Next.
They busily set to work building an IMPETUS COMB to transmute the bitter nectar into sweet JOCOSE HONEY.
NB: Plug fan into enormous outlet.
You're not sure if there's an enormous outlet around here, and anyway, you can't even lift the enormous plug.
NB: Equip the corset.
You don the ASPECT CORSET.
NB: Add stripper container to inventory.
You equip the STRIPPER.
NB: Go through Eye Door.
In this room, three curtained doors of varying shapes await.
HD: Pursue cheese truck to Gutterpipe Projects.
The CHEESE TRUCK has eluded you, but you follow the map to the GUTTERPIPE PROJECTS which was just a few blocks away.
AH: Unmute Professor Bee, he's been silent long enough.
HD: Climb ladder and look into pipe.
Curiosity gets the best of you as you decide you must sleuth this contraption.
Next.
You slip and fall in.
NB: Enter far right room.
That doesn't sound like a good idea to you.
NB: Take off all your clothes and enter far left door.
You consider stripping before you enter, but there are no murals around to apply the STRIPPER to!
Next.
There is a TALL WINDOW in the booth.
Next.
The gutterpipe projects you through the MOTION PICTURE PROJECTOR, which is currently showing a BURLESQUE FLAPPER ACT in an empty theater.
AH: Mute bee again.
Next.
It looks like DMK's BLOOD SUGAR is gradually decreasing through some sort of diabolical regenerative ability.
AS: AGGRESS
You order Team Sleuth to stop mincing around with bees and wine and shit and get busy aggressing his thorny ass!
DMK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> CINDER ABLOCKALYPSE
Next.
Fiesta Ace loses a couple of beans from his FRIJOLE AEGIS.
Next.
Zombie Ace simply AUTO-PARRIES the attack, maturing a new PARRYCRAFT: BRUISED FRUIT - HALF PRICE!
Next.
The candy mecha has been destroyed.
DMK: LV. 10 THORNCODDLE: APESHIT BRAMBLEFUCK
Before you have a chance to do anything, DMK uncorks another doozy of an attack.
Next.
Your TREACLE AEGISSES have already been depleted to a near-critical level.
NB: Use stripper on mural.
The man has levied good money to watch you strip, and you're not one to disappoint.
Next.
It's getting a little steamy in here.
NB: Splash a little on wall.
Next.
The Highbrow is quite pleased.
HD: Enter mousehole, given your small HEIGHT attribute.
This seems like the only feasible exit, all dimensional parameters considered.
NB: Strip rest of mural.
You prepare to douse the entire wall with the STRIPPER.
Next.
You incinerate the painting with the FLAME THROWER.
Next.
The coin operated timer runs out.
HD: Go in.
You enter the studio of MADAME MUREL, the brothel's matron/artisan.
HD: Climb ladder, equip corset.
The Madame doesn't seem to have noticed you, so you climb the ladder.
AS: Use delegation skills to call four nations to your aid.
DMK is powering up for yet another devastating attack, ostensibly his finishing move.
Next.
The kingdoms assemble four of their mightiest heroes to come to your aid, the WEASEL WARRIOR, the ELF MAGE, the HOG CLERIC, and the CLOWN BARD.
PI: Make universe do a barrel roll.
The Skipper puts a mean spin on the ship's WHEEL.
Next.
The others grab on to the ship's NETTING for stability.
Next.
DMK pukes a deluge of PIE FILLING.
DMK: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> VEXATIOUS GLOWER
DMK goes ahead and deals an attack anyway.
Next.
Your TREACLE AEGISSES have been reduced to zero.
NB: Go through tall window.
You exit the rear cabin of the BREAD TRUCK.
NB: Loosen drawstrings on corset.
You slacken the strings on the ASPECT CORSET, which was way too tight anyway.
NB: Ok, nothing to do out here.
You reenter the TALL WINDOW.
HD: Thank whores for complement.
It seems the whores have fled in fright.
Next.
Madame Murel flicks you through the SCALE BODICE.
Next.
You are flushed out of the SCALE VALVE with new dimensions.
FPI: Conjure frosting to extinguish flames.
You counter the flammable PIE FILLING with your own blend of soothing, flame-retardant CAKE FROSTING.
Next.
The flames have been extinguished.
Next.
You're happy you're not on fire and all, but you wonder why the hell Future Pickle Inspector is suddenly blue.
Next.
Future Pickle Inspector is wondering the same thing.
Next.
Death slides out a chair, inviting you to a friendly game of TROUBLE.
DMK: DEMOTE
DMK depresses your POPOMATIC HATS, stripping you of your seafaring status before you can wield anymore of that devastating NAUTICAL PROWESS.
PS: With hard boiled voice say you're just getting started.
You're through letting the ornery mob boss have his way with you.
HD: Turn crank on scale valve.
The flow amplifies.
Next.
The SCALE BODICE loosens its fit.
HD: Turn crank on upper valve.
You tighten the aperture.
Next.
The BURLESQUE MOTION PICTURE magnifies.
HD: Jump down on to valve lever.
Not content messing around with this gizmo just yet, you make one more adjustment.
NB: Go get plug and bring it through window.
Though you're a little stouter, you're still not strong enough to lift it.
NB: Loosen drawstrings again.
You become more horizontally generous.
NB: Lift plug.
You lift the plug easily.
PS: Summon Weasel King.
The gloves are off.
Next.
The feisty monarch flips the fuck out in DMK's face.
Next.
The weasel king flips the fuck out back into his realm.
Next.
But it looks like DMK has gradual health-regenerative capabilities too.
NB: Run plug through corset, into pipe, and out projector.
Sorry, the power of the CORSETS only applies to sexy female figures!
NB: Go through right door.
Given your proportions, it now seems appropriate to go through the short, wide door.
Next.
The Toff is irked by the class of talent his spondulicks have paid for.
Next.
The WIDE WINDOW switches to another view.
NB: Go through wide window.
You exit the rear cabin of the HAM TRUCK, squashing your proportions even more.
NB: Go back in.
You head back to the familiar comfort of the TALL WINDOW.
NB: Go through tall window.
You become elongated by a notch.
HD: Turn crank on aspect valve.
You give the crank a good hard whirl, elongating the valve.
Next.
The ASPECT CORSET tightens, seemingly by itself!
Next.
In this state you are not even close to being strong enough to support the plug.
Next.
You are flushed out the ASPECT VALVE.
PS: Put skylight through small window.
Surveying what you have in your inventory to put to use, you remember one of the Aces has the SMALL WINDOW and you have the SKYLIGHT with the BATTERY PACK.
FPI: Conjure jaw breaker bomb.
You wrap a hard candy shell around the windows to create the JAWBREAKER SKYLIGHT BOMB.
PS: Lob into DMK's mouth.
Fiesta Ace stomps tender flagella while you hurl the potent orb.
Next.
Stunned, DMK chomps down hard.
Next.
DMK's BLOOD SUGAR skyrockets while taking insane damage all in one shot!
NB + HD: Go down projector pipe.
Both of you are easily small/narrow enough to fit into the small aperture.
Next.
You are projected into the room at normal scale.
NB + HD: Go down stairs through eye door.
These are the customer entrances for the private booths.
NB: Examine middle switch.
There is something odd about this switch.
Next.
Meanwhile in the middle booth, a DAPPER SWAIN enjoys the view from his window.
NB: Flip switch.
You flip it to FRONT.
Next.
The Swain's view is switched to a small, dark interior filled with crates of what appears to be CHEESE.
Swain: Insert coins into coin slot.
Growing impatient, the Swain levies a few copper spondulicks to pay for a better show.
NB: Go back and put on your corset.
Your work in there is clearly done, so you leave.
HD: Enter MM's studio.
The Madame is enraged to see you have returned.
Next.
She equips you with the SCALE BODICE, shoves you through the lobby door, and locks it behind you.
PS: GAMBIT SCHEMA -> CANDY CORN VAMPIRE!
Spooky GAMBIT AETHERS envelope you.
Next.
It seems you have not carved a SCHEMA PUMPKIN, and thus cannot employ your GAMBIT SCHEMAS.
Check progress on tecton hive.
It looks like the bees have collected enough PANG NECTAR to complete an IMPETUS COMB rich with dripping JOCOSE HONEY!!!
Next.
In fact, they collected so much nectar from the previous attack, they've managed to complete the next two combs as well!
Bees: Place impetus combs in tecton hive.
The combs are fitted in the appropriate slots and the honey begins to flow.
Fill Ace Dick's suckle receptacle.
You spin the LAZY SUSAN OF ENDOWMENT to fill the SUCKLE FLAGON.
Fill Fiesta Ace Dick's suckle receptacle.
You fill the SUCKLE CRUET.
Fill Zombie Ace Dick's suckle receptacle.
You fill the SUCKLE DECANTER.
Next.
The three of you combined may now execute a rare and devastating TRIPLE COMB RAVE!
HD: Equip paint roller.
You pick up the PAINT ROLLER and the PAINT BUCKET.
HD: Go into middle private booth.
On the other side of the SQUARE WINDOW, the Dapper Swain waits for his show.
HD: Roll some paint on the mural.
You cover up a bit, being the saucy little tease you are.
Next.
The Swain is piqued by the steamy display.
Next.
Meanwhile, the Mannerly Highbrow is somewhat disconcerted by the view through his expired window.
Highbrow: Go through driver's hatch.
You climb into the driver's seat of the BREAD TRUCK.
NB: Get in passenger seat.
The Highbrow bobs his head politely and asks, where to, miss?
FPI: Conjure candy telescope for sniper rifle.
It looks delicious, but it is completely non-functional.
PI: Throw it away.
You toss it overboard.
Next.
It bounces off a random truck driving by and into a TRAFFIC LIGHT.
Next.
The huge candy-scope takes DMK by surprise, directly in the mouth.
COMB RAVE: TRIPLE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!
Fiesta Ace begins by sending ominous lard-wobbling tremors throughout the cosmos.
Next.
The blubbery onslaught has easily wiped out the remainder of DMK's health meter.
Next.
DMK's NETHER-REGIONAL VULNERABULB blooms, briefly exposing his WEAK SPOT.
PS: SEPULCHRITUDE?
A thousand voices from afar seem to ring in your mind.
Next.
Nope, you're still jumping the gun.
John: Combine Dad's hat and Problem Sleuth game.
You make another ordinary FEDORA with FOUR PIECES OF CANDY CORN inside.
PI: 'No scope' DMK's weak spot with sniper rifle.
You just don't have the right angle on the VULNERABULB from the deck!
John: Combine Hammer and Problem Sleuth game.
Whatever this item is, you cannot make it yet!
Swap hats with DMK.
This idea is just utterly ridiculous on its face.
FAD: Throw crate at DMK.
With your awesome Latin VIM, you hoist the enormous CRATE easily.
Next.
The CRATE sails past the WEAK SPOT, missing completely.
PI: Turn wheel 180 degrees.
With a steady hand gained from MINUTES of experience as the ship's courageous skipper, you flip the universe.
Next.
The rest of the Sleuth crew grabs hold of the NETTING.
Next.
The CRATE comes back down and clocks the WEAK SPOT for massive damage.
Next.
The blow has depleted DMK's supply of SALUBRITY FRANKINCENSE.
Next.
The bulb closes and DMK re-ascends/descends, depending on whether you've flipped the universe right-side-up yet, which I guess you have.
Next.
DMK rotates his head to exhibit a fresh face, complete with not one, but TWO fully replenished health meters.
DMK: LV. 1000 RUNNING NUMBERS: ROLL FOR DEXTROSITY
You roll 1000 LOADED SUGAR CUBE DICE to improve your fortune.
PS: Ask FPI to conjure a schema pumpkin.
He is about to comply but you tell him not to bother, considering one is available for a brief window of time at the strike of midnight on Halloween (10/31/08), and also considering that a SCHEMA PUMPKIN has clearly been in plain view this whole time, and always has been.
PS: Wonder what happened to the four warriors.
Meanwhile, on level 794 of the TOWER OF SYNDETIC ASCENSION...
Next.
The four warriors valiantly melee their way through repulsive foes and onward to the top of the tower.
PS: What Pumpkin?
GAMBIT SCHEMA -> CANDY CORN VAMPIRE!
Using one of your TRUSTY KNIVES, you carve your favorite SPOOK SCHEMATIC into your pumpkin.
Next.
The SPOOK SCHEMATIC for the CANDY CORN VAMPIRE is complete.
GAMBIT SCHEMA -> TOOTSIE ROLL FRANKENSTEIN!
On another part of the same pumpkin, you carve the SPOOK SCHEMATIC for the TOOTSIE ROLL FRANKENSTEIN.
GAMBIT SCHEMA -> GUMMY WORM ZOMBIE!
NB: Ask Highbrow to drive to Gutterpipe Projects.
The Highbrow takes you to the FROMAGÈRE DISTRICT through BEANPOLE ALLEY.
Next.
Unfortunately, your vehicle cannot possibly fit through the SQUARE SHOULDER TOLLS and on to the BOUCHÈRE DISTRICT.
Next.
While you are waiting, the Highbrow makes an uncharacteristically impolite advance!
HD: Cover up the rest of the mural.
The risqué performace has the Swain in libidinous conniptions.
Next.
But wait.
HD: Yeah, paint over those too.
You zap the mural and the outlet with your STUN GUN.
Next.
The outlets are fried.
Pose as a team cause shit is more real than ever.
You copy and paste your previous poses into a new document in a lazy yet very hard boiled manner, and rapidly animate the background colors.
Next.
Fiesta Ace Dick thinks this Halloween costume stuff is some seriously ridiculous bullshit.
Next.
Still trapped on top of DMK's HAT, Ace Dick feels left out of the cool GAMBIT SCHEMA action.
Next.
Death shows up with the game of LIFE.
Next.
Meanwhile, Past-Future Pickle Inspector continues to operate the POPAMATIC BUBBLE, still attempting to get the SUGAR CUBES to roll in his favor.
DMK: LV. 20 THORNCODDLE: SNUGGLEBARB PRICKLEPOKE
DMK lets loose a writhing bewilderment of ill-mannered FLAGELLA.
Next.
PS takes advantage of his heightened VAMPIRE SPEED.
Next.
The slower members of your party are less fortunate.
Next.
Your FLICKER attributes wane only slightly though, on account of your respectively monstrous consitutions (MONSTERTUTIONS).
GPI: Fondly regard crenellation.
It's quite exquisite.
PS: Summon Moe.
You call forth the blistering white hot fury that is MOE.
PS: Unsummon Moe.
You unsummon MOE.
RECAP!!!
A little later, Problem Sleuth found the CONTROL ROOM too.
HD: Go through window.
You exit the rear cabin of the CHEESE TRUCK, which is parked somewhere in the BOUCHERE DISTRICT.
Swain: Go through window.
You enter the rear cabin of the CHEESE TRUCK, and go through the DRIVER'S HATCH.
HD: To the Fromagere District!!
You back through the SQUARE SHOULDER TOLLS in reverse.
NB: Loosen corset, load plug into cheese truck.
You are going to need a stouter build to lift the plug.
Next.
The flustered Highbrow loses purchase of his MONOGLE.
Next.
You feed the plug through the truck's cabin/square window, but you can go no further.
HD: Drive back to Bouchere District.
You tell the Swain to step on it.
Next.
You thread the cord through the HAM NEEDLE, one of the city's most famous landmarks.
HD: Double back through the tolls.
You head back to the FROMAGERE DISTRICT.
NB: Bring plug through wide window.
You enter the last booth, and exit the cabin of the HAM TRUCK, flattening out the proportions of you and the plug.
AD: Begin playing Life.
Because there aren't nearly enough side plots going on, you think it's time you got started with this epic duel on top of a large HAT.
Next.
After divvying up your STARTING CASH, you choose the appropriate GAME PIECES.
Next.
Death uses his ADDING SCYTHE to make careful calculations on how to utilize his funds.
Next.
Ace Dick grabs Death's cash and runs!
Next.
You and Death fit into the PEG SLOTS of your GAME PIECES.
FAD: Ride MK's fort like a mechanical bull.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOHSHIT.
4 Heroes: Ascend to battle DMK.
The gallant heroes a locked in epic combat with the vile demonlout, OGOLG M'RUBBIT: PRINCE OF THE CANDYBEAN WARLOCKS.
DMK: COMBAT OPERANDI -> CLOWNSTORM
The CLOWN PONTIFICATE is summoned and wields his legendary HAMPER OF THE JADED FOOL'S ENNUI.
Next.
In spite of your tremendous VAMPIRE SPEED, you simply cannot avoid the savage volley of FLOPPY SHOES.
Next.
All three FLICKER attributes have been dampened.
ZAD: Clean the mess up.
Zombie Ace takes care of all the torsos.
PFPI: Cheat in game of Trouble.
After about seven hours horsing around with the loathsome POPAMATIC BUBBLE, you are no closer to landing a favorable roll with those stupid SUGAR CUBES.
Next.
You advance one of your PEGS by one SLOT.
Next.
You are overwhelmed by feelings of guilt!!!
Next.
You put the piece back.
AD: Take money to racetrack, bet on ponies.
You make a few sharp turns to ditch Death.
Next.
You speed through an intersection and run over a PEDESTRIAN.
Next.
You cradle her in your arms.
Next.
You desperately bargain with Death, challenging him to any game you can think of for the fair damsel's life.
Next.
Death vanishes from the game.
AD: Punch woman in snout to establish superiority.
Your superiority has been clearly established!
Next.
DMK's EMOTION level rises due to the poignant, tear-jerking moment taking place on top of his HAT.
PS: COMBAT OPERANDI -> ARMISTYX
You expend the required units of HOG SLOP, PIE FILLING, and a single ELF TEAR to invoke the mysterious command.
Next.
You summon Death from his macabre realm, or wherever the hell he was when you called him away.
Next.
You strike a diplomatic bargain with Death and receive a boon.
PS: AGGRESS.
FAD: Beat the crap out of MK.
You stand up to box MK's ears but it seems he has fled the office.
Next.
MK deposits an ornate PERSIAN RUG over the TRAP DOOR, then retreats down the stairs.
FAD: Pursue MK.
You fall right into MK's trap, and slide down the DUMBWAITER SHAFT into the back room of your office.
Next.
MK enters his SPEAKEASY and re-lodges the OBOE between the doors.
PS: Keep aggressing.
FAD: Bust into still room like Kool-Aid Man.
OH YEAH!!!
Next.
You feel a most unwelcome rumbling beneath your feet.
FAD: Break down door using awesome latin strength.
You easily snap the thin, brittle instrument in half.
Next.
The little bit commotion proves to be the oboe that broke the camel's back.
Next.
While Fiesta Ace examines the hole, you sneak up the stairs.
MK: Exit speakeasy.
GPI: Do something useful!
I'm sorry, but Godhead Pickle Inspector can only fondly regard His creation.
Next.
Oh cripes, in this form DMK regenerates very quickly!
PS: Aggress faster!
Check on status of honey production.
PANG NECTAR has been raining down steadily with every attack.
PI: Stop standing around like an idiot and do something!
You think it's finally time you put your GAMBIT SCHEMA's monstrous strength to use.
ZAD: Stop standing around like an idiot and do something!
Zombie Ace Dick is borderline retarded and usually can't do anything other than bite things and absorb preposterous amounts of damage!
NB: Get in ham truck and drive through underpass.
The Churlish Toff loses his footing.
Next.
His BINOCULEERS sadly are crushed beneath the tire of the HAM TRUCK.
Next.
You drive through JACK SQUAT UNDERPASS with the plug in tow.
NB: Feed plug through gutterpipe projector.
You widen the aperture of the valve and dump the plug through.
Next.
The extra slack from the plug's cord is tightened around the eye of the HAM NEEDLE.
Next.
The plug is projected at high velocity into the MOVING PICTURE SCREEN, now at a reasonable scale.
HD: Loosen scale bodice.
You loosen the drawstrings on your bodice to normalize your scale, but you overdo it a little.
Next.
The Swain gets an ungentlemanly eye-full with his PERSONAL GAWKULAR LENS.
Next.
Mobster Kingpin has exited the SPEAKEASY, which apparently was the back room of a LEGITIMATE ESTABLISHMENT operating as a front for his bootlegging outfit.
MK: Exit legitimate establishment.
You exit the shop to the south side of Whore Island.
Next.
From this vantage you can see the famous CLOCK TOWER OF CARTESIAN ALIGNMENT.
FAD: Pursue MK.
You barge out of the establishment's door, but MK is nowhere to be found.
AD: Advance in Life.
Life is good!
Heroes: Advance in Cathedral.
The party has reached level 66,665, one removed from the final floor!
Next.
The HOG CLERIC swivels his CROOK OF FEALTY and casts the spell PORCINE INTERVENTION.
Next.
The WEASEL WARRIOR flips the fuck out back to life!
PS: FINAL AGGRESSION!
Next.
DMK's second health meter has been knocked off completely!
Death: Mourn loss of scythe.
The loss of his beloved weapon has caused Death to shed another tear of black liquid sorrow.
ZAD: Push PI toward anchor to hurry him along.
Sorry, some things just can't be rushed.
FAD: Manhandle one of the gentlemen.
You grab a suspicious looking gentleman by the collar and rough him up a bit.
Next.
The giant dame above kindly points out MK from the lineup.
MK: Throw down your hat in disgust.
No good stinkin' dames!
Next.
MK takes his HAT back and flees into the brothel.
HD: Tighten strings on bodice.
You return to normal scale.
HD: Unplug projector and plug in fan
You couldn't possibly be that stupid, could you???
NB: Bring plug through mousehole.
You feed the plug through the hole and sneak by MM.
NB: Tighten corset like you've never tightened before!
Even though you are weaker with these proportions, you have no problem lifting the plug because it is very light when it is small!
Next.
The extended valve punctures the hull of one of MK's shady bust-smuggling ships.
NB: Plug in fan.
You have successfully plugged in the FAN!
HD: Enter MM's studio.
You barge in.
MK: Enter theater.
In your hurry to escape the awful red menace that is Fiesta Ace Dick, you don't notice a small man on the floor with an eyepiece.
FAD: Follow MK.
You enter the empty theater.
Next.
The burlesque cinema makes you a little hot under the collar, even considering your already innately spicy disposition.
Next.
You obtain a PERSONAL GAWKULAR LENS next to the small man's body on the floor.
Next.
This is just complete horseshit.
Next.
MK sneaks up behind you and slaps you on the back of the head.
FPI: Play a haunting tuba refrain to raise DMK's emotions.
You conjure a TUBA and prepare to blow a soulful, brooding melody through the substantial horn's brassy girth.
DMK: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> VEXATIOUS GLOWER
You just can't do it.
FPI: COMBAT OPERANDI -> TEMPORAL REPLICSIMILE
You split in two and narrowly avoid the attack.
Next.
DMK turns his GLOWER on Problem Sleuth!
Next.
The FLICKER attribute of your ARTIFICE AMBIENT has been completely snuffed out.
Next.
Problem Sleuth's GAMBIT SCHEMA has expired.
NB: Enter dollhouse.
You enter the FOYER of the DOLLHOUSE.
NB: Enter studio door.
You re-enter Madame Murel's studio at normal scale.
HD+NB: AGGRESS
PFPI: Join battle.
You think it's pretty clear Death has abandoned your friendly game for good.
HD+NB: DUAL AGGRESSION -> STRIPTEASE
Next.
The pair of burly men grapple through the studio in a rough-and-tumble manner.
Next.
The Swain makes a valiant play for his eyepiece, which in no way shape or form could ever be used in conjunction with a sniper rifle, and possibly could serve as one of numerous red herrings to this effect.
PS+ZAD+Death: Move anchor toward PI.
Your combined strength is enough to nudge the anchor a little bit his way.
Next.
YES!!!
Check on combs again.
One of the IMPETUS COMBS is complete!
MK+FAD: Take brawl into doll house pantry.
You both enter the PANTRY.
Heroes: Reach final level.
You have ascended to level 66,666 at long last.
Heroes: Turn crank.
The CLOCK TOWER OF CARTESIAN ALIGNMENT comes into focus.
PI: COMB RAVE -> ANCHORS AWAY
You prepare to fill your SUCKLE AMPHORA to fuel your devastating anchor attack!
MK: Smash Suckle Amphora over FAD's head.
With little regard for dollhouse property, you shatter the small, delicate glass vessel over your adversary's thick cranium.
MK: Replace Amphora with a new receptacle.
You find a striking SUCKLE CHALICE in one of the cabinets.
DMK: COMB RAVE -> FILL 'EM WITH DAYLIGHT
DMK powers up for a ridiculously deadly attack!
PI: Throw anchor overboard.
You drop the ANCHOR.
Next.
The ANCHOR latches on to the base of the CATHEDRAL OF SYNDETIC ASCENSION.
Next.
The tension in the rope causes the CHICAGO OVERCOAT to veer off course, outside the reach of DMK's attack.
Next.
You sling 180 degrees around the cathedral to the other side, exposing a view of the CLOCK TOWER OF CARTESIAN ALIGNMENT.
Next.
Problem Sleuth mans the wheel for no very good reason since it doesn't actually serve any purpose in steering the ship.
MM: Flee into dollhouse and wear corset.
MM hardly took any damage from the previous skirmish.
Next.
Someone has stolen your corset.
HD: Loosen scale bodice, ascend to attic.
You consider increasing your size to break through the floors and rise directly to the ATTIC.
MM: AGGRESS
While you are daydreaming about such things, Madame Murel dips her SKELETON BRUSH into the PALETTE PAINTS.
Next.
MM lashes HD with her SKELETON FLAIL.
Next.
NB completes a successful AUTO-PARRY: ASPECT DODGE!
DMK: Fill 'em with daylight already!
Next.
DMK's attack has ripped the universe in half.
Next.
The cathedral and clock tower have been sliced in half as well.
Comb report?
The next two combs are complete!
Fill HD and NB's suckle receptacles.
FAD and MK interrupt their brawl to wonder just what the heck is going on over there with that LAZY SUSAN.
MM: Aggress more vigorously.
You sock HD right in the noggin with a bold swab of EMERALD GREEN PAINT.
HD: Return to dollhouse.
HD: COMB RAVE -> ROLLING THUNDER
NB: CHAIN ATTACK
NB chains her COMB RAVE after HD's attack.
NB: COMB RAVE -> HIGHLY FLAMMABLE CASE OF THE VAPORS
Next.
You become engulfed in volatile STRIPPER FUMES.
NB: Finish her.
You fire up your finishing move, LV. 99 CUDDLETECH -> TUCK HER IN GOODNIGHT.
Next.
Madame Murel has been slain.
AD: Enjoy Life.
You stroll down the sidewalk with your beautiful, loving family, thinking fondly of all the riches and power you've accumulated.
Next.
But not everyone is thrilled by your meteoric rise to power.
GPI: DEUS EX SEWING MACHINA
Your wondrous creation has been desecrated.
Next.
You pluck the HAM NEEDLE from its foundation in the BOUCHERE DISTRICT.
Next.
You affix the meat-based landmark to your trusty SEWING MACHINA.
GPI: Sew universe back together.
Next.
The breach has been mended.
Next.
The structures repair themselves as well.
FAD: Wield machine gun against MK.
You're through with all this aimless ruffianism.
MK: Don MM's corset.
Mobster Kingpin puts on the late Madame Murel's stolen undergarment.
FAD: Fire.
The bullets ricochet off of MK's now massive, virtually immovable torso.
Next.
The CLOCK TOWER OF CARTESIAN ALIGNMENT finally strikes midnight.
Next.
The speakeasy patrons hear the chime and know that it can only mean one thing.
Next.
A change takes place in the ship's WHEEL.
HD: Get brush and palette.
You acquire the SKELETON BRUSH and the PALETTE.
HD: Paint keyholes on locks.
You use the SKELETON BRUSH to apply KEYHOLES to the locks with the appropriate paint colors.
HD: Unlock door.
You use the SKELETON KEY on the locks.
Next.
You are free to go up the stairs.
Next.
Death greets MM in the afterlife politely.
Next.
He wonders if by any chance you are up for a GAME involving LARGE MAMMALS with INSATIABLE APPETITES.
Next.
MM becomes furious at the backhanded reference to her substantial carriage.
HD+NB: Ascend stairs.
You both advance to the second floor of the DOLLHOUSE.
Heroes: Turn crank.
The cathedral's viewport zooms in on the clock.
Next.
The CHRONOSCOPE OF AXIAL CONJUGATION extends from the cathedral's eye.
Next.
You observe a change taking place in the wheel's viewport.
NB: Retrieve sunglasses.
You put BEN STILLER'S SUNGLASSES in your inventory.
HD+NB: Ascend stairs.
You reach the ATTIC.
PS: Remove chronoscope from wheel.
Next.
You pry the scope from the central groove.
Next.
You got the CHRONOSCOPE!!!
FAD: COMBAT OPERANDI -> BELLY OF THE WHALE
You've been locked in this futile struggle long enough.
MK: BATTLE TECHNIQUE -> EXTORTION
Once again, MK turns the tables on you and horns in on your somewhat ethnically flavored racket.
Next.
Fiesta Ace Dick is pulled into Mobster Kingpin's generous tummy.
Next.
You transform into Fiesta Mobster Kingpin.
Thug: Lower Pryglass to reveal a black ring around eye.
He's seen enough.
Next.
Ace has been strutting around like he owns the town long enough.
Next.
You AUTO-PARRY a bullet directly in the gut, saving your dear, sweet SONHEARST!
Next.
DMK's EMOTIONS have risen due to the gripping drama unfolding on top of his HAT!
AD+Sonhearst: Become vigilante superheroes out of grief.
Your losses cause you to feel an all-consuming sense of vengeance.
FAD: Punch Death in snout to establish superiority.
That Mexican fellow over there seems awfully angry.
Next.
SONHEARST becomes BATHEARST.
PS: Give scope to PI.
To save time you lob the CHRONOSCOPE to your incredibly slow ally.
PI: Attach scope to sniper rifle.
It fits your SEXTANT perfectly.
Next.
A change takes place in the CLOCK TOWER OF CARTESIAN ALIGNMENT.
Next.
The tower transforms into the CLOCK TOWER SNIPER CANNON.
PI: Zoom in.
You see through the scope that the CHICAGO OVERCOAT has finally swung around in front of DMK again.
PI: Look around universe with scope.
You cast a curious ogle throughout the cosmos.
Next.
What's that up there?
PS: FOR THE LOVE OF GPI, SAVE THAT GLORIOUS BUST!
NOOOO!
Next.
PI had no intention of destroying the precious bust.
Next.
PI's finger slips.
HD: Flip switch.
Finally, it is time to supply power to the fan.
Next.
The electric current makes its way through the well-traveled cord.
Next.
To reach the fan, it seems the current must traverse the entire span of the universe, and then back again.
Heroes: Descend (ascend?)
The four heroes have reached the bottom of the city-side of the cathedral.
Next.
The heroes take a stroll to the Gutterpipe Projects.
FMK: Tighten brassier making you small enough to exit door.
You pull on the VOLUME DRAWSTRINGS, reducing your volume by a factor of 10.
Next.
You fall through the floor of the DOLLHOUSE.
PI: Aim at DMK.
First you use your crackshot aim to sever the tether to the ANCHOR.
Next.
The cannon volley deals significant damage, which DMK naturally is quick to regenerate!
Next.
Zombie Ace takes the brunt of the actual SNIPER RIFLE fire, but adeptly manages to AUTO-PARRY!
ZAD: COMBAT OPERANDI -> CHECK YO'SELF JONAH
You are fed up with being a squishy, necrotic doormat.
Next.
You fire your HARPOON GUN into the great monster's hide and hoist yourself up.
Next.
You make a stand for the freedom of your people.
Next.
The cannon's fire drifts...
Next.
The sperm whale falls through the sky and lands on a building.
Next.
The impact of the fall finally snuffs out your FLICKER completely.
AD: Become Punisher Ace Dick.
Your seething vengeance transforms you into a gritty, gun-toting vigilante.
AD+Bathearst: Fight crime.
You watch over the flaming ruins of your once great empire.
AD: Spin Wheel of Life.
You consult with the WHEEL OF LIFE to guide you on how to proceed with the outrageous ass-kicking that is sure to follow.
Next.
You purchase an OX, and some goods like CURED MEATS, WHISKEY, TOBACCO, and other essentials.
Heroes: Enter Gutterpipe.
Gentlemen: Aggress foppishly.
As gentlemen, you feel strongly that when confronted with a dictatorial word, an energetic fist should be ready to resist.
FMK: Tighten brassier.
Disgusted with the display of foppery, you show them how a real man should behave.
Next.
The gravitational forces cause the dollhouse to shake.
Next.
HD and NB fall to the room below with the whores.
AD: Go hunting.
Unsurprisingly, your shitty gun explodes.
Next.
It looks like you will have to brave the frontier while short on supplies.
AD: Ford river.
You decide a guy this hard boiled doesn't go messing around with totally unmanly things like caulk.
Next.
BATHEARST slips and falls into the river and is carried away by the current.
Next.
BATHEARST has drowned.
Next.
DMK grieves at young BATHEARST'S passing.
PI: Keep up heavy shelling of DMK with that cannon!
DMK continues to absorb the cannon fire.
Next.
The wicked salvo is releasing a massive deluge of PANG NECTAR!
Meanwhile, in the afterlife...
AD: Lament Life.
Your OXEN have died and you've long-since consumed their remains.
Next.
With no earthly possessions left, you resort to wandering the wilderness.
Next.
Weakened by starvation and grief, you crawl to a TREE STUMP and collapse.
AD: Dig up stump.
For some reason, using your last ounce of strength, you are compelled to dig up the stump.
Next.
The tragedy is all DMK can stand.
Comb status.
The bees have completed the next IMPETUS COMB!
Next.
Ace Dick's game of LIFE has ended.
Next.
Death returns, possibly to offer perspective on the lessons learned from the game of LIFE you were so eager to jump into.
AD: Punch Death in snout to establish infuriation.
Next.
While Death is distracted, a number of stragglers appear to be wandering out of the afterlife.
Next.
Death is terribly flustered.
Fill PFPI's Suckle Receptacle.
PFPI: COMB RAVE: TEMPORAL REPLICOLLISION
Past-Future Pickle Inspector taps the outrageous powers of the 7th comb's JOCOSE HONEY.
Next.
PFPI spots the huge floating TRAFFIC LIGHT PORTALS which everyone seems to have forgotten about.
Next.
The PART-PICKLE accelerates himself through one half of the makeshift collider.
Next.
PFPI approaches the speed of light.
Next.
Future-Future Pickle Inspector finally appears from the past, conveniently in the midst of the second collider.
FFPI: COMB RAVE: TEMPORAL REPLICOLLISION
FFPI uses the rest of the honey for the other HALF RAVE MANEUVER: LARGE HADRON ANTI-PART-PICKLE ACCELERATION.
Next.
He begins his journey in reverse through the other half of the TRAFFIC LIGHT PORTAL COLLIDER.
Next.
The LARGE HADRON PART-PICKLES draw aim at DMK, just beneath the LARGE HAT, DRAWN on top of his head.
Collide.
The two PART-PICKLES collide, obliterating each other in an act of self-sacrifice.
AD: Have tearful reunion with Bathearst.
Death was unsuccessful in his attempt to shoo everyone back in the door, so they have no choice but to brace for impact.
Next.
It turns out to be a moot point though.
Next.
There is a strange fellow standing on top of the large HAT DRAWN on DMK's head.
Next.
Meanwhile, DMK's NETHER-REGIONAL VULNERABULB blooms, again exposing his WEAK SPOT.
PI: Snipe weak spot.
You can probably end this whole thing right now with one clean head(bulb)shot.
Next.
Your SEXTANT is out of ammo!!!
Death: Appraise Bonehead's mortality.
The mournful look in Death's empty sockets says it all.
Higgs Bonehead: Target weak spot with kamikaze attack.
The Bonehead knows what he must do.
PI: Give PS Chronoscope.
In a moment of quick thinking, you realize Problem Sleuth will need the scope to reactivate the wheel and turn the universe.
Next.
Death convinces everyone to get back inside so they all don't go flying off the top of the hat.
PS: Turn wheel.
You flip the universe, reversing the Bonehead's course, directly toward the bulb.
Next.
It is too late.
PS: Throw your hat down in...
You are determined not to let this opportunity slip by.
PI: Go pick up huge barrel.
Pickle Inspector begins his dogged trek towards the barrel.
Heroes: Aggress DMMK.
HD+NB+Whores: Aggress DMMK.
Hysterical Dame and Nervous Broad, leaders and liberators of all prostitutes, command their loyal whores to prepare for battle!
Next.
You are having a hard time inflicting any damage on DMMK, who is shielded by his strong gravitational field.
Next.
The whores aren't having much luck either.
PI: Check ripeness.
You examine your SCHEMA PUMPKIN.
Next.
It has been almost an hour.
Meanwhile in the Speakeasy...
The patrons of the speakeasy have put the witching hour to good use.
Next.
The barkeep wonders if the man is sure about that, and ventures that perhaps he's had enough tonight.
Patrons: Head to brothel.
They head for the studio, but the Madame does not appear to be around.
Patrons: Enter dollhouse.
There is nothing in here but a huge hole in the floor.
Gentlemen: Aggress DMMK.
The Gentlemen aggress this uncouth ruffian with the sort of tactics that strike their fancy at the moment: by waging stiff contest through a series of old-timey childhood games!
Next.
The Mannerly Highbrow bustles on to the stage with a spirited game of HOOP AND STICK.
Highbrow: LV. 4 HOOPTECH -> DMMK KATAMARI BALL
The Highbrow blithely rolls DMMK around Katamari-style, gathering lesser debris lying about such as MELONS, ARROWS, COINS, and bits of EGG SHELL.
Next.
The ball soon accumulates every character under the dollhouse.
DMMK: Tighten drawstrings.
DMMK is livid about the lack of respect he is being shown.
Comb report.
Professor Bee oversees the mammoth undertaking of filling the final comb.
Next.
It is the mother of all combs.
Fan report.
The electric current is still taking its sweet time.
Pickle report.
Pickle Inspector isn't faring much better with his blasted FRANKENSTEIN SLOWNESS.
Next.
You put your RESOLVE HAT back on, which conveniently is the same hat as your NORMAL HAT.
Next.
THERE IS NO TIME FOR FRANKENSTEIN SLOWNESS WHICH IS A GOOD TIME FOR FRANKENSTEIN SLOWNESS.
PS: Turn wheel 90 degrees.
You pitch the universe 90 degrees CCW, tipping the BARREL towards an utterly immobile PI.
Next.
The BARREL bounces off PI's head, sailing overboard laterally.
PS: Turn wheel 180 degrees.
Next.
DMK's supply of SPUNK MYRRH has been depleted.
PS: Right universe.
Next.
Pickle Inspector's GAMBIT SCHEMA has expired, along with the RIPENESS of the SCHEMA PUMPKIN which may or may not have ever existed.
DMMK: Ascend(Descend?)
Next.
The force of entry has caused the orbiting mob of characters to disperse throughout the game.
Next.
DMMK descends from the heavens much to the rapture of his zealous acolytes.
Everyone: Exit Life.
There isn't much for you to do in this stupid board game so you all decide to leave.
Next.
Meanwhile in the afterlife, everyone hears a lot of commotion outside the door.
Everyone: Exit Afterlife.
Next.
The VULNERABULB has closed.
Hatless Man: Drink Ink of Squid Pro Quo.
The man is delighted that the hootenanny continues into the night with all these new faces on top of this peculiar flat surface, whatever it is.
Next.
Hysterical Dame swats the bottle of ink away from the foolish drunkard.
Thugs: Prostrate thyselves before savior.
The thugs buckle their knees and cast their unworthy torsos sidewalk-ward.
DMMK: Tighten drawstrings yet again.
You give them a good tug this time, lowering your volume and jacking up your mass to a factor of a million million million million, roughly the weight of an Earth-sized planet.
Next.
Dark Matter Mobster Kingpin has slipped under his SCHWARZSCHILD RADIUS and collapsed to become Black Hole Mobster Kingpin.
Death: Greet new visitors.
You have become so frazzled by people coming and going, you completely forgot to have some TEA prepared for your new guests.
Death: Beg visitors to stay.
You plead with these fellows to stay put in the afterlife.
Next.
The Madame, who appears not to have left with the others, gives her assurance as well.
PS: Get ye ink flask.
Problem Sleuth acquires the INK OF SQUID PRO QUO and puts it safely in his POCKET, where any good flask belongs.
Next.
The gravitational pull of BHMK is unstoppable.
Next.
It's DMK's third and final face.
NB+HD:Get sucked into event horizon in more elongated manner
As you approach the EVENT HORIZON, the strong tidal forces cause your ASPECT RATIOS to be stretched out.
Next.
The closer you get, the more pronounced the gravitational TIME DILATION becomes.
Next.
Just before you cross the horizon, you catch a glimpse of every future event in the universe all happening at once.
NB: Put on sunglasses.
What you witness cannot be described by words.
Next.
You cross through the EVENT HORIZON.
DMK: LV. 99 CODDLETECH -> THORNSWOGGLE
DMK deploys his black BRIER OF CRUELTY.
Next.
PS and PI are constricted in a PRICKLY SLEEPER HOLD.
Death and company: LV. 3 HIPPOTECH: THE HUNGER
Hippo Inspectors: Ascend to Godhead.
The four PIs are beckoned by their Creator.
Next.
GPI has a specific task for the four of you.
PIs: TEMPORAL REPLICSIMILE AD INFINITUM
Each PI divides himself into two smaller parts, deploying one to the past, the other to the future.
Next.
The PART-PICKLES politely play the roles of each elementary particle in the standard model, namely quarks, electrons and neutrinos.
Next.
The PART-PICKLES spread throughout history to comprise all of the matter in the universe at every moment in time.
Next.
The tidal forces have stretched Hysterical Dame into a string of quarks.
HD+NB: Land already.
HD reverts back to her original dimensions.
Next.
The others land too.
Next.
It seems you were all standing on her.
Next.
It looks like the DEMIMONDE GODDESS has been waiting here to greet you, wherever it is 'here' might be.
Next.
1000, to be precise, each shrunken to a miniscule size.
Next.
Or the head of a KINGPIN.
Weasel King: Survey Kingdom.
His Royal Excellency makes a regal and slightly disconcerted perusal of his realm through the BRASS EYEPEEP of his IMPERIAL GAZING WAND.
Next.
Yes, it does seem that MOUNT SAINT LARDASS is fit to burst.
Recap Part 2!
When Death had finished his last entry, DMK had just exposed his second face, Team Sleuth had invoked their GAMBIT SCHEMAS, HD and NB had begun wandering through the SLEAZY BROTHEL IN THE SKY, and AD was embarking upon a game of LIFE with DEATH.
Next.
The gravitational pull of BHMK is slowly drawing every heavenly body closer together.
Next.
The BRIER OF CRUELTY is choking the life out of you and your ally.
PI: Tickle BRIER OF CRUELTY.
You retrieve the TECTRIX OF THE ARBITOR you were granted as a boon from the Weasel King a while ago to duel with Death.
PI: TICKLETECH -> LV. 1 FEATHERMEDDLE
Your foolish butterfingers mishandle the feather!
PS: CATCH IT!!!
You obtain the legendary TECTRIXCALIBUR.
PS: Slash brier.
Next.
PI lands at the ship's helm, ready to put the wealth of nautical experience from his skippering days to use.
FINAL COMB STATUS
The 8th comb is complete.
PS: Fill Suckle Receptacle.
PS: SEPULCHRITUDE
Righteous fires of charisma wipe out the brier.
PS: RIGHTEOUS AGGRESSION
Next.
DMK's 3rd health meter has been eliminated.
Death: Secure doors.
With everyone distracted by the spectacle overhead, you think now would be a good time to lodge a CONTRABASS CLARINET between the DOORS OF LIFE AND DEATH.
Next.
When you open the door, the massive difference in gravitational potential sucks you and everything in the afterlife through it.
Next.
FLOWERS and ANGELS and HONEY BEES are everywhere.
AD: LV. 99 BELLY OF THE WHALE: BLOWHOLE SWANSONG
No stranger to massive suction forces, you open that awesome aquatic pietrap of yours and deal your most advanced STOMACHTECH of all.
Next.
You consume your counterparts, ZAD and FAD, finally uniting as one mean, strapping Dick of unprecedented VIM.
Next.
Ace Dick.
AD: Close door.
You close the door with little effort.
Next.
The entire flower was sucked through the door, inside-out.
Angels: Escape via Hawking radiation.
The angels flock near the EVENT HORIZON, as far as they can make it against the pull of the gravitational field.
Next.
Due to principles of uncertainty regarding the existence of angels in a vacuum, each splits in to ANGEL/ANTIANGEL PAIRS.
Next.
The DEMIMONDE GODDESS also splits, creating a pair of DEMIMONDE SEMIGODDESSES.
Next.
The black hole emits SATANGELIC HAWKING RADIATION, and shrinks due to loss of mass/energy.
DS: SERAPHIMIC DYNAMEIS -> CHERUBUM'S RUSH
The DEMIMONDE SEMIGODDESS commands her army to throw everything it's got at the unholy demonhead.
Next.
The angels and antiangels that remained in the black hole settle back down on the HAT.
Hatless man: Retrieve HAT.
The ornery drunkard snatches his well-traveled headwear from Death.
Next.
The man vomits into his HAT.
DS: Grant PS a boon.
The Semigoddess bestows you with the most powerful set of KEYS in the universe, the SMITH CORONA BLOTSPITTER.
Next.
She plucks a RIBBON from her hair and supplies you with ammunition.
PS: Load weapon.
You load the CARTRIDGE into the BLOTSPITTER, pull back on the bolt handle, lock and load with a DING.
PS: LV. 98 SLEUTH DIPLOMACY -> POISON PEN LETTER
You hammer at the KEYS of the SMITH CORONA.
Next.
With a flourish you notarize the memorandum with some official marks and present it to DMK for his judicious consideration!!!
Next.
DMK's SICK BURN meter suffers a critical spike.
Next.
You load the scathing doctrine into the weapon's CARRIAGE.
PS: LV. 99 SLEUTH DIPLOMACY -> PAX PROBLISCUM
In a last ditch effort to salvage diplomatic proceedings, you invoke the ultimate resolution in your formal attache of plenipotentiary clauses, motioning for bilateral demilitarization and cessation of hostilities for the mutual advancement and prolonged commitment to the furtherance of harmonious relations among sovereign parties.
Next.
PEACE BE WITH YOU.
Next.
DMK's 2nd health meter has been eliminated.
BHMK: Tighten drawstrings.
Seeing your precious black hole dwindling, you give your brassier's drawstrings another stiff tug.
Next.
BHMK now occupies the center of a SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE.
DMK: LADDER TO HELL
Sensing his impending demise, DMK grows a few extra health meters.
MSPA readers: React to update.
<- GO BACK
MSPA readers: Never mind.
Devil: Prod damned with FORK.
You give the MORONS a lively poke with your GAY PORNOGRAPHY.
Next.
The universe is becoming a rather crowded place.
Next.
The CHICAGO OVERCOAT is headed straight for an encroaching SUN.
PI: Navigate with sextant.
You take the CHRONOSCOPE from the WHEEL again, and attach it to your trusty SEXTANT.
Next.
The CLOCK TOWER SEXTANT is activated.
PI: Plot a new course.
Through careful adjustment of the instrument's various mirrors and dials, you rotate the entire universe about the ship's vertical axis.
Next.
You pop the scope back in place to reactivate the wheel.
Weasel King: Ride Mount Lardass like mechanical bull.
You already did that a while ago!
Next.
You direct your IMPERIAL GAZING WAND above.
Weasel King: Commune with arbitor.
The souls of the ARBITOR and the KING merge as one.
PS: FINAL FLIP OUT
Next.
The rest of your INK is drained, fueling a final conflagration of all-consuming holy charisma.
Next.
The majesty of your personal charm spreads throughout the cosmos.
Next.
The VULNERABULB blooms, exposing DMK's FETAL SEEDPOD.
Next.
Unfortunately SEPULCHRITUDE has sapped your last ounce of VIM.
Next.
The useless skipper makes note of the development with his keen ogle.
Next.
This is incredibly urgent!
BHMK: Tighten drawstrings to limit.
Enraged by the downfall of your demonhead, you give that corset one last tug.
BHMK: Retrieve arms from crannies and fissures.
You've already got about a thousand of them, lardass!
Next.
BHMK swells to a monstrous ULTRA MASSIVE BLACK HOLE.
Next.
The SUN is absorbed by the black hole, filling it with daylight.
Next.
The stellar body heats up that ludicrous battleship you call an ass.
Next.
PI finally puts the SNIPER RIFLE together.
Next.
DMK is too weak to resist the pull of the black hole anymore.
PI: Fire at moon.
You blast a chunk out of the MOON.
Next.
There goes the MOON.
Next.
As the black hole expands, PS is pulled closer to its EVENT HORIZON.
Next.
The CHICAGO OVERCOAT approaches the clock.
Next.
The electric current travels through the FAN CORD, across the relativistically shortened span of the universe in the blink of a relativistically accelerated eye.
Next.
It reaches the HAM NEEDLE, loops through it, and doubles back across the universe, lickety-split.
Next.
CAPTAIN SNOOP'S noble mount comes to a rest at the foot of whore island.
Next.
The bust falls into the LABRYNTHINE SUDOCUBE COMPREHSENSILE'S unfathomable catacombs.
Next.
Egad!
PI: Steer universe.
You pop the scope back in the wheel and steer like man possessed.
Next.
PS is pulled into the event horizon.
Next.
The Snoop emerges unscratched.
Next.
You may be a winner for now.
DS: AGGRESS SEEDPOD
You order your army of angels/anti-angels to finish off the foul demonhead.
DMK: DEFENSIVE GLOWER
DEFEND THE SEEDPOD AT ALL COSTS!
Next.
The Demimonde Semigoddess has been slain.
PI: Flip wheel one last time.
You turn the universe, redirecting the bust toward the underside of the black hole.
Next.
CAPTAIN SNOOP is pulled in.
Next.
The angelic army has been all but exterminated.
Next.
The bust explodes on impact.
Next.
DMK's supply of PEP GOLD is almost completely wiped out!
Next.
It is time to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Next.
DMK has been slain.
Next.
Here comes that MOON.
Everyone: BRACE FOR IMPACT.
Next.
BHMK is pushed through his corset.
Next.
MOUNT SAINT LARDASS erupts.
Next.
The black hole explodes.
Next.
The universe reverts to its prior dimensions.
Next.
Everyone and everything trapped in the black hole is ejected in random directions throughout the universe.
Next.
DMK'S HAT falls through the sky.
Next.
You breathe a sigh of relief.
Next.
And what is the meaning of this large, busty fishwoman in your wheel's viewport?
Next.
Oh dear.
Next.
The bust to the face sends you reeling.
Next.
DMK'S HAT is skewered by the HAM NEEDLE.
PS+AD+PI: Land in a hard boiled manner.
Pose as a team 'cause shit j...
Next.
MK rides the HAM NEEDLE like a...
AD: Get MEGATON KEY.
Picking up the ludicrously heavy key is no sweat for the strongest man in the world.
Next.
Hysterical Dame and Nervous Broad ride in an AUTOMOBILE which some grateful whores were kind enough to supply.
PS+AD+PI: VICTORY DANCE!
While the others set their feet aflutter with riotous mirth, our hero is in no condition for merriment.
Next.
You are one of the top Problem Sleuths in the caliginous void.
Quickly retrieve arms from approaching light.
What approaching...
Next.
The dancer spins to a haunting melody.
Next.
Wait, don't go...
Next.
You breathe a deep sigh, resigned to the dark veil settling over your reality.
Next.
What is the meaning of this moist feeling on your cheek?
Next.
Are your eyes deceiving you?
Next.
No it wasn't a dream!
Everyone: Get in flivver.
Thanks for playing!
EPILOGUE -> Next.
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MK: Exit afterlife.
Death is nowhere to be seen.
GPI: Fondly regard creation.
Next.
Another balmy summer evening.
Answer phone.
You pick up the phone and to no surprise it is some dame yacking about something.
Hang up.
What the matter is there's a problem.
Pose as a team.
THE END.
Kanaya: Reply to memo.
CGA: What FCG: YOUR PROBLEM, DOES IT PERTAIN TO REDROM OR BLACKROM INTERESTS?
Jane: Inspect posters.
Oh and there's one of your PROBLEM SLEUTH posters.

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