1
Candy was definitely the right choice, John thinks, as he munches thoughtfully on a strawberry swirl mint.
1
Meat was definitely the right choice, you think, as grease drips down your chin.
1
It starts with a crack.
Homestuck BETA
A young man stands in his bedroom.
Homestuck
A young man stands in his bedroom.
2
John zaps back to the quietest point in the fridge’s impressively storied timeline that he can pinpoint, which is on The Land of Tombs and Krypton, T-minus about half an hour before his final battle against every dude they all had to fight to get the hell out of Dodge.
2
DAVE: bro In the heart of the Troll Kingdom’s capital city, Dave and Karkat are sitting on their couch with a foot and a half of space between them.
2
When you arrive at Rose’s apartment, you find her asleep on the couch.
3
Yes, something feels very different.
3
It’s a beautiful day in the Carapace Kingdom, just like it was in the Human Kingdom and just like it was in Salamander Village.
4
Rose’s eyes flutter open to the sound of a heart monitor and the sight of a featureless white ceiling.
4
You arrive in the Land of Heat and Clockwork in a flash of white.
Examine room.
Your name is JOHN.
Examine room.
Your name is JOHN.
5
JADE: did you hear that john left his house?
5
The stands of the Cantown Memorial Arena are packed front to back with audience members from every kingdom.
John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer.
Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord!
John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer.
Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord!
6
No one is answering the door to Jake’s mansion, so Jane lets herself in.
John: Move green icon to MAGIC CHEST and click.
The icon is not a visibile or tangible entity!
Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST.
Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.
7
John’s been spending a lot of time with Roxy lately.
7
The boxing bell is going off like it’s having a fit.
John: Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST.
Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.
John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST.
You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest.
8
ROSE: Did you hear that Jane had been intending to run for president?
8
> JOHN: Zap to your final destination.
John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST.
. ------------------------ THANKS FOR PLAYING THE HOMESTUCK BETA!
John: Examine contents of chest.
In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER.
9
JADE: arent you guys happy to get out of the house for once!!!
9
If you were one of the haters and fools who saw Lord English’s masterpiece circulating through the black veins of the dark web, and were rendered agog by its majesty, then you probably have a pretty good sense of what happened next.
John: Captchalogue smoke pellets.
You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX.
10
TEREZI: WH3R3 3V3N 4R3 YOU TEREZI: 4ND WHY H4V3N’T YOU SL1C3D M4K4R4 1N H4LF Y3T JOHN: he smells too bad.
10
Jane Crocker sweeps into her office with grace befitting her station and slams the door shut behind her.
John: Equip fake arms.
You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.
11
Dave grabs the sleeve of John’s tux in his sweaty palm, and the two of them fly to the top of the nearest tower.
11
That’s that, you think.
John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster.
Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that?
12
Jake wakes up to the unfamiliar feeling of a cheek on his chest and a thigh slung over his stomach.
12
DAVE: so we gotta hit jane right in her neoliberal austerity measures were all agreed on that right KARKAT: UH HUH.
John: Read note on drawer.
This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES.
13
Dave and Dirk don’t talk that much about the heavy stuff.
John: Take poster.
Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT.
14
Your name is Dirk Strider, and you know what you must do.
14
Jake yawns and knocks on the window to Jane’s office again.
John: Acquire hammer and nails.
You first place the HAMMER into your SYLLADEX.
15
The rain is coming down in sheets.
15
> John: Fight Lord English.
John: Take nails.
You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card.
16
JOHN: hey terezi, guess where i am right now?
16
ROSE: When I was a child, I wrote a novel.
John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.
This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!!!
17
Three months later, John is still thinking about his last conversation with Terezi.
17
None of my friends have noticed it yet, but you have.
John: Combine the nails and hammer.
You MERGE the top two cards.
18
Jane may have stepped away from her pursuit of public office, but it’s important for any educated businesswoman to stay abreast of the political goings-on of her nation.
John: Use hammer/nails on poster.
You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it.
19
JADE: how cute do you guys think johns baby is going to be JADE: like on a scale of 1-11???
19
Anyway, back to the B Plot.
John: Nail poster to wall.
You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall.
20
KARKAT: WOW, SURE FEELS WEIRD TO JUST BE HANGING OUT WITH ALL THESE ASSHOLES WE WERE TOTALLY GOSSIPING ABOUT JUST TWENTY MINUTES AGO.
20
Jade gasps awake, and begins to spiral.
John: Examine Con Air poster.
PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.
21
It’s raining again, coming down in a frigid torrent.
21
DAVE: holy shit thats disgusting KARKAT: DON’T BE A FUCKING XENOPHOBE DAVE: im not being a xenophobe Karkat doesn’t respond immediately.
John: Examine Deep Impact poster.
Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.
22
TEREZI: H3Y JOHN TEREZI: T1M3 FOR YOUR R3GUL4R CH3CKUP H3H3H3 JOHN: oh. hey.
22
You’ve been drifting so long that you’ve lost the ability to objectively judge time or depth or distance.
John: Examine calendar.
You've marked your birthday, the 13th of April.
23
ROXY: honey u ready to go?
23
KANAYA: Why Are You With Rose KANAYA: What Is Going On DIRK: Why would you think something was going on?
John: Eat cake.
You are sick to death of cake!!!
24
JADE: the timelines are interacting again.
24
The server Meenah fled through is a distant speck now.
John: Examine incoming message.
You pull up to your COMPUTER.
25
KARKAT: SWIFER KARKAT: SWIFER CAN YOU...
25
ROSE: Customarily, we speak in favorable terms about “getting to know each other” as people.
John: Open Pesterchum.
Only one of your CHUMS is logged in.
26
John stares at his phone for a while, thumb pressed to the space just below the “send message” button.
26
Jade kicks her shoeless feet behind her slowly, as if she’s swimming with the current of the gravitational waves pulling her ever closer to their source.
John: Open message.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 -- TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.
27
Ten years have gone by.
27
And then, she opens her eyes.
John: Look out window.
You see the view of your yard from your window.
28
That being said, it’s very rude, all things considered, for Karkat to start a war on Harry Anderson’s birthday.
28
JOHN: uh, how long have you been watching?
John: Examine mailbox.
The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up!
29
The elevator to jane’s office opens, and she stumbles inside. the last traces of trickster mode are bleeding off her aura. the great gift of this sacred boon has run its course for the evening, and though she is not as grateful as she should be, she nevertheless acknowledges the extraordinary benefit it has afforded her with a slight nod to the mirror. she pulls a hand through her hair, watching in the reflection as the last of the pink coloration fades to black.
John: Go outside and check mailbox.
You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway.
30
As Jake traverses the length of Jane’s ship, he suspects he has never carried more dread in his heart than he does in this moment.
30
JAKE: Ah chaps dont you love to take a rigorous jaunt about the wilds first thing in the morning, middle thing in the day, and last thing in the evening?
John: Forget it.
If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time.
31
VRISKA: John, I need to see!
31
Terezi is munching her way through another tin of human fatherly tobacco as john crawls into the back seat. this has been their ritual for several days. precisely how many, they couldn’t say. between her frequent naps and his diligence in keeping a lookout for any additional survivors, they have been losing track of time. john, eyes unfocused, stares at the expanse of nothingness. perhaps he imagines it, but it seems as if the emptiness itself is curving against the staggering weight of the black hole they orbit.
John: Examine games on CD rack.
You've put countless manhours into this assortment of quality titles.
32
(Vriska) grabs Gamzee by the front of his shirt and yanks him down, her hot, furious breath brushing his disgusting face.
32
Roxy is nervously dialing rose’s number repeatedly. then they try kanaya. considering rose’s failing health, roxy hates to bother her, but they aren’t sure who else to call regarding jade’s unexpected trance. their finger hovers over dirks number for a moment, but... no. that would not be a good idea. they don’t know why they suddenly think it’s a bad idea. it just is.
John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT.
You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom.
33
John looks up to see Rose waving at him while hanging out the hatch of a troll cruiser.
33
Speaking of meat, holy shit.
John: Captchalogue fake arms again.
What did you just say??
34
VRISKA: Hey, Harry Anderson, guess where I am!
34
Speaking of giving it everything you got, here comes Jake McGee, about to pop his pistols off in front of a whole crowd of Karkat’s progressively prismatic proletarian partisans.
John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully".
You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way.
35
While John dealt with the sight by immediately turning and walking away, and the Earth Vriska dove into a nearby bush for safety, Vriska is contending with her predicament through willful denial.
35
You zap back to Earth C with the last of your energy.
John: Answer chum.
TG: is it there TG: plz say yes TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.
36
The moment John caught a proper glance of (Vriska) and Gamzee going at it in the bushes, he was done.
36
So it turns out that “home” is an entirely abstract concept.
John: Combine fake arms with cake.
You stick the FAKE ARMS in the CAKE on your bed.
37
Because (Vriska) only spent a few minutes on Prospit before her dream self was whisked away to the Battlefield the moment she ascended to her god tier form, she never exactly got to enjoy Prospit life as much as some of her friends did.
37
We make a quick stop back at Rose’s apartment.
John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus.
You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it.
38
Roxy tugs at a piece of hair behind her ear with one hand as she checks the time on her phone with the other.
38
But before we get completely out of dodge, there’s one more trifling matter I’d better take care of.
John: Select "HAMMER".
Your STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS.
39
On the other side of the continent, somewhere along the border between the Human and Troll Kingdoms, Dave and Jade navigate a densely jungled region.
39
I’m inside Jake’s mansion.
John: Report progress to TG.
EB: ok, i did it.
40
From atop the tallest bell tower in the Carapace Kingdom, the sky looks like something painted by a crazy person.
40
Kanaya Maryam is single and ready to mingle.
John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book.
Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.
41
Elsewhere, beyond the horizon...
41
She’s right, of course.
John: Examine GameBro Magazine.
42
ROXY: so uhhh ROXY: dirk needs to be stopped from ROXY: doin what again?
43
Later that night, jade has been moved from the hospital to the troll kingdom. she now sits in a wheelchair, remaining in perfect silence with her dark eyes open to maintain my transmission. roxy and kanaya rolled her into the living room of dave and karkat’s hive earlier that evening. this is where they all sit now, discussing the day’s troubling events.
John: Captchalogue GameBro.
It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily.
POSTSCRIPT
Elsewhere, below the horizon...
John: Captchalogue magician's hat.
You expend your final card on the MAGICIAN'S HAT.
John: Get funny glasses too.
You don't have a free card in your SYLLADEX!
John: Wear disguise to fool dad.
John?
John: Leave room.
You exit into the HALLWAY.
John: Go downstairs.
The accursed odor of fresh baking wafts into your newfound nostrils.
John: Admire harlequins.
You check out the shelves of FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.
John: Examine fireplace.
A bright orange flame flickers in the FIREPLACE.
John: Toss GameBro into fire.
It doesn't burn as quickly as you hoped.
John: Fondly regard cremation.
You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed NANNA'S ASHES.
John: Topple urn.
You clumsily mishandle the SACRED URN.
John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise.
You think now would be a good time to beef up your CLEVER DISGUISE.
John: Examine oversized gift.
Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time.
John: Open large present.
Oh hell no.
John: Captchalogue ashes.
First you prop the HARLEQUIN DOLL up on the couch.
John: Combine ashes with urn.
You merge the SACRED URN with the ASHES.
John: Put urn back.
No one will be the wiser.
John: Go get fake arms again.
You just got another BRILLIANT idea for something to do with those pointless arms.
John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room.
John: Check Pesterchum.
Another one of your chums is messaging you.
John: Check message.
TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.
John: Go back downstairs.
You can now execute that brilliant idea you had.
John: Attach arms to doll.
Hehehehehehehehe.
John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor.
You put this back in the fire where it belongs.
John: Throw present wrap in fire.
As long as you're cleaning up...
John: Captchalogue doll.
You can carry hefty items, but that thing is just way too big.
John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text.
You thought about consulting the text to determine exactly how hilarious the doll is now.
John: Find dad and retrieve mail.
The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the smell of baking wafts -- a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet.
John: Go in the study.
It doesn't look like he's in here right now.
John: Examine father's desk.
On the desk is a DECK OF PLAYING CARDS, one of your DAD'S PIPES, the April issue of THE SERIOUS JESTER magazine, and a stray CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.
John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack.
You swap the MAGICIAN'S HAT with the BOWLER HAT.
John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise.
Your DAD maintains numerous pipes around the household.
John: Examine captchalogue card.
Yes!!!
John: Captchalogue captchalogue card.
ARGH!!!
[S] John: Play haunting piano refrain.
(Pages including sound will be preceded by [S] in the command.)
John: Play 52 Pick-Up.
You play the prankster's favorite card game, even though you are alone in the room, thus rendering it an especially foolish version of Solitaire.
John: Attempt to leave the house.
You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking the mailbox outside.
John: Exit.
You exit the house.
John: Check mail.
Predictably, the mailbox is empty.
[S] ==>
The streets are empty.
John: Leave a surprise for the mailman.
N...
John: See if your father left the mail in the car.
The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS.
John: Spy in the kitchen.
You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can't see a whole lot!
John: Go back into the kitchen.
You have no other choice.
==>
Your DAD sees right through your costume!
John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room!
You cannot ABSCOND!
John: Equip disguise for defense.
The BEAGLE AEGIS absorbs the brunt of the treat.
John: Captachalogue pie tin.
You take PIE TIN and unequip the BEAGLE PUSS.
John: Take the cake!
"When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield."
==>
Sassacre you beautiful bastard.
John: Abscond.
Now that DAD is busy placating the SMOKE DETECTOR, you can safely sneak away.
John: Take PDA.
You snag your DAD'S PDA.
John: Take package.
This RED PACKAGE is addressed to you.
John: Take envelope.
You got the SBURB BETA!!!
John: Get cake on couch.
You captchalogue the CAKE on the couch, expelling the PIE TIN from the bottom card.
John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake.
You then merge the two CAKES across all five cards.
John: Retreat upstairs!
You pause at the juncture and head down the hall.
John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel.
You enter the BATHROOM.
John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake.
You take the RAZOR and use it to perform surgery on the CAKE.
John: Retrieve your items.
The items force the MANHANDLED CAKE into the TOILET.
John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster.
You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.
[S] John: Check Pesterchum.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 -- GG: hi happy birthday john!!!!!
John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com
You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.
==>
The new adventure is ok, but you're not sure if you like it as much as the last one.
John: Install the Sburb beta.
You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.
==>
What the fuck is this.
John: Bone up on data structures.
You go to your CLOSET, where you keep a lot of clothes and an array of handy COMPUTER PROGRAMMING GUIDES.
John: Read Data Structures book.
You're not sure you really want to dig into this huge tome.
John: Get free Fetch Modus.
You turn to the back inside cover, where a free FETCH MODUS is included in a plastic sleeve.
John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex.
Items captchalogued in your SYLLADEX are no longer immediately accessible.
John: Switch back to Stack Modus.
You suddenly wonder if this is even possible.
John: Put down razor.
Put it...
John: Pick up two items.
You captchalogue one of the CAKES.
John: Get other cake.
The second CAKE causes the RAZOR to launch out the front of your SYLLADEX.
John: Get more stuff.
You open your MAGIC CHEST and captchalogue one of your favorite books of all time, WISE GUY BY MIKE CAVENEY.
John: Might as well grab those cuffs.
You take the TRICK HANDCUFFS, expelling the PDA like a bullet.
John: Open up that package!
You examine the package.
John: Pick up package again.
Let's take this from the top.
John: Captchalogue glass shards.
You take three GLASS SHARDS in quick succession and duck for cover.
==>
You should probably go get that stuff before you forget.
John: Use the razor on the red package.
You open the package.
==>
It is a STUFFED BUNNY.
John: Check status of Sburb beta.
It looks like your computer is trying to get your attention.
John: Check Pesterchum window.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 -- TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta.
==>
[Mouseover the interface buttons.
TT: Drop chest.
EB: whoa, what are you doing??
John: Get the card.
You find your missing STACK FETCH MODUS, and quickly reapply it to your SYLLADEX.
==>
It looks like your DAD is leaving again for more baking supplies.
TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room.
EB: hey, do you think you could do me a favor?
TT: Select John.
You cannot select a PLAYER!
TT: Put the bunny back in the box.
TT: Open Phernalia Registry.
John: Examine Totem Lathe.
You don't know what the heck this thing does, but it looks neat!
TT: Open Grist Cache
TT: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist".
==>
TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner?
TT: Deploy Alchemiter.
EB: why is the floor shaking?
John: Get PDA.
You grab the PDA, switching back to STACK MODUS so it is readily accessible.
John: Install Pesterchum.
This should be useful.
John: Go out to balcony.
EB: hey, i'm out on the balcony now.
John: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner.
You have no idea what to do with this thing.
John: Look through telescope.
It is a clear, sunny day.
TT: Grab the soiled toilet.
TT: Whoops.
==>
EB: what was that noise?
John: Investigate.
EB: augh!
John: Hop down the hole.
You jump down to the UTILITY ROOM.
John: Get sledgehammer and card.
You take the SLEDGEHAMMER and the CAPTCHALOGUE CARD, combine the two, and quickly apply it to your STRIFE SPECIBUS.
==>
It looks like another one of your chums is pestering you on your PDA.
John: Answer chum.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:25 -- GG: john did you get my package??
John: Might as well check out the Cruxtruder.
EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?
John: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder.
When you turn the wheel, something seems to be pushing up from underneath the lid.
TT: Put bathtub in driveway.
On the tub's journey to the driveway, the connection is interrupted.
John: Scold TT.
EB: you can see me, right.
John: Hit Cruxtruder with sledgehammer.
TT: Need some help?
TT: Pick up sledgehammer.
==>
EB: what is this thing?
John: Turn wheel again.
You extrude ONE (1) CRUXITE DOWEL.
John: Get cruxite.
TT: I feel like we should be hurrying.
TT: Deploy Pre-punched Card.
John: Get card.
A SHARD OF GLASS is expelled from the deck and maims the HARLEQUIN DOLL.
John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins.
You take TWO (2) FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.
==>
EB: this thing keeps following me around.
TT: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite.
[S] ==>
The KERNELSPRITE has been prototyped with the HARLEQUIN DOLL.
==>
EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.
John: Use pre-punched card with the alchemiter.
There is no slot for a card anywhere to be found on the ALCHEMITER!
TT: Explore Atheneum.
Acquiring a CRUXITE DOWEL seems to have populated the ATHENEUM with one item: a PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECT.
John: Captchalogue telescope.
You snatch the TELESCOPE from its TRIPOD.
John: Put cruxite on weird pattern on alchemiter.
You place the CRUXITE DOWEL on the ALCHEMITER'S small pedestal.
==>
You set the ALCHEMITER to cast THREE (3) PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of BUILD GRIST.
John: Switch modus and use telescope to inspect sky.
You switch back to STACK MODUS and get a closer look with your TELESCOPE.
==>
You're no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective.
John: High-five Kernelsprite.
You figure you've left him hanging long enough.
John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist.
It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers.
==>
TT: Your dad is getting home.
John: Run to your room and contact TT through Pesterchum.
Two chums have been trying to message you.
John: Answer chums.
TT: I'm working on the bathroom.
John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe.
You slip the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into a slot on the TOTEM LATHE.
John: Take cruxite to totem lathe.
Cursing your lack of foresight, you return to the BALCONY for the CRUXITE DOWEL you left on the pedestal.
==>
You retrieved the CRUXITE DOWEL.
John: Use cruxite dowel on totem lathe.
You clamp the CRUXITE in the lathe.
John: Activate lathe.
The lathe carves ONE (1) TOTEM.
==>
EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.
==>
A young lady stands in her bedroom.
Enter name.
No, that wasn't it!
Examine room.
Your name is ROSE.
Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box.
The PURPLE PACKAGE'S contents are private!
Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed.
Ugh, what a terrible idea!
Rose: Stroke writing journal and mutter, 'My precious...'
You would only resort to such an embarrassing activity while no one was watching!!!
Rose: Get violin.
You captchalogue the VIOLIN, storing it the ROOT CARD of your SYLLADEX.
[S] Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin.
You waste approximately 40 seconds playing the violin while your friend is in peril.
John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact.
Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv.
Rose: Captchalogue knitting supply bag.
You get the KNITTING BAG.
Rose: Look out window.
Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, JASPERS, who died when you were young.
Rose: Get laptop.
You take your LAPTOP and prepare to make the journey through the house.
Rose: Examine book on desk.
This book is absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of your ilk.
Rose: Take book.
You take the GRIMOIRE.
Rose: Go explore the house.
You leave your BEDROOM.
Rose: Tiptoe to observatory.
You approach a juncture in the hallway.
==>
This door leads up to the OBSERVATORY.
Rose: Go through door.
The door opens to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance.
Rose: Hurry up to that observatory.
Rose: Try to connect!
You first put your LAPTOP down on the floor to get it situated.
Rose: See what you can observe.
You're in a hurry, sure, but that doesn't mean you can't take moment to peek through the HUGE TELESCOPE.
Rose: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation.
You'll need every advantage you can get.
Rose: Access laboratory wifi network.
There are several signals being broadcasted from the LABORATORY, each of relatively decent strength.
Rose: Remove door from hinges.
There goes the rest of your BUILD GRIST.
Rose: Put bathtub back.
You probably should have just done this in the first place.
John: Take totem to alchemiter.
Got to get those stupid blocks out of the way first!
Rose: Remove blocks.
You store the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS in your PHERNALIA REGISTRY, potentially to be deployed at a later time.
[S] John: Take bite of apple.
Years in the future, but not many...
A WAYWARD VAGABOND records a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust.
BOY.
What is left of the SPRITE undergoes a mysterious transformation.
BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND.
For the last time, this boy's name is John!!!
FINE.
You go back up to your bedroom, tiptoeing around this weird petroleum-based sludge.
FIRST, TAKE THE FABRIC ITEM ON THE FLOOR THERE.
The TOWEL?
DO AS THE PURPLE TEXT SAYS.
John makes his way to the balcony per your awkwardly-worded request.
WAIT.
You whimsically decide to captchalogue the TOTEM which was used to create the APPLE TREE earlier.
JOHN.
John cannot do anything with the GRIST as of this moment!
I SEE.
Yes, that will suffice.
==>
Rose expends the GRIST to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA.
JOHN RUN ACROSS PRECARIOUS PLATFORM SWIFTLY.
John isn't sure about that.
BOY I SAID MAKE HASTE ON THE NARROW CATWALK!
John is very nervous about the idea, and the strident tone of your commands is starting to make him a little upset!
FINE.
You cautiously walk within range of the PDA.
NOW TAKE IT.
You grab the PDA, launching one of the HARLEQUIN FIGURINES into the night.
==>==>
Just one ==> command will suffice.
THESE BORING MEN ARE UNINTERESTING.
TT: John, are you ok?
==>==>==>==>==>
Now you're just being a pest.
Years in the future, but not many...
An unsealed tunnel welcomes hot desert air into its stagnant depths.
==>
In the distance, meteorites fall with greater frequency.
Rose: Check status of battery.
Your LAPTOP BATTERY is alright for now, but it won't be for long.
Rose: Prototype sprite with Betty Crocker box.
EB: what?
==>
The SPRITE is playing hard to get!
DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD.
Pipe down, you.
Rose: Prototype sprite with Sassacre text.
EB: OH YES, SWEET!!
JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER.
The SPRITE finds the DISTRACTING MANNER in which you FLAIL ABOUT to be rather DISTRACTING.
==>
The pesky SPRITE eludes you again!
==>
In the other room, NANNA'S ASHES dump onto the SPRITE, which is caught unawares by the dousing.
INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT.
You find the SACRED URN toppled again.
Rose: Remove cruxtruder from doorway.
EB: aw man, where'd it go?
DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS SAY.
You are about to head upstairs, but you thought you heard something behind you.
IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS.
You're not sure you even saw a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics.
INDULGE THE DEVICE.
TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!
ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT.
You head out to the balcony to find out what Rose has in mind.
THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE RED TEXT.
TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.
RIDICULOUS FOLLY.
You're inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happen.
WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS?
GG: im back!
THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE.
TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption" TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned EB: aaaaaarrrgh!
==>
Your LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER.
Rose: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain.
That would be such a waste of time!
Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus.
That would be incredibly ill-advised!
Rose: Recaptchalogue your items!
You grab the KNITTING BAG and the GRIMOIRE, in that order.
Rose: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus.
You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon.
==>
You lose the ROOT CARD in the process, severing the tree.
Rose: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves.
That would also be a preposterous waste of time!!!
Rose: Consult the grimoire.
FLUTHLU, FOUL PATRICIAN OF MISERY.
==>
And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD.
==>
And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE.
==>
And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures.
Rose: Take items and proceed downstairs.
You re-captchalogue everything the way you want it to appear in the tree, and head downstairs.
[S] ==>
You wonder if this rain will ever let up.
Rose: Confront mother in hall.
Surely your mother is lurking nearby.
What??
There's this really cool dude, ok?
Enter name.
This guy doesn't have time for this sort of bullshit.
Examine room.
Your name is DAVE.
Dave: Quickly retrieve arms from cinderblocks.
Nah.
Dave: Get the damn beta and save your friend's life!
This notion strikes you as nonsensical.
Dave: Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable.
You would never consider allowing any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch your beloved TURNTABLES.
==>
You will however contemplate bleating like a goat for IRONICALLY HUMOROUS purposes at a later date.
Dave: Examine closet.
This is your closet.
Dave: Check the blue box.
This is the package that your friend John Egbert sent you for your 13th birthday a little while ago.
Dave: Take box.
You captchalogue the BOX through your HASH MAP FETCH MODUS.
Dave: Examine jar of unknown yellow substance in the closet.
Oh hell yes.
Dave: Take juice.
You captchalogue the JUICE into card 7. 2+1+1+2+1 %10 = 7.
Dave: Access Pesterchum and pester John.
In addition to letting your buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, you figure you'll wish him a happy birthday while you're at it.
==>
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:13 -- TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.
Dave: Go online and view sites indicative of your interests.
You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE.
==>
In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog.
Dave: Check the latest page of the Midnight Crew.
You figure as long as you're chilling at your computer you might as well see how that new MSPA story is going.
Midnight Crew.
"You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew.
Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes.
"Spades Slick uses OCCAM'S RAZOR to carve a circular hole into the HEIST PLANS, freeing it from the knife.
SS: Climb ladder and exit hideout.
"You push against the MANHOLE COVER, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your GETAWAY VAN on top of it.
Dave: Skip ahead a hundred pages or so.
You don't remember where you last left off, so you jump way ahead.
Dave: Save your place, read it later.
Even though the adventure began recently, it's already over 3000 pages long.
Dave: Answer chum.
TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.
JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Meanwhile in the present, in a place where the present may be a concept of dubious merit, John is spacing out.
==> ??
A thick, unpleasant fluid pools from beneath the door.
TROUBLING.
There is a trail of this fluid in the hall leading to your room.
Dave: Play some hauntingly sick beats.
You've had enough of the computer for a while.
[S] ==>
Left knob: volume for current sample.
Dave: Take sip of the apple juice, despite what John said.
Those beats were so fresh they belong in the produce aisle, is what you're talkin' about.
==>
You re-captchalogue the JUICE.
Dave: Allocate sword to strife specibus.
Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is already allocated with the BLADEKIND ABSTRATUS!
Dave: Captchalogue sword.
The NINJA SWORD (2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2 = 17 % 10 = 7) occupies the same card as the JUICE (2+1+1+2+1 = 7 % 10 = 7), expelling the JUICE from your SYLLADEX.
Dave: Get a towel or something!
You head out to get a TOWEL from the bathroom across the hall.
==>
You enter the bathroom.
Dave: Captchalogue damp towel.
You take the DAMP TOWEL (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+1+2 = 15 % 10 = 5), expelling the BOX (2+1+2 = 5 % 10 = 5).
Dave: Search the bathroom for something slightly less damp.
Nah, you just decide to wring this towel out into the toilet to make it less damp.
Dave: Take towel.
You take the TOWEL, and grab the BOX again while you're at it.
Dave: Clean up the juice.
You CLEAN (2+2+1+1+2 = 8) up the juice with the TOWEL and hang the damp BETA ENVELOPES on your line to dry off.
==>
In the breeze of the FAN, the betas jostle near the OPEN WINDOW.
Dave: Turn off the fan.
The crisis is easily averted.
==>
You should probably go pester Egbert again.
==>
Suddenly a RAMBUNCTIOUS CROW flies in the open window and snatches the beta, possibly to make a nest with, or maybe just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.
==>
You accidentally launch your NINJA SWORD.
==>
No one can ever know about this.
Dave: Look out window.
Yeah, you can kiss all that stuff goodbye.
==>
You prepare to descend the stairs to your living room.
==>
You find this grisly abomination utterly detestable.
Rose: Psychoanalyze mother's love of wizards.
There is nothing to psychoanalyze.
Rose: Go downstairs to the kitchen back door.
You descend to the living room area of your home's expansive open layout.
Rose: View Mother's solid copper vacuum statue.
Ok, but it's bronze, not copper!
Rose: Grab the Eldritch Princess.
It's too big to captchalogue!
Rose: Acquire umbrella for protection from elements.
U > L.
Rose: Peek inside kitchen.
The LIQUOR BOTTLES are out in full force.
Rose: Investigate richly colored object in middle of screen.
That would be your REFRIGERATOR, whose surfaces have customarily served as the battlefield for a chilly siege of PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE one-upmanship.
==>
Using the colorful MAGNET LETTERS, you recently left a succinct message, which may or may not have been directed toward anyone in particular.
==>
Your mother then purchased a fresh pack of W's and left them there for your convenience.
==>
But part of it was touching the floor, so your mother was kind enough to lift the lower portion of the document with a VELVET PILLOW.
Rose: Attach a W to face as a fake moustache.
This is incredibly silly, and you're not sure how it fits into your campaign against your mother, OR getting your computer back online to escape your doom!
Rose: Captchalogue W.
W > L.
==>
But that unsightly void in the W pack won't do, nor will the gash in the plastic.
Rose: Think of ways to one-up mother.
You now wonder how to address the pillow situation.
Rose: Captchalogue velvet pillow.
You decide to take the VELVET PILLOW and lovingly embroider a poem in praise of MOTHERHOOD on it.
==>
And just like that, the UMBRELLA becomes accessible in the ROOT CARD.
Rose: Head out the back door.
Ok, enough's enough.
==>
You don't know how she does that.
Rose: Hop over counter, landing in a roll.
This bird's gotta fly!
==>
Lousy goddamn stupid wizards.
Meanwhile, in the past again.
You're almost done patching up the hole in your window with the GAFFER TAPE.
Dave: Answer chum.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:36 -- GG: hi dave!!
Dave: Get phone.
It will be handy to have your PHONE (2+2+1+2+1 = 8%10 = 8) on standby so you won't always have to go back to your computer whenever someone pesters you.
JOHN, PURSUE ADVERSARY INTO THAT ROOM.
And even meanerwhile, in the present.
THIS CHUM WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
TG: alright TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game EB: oh, good!
[S] Rose: Youth roll right out the front door.
==>
It looks like MOM has satisfied her [S] STRIFE!
Rose: First, be the pony.
You can't be this stupid pony, and frankly you can't imagine why anyone would want to!
JOHN TURN AROUND!!!!!
You're TRYING to read, ok?
==>!!!
Fine, you'll interrupt your reading and turn around, but you don't see what could possibly be so oh my god it's a monster.
Rose: Exit.
You leave through the back door.
==>
You regather your items and begin the soggy trek mausoleum-ward.
[S] GET UP JOHN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR SLUMBER.
Rose: Forget the W and make haste to the mausoleum.
Retrieving the W never even crossed your mind.
[S] JOHN, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON AND FIGHT ON!
THE BOX!!!!!!
Now why couldn't he put the bunny back in the box?
NOW EXULT.
The amazing victory allows you to scale the first two ACHIEVEMENT RUNGS on your ECHELADDER.
==>
By expanding your CACHE LIMIT, you've made room for all that nice grist you just collected.
WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD.
It seems the SHALE IMP had allocated the BUNNY to its STRIFE SPECIBUS.
OK.
You group the two SPECIBI in your STRIFE PORTFOLIO.
GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER.
Oddly enough, it seems breaking the SLEDGEHAMMER altered the ABSTRATUS from HAMMERKIND to HANDLEKIND, even going as far as expelling the head of your smaller HAMMER from your deck to force compliance.
NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER.
You merge the SLEDGEHAMMER HEAD with its HANDLE, and return it to your STRIFE DECK, repairing the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS in the process.
FINE.
Dave is pestering you.
Rose: Hurry and activate the generator!
You fire up the GENERATOR and drag a cord into the MAUSOLEUM.
Rose: Defile tomb.
Sorry, Jaspers.
Rose: Plug in your laptop.
You plug in your LAPTOP and connect to the internet signal again.
THE DOOR, JOHN.
You're right.
INCREDIBLY ALARMING.
HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!
[S] WHAT THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS
Rose: Pester John.
TG: oh there you are TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what TT: No.
INTERROGATE THIS MADWOMAN.
JOHN: um... nanna?
==>
NANNASPRITE: Your father was kidnapped!
[S] GO ON.
NANNASPRITE: Above The Medium, beyond The Seven Gates, residing at the core of The Incipisphere is a place known as Skaia.
==>
NANNASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate.
A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN.
JOHN: wow, really?
==>!
JOHN: ok, i think i get it now!
==>?
NANNASPRITE: Your planet is done for, dear!
YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT THAT.
NANNASPRITE: John, you are such a good boy!
THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES.
Oh God dammit, that's just what you need.
JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES.
You totally abjure the hell out of that idea.
Rose: Hit John in the head with box to get his attention.
You give John a swift drubbing in the noggin, but he is undeterred!
==>
Perhaps you will take this spare moment to contemplate the Nannasprite's strange tale.
==>
Oh is that so, Jaspers?
JOHN.
You refuse outright!
THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE.
Well when you put it so politely, how can John decline??
JOHN YOU ARE STUPID.
You really need to work on your manners.
STUPID STUPID DUMB
That's not a command.
FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy
It's just not going to happen buddy!
Years in the future...
But really not enough to write home about.
==>
She's not finished with this yet!
Months in the past, but not many...
==>
GG: hi happy birthday rose!!!
Dave: Get katana.
You captchalogue your KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9%10 = 9) and prepare to venture out into the apartment to retrieve your BRO's copy of the game.
[S] Dave: Retrieve dead bird.
Dude, that bird is long gone.
Dave: Exit your room, and go into the living room.
Sorry little dude, coming through.
Dave: Hastily enter the room with wild abandon.
You barge in and see a familiar face.
==>
You stand in the living room.
Dave: Pity da fool.
It's your brother's MR.
Dave: Find Lil' Cal and give fistbumps.
CAL's nowhere in sight.
Dave: Play a game on the Xbox.
It looks like your BRO was playing.
==>
Oh there you are dude.
Dave: Resist great urge to play Bro's Xbox.
You fail to resist the urge.
Dave: Give Lil' Cal a bro fistbump.
Aw man you almost forgot.
Dave: Check out your BRO's sweet gear.
Your BRO has so much sweet gear it's hard to keep up with it all sometimes.
Dave: Look at your brother's computer.
Your BRO's computer is password protected of course to protect all the incredible top secret shit he's got on the burners.
==>
You enter the password.
Dave: Open Complete Bullshit.
This is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
Dave: Check if Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff has a sweet update.
Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his.
Dave: Mouse over the orange stripe containing PlushRump.
Another one of your BRO's many ironic websites.
Dave: Stop wasting time and look for Bro's beta.
You guess you've messed around on his computer long enough.
Dave: Give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump.
==>
You are sort of starting to flip the fuck out.
Dave: Pester John to ease your nerves.
You get Egbert on the line again to give him the lowdown on your progress.
==>
TG: hey what is up TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it TG: where are you man TG: anyway TG: things are cool here TG: totally cool TG: puppets are still awesome TG: no problems with them or anything TG: like TG: just TG: really really awesome
==>
Looks like Rose is finally logged in again.
Dave: Pester Rose.
TG: oh there you are TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what TT: No.
Seconds in the future, but not many...
TT: John, what are you doing?
Rose: Deploy the Punch Designix.
TT: John, whenever you read this, you should know I put the shale you collected to use and finally deployed the Punch Designix.
==>
TT: Also, I should probably warn you that your house and yard are completely infested with monsters now.
John: Rebuild the claw hammer and return it to specibus.
You are getting way better at this sort of thing.
John: Confront Pogo Ride to prepare yourself for Nanna.
Thank God your sanity has returned so you can entertain extremely rational, coherent thoughts like this one.
[S] ==>
Those sons of bitches.
Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.
Rose: Use pogo ride to fling grist through window.
Doesn't look like that GRIST is going anywhere.
Rose: Drop pogo ride in John's bathroom.
John: Get grist.
TT: There you go.
Piano: Level up for slaying the imp.
The piano in its valiant effort has unfortunately been slain.
Rose: It's time to build.
TT: Nanna said to build, so that's what I'm doing.
==>
TT: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.
Rose: Use build grist to construct observation tower on roof
Ok, you obviously don't have enough grist yet for something that ambitious.
John: Check cabinets for imps or useful items.
No imps in here.
John: Bring 2 cans of shaving cream.
You captchalogue two cans of SHAVING CREAM just in case.
John: Ride pogo ride.
It's a little cramped in here for any sort of proper reckless pogoing.
==>
The TOWEL floats back down to the rack.
Rose: Check up on Nannaquin, see what's cookin'!
John: Make your way to the study.
==>
It looks like the imps have taken a shining to the CRUXTRUDER.
John: Ride Slimer pogo and one-up that imp.
Well ok, it's not a Slimer pogo, but you mount it anyway and brandish your deadly armaments.
John: Ride your steed to victory.
==>
This is incredibly dangerous!
John: Flip the fuck out.
Let's see how they like the old doublebarrel latherblaster WHOOPS OH SHIT.
mister john, respectfully ask that you please stand up.
DON'T MOVE OR THE POGO GETS IT
now sir boy, flee from this boorish rabble post haste.
Refrigerator: Level up for slaying the imp.
The REFRIGERATOR skyrockets up the ECHELADDER to a new rung: FIVESTAR GENERAL ELECTRIC and earns 285 BOONDOLLARS.
well done, john. polite congratulations.
For some reason you feel a sense of positive reinforcement.
now my civil fellow, i have a well mannered query to ask
TT: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix.
Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.
john might i bother you for a can opener?
Oblivious to the commotion behind you, suddenly you find yourself pondering the whereabouts of a CAN OPENER.
==>
John is completely unresponsive.
Years in the future...
But let's not get totally carried away here.
==>
http://tinyurl.com/0413sprite http://tinyurl.com/0413power http://tinyurl.com/0413internet http://tinyurl.com/0413build http://tinyurl.com/0413prototype http://tinyurl.com/0413disconnect http://tinyurl.com/0413nanna http://tinyurl.com/0413weirdo http://tinyurl.com/0413designix http://tinyurl.com/0413grist http://tinyurl.com/0413up http://tinyurl.com/0413steed http://tinyurl.com/0413barbasolbandit http://tinyurl.com/0413really http://tinyurl.com/0413hmm
Rose: Construct loft above John's room.
==>
TT: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.
fellow john, it appears we have reached an impasse
Yes, it seems so.
the opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately
It is unfortunate.
but it has been a pleasure nonetheless.
Thanks for the courtesy.
thank you so very very much, dear favorable small primate
i shall take my leave now john. until next time
Wait, where did all this sweet loot come from?
John: Gather grist, examine designix.
Feeling especially economical with your behavior suddenly, you scoop up all the grist in the room, and turn your attention to the PUNCH DESIGNIX all in one fell swoop.
Rose: Answer Dave.
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass TT: What is the specific problem?
John: Observe back of the first visible captchalogue card.
You flip over the top card containing your POGO RIDE.
John: Examine reverse side of hammer card in strife specibus
Looks like cards from your STRIFE DECK have codes too.
John: Enter captcha code as seen on back of pogo ride card.
You enter the code "DQMmJLeK" into the KEYBOARD.
John: Type in nZ7Un6BI
In the interest of due diligence, you enter the other code and repeat the process with that card too.
John: Attempt to retrieve pogo from card.
Oh, well that should just be a simple matter of...
John: Mash keys heedlessly.
Not quite through with your cowboy empiricism just yet, you mash at the KEYBOARD to generate a random code.
==>
You figure you might as well burn the SHAVING CREAM since the product is not exactly at a premium in your household.
==>
You punch the card with a pattern that is in no way related to the code for the item it contains.
==>
Unfortunately, you just burned another card in the process.
John: Answer your chums.
TG: PUPPETS TG: AWESOME TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER -- turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS -- TT: John, I'm about to throw a bath tub through your wall.
==>
EB: wow, that was so totally unnecessary!
==>
EB: so why didn't you just build a way up through that hole into my dad's room?
Rose: Move punched cards to John's room.
Rose: Drag some cruxite dowels up to John's room.
John: Collect grist, examine safe.
You swoop up the bountiful supply of grist generated by your co-player's recent exploits.
John: Examine family tome of humour.
It's another copy of COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY.
John: Examine contents of safe.
You take a look at the other book.
==>
It seems he has been collecting scraps from the news over the years.
John: Look at the piece of paper taped to the wall.
John: Turn the card over.
You guess this is the combination to the safe.
John: Examine back of captchalogue card on floor.
You guess these are all zeros?
John: Captchalogue the card.
John: Enter code on back of card into designix.
John: Punch card.
TT: Wait, John, before you punch that.
John: Throw hat down in disgust.
John: Captchalogue punched captchalogued captchalogue card.
What?
John: Take PDA.
The two card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.
Colonel Sassacre: Level up for slaying the imp.
The Colonel soars to new heights on his ECHELADDER, reaching the rung: ONE MAN JULEP VACUUM, and pockets 9550 BOONDOLLARS.
Bathtub: Level up for slaying the imp.
The BATHTUB surges heroically and surpasses the rung: ARCHIMEDES' AQUACRADLE, proceeding directly to vaunted rung: TAFT-JAMMER.
Safe: Level up for slaying the imp.
The SAFE was slain in battle.
John: Make your way up those stairs, posthaste.
You're not sure.
==>
Lousy goddamn stupid stairs!
Dave: Ignore Lil Cal and find the beta.
You wander over to the place where your BRO keeps his sweet turntable gear.
Dave: Take expensive ninja sword.
What sword?
Dave: Exit your bro's room.
You approach the exit.
==>
Ok, some of this stuff you KNOW he's just leaving around to get under your skin.
Dave: Go into the kitchen.
No sign of BRO in here either.
Dave: Transfer katana to strife specibus.
With an escalating sense of threat, you think it's time you SHIFT (9) your KATANA (9) to your specibus.
Dave: Set Blender to "Mix".
You guess BRO stuck some FAKE BLOOD CAPSULES in that puppet?
==>
You spot one of your BRO'S many WEBCAMS nearby, recording the incident.
Dave: Captchalogue Buster Sword from behind microwave.
This might be the only thing in the whole apartment that's a bigger piece of shit than your own sword.
Dave: Set blender to "Crush Ice".
It's just sort of bouncing around in there.
Dave: Hide evidence in microwave.
See, like, his hobbies are cool and all, and you guess he's got to put his shit SOMEWHERE.
Dave: Grab those fireworks.
You captchalogue all the FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15%10 = 5) the sink has to offer.
Dave: Captchalogue Shurikens.
You grab the SHURIKENS (5) and...
==>
You put the BOX OF FIREWORKS (3) back into card 5 and prepare to start ov...
Dave: Take nunchaku.
You take the NUNCHAKU (3), once again grabbing without thinking ahead.
==>
First you captchalogue the BOX (5) again, while adeptly avoiding the SHURIKEN trap, which you yourself set only moments ago.
==>
You again round up all the FIREWORKS.
Dave: Captchalogue each shuriken individually.
You grab each SHURIKEN (3) one at a time, knocking out those NUNCHAKU.
Dave: Captchalogue nunchucks.
You take the NUNCHUCKS (6).
Dave: Examine fetch modus.
You flip over your FETCH MODUS and check out the back.
Dave: Press EJECT button.
Oh hell no.
Dave: Change to Scrabble Points Hash Modus.
First you program your modus with a SCRABBLE POINTS HASH FUNCTION, adding it to the list.
Dave: Check the box "detect collisions".
Ok.
Dave: Take the skateboard.
And just what is this guy so happy about?
==>
You take the SKATEBOARD (6).
Dave: Captchalogue the unplugged powercord.
You take the POWER CORD (5)... wait, no.
Dave: Think of a new word for powercord.
You take the BATTERY PACK (8).
Dave: Search for some MAD SNACKS YO.
Oh, it was just Lil' Cal again.
Dave: Open refrigerator.
Oh god more shitty swords.
Dave: Take swords.
The hell with it.
Dave: Use ice maker, it's still hot around here.
You dispense several CHERRY BOMBS.
==>
Where'd the little dude scamper off to this time?
Dave: Captchalogue CHERRY BOMBS.
You go for the CHERRY BOMBS (9) unsuccessfully.
Dave: Take blender.
BLENDER (2) is a pretty simple word, and you can already tell that's not going to work.
Dave: Activate garbage disposal.
Dave: Stuff down mr. purple guy into the garbage disposal.
You're still not sure what he's so happy about, or what he's looking at up there.
==>
While you're at it, you dump the contents of the BLENDER, oops I mean WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER, into the disposal.
Dave: Look up.
It's the hatch to the crawlspace above your apartment.
Dave: Use the turntables and cinderblocks to make a fort.
It's a pretty sweet fort you just made and you're pretty sure your brother would agree.
Dave: Yank cord.
It is time to face your destiny.
==>
Yeah, there was pretty much no way there wasn't going to be a bunch of puppets in there.
==>
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass TT: What is the specific problem?
Dave: Read the note on the hatch.
Dave: Burst out of the puppet pile like "the one".
Dave: Be the other guy.
You are now the other guy.
John: Take dowels and sheets from bed and make a tent.
This is so much fun.
John: Carve a totem of the punched pogo card.
You put the punched card containing the POGO RIDE in the slot, and carve a TOTEM from one of the CRUXITE DOWELS.
John: Repeat process with other cards and dowels.
You use the card containing the code for the HAMMER, as well as the one with the random code you punched over the SHAVING CREAM card for the hell of it.
John: Do same thing with captchalogued captchalogue card.
You make a TOTEM for a CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.
Rose: Collect totems.
You stow the totems in your ATHENEUM.
Rose: Produce captchalogue card.
The ALCHEMITER requires one unit of any type of grist to produce one card.
==>
EB: whoa, did you just make all these??
==>
You create a HAMMER at the expense of 2 units of BUILD GRIST.
==>
You make a POGO RIDE too.
==>
You use the TOTEM carved with the random code.
==>
You figure you might as well put this piece of junk to use.
John: Collect cards.
Using a little strategy, first you grab HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY, then the cards, then your ejected PDA, then the book again to flush the cards into your deck.
John: Turn on "detect collisions".
You flip your FETCH MODI but find no such option.
John: Read book.
You never really understood what Caveney's relation to Anderson was, or why he wrote this book about him.
==>
Oh yeah, that's right.
==>
You overlap two of the punched cards.
John: Put both cards in totem lathe.
You carve another TOTEM using the new combined hole pattern.
John: Take it to the alchemiter.
Oh man, looks like Rose made like a million hammers for some reason.
==>
You got the POGO HAMMER.
John: Practice with new weapon.
TT: What did you do?
John: Attack the nearest imp to test pogo hammer's strength.
You get a vicious rhythmic bouncing combo going and easily slay the imp in one blow.
Rose: Pester John.
EB: hey, that was a pretty, uh...
Rose: Check Alchemy Excursus.
Looks like a sort of index documenting all the known results for punch card alchemy combinations.
Rose: Captchalogue Sburb Server CD.
You eject the disk and captchalogue the SERVER CD.
Rose: Message John the Captcha code.
Oh God damn it.
John: Quickly grab the pogo hammer.
You stick the POGO HAMMER back in your STRIFE SPECIBUS and get ready to kill some more of these pesky little...
==>
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at ??
John: Be the imp.
You be the imp and quickly abscond the fuck outta there!!!
John: Prepare for a boss battle.
You stop being the imp because that was stupid, and scurry over to your MAGIC CHEST that you suddenly remembered was on the roof.
==>
You are being ambushed!
John: Ascend to the highest point of the house.
You go up here.
John: Look down.
You peek over the edge.
==>
It already seems like a long way down to your yard.
John: Turn around...
You are confronted with a pair of enormous foes.
Dave: Stop being the other guy.
You stop being the other guy.
[S] Dave: Ascend to the highest point of the building.
==>
You are now the Wayward Vagabond.
WV: Retri...
Got em already.
WV: Examine rotten pumpkin.
What pumpkin?
WV: Check the little red bar.
It appears to be a gauge for a large POWER CELL, perhaps fueled by some type of nuclear reaction.
WV: Captchalogue can of gravy.
Captchalogue?
WV: Pick up the can of gravy.
You just pick it up.
WV: Use sharp teeth to poke a hole in the lid of the can.
Your teeth are useless for the task!
WV: Attempt to open can with your weak pathetic digits.
Your WEAK PATHETIC DIGITS are not strong enough to penetrate the can!!!
WV: Take the can labeled BEANS.
Ok, you take that too.
WV: Examine can of custard.
The can clearly reads "MUSTARD", a fact of which you were perfectly well aware.
WV: Examine marking on wrist.
You drop all the cans and take a look at your wrist.
==>
It is a sort of specialized BAR CODE PATTERN.
WV: Examine the small potted plant.
What plant?
WV: Check book on Human Etiquette.
It appears half the pages of this book have been eaten.
==>
You are somewhat skeptical about the nutritional value contained by these pages.
WV: Clear out all the cans inside the purple machine.
You empty the peculiar cabinet and take a quick inventory of your canned goods.
WV: Search room for can opener.
You have already looked all over the place for a CAN OPENER, even making a few electronic inquiries about one, to no avail.
WV: Locate a nearby sharp object.
You wield your TRUSTY KNIFE.
WV: Be the imp.
This means nothing to you.
WV: Become the mayor of Can Town.
As the glorious founder and mayor of CAN TOWN, you erect a dignified, majestic CITY HALL out of cans, fittingly capped off with a tome of good manners for the roof.
==>
You immerse yourself in this beautiful dream as you whittle away the minutes, or perhaps hours.
==>
Mayors are so much better than kings.
WV: Explore west of Can Town.
Over here is the other side of the room.
WV: Use glowing green rock to open cans.
You pick up the nugget of URANIUM and...
WV: Examine box of crayons.
It's chalk numbnuts.
==>
Inside the box, there are 12 pieces of CHALK in every color of the... 10 pieces of chalk.
WV: Try to open the storage box.
It's locked!
WV: Examine contents of yellow container.
The container is full of MOTOR OIL.
WV: Rescue that poor lightning bug.
There is nothing you can do for this new little friend.
WV: Use the chalk to draw some roads.
You sketch a handsome network of sprawling thoroughfares for your citizens to traverse.
WV: Lay a chalk foundation for Can Town's civic growth.
You develop westward, settling those fertile plains and claiming them for your city.
WV: Use your own pee for the commercial zones.
You cannot urinate because you have not had anything to drink in quite some time.
WV: Use motor oil to designate commercial zones.
You fill each empty square with a bit of MOTOR OIL to complete the zoning.
WV: Peel label from can of MAYO and affix to sash.
WV: Survey surroundings in search of more terrain for city.
It seems you have run out of territory for your western expansion.
==>
Using most of your imagination and an entire piece of sky-blue chalk, you render a bright and cheerful sky full of clouds.
==>
Orbiting much further from your city are FOUR PLANETS.
==>
And on the southern wall, beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness, occupying the furthest orbit yet, there is an OMINOUS PLANET.
WV: Check that rampaging boy on the screen.
Oh yeah, it's that guy.
WV: Turn on the other 3 screens.
You have no idea how to turn these on!
WV: Consume several cans.
You free the heavenly brown elixir from the jewels of pink carapace and imbibe like the wind.
WV: Welcome the rest into the city.
The TABS are naturalized as loyal new citizens of CAN TOWN.
WV: Hit escape.
Feeling refreshed and heavily caffeinated, you go back to work on the big computer.
==>
You use the arrow key to scroll up a bit.
==>
You scroll all the way up to your first command.
WV: Type => SWITCH 2.
You activate SCREEN 2.
WV: Type => SWITCH 3.
It's another one of these rapscallions.
WV: Type => HOME.
All four screens activate.
WV: Type => REBOOT.
You can't!
WV: Be the mayor.
Enough of this nonsense.
WV: Create employment opportunities for the citizen cans.
You temporarily dismantle CITY HALL to free up all the canpower available to create a vigilant TOWN MILITIA.
[S] WV: Lead your men to victory!
You waste more than four hours on this tomfoolery.
WV: Mourn the loss of citizen tab.
Your caffeinated jittering must have agitated all the little bubbles curiously hidden in the liquid, creating too much pressure in the can.
Minutes in the future...
Though perhaps not as few as implied by circumstance...
WV: Go outside and get some sun.
You say a bittersweet goodbye to your beloved city.
==>
The door shuts behind you.
==>
The LCD PANEL appears to have a touchscreen interface.
WV: Curiously prod the funny-looking spirograph.
It appears the funny-looking spirograph room is locked!
==>
The floor rotates a full 360 degrees beneath you, while the surrounding wall seems to stay put.
WV: Select the triangley fractal.
The triangley fractal room does not appear to be locked.
==>
The floor turns 120 degrees and the door opens.
==>
You go through the door to find another room.
==>
Against the opposite wall is some sort of CONTROL PANEL which catches your eye.
WV: Attach your trusty knife to the meter stick.
You immediately craft a MEASURING SPEAR through possibly the most advanced form of alchemy employed thusfar.
==>
Or it WOULD obviously be the most important thing to do if you had remembered to bring your TRUSTY KNIFE.
WV: Look at the other wall.
You examine the perplexing contraption across the room.
WV: Press the triangle pattern.
You go back to the CONTROL PANEL which probably obviously controls that gizmo and you push the big blue button which is obviously probably the most obvious thing to push.
==>
You appearify a PUMPKIN.
WV: Examine pumpkin.
It seems this mysterious gourd was transported (appearified!!!)
WV: Devour pumpkin.
You consider dining on the ripe flesh of the plump vegetable, but your curiosity about the APPEARIFIER gets the better of you.
WV: Inspect green buttons.
You first examine the attractive GREEN BUTTONS.
WV: Press green button on right.
You push the button.
WV: Fiddle with the dials.
One way to find out would be to attempt to appearify something from this facility.
WV: Appearify your trusty knife.
You nudge the coordinates very slightly and bump up the elevation by 0.5 HUMAN MEASUREMENT UNITS.
WV: Appearify Can Town.
You nudge the numbers a bit more and appearify a bunch of cans.
WV: Deappearify the pumpkin.
Does this machine look like a DEAPPEARIFIER to you??
WV: Use trusty knife to carve spook schema in pumpkin.
What the hell are you talking about?
WV: Move spirograph switch.
You cannot move it!
WV: Appearify firefly out of the amber.
==>
You release your blinky new friend.
WV: Adjust time dial to appearify rotten pumpkin.
You and SERENITY consider new ways to waste more time with the APPEARIFIER.
==>
It seems the APPEARIFIER cannot appearify something if it will create a TIME PARADOX.
WV: Appearify the grate over the entrance to the facility.
Serenity blinks a message of urgency.
[S] WV: Hasten to the exit post-haste!
oh wait
You attempt the rare and highly dangerous 5X CLIFFHANGER COMBO, and fail.
Dear John,
You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man!
ACT 3 ==>
A silly girl naps by her flowers.
Wake up!
You try to roust Farmstink from her slumber, but she is really down for the count!
Retrieve arms from...
THEY'RE RIGHT THERE.
Drop pumpkin on Farmstink.
What pumpkin?
Examine room.
Your name is JADE.
[S] Jade: Play a silly flute refrain.
==>
Wow, you really suck at this thing!
Jade: Captchalogue flute.
On second thought, it was a perfectly nice flute and there is no reason to take your frustration out on it.
Jade: Set modus.
[rollover above with mouse] You have a wide variety of FETCH MODI to choose from.
Jade: Select Memory.
You set your modus to MEMORY, and captchalogue the FLUTE.
Jade: Squeal like a piglet and fertilize some plants.
It is an awfully silly idea and is basically a waste of everyone's time.
==>
oh my god this is so much fun
==>
You captchalogue the BAG OF FERTILIZER.
Jade: Consult colourful reminders.
You tend to have a lot of things on your mind at once, and you can be a little forgetful.
Jade: Captchalogue the pumpkin growing next to you.
You snap up that PUMPKIN which seems suitably ripe for the taking.
==>
You make your way to the middle of the GARDEN ATRIUM, where a stairwell joins the four ATRIUM WINGS.
Jade: Captchalogue something.
Your MEMORY modus is hardly any fun without much stuff in it, so you decide to stock up on fresh produce to fill some more cards.
==>
You go pick a nice looking KEY LIME.
==>
Then a delicious MANDARIN ORANGE.
==>
And finally a ripe yellow EUREKA LEMON.
==>
Modus fun aside, you feel it is impossible to have too many fresh fruits and vegetables on hand.
Jade: Go upstairs to bedroom.
You almost never use the stairs.
==>
You TRANSPORTALIZE upstairs.
Jade: Ascend.
You enter your bedroom.
==>
You are an avid follower of CARTOON SHOWS OF CONSIDERABLE NOSTALGIC APPEAL.
Jade: Explore the other half of your room!
Over here there are yet more articles of your aforementioned INTERESTS, and then some.
==>
And today will likely be no exception.
Jade: Quickly retrieve firearms from wall.
You equip your trusty HUNTING RIFLE.
Jade: Wonder why the design on your shirt changed.
There isn't much to wonder, really.
==>
You may contemplate which shirt design you favor the most and commit to that setting in the near future.
Jade: Captchalogue nearest Squiddles doll and hug it.
Just before you can grab one, the powerful ELECTROMAGNETS concealed in their underbellies become activated, and two of them get all tangled up with each other playfully.
==>
You captchalogue the TANGLE BUDDIES.
Jade: Lose interest in fauna and never speak of it again.
Oh, but you could NEVER do that.
Jade: Pick up your toys!
Speaking of which, you pick up and admire one of your MANTHRO CHAPS.
Jade: Organize all your dolls.
You gather all your dolls into a rather cozy looking pile.
Jade: Change wardrobifier setting.
You deactivate the WARDROBIFIER'S randomization mode and set it to cycle through these three shirt designs.
Jade: Look out window.
It is another beautiful day in your neighborhood.
Jade: Retrieve fursuit from magic chest.
What is this nonsense about fursuits!!!
Jade: Open chest.
Among the FORTUNE TELLING KNICKKNACKS are these items: a CRYSTAL BALL plus compulsory VELVET PILLOW, a TAROT DECK, a MAGIC 8 BALL, a MAGIC CUE BALL, and one of your favorite books of all time, PROBLEM SOOTH.
Jade: Examine magic 8-ball and magic cue ball.
These things are stupid and useless!
==>
The MAGIC CUE BALL on the other hand is said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity.
Jade: Captchalogue refrigerator.
You take the REFRIGERATOR.
Jade: Feed your friend.
Before you go out to feed BEC, you will need to prepare a meal for him.
==>
Just for fun, Jade allows you to take a stab at matching the cards to use the gizmos.
==>
You have selected the KEY LIME.
Take another crack at this.
Congratulations, you advance your matching skill to the new level: YUKON HERO: LEGACY OF THE FROSTBITE AMPUTEE.
Ok, one more time.
If it were known in advance how terrible you were going to be at this matching game, the author may have given second thought to preparing this cool interactive Flash application.
==>
You just deploy the gadgets yourself.
Jade: Stick fruits in the refrigerator to keep them fresh.
These fruits are unlikely to become less impudent any time soon regardless of where they are stored, but you stick them in anyway.
==>
You take a look at the REFRIGERATOR'S rotary interface.
Jade: Press the steak button.
Ok, well it's a rotary dial so there are no buttons to press, but whatever that doesn't really matter.
Jade: Lightly irradiate steak.
He does prefer his steak rare after all.
==>
You captchalogue the IRRADIATED STEAK and save it for your trip outside.
Jade: Examine the atomic bass by your bed.
You wouldn't exactly call it an atomic bass, but it is heavily customized to accommodate a high level of musical virtuosity, the perfect instrument for the eclectically spirited.
==>
You switch your ECLECTIC BASS to its advanced setting.
[S] Jade: Play a hauntingly relaxing bassline.
Jade: Captchalogue bass.
You take the PORTABLE AMP from the WALL SOCKET too.
Jade: Open lunchtop.
You like to make yourself comfy in your plushy pile before getting down to business with your computer.
Jade: Get down to business.
Jade: Activate Pesterchum.
Hey look, John is online!
Jade: Pester John.
You greet John but he does not respond.
Jade: See if Dave left you a sweet new rap.
It does not appear so, but you just never know with that crazy and cool guy.
==>
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 2009-04-12 -- 23:14 TG: hey TG: oh TG: youre asleep again arent you TG: or do you even know if you are TG: i still dont know how that works TG: its like nothing means anything TG: its so cool getting hella chumped by your coquettish damn riddles all the time TG: i dont know why i believe anything you say im like the grand marshal of gross chumpage TG: waving around my faggoty chumpductor baton TG: assitant director of chumpography TG: celebrated author ernest chumpingway TG: wait weak TG: chumpelstiltskin TG: uh TG: chumpeldipshit TG: yeah TG: youre asleep y/n?
[S] Jade: Open FreshJamz!
You open the FRESHJAMZ MEDIA PLAYER and add Dave's remix to the playlist.
Jade: Open Echidna and go to mspaintadventures.com
You open your web browser and visit MSPA.
[S] MIDNIGHT CREW: ACT 1031
==>
You've killed a little time, but still no sign of John.
Jade: Pester Dave.
gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 2009-04-13 -- 12:36 GG: hi dave!!
Jade: Pester Rose.
TT: I require a font of frighteningly accurate yet infuriatingly nonspecific information.
Jade: Be the other girl.
You are now the other girl several hours in the future.
Jade: Stop being the other girl and pester John again.
You've spent enough time for now concerning yourself with the future of your friends.
==>
You pack up your LUNCHTOP and get ready to take care of some business downstairs.
[S] Jade: Descend.
Try as you might, you can't stop your mind from drifting to the fate of your friends.
Also in the future...
But years, not hours...
==>
You enter the LABORATORY.
Rose: Look for mad scientists.
There are no scientists to be found, mad or otherwise.
==>
It looks like the kiosk monitors the lab's enormous HUBGRID.
Jade: Transportalize as far down as you can go.
This is as far down as you can go.
Jade: Proceed.
You hop down a level.
Jade: Keep going.
Oh yeah.
==>
This is your grandfather's collection of what he refers to as his BEAUTIES.
Jade: Complete your descent.
==>
You reach the ground level.
==>
Looks like someone's pestering you.
Jade: Answer.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 13:04 CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT.
Rose: Look at that kiosk.
Looks like a mapping of each hub's index.
Rose: Go to the center and do a goofy dance.
At the center, you find a little stage that looks perfect for supporting a spectacularly silly dance.
Rose: Attempt to plug laptop into nearby hub.
==>
Great, you just vaporized your dead cat.
Rose: Examine fetch modus.
Looks like you can choose between picking leaves, or awkwardly uprooting the whole tree, as you've been doing.
==>
You gather up all your items again in an order that places your LAPTOP in a conveniently accessible leaf.
Rose: Find the unlocked hub.
As long as you're going to plug in your computer, you might as well find that hub.
==>
You pick the LAPTOP leaf from the tree.
==>
You plug your LAPTOP into the HUB, then captchalogue the HUB and then the LAPTOP.
==>
It's another one of these ominous countdowns.
Again in the future...
Another timer winds down, sideways.
IT KEEPS HAPPENING
What does?
Rose: Look around for anything else of importance.
This looks like something of importance.
==>
It appears to be Skaianet's primary SESSION TERMINAL, monitoring a great number of SBURB SESSIONS in the northeastern United States and parts of Canada.
==>
You use the panel to center on your present location and zoom in.
==>
You zoom way out and narrow the search based on size.
Rose: Turn on your laptop and check on John.
You plug the laptop into the hub again and turn it on.
==>
No sign of John here.
John: High-five Nannaquin.
TT: Good work, John!
John: Climb that echeladder.
You rocket up the ECHELADDER to the dizzying heights of the vaunted BOY-SKYLARK rung!!!
John: Collect phat lewtz.
You and your CERAMIC PORKHOLLOW rejoice in the mound of wealth yielded from your meteoric ascent up the ladder.
John: Pick up as much grist as you can hold.
Your expanded CACHE LIMIT is more than enough to accommodate the grist windfall.
==>
Oh god, there's grist littered down there too.
==>
NANNASPRITE: John, don't forget your book!
Elsewhere, we find a place...
Where a kingdom lies entrenched beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness.
You are now...
The Peregrine Mendicant.
PM: Check mail.
This message to Dr.
PM: Open envelope.
NEVER.
==>
The mail is the one final hope for resurrecting a dead planet from its ashes, and the letter carriers are the brave soldiers of God in this righteous crusade.
PM: Examine keyboard and screen.
It's the terminal you used to activate the station's homing mechanism.
PM: Type => VIEW
You type another one of the previously entered commands.
Rose: Refuse to acknowledge the absurd tea set.
You successfully disregard the TEA SET because it's stupid and shouldn't be in a place like this.
==>
Looks like a little girl's room.
Rose: Wear the scarf.
Ok, maybe you'll do a LITTLE messing around.
==>
You are accosted by a friendly MUTANT KITTEN.
John: Resist great urge to take the wedged shale.
You know you should grab this thing, but...
==>
You are suddenly feeling apprehensive about entering your father's room.
Jade: Scamper into grand foyer with wild abandon.
You scamper your heart out and bump into something.
Jade: Arm yourself.
GRANDPA will surely have stern words for you if he catches you without your trusty RIFLE at the ready.
Jade: Examine those chaps on the sofa.
These are the manor's four DISTINGUISHED HOUSEGUESTS.
==>
You suppose you could still manage to sneak by the crafty old man if you are fast enough.
Jade: Leap dramatically across the divide.
WHOOPS.
==>
YES i am going out with this gun!!!
Jade: Abscond!
He was so much easier to deal with when he was alive.
PM: Miraculously survive.
PM: Peer out explosion hole.
Rose: Refuse to acknowledge the absurd kitten.
You fail miserably.
Rose: Insert coin.
This weird arcade gizmo adapted to this setup obviously doesn't take coins anymore, assuming it ever did.
Rose: Let's play a game.
This doesn't appear to be a game.
Rose: Screw around with the appearifier.
You mess with the controls...
Rose: Cause time paradox.
You attempt to appearify Jaspers.
==>
The PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of Jaspers appearifies instead, and quickly settles into a mound of sludge.
==>
The machine beside it sucks up the paradox sludge and begins some kind of automated procedure.
==>
The device generates a fetal PARADOX CLONE of Jaspers.
Rose: Have a flashback.
There is no need for a flashback.
==>
Before you could ask him to clarify, he vanished into thin air.
Rose: Trace Jaspers' whereabouts on the machine.
You roll the clock forward to a week after he vanished.
[S] Rose: Fast forward to now.
Rose: Appearify Jaspers immediately.
Good thing you finally got all this sorted out.
Rose: Stop fooling around and transportalize out of there!
Jade: Locate and feed the devilbeast you call a pet.
Good luck finding him!
Jade: Retrieve the package you expected to arrive.
The birthday package you were expecting from John arrived months late.
John: Triple somersault into room, etc.
Ok, you do that.
John: Snoop.
Aw yeah, here come the secrets.
[S] John: Examine your dad's room.
John: Calm down, it'll be alright.
So all those years, while you believed he was out busking up the corners with hilarious antics, he was working as an ordinary business man all along.
==>
The human prisoner has broken out of his jail cell yet again.
==>
You're going to need a bigger safe.
Enter name.
Spades Slick?
Take another stab at it.
Ok.
State name and rank.
You are ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR.
Jack: Don comical hat.
This frivolous headdress turns your stomach.
Jack: Call a minion.
You order one of your burliest agents to the scene.
==>
Your transmission is interrupted.
Jack: Throw down hat in disgust.
You fully intend to once your superior stops breathing down your neck for a second.
==>
Your blood is boiling so hot you could cook an egg on your carapace.
John: Investigate room for anything dad may have left behind
It seems there are some unopened BIRTHDAY PRESENTS which DAD didn't get around to giving you yet.
John: Present time!
The one on the right seems promising.
John: Obtain SW33TL00T.
You tear into this thing and put a mean peep on the sw33tloot.
==>
First thing you do is flush the extra cards into your deck.
John: Equip array fetch modus.
The ARRAY MODUS allows you to store and retrieve any item from any card at any time.
John: Read instructions for control deck.
There's nothing to read, really.
==>
Your sylladex now behaves like both a STACK and a QUEUE.
==>
You see no reason at all not to jam the ARRAY CARTRIDGE in there too.
John: Unwrap the smallest present first.
You have a staunch policy of always saving the biggest present for last.
==>
You receive a box of delicious FRUIT GUSHERS.
John: Open the big one.
You thought wrong.
John: Fill up an entire queuestack with shoes.
Ok, awesome.
John: Captchalogue Fruit Gushers.
Dang!
John: Closely inspect Fruit Gushers box.
So delicious.
==>
THE HEINOUS BATTERWITCH HAS HER GNARLED CLAWS IN EVERYTHING.
[S] John: Mental breakdown.
[S] Jade: Retrieve package.
Rose: Check self for any mixed atoms with cat.
Nope, no mixed atoms.
Rose: Look around room.
Oh, you're back home.
Rose: Watch the meteor impact.
Huh, that's funny.
==>
Better get out of here.
John: Get down to business.
Suddenly you are feeling very businessmanlike for some reason.
==>
You are now dreaming.
Jade: Obliquely foreshadow future through interpretive dance
Your silly dance foreshadows nothing and is essentially meaningless.
Jade: Quick!
You climb into bed and try to get comfortable.
Jade: Realize you can fly!
There is not much to realize.
Jade: Open the Package.
You stop all this flying around nonsense and examine John's birthday package.
==>
Unfortunately you cannot open it yet!
Months in the past...
Enough for the above weather to be seasonably reconcilable...
==>
-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -- GT: hey, happy birthday jade!
John: Make totems.
You have already carved a few TOTEMS, but you have had to return to the living room for more CRUXITE DOWELS.
Rose: Flee room.
At long last, you have returned to your bedroom with a stable power supply and internet connection.
Rose: Pester John.
TT: That's quite a totem collection.
==>
EB: NICE JOKE EB: GREAT JOKE THERE ROSE EB: TOP OF THE LINE PRANK EB: HE HE EB: HA HA HA HA HA TT: This is good.
WV: Descend.
You cannot descend from the top of your mobile station.
WV: Sacrifice your MAYORAL SASH for more CABLES.
ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY A MAYOR DOES NOT RELINQUISH HIS MAYORAL SASH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER PERIOD
WV: Appearify the temple.
That's such a dumb idea.
WV: Command Serenity to carry the rope to you.
She is a tiny insect and cannot possibly lift more than the weight of a pumpkin seed!!!
WV: Get ye rope.
Ok, we just established it was a cable and not a rope, but that's ok.
==>
You open the envelope.
WV: Try to appearify the cable again.
You set the time to the present, and appearify the JUMBLE OF CABLE.
WV: Take obvious course of action.
You tie all the cable together and carefully lower your precious PUMPKIN BINDLE.
Years in the future...
Which is to say, THE PRESENT MOMENT PRECISELY...
==>
An AIMLESS RENEGADE prepares for company.
Rose: Build as much as you can as fast as you can.
EB: ok, while i make some stuff here can you keep an eye out for imps?
==>
TT: It looks like you were in your father's room recently.
John: Alchemize.
TT: I don't like to use the word "crazy".
==>
EB: wow, what are you doing by the way?
[S] Jade: Dream up extra arms and play advanced bass solo.
Jade: Change wardrobifier to cycle thru STAR HEART HORSESHOE
Ok, good idea.
Jade: Go explore the golden city.
Jade: Go and make a new friend.
WV: Eat letter and envelope.
Will you cut that out!
WV: Look behind you!
See?
Jade: Gracefully fly to the other golden tower.
You decide to check on your neighbor.
Jade: Inspect neighbor's tower.
It is very much the same as your own!
==>
John is of course sound asleep.
==>
Speaking of John, you wonder if he got the birthday present you sent him?
==>
Your MOON is getting very close to SKAIA.
John: Alchemize in a 1980's time-lapse montage.
That would be pretty cool, and would promote the appearance to the audience that a whole lot was getting done in not much time, but it also sounds like kind of a pain in the ass so you decide to play it straightup this time.
John: Recombine hammer and pogo ride.
This time instead of overlapping (&&) the two cards which created the POGO HAMMER, you use the two codes to double-punch (||) a blank card, producing a different hole pattern.
John: Combine ghost shirt and suit.
You make the GREEN SLIME GHOST SUIT.
John: Combine ghost suit and Wise Guy book.
You make the WISE GUY SLIME SUIT.
John: Combine glasses and PDA.
You make the SERIOUS BUSINESS GOGGLES.
John: Combine sledgehammer, telescope, and Sassacre text.
You make the TELESCOPIC SASSACRUSHER, at pretty considerable expense.
John: Combine gushers and blue ectoplasm.
You mix your Gushers with some of the blue slime Nanna left on the wall to make a box of HELLACIOUS BLUE PHLEGM ANEURYSM GUSHERS (WITH GHOSTLY HEALING PROPERTIES!)
John: Combine fake arm, blue ectoplasm, and PDA.
You make the REMOTE GHOST GAUNTLET.
John: Combine ghost gauntlet and bathroom mirror.
You make a LEFT HANDED REMOTE GHOST GAUNTLET to complete the pair.
John: Combine umbrella and straight razor.
You make the BARBER'S BEST FRIEND.
John: Combine gushers and shaving cream.
You make a deadly BETTY CROCKER BARBASOL BOMB.
John: Combine Ghost Dad poster with...
Ok, you have a cool idea for something to do with your GHOST DAD POSTER, but it looks like you drew shit all over that one too without realizing it.
John: Captchalogue/punch Heath Ledger Joker figurine.
If you can somehow "subtract" the code of the JOKER FIGURINE from the code of the poster, it might work.
John: Combine Cosby poster with computer.
You make the COSBYTOP COMPUTER.
John: Combine Dad's hat and Problem Sleuth game.
You make another ordinary FEDORA with FOUR PIECES OF CANDY CORN inside.
John: Combine Hammer and Problem Sleuth game.
Whatever this item is, you cannot make it yet!
John: Combine iron and pogo hammer.
You make the WRINKLEFUCKER.
==>
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- TG: bro just kicked my ass
==>
TG: thats really all there is to say on the matter
[S] Jade: Pester John.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:25 -- GG: john did you get my package??
==>
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- GG: hey!!!!
Jade: Update colourful reminders.
You take a moment to gather your thoughts after your dream.
==>
Bec has never allowed you to enter the MYSTIC RUINS for reasons you never understood.
Jade: Grab your harpoon gun.
Oh yes, of course!
Jade: Use harpoon to zip-line into the great outdoors.
Rose: Finish building.
Architectural perfection.
Dave: Mourn the loss of Cal.
See you little dude.
Dave: Go get a god damn new sword.
Perhaps you will.
Dave: Captchalogue beta.
You try to grab the BETA (6) but you forgot your sylladex is completely packed.
Dave: Eject your modus and set it to Scrabble values.
You dump all this crap all over the roof.
Dave: Get beta.
You get the BETA (3+1+1+1), now yielding a radically different hash value with the Scrabble function.
Dave: Pester Rose.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- TG: ok i got it TG: i hope you appreciate how much gross spongy proboscis i had to fellate to get this game TG: hello TG: what are you doing TG: anyway im going down stairs now and installing this thing TG: later
==>
You have finally finished your building project.
Rose: Captchalogue and send John code for his present.
That would certainly hasten the parcel's delivery, but the gift is not finished yet!
dear rose,
dear rose, happy birthday!!!
Rose: Answer.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Why Is It That When The Subject Of Temporal Mechanics Is Broached Your Sparing Human Intellects Instantly Assume The Most Ingratiating Posture Of Surrender Imaginable GA: Time Is Not That Difficult To Understand GA: It Is A Utility That A Universe May Resort To In Order To Advance A Desired Degree Of Complexity GA: Or May Not Resort To If That Is The Case GA: Its All Pretty Pedestrian GA: But No GA: When Time Travel Comes Up You Present The Face That A Man Shows When The Breeze Gradually Alerts Him To His Absence Of Netherdressings GA: I Dont See How We Are To Properly Agitate You All If You Continue To Insist On Failing To Understand Basic Concepts Which Common Infants Effortlessly Manage To Describe Via Scrawlings In Their Own Puddles Of Sloppy Discharge TT: Have we spoken before?
dear dave,
dear dave, happy birthday!!!
Dave: Answer.
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- AT: hEYYY, AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE AWFUL, AT: lET'S PUT THAT FACT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT, AT: nOW YOU HAVE BEEN PRIMED FOR THE DIGESTIVE RUINATION THAT'S ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE, aND THE COMPREHENSIVE SOILING OF THE LAUNDRY ENVELOPING YOUR PERSON, TG: oh my god you type like a tool AT: yEAHHH, AT: nOW YOU'RE GETTING IT, wHAT YOU ARE IN FOR, AT: aRE YOU READY TO BE TROLLLLLED, AT: wITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR MISERABLE HUMAN CORTEX, TG: this is so weak im almost getting tired of wasting good material on you guys TG: its like TG: youve got nothing TG: its always one of you sprouting up and ranting about how hard im about to get trolled TG: with no ensuing substance TG: you dont even know anything about us TG: one of you fuckers thought i was a girl AT: oK, yEAH, bUT, AT: tHE THING IS, tHAT i DON'T CARE, AT: aBOUT YOUR ANATOMICAL DETAILS, aND THINGS LIKE THAT, AT: i KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE, AT: oR WILL DO, aCTUALLY, AT: iT'S THE MOST AWFUL THING, tHE WORST YOU CAN EVER DO, TG: sorry i wouldnt cyber with you dude TG: in the future or whatever AT: wHAT, wAIT, AT: oH, AT: oK, yOU'RE THE ONE WHO LIKES TO SUBMIT INNUENDO, TG: human innuendo AT: yES, hUMAN iNNUENDO, AT: sORRY FOR THE LACK OF CLARITY, TG: so at what point in the future am i supposed to look forward to you whipping up this titanic hankerin for my knob AT: uH, TG: be honest with me TG: cause im busy TG: and i want to know exactly when i got to clear some space in my calendar for when some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon AT: sHOULD i BE PERTURBED BY THESE ALLUSIONS, TG: no man TG: look TG: i just need to know when to be there TG: when the stars come into alignment and your flux capacitor lets you finally sate your meteoric greed for crotch-dachshund TG: i wouldnt want to miss it and cause a paradox or something TG: itd suck if the universe blew up on account of you missing your window of opportunity to help yourself to a pubescent boy's naked spam porpoise AT: uHHH, AT: oK, THIS IS SORT OF STARTING TO UPSET ME, TG: jesus you are such a shitty troll AT: i GUESS i'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE, AT: aND FIND ANOTHER POINT IN TIME TO BOTHER YOU, AT: wHEN, i GUESS, AT: yOU ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY SUSCEPTIBLE, aND DON'T HAVE ALL THESE BEES IN YOUR BONNET, AT: aBOUT YOUR HUMAN SEXUALITY, TG: oh no TG: no dude TG: you sassed me up TG: we are in THE SHIT now TG: together TG: for the long haul AT: i, AT: wHAT, TG: we're motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch TG: you and me TG: welcome to nam TG: now grab my hand and shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before charlie gets the fuckin drop AT: uHHH, wHO, AT: wHO'S CHARLIE, TG: hes the guy whos gonna read our vows TG: im feeling pretty friggin MATRIMONIAL all a sudden TG: take a look down by your foot see that little bottle TG: stomp on that shit like its on fire TG: noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving us around on chairs til someone gets hurt TG: im your 300 pound matronly freight-train TG: and my gaping furnace is hungry for coal so get goddamn shoveling AT: oH MY GOD, TG: bro look in my eyes TG: that twinkle TG: that be DEVOTION you herniated pro wrestlers sweaty purple taint TG: sparklin like a visit from your fairy fuckin godmother TG: shit be PURE AND TRUE TG: thats what you see TG: a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams all swishin together TG: radially effevescing arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine TG: turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing vienna sausages strong TG: this is how we do this TG: this shits more real than kraft mayo -- adiosToreador [AT] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --
You are now...
The Aimless Renegade.
AR: Realize that your weapon is magazine-fed, not clip-fed.
You don't give a shit about that.
AR: Examine the wall behind you.
The wall exhibits rows of ancient hieroglyphs depicting an array of amphibious and reptilian life forms.
AR: Go search for more ammo.
There is plenty of ammunition stored in the various AMMO CRATES which you have spent a great deal of time unearthing from nearby dunes and hauling back to your stronghold.
AR: Quickly retrieve side arms.
You retrieve a pair of deadly SIDE ARMS.
AR: Find a rocket launcher.
AR: Befriend the unwelcome rogues.
You wonder if you should reconsider your grievance with the offenders.
==>
They are both in flagrant violation, trespassing through several zones which you painstakingly marked as off-limits while you conduct your investigation of this crime scene.
AR: Examine moving platform.
It appears to be a large stage serving as a kind of elevator.
Jade: Place present on monument.
You put John's present down in just the right spot, along with a letter you prepared a little while ago after a particularly interesting series of dreams.
==>
You put down the time-bait.
==>
You guess you could swim.
PM : Read the letter.
This is kind of confusing.
==>
But you guess it's straightforward enough, even if the drawing is somewhat inaccurate...
AR: Berate self for unauthorized demolition.
STUPID STUPID STUPID You had them right in your crosshairs.
AR: Be the law.
You reload and take aim.
==>
YOU ARE THE LAW WHOOPS
WV: Wave about in a distracting manner.
Oh it's this guy again and his little blinking bee.
PM: Scamper quickly to the newly created hole.
PM: Read the next step of the letter.
At the bottom of the letter is a series of coordinates along with further instructions.
==>
Today is your BIRTHDAY.
==>
You open it to find a shirt that is way too big for you, and... pumpkin seeds?
dear jade,
dear jade, happy birthday!!!
==>
Who is this John claiming to be your friend?
==>
You bear the vicious brunt of this story transition directly in the face.
Jack: Kill John's dad yourself.
Here, stick this in your pipe and bleed to death slowly.
==>
You release the prisoner.
Jade: Play guitar to summon giant lily pads.
Dave: Install beta.
TG: alright im installing this game finally TT: Where doing this man?
[I] ==>
Your name is SPADES SLICK.
[I] SS: Inspect timekeeping devices.
Stupid gang and their lousy obsession with clocks.
[I] SS: Captchalogue carriage clock.
You obviously have no idea what that means.
[I] SS: Build fort with clocks.
You have an idea that is so much better.
[I] SS: Check for traps under the billiards rug.
What is under the rug is much worse than any trap you can imagine.
[I] ==>
You cover the unsightly individual back up and try to forget it ever existed.
[I] SS: Play 52 pickup.
You would need a DECK OF CARDS to play that infernal game.
[I] SS: Shuffle contents of war chest.
You rummage around.
[I] SS: Scavenge war chest for fancy headwear.
If there are any elaborate headdresses in here, you'll eat your haberdasher.
[I] SS: Hide inside your war chest.
You cannot hide properly inside the chest because you cannot close it while you are inside.
[I] SS: Start up the Crosbytop.
Is that what this thing is?
[I] SS: Go to mspaintadventures.com.
You don't know why you are wasting time on this website.
[I] SS: Delete the time setting on the crosbytop.
CLOCKS DESTROYED: 5/1000
[I] SS: Take the spade key.
You take the RULES CARD FOR BLACKJACK.
[I] SS: Examine vendetta itinerary.
These are the mugshots of everyone you are going to kill.
[I] SS: Wonder where the number 8 mugshot went.
It's right here.
[I] SS: Examine heist map.
On review, your schemes seem a bit convoluted.
[I] SS: Use radio device to check on unscrupulous cohorts.
You put the word out to your cronies for a status report.
[I] ==>
You slip the SPADE KEY back into the DECK OF CARDS, then pocket the WAR CHEST.
[I] SS: Enter the hallway near the main entrance.
Funny, you didn't hear any commotion or gunplay.
[I] ==>
He says he's got Doze tied up for interrogation.
[I] SS: Be Hearts Boxcars.
You are now Clubs Deuce.
[I] CD: Rough him up.
He remains tight-lipped, so you deal him a senseless shin-drubbing with your CROOK OF FELONY.
[I] ==>
He's probably still using his special ability to slow time down for himself.
[I] CD: Punch clocks in faces to establish chronology.
Why would you do that?
[I] CD: Swap hats with Doze.
You begin a feeble campaign of psychological warfare.
[I] CD: Dump the contents of your war chest over him.
War chest?
[I] CD: Play some solitaire.
Don't be stupid.
[I] CD: Throw the hat down and stomp it mercilessly.
Oh no.
[I] ==>
Doze proceeds to make a fleetfooted getaway.
[I] SS: Stop being Hearts Boxcars.
Alright, you're the boss.
[I] SS: Lift left leg and hold it a little ways in the air.
Oops.
[I] ==>
4/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD
[I] SS: Wear CD's hat on top of your current one.
You are already wearing Deuce's hat you fool.
[I] SS: Wear backup hat.
You deploy your chest and swap this dinky little hat for one more suited to your tastes.
[I] ==>
Die makes his usual sort of entrance.
[I] SS: Be Diamonds Droog.
You got it.
[I] ==>
You're not sure what's what.
[I] CD: Grab the deuce of clubs.
You pick up two LICORICE GUMMY BEARS.
[I] CD: Pick up all of the cards and throw them at Doze.
You pick up a bunch of cards and fling them Doze-ward.
[I] CD: Pick a card, any card.
You're a busy guy so you just pick up any old thing and put it on your head.
[I] CD: Pick up card depicting stately blonde-haired fellows
You aren't going to stand around jack king off all day long, so you grab the JACK OF DIAMONDS.
[I] CD: Forget you are CD.
You suddenly remember you are Diamonds Droog.
[I] DD: Wear backup hat.
You don't have a BACKUP HAT all you got is this DECK OF CARDS oh wait yes you do.
[I] DD: Retrieve hat from brawlsoleum.
You are the only member of this band of thugs who is civilized enough to keep more than one BACKUP HAT, as well as an extensive array of FINELY TAILORED SUITS.
[I] DD: Withdraw licorice fish from backup hat.
Whew.
[I] ==>
Suddenly you get coldcocked in the face from the future.
[I] ==>
Trace always knows where you've been.
[I] ==>
Trouble is, whenever he does, he lets you know exactly where he's going to be in the future.
[I] DD: Resume pursuit of wounded felt member.
You don't know if the wounded guy went up the stairs, or came down.
[I] DD: Follow trail of blood up the stairs.
Can't overthink this time stuff.
[I] CD: Follow Diamonds Droog's instructions.
After giving a quick 10-4 over the RADIO, you take another look at your prisoner.
[I] CD: Just lock Doze in the battledrobe.
Time to hit the road.
[I] ==>
You flip the fuck out over the fact that this is apparently a BULL PENIS CANE.
[I] Meanwhile, running roughly parallel with present events.
[I] ==>
Itchy always cheats.
[I] ==>
Looks like he got what he deserved.
[I] SS: Make friends with Die.
You introduce your CAST IRON HORSE HITCHER to your new friend.
[I] ==>
Die scrambles for a PIN he's been saving for a special occasion.
[I] ==>
How many times does he have to tell you.
[I] HB: Stop being SS.
You stop not being Hearts Boxcars.
[I] HB: Do a silly dance.
This is just absolutely the most ridiculous thing you could possibly choose to do right now.
[I] HB: Pry the wall from the safe.
That notion is even more ridiculous than the last one.
[I] HB: Deploy PUNCHBOX.
You deploy the WRATHTUB.
[I] HB: Retrieve two of hearts from backup hat.
You retrieve your pair of WAX LIPS.
[I] HB: Peruse Red Cheeks magazine.
Just glancing at it gives you palpitations.
[I] HB: Call Clubs on nearest card.
You radio Deuce on the 10-4 cards.
[I] ==>
Ugh, there he is.
[I] CD: Follow path.
In the future, you've already followed the path through the mansion that Droog told you to.
[I] ==>
In the present, you talk on the radio.
[I] DD: Take a good look around the new room you're in.
Looks like the trail of blood ends here.
[I] ==>
Fin always knows where you're going.
[I] ==>
Predestined bullet holes are convenient.
[I] ==>
7/21 CLOCKS REDESTROYED
[I] SS: Rematerialize.
That doesn't make any sense.
[I] ==>
Die realizes there is a cost to settling the score with you in this way.
[I] SS: Help the green man live up to his name.
[I] SS: Take voodoo doll.
You grab his VOODOO DOLL, and stick his pin in there for good measure.
[I] SS: Clocks.
29/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED 5/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD
[I] DD: Follow blood trail downstairs and finish him off.
Problem with that is, he'll just see your FUTURE TRAIL following him, and that'll be nothing but a loud invitation for him to mess with you some more.
[I] SS: Return to being Hearts Boxcars.
Spades Slick cannot return to being Hearts Boxcars because obviously Diamonds Droog is too busy being Clubs Deuce.
[I] CD: Implement nefarious scheme.
You follow Droog's simple instructions.
[I] ==>
Trace catches up to where you were.
[I] ==>
7/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD 107/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED
[I] ==>
Fin makes his way through the mansion to get some help.
[I] CD: Follow the red-blood road.
It's uncanny.
[I] ==>
But he can't get a clear shot.
[I] ==>
You stop to admire this gorgeous clock.
[I] HB: Waste exactly four hours on this tomfoolery.
YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL
[I] ==>
Above, a spectator has appeared at the strike of 4 and has been giggling at your foolishness for a number of minutes.
[I] ==>
Stitch mutters to himself in his shop.
[I] HB: Call Spades for backup.
You tell Slick to get his scrawny ass to the vault.
[I] ==>
Droog says Deuce is tailing Fin, while he is tailing Deuce.
[I] ==>
Fin busts into Stitch's workshop blubbering something about watching out for the little guy who's about to come in here.
[I] ==>
Death. 8/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD
[I] CD: Burst in thrusting bull penis cane.
Everybody out of the god damn way.
[I] ==>
Stitch says drop the livestock knob and settle the hell down.
[I] DD: Sneak into Stitch's boutique.
Drop it and get in.
[I] ==>
You admit the thought of carrying an imprisoned tailor wherever you go is gratifying for personal reasons.
[I] HB: Prod idiots with Red Cheeks.
This predictably accomplished nothing!
[I] SS: Remove Crowbar's pin.
[I] ==>
Crowbar's alive again.
[I] SS: Insert and quickly remove Snowman's pin.
You have no idea how much you'd like to.
[I] ==>
Everyone always ceases gunplay when Snowman's around.
[I] SS: Remove knife from eye.
It's not a knife.
[I] SS: Give it to Sawbuck.
You chuck the LANCE at Sawbuck.
[I] SS: Kill something out of rage and frustration.
Stitch gets the business end of your SABER RATTLE.
[I] SS: Bring knives to the gunfight.
Where do you think you're going, fatty?
[I] SS: Occam's Razor.
Crowbar deflects the KING OF SPADES into Sawbuck's unmissable carriage.
[I] Years in the past...
Which is to say the present, for the time being...
[I] SS: Hit Crowbar in the head.
You can't kill him yet.
[I] SS: Stuff him in your deck of cards.
You cram him in the WAR CHEST.
[I] SS: Just go stab Sawbuck until the time shenanigans stop
You treat him to a bit of the old BAIT AND SWITCHBLADE.
[I] SS: Carry Sawbuck like Titan Atlas would carry the world
You order Hearts to drop his tub on the double before this fat lard puts you in a wheelchair.
[I] ==>
You dump them in the WRATHTUB, then stick the tub in your own DECK OF CARDS.
[I] SS: Stick Crowbar's pin back in again.
You go back to your original timeline.
[I] ==>
You open the chest releasing them both.
[I] ==>
You deflect his gunfire into the awesome gravitational pull of Sawbuck's astonishing girth.
[I] ==>
You dodge his next round too.
[I] SS: Take a moment to think up some time-based one-liners
Ok you think you got one.
[I] ==>
Let's see... sorry to... no... time's running... no wait... fuck.
[I] SS: Stab first, utter puns later.
Just as you hear your past self asking what happened to your eye, you jab Sawbuck with your BUTTERFLY EFFECT KNIFE.
[I] ==>
You are now Past Spades Slick... again.
[I] PSS: Remove Crowbar's pin.
A whole bunch of shit happens that we already saw.
[I] PSS: Be Future Spades Slick.
Being your future self is a lot more constructive because you get to do stuff you haven't already done.
[I] ==>
One of the clocks that wasn't destroyed before is now bloodied and full of holes.
[I] SS: Quickly remove lance from Sawbuck.
You pry the CIGARETTE HOLDER from his torso.
[I] SS: Knock Sawbuck unconscious.
COUNT SOME SHEEP BITCH Wait... the clock on the wall...
[I] ==>
It hasn't been destroyed yet.
[I] ==>
You've even got an ice-cold one-liner to dish out when the time comes.
[I] ==>
Hate to chop all of your heads off with this sword.
[I] ==>
9/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD 2/9 GREEN TORSOS DEADENED TWICE 1/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT IT'S AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE TORSO, SO YOU GUESS MAYBE IT DOESN'T COUNT(?)
[I] ==>
You grab the tub and chest and move on.
[I] DD: Call Spades.
You check up on Slick's status.
[I] DD: Have Stitch patch up SS's effigy.
Get to work, threadmonkey.
[I] SS: Have right eye patched up.
DAMMIT.
[I] SS: Arm yourself, in case Cans shows up.
If Cans shows up, none of these weapons you've got are going to do any good.
[I] SS: Ride around on horse hitcher pretending to joust.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
[I] ==>
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOHSHIT.
[I] ==>
You can't BELIEVE she saw you horsing around like that.
[I] DD: Shoot up biscuit and eggs's effigies.
Stitch keeps their EFFIGIES in a big warehouse several miles away because of their ridiculous duplication tendencies.
[I] ==>
This was such an unbelievably terrible idea.
[I] SS: CHARGE!
This is incredibly delirious biznasty.
[I] SS: Start whacking things with the crowbar.
The first thing you whack is Eggs's EGG TIMER.
[I] ==>
You do this because of course you know that Crowbar's CROWBAR will destroy any temporal artifact and completely negate its effect on the timeline.
[I] HB: Attempt to eat Eggs.
Your attempt was an overwhelming success.
[I] ==>
Biscuits is looking a tad snug in his muffin tray.
[I] ==>
He thinks it's about time to poke a broomstraw in this battle.
[I] SS: Crowbar.
You deal the oven a wicked flogging but not much happens.
[I] CD: Put dynamite in oven.
You set the bomb to go off in a few seconds, when both it and Biscuits are released from it in a few hours.
[I] CD: Turn up heat on Biscuit's oven.
You're pretty sure this oven doesn't actually work at all.
[I] ==>
12/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD PROBABLY SOME MORE CLOCKS DESTROYED TOO
[I] SS: Use crowbar to pry the safe open.
Since your expert safe cracker apparently spent the last five or six hours being totally useless down here, you figure it's time to take things into your own hands.
[I] ==>
Clover insists that you reconsider!
[I] SS: Politely ask Clover to remain calm.
He refuses outright and starts doing a really frisky jig!
[I] DD: Ask Clover for the ultimate riddle.
You ask Clover to open the safe.
[I] ==>
You just start whacking him with a newspaper instead.
[I] DD: Check personal ads of periodical.
This isn't a real newspaper.
[I] ==>
Suddenly the whole vault room is shaking.
[I] ==>
All of a sudden Cans plows through the wall Kool-Aid Man style.
[I] DD: Resist urge to shout "Oh Yeah!"
Oh No!
[I] ==>
He punches you into next week.
[I] HB: Use Eggs' body as bait for Cans.
You flail the torso Cans-ward in an attempt to placate him with the red meat.
[I] ==>
It doesn't work!!!
[I] ==>
Looks like this one's themed with SPIRITED HORSES.
[I] SS: Ignore him and just pry the safe open.
You don't care what the consequences are.
[I] ==>
The massive release of temporal distortion from the vault transports you to a highly unfavorable timeline.
[I] SS: Enter the vault.
There's nothing in here except an opening in the floor.
[I] SS: Dramatically use the spade key.
You guess this is what the SPADE KEY was for all this time.
[I] SS: Peek inside keyhole.
What KEYHOLE?
[I] SS: Use rules card for blackjack.
This was never a problem because there is clearly a barcode printed on your RULES CARD FOR BLACKJACK.
[I] SS: Get on with it.
Huh?
[I] ==>
Oh are you looking for this well come and get it you contemptuous she-witch.
[I] ==>
Snowman's BLACK INCHES no doubt have been responsible for more than a few RED CHEEKS.
[I] SS: Flip your sprite.
[I] SS: Scan the barcode.
In a future settled askance of the present...
Collateral desecration mars the sacred/illicit.
In the mystic ruins of an era pre-desecration...
An ancient TIME CAPSULE has blossomed.
Jade: Take the discs.
You captchalogue the SBURB BETA.
Jade: Switch to Jenga modus.
You swap your modus to JENGA, ejecting your sylladex in the process.
==>
Your modus grabs the 18 cards needed to set itself up.
==>
You gather up the rest of your items.
Jade: Switch to Pictionary modus.
Yeah, that one's obviously not going to work.
Jade: Try out new Pictionary modus.
Ok, you start by trying to grab your LUNCHTOP.
Jade: Draw Lunchtop.
You draw a really nice looking Squiddle lunchbox on the CAPTCHALOGUE SCRIBBLEPAD.
==>
The modus recognizes what you were trying to draw and snaps it right up.
Jade: Captchalogue the beta.
Look at these fabulous beta envelopes you just drew!
Jade: Quick!
You do a very quick doodle of nothing in particular.
==>
Since you do not actually have a DUTTON PHOTO lying around, the pad captchalogues a DUTTON PHOTO GHOST IMAGE.
Jade: Draw a pumpkin.
You sketch a beautiful, succulent PUMPKIN, knowing perfectly well that a PUMPKIN GHOST IMAGE will be captchalogued, because you are quite sure there is not a PUMPKIN in this room, and there surely never will be.
==>
You captchalogue a PUMPKIN GHOST IMAGE.
Jade: Get the rest of your items.
You start by drawing your TANGLE BUDDIES.
Jade: Captchalogue bass on card with Dutton ghost image.
It's not up to you to say what card it goes on!
==>
No, that's just a ghost image of an ordinary bass.
==>
You are returned to your bedroom without the rest of your loot.
Jade: Install Beta.
You get started installing both discs.
Jade: Pester chums.
In the meantime you decide to touch base with your pals.
John: Pester Rose.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- EB: rose?
Dave: Pester Rose.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- TG: hey TG: will you open your laptop already TG: see TG: this is why you need a phone or something TG: that alerts you to important messages TG: instead of leaving them trapped TG: under three inches of fucking yarn TG: laptops dont need cozies TG: nothing needs cozies TG: cozy is a goddamn adjective TG: maybe ill crochet myself an iphone snuggly TG: what is this place anyway TG: what are you doing TG: i can see your whole damn house here if you want to get filled in or something im sort of the guy with the big picture here TG: dont make me bop you on the head with a wizard TG: ill do it TG: ok no i wont TG: yet TG: i guess ill bone up on the faq for a while TG: so i dont do anything stupid and deploy like 10 crux flangers and fuck up the whole game TG: oh my god TG: so many words TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something TG: damn TG: i cant read this shit im sorry -- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- GG: yo yooooooo!!!!!!!
John: Answer troll.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- CG: HEY JOHN.
John: Search for your father's car.
It's going to be a hike.
WV: Settle this dispute in a rational, diplomatic manner.
You settle the dispute in the only way you can presently imagine how to settle a dispute.
Jade: Deploy alchemiter.
It's almost as if this broken AIR CONDITIONING UNIT was scaled to be a perfect fit for the ALCHEMITER all along.
Jade: Deploy cruxtruder in Dave's room.
TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something TG: damn TG: i cant read this shit im sorry TT: Hold please.
==>
TG: hey wait GG: these darn birds are in the way!
Jade: Move Dave's bed to the roof.
TT: Jade is connected with you?
Jade: Deploy the cruxtruder in its place.
TG: so seriously what were you doing just now TT: I was talking to someone.
Jade: Replace television with totem lathe.
Jade: Organize Dave's puppets.
This whole place is a disorganized mess.
Jade: Tidy up Strider's apartment a little.
What the apartment needs is a woman's touch.
AR: Cautiously drink TAB.
Blech.
AR: Retrieve mysterious artifacts from ruins.
You excuse yourself for a moment and retrieve a few of your personal belongings.
WV: Introduce new friends to John.
The yellow bandaged fellow seems to have slogged off somewhere.
==>
The hole blown into the the station by the caution guy's rocket leads into the third room, which had been locked.
==>
You unlock the third room from the inside, and go to the computer room.
==>
But instead she takes note of your nice chalk drawings and pays you a compliment.
==>
You decide to give her the chalk.
==>
Suddenly a powerful aroma hits your nonexistent nostrils.
==>
You stop and examine the kind mayor's device.
I am told your name is John.
Yep.
It's nice to meet you, John.
John isn't directly cognizant of your greeting, but I'm sure he would feel likewise.
Ok, John.
Ok, have at it!
This is great!
You got a MINITABLET!
There is nothing inside.
You drop in one of your precious SHOES.
This one's empty.
Same with this one you guess.
Introduce yourself to the local amphibious fauna.
"I am a secret wizard.
Y
You wonder what the hell a secret wizard is.
Hooray!
You got an UNCARVED MINITABLET!
Open it!
You got a CHISEL.
How exciting!
You got a CHUNK OF...
Converse.
He has renamed himself Crumplehat.
A good place to keep lookout?
JOHN: nanna, are you there?
Seer, can you hear me?
Apparently she can.
Have a look around, Rose.
You have much to discover.
John: Go over the river and through the woods.
Jade: Drop the toilet in Dave's room.
==>
TG: this is the worst shitting thing ive ever seen TG: the thing that just happened GG: hi dave!!!!
Dave: Use now empty apple juice bottle as pee receptacle.
You begin to hatch a brilliant plan.
==>
Once you're done you'll captchalogue the bottle and send the code to Egbert and tell him it's something really important.
==>
But he will not be drinking delicious juice, oh no.
==>
But that all sounds like a big waste of time so you just go in the shower.
Dave: Kick that puppet out of the shower.
GG: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo GG: :( GG: dave TG: what GG: :( TG: what is it GG: dave this poor bird TG: what bird GG: the one with the sword through it!!!
Jade: Retrieve Dave's copy of Sburb and the impaled crow.
Jade: Put something weird in the seizure kernel.
==>
TG: wow awesome TG: so now i guess instead having of a wise or helpful spirit guide sprite thing TG: im stuck with this brainless feathery asshole GG: what do you mean i just brought the cute birdie back to life!!!
Jade: Wake up.
TG: where are you sitting TG: are you on your bed GG: yes why TG: what side GG: ummmmmm....
AR: Use gunpowder and empty crates to make a campfire.
AR: Win over that fine carapace in grey.
==>
You are vaguely reminded of something.
So many years ago, entrenched in the temporally oblique...
AR?
This looks much more orderly.
==>
You discover a couple of UNAUTHORIZED PARCELS in the cabin of the vehicle.
==>
You are a simple PARCEL MISTRESS on one of your routes.
==>
You stop in your tracks.
==>
But you notice he is holding two parcels.
John: Activate ghost gloves.
Sons of bitches are harder to kill than you thought they'd be.
==>
The giclops absconds.
==>
You could have sworn that strange man was holding your copy of Colonel Sassacre's.
WV, PM, AR: Stargaze.
It is a clear and peaceful night.
PM?
You conclude you have no choice.
==>
It is a carved MINITABLET.
PM?
You do not have a sword.
AR?
You doff so furiously you are in danger of starting a HAT FIRE.
PM?
He cannot give them to you.
==>
You show him the carved MINITABLET.
==>
You quickly drop the ENVELOPE into an empty PYXIS.
==>
You follow the agent.
John: Chase the man, you want your book!
You have some questions for that guy, whoever he is.
John: Save the lizards!
Ok you JUST SAID they were salamanders.
==>
OH GOD HOW CAN SHAVING CREAM BE SO FLAMMABLE
==>
A big gust of wind conveniently comes along and blows out all the fire.
==>
The townspeople rejoice and are more than willing to give you all the credit.
John, the uncarved tablet you retrieved.
Why yes, it appears you do.
Great!
You seem amenable to this request.
Your deceased pet.
JASPERSPRITE is nowhere to be found.
Is it not why you are here?
Someone is pestering you.
Follow them.
It looks like they lead out back to the mausoleum.
Examine your pet's tomb.
The mausoleum was destroyed by the explosion.
==>
It seems someone has recently untied a boat.
A mother will do whatever is best for her children.
WV: Become the mayor of Exile Town.
You build a bigger and better town to preside over.
==>
He thinks it is dumb because any town without a proper militia is as good as conquered.
WV: Fondly regard desert night.
The stars twinkle over the freshly christened EXILE TOWN.
Jade: Give Dave punch card of an eggy loking thign [sic].
Ok, you do that and then he makes a totem with it and then some other stuff happens and then...
Dave: Pester Jade.
TG: oh man TG: awesome TG: its awesome where you put that TG: i was worried we were on the verge of getting some shit done GG: duuurrrrr dave i was going to build some stairs up there durrrrrhhhhhh TG: well where are they TG: you say there will be stairs TG: and yet TG: i see no stairs GG: gosh i dont know i guess i didnt find the time to make them because i keep getting punched in the face by robots and stuff!!!!!!!
Dave: Make the world's largest omlette.
Whoops, looks like that dumb idea isn't going to happen!
==>
TG: ok so TG: the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass TG: please advise GG: i think your sprite wants to hatch it!
Jade: Deploy Punch Designix.
You can't!
Jade: Check unknown objects.
GG: ok some of these things we can deploy but some things we dont have nearly enough grist for!
Jade: Deploy green and white compact disc.
TG: what should i do with these beta copies TG: i dont really need them anymore GG: i suppose just hang on to them for a while........
==>
You take the BETA and the CD.
Jade: Deploy circuit board looking thingy.
It was obviously labeled as the JUMPER BLOCK EXTENSION.
==>
You expend another relatively affordable 100 BUILD GRIST to relocate it.
==>
You then pay the steep fee of 1000 BUILD GRIST to deploy the JUMPER BLOCK EXTENSION.
Jade: Attempt to deploy catchalogue disk drive.
Again, the name of the thing was right there in plain sight.
Dave: Insert card with the CD on the slot.
You put the card in the slot and stick the shunt on the jumper pins.
Dave: Insert disc into computer.
==>
GRISTTORRENT is now running.
Dave: Illegally pirate some of John's shale.
You start leeching off John's SHALE at a pace of 4 g/s.
Dave: Download a bunch of grist from John.
You set the application to leech off John's BUILD GRIST because he's obviously got too much for his own good.
You guide the Heir.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- EB: rose?
Who is this bothering you?
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GC: H3Y L4LOND3 GC: STOP CRY1NG 1N YOUR MOMS B3V3R4G3 GC: SH3 H4T3S YOU 4ND H4S L3FT YOU FOR3V3R GC: H3H3H3H >8D TT: Now I'm confused.
Meanwhile, the past pulls a mean double reacharound...
ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] GT: hey, happy birthday jade!
==>
The package from your pen-pal appears again.
==>
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] -- GC: H3H3 GT: uuuuugh GC: H4H4H GC: H3H3H3H3 GT: ?
==>
You think it's time to change your chumhandle.
PM?
You have followed the AUTHORITY REGULATOR into enemy territory.
==>
You have no idea where you're going.
==>
You take a turn somewhere and find an especially regal looking red carpet.
==>
The BLACK QUEEN directs you to the office of the ARCHAGENT.
This is the last you will hear from me.
==>
You return to a more typical mindset.
Rose: Sip martini thoughtfully.
Such as this one.
Fourth Exile: Suddenly appear.
A WINDSWEPT QUESTANT suddenly appears.
PM: Command John to put the carved tablet into a pyxis.
You follow the command telling you to command John to put the carved tablet in the pyxis and type, "John, put the carved tablet into the pyxis."
==>
What the hell was that???
PM?
You find the agent's office.
PM?
If you act quickly enough maybe you can grab the package and get out of here before CAN I HELP YOU
==>
Jack makes it clear he would rather stab something to death than process the avalanche of paperwork needed to release the confiscated freight.
==>
But perhaps an UNDERSTANDING can be reached.
==>
Bring him the crowns.
Jack: Examine package.
The PARCEL MISTRESS departs with her mission of double agency.
Dave: Punch some cards.
You've leeched more than enough grist from John to afford a PUNCH DESIGNIX, which for some reason Jade put in the hallway making it kind of hard to walk through your apartment, but whatever.
Dave: Put a punched card in a shunt.
You put the punched BLENDER card in a shunt just for the hell of it, and stick it on the jumper pins.
==>
The ALCHEMITER is fitted with the BLENDER UPGRADE.
Dave: Use a punched Gamebro Magazine card.
The ALCHEMITER is upgraded with a huge metal bust of this awesome bro.
Jade: Draw the punch designix.
Your inscrutable thought process leads you to draw the PUNCH DESIGNIX on your SCRIBBLEPAD.
==>
The pad recognizes the drawing, but there is no designix around, and even if there was, it would obviously be way too big to captchalogue.
Jade: Send the code to Dave.
GG: dave here punch this code!
Dave: Punch code and put it in the jumper shunty thing.
TG: so i guess this is just a built in designix TG: which is sort of cool i guess TG: since i wont have to go downstairs and bang the hallway door into the thing and squeeze through every time i want to punch a card TG: because of course you couldnt have just put it next to the alchemiter in the first place TG: but then i have to go downstairs anyway to make totems and get cruxite and stuff TG: so really who cares GG: well i think this is only one way to consolidate all the gizmo features....
Jade: Draw the holopad.
You don't have nearly enough grist to deploy the HOLOPAD, whatever it does.
==>
Looks like it worked!
Dave: Upgrade alchemiter with holopad.
The totem pedestal is converted into a holographic projector.
Jade: Draw the totem lathe.
You captcha the lathe ghost image and apply the upgrade.
Jade: Draw the jumper block.
You get the code for the jumper block extension to upgrade the alchemiter with... uh... the jumper block extension?
Dave: Upgrade.
This is getting a little abstract.
Jade: Draw the intellibeam laserstation.
This thing looks kind of complicated.
Dave: Captchalogue enlarger.
You grab the ENLARGER from your dismantled photography lab.
Dave: Upgrade.
You apply the ENLARGER UPGRADE.
Jade: Draw air conditioner on roof.
You ghost-captcha the huge air conditioner and give Dave the code to mess around with.
Dave: Make air conditioner unit.
Size of the object you make is now variable.
==>
You make a tiny AIR CONDITIONER.
John: Find the car.
You find your father's car near the base of the rock pillar.
==>
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- GC: JOHN 1TS M3 4G41N EB: who?
==>
EB: this is the worst crap i have ever seen.
Rose: Answer Dave.
TG: im building up your house TG: by the way why do you live in this weird compound TG: do you host east european industrial raves TG: nevermind the point is TG: im out of grist TG: so if youre done whipping that ogre like a rented mule TG: maybe you could convert it into a grist windfall TT: Right now?
Dave: Answer troll.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- GA: You Command The Seer GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition TG: who GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty TG: oh yeah sure TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews GA: Thats An Exotic Title GA: I Thought You Were The Knight TG: wrong what do you want GA: Have You Found Her Demeanor To Be Chilly GA: On A Basis Of Personal Interaction That Hypothetically Extends Beyond The Context Of A Short Lived And Lackluster Trolling Effort TG: what the hell GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh GA: Endearment TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs TG: so you just watch it like crack and turn black GA: Um Is This GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong TG: man wait TG: whats this about TG: you have a thing for her dont you TG: dont deny it bro its obvious GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination TG: hahahaha so terrible TG: what a transparent dodge TG: all hiding behind your alien shit TG: just admit it TG: you want me to help you win her over GA: I Just Would Like To Gather GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity TG: ok well its easy TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite TG: see not everybody always means literally what they say the way john and jade always do GA: Maddening GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns GA: Perhaps It Is The Human Riddle That Is Truly The Ultimate Riddle TG: oh my flipping christ TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark GA: I Have Been Practicing GA: Your Human Sarcasm TG: oh ok TG: that was pretty good TG: maybe even too deadpan but its a start keep at it GA: Very Well GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship TG: hahaha yes youre on a roll GA: That Was Sincerity TG: oh TG: alright look TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit TG: i mean unless youre really smooth and inherently likeable like me which youre not GA: Then GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things TG: thats kind of the obtuse alien way of getting it but yeah TG: be like TG: an antagonism ninja TG: like her TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing TG: it could be a horrible thing though GA: It Sounds Like GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again GA: Which I Have Tried GA: It Proved To Be A Fruitless Endeavor TG: yeah i guess i am TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll GA: Okay GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed TG: good luck bro
Rose: Answer troll.
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- AT: hIIII, sO, AT: yOU GET BOSSED AROUND BY THE KNIGHT, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION, TT: Who?
Rose: Answer troll.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Your Dark Spectacled Friend Has Advised Me On A More Effective Method For Trolling You GA: I Think His Contention Is That This Strategy Will Have The Opposite Of The Intended Effect And Precipitate A Sort Of Bond Between Us That Is Established In Mutual Antagonism GA: What Do You Think About This TT: I think you're shrewd to have recognized his ploy of sabotage, and you've earned my compliments.
Dave: Answer troll.
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- AT: oKAYYYY, mY BROMO SAPIEN, AT: r U READY, AT: tO GET STRAIGHT IN, FLAT DOWN, BROAD SIDE, SCHOOL FED UP THE BONE BULGE, AT: bY A DOPE SMACKED, TRINKED OUT, SMOTHER FUDGING, AT: tROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, TG: dont care AT: oK, lET ME, AT: oRGANIZE MY NOTES HERE, AT: oKAYYY, AT: (tURN ON SOME STRICT BEATS MAYBE, iT WILL HELP TO LISTEN TO THEM WHILE i DESTROY YOU,) AT: wHEN THE POLICE MAN BUSTS ME, aND POPS THE TRUNK, AT: hE'S ALL SUPRISED TO FIND I'M TOTING SICK BILLY, AT: wHOSE, AT: gOAT IS THAT, hE ASKS, wHILE HE STOPS TO THUNK AT: aBOUT IT, aND i'S JUST SAY IT'S DAVE'S, yOU SILLY AT: gOOSE, AT: bUT THE MAN SAYS, gOOSE!
John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter.
John: Give dear sweet Casey the bunny.
I got a present for you, Casey.
John: Surrender to overwhelming emotions.
John: Answer CG.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- CG: JOHN WHAT THE WET BAG OF HUMAN HORSE SHIT TO THE FACE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.
John: Answer GC.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- GC: H3H3H3H3H3 GC: JOHN STOP HUGG1NG THOS3 S4L4M4ND3RS 4ND B31NG SO STUPIDLY 4DOR4BLE GC: W3 4R3 ON 4 STR1CT CH3AT1NG T1M3T4BL3 H3R3 GC: W41T WHO 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO NOW GC: 1S 1T ON3 OF US GC: 1S 1T M3???
John: Turn around.
EB: oh, wow.
John: Examine gate.
EB: so this is the seventh gate?
WV, AR: Prepare gift for the WQ.
Meanwhile, in a long discarded memory...
A PARCEL MISTRESS seeks audience with royalty.
==>
A flurry of disquieting happenstance is related to the ADORED SOVEREIGN.
==>
Abdication is never ideal.
==>
The WHITE KING of course can be found on the BATTLEFIELD.
==>
The royal duty has been accepted.
==>
And in time, fullfilled.
Rose: Consult with Jaspersprite.
JASPERSPRITE: Meow.
==>
ROSE: Is that all you have to say?
Rose: Pester Jade.
TT: I spoke with Jaspers.
Rose: Pester Dave.
TT: Strider.
==>
TT: He's not answering.
==>
GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep!
John: Await further instruction.
GC: JOHN S33 TH4T B1G P13C3 OF JUNK TH3R3 EB: the rocket pack?
John: Captchalogue rocket pack.
EB: ok here...
John: Answer Dave.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- TG: ok im in EB: in where?
John: Captchalogue Casey.
This is absolutely no place for children.
John: Blast off.
PCHOOOOO
Dave: Consult with Calsprite.
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO DAVE: shut up CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO DAVE: no DAVE: just DAVE: god damn it CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HOO HOO HEE HEE DAVE: please DAVE: just once DAVE: shut the hell up CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HEE HEE HOO CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HEE HAA HEE HAA CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA DAVE: shut up CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA HAA CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HEE HEE HEE DAVE: shut CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO DAVE: the CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO DAVE: fuck CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO DAVE: up CALSPRITE:
Dave: Pester Rose.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- TG: thats it i cant take it anymore TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass TG: im going back TT: Already?
==>
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- TG: ok im in EB: in where?
==>
TG: ok its me from the future EB: huh?
==>
TG: he says i dunno gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to EB: this is like some terrible april fools prank.
==>
DAVE: hey DAVESPRITE: sup
Rose: Pester Dave.
TT: Strider.
Rose: Prepare for nap.
You bundle up your knittings into a cozy nest.
Future Dream Rose: Cease to exist.
Davesprite: Troll GC.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] -- TG: dont talk to john anymore hes an impressionable doofus TG: your plan didnt work TG: i mean it did TG: but then suddenly it didnt TG: so you might as well quit trying GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S TG: what TG: youre aliens do you even have orange creamsicles GC: OF COURS3 WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL C1V1L1Z4T1ON WOULDNT 1NV3NT OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S GC: NOT ON3 1D W4NT 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH TG: ok pretty far fetched but whatever TG: no more hijinks from you cause ill make sure they wont work GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1 KN3W 1T W4SNT GO1NG TO WORK GC: MY FR13NDS H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO JOHN FROM TH3 FUTUR3 GC: YOUR FUTUR3 GC: WH3R3 H3S NOT D34D GC: SO TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y WH4T 1 D1D W4S GO1NG TO K1LL H1M GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M3SS W1TH H1M 4ND STUFF TG: i dont think youre following TG: you DID kill him sort of TG: then i went back in time to stop him GC: Y34H 1 G3USS3D TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T M1GHT H4PP3N TG: alright but TG: did you guess that by trolling john to his grave TG: and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline TG: that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along TG: where future me is now helping dave and we just keep playing TG: and our actions ultimately lead to the trouble youre all in now TG: thus leading you all to troll us incompetently GC: OH GC: NO >:[ GC: 1 D1DNT TH1NK OF TH4T TG: yeah TG: see TG: none of you ever thinks anything through TG: whos in charge of timeline management there TG: i gotta give him the business GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU GC: 4ND H4S M1SG1V1NGS 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 TH4T 3NTHUS1AST1C 4BOUT TROLL1NG YOU GUYS GC: 4ND TH3 ON3S WHO 4R3 SORT OF SUCK 4T 1T >:| TG: well at least you got john to off himself so i guess youre not totally incompetent like the others TG: like that awful rapper GC: SO JOHN 4CTU4LLY D1D WH4T 1 S41D?
Davesprite: Chill with Dave.
DAVE: who were you talking to DAVESPRITE: just telling a troll to step off DAVE: ok cool DAVE: so now that youre a sprite DAVE: do you know everything about the game DAVESPRITE: well i knew a lot anyway DAVESPRITE: cause im from the future DAVESPRITE: but yeah i know more stuff now DAVESPRITE: like things meant specifically for sprites to clue players in on DAVESPRITE: but packaged in these like DAVESPRITE: i guess riddles DAVESPRITE: im supposed to be cagey about it DAVESPRITE: but i dont really feel like it DAVESPRITE: ask me anything go ahead ill give you a straight answer DAVE: alright DAVE: here goes DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome DAVESPRITE: thats the best fucking question anybody ever asked DAVE: yeah DAVE: so is everything cool with this john business DAVE: is he gonna be ok DAVESPRITE: thats up to him DAVESPRITE: if he decides to wise up and listen to us DAVESPRITE: if not then we just bail everyone out yet again DAVE: ok DAVESPRITE: all that gear you picked up should let you breeze through the first couple gates DAVESPRITE: even at a low level DAVESPRITE: later youll unlock the ability to bring your sprite down with you DAVESPRITE: and well take care of shit together DAVESPRITE: til then i guess just mess around and let jade build up or whatever DAVESPRITE: ill go kill some time DAVESPRITE: maybe draw some comics DAVE: like what DAVESPRITE: i dont know DAVESPRITE: whats the last one you did DAVE: i was in the middle of the nancho party arc DAVESPRITE: oh yeah DAVESPRITE: i gave up on that half way through DAVE: yeah that was sorta the plan DAVE: making a ten part story about nachos was always a bullshit idea DAVESPRITE: lets do some brainstorming later DAVESPRITE: blow everyones minds DAVE: yeah sure
Meanwhile, hundreds of pages ago...
You open the package.
==>
It is a STUFFED BUNNY.
so hey
so hey since its your bday i had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so i got you this godawful thing and now i just know youre standing there flipping your shit over it so youre welcome.
John: Get pestered by Dave.
TG: did you blast off like a spazzy douche yet or what EB: yeah, of course!
John: Get trolled by CG.
CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE.
AH: Engage in highly indulgent self-insertion into story.
What?
AH: Examine wall.
You really wish your side of the wall had an off switch.
AH: Forget it.
You're just going to ask me to recap Homestuck though.
AH: Recap first year of Homestuck.
Homestuck began on April 13th, 2009, the 13th birthday of our chief protagonist and future boy-skylark, John Egbert.
AH: I didn't read any of that.
> MSPA Reader: Shut the hell up.
AH: Retrieve arm from background.
Huh?
AH: Why don't you keep drawing Homestuck or something.
Oh, but I don't merely draw Homestuck...
Ok.
I CONJURE THIS INTREPID FANTASYSCAPE WITH TEARS BLED FROM THE WISDOM-WEARY EYES OF FIFTY THOUSAND IMAGINARY MAGICIANS.
AH: This is stupid.
Alright.
AH: Can you show us what's going on with John again?
Sure.
AH: That sounds like a good idea.
Oh!
Switch wall's view to show us what's going on with John.
You decide that's entirely enough of that.
John: Answer GC.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file "LOW4SM4P.FL4" -- EB: what's this?
John: Proceed to the second gate.
John: Enter.
You spend the next twenty minutes staring at this image before you realize it's not a Flash file.
John: Get up.
Despite the pandemonium of your entrance, Rose is still sound asleep.
John: Answer Dave.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- TG: wow ok TG: youre a little early TG: but thats fine i guess TG: also you suck at rockets EB: ARGH!
John: Snoop.
TG: ok i dont know what youre doing here TG: but i think we can both agree that youve got to rummage through as much of her shit as possible before she wakes up EB: man, i don't know how i feel about that!
John: Pick up books.
TG: now i need you to do something else TG: this is important TG: like for important game reasons and stuff TG: take the card the books are on TG: flip it over EB: umm...
John: Check Rose's bookshelf.
You eye your birthday package again curiously.
John: Look at a book.
You find a book full of beautiful poetry and groundbreaking philosophical thinking by American Sports Legend, Charles Barkley.
John: Take book.
You captchalogue Rose's autographed copy of THIS OCEAN CHARLES.
John: Oh, just open the package already.
You can't take it anymore.
John,
John, I never got to thank you properly for your gift.
John: Put the bunny back in the box.
This gift from Rose is so cool.
John: Take box.
You gently CHAOS DUNK the fragile bunny back in the box and captchalogue it.
John: Deploy beloved daughter.
You release dear, precious Casey.
John: Answer troll.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species GA: I Have To Start Somewhere GA: And Somewhen GA: So I Am Starting With You GA: And Now GA: Its Going To Be Pointless And Unpleasant GA: Mostly For Me GA: Actually You Know What GA: Im Not Really Feeling This At All GA: Goodbye TT: she's not here right now, she's asleep!
==>
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] GA: If Youre Not Too Busy Still Setting Up The Network GA: Perhaps You Could Come Show Me How To Activate The Viewport TA: ii am iin fact two bu2y 2tiill 2ettiing iit up.
[S] Rose and Dave: Shut up and jam.
Dave shows you some of his sweet gear.
Rose: First, be the pony.
You are now the pony.
Maplehoof: Enter.
You go in the ruins.
Maplehoof: Follow scent.
Good grief, look at all this grist.
Maplehoof: Collect grist.
You pick up all the grist, and store it in Rose's GRIST CACHE.
Maplehoof: Proceed.
Rose's MOM stands on a small platform and disappears.
John: First, be the hat.
Rose stops being the pony just in time for John to start being the hat.
==>
THE BREEZE carries you to where you need to go.
==>
You settle in front of a man in sore need of a fresh hat.
John: Visit Rose's alchemiter.
You decide to try out the code Davesprite gave you.
John: Make item.
The thing is huge, and costs a fortune.
John: Shrink it down.
You use the alchemiter's scaling upgrade to reduce it to a more manageable and affordable size.
John: Pester Davesprite.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- EB: so what is this?
Rose: Check out Dave's computer.
It seems you have a visitor.
TA: Fix GA's computer.
There's nothing to fix.
Rose: Examine laptop.
Someone has been using your Pesterchum account.
Rose: Go find John.
You hurry to the door so you can catch John before he goes gallivanting off somewhere.
Rose: Proceed through door uneventfully.
You get dumped on by a bucket full of HELLACIOUS BLUE PHLEGM ANEURYSM GUSHERS as a thoughtful but mischievous thank you gesture from John.
John: Equip trusty rocket.
Rose obviously isn't waking up any time soon.
==>
Why, Doctor Meowgon... do you want to come along for the ride?
==>
Where is he off to now?
Dave: Be the puppet.
You have no idea what the hell that means.
==>
Ok, this is the most ridiculous thing you have ever seen.
==>
You spy a boat on the shore of one of the islands below.
John: Investigate.
Hoofprints in the sand.
John: Enter.
There are many frightening and powerful monsters in here.
John: Aggress.
You stun them with the cool time powers of your awesome new hammer, and then dispatch them swiftly.
John: Collect spoils.
The good Doctor Spengler helps you gather the riches.
John: Proceed.
There's a platform over here.
John: Explore lab.
Now what in the hell is going on in here.
John: Explore lab further.
Now what in the hell is going on in here.
John: Who cares, just ride the pony already.
YES.
==>
But seriously what in the hell is going on in here.
John: But seriously, keep exploring.
You find a sweet getup.
John: Put it on.
You equip the JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGIST'S LAB SUIT.
John: Examine nearby station.
NOW WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE???
AR?
You fail to resist the urge.
AR?
These hops are unreal.
PM?
You have traveled to Prospit's moon to board a shuttle headed for the BATTLEFIELD.
==>
You have unwittingly been tailed by a nefarious COURTYARD DROLL from Derse.
==>
You pilfer the WHITE QUEEN'S RING.
PM?
None the wiser, you board the shuttle.
==>
You receive an incoming message from the DRACONIAN DIGNITARY.
==>
The best way to remind yourself that you're carrying a ring is to put it on your finger.
==>
Of course that was just an imaginary transformation, since the ring doesn't work like that on humans.
Meanwhile, in a Timeless Expanse...
Somewhere, a WARWEARY VILLEIN rues eternal struggle between feuding royalty.
Rose: Alchemize a whole bunch of cool stuff.
Rose: Combine hub and laptop.
You make the HUBTOP.
Rose: Combine bronzed vacuum and umbrella.
You make the BRONZED VACUUMBRELLA.
Rose: Combine salamander and eldritch plush.
You make a HUGGABLE SOFT SALAMANCER PLUSH.
Rose: Combine ink bottle and Gushers.
You make a box of BODACIOUS BLACK LIQUID SORROW GUSHERS.
Rose: Combine hubtop and hair band.
You make the HUBTOPBAND, a convenient hands-free computing device.
Rose: Combine magnetic W and bottle of vodka.
You make a bottle of MAGNETIC WODKA.
Rose: Combine wizard statue and ball of yarn.
You make a ball of SILKEN WIZARDBEARD YARN (WITH MAGICAL PROPERTIES).
Rose: Combine wizard statue and knitting needles.
You make a pair of NEEDLEWANDS.
Rose: Combine knittings and velvet pillow and squiddle shirt
You make a stylish VELVET SQUIDDLEKNIT DRESS.
Rose: Combine needlewands and grimoire.
You make the THORNS OF OGLOGOTH.
Rose: Aggrieve encroaching malefactors.
==>
WELCOME TO THE PARTY MOTHERFUCKERS
Jade: Build.
You take advantage of Dave's nap to make some architectural headway on his building.
==>
You are really proud of your floorplan.
==>
Speaking of naps, you have been asleep for some time yourself.
Dave: Wake up and jam.
And by jam you mean alchemize of course.
Dave: Combine sunglasses and iPhone.
You make a pair of iSHADES.
Dave: Combine timetables and computer.
You make the TURNTOP.
Dave: Combine puppet tux + smuppet.
You upgrade the PUPPET TUX future Dave made.
Dave: Combine broken Caledscratch and ruby contraband.
You combine a couple more items you got from future Dave's loot stash.
Dave: Preview item with holopad.
You momentarily reconfigure your alchemiter upgrades to make use of the HOLOPAD EXTENSION.
Dave: Combine whole Caledscratch and ruby contraband.
Out of curiosity you try it again with a whole sword.
Dave: Combine shitty sword and Hella Jeff drawing.
You use one of your BRO'S really shitty swords from the fridge and a printout of Hella Jeff to make a SORD.....
Dave: Combine Snoop Dogg photo and mini A/C and Caledscratch
You make the SNOOP DOGG SNOW CONE MACHETE.
Dave: Combine skateboard and Hella Jeff drawing.
You make UNREAL AIR.
Dave: Make another one.
You just make another one.
Dave: Combine Gamebro Magazine and timetables.
You turn back the clock and make a VINTAGE GAMEBRO.
Dave: Combine batarang + Midnight Crew poster.
You make a whole pile of SUITARANGS because they are really cool and pretty cheap.
Dave: Combine plush puppet tux + Midnight Crew poster.
You make FOUR ACES SUITED.
Dave: Combine plush puppet tux + Felt poster.
This would make the FELT DUDS, if you had some of whatever that green grist is.
Dave: Combine smuppet and Felt poster.
You make a JUTTING OUT AND IMPUDENT FELT PLUSH.
Dave: Combine dead things in amber && smuppet.
You make a FOAM MUTANT SMUPPET ENCASED IN AMBER.
Dave: Combine dead things in amber || smuppet.
For the sake of science, you ||-combine them instead of &&-combine.
Dave: Combine fetus in a jar and Mr.
You make the FOAM FETAL MR.
==>
You're looking pretty chill with your new freakshow entourage.
Dave: Combine camera and captchalogue card.
You make the CAPTCHAROID CAMERA.
Dave: Take photo of self.
You take one of your patented ironic cool guy self portraits.
Dave: Combine fetus in a jar and self portrait photo.
That would apparently make DAVE'S BRAIN IN A JAR.
Dave: Captcharoid the hologram of your own brain.
Ok, that's probably the weirdest thing you've ever done, but ok.
Dave: Combine brain and SBaHJ drawing and captcharoid camera
You make the SBAHJIFIER.
Dave: Try it out.
Looks like it automatically prints out a SBaHJ comic in some way related to whatever you take a picture of.
Dave: Make copies of Rose's journals.
Can't forget the most important thing you came up here to make.
Dave: Take a look.
One book is titled "MEOW".
Dave: Read it.
MWOEWEOWOEOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWOEWEOWMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWEOWOEW MEWMMWOMEWEOWEOEWOMOWEMWMOEWEOEMWMOMMWEMWOMWEWWMWMWOEWEO MWMWOWEOWMEOMEWEMOMWEMWMOEWMOEWMOEWMWEWOMEWMOEMWOMEWMEWE MWMOEOMMMOMOMOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMOWWMWWMWMOEWEO OOMOMOEEOMWMWEOWEOMWMOWMWEOMWEMWOWMWOEOMWEOMWWWMWEWEWEWO WOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWE OWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWEWEOWEOEWOMOWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEW EWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEW EWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWO WEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEM MMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWM WMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWM OWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEO WMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOM WEMMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWW MWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWE OMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMW
==>
To no surprise at all, this book is full of more MEOW letters.
Dave: Read Complacency of the Learned.
Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock.
==>
This wizard story seems really involved and kind of confusing.
Dave: Go get a bookmark.
You return to your room in search of a bookmark.
==>
You drop it on the john in case you're looking for some reading material later.
Dave: Pester.
TG: whoa why are you burning your wizard fanfiction TT: I'm not.
Davesprite: Also pester.
TG: so really why are you burning that TT: I just explained this to Other Dave.
Dave: Chill with Davesprite.
DAVE: so it was pretty funny how i made a copy of roses evil book right before she burned it and now she doesnt know about it DAVESPRITE: i know its crazy what kind of foresight this guy has DAVESPRITE: im telling you coincidences like that are unreal they dont even happen DAVESPRITE: most of the time DAVE: the best thing about how i did that is how it in no way will ever come back to bite us in the ass ever DAVESPRITE: dude our shit is SAFE DAVE: so safe DAVESPRITE: gonna sleep pretty sound tonight DAVESPRITE: with that big fucking payload of safety you just got dropped on us DAVESPRITE: gonna be all huggin my pillow and shit DAVESPRITE: grinning like a goddamn bear full of honey DAVE: safer than some flintstone vitamins in a bottle DAVE: keep twisting junior all you get is clicks DAVESPRITE: asshole thinks its candy DAVESPRITE: doesnt even know he just stepped on a security rake and got a face full of fucking safety DAVE: yeah DAVE: anyway guess ill go back down and burn that book DAVESPRITE: alright
Dave: Go back in time and stop the thief.
It looks like you already tried that.
Dave: Throw yourself out the window.
You ditch the body before Jade sees it.
John: Press a button on the control panel.
You push one of the nearby buttons.
John: Examine monitor.
The monitor displays a town on the west coast of the United States.
John: Zoom in.
An old woman is escorted by her son on a lovely day.
==>
A meteor overhead looms unnoticed.
==>
They witness the destruction of the facility.
==>
You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the woman you recognize to be your grandmother.
==>
The ghost sludge is sucked into a glass tube.
John: => SWITCH 4
You switch to a monitor displaying a view of a remote island in the Pacific, on December 3rd, 1995.
John: Zoom in.
A renowned billionaire explorer approaches on his yacht.
==>
A meteor overhead streaks unnoticed, headed toward an unseasonably warm city in the central United States.
John: Press blue button.
You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the man you spotted in the woods with your book.
John: => SWITCH 3
You switch to a view of an unseasonably warm city in the central United States, on December 4th, 1995.
John: Zoom in.
An outrageously awesome dude stands before a crater where his favorite record shop stood one day prior.
==>
He is prepared for the occasion with a small pair of outrageously awesome shades.
John: Press blue button.
You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the outrageously awesome dude.
John: => SWITCH 2
You switch again to a view of your neighborhood, on April 13th, 1996.
John: Zoom in.
A professional lady and new mother has traveled from the opposite coast at the behest of a famous and wealthy scientist to study one of numerous recent celestial anomalies while he is on expedition.
==>
An old mother lost today, but a new son gained.
==>
The gentleman discovers a clue.
==>
But the monitor has not lost track of the lady.
John: Press blue button.
You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the professional lady.
==>
Four young PARADOX CLONES are created.
John: There's one more button to push.
Ectobiology sure does involve a lot of button pushing.
==>
One pair of tubes empties the sludge into the chamber below.
John: Scale echeladder.
You storm up your ECHELADDER to claim the coveted if difficult to pronounce rung: ECTOBIOLOBABYSITTER.
==>
You surpass ONE MILLION BOONDOLLARS and trade them all in for a single whopping BOONBUCK.
Navigating the veil nearby...
An old man has much to do before he returns to Earth, dies, gets stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter-slash-grand-daughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace.
CG: Troll John.
CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT.
John: Tend to little pink monkeys.
They're scramblin' all over the place!
John: Get trolled by CG again.
CG: OK IT'S A FEW MINUTES LATER.
AR?
You are ripping up so many hellaceous shreds this fierceshitty biznasty is getting so deliriously rudebrazen it...
==>
This thing is so completely illegal.
AR?
There is a large elevator platform ahead.
AR?
Below there is a dark cavernous room.
AR?
Deeper into the darkness of the room there is some complicated lab equipment.
AR?
There is a large monitor.
==>
Eight days prior, the orphan girl was taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist.
==>
There is an explosion in the colonel's back yard.
==>
The colonel and his new grand daughter investigate.
==>
People would think reports of the man's death were greatly exaggerated.
==>
This is exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols.
==>
An old colonel lost, but a new brother gained.
AR?
Thirteen years later, the boy develops a taste for adventure.
==>
This all seems pointless to you, and immaterial to the crime that has been committed.
==>
It is a high ranking agent from your kingdom.
==>
He appears to be holding some notebooks.
==>
Only one of the books is useful to him.
==>
The TIME CAPSULE stores the seed, and on account of some default setting, is programmed to bloom several hundred million years from now.
==>
The agent approaches another device near the large monitor.
John: Get trolled by CG in sane and linear manner.
CG: OK, I GOT BACK TO YOU.
==>
EB: who is jack noir?
[S] John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter.
==>
It'll be a few more pages.
Dave: Get trolled by GC.
GC: D4V3 WH4TS 1T SM3LL L1K3 TG: what GC: YOUR BLOOD TG: fuck off GC: D4V3 GC: G1V3 1T 4 L1TTL3 T4ST3 FOR M3 GC: T3LL M3 WH4T HUM4N BLOOD T4ST3S L1K3 GC: 1V3 B33N SO CUR1OUS >:] TG: youre the annoying blind one arent you GC: Y34H TG: dave told me about you GC: GOD GC: TOO M4NY D4V3S GC: 1TS L1K3 TH1S B1G 4SSHOL3 4ND COOL GUY P4RTY GC: BUT SOM3ON3 FORGOT TO 1NV1T3 4LL TH3 COOL GUYS GC: >;] TG: man im telling you burns like that are unreal TG: where do you even get a burn thats that sick GC: I B3T YOU C4NT W41T TO B3 4 US3L3SS P13C3 OF SH1T 4LL D4Y 4ND F4LL DOWN 4LL TH3S3 BURNS TG: no you messed that up GC: D4V3 D4V3 GC: 1S TH1S YOU GC: http://tinyurl.com/PUR3D4V3 TG: uh GC: PFF4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 TG: did you try to draw shades on his face and miss TG: whats even the point hes already wearing shades GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 GC: 1TS SO P3RF3CT TH4T 1S SO YOU GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H TG: this is moronic GC: D4V3 T3LL M3 WH4T YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS L1K3 GC: OR 1LL M4K3 4NOTH3R ON3 GC: 4ND 1 KNOW TH3S3 HURT YOUR F33L1NGS GC: >:D TG: i dont know what it smells like or tastes like TG: but i sure as hell know what it looks like TG: like a fuckin symphony on my retinas TG: shit is beautiful like a little vermilion picnic on my hands TG: every day i open my eyes i find poetry in even the simplest things TG: just one of those little joys in life you take for granted you know TG: this miraculous gift of vision GC: D4V3 D4V3 GC: CH3CK 1T OUT GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT GC: TH1S H4S GOT TO B3 YOU!
Jade: Get trolled by AT.
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] -- AT: jADE, hI, iS YOUR ROBOT NEARBY, GG: ummmmmm.....
Rose: Get trolled by GA.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Hello Again GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time GA: I Would Speculate That If We Are Not By Now Then It Is Probably Not To Be TT: Pardon?
Dave: Keep getting trolled by GC.
GC: D4V3 D4V3 GC: 1 F1N4LLY GOT 1T TG: oh hell GC: 1 F1N4LLY F1GUR3D 1T OUT GC: ONC3 4ND FOR 4LL GC: TH1S 1S YOU!!!!!!!
Hours in the future...
The warweary calls another broken planet home, another cloth his garb.
the recent past is recalled...
An ACCURSED MASCOT is located among fallen brethren.
==>
A RAG OF SOULS drifts from the heavens.
==>
A boy finds a dead friend.
==>
The boy sees himself in a cloud.
Hours in the future...
A mistress becomes a mendicant.
the recent past is recalled...
A communication device is borrowed.
==>
The slayer is summoned.
==>
The droll is beckoned.
==>
The boy finds the castle.
==>
The mail is delivered.
==>
The package is opened.
==>
There is another letter from a different author...
dear john,
dear john, happy birthday!!!!!!!
==>
A boy's grief is interrupted.
==>
The toy has taken a new master.
Hours in the future...
A regulator becomes a renegade.
the recent past is recalled...
A temple is fled.
==>
A nearby laboratory is also revisited.
==>
A sleeping boy is found.
==>
The lab is in flight.
==>
Another public servant makes a sacrifice.
==>
A tyrant is retreating.
==>
A grandfather mourns.
Hours in the future...
Her journey through the windswept must be walked alone.
==>
A command station, repaired.
==>
There's another cloud.
==>
And inside, a dark laboratory, unused for years.
==>
And inside, a FOURTH WALL, pilfered from a bureaucrat's office and absconded with years ago.
Recap 2.
Picking up from where we left off...
ACT 5 ==>
Elsewhere in paradox space, we examine another planet, forgotten by time.
Try again.
That is much better.
Hivebent
This young troll stands in his respiteblock.
Enter name.
You enter something predictably derogatory and this guy gets fed up by your shenanigans in record time.
Try again.
Your name is KARKAT VANTAS.
Karkat: Examine slimy purple pod.
It is your RECUPERACOON full of nourishing SOPOR SLIME.
Karkat: Get in.
Ok, this sure is cozy and all, but you can't be napping all day like a chump.
Karkat: Examine movie posters.
Ok, it's time to get serious here.
Karkat: Captchalogue sickle.
You grab your trusty SICKLE with your ENCRYPTION MODUS.
Karkat: Take card vault.
GOD.
Karkat: Examine large black book.
You make quite sure NOT to captchalogue it, and simply pick it up and read it.
======>
It is a thick programming manual called "~ATH - A HANDBOOK FOR THE IMMINENTLY DECEASED."
Karkat: Leave your room.
You step outside your respiteblock, onto one of your hive's numerous extraterraneal landing slats.
Karkat: Examine neighborhood.
The lawnrings are empty.
======>
You don't have time for fancy poetry.
Karkat: Go back inside.
You head back into your block and hit up your computer station.
Karkat: Check out magazine.
It's the latest issue of GAME GRUB.
Karkat: Check out DVD.
It is a DVD of one of your favorite series, THE THRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR.
Karkat: Get down to business on computer.
Ok enough messing around time to get some work done maybe a little programming or oh god.
Karkat: Answer troll.
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] TC: wHaT iS uUuUuP mY iNvErTeBrOtHeR?
======>
Whoa what the motherfuck, who's this motherfuckin' motherfucker?
Enter name.
Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA.
Gamzee: Captchalogue bottle of Faygo.
You snag a bottle of FAYGO.
Gamzee: Captchalogue computer.
You take your HUSKTOP.
Gamzee: Ride one wheel device.
You decide to give this diabolical contraption another shot.
======>
You do some sort of acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle and into a big pile of horns.
Gamzee: Sample delicious pie cooling on the counter.
It is still piping hot but you can't help yourself.
Gamzee: Take a juggling club.
You grab a JUGGLING CLUB.
Gamzee: Go outside.
You leave your hive and head out to the beach.
======>
Someone is bugging you.
Gamzee: Retrieve husktop.
You say a short prayer to your beloved MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS, and splash a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST in your face.
======>
Your sylladex launches your beverage far, far into the ocean.
======>
You wonder if you can just...
Gamzee: Answer troll.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3??
Karkat: Get some programming done.
Finally some peace and quiet.
Karkat: Check out one of his files.
This code, when executed, immediately causes the user's computer to explode, and places a curse on the user forever, along with everyone he knows, and everyone he'll ever meet.
Karkat: Answer troll.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] TA: KK dont fliip your 2hiit about thii2 but iim 2ettiing you up two play a game wiith 2ome people.
======>
Sounds like someone downstairs is getting pretty crabby.
======>
Why, who's this young lady?
Enter name.
Your name is TEREZI PYROPE.
Terezi: Cut to the chase and begin LARPing immediately.
It's pretty hard to live action role play when there is no one who is alive nearby.
======>
Most of the interrogation is in the intimidating silence.
Terezi: Slap him around a bit.
======>
You don't want to slap too hard.
Terezi: Call a witness.
Oh, well played, Lemonsnout.
======>
The prosecution begs your pardon, dear senator, but you appear to have dropped something.
Terezi: Sentence the criminal.
As the prosecutor, it is your job to reach a final verdict and sentence the reprehensible felon, while His Tyranny watches in silence and submits grim approval.
Terezi: Flip.
The coin tumbles through the air.
======>
A favorable flip.
======>
But, what are you so happy about, Mr.
======>
SHE'S BLIND, REMEMBER?
Terezi: Adjourn.
Another triumph for justice.
======>
You sure had to go to a lot of trouble to do that.
Terezi: Go get cane.
You take your WALKING CANE, which you use as a weapon kind of like Earth Daredevil who you've never heard of.
Terezi: Begin recruiting red team members.
Your nose begins scouring your chumproll through the saliva smears on your monitor for potential teammates so you can start playing.
Terezi: Troll AC.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] GC: *GC L4NDS ON YOUR WH3LP1NG STOOP 4ND R4PS ON YOUR C4V3 W1TH H3R NOBL3 4ND 3L3G4NT T4LON* GC: *4ND ONC3 W1TH H3R M1GHTY SNOUT FOR GOOD M34SUR3* AC: :33 < *ac saunters from her dark cave a little bit sl33py from the recent kill* AC: :33 < *ac uses one of her mouths to lick the fresh blood off her paws* AC: :33 < *and the other one to blow you a kiss!
Terezi: Troll TC.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3??
Terezi: Deal with Karkat.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] CG: HEY GUESS WHAT, BIG NEWS.
A little later...
After the KNIGHT OF BLOOD'S heroic arrival to the LAND OF PULSE AND HAZE...
======>
You quickly crafted a new weapon, HOMES SMELL YA LATER.
Karkat: Deal with Terezi.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] CG: YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT.
======>
You're not sure why you did that, really.
A little later...
Somewhere else entirely...
======>
Rubbish from the LAND DWELLERS.
And later still...
We return to the Land of Pulse and Haze, so that we can rewind a bit.
Karkat: Deal with crabby customer.
You go downstairs and confront your custodian, which is another term for a frightening beast known as a LUSUS NATURAE.
[S???]
You leap into the domestic fray in an attempt to mollify your nannying aggressor.
======>
In fact, we are in such a hurry, you could almost say we need to get moving...
Yeah.
There's this pretty cool dude, ok?
======>
Ok, what's her name?
======>
It appears this cool and moody dude had a change of heart.
Enter name.
Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR.
Sollux: Equip throwing stars to strife specibus.
Why would you do that?
Sollux: Fling stars specibus-ward.
You make short work of the specibus and...
Sollux: Taste honey.
No!!!!!!!!!
Sollux: Calm those bees down.
Nap time.
Sollux: Get to work at computer.
You are always up to your nook in the newest and hottest games.
Sollux: Recruit team leader.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] TA: TZ you want two be the leader of one of the team2?
Sollux: Deal with apocalypseArisen.
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] AA: did y0u set up the teams TA: 2tiill workiing on iit but yeah more or le22.
Sollux: Abort.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore.
======>
You are highly startled by the totally unexpected explosion.
======>
Karkat and his friends and everyone they would ever meet thereafter would experience great misfortune on account of the curse unwittingly implemented through Sollux's esoteric MOBIUS DOUBLE REACHAROUND VIRUS.
======>
The game has no explicit rule that demands something dead for prototyping.
Sollux: Lament.
Why did you send Karkat that code?
Sollux: Delete.
While deleting your virus folders, you pause on one oddball file you have lying around.
======>
But Sollux, even with his vision twofold, does not have the perceptional luxuries of our vision omnipresent.
======>
Sounds like your lusus is agitated about something up there.
======>
You keep your enormous BICYCLOPS chained to the roof of your COMMUNAL HIVE STEM.
Be the other girl.
You are now one of the five other girls.
Stop being the other girl.
You are now no longer the other girl, or any of the other five for that matter.
Enter name.
Your name is TAVROS NITRAM.
Tavros: Cut to the chase and play card games immediately.
You kickstart a rousing match of FIDUSPAWN, with the only friend you've got to play with in person, your loyal lusus TINKERBULL.
======>
HORSARONI, I CHOOSE YOU!!!!!!
Tavros: Command faithful steed.
With a brooding whinny, Horsaroni shuffles his mighty hooves and makes short work of the fidusucker, boosting his vitals!
Tavros: Horsaroni: Spawntech -> Slumberbuddies.
You use your awesome bestial communion abilities and bend the ferocious stallion to your whim.
======>
Good game everybody.
Tavros: Roll up your ramp.
This is how you get up to your recuperacoon when it's time to rest.
Tavros: Hop in.
You can't fit all the way in because of your huge horns.
Tavros: Take lance.
After a major cleanup rigmarole and a lot of crawling around your respiteblock, you equip your JOUSTING LANCE.
======>
You like to practice your jousting outside.
Tavros: Admire posters.
You wheel over to your favorite poster featuring PUPA PAN, which is your favorite thing.
Way in the future...
Over the course of your long journey, at one point you were fitted with a cool pair of robolegs.
======>
You were lucky enough to have a friend who didn't mind getting her hands dirty on account of your best interest.
======>
The guy who likes to build robots just stood there and watched.
And way back again...
But before that you had to scoot around in your wheel device throughout the various worlds of the Medium, and endure all sorts of follies related to your disability, which on account of their great plurality and marginal relevance we will not get to see.
Tavros: Deal with AG.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] AG: Taaaaaaaavros.
Tavros: Rap with TC.
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] TC: mOtHeRfUcK mY bRoThEr, Im So SoRrY i KiNd Of ZoNeD oUt ThErE.
======>
You make your way through the burning woods to meet the lusus you never had.
======>
Since the world is about to end anyway, you suppose it no longer matters if the DOOMSDAY SCALE is tipped.
======>
The counterweight is the skull of an ancient mother grub, slain thousands of solar sweeps ago.
======>
While she slept in her egg, she would communicate with you in your sleep.
======>
As you learned, your dreams became more vivid.
======>
The young lusus would take to the sky and promptly get herself killed.
======>
The dragon never smelled it coming.
======>
The doomsday device would display the amount of time you had to get back to your hive and enter the Medium before the forest was destroyed.
Be the other other girl.
You are now the other other girl.
Render the girl in a more symbolic manner.
That's better.
Enter name.
Your name is ARADIA MEGIDO.
Aradia: Retrieve computer.
It's not up to you to decide what you retrieve from your sylladex.
======>
Looks like the spirits are being cooperative today, if a bit cryptic, as usual.
======>
Who's this douchebag?
======>
You found this baffling artifact some time ago on one of your digs.
Aradia: Humor GA.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] GA: Hi Again Aradia AA: 0h n0000000 GA: So I Guess Tonight Is The Night You Blow Everything Up AA: 0_0 GA: Is There Nothing I Can Do To Change Your Mind AA: n0 AA: 0r yes AA: yes theres n0thing AA: and n0 y0u cant AA: but y0u sh0uldnt pretend as if y0u believe this has anything t0 d0 with the state 0f my mind AA: 0r the decisi0ns it will make 0r has already made GA: Yeah I Guess Not GA: I Thought Id Be Friendly Though GA: And Remind You That You Do In Fact Have A Hand In All The Terrible Things That Are About To Happen GA: Because Thats What Friends Are For GA: And The Fact That What Ensues Will Be Terrible GA: Is An Immutable Fact I Am Stating For The Record GA: And The Fact That We Will Not Be On The Same Team Is Similarly Immutable GA: It Does Not Mean That Teamwork Is What Isnt Taking Place Here AA: s0rry i didnt f0ll0w that GA: Ill Be Here To Help GA: If You Need Me AA: 0k AA: thanks
======>
Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
Aradia: Check on Sollux.
You then had a conversation we already read, which began like this: AA: did y0u set up the teams And ended like this: AA: im c0ming up And then you went up.
======>
Hmm, you wonder what she wants.
Aradia: Get bugged by AG.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiia!
Be the mysterious spider girl.
You try to be the mysterious spider girl and fail.
Sollux: Get back to Aradia.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] TA: aradiia ii would liike two apologiize, ii flew off the handle there.
Sollux: Look out window.
Ok, looking out this lousy stupid goddamn window.
Much later...
When you would finally wake up, you'd discover all of your teammates had connected to each other and entered the Medium.
Sollux: Wake up.
The mind honey.
======>
YOU DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE EAT THE MIND HONEY
======>
Since that moody kid is busy flipping his bifurcated lid, we might as well take a moment to get to know this silly cat girl.
Enter name.
Your name is NEPETA LEIJON.
Nepeta: Retrieve claws from arms.
You are always wearing your CLAW GLOVES.
Nepeta: Scratch lusus behind ears.
She sure enjoys a good scratch!
======>
Later there was a cave-in.
Nepeta: Examine computer.
You saunter over to your DRAWING TABLET COMPUTER.
Nepeta: Answer Karkat.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] CG: HEY.
Nepeta: Consult with friend on the matter.
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] AC: :33 < *ac twitches her friendly whiskers at ct* CT: D --> Hi AC: :33 < *ct purrplexes over where he put that important wrench that he n33ded for building a fancy robot or something* AC: :33 < *he says, now where did that silly old wrench go??
Nepeta: Give Tavros the bad news.
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] AC: :33 < *ac curls up in tavroses lap* AT: oKAY, *i, AT: fOR THE TIME BEING, aND, AT: fOR THE SAKE OF THIS FANTASY SCENARIO, i PRETEND, AT: tHAT MY CAT ALLERGIES AREN'T THAT BAD,* AC: :33 < *ac takes a long nap* AC: :33 < *and then wakes up and frowns because she has bad news* AT: *oH NO,* AT: iS, AT: wHAT i SAY, AT: aBOUT THE BAD NEWS, nOT THE NAP, AC: :33 < tavros im sorry i cant be on your team :(( AC: :33 < im not allowed AT: oH, AT: tHAT'S OKAY, AT: tHEN i GUESS HE SAID NO, tHEN, AC: :33 < yes unfurtunately AC: :33 < rarg im so mad!
======>
You fondly recall your days of far more intensive role playing.
Some time ago...
You stand in your room on a healthy pair of legs and in a plucky little outfit.
Tavros: Contact fellow Team Charge member.
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AT: aRADIA, AT: mY GRUB IS LAYING NOW, sO AT: i'LL BE READY SOON, AA: c00l!
Tavros: Hatch campaign.
Your campaign's GAMING FLAPSTRACTIONS hatch out of their eggs.
======>
They disperse throughout the terrain surrounding your hive.
Tavros: Go outside and begin adventure.
You take your starting position in the field.
A little later...
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] AG: Wellllllll?
======>
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AT: aRADIA, AT: hEY, AT: aRE YOU THERE, AT: uHHH, AT: hMM, adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] AT: hEY, AT: tEREZI, AT: i HAVE A PROBLEM, AT: uHHHHHHH, arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] AG: No one can help you, Taaaaaaaavros!
======>
AG: Tavros, have I mentioned how cute you look in that plucky little outfit?
======>
AG: Fly, Pupa!!!!!!!!
======>
AG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!
======>
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] AT: aG JUST JUMPED ME OFF A CLIFF, AT: wITH MY BRAIN, AT: aND, uHH AT: mY LEGS, aLSO, AT: aND NOW, tHEY FEEL, AT: iNVISIBLE, AT: wOW, i'M SURE THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT, AT: aNYWAY, AT: tHAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS, AT: tO REPORT ON THE SUBJECT, AT: oF ME GETTING HURT, CG: HEY ASSHOLE, STOP PLAYING GAMES FOR GIRLS.
Back in the present...
But not too far into the present.
Karkat: Be the other asshole.
You are now the other... oh.
HURRY
You switch to a vague teaser of the final unseen troll in the nick of time.
Aradia: Go home.
You head back to your hive to get the blue team's session started.
======>
You revisit the remains of your quaint rural hive.
Aradia: Begin session.
You have an arrangement to begin the session as co-leader with one of the blue bloods.
Aradia: Connect to server player.
You have a server player connect to you, someone you personally selected for the role.
Aradia: Tier 1 prototype.
Prototyping with the frog head before entering the Medium would prove to be critical for later success.
======>
She really just had no idea what the hell was going on.
Aradia: Enter.
You enter the Medium, taking your place in the LAND OF QUARTZ AND MELODY as the MAID OF TIME.
======>
Your server player's confusion is only in part due to learning the ropes of a new game.
Aradia: Tier 2 prototype.
She couldn't see you up until the moment after the sprite's second prototyping.
======>
We are all completely blown away by this stunning revelation.
Nepeta: Interrogate frog girl.
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AC: :33 < aradia i can s33 you!
Aradia: Be the huge bitch.
Bluh bluh.
Enter name.
Your name is VRISKA SERKET.
Vriska: Check out cool drawing on wall.
You drew your own role playing character for fun, as many Flarpers are prone to do.
Vriska: Proceed to computer.
You have a lot to do.
======>
As you were saying.
Vriska: Take dice.
You equip your enchanted dice set, the fabled FLUORITE OCTET.
Vriska: Begin meddling.
Time to get this show on the road.
Vriska: Deal with this guy.
Hello.
======>
More hollow comebacks.
Vriska: Endure meddling.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] AG: Whaaaaaaaat.
Vriska: Check on lusus.
You go down the like fifty million stairs to her nest below.
======>
You pass by one of your completed doomsday devices.
======>
See, look at this.
======>
You guess there's no delaying this guy's introduction anymore.
Enter name.
Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK.
Equius: Check on lusus.
Now where did that craven excuse for a custodian go.
Equius: Thank Aurthour.
You accept the frosty beverage and give the good fellow a grateful pat, as gently as possible.
======>
Seriously, he's like a soft summer peach.
Equius: Drink lusus milk.
Lusus milk is the secret to being STRONG.
======>
And as usual, it sends you into a rage.
Equius: Equiup a bow.
You mean equip.
======>
You also keep a plain old BOWKIND SPECIBUS in the event that you are able to fire an arrow some day.
Equius: Answer.
You proceed to have a conversation we read not all that long ago.
Equius: Talk to friend/enemy.
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] CT: D --> Have I ever told you what a reprehensible disgrace you are TC: hAhA, fUcK yEaH, oNlY eVeRy MoThErFuCkIn DaY bRo!
Vriska: Be in cahoots with Equius.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] AG: Equiiiiiiiiuuuuuuuus.
Equius: Go check on Aradia's present.
You delve deeper into your hive where you store many of your robotic projects.
Equius: Remove tarp.
You reveal her sparkling new chassis.
======>
And just what do you think YOU'RE looking at???
======>
The CATENATIVE DOOMSDAY DICE CASCADER is unfortuitously activated.
======>
The lousy thing breaks.
======>
AURTHOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUR!
Vriska: Meddle with Terezi.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] AG: It looks like tonight we will have to 8reak our truce.
And much earlier than that...
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] GC: HOW 1S H3 AA: 0k AA: he cant walk th0ugh AA: pr0bably never will GC: >:[ GC: M4YB3 H3 COULD B3 F1X3D GC: W1TH ROBO PROSTH3T1CS GC: 1F YOU D1DNT M1ND G3TT1NG H3LP FROM...
======>
It's probably best you listen to the advice of your friend.
Aradia: Make her pay.
It's a shame it had to come to this.
Vriska: Answer white text guy.
Well?
Vriska: Make her pay.
Of course he's right.
======>
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaa.
======>
It must be a trick!
======>
AG: Arrivederci, Megido.
Be the white text guy.
You try to be the white text guy, but fail to be the white text guy.
======>
What's he up to now?
======>
GC: H3Y WH1T3 T3XT GUY GC: 1 H4V3 4 T1P FOR YOU How were you able to contact me?
Terezi: Orchestrate demise of the wicked.
She went too far this time and she knows it.
Terezi: Contact partner in crime.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] GC: H3Y VR1SK4 GC: 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y AG: Ummmmmmmmm, no?
Vriska: Consult little advantage.
She can't be serious.
======>
You consult with your MAGIC CUE BALL, an extremely rare treasure you recently plundered from an ancient crypt, and one of many rumored to be hidden across the globe.
======>
Someone with VISION EIGHTFOLD.
Terezi: Inform Mr.
GC: >:o
In the aftermath of more recent misfortune...
One retrieves his dead custodian from the rubble below.
======>
You guess you've got to put her down.
Vriska: Roll.
Maybe the dead girl is on to something.
======>
Seven of the FLUORITE OCTET land, narrowing the field down from the full 8^8.
======>
Au revoir, spidermom.
======>
Your mercy killing triggers another avalanche.
Vriska: What's her deal????????
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AG: What's your deal????????
======>
And soon, in a place known as the LAND OF CAVES AND SILENCE...
Equius: Let her know the deal.
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] CT: D --> Aradia, here's the deal CT: D --> Now that the game has begun, the plan will be modified slightly CT: D --> We will not be co-leaders of the b100 team CT: D --> I alone will be the leader CT: D --> Is that understood AA: thats fine CT: D --> Good CT: D --> Wait CT: D --> You have no objection CT: D --> Are you sure AA: n0 AA: im 0k with it CT: D --> Do you typically embrace such a passive attitude when your superiors give you orders AA: i d0nt usually receive 0rders fr0m superi0rs 0r 0therwise AA: but really its fine CT: D --> Hmm AA: what CT: D --> I think I should get a towel CT: D --> I'm perspiring heavily again AA: why AA: whats wr0ng CT: D --> Never mind CT: D --> I'm trying to stay professional about this AA: ab0ut what AA: what are y0u talking ab0ut CT: D --> Forget it CT: D --> It's just pleasant to consort with one of lesser breeding who clearly understands her place AA: ive underst00d f0r s0me time that this will be my r0le AA: t0 functi0n as y0ur server player AA: and that y0u w0uld be the team leader as the first in the chain CT: D --> Perfect CT: D --> Then we are on the same page CT: D --> I 100k forward to seeing how well you serve me, server player AA: uh AA: thats n0t quite the meaning 0f the w0rd server CT: D --> What do you mean AA: as y0ur server i manipulate y0ur envir0nment t0 help y0u advance CT: D --> I don't understand CT: D --> Are you CT: D --> Are you saying CT: D --> That CT: D --> You are in a position of control over me AA: i supp0se s0 CT: D --> Oh AA: what CT: D --> Oh my God AA: 0_0 CT: D --> This is CT: D --> Impropriety of a caliber I cannot even CT: D --> It's CT: D --> You are as low on the hemosprectrum as possible CT: D --> To consider that someone so low could be in a position of authority over me is CT: D --> It's just so CT: D --> Disgusting AA: y0u really are quite a sn0b CT: D --> No it's CT: D --> FILTHY AA: 0_0 CT: D --> I need some air CT: D --> Or some cold milk CT: D --> Or a towel, I need a towel CT: D --> Where the fuck are all my fresh towels CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> Fiddlesticks, please pardon my language CT: D --> It won't happen again AA: y0u l00k really agitated AA: are y0u sure y0ure alright
======>
CT: D --> I'm fine CT: D --> I'll be fine CT: D --> I just need to breathe CT: D --> And to break something possibly AA: break s0mething CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> It helps me rela% AA: 0h AA: i think i understand CT: D --> Do you AA: i like breaking things AA: i didnt used t0 but n0w i d0 AA: its fun AA: um AA: hell0 AA: are y0u sure y0ure 0k CT: D --> Yes AA: y0u really d0 l00k like y0ure sweating pretty hard CT: D --> I just need a blasted towel CT: D --> Where ever did that Aurthour get off to AA: maybe y0u sh0uld break s0mething AA: t0 try t0 calm d0wn CT: D --> Perhaps AA: d0 y0u want me t0 break s0mething CT: D --> Whoa what AA: i c0uld break s0mething if y0u want CT: D --> Do you CT: D --> Want to break something AA: kind 0f CT: D --> I, uh CT: D --> Ok
======>
AA: equius im ab0ut t0 thr0w an abluti0n trap thr0ugh y0ur wall AA: heads up CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Yes that was wonderful AA: it was pretty c00l CT: D --> But could you please refrain from dipping into the vernacular of commoners CT: D --> In fact, this is an order from your leader CT: D --> Call things by their proper names AA: what AA: y0u want me t0 call it a bath tub AA: that s0unds ridicul0us CT: D --> Nevertheless, do it AA: fine CT: D --> Now CT: D --> Could you please CT: D --> Uh CT: D --> Do that again AA: what AA: y0u want me t0 thr0w the trap thr0ugh y0ur wall again AA: i mean the tub CT: D --> Yes AA: is that an 0rder CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Wait CT: D --> I don't know AA: what d0nt y0u kn0w CT: D --> Maybe I don't want to order you to CT: D --> Maybe I want CT: D --> You to do whatever things that you want to do AA: i really have n0 idea what y0ure talking ab0ut CT: D --> You could cause quite a bother for me, with the power you wield CT: D --> I can do nothing to stop you, peasant girl CT: D --> It's so magnificently depraved AA: y0u are s0 weird AA: and this is c0ming fr0m a gh0st AA: ribbit CT: D --> What was that CT: D --> Are you role playing now CT: D --> Stop, it's unbecoming AA: s0rry CT: D --> You're better than that CT: D --> And by better, I mean worse CT: D --> Much, much worse CT: D --> Downright coarse and degenerate CT: D --> Just reprehensibly sordid AA: 0_0 CT: D --> Actually CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> You may role play and proceed to deepen this already irretrievable debauchery CT: D --> In fact I command it CT: D --> I command you to have free will and do as you please CT: D --> And continue being bothersome and unpredictably destructive CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> If you want AA: im n0t really r0le playing AA: im part fr0g AA: but 0k AA: i guess i can break s0me m0re stuff AA: ribbit CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Ribbit again AA: i cant really c0ntr0l the ribbits
======>
CT: D --> I will make haste through this mysterious realm and find your gate CT: D --> It will pose no challenge for me at all AA: yeah i kn0w CT: D --> I will then give you your new body, and you may take your rightful place as my subordinate AA: sure CT: D --> Actually CT: D --> Now I'm beginning to wonder AA: what CT: D --> Whether I want you to be my subordinate CT: D --> Hmm CT: D --> I hope this doesn't sound too strange AA: everything y0u say s0unds strange CT: D --> Maybe I would like you to be the co-leader again AA: 0k CT: D --> In fact CT: D --> Oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm entertaining this thought CT: D --> It feels just vile CT: D --> Try not to roll your eyes at me AA: i d0nt have pupils CT: D --> Would you mind terribly CT: D --> Being the leader AA: fine CT: D --> But CT: D --> Don't tell anyone CT: D --> You will be the leader of me, and I will lead all else CT: D --> You would in effect be the secret leader AA: yeah sure AA: thats pretty much h0w it is anyway CT: D --> Yes, that's the spirit CT: D --> You take to authority well for one of your b100d AA: i d0nt have bl00d CT: D --> Not yet CT: D --> But soon your heart will beat anew, and through it, fresh b100d and fresh passion AA: 0_0 AA: w0w uh AA: can y0u just bring me the r0b0t already CT: D --> On my way centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AA: ribbit
Equius: Proceed to second gate.
======>
This poses no challenge for you at all.
Equius: Deliver present.
ARADIASPRITE: it l00ks nice EQUIUS: D --> Yes EQUIUS: D --> It is perfect in every way ARADIASPRITE: ribbit EQUIUS: D --> Do you EQUIUS: D --> Have a clean towel anywhere
Aradiasprite: Enter soulbot.
======>
EQUIUS: D --> I think it suits you EQUIUS: D --> Much more so than the form of a levitating ghostly amphibian EQUIUS: D --> How does it feel ARADIABOT: it feels ARADIABOT: different!
======>
ARADIABOT: did y0u pr0gram this r0b0t t0 have feelings f0r y0u?
Nepeta: Update wall.
You consult your SHIPPING WALL.
Karkat: Recruit Vriska.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND PREPOSTEROUS GIVEN OUR LAST CONVERSATION.
======>
CG: HE HAS SOME INSIDE INFORMATION ABOUT HIS KINGDOM.
Be Jack a few minutes ago...
You find the kid you've been looking for.
======>
He still won't shut up.
Jack: Look at knife.
You don't see what the big deal is.
======>
It seems he's the only one of his kind with this mutant candy-red blood.
Karkat: Be in cahoots with Jack.
You and your like-blooded accomplice soon put OPERATION REGISURP into motion, a contingency plan which the archagent conveniently had on file and named himself.
======>
But before a single step is taken, Jack briefs you on the intelligence uncovered by one of his agents.
======>
She could not stand bearing the visage of the most loathsome creature known to existence.
======>
She removed the ring and concealed it in the ROYAL VAULT while she was quite sure no one was looking.
Red team: Execute Operation Regisurp.
The operation in time would be a total success.
======>
Until she was given a new purpose.
======>
But at the onset, you would know nothing of the queen's aversion to an amphibious likeness, or about her orbs twelvefold, or any such details.
======>
You would begin to notice a strange pattern.
======>
And your prototypings would affect theirs.
======>
Though the signs pointed to two distinct sessions - two sets of mystic ruins, two opposing teams, two separate chains of connected players - this was all misleading.
======>
You were joining a particularly unusual bifurcated session, meant from the start to receive all twelve players through two separate connection chains.
======>
In the more drawn out form of this adventure's narrative, figuring this out would have been a huge deal.
======>
But since we've decided to engage this epic in shorthand, you feel you must insist that we continue with this expository interlude.
======>
After watching the phrases MOBIUS DOUBLE and REACH AROUND toggle for a few minutes while in a sort of stupor, you finally snap out of it.
======>
For that matter, what about this young lady?
And pages and pages and pages.
Seriously, it could take forever.
Enter name.
Your name is KANAYA MARYAM.
Kanaya: Equip chainsaw.
What CHAINSAW?
Kanaya: Fine, equip that then.
Alright, let's settle down.
Kanaya: Apply.
You can choose between your trademark jade or black.
Kanaya: Answer CC.
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] CC: )(-ELLO!
Kanaya: Check on lusus.
You had nearly forgotten.
Kanaya: Go downstairs.
She brought you this far.
Kanaya: Captchalogue that thing.
You secure the MATRIORB through your CHASTITY MODUS.
======>
Look at this mess.
Kanaya: Meddle with moirail.
AG: Whaaaaaaaat.
======>
You will put her out of your mind for a while.
Kanaya: Answer CA.
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] CA: kan make her talk to me do somethin GA: Who CA: your no good connivvin fuckin backstabbin girl crush thats wwho GA: Overstating Our Relationship Wont Make Me Feel Very Cooperative GA: Its Paler Red Than That Ok CA: pshhhhhh that is a fuckin laugh and you knoww it evveryone does CA: so help me out tell her to talk to me i think she blocked me you got to GA: Why Do I Got To GA: I Dont Got To And Every Time You Take My Help For Granted I Feel Like I Got To A Little Less CA: wwhatEVVER you are so the vvillage twwo wwheel devvice wwhen it comes to auspisticing CA: you cant let a grudge go by you wwont stick your busy stem betwwixt so get wwith the program fussyfangs GA: If Your Slander Werent So Predictable Id Block You Too For Saying That GA: Has It Occurred To You She May Have Blocked You Because You Are Vvery Ovverbearing GA: I Just Said That Aloud Now In Your Silly Accent And Had A Private Moment Of Enjoyment CA: wwho givves a shit wwhy she blocked me or about my fuckin manners come on youvve got a wway wwith her CA: i figure if youre going to auspisticize any twwo brinesuckers wwho sneer at each other a funny wway you might as wwell make it official and be ours right GA: Your Black Solicitation Just Seems Really Indecent GA: What Do You Want From Her Anyway CA: she made me somethin per a prior arrangement CA: she wwill delivver it wwhen wwe meet in this game but i dont knoww wwhat the logistics are yet CA: im tryin to connoiter wwith her here but shes blowwin me off again fickle dirtscrapin landhag GA: What Is It CA: kan stupid wwhat do you think its a fuckin gizmo to bloww up the wworld or somethin CA: ok wwell not that obvviously CA: but somethin thatll kill all land dwwellers wwhat else wwould i be after GA: Can You Just For A Moment Entertain The Thoughts Of One Untouched By Megalomaniacal Derangement And Tell Me Why Id Want To Assist You With That CA: wwell CA: im not goin to vvery wwell kill you am i that wwould be fuckin unconscionable CA: wwhat kind of friend wwould i be GA: Also Speculate For A Moment That Self Preservation Might Not Be What Would Sway My Decision CA: yeah go ahead and kiss us off but therell be blood on your hands CA: you could either play along as our auspistice and do a little mediating like you wwere fuckin hatched to CA: or wwatch she and me devvolvve into fuckin full fledged kismesisses the kind like you dont get once in ten thousand swweeps CA: you knoww thats wwhat it wwould be there wwould be rainboww rivvers runnin through star systems and all nebulizin like liquid firewworks CA: it wwill be beautiful and heartbreaking all at once CA: you should read up on your history instead of poring through that godawwfull sunny rubbish GA: Its Just GA: Laborious Listening To This GA: Im Sorry GA: None Of It Matters CA: yeah it does its important sorry but the fate of the race and purity of the bloodline is important excuse me for being concerned GA: I Know GA: But You Really Should Know By Now The World Will End Tonight Regardless GA: Land And Sea Dwellers Alike Will All Die GA: Because Of The Game We Are About To Play GA: And I Agree The Fate Of The Race Is Important But Its In My Hands Now GA: All Of Ours Really CA: huh CA: wwell ok GA: Really CA: ordinarily id call bullshit on terrible stinkin bs like that but i knoww you dont really lie about stuff CA: unless its to yourself CA: but thats wwhy i bother evven talking to you i wwouldnt evven be here SAYIN any of this otherwwise CA: so did your clouds tell you that GA: The Doomsday Scenario In Particular GA: No Not Exactly CA: i got clouds and they dont tell me SHIT they hide nothin but misfortune and monstrosities CA: fuckin pain in the ass fuckin clouds CA: so howw do you knoww then GA: I Have Another Source CA: ok wwell you are jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many wways i dont knoww wwhat to say anymore CA: wwhatevver wwe wwill just play and find out i guess CA: so can you tell her to talk to me anywway GA: No CA: god dammit CA: she and me are teammates wwevve got to havve a powwwwoww or SOMETHING GA: You Arent Actually On The Same Team CA: fuck CA: fine i get it ill step off CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that GA: No Thats Not It CA: yeah it is your real feelins run pretty awwful RUDDY methinks evverybody knowws it CA: especially that assblood karkat he and me havve you so pegged about that its upright silly CA: but its cool its totally fine dont wworry ill leavve you alone and givve you a shot GA: Its Unbelievable GA: Her Patience CA: wwhat CA: wwhoa wwait wwho GA: Never Mind CA: ok wwait did she talk to you today CA: wwhat did she say CA: or glub or wwhatevver GA: Something About Longing To Touch You Indiscretely CA: WWWWHAT GA: And That Shes Basically In The Scarlet Throes For You GA: As Deep In The Flushed Quadrant As One Can Be CA: wwait CA: did she actually say that CA: in confidence GA: To The Letter CA: can you copy exactly wwhat she said GA: Absolutely Not CA: this is bullshit youre bee essing me in some wway awwful CA: you dont lie but you do tease and ill tranfuse my kickass royal blood out wwith incontinent musclebeast discharge if i wwont knoww wwhen im gettin hooked GA: Yeah GA: Shes Just A Concerned Moirail GA: Looking Out For You GA: Thats All CA: awwww fuck CA: see im tellin you CA: you got to play your cards right GA: What Do You Mean CA: if youre not savvvvy about howw you define yourself to people CA: you can just splash into the moirail zone before you knoww wwhich wways upwward GA: Oh GA: Hmm CA: kan its hard GA: What CA: being a kid and growwing up CA: its hard and nobody understands caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
Kanaya: Return to room.
There is a lot to do before you enter.
======>
In one dream, the clouds pointed you to the address of a server hidden in an obscure pocket of a realm unknowable to mortals.
======>
You have little doubt their victory was because of their leader, a great heroine, the TENTACLETHERAPIST.
Tavros: Enter.
Having narrowly dodged obliteration, you take your place as the PAGE OF BREATH in the LAND OF SAND AND ZEPHYR.
And in time...
AG: Taaaaaaaavros!
======>
AT: i THINK THIS, iS, AT: pROBABLY MEANT TO ANTAGONIZE ME, AG: What are you talking a8out.
======>
AG: Apologize, Pupa!
Tavros: Summon Rufio.
Now she's done it.
======>
But unfortunately, Rufio is not real.
Kanaya: Mediate.
AG: Hey, what's your deal!
Vriska: Scurry downstairs.
======>
You make your way down to one of your innumerable LOOT STRONGHOLDS where you stash riches and gold and jewels and prizes plundered during your campaigns.
Vriska: Go back up.
AG: Quit cleaning up after me!!!!!!!!
Tavros: Fly, Pupa!!!!!!!!
AG: Flyyyyyyyy!
Tavros: Lead fearsome entourage into ruins.
Tavros: Confer with teammate.
AT: yESSSS, aNOTHER PIECE FITS, AT: wE ARE MAKING SOME STRICT PROGRESS ON THIS PUZZLE, AG: Oh.
Tavros: Look at map.
AT: wHERE DOES IT GO, AG: I have determined from your consorts that there is a terri8le monster deep underground.
Tavros: Point cherry vehicle toward X on map.
======>
You proceed through what seems to be your second gate, into the LAND OF MAPS AND TREASURE.
Vriska: Help Pupa find shadow.
Pupa!
======>
Of course, the secret to reuniting with your shadow is to get up and walk around.
Vriska: Apply special stardust.
Everyone knows that just a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST along with a happy thought will allow any boy to get up and walk again.
======>
Pupa remains as pathetic and useless as ever.
Vriska: Make Pupa have happy thoughts.
Kanaya: Deal with your own crisis.
Whew, crisis resolved.
Kanaya: Return to serving client.
======>
So THAT'S why she had you make this dress for her???
======>
MOTHERSPRITE: There there, sweetheart.
======>
Kanaya, it's hard.
======>
Being a kid and growing up.
Try to understand.
The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable.
======>
Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT.
Examine flushed quadrant.
When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS.
Examine caliginous quadrant.
When a pair of adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS.
======>
Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle.
Examine ashen quadrant.
This quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature.
======>
The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside.
======>
An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships.
Examine pale quadrant.
This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship.
======>
And yet others will seem to have been hatched for each other.
Wait!
God you just can't get enough of this can you!
======>
Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts.
======>
But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny.
======>
MADE FOR EACH OTHER.
Attempt 2x transition combo.
Looks like it worked.
Enter name.
Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA.
Eridan: Do something awesome.
======>
Ok, that guy is pretty much squared away.
Enter name.
Your name is FEFERI PEIXES.
Feferi: Do something adorable.
Feferi: Go home.
That should keep her quiet for a while.
Eridan: Go home.
That should keep her happy for a while.
Eridan: Examine block.
You conveniently return to your respiteblock so that we may study your variety of INTERESTS.
======>
Flowing through your veins is nearly the richest blood the hemospectrum has to offer, penultimate on the scale.
Feferi: Examine block.
On the subject of courtesy, you have also returned to your block so we can get a better look at you.
======>
You are also a SEA DWELLER.
======>
What will you both do?
Eridan and Feferi: Do something ridiculous.
YES.
Eridan: Bother Feferi.
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] CA: fef CA: hey CC: ?
Eridan: Go get a beverage.
Another emotionally exhausting conversation.
Eridan: Check fridge.
You pay a visit to what the common land dwellers refer to as a THERMAL HULL, instead of the more aristocratic and especially esoteric and alien sounding term, a REFRIGERATOR.
Eridan: Open it.
A bunch of UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY WANDS tumble out.
Feferi: Go get a beverage.
Another emotionally exhausting conversation.
Feferi: Disarm.
You decide to unwind and take your mind off the drama for a while before starting the game.
Eridan: Disarm.
You unequip AHAB'S CROSSHAIRS, which is YET ANOTHER legendary weapon, about as powerful as your KIND ABSTRATUS will allow.
Eridan: Bother Vriska.
On the subject of your old accomplice/rival, you guess you'll try talking to her one more time, even though you know she won't answer.
======>
But it wasn't that long ago that you were the hottest iron.
======>
She would have the victims of your conquest walk the plank.
======>
While you would reap the custodial spoils.
======>
And while yet another partook not in revelry, but necessity.
======>
She had to keep her fed to keep her calm, to keep her terrible voice down.
======>
If she were to raise it above a whisper, trolls would begin dying.
======>
In truth, it would be all too easy to solve the land dweller problem once and for all.
Some time later...
The WITCH OF LIFE takes her place in the LAND OF DEW AND GLASS.
Feferi: Report to Eridan.
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] CC: W)()()()()(-E-E-E-E-EW.
Feferi: Proceed to gate.
YOU'R-E FR-E-E-E-E-E-E---------------E!
Karkat: Check on Sollux.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] CG: BRO ARE YOU OK.
======>
It is all your fault.
======>
There, there, you blubbering goddamn pansy.
Gamzee: Indulge emotional theatrics.
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] CA: gam i need to talk to kar wwhere is he he isnt answwerin TC: He's bUsY BeInG SlApPeD MoThErFuCkIn sEnSeLeSs bY ThE GuY WhO LiKeS KnIvEs TC: BuT I CaN ReLaY WhAt mEsSaGe yOu gOt, My bRoThEr CA: i dont feel comfortable wwith that CA: i havve some serious feelins and problems here and i need some advvice TC: HaHa, YeAh i fEeL YoU, hE'S PrEtTy wOrKeD Up tOo CA: wwhy TC: BeCaUsE OuR GoOd bRo sOlLuX JuSt kIcKeD ThE WiCkEd mOtHeRfUcKiN ShIt CA: wwhat the fuck do you mean by that CA: are you sayin hes dead TC: YeAh :o( CA: oh fuck CA: oh god fuck noww i feel like an asshole TC: YeAh i'd sAy tHaT An aSsHoLe iS ThE ThInG ThAt jUsT AbOuT WhAt eVeRyBoDy fEeLs lIkE TC: KaRkAt bLaMeS HiMsElF On iT, pOoR MoThErFuCkEr TC: BuT I ToLd hIm tO Be cHiLl TC: BeCaUsE ThErE Is a mIrAcLe cOmInG, i cAn fEeL It CA: that is the wworst fuckin advvice CA: wwhat an awwful thing a you to say CA: MAGIC ISNT REAL STUPID STOP BELIEVVIN IN IT TC: i'Ve gOt tO BeLiEvE At wHaT My hEaRt tElLs iN Me, EvEn iF It's a fAkE ThInG TC: HoNk CA: this is a lot a pointless fuckin rubbish and isnt no emotional help to him or me either for that matter CA: put kar on TC: UuUuH, i cAn't rEaLlY ThInK AbOuT InTeRvEnInG, tHe bLaCk fRoWnInG MoThErFuCkEr kInDa sCaReS Me TC: ArE YoU SuRe i cAn't hElP A bRoThEr Up iNtO HiS MoThErFuCkIn cHiLl?
Eridan: Slam a Faygo.
You prepare to kick back and motherfuckin' snap into some rude elixir and maybe get your wicked zone on.
And later still...
A princess prepares to administer a universal remedy for the unawakened.
======>
Goddamn troll kids.
======>
It is like I am the kid from the Never Ending Story.
MSPA: Quick, become more meta while AH is brooding.
====================>
AH employs a daring execution of AUTHORTECH -> LADDER TO SELF INDULGENCE behind his own back.
AH: Ok, ha ha, get back to the story jackass.
Excuse me?
Uh...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
This is ridiculous.
No, this is MY LIFE we're talking about here.
Oh my god.
The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable.
Wow.
THAT'S WHAT JUST HAPPENED BITCH.
Alright, now you're DEFINITELY trolling us.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SS: Move this along.
It's bad enough you had to watch this broad smooch a corpse and this kid bawl his eyes out once already, even if it was centuries ago.
==>
Oh for the love of...
SS: Type '====', then ==>
======>
This moon is different.
======>
Not like the yellow moon you were just dreaming about.
======>
Most other players only get one extra.
IT WILL ONLY BE A MOMENT.
Just what you need.
TROLL ETIQUETTE SURE IS CONFUSING.
GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT
Sollux: Blast off.
You've wasted enough time on sleeping and dying.
Sollux: Get back to adventurin'.
The revived MAGE OF DOOM returns to the LAND OF BRAINS AND FIRE for a surprise rendezvous with the WITCH OF LIFE.
======>
Hey what the heck is going on in here???
Vriska: Get back to adventurin'.
Somewhere on LOMAT, the Thief and the Page plunder the untold riches of innumerable pointless side-quests.
======>
The Thief is proving useless.
8th exile: Type "=> SWITCH 2".
======>
While the KNIGHT OF BLOOD charges ahead, the SEER OF MIND remains behind to unravel the mysteries of the LAND OF THOUGHT AND FLOW.
It is time.
It's the voice again.
Terezi: Retrieve chalk.
You search for the appropriate card through your SCRATCH AND SNIFF modus.
You must eliminate the archagent.
Nepeta: Surely you must be adventurin' by now.
Why yes, as a matter of fact.
======>
You inquire into whereabouts of the MAID OF TIME.
Equius: Get up and commence the adventurin'.
The underlings have been getting enormous lately.
Equius: Answer Karkat.
It does not appear to be a message from Karkat directed at you specifically.
Equius: Read first memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 6:12 HOURS AGO opened public transtimeline bulletin board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PCG 6:12 HOURS AGO opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
Karkat: Begin another memo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
I SAID GET YER ASS UP AND GO KISS THE GIRL YOU PIPSQUEAK
You are having trouble bringing yourself to get up and kiss the girl.
YOU KISS THAT GIRL THIS INSTANT
======>======>======>
You cannot do it.
You will need to be strong.
======>
And in time, though prone to distraction and obstinacy, she would.
======>
To bring every circle closed, her partner and rival would have to be guided in tandem.
Snowman: Continue briefing.
Find the ring before he does.
Centuries ago...
And yet, right now...
Kanaya: Reply to memo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 599 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
======>
DRAGONSPRITE: sniff sniff DRAGONSPRITE: hey terezi!
Terezi: Respond.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] CG: OK I GOT YOUR MESSAGE CG: THANKS FOR NOT HASSLING ME ABOUT IT IN ONE OF THE MEMOS TO GET MY ATTENTION, I APPRECIATE THAT.
Terezi: Get closer look.
GC: TH4T 1S B3TT3R GC: 1TS MUCH 34S13R TO R34D YOUR COLOR TH1S W4Y GC: YOUR DR4B D1RTY P4V3M3NT GR4Y GC: ON TOP OF BR1GHT C4NDY R3D, L1K3 4 SH1NY LOLL1POP GC: DO3S TH4T SOUND F4M1L14R K4RK4T??
======>
GC: 1M SUR3 1 M3NT1ON3D 4FT3R YOU M3T MY SPR1T3 GC: 1 L34RN3D FROM H3R THROUGH MY DR34MS GC: B3FOR3 SH3 H4TCH3D!
DD: Move this along.
Someone needs to grab the reins on timeline management here.
That's what I like to hear.
Aradia: Skip to the end.
FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] 2:16 HOURS FROM NOW opened private transtimeline bulletin board r0ad t0 the und0ing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FAA 2:16 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board r0ad t0 the und0ing.
======>
FAA: we will and have already amassed an army t0 c0nfr0nt the black king FAA: an army c0nsisting 0f 0ur alternate future selves FAA: each 0ne rer0uted fr0m a d00med 0ffsh00t 0f the alpha timeline FAA: each given an0ther chance at a c0nstructive influence 0ver the ultimate 0utc0me FAA: by the way if y0u didnt kn0w already FAA: a future self returning t0 the past fr0m a d00med timeline will always be slated f0r imminent destructi0n herself FAA: its 0ne 0f the rules FAA: and the unf0rtunate reality is FAA: this will and has already been a mass suicide missi0n FAA: 0r it w0uld be FAA: and already w0uld have been FAA: if we all werent already dead FAA: 0_0
======>
FAA: m0bilizing 0urselves in such numbers w0uld be required t0 neutralize the kings psychic attacks FAA: it w0uld take 0ur c0mbined c0ncentrati0n t0 dampen the abilities he inherited fr0m glbg0lyb FAA: with0ut the cumulative eff0rt 0f 0ur d00med reserves FAA: with0ut the heightened mental and physical endurance 0f 0ur r0b0tic vessels FAA: with0ut the untimely demise we all shared bef0re this began FAA: vict0ry w0uld n0t be p0ssible FAA: he w0uld kill us all with 0ne dreadful s0und
======>
FAA: i d0nt kn0w if it was just bad luck FAA: 0r an extensi0n 0f the curse karkat insists he br0ught 0n us FAA: that lead t0 the incidental and unf0rtuit0us pr0t0typing 0f feferis p0werful lusus FAA: with0ut which the battle w0uld have p0sed little challenge FAA: i think FAA: it was m0re likely just an0ther inevitability FAA: a pr0duct 0f c0llusi0n between the disparate f0rces at play FAA: a bargain struck between what skaia kn0ws already and what the g0ds demand up fr0nt FAA: t0gether they 0rchestrate trials sufficient t0 ensure FAA: that in 0verc0ming them we w0uld be pr0ven w0rthy FAA: 0f inheriting FAA: ribbit FAA: wh00ps
======>
FAA: and s0 it w0uld be and has been already FAA: that while distracted by the c0mbined eff0rts 0f 0ur d00med legi0n FAA: the king w0uld be aggressed by the 0thers FAA: and even th0ugh each w0uld be well prepared FAA: perched 0n the highest rungs 0f their echeladders FAA: equipped with the best weap0nry grist c0uld build FAA: versed in the deadliest fraym0tifs b00nd0llars c0uld buy
======>
FAA: even th0ugh the mete0rs fr0m the kings 0wn reck0ning w0uld be turned against him
======>
FAA: and even with 0ne imp0ssibly lucky r0ll 0f the dice at the final m0ment
======>
FAA: we w0uld 0nly narr0wly succeed
======>
FAA: but ultimately
======>
FAA: we w0uld pr0ve 0ur w0rth
======>
FAA: and the reward w0uld be within 0ur reach
======>
FAA: but 0nly m0mentarily
======>
FAA: bef0re we w0uld be able t0 claim it FAA: we w0uld be interrupted FAA: by s0mething FAA: which w0uld be ushered int0 0ur sessi0n by a rift in parad0x space FAA: a rift which we w0uld determine FAA: will be 0pened by f0ur members 0f a fledgling species FAA: wh0 will be playing in an0ther sessi0n 0f the same game that we will and have already played
======>
FAA: their rift will lead t0 the great und0ing FAA: with0ut necessarily causing it FAA: n0t directly FAA: such rifts are themselves supp0sedly benign FAA: useful even FAA: they are catal0gued phen0mena within the game itself FAA: with a pr0vided means 0f creating them FAA: and a wide range 0f scenari0s f0r which it might be prudent t0 d0 s0 FAA: the incipisphere l0cals have a m0re f0rmal term f0r them FAA: they typically refer t0 such a rift as
======>
CAA: the direct effects 0f a scratch are limited t0 the sessi0n inv0king it CAA: we w0uld n0t experience 0r 0bserve th0se effects fr0m 0ur sessi0n CAA: but we w0uld experience the c0nsequences CAA: in the f0rm 0f that which prevented us fr0m claiming 0ur reward CAA: he wh0se hand w0uld be f0rced by the scratch CAA: t0 emerge fr0m hiding
======>
CAA: but there w0uld be n0 adequate way t0 prepare CAA: even with all the f0resight at 0ur disp0sal CAA: f0r a f0e m0re p0werful than the king we will and have already defeated CAA: f0r a dem0n wh0 is indestructible CAA: 0mnip0tent CAA: and enraged
======>
CAA: while the rest 0f the party w0uld absc0nd CAA: 0ur duplicates w0uld buy us time CAA: they w0uld all be killed CAA: again
======>
CAA: all except f0r me CAA: this is just as well i supp0se CAA: what w0uld we even d0 with all th0se c0pies anyway
======>
CAA: we w0uld return t0 the site 0f 0ur hatching CAA: s0 t0 speak CAA: where we w0uld hide CAA: amidst a veil depleted by the reck0ning CAA: and wait CAA: drifting in the wide 0rbit 0f 0ur s00n t0 be null sessi0n
======>
CAA: banished fr0m the we left behind
======>
CAA: and yet in being denied
======>
CAA: we w0uld be barred fr0m entry
==>
CAA: int0 the we created
==>
You finally found him.
Karkat: Troll this worthless human.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.
Terezi: Open memo.
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.
Vriska: Manipul8 this worthless human.
==>
You wonder what this goofball is dreaming about.
John: Reunite with your loving father, and also scarf lady.
John: Answer troll.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] AG: Joooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooo AG: oooooooohn!
John: W8 around for a few minutes.
==>
You got the server copy of the SBURB BETA!
==>
Your RAG OF SOULS begins to soak in the BLOOD OF THE FALLEN.
John: Prepare for flight.
EB: jade is not answering!
==>
EB: that is nice to know.
==>
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMPS!
John: Dispatch these pests.
That is IT.
John: Examine room.
Look at this mess.
John: Examine computer.
They chucked it out the window.
John: Examine Posters.
This is just insult to injury.
==>
Just look at that face.
Vriska: What's his deal????????
AG: John, why are you standing around wasting time????????
==>
EB: oh, the goggles are cool and all, but they kind of restrict my vision stupidly when i'm using them!
John: Discard sordid receptacle.
John: Exit to balcony.
What a surprise, more lousy imps having their way with the place.
==>
Now what in the hell is going on over there??
==>
Oh no, more embarrassing cleaning apparatus.
John: Assail rogue.
GET THAT SHIT OUTTA HERE!!!
==>
Being culturally sensitive is really hard work.
John: Look up.
It looks like someone's server player has been busy.
John: Pester someone's server player.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- EB: hey rose!
Rose: Answer.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This GA: But Actually GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd GA: And Somehow GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya.
Rose: Be the troll girl.
You are suddenly the troll girl.
Kanaya: Confer with leader.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] GA: Your Speech Was Really GA: Emotional CG: OK I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED YOU BUSTING MY BULGE ABOUT THE SPEECH NOW.
Kanaya: Troll the Rose human.
You begin trolling the Rose human, even though you aren't really feeling this at all.
Kanaya: Open viewport.
There she is.
Kanaya: Keep viewing.
You continue to spy on the Rose human.
==>
The exhibit of depravity maxes out your side of the HORSESHITOMETER.
==>
You hope nobody caught you looking at that.
Kanaya: View the past.
You need to put some distance between yourself and that egregious display.
Kanaya: Enter name.
Why Ms.
Kanaya: Troll the John human.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] GA: Hello GT: hi...?
==>
The conversations with the other two humans didn't go that well either.
==>
Earth is surprisingly pretty.
==>
Ok, you will have to admit that is a nice outfit.
Kanaya: Troll Rose human again.
In a little while, she is back in her hive.
==>
You proceed to have your SECOND CONVERSATION.
Kanaya: Explore this human emotion called friendship.
You can only assume this is a somewhat typical way for human relationships to blossom.
==>
Your FOURTH, FIFTH, AND SIXTH CONVERSATIONS don't fare much better.
Kanaya: Troll the Dave human.
You decide to SEEK COUNSEL from the Rose human's dark spectacled friend.
Kanaya: Have seventh conversation.
You put into motion a cunning plan in your SEVENTH CONVERSATION, in which you have attached a MISSION CRITICAL TEXT DOCUMENT.
Kanaya: Hop to 8=8.
You scan her timeline for the right moment to sync up both your sides of the dialogue.
==>
The FLIGHTY BROADS AND THEIR SNARKY HORSESHITOMETER explodes.
Kanaya: Have eighth conversation.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: What GA: The Hell GA: Did You Just Do TT: Hi there.
==>
GA: What Questions Do You Have TT: I'll start with a simple one.
John: Make backup computer.
You make a new COSBYTOP so you can do some serious computing on the go.
John: Reunite with loving fatherly comedian themed laptop.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] AG: What.
==>
AG: Noooooooo!!!!!!!!
Kanaya: Have sixteenth conversation.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This GA: But Actually GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd GA: And Somehow GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya.
==>
GA: Oh GA: A While Ago TT: Before you first contacted me?
==>
TT: The outcome will happen one way or another.
==>
TT: What do you know about the ?
John: Empty sylladex.
AG: This is the most ridiculous pile of useless crap I have ever seen.
John: Hurry up!
EB: so, uh...
John: Blast off.
EB: pchoo.
John: Pester someone's server player's server player.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- EB: hey dave!
Dave: Make a goddamn killing in the LOHACSE.
==>
It is the perfect crime.
Dave: Receive transfer from John.
Looks like Egbert came through.
Dave: Answer.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] GC: H3Y D4V3 GC: B1G N3WS TG: hey TG: have i made enough money yet GC: OF COURS3 YOU H4V3 GC: MOR3 TH4N W3 COULD 3V3R POSS1BLY F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO W1TH GC: BUT TH4T 1S NOT TH3 B1G N3WS!
Dave: Be the troll girl.
You are suddenly the troll girl.
Terezi: Sniff Skaiaward.
You have recently retreated to the Veil to hide from a mysterious demon which appears to be bent on your destruction.
Terezi: Deploy smelloscope.
You make use of your trusty SMELLOSCOPE, an item you crafted during your adventure.
Terezi: Take a whiff.
Your keen nose penetrates deep into the Insniffisphere I mean Incipisphere and zeroes in on the familiar honey-sweet smell of Prospit.
==>
You take the brunt of the stellar smellsplosion like a sour apple punch to the snout!
Terezi: Return to party.
You suppose you'd better report this to your teammates.
==>
Unsurprisingly, you return to a room full of commotion.
==>
And what is she doing with that chainsaw over there??
==>
And here is your bold leader, passed out on the floor.
Terezi: Report news to partytown subscribers.
It is important to keep your loyal subscribers of the past and future informed.
Terezi: Open memo.
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.
Terezi: Wait for this important thing to happen.
On the instruction of yourself from three minutes in the future, you wait for something to happen.
Terezi: Accept transfer.
Huh. 413 boonbucks.
Terezi: Lick screen.
413 boonbonds???
==>
This is an absolutely preposterous amount of money.
Terezi: Confer with network administrator.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] GC: SOLLUX 1 N33D YOU TO TR4C3 4 MON3Y TR4NSF3R TA: 2omeone 2ent you money?
==>
Who'th thith douthchebag?
Terezi: Examine douthchebag.
The youngster receives striking new eyewear.
==>
It seems the child's lusus was slain in the collision.
Terezi: Observe coolkid.
You learn much of this young creature's civilization and its customs.
==>
The little coolkid is making a mess of his lovely new horseleather bib.
==>
This race appears to be quite martially adept, even from early childhood.
Sollux: Enter name.
You cannot name him yet, no matter how inthufferable you find this coolkid to be!
Terezi: Troll this awesome coolkid.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] GC: H3Y 34RTH BOY GC: W41T...
Terezi: Be the awesome coolkid.
You are suddenly the awesome coolkid.
Dave: Pester Terezi.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] -- TG: what the fuck was the point of this again GC: WHY D4V3 GC: WH4T 1S TH1S TH4T MY NOS3 D3T3CTS GC: COULD 1T B3 GC: T34RS???
Dave: Change into Four Aces Suited.
TG: there now i wont be satisfying your crazy red fetish either GC: >:'C GC: NOW 1 4M CRY1NG TOO YOU S33 WH4T YOU D1D TG: all you get to smell is black TG: like licorice or something TG: you hate licorice right GC: 1 LOV3 L1COR1C3 TG: shit TG: ok lets say i dont smell like licorice then TG: i smell like TG: a coal miners asshole GC: TOO L4T3!
==>
TG: ok so whats the plan GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU WOULD N3V3R 4SK GC: TH3R3 4R3 SO M4NY PL4NS GC: W3 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 SO BUSY D4V3, YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 TG: thats cool TG: but whats the answer that doesnt have anything to do with meaningless bullshit GC: 1SNT 1T OBV1OUS?
==>
TG: its like TG: watching a miracle made of nothing but twitching schroder legs GC: YOU S33 D4V3 GC: 1 TOLD YOU, YOU W1LL NOT R3GR3T H1TCH1NG YOUR SH1TTY JP3GGY FOUR WH33L D3V1C3 TO MY CONST3LL4T1ON GC: TH1S 1S WH3R3 TH3 P4RTYS 4T TG: look at us go TG: i cant stop watching TG: damn TG: those moves GC: TRUST M3 GC: TH3S3 MOV3S DONT STOP K33P T4K1NG PL4C3 GC: NOT 4T TH1S P4RTY TG: i can see im going to have to drop everything TG: drop it like its simultaneously hot and i just tripped over the rug TG: dedicate my undivided attention to this shit GC: D4V3, WHY TR1P OV3R TH4T RUG...
==>
TG: i feel like i should be offering some visual rebuttal here TG: you arent giving me any time though dammit GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 1 H4V3 YOU 4T TH3 T3MPOR4L D1S4DV4NT4G3 GC: 1 C4N P4US3 4ND DO WH4T3V3R 1 L1K3 4ND TH3N CONT1NU3 OUR CONV3RS4T1ON W1THOUT M1SS1NG 4 ST3P!
==>
TG: but seriously what is the real plan here TG: that has to do with not fucking around GC: TH3R3 1S NO PL4N TH4T DO3S NOT 1NVOLV3 FUCK1NG 4ROUND GC: BUT W3 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 4LL OF OUR FUCK1NG W1LL B3 4PPL13D 1N 4 CONSTRUCT1V3 D1R3CT1ON TG: ok could you try to be somehow even less subtle when you hit on me thanks GC: WH4T GC: WH4T D1D 1 S4Y?
John: Pester Vriska.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -- EB: hey vriska!
==>
John is suddenly preoccupied with something.
[S] Vriska: Watch street tough maverick with nothing to lose
John: Answer Karkat.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE.
Dave: Answer Karkat.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE.
John and Dave: Respond to memo.
?
Karkat: Be Past Karkat.
You cannot be Past Karkat because in the past, Past Karkat is asleep!
[S] Past Karkat: Wake up.
John: Connect to Jade.
Aw, there she is.
==>
NANNASPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!
==>
JOHN: nanna, what the heck!!!
==>
JOHN: ok. what is it?
==>
NANNASPRITE: That is completely unacceptable.
==>
JOHN: naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Rose: Get hassled.
These chumps just won't quit hounding you!
Rose: Answer Eridan.
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock TT: ?
==>
caligulasAquarium's [CA'S] computer exploded.
Rose: Answer Aradia.
-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing!
==>
AA: what d0 y0u want with the s0urce 0f the first guardians AA: what g00d d0 y0u really think c0uld c0me 0f it TT: Do you know about it?
Aradia: Randomly explode.
You fail to randomly explode.
Rose: Answer Nepeta.
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- AC: :33 < pst :oo TT: Yes?
Rose: Summon mystery fellow.
Rose: Give Jaspersprite laptop.
You won't need it anymore.
Dave: Get hassled.
Chumps as far as the eye can see.
Dave: Answer Gamzee.
-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS TC: ArE YoU ReAdY TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe TC: BeInG AlL IlLiCiT As tHe vAsT JoKe iTsElF TC: AnD ThEn TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU?
Gamzee: ENGAGE HERO MODE.
This is completely pointless.
Dave: Answer Equius.
-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- CT: D --> I'm attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure CT: D --> I'd assumed the color of your b100d would serve as the basis for placement in the hierarchy, as would be e%pected and natural, but I was mistaken CT: D --> I was similarly in error believing the color of what you type corresponds with the color of your b100d TG: it does bro TG: my bloods red CT: D --> Well, obviously CT: D --> I understand that now, I'm not a f001 TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow CT: D --> I see CT: D --> So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual CT: D --> To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG TG: no TG: well yeah TG: verbal pulse TG: rap battles TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky TG: this is like TG: our religion man TG: its fucking serious business its like what our whole culture revolves around CT: D --> Really CT: D --> So your social e%elons are dictated by the noble artform of the ancient slam poets CT: D --> Or the Earth equivalent TG: yeah well TG: used to be dictated TG: til the rapocalypse happened TG: i still believe though TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way TG: that he will come TG: our savior TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot TG: and hed gather up the ashes of our civilization and lift it like its heavy TG: fuck im tearing up my ishades are gonna fry CT: D --> I believe CT: D --> That this is probably nonsense CT: D --> I've already been hornswoggled repeatedly by your comrades, who I quite reasonably mistook for your superiors in b100dline CT: D --> Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it CT: D --> You will stop CT: D --> I command that all verbal misdire%ion and hoofbeastplay will cease during my communications, is that understood TG: hahahahaha TG: douche CT: D --> Did I say something entertaining TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole CT: D --> I try to stay engaged with many aristocratic practices CT: D --> But I'm not much of a poet TG: come on CT: D --> My poems are private TG: whatever dude TG: deprivatize them CT: D --> If you're prepared to be particularly forceful about it CT: D --> I may be suitably disgusted to comply TG: just TG: take whatevers in there TG: that brorage lust youre feelin TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me CT: D --> Flowing TG: alright TG: weird but alright TG: you sound wound up TG: but my gears are airtight TG: steer clear a the seer and the knight if youre scared of unfair fights TG: youll drop like the staircase impaired, seein em spareds a fair fuckin rare sight TG: for poor eyes like that millionaire whos pockets i mocked earlier TG: hes paradoxically me but richer and surlier TG: broke as his sword before his stock picks skyrocketed TG: worth more than all the chests lockpicked and gold croc bricks and boonbucks i pickpocketed TG: fillin folios with millions im milkin to pad out my pockets TG: more chock full than sad trollian villains cloggin my blocklist TG: so thoughtful to popul- TG: -ate my slate with propositions to copulate to a spate of hemoerotic hotpix TG: which i posit you got shit of that nature in spades TG: as my shades got you locked in TG: spyin a guy whos eyed more cocks and dicks than i got clocks and they got ticks CT: D --> Just a thought.
Dave: Pull sword out of thing.
CT: D --> Perhaps it's that it's martial tacti% that matter for status.
==>
CT: D --> Giving up on the treasure so easily CT: D --> It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility CT: D --> As valuable an asset as strength is CT: D --> And as much as anyone with his wits is fond of being STRONG CT: D --> Such weapons require finesse to operate CT: D --> And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging CT: D --> Hence your no doubt frustrating restraint TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now TG: youre a fuckin creepy dude CT: D --> E%cessive force will shatter such weapons CT: D --> We both know this from e%perience TG: what CT: D --> The adult human who trained you CT: D --> And taught you the ways of being STRONG CT: D --> Remember TG: you mean the guy who spent years beating my ass down with a puppet TG: yeah i remember CT: D --> Yes, and now, being learned in the ways of STRONGNESS CT: D --> You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield CT: D --> Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands CT: D --> Hence the state of your favored weapon, hobbling your specibus CT: D --> I know what this is like TG: man TG: im not that strong ok TG: just cause i broke a cheap ass sword doesnt make me the fucking hulk CT: D --> Oh TG: what did you go around breaking a bunch of swords too CT: D --> No CT: D --> Bows TG: how the fuck do you even wield a broken bow TG: did you go around clubbing shit with the two halves CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Sometimes
==>
CT: D --> What are you doing TG: whats it look like CT: D --> Careful CT: D --> About succumbing to these sorts of destructive CT: D --> Urges CT: D --> Addi%ion is a powerful thing TG: so am i TG: bow down before your new king bitch
==>
CT: D --> I think CT: D --> I need CT: D --> Something to dry myself off with
Dave: Take legendary POS.
Dave: Answer Terezi.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS!
==>
TG: why GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW GC: M4YB3 YOU 4R3 R34LLY T1R3D!
Dave: Summon Davesprite.
DAVE: sup DAVESPRITE: hey
==>
DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch DAVESPRITE: you found that pretty fast DAVE: is that how you pronounce that DAVESPRITE: yeah i guess so DAVESPRITE: i think its welsh DAVE: what are welsh things doing in this game DAVESPRITE: thats an awesome question DAVE: fuck yeah it is DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better DAVE: yeah thats what i figured DAVESPRITE: caledscratch cycles the sword through its own timeline to points when its broken or nonbroken or old and rusted or recently forged etc DAVESPRITE: and your snoop snowcone swords probably even better than that so yeah you got options DAVE: fuck it ill just power through the rest of the game with the SORD.....
==>
DAVESPRITE: oh yeah why DAVESPRITE: rose beckoning you again DAVE: yeah probably DAVE: anyway monsters will show up soon and try to eat my sleeping corpse DAVESPRITE: yeah they werent too happy with my reckless indiana jones bullshit either DAVE: yeah DAVE: so thats where you come in DAVESPRITE: i got your back dude dont worry DAVE: ok DAVE: guess ill make myself comfortable here DAVESPRITE: when you wake up DAVESPRITE: ill probably get going DAVE: what do you mean DAVESPRITE: ill just sort of DAVESPRITE: release myself DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me DAVESPRITE: seems like youve got the stable time loop thing figured out already DAVESPRITE: which means youll be alright DAVESPRITE: future yous will get you out of trouble DAVESPRITE: if youre gonna live up to the responsibility of eventually becoming them DAVESPRITE: and by virtue of loop stability it sort of means you cant technically fuck up anymore DAVESPRITE: but dont let that idea go to your head itll mess you up DAVE: where will you go DAVESPRITE: dunno DAVESPRITE: fly around DAVESPRITE: up away to the sun like a fucknig piece of gargbage DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe DAVESPRITE: elusive bastard DAVE: oh yeah DAVE: where do you think he is DAVE: what happened to him in your timeline DAVESPRITE: who knows DAVESPRITE: i completely lost track of him DAVESPRITE: in that timeline and this one DAVESPRITE: the dude is fucking inscrutable we both know that DAVE: yeah DAVE: ok good luck with that DAVESPRITE: thanks man
Davesprite: Defend.
DAVESPRITE: caw caw motherfuckers
==>
You suddenly understand jack shit.
Jade: Answer.
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] CC: Glub glub. 38) GG: what!!!!!
Jade: Pester Karkat.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -- GG: ok, my robot exploded GG: now what smart guy!
Karkat: Open memo.
CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
Jade: Consult reminders.
That was not a conversation you were hoping to wake up to.
Jade: Remove reminders.
You ditch the strings.
==>
You look up at your house.
Jade: Head home.
Someone has connected as your server player.
John: Be the someone who is Jade's server player.
You are suddenly John being the someone who is Jade's server player.
==>
This seems like the obvious place for this thing.
==>
Jade's family sure is weird.
John: Deploy totem lathe.
For such a huge house, things sure are cluttered in here.
John: Deploy alchemiter.
You suppose you could upgrade this thing right away, if Jade can spare some time to cooperate.
Jade: Go inside.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- GG: john are you there???
==>
EB: ok, we have 10 minutes and 25 seconds.
Jade: Proceed to stairwell.
EB: what is this thing, anyway??
John: Yank monster off of thing.
Jade: Go upstairs.
GG: what is the problem!!!!
Rose: Answer John.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- EB: rose, i have a question, and i am in a hurry!
Jade: Examine punched card.
What the heck is this?
Jade: Pester Dave.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- GG: dave!
Dave: Visit paradox sister.
==>
NO NANNA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Well, at least you are pretty sure she doesn't live in there.
John: Pester Jade.
There is no answer.
==>
YOU ARE JUST SO FRUSTRATED wait why the hell would you do that, what was the point.
John: Equip goggles.
In spite of being an idiot, you still have a viable remaining communication device.
John: Answer Rose.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- TT: John.
John: Look to your right.
TT: This will at least buy you some time.
==>
EB: well, if you do not have any objection...
==>
EB: so what is this tumor supposed to do?
John: Answer the one who hates you.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- CG: IT'S ME AGAIN, ASSHOLE CG: THE ONE WHO HATES YOU, REMEMBER?
==>
He then proceeded to tell you what you did, as such.
==>
CG: YOU MADE AN UNBEATABLE BOSS IS WHAT YOU DID.
==>
CG: THE IDIOT YOU CALL THE JADE HUMAN WENT AHEAD AND PROTOTYPED HER FREAK OF A LUSUS, WHILE YOU DECIDED TO TAKE A NAP FOR SOME REASON RATHER THAN DOING WHAT A LEADER IS SUPPOSED TO DO AND STOP HER FROM BEING SO FUCKING RETARDED.
==>
CG: YOUR VERSION OF JACK, WHO YOU WERE SOMEHOW DUMB ENOUGH TO ENTRUST WITH THE QUEEN'S RING, BECAME ESSENTIALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE.
==>
CG: AND IF THIS WASN'T BAD ENOUGH CG: YOUR "SOLUTION" LATER WOULD BE TO OPEN A RIFT IN SOME GLORIOUS GESTURE OF MEANINGLESS SUICIDE.
==>
CG: AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW CG: BUT THE RIFT YOU OPENED ENABLED HIM TO ENTER OUR SESSION, JUST AS WE WERE ABOUT TO CLAIM OUR PRIZE.
==>
CG: AND NOW WE'RE THE ONES WHO HAVE TO FUCKING DEAL WITH HIM!
==>
EB: jade prototyped a lusus?
==>
CG: BUT IT'S A LOT MORE THAN THAT.
==>
CG: THE RESULT IS A BOSS A HELL OF A LOT WORSE THAN WHAT WE HAD TO FIGHT, AND WE PROTOTYPED TWELVE TIMES RATHER THAN A MEASLY FOUR.
==>
CG: ALRIGHT WELL CG: I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO MAN UP AND APOLOGIZE FOR IT, SO OK I'LL GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR THAT.
==>
CG: WHEN I WOKE UP, EVERYONE HERE WAS BUZZING ABOUT THESE ALIENS CALLED HUMANS.
==>
CG: ANYWAY, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, AND THAT'S WHY YOU ARE SUCH A DISGRACE.
WV: Examine fourth station.
There is something familiar about this.
WV: Examine pumpkin.
You feel as though there is something you've forgotten.
WV: Examine ring.
You have not inspected your treasure in years.
==>
John is the boy you saw that day.
WV?
Egad, a thief approaches!!!
WV: Command the thief's apprentice.
There is so much left for him to do.
sir john, i have politely returned.
Yes, and it seems you have remembered your human etiquette as well.
oh dear. the purple text human again?
Yes.
what about the green text human, that one was nicer.
John is asking about her.
drat. please continue to solicit her graciously, good john.
He will.
why are you on a small rock?
Why yes, he is in peril.
the master thief!
No, now he's talking to the Knight.
i don't like the gray text knight. it is an unpleasant human
He is not a human.
john, stop talking to the gray text not human immediately.
John is too engrossed in the conversation to entertain your wishes.
stop stop stop stop stop stop stop.
The matter he is discussing is quite urgent.
==>
You see what happens when you forget your manners?
Apprentice: Answer thief.
-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- AG: Psssssssst.
==>
EB: that is the dumbest thing i have ever heard.
JOHN, I APOLOGIZE IN A MANNERLY WAY FOR MY BIG LETTERS.
Come on.
BUT I MUST URGE YOU TO ADDRESS THIS DANGER.
The danger currently has John's full attention.
WHY DON'T YOU DO THE WINDY THING?
John has no idea what the windy thing is.
BOY, YOU'RE BEING VERY STUPID.
He really has no idea.
DO THE WINDY THING DO THE WINDY THING DO THE WINDY THING
John suddenly does the windy thing.
==>
-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- AG: Fly, Pupa!!!!!!!!
[S] ==>
"I slept and saw God's forge in frost.
Jade: Answer.
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] CC: Glub glub glub glub glub!
==>
GG: ummm GG: what do you mean i never explained it to you?
==>
You have got to stop falling asleep.
Jade: Get out of bed.
You de-bed.
Jade: Pester John.
You would like to report to John, but it seems you have misplaced your laptop!
Jade: Turn around.
You don't see anything.
[S] Jade: STRIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jade: Level up!
You finally hop off the lowly GREENTIKE rung and secure your position on the somewhat respectable KIDDO ECLIPSE rung.
Jade: Thank best friend.
JADE: thanks bec, good boy!
==>
You think you will try to keep conversations with Becsprite to a minimum from now on.
==>
You have extraordinarily bad timing.
Don't I know you?
Yes, you do.
PM: Rule.
You have no idea how to rule.
WQ: Approach queen.
Your new ruler seems upset.
==>
She should understand that a queen is the sum of her decisions, not her fashion accessories.
PM: Appoint royal advisor.
You make your first decision as the new Prospitian Monarch.
==>
The Questant receives the new ROYAL INSIGNIA.
Jade: Return.
You return to the GRAND FOYER.
==>
JADE: what happened in here?
Jade: Go upstairs.
You return to find your beautiful atrium in ruins.
Jade: Retrieve lunchtop.
You have been dying to get back to your computer so you can touch base with John again.
Jade: Answer Dave.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -- TG: hey TG: welcome to the medium finally i guess GG: hey!!!!!
==>
TG: hes on like his fuckin TG: wind mission or whatever TG: getting all his ridiculous magic cyclone powers on and realizing his huge blowy destiny TG: as the chump of shoosh GG: john has magic cyclone powers?
Jade: Deploy laserstation.
GG: what does this thing do?
Dave: Eject disc.
TG: i guess some captchas are so incomprehensible cause the game thinks it would be too cheap to let you duplicate them TG: like an anti piracy measure TG: so the solution to the anti piracy measure is to override the anti spam measure GG: anti spam?
Dave: Read code.
GG: well youre from the future right?
Dave: Duplicate disc.
TG: thisll be the disc i use for your connection TG: while the original will stay bound to roses connection GG: so you will be the server for BOTH us ladies???
Jade: Go downstairs.
TG: im just going to cut right to the chase and upgrade your alchemiter so you can avoid a lot of bullshit TG: ill give you some codes and you can punch cards and slip em into jumper blocks TG: which are really the exact same codes you first gave me when we upgraded my alchemiter TG: which seems like a hella long time ago GG: it does doesnt it TG: yeah but it kind of literally is for me GG: how long?
Dave: Deploy and upgrade.
GG: yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Jade: OH GOD HURRY UP AND ALCHEMIZE STUFF GO GO GO.
Hey, calm down!
Dave: Wake up.
You already woke up when Jade fired her rifle a foot and a half from your eardrum, and then disappeared.
Dave: Retrieve shades.
STEP OFF. ...
Dave: Answer Rose.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- TT: Hi there.
==>
TT: They've revealed some of their secrets to me already, and given me a few errands to run.
==>
TT: The power source of the first guardians.
==>
TG: you mean with the quest youre sending him on TT: Yes.
==>
TT: It is set to detonate precisely when the reckoning ends.
==>
TG: whoa fuck TG: a suicide mission are you serious TG: no bullshit thats not happening TG: hey look suddenly everything we just talked about was useless because its time to make a plan that doesnt fucking suck TT: Let's not be so dramatic.
Rose: Answer fairy god troll.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Since The Gap Between Your Present Moment And The Implementation Of Your Mystifying Self Destruction Continues To Narrow GA: This Will Be The Last Conversation In Which I Attempt To Talk You Out Of It Nicely TT: I explained this.
==>
GA: Yes Your Shout Pole Is Like A Tower Broadcasting Your Fear Across The Ring And You Are Right To Be Afraid GA: I Have Commissioned None Other Than The Legendary Prince Of Hope And I Am Teaching Him The Ways Of White Sorcery GA: I Have Observed Your Methods And You Will Come To The Most Unwelcome Realization That All Of Your Guile And Cunning Has Finally Backfired GA: This Noble Magician Of Pure Light Will Serve As The Counterpoint To Your Arcane Debauchery GA: He Will Hunt You Down And Goodness And Hope Will Prevail TT: Is it too late to throw myself at your mercy?
Jade: Answer fairy god troll.
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] -- AT: hEEEY, jADE, GG: oh hi!
==>
AT: bUT FOR YOU IT WAS VERY LONG AGO,
==>
AT: aND, iT WAS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE i THINK, AT: oF EXACTLY WHY WIGGLERS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DUAL WIELD FLINTLOCK PISTOLS, GG: hehe what?
==>
AT: sO, i DID THE LIBERTY OF COMMUNING WITH YOUR LUSUS, AT: wHICH i HOPE WASN'T OUT OF LINE, AT: bUT LIKE i SAID, yOU WERE UNAVAILABLE, AT: uHHH, AT: bY WHICH i MEAN, uNAVAILABLY SMALL,
==>
AT: sO THEN i COMMUNED HIM TO USE HIS AMAZING POWERS, tO, AT: iNTERVENE, AT: aND REROUTE THE PROJECTILE AWAY FROM THE PATH THAT WOULD HAVE HARMED YOU, AT: aND ALSO, AT: aS A WONDERFUL BONUS AND COINCIDENCE, AT: iT HAPPENED THERE WAS A FELON ON YOUR PROPERTY,
==>
AT: iT WAS i THINK SURELY AN AGING ROGUE WHO WAS VERY MUCH KEEN ON INTRUDING BETWEEN YOUR REALLY NICE LOOKING FAMILY, AT: aND AS FORTUNE WOULD HAVE IT, AT: tHE SMALL MISSILE WAS REDIRECTED INTO THE SENIOR INTERLOPER'S CHEST, AT: aND HE DIED, AT: }:)
==>
AT: yES, oF COURSE, AT: i WANTED TO GET APPROVAL FROM YOU, tO COMMUNE HIM AGAIN, AT: nOW THAT HE'S A SPRITE, AT: tO PERPETRATE ONE OF MY HEROIC IDEAS AGAIN, GG: uh-ohhh GG: what is your idea this time?
==>
AG: Make sure her chat client isn't 8eing holographically projected for all to see, ok?
Thief: Tear into Page.
AT: uH, AT: wHOOOPS, AG: It was so em8arrassing just reading that Tavros.
==>
AG: The catch is it's not going to work!
==>
AG: The guardian is not going to attack the agents who engineered him in the first place.
==>
AG: I was striking a mutually 8eneficial arrangement!
==>
AG: Tavros, at this point it should 8e o8vious.
==>
AG: 8ut you must agree, 8ecause you were copycatting my idea.
Page: Retrieve arms.
AT: oKAY, tHEN, AT: aLL OF YOUR USUAL INSULTING THINGS ASIDE, mY TAKE ON THIS IS, AT: tHAT YOU CREATED OUR IMPOSSIBLY HARD BAD GUY, wHO WANTS TO KILL US, AT: aND BY ASSOCIATION, i GUESS THAT MAKES, AT: yOU THE BAD GUY TOO, AT: iNSTEAD OF A GOOD GUY WHO'S JUST MEAN, AG: Nice deduction!
==>
AT: aND THAT BEING THE CASE, AT: eVEN THOUGH i'M TERRIFIED OF YOU, AT: aND nOT AS STRONG, AT: oR REAL CONFIDENT, AT: oNLY MOSTLY FAKE CONFIDENT, AG: Yeeeeeeees?
Yes.
And so came to an end the most heroic thing that ever happened in the history of metafiction.
Heir: Level up.
THE WINDY THING subsides, and clear skies prevail.
==>
The clouds have returned.
John: Proceed to Quest Bed.
John: Take legendary nap.
EB: ok, i think i'm ready to take this legendary nap!
Dave: Pester Terezi.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] -- TG: ok GC: WH4T >:?
==>
GC: OK, R3M3MB3R WH3N YOU W3R3 4SK1NG M3 4BOUT TH1S GOD T13R STUFF GC: 4ND HOW JOHN W4S 4BL3 TO 4SC3ND GC: 4ND 1 TOLD YOU 1T WOULD 1NVOLV3 DY1NG GC: 4ND YOU K3PT GO1NG ON 4BOUT 1T, SO 1 G4V3 YOU 4 CHO1C3 GC: TO F1ND OUT NOW, OR F1ND OUT L4T3R TG: yeah i remember TG: that seems like a long time ago already TG: what was that like more than a day for me chronologically GC: Y3S BUT 1T W4S ONLY 4 COUPL3 M1NUT3S 4GO FOR M3 GC: YOU F1N4LLY WOR3 M3 DOWN W1TH 4LL YOUR R3C3NT P3ST3R1NG!
==>
GC: M4YB3 YOU FORGOT GC: 1 WOULDNT BL4M3 YOU S1NC3 TH3R3 H4S B33N 4 LOT TO K33P TR4CK OF GC: BUT H3R3 1S HOW 1T W3NT DOWN GC: YOU W3R3 STRUTT1NG 4ROUND 1N YOUR D3L1C1OUS K1W1 31GHT B4LL SU1T 4ND RUNN1NG YOUR FR3SH MOUTH 4S USU4L GC: durp yo terezi sup sup gotta beat john gotta beat john GC: hes got a long hood and he does wind, how can i get powers too?
==>
GC: R1GHT GC: SO TH3 CHO1C3 1F YOU R3C4LL W4S GC: 1 COULD SHOW YOU HOW TO R34CH TH3 GOD T13R NOW GC: OR 1 COULD SHOW YOU L4T3R GC: 4ND YOU H4D TO 4SS1GN ON3 OPT1ON TO GOOD H34DS GC: 4ND TH3 OTH3R OPT1ON TO B4D H34DS GC: 4ND WH4T3V3R TH3 R3SULT OF TH3 FL1P, YOU H4D TO PROM1S3 TO DO WH4T YOU COMM1TT3D TO B3FOR3 H4ND!
Dave: Show him your stabs.
TG: then TG: this is kind of useless isnt it TG: i thought you were bringing me back here to finish a stable time loop not murder a guy you punked whos gonna die regardless TG: whats the fucking point of giving a doomed version of myself superpowers anyway GC: M4YB3 H3 W1LL STOP B31NG DOOM3D 4FT3R YOU K1LL H1M?
==>
TG: i dunno none of this is making for a very persuasive argument that i should kill doomed me GC: BUT H3 1S GO1NG TO D13 4NYW4Y!
==>
TG: alright then TG: i guess thats enough of this horseshit time to move on right GC: SUR3 GC: 1F YOU R34LLY W4NT TO L34V3 POOR DOOM3D D4V3 H3R3 TO H1S OWN D3V1C3S TG: i dont even want to be around when he wakes up itll be weird and awkward GC: 1 DONT SUPPOS3 1 COULD T4LK YOU 1NTO PUTT1NG H1M OUT OF H1S M1S3RY B4S3D ON TH3 R3SULT OF 4 CO1N FL1P >:D TG: no fuck no TG: put your fucking death coin away jesus TG: i am forbidding you from ever flipping that coin again when youre talking to me or even thinking about me GC: F1N3!!!!
==>
GC: LUCK DO3SNT 4CTU4LLY M4TT3R >8]
==>
The windy boy is dead.
WV: Examine treasure.
Of course you still have your secret treasure, but it will almost certainly prove to be of no use to you in this dilemma whatsoever.
WV: Search for power source.
Oh yeah, there's another thing you forgot about!
Jade: Prepare for imminent windfall.
Ugh, there he goes again, bothering you.
==>
Karkat cannot be conveyed with a more detailed portrait yet.
shit. lets be santa
TG: yes perfect GG: it is the prettiest tree i have ever seen!!!!!
Jade: Draw conksuck boot.
GG: is this conksucky enough TG: its the conksuckiest piece of fucking shit that ever still somehow qualified as a boot GG: <3 TG: you just know imigrants were responsible GG: well...
Jade: Alchemize.
You have put a lot of thought into this and you have some great ideas.
Jade: Make earmuffs.
You combine Rose's HEADBAND with... some sort of of fluffy ball you drew?
Jade: Just draw some earmuffs.
You simply draw a pair of earmuffs, and make them.
Jade: Combine earmuffs and lunchtop.
You make a pair of LUNCHMUFFS!
Jade: Combine Johnny 5 and lunchtop.
You figure as long as you have the LUNCHTOP card handy, you might as well try to do something with this dumb JOHNNY 5 GHOST IMAGE you accidentally made once.
==>
You make the JOHNNYTOP!
Jade: Combine Iron Man armor and outfit.
You decide to cut to the chase and do something that will have indisputably cool results.
==>
You make the IRON LASS SUIT!
Jade: Combine one of grandpa's beauties and outfit.
You sketch one of his silly sun-bleached blue lady portraits.
==>
You make the DRESS OF ECLECTICA!
Jade: Combine Rose's crystal ball and magic cue ball.
You lost your MAGIC CUE BALL in the explosion, so you will have to draw it and hope your modus knows what you're getting at.
==>
Sadly, the modus interprets your circle as a boring and useless MAGIC 8 BALL.
Jade: Combine Rose's crystal ball and magic 8 ball.
You make a TRANSPARENT MAGIC 8 BALL!
Jade: Combine crystal ball and glasses.
You make the SOOTH SPECS!
Jade: Combine sooth specs and lunchtop.
You make the JUNIOR COMPU-SOOTH SPECTAGOGGLES!
Jade: Combine furry trophy, lunchtop, and shirt/shoes.
You grab one of your grandpa's softest trophies and use it to make a really stylish WARM FUZZY SQUIDDLEJACKET!
Jade: Combine Dave's Midnight Crew poster and rifle.
You make a GIRL'S BEST FRIEND!
Jade: Combine Charles Dutton and squiddle.
You still have this CHARLES DUTTON GHOST IMAGE you accidentally made.
Jade: Sketch particle accelerator.
You put the leering duttle out of your mind and try to sketch one of the pieces of equipment from your destroyed room to the best of your recollection.
Jade: Combine rifle, iron lass suit and particle accelerator
It worked!
==>
Or you would, if you were able to afford the thing.
Jade: Combine mummy and MC poster and outfit.
You made the DEAD SHUFFLE DRESS!
Jade: Combine green sun bedsheets and girl's best friend.
You make the GREEN SUN STREETSWEEPER!
Jade: Combine dress of eclectica, Felt poster, and 8 ball.
You make the THREE IN THE MORNING DRESS!
Jade: Combine mecha, streetsweeper, and iron suit.
You still have this MECHA GHOST IMAGE you made a while ago, by accident as usual.
Jade: Combine Dutton and sooth specs.
You make the DUTTON BUBBLE GOGGLES!
==>
You can see into eternity.
==>
HAPPY APRIL 13TH, 2009 EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
==>
All of your computers light up at once as some douche bag starts hassling you, whoever this douche bag might be.
Jade: Answer this douche bag.
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] -- CA: noww that youre done makin all that pointless rubbish CA: ivve got somethin wway more wworth your wwhile GG: which one were you again?
Jade: Make this legendary piece of shit.
GG: hmmm...
Jade: Throw LPOS outside with the trash.
Sollux: Answer Aradia.
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] AA: hi TA: hii?
0_0
Come on buddy, turn that 0_0 into a 0u0!
Doomed Dave: Pester Terezi.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] -- TG: well that was apparently pointless TG: now what TG: hello TG: terezi TG: whats up GC: >:[
Jade: Employ junior compu-sooth spectagoggles.
These things cost a fortune to make.
Jade: View John.
There he is.
Jade: View Dave.
According to the spectagoggles, there are currently 13 Daves scattered around the incipisphere, including Davesprite.
Jade: View Davesprite.
The goggles zero in on a pendant.
==>
oh nooooooo It seems that Dave is no longer too cool to have any dead family members.
Jade: View missing Dave.
OH NOOOOOOO
Jade: Pester a Dave.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- GG: dave!!!!!!
Jade: Do what you're about to do.
You don't know what you're about to do!
Jade: Pester Tavros.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering adiosToreador [AT] -- GG: hey tavros!
==>
You don't think you can afford to wait around for him.
Jade: Go upstairs to laboratory.
You enter the spooky old lab.
Jade: Summon dog.
Becquerel comes quickly at the promise of irradiated steak.
==>
You're sure gonna miss him!
Jade: Say hello.
JADE: hello!
==>
JADESPRITE: what did you do...
==>
JADESPRITE: what did you do???
==>
JADESPRITE: WHAT DID YOU DO??????
Elsewhere...
While a timer counts down with no particular clock stepping forward to claim it...
==>
The most important character in Homestuck fondly regards the miracle of a new beginning.
Lord English: Reveal yourself!!!!!
BEHLD.
AH: Don't actually turn out to be LE.
What are you a fucking idiot?
AH: Disrobe.
Why don't we cover this thing up.
AH: Retire to study.
I retire to my heavily processed photograph of Andrew Carnegie's study, painstakingly retrieved from a google image search.
AH: Go check out Cal.
That Ms.
AH: Pull up to the old underwood.
Got a lot of typing to do.
AH: Bust out shitty self portrait.
Whoops, needs the Felt duds.
AH: Apply duds.
Awesome, works for me.
AH: Begin typing.
No no this is not nearly fast enough, or jittery enough.
Recap 3.
After Act 4, we began Act 5 Act 1, otherwise known as Hivebent.
Highlighting all that white text crashed my browser.
Sorry.
==>
JADE: uuugh JADE: what happened?
==>
JADESPRITE: why are you doing this to me, why are you making me remember JADE: :( JADESPRITE: it was so beautiful and it was all destroyed before i even knew what was going on....
==>
JADESPRITE: i dont want to be here, i have to go back JADESPRITE: but i dont know how JADESPRITE: can you help me?
==>
JADESPRITE: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH JADE: I SAID PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU BLUBBERING GODDAMN PANSY JADESPRITE: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: JUST SHUT UP.
==>
JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: SHUT UP JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: NO JADE: JUST JADE: GOD DAMN IT JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: PLEASE JADE: JUST ONCE JADE: SHUT THE HELL UP JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: SHUT UP JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: SHUT JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: THE JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: FUCK JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO JADE: UP JADESPRITE:
Jade: Answer patron troll.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] -- CG: ATTENTION HARLEY.
==>
GG: :\ GG: what are you getting at???
==>
GG: so then i guess GG: im a hypocrite :( CG: NOT REALLY CG: IT JUST MEANS YOU'RE A SANE RATIONAL PERSON, AND THERE JUST MIGHT BE HOPE FOR YOU YET GG: wait...
==>
GG: ok, i can do that GG: but why, what does it do?
Jade: Examine 4th wall.
You size up the arcane contraption.
WV: Build a fort.
In your attempt to find an exit, you have pried some paneling off the walls.
Serenity: Go get help.
You have humored these antics long enough.
WQ: Advise Prospitian Monarch.
Your new queen is eager for your counsel.
==>
A fifth exile, sleeping for centuries in the belly of the ruins, far beneath the desecrated idol once sharing its visage with the legendary SPEAKER OF THE VAST CROAK.
==>
Soon the WRIT KEEPER will awaken and serve his new queen.
==>
She would like clarification on the nature of the work, which you are happy to provide.
==>
And again, you explain she will have help.
==>
But first, there will be tidying up to do.
==>
Once the regent's task is complete, the queen must use the key to set the destination for her royal entourage.
==>
The vessels must be destroyed.
Serenity: Blink for help furiously!
You interrupt whatever nonsense these silly people are planning with an extremely urgent message!!!
==>
Unfortunately, your simple message cannot seem to penetrate their thick carapaces.
AR: Prepare to tidy up.
You heard the new queen in town needs a powdermonkey on the double.
WV: Dream.
.-- .... .- - / .- / -.. .- .-. .. -. --. / -.. .-. . .- --
==>
- --- / -.-. --- -- -... .. -. . / - .... . / ..-. .. -. . ... - / --.- ..- .- .-.. .. - .. . ... / --- ..-. / .... ..- -- .- -. .. - -.-- / .-- .. - .... / - .... . / . .-.. . --. .- -. -.-. . / .- -. -.. / -. --- -... .. .-.. .. - -.-- / --- ..-. / - .... . / .- -. .. -- .- .-.. / -.- .. -. --. -.. --- --
==>
.... --- .-- / -.-- --- ..- / .-- .. ... .... / -.-- --- ..- / -.-. --- ..- .-.. -.. / -.- -. --- .-- / - .... . .. .-. / .-- --- .-. .-.. -..
==>
- --- / .... . .- .-. / --- -. . / -. .. --. .... - / - .... --- ... . / -- ..- - . -.. / .--. .- .-- .--. .- -.. ... / - .-. .- .. .--. ... . / ..- .--. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / ... - .- .. .-. ...
==>
.- / .-.. --- .-- / -... ..- - / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. .-.. -.-- / --. .-. --- .-- .-.. / ..- -. ... . - - .-.. . ... / -.-- --- ..- .-. / ... .-.. ..- -- -... . .-.
==>
.- -. -.. / .- ... / - .... . / ... --- .--. --- .-. / ... . . .--. ... / ..-. .-. --- -- / -.-- --- ..- .-. / . -.-- . ...
==>
- .... . -.-- / -.. . - . -.-. - / .- / ... .... .- .-. .--. / .--. .- .. .-. / --- ..-. / . .- .-. ... / -.-. ..- - - .. -. --. / -- --- --- -. .-.. .. --. .... -
==>
.- / -- -.-- ... - . .-. .. --- ..- ... / .-- --- .-.. ...- . -. / - --- -. --. ..- . / .. -. ...- .. - . ...
==>
.-- --- ..- .-.. -.. -. .----. - / - .... . ... . / . .- .-. ... / ... ..- .. - / -.-- --- ..- ?
==>
.-- --- ..- .-.. -.. / -. --- - / - .... .. ... / .--. .-. --- ..- -.. / .-.. --- -. --. / ... -. --- ..- - / .- ... ... .. ... - / -.-- --- ..- / .. -. / - .... . / .... ..- -. - ?
==>
A weird bug approaches.
==>
.... . -.-- / -.-- --- ..- !!!!!!!!
==>
.-- .... .- - . ...- . .-. / .. - / .. ... / ..-. --- .-. --. . - / .. - !
==>
-. --- .-- / .-- ---.. -.- . / ..- .--. !
==>
.. / ... .- .. -.. / .-- ---.. ---.. ---.. ---.. ---.. ---.. ---.. ---.. -.- . !
Kanaya: View Rose.
You have already viewed this moment a hundred times.
Kanaya: Contact future Jade.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] -- GA: Are You Feeling Any More Cooperative In This Timeframe GG: password!
Kanaya: Contact past Jade.
==>
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] -- GA: Im Appreciating Our Conversations From This Timeframe More And More GA: Past You Is Much Less Of A Taskmaster Than Future You Or Pre Blackout Rose GG: thanks i think!
==>
GA: Yeah GG: uhhhhhhhhh...
==>
GA: Anyway GA: I Had Imagined I Would Hatch The New Grub On A Planet In Your Universe GA: And When That Became Impossible I Quickly Lost Hope GA: I Assumed It Would Remain Locked In Its Card Forever GA: Which Could Only Be Opened When The Orb Was Meant To Be Used GA: But Then I Found Something Quite Unexpected When I Was Exploring This Lab GA: I Found A Key GA: It Was Deep In The Meteor GA: And As I Suspected It Released The Orb GA: Which Was Really Confusing To Me For A While GA: Until I Realized What It Meant GA: Which Is So Obvious Im Amazed I Didnt Think Of It Right Away GG: what!
Dave: Deploy cloning apparatus.
Jade: Examine.
GG: its...
==>
GG: i cant get over how tiny this thing is!
==>
GG: ok, here is a frog on the screen GG: on no, is it trapped in ice?
Jade: Appearify frog.
GG: oh god, it is still a frogcicle!!!!
Jade: Search for a new frog.
GG: ok, i will try this GG: heheh, look at this handsome guy here, hiding in the woods and being sneaky GG: he looks frozen solid too GG: so if i go bother him later, that means if i try to take him now i will only get slime right???
Jade: Clone frog.
GG: yaaaaaay!!!
Jade: Give him a home.
GG: so i am supposed to wait for him to grow up, and then breed him with other frog paradox clones?
[S] Kanaya: Return to the core.
Karkat: Examine Kanaya.
KANAYA ARE YOU OK HEY OH GOD WHAT HAS HE DONE.
Karkat: Examine Sollux.
You are relieved to find Sollux is not DEAD.
Karkat: Examine Feferi.
She is DEAD.
Karkat: Examine Kanaya's computer.
Someone was contacting her.
==>
What is that supposed to mean?
Karkat: Turn around.
You turn around very slowly, pretending not to be nervous.
Karkat: Answer.
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] TC: honk.
==>
You have never been so scared in your entire life.
Karkat: Open memo.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
==>
CCG: HEY ASSHOLE CCG: CONSIDER OUR "PACT" OVER PCA: wwevve got a pact CCG: NOT ANYMORE CCG: YOU ARE DEAD TO ME CCG: PAST YOU, PRESENT YOU, FUTURE YOU CCG: AND ABOVE ALL, UGLY SCARFNECKED DOUCHEBAG HIPSTER YOU CCG: WAIT I FORGOT, ALL OF THE YOUS ARE THAT YOU CCG: IF I WASN'T SO TERRIFIED, I'D BE CONSUMED WITH ANGER, AND AS SOON AS I'M DONE COWERING IN A DARK CORNER HIDING FROM THAT HONKING MURDEROUS TOOL, I'M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND FILLET YOU WITH MY SICKLE.
Terezi: Examine Tavros.
Oh my!
==>
The upset of the upsetting discovery quickly turns to dismay and grief.
Terezi: Investigate.
The scene is a gruesome spectacle to your nose, otherwise known as a nostacle.
Terezi: Consider suspects.
Before the full investigation is underway, a legislacerator will always have a chief suspect in mind.
Terezi: Sniff around for clues.
Above, you detect faint traces of what you reckon to be special stardust, such as the kind left behind by the flapping wings of a mischievous fairy.
==>
And not far from that, you detect bright trails of white light.
Terezi: Inspect noise.
Oh, of course.
Terezi: Deploy forensics crew.
But first you must complete your investigation.
Terezi: Draw outline.
Professor Pucefoot immediately begins drawing a pointless chalk outline around the body, as is standard protocol.
Terezi: Dust for prints.
You grind up a piece of chalk and dab Inspector Berrybreath's ample plush rump into the powder.
==>
There are no prints on the victim's face either.
==>
The murder weapon however reveals a plethora of prints!
==>
The inspector's bottom has become dreadfully bloody though...
Terezi: Get medical report.
What's that, Doctor Honeytongue?
Terezi: Prepare to revive.
This is not going to be pretty.
Karkat and Terezi: Revive.
==>
Alas, they cannot be revived.
Rufio: Make him pay.
Oh no!
==>
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
==>
Why don't we see what John's up to.
John: Behold puffy oracle.
You are transfixed by the haunting mystery and beauty of this cloud's message.
John: Snap out of it.
You somehow manage to pry your eyes from the exquisite celestial projection.
John: Take wallet.
You pick up the WALLET.
John: Become overwhelmed with responsibility.
You are suddenly extremely overwhelmed.
John: Check contents of wallet.
The first card you examine contains ONE TON OF SHAVING CREAM.
WV?
Oh goodness, such lovely cargo the boy has produced from his small brown square.
==>
You should be careful with that.
WV?
You gulp down decadent foamy dollops of the BEARD BUSTER, and quickly respond with the BLUH callback as depicted jostling in the lower right hand corner of the image, because it is not nearly as tasty as you'd hoped.
John: Empty wallet.
You don't have all day to be pawing through this thing while your silly friend eats shaving cream.
John: Examine contents.
Look at all this fatherly loot!
John: Examine photographs.
The wallet unsurprisingly contained a series of sentimental photographs of you when you were young.
John: Examine laptop.
Hooray, a computer!
John: Clean up this mess.
You recaptchalogue the stuff and put it away neatly in your dad's sweet wallet.
==>
Oh for the love of...
John: Buckle up.
Safety is the most important thing.
WV?
You presume the windy boy knows what he is doing.
WV?
Your feet do not reach the little steppy levers.
John: Just do windy thing already.
He probably would have been a terrible driver anyway.
John: Pester Jade.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -- EB: hey jade, are you there?
==>
GG: oh noooo EB: it's ok though, it already happened.
Karkat: Contact John.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- CG: JOHN.
==>
This message was rather disconcerting.
John: Pester Karkat.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -- EB: karkat!!!
Future Karkat: Retreat into lab.
==>
You have been so busy being consumed by unspeakable horror, you didn't notice someone has been trying to contact you.
Karkat: Answer Terezi.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] GC: K4RK4T, 1 H4V3 GR4V3 4ND S3R1OUS N3WS TO R3PORT GC: 1 H4V3 D1SCOV3R3D TH3 SC3N3 OF 4 R34L L1F3 MURD3R!
Karkat: Examine Sollux.
You wish he would wake up.
Karkat: Put teeth back in.
There.
Karkat: Contact Equius.
You were hoping it wouldn't have to come to this.
==>
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] CG: EQUIUS, ARE YOU THERE?
Terezi: Return to computer lab.
You foolishly misplaced your glasses during your heroic revival attempt, leaving you with no way of communicating with the others to warn them.
Terezi: Sample sauce.
Someone either had a MAJOR sauce accident earlier, or this is the scene of yet another REAL LIFE MURDER!
Terezi: Examine horn pile.
This was no nap.
Terezi: Examine body.
Another textbook impaling.
Terezi: Examine marks.
Hmm...
==>
Has the killer really developed a taste for blood?
[S] Equius: Seek the highb100d.
Gamzee: ENGAGE MURDER MODE.
This is completely terrifying.
Gamzee: Draw Deuce Clubs from strife deck.
John: Take car.
This is why seat belt safety should always be paramount.
John: Proceed to castle.
Perhaps this is the one?
John: Answer.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] AG: Hi John.
==>
AG: I guess I have to admit I don't actually know that much a8out humans either!
Terezi: Message Karkat.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] GC: K4RK4T, MOR3 B4D N3WS carcinoGeneticist [CG] did not receive message from gallowsCalibrator [GC] GC: >:?
Karkat: Examine equipment.
You reflect on your prior experience as the team's ectobiologist.
==>
EB: so... what about jack?
==>
AG: You know how I said I couldn't rel8 to the attachment you have for your guardians?
==>
AG: It was 8efore I ever started gaming, or rounding up other kids to feed my lusus.
==>
AG: It was her journal!
Sollux: Pester Terezi.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] TA: terezi?
==>
GC: 1'M R3L13V3D YOU 4ND H3 4R3 OK GC: 1 W4S G3TT1NG SO WORR13D, H3 WOULDN'T 4NSW3R TA: seems like he wants t0 talk t0 y0u.
==>
GC: 1 HOP3 YOUR3 R1GHT TA: s0, since i guess i have t0 learn t0 be blind n0w, d0 y0u have any tisps f0r me?
Dave: Resist great urge to play Bro's Xbox.
As usual, you fail to resist the urge.
Dave: Reset.
Someone is bothering you.
Dave: Answer.
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] AA: hello!
==>
AA: i know you arent AA: but i am TG: what AA: maid of time AA: whereas you are the knight of the very same cosmic faculty AA: it would seem we have very little in common dave AA: when in fact we have very much TG: yeah TG: i think TG: im gonna shut off my phone now cya AA: yes AA: thats definitely what you did the first time we had this conversation AA: so i will wait patiently while you realize thats not what youre going to do this time TG: uh TG: what TG: the fuck AA: dave describe to me why you are now incredulous please TG: i remember this TG: i remember shutting off my phone and never talking to you again TG: but TG: im still talking TG: whats going on AA: of course you remember that AA: this is a memory TG: no its a dream TG: im asleep TG: or am i TG: what is going on here AA: come to the window TG: why AA: because im outside TG: bs AA: take a look TG: i dont see anything out there AA: that iiis AA: becaaause AA: im not out there anymore!
==>
TG: oh sup TG: looks like youre a fairy AA: yeah TG: thats cool
==>
TG: these arent my shades anymore TG: john gave me these new ones for my bday TG: i remember that TG: and i wasnt wearing this shirt TG: it was this one TG: howd it get like that AA: try to remember TG: i cant TG: wait TG: i wasnt wearing this actually
==>
TG: i was wearing this suit TG: no wait TG: it was a black one AA: are you sure TG: yeah TG: and i was playing sburb TG: thats right TG: and then i went to sleep at some point TG: which is why im asleep now TG: but TG: if im dreaming TG: then why am i not awake as my dream self AA: why indeed!
==>
TG: it was this ugly fucking rag AA: yes AA: i think it looks pretty nice but go on TG: and i went to take a nap TG: terezi said id reach god tier TG: or i guess show me why i wouldnt TG: did it work is this part of the process somehow AA: no AA: sorry TG: so then TG: its just a stupid pointless dream AA: not exactly TG: wait TG: oh yeah TG: i woke up TG: and then
==>
TG: so then TG: im dead AA: yes TG: then this isnt a memory or a dream at all TG: its the afterlife AA: yes and no AA: yes and 2 nos!
==>
TG: ok TG: what is going on over here then TG: is this some disturbing ghost hallucination should i start slapping myself or what AA: no this actually did happen TG: i dont remember this AA: thats because it isnt your memory AA: this is alpha dave AA: the one who chose not to take the nap which led to your death TG: fuck TG: lucky bastard TG: so then i guess terezi tricked me AA: did she AA: didnt you ask for this TG: it would have been cool to know if picking one option would definitely kill me pointlessly so yeah TG: but i guess i kept giving her shit about it and i knew she was kind of crazy and morbid anyways so whatever TG: is TG: bro dead there AA: evidently TG: like in reality TG: like thats a thing that really happened TG: also TG: is reality still a thing that means something can that be a question on the table too AA: yes yes and yes AA: yes it can be on the table and yes reality still means something AA: and yes your guardian did die TG: well TG: dammit TG: what did i do wrong TG: aside from getting my ass killed in the most retarded way possible AA: nothing AA: all is well and as it should be TG: whats he doing TG: alpha me AA: what would you be doing there if you were him TG: i am him AA: even better!
==>
TG: where are we now AA: oh look this was my hive!
==>
AA: it seems you have a hiveguest dave TG: aw hell no TG: is this who i think this is AA: tavros has been looking forward to meeting you AT: hEYYY, AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE FANTASTIC, AT: wHICH IS TO SAY, jUST AN ENVIABLY COOL GUY, wHO i ADMIRE, AT: lET'S PUT THAT COMPLIMENT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT, TG: holy shit AT: lOOKS LIKE i FOUND ANOTHER POINT IN TIME TO BOTHER YOU, AT: wHEN, i GUESS, AT: yOU ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY SUSCEPTIBLE, AT: }:) TG: dude TG: are those sick fires youre packing there TG: you best not be bringin that fire into my bubble less you plan on dropping that shit AT: oHH, bRO, AT: tHESE ARE WITHOUT ANY CONFUSION TO BE NOTED AS SOME TRULY UNHEALTHY INCENDIARIES, AT: tHEY ARE IN ABOVE AVERAGE NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION, AT: sO, iN OTHER WORDS, jUST TO COMPLETE THE ANALOGY, i HOPE YOU KNOW A LICENSED PHYSICIAN, TG: i am your general fucking practitioner and doctors orders are to shut up and burn down my goddamn office TG: ill break your brittle ass like a graham cracker and well roast smores over the flaming debris have i made myself clear AT: aH, hAHA, yES, aND, AT: cERTAIN FEATURES OF YOUR PALE ANATOMY MAY SERVE AS THE MARSH MALLOW INGREDIENT, nEEDED FOR THE MOLTEN SNACK, AT: i WILL PROVIDE THE FUDGE, }:D TG: dude TG: gross TG: so aradia just so were clear TG: this is like a hellbubble right TG: its my eternal punishment to have shitty rapoffs with this tool forever is that it AA: yes you figured out the mystery!
==>
AA: i am very much alive AA: and i intend to stay that way :)
John: Prepare to leave castle.
EB: ok then, i guess i will get going.
==>
More wine for the lady?
==>
The fellow has stained the mademoiselle's fine garment.
==>
The woman has never met a gentleman so strong and considerate and handsome.
==>
The man and the woman are at ease.
Vriska: Read Mindfang's journal.
==>
~ On the 14th 8ilunar perigee of the 2nd dim season's equinox ~ The Orphaner poses a caliginous riddle like no other I've met.
==>
~ On the 16th ~ My suspicions have 8een confirmed.
==>
And so I am visited 8y a 8it of 8ad luck for a change.
==>
He's applied his own resources to increase the 8ounty on my head.
==>
~ On the 20th ~ If only my hoard were as 8ottomless as his desire to disappoint me.
==>
~ On the 21st ~ I've learned Dualscar has reported to the Grand High8lood all the intelligence he has on me and my fleet.
==>
It's 8een nearly a week since Dualscar's fitting end and I'd all 8ut forgotten the matter.
==>
Neophyte Redglare is reported to 8e quite talented.
==>
As for Redglare, it would surprise me if I ever heard her name again.
Be Jack Noir.
You are now Jack Noir.
Jack: Accessorize immediately.
You begin claiming trophies to celebrate your magnificent triumph over the defenseless loving couple.
Jack: Take a prize from the lady.
This beautiful scarf will look quite dramatic as you soar through the air, scouring the surface for new victims.
==>
This is no way for a killer of your elite profile to dress.
==>
God you are so bored.
Jack: Sniff out new prey.
It used to be that when you were bored with paperwork, you would go distract yourself by sharpening one of your favorite knives, or give your most disapproving scowl through a fenestrated wall to survey the kingdom.
Jack: Succumb to unfathomable bloodlust.
You are consumed by murderous thoughts and you prepare to embark on a killing spree to end all oh for fuck's sake you start thinking about dog things again.
Jack: Suppress thoughts of unfathomable Snausages.
You successfully suppress all thoughts of delicious little wrapped wieners and infuriating things like mail and its agents of delivery.
==>
And it is surely why you couldn't go through with it.
Jack: Contact DD?.
You get the Draconian Dignitary on the line.
DD?
You attempt to humor the Sovereign Slayer's demands diplomatically.
DD?
You hit up the droll.
CD?
The dignitary is one of your superiors who makes you nervous.
Be future Jack Noir.
You are now future Jack Noir.
Jack: Wait.
You attempt to be patient.
Be Aradia.
You are now the Maid of Time, recently resurrected from the crypt of Derse.
==>
You're done with dying.
==>
Soon, friends will arrive.
==>
Whose memory is this?
==>
It appears to be yours.
==>
This is not specifically your memory.
Aradia: Report discovery.
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] AA: s0llux!
==>
AA: is it coming back yet TA: is WHAT c0ming back, wh0 ARE y0u?
==>
AA: you are just asleep AA: you are also blind!
==>
TA: well, yeah, y0u kind 0f were, s0rt 0f a reuni0n 0f cl0se departed friends g0ing 0n here, but n0 big deal i guess.
==>
AA: it is important because it will help us begin to understand why we are all here TA: what d0 y0u mean why we are all here?
==>
AA: hey kanaya AA: there is s0mething i want t0 give y0u GA: Oh Really AA: yes its s0mething very 0dd i f0und when i disc0vered the ruins the 0ther night AA: i d0nt kn0w what its arche0l0gical significance is yet but i suspect y0u will be able t0 repair it!
==>
TA: s0 like, TA: 0k s0 i'm supp0sed t0 act 0ut what i did bef0re, when i br0ught her these shitty d0ll parts, is that's what's g0ing 0n here?
==>
GA: There Isnt Much To Say GA: I Repaired The Doll And Made Him A Nice Outfit GA: With A Far More Becoming Palette And Fit Than The Absurd Tatters He Was Found In GA: I Thought At Least AA: yes GA: Uh GA: Should There Be Anything Else To This Story AA: not really!
==>
AT: i DON'T REMEMBER THIS, AT: i MEAN, AT: i REMEMBER GETTING JUMPED OFF THE CLIFF BY MY LEGS, AT: bUT NOT THE THING i'M DOING NOW, AA: no AA: our manipulator disguised his tracks well AT: dO i, AT: hAVE TO LIE ON THE FLOOR LIKE THIS, AT: iS THAT IMPORTANT, AA: no tavros you can get up AT: aLSO, AT: cAN WE, oR AT LEAST i, bE NOT IN THIS MEMORY, AT: bECAUSE, AT: iT'S ONE THAT'S NOT AS GREAT AS MOST, AA: we will leave it soon AA: but you were doing something very important here AT: wHAT WAS i DOING, AA: writing a part of the code
==>
AA: an incomplete fragment consisting of four symbols AA: comprising the first word of a binary refrain AA: a pair of sounds emerging from the belly of a fabled tyrants menace AA: but you authored only one sound of the pair
==>
AA: i would write the other
==>
AA: in the soot of my ruined hive i scrawled my part of the code AA: completing the phrase of legend AA: the persisting sounds said to accompany the ultimate demise of the tyrant less an arm and an eye AA: but even these eight characters AA: the scrawlings of charge AA: were still but half the code
==>
AA: there was another half by scourge in two parts AA: one part three symbols
==>
AA: and the other AA: five AA: why the scale was tipped in this way between sisters AA: i cannot say!
==>
AA: each fragment would be transcribed in our rulebooks AA: sealing the collaboration between rust bloods and blue bloods AA: completing the code for our sessions architect AA: not exactly
==>
AA: there was another fragment AA: oh?
==>
AA: it came from a timeline not meant to happen AA: the one i came from to ensure it wouldnt AA: thus sealing my fate
==>
AA: i believed the fragment was gibberish from a lunatic AA: after completing his rampage through our session AA: since it was not part of the scripted chronology i was oblivious until it was too late to stop it AA: not that it would matter if i did the timeline had already gone astray AA: i pieced together what had happened by sleuthing the various scenes
==>
AA: and discovered the text which the code was recorded in AA: i decided to return to the alpha timeline with the text AA: as evidence for his madness i guess AA: in the alpha timeline this text was destroyed AA: in an explosion caused by a computer virus AA: this explosion did not take place on my timeline AA: i identified this event as the difference prompting the offshoot AA: and returned to our planet via the reckoning just as i did at the end of my life AA: though that time deliberately AA: to influence events quietly to make sure it happened AA: and later joined the rest of our doomed selves to help defeat the king AA: the others surely had similar responsibilities along the way
==>
AA: as for the book AA: i lost track of it shortly after i arrived AA: yes we all lost track of our books
==>
AA: they were gathered surreptitiously by agents assigned to the task
==>
AA: and in the veil their codes were merged with the ghost imprints of other mysterious artifacts
==>
AA: our first guardian was brought to life on the seed to pass through skaias final gate of defense AA: the first to find alternia
Be Scratch.
You once again try to be Doc Scratch, and fail spectacularly.
o
[I am also doing it because I am expecting a guest to arrive shortly.
o
[My door is not fitted with a peephole either.
o
[Did you not believe it would be Jack?
o
[Oh for heaven's sake.]
o
[When I am finished with this minor interruption, we will resume our gentlemanly negotiation.
Be teenage girl from another universe.
You cannot be a teenage girl from another universe, because you are too busy being a teenage girl from this universe.
Rose: Pester informant.
TT: It's quite warm here on Lohac.
==>
You are situated near the game construct supplied by your session for causing the Scratch, yes?
==>
TT: Then can you at least tell me if we will be successful in preserving ourselves after the reset?
==>
TT: This doesn't sound like an especially admirable objective.
==>
TT: How can I see through it?
Rose: Answer.
TT: Sorry for the delayed response.
==>
GG: rose please say something GG: you are making me nervous...
Rose: Go dark.
You slip into the fabled blackdeath trance of the woegothics, quaking all the while in the bloodeldritch throes of the broodfester tongues.
==>
This is because, as is now painfully obvious to anyone with a brain, you have basically gone completely off the deep end in every way.
Rose: Resist urge to seek revenge.
You make a halfhearted attempt to resist the urge.
==>
Alas, one is not easily shaken from the broodfester tongues.
==>
They are stubborn throes.
Big Man: Request time out.
I want to know.
OK ANYWAY LET'S GET BACK TO JOHN.
CD?
You and your rabbit friend approach a gentleman wrapped in a fine white cloth, and his courageous cohort, a young man riding a great gust of wind!
John: Reunite with Liv Tyler.
Sweet, precious, beautiful Liv Tyler.
==>
But you wonder where all of her sweet weapons went.
==>
She indicates in the language of plush toy pantomime that she has no idea!
John: Retrieve tiny hammer.
This tiny hammer is so ridiculous!
==>
You got the WARHAMMER OF ZILLYHOO.
[S] All: Behold glory of Zillyhoo.
==>
You are so delighted by your rad new hammer and the cool hugening abilities of Liv Tyler or Terry Kiser or whatever her/his name is.
==>
Wait, what happened to her green eye?
John: Wear the hood.
You are not their leader, you are their FRIEND, there is a BIG difference!
==>
First you request that everyone settle down!
==>
You then in your most leaderly way ask Liv to pilot that enormous battleship!
==>
She littlefies the ship down to something more manageable for a small bunny captain.
==>
You give your wallet to your loyal chauffeur familiar.
John: Bid farewell.
Godspeed, heroes.
==>
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- GG: john!!!
==>
GG: oh god please dont tell me your computer was in the wallet you just gave that guy.....
==>
Something is happening on the other side of the planet.
John: Approach grimdarkness.
==>
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] AG: John!!!!!!!!
Dave: Answer.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] GC: STR1111111D3R TG: oh my fucking god GC: WH4T >:?
==>
GC: D4V3 G3T UP TG: no fuck that TG: im a lie my ass right down here for a while looking slightly less cool than i make myself out to be ordinarily GC: YOU MUST ST4ND T4LL, ONLY 4 TRU3 H3RO COULD PULL OFF SUCH 4N 4CROB4T1C FUCK1NG P1ROU3TT3 OFF OF TH4T H4NDL3 >:] TG: that is basically what i just did isnt it GC: Y3S TG: thats what im doing here im making a point of makin every little thing take place what was once mentioned in passing no matter how seemingly trivial or pointless TG: thats how all the best adventures get strung together TG: you havent heard me bleat like a goat for ironically humorous purposes yet have you GC: NO!!!
==>
TG: im pretty sure i dont even have an exile TG: ive never heard any voices or anything TG: anyway you dont need a voice in your head to tell you this shit is TG: just like TG: so completely illegal GC: >:?
this atrocity cannot go unpunished.
GC: D4V3 1 D1D NOT R34L1Z3 YOU H4D SUCH 4 P4SS1ON FOR L4W 3NFORC3M3NT GC: 1 MUST S4Y TH1S SHOCK1NG D3V3LOPM3NT 1S COM1NG D4NG3ROUSLY CLOS3 TO G1V1NG M3 4 C4S3 OF TH3 V4PORS >:O TG: no i mean TG: ok that came out wrong TG: what were we talking about again GC: BR1NG1NG J4CK TO JUST1C3?
you call it the slammer when you are extra angry at crimes.
TG: are you taking notes on this important principle??
but only while i am away from my jurisdiction.
GC: 1M ST1LL NOT SUR3 GC: YOUR3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT THROW1NG J4CK 1N TH3 SL4MM3R 4ND R4MBL1NG 4BOUT JUST1C3 4ND T3LL1NG M3 TO G3T P3NS 4ND SUCH GC: NOT TH4T 1 4M COMPL41N1NG TG: ok forget the slammer stuff that was stupid TG: it is about justice though TG: and since no one else seems to give a shit about that it apparently falls in my jurisdiction now TG: not just going after jack TG: but all the mutinous agents responsible for crimes GC: 4G3NTS?
i have other duties to attend to.
GC: W3LL GC: NO1RS CRON13S 4R3 3XPLO1T4BL3 GC: 4R3 YOU S4Y1NG YOU H4V3 4 PL4N TH4T 1NVOLV3S T4RG3T1NG TH3M?
i must explode this ridiculously illegal edifice.
TG: ive got to explode this ridiculously illegal edifice oh my god what are these words im saying GC: YOU H4V3 TO 3XPLOD3 SOM3TH1NG?
==>
GC: OK D4V3, 1 W1LL SHOW SOM3 S3NS1T1V1TY 4ND C4ST SUSP1C1ON ON TH3 1NT3LL3CTU4L M3R1T OF 3V3RYTH1NG YOU H4V3 3V3R S41D TG: thank you GC: 1 W1LL FURTH3R D3MONSTR4T3 MY FR13NDSH1P BY DOM1N4T1NG TH3 R3ST OF TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH L3NGTHY 4CCOUNTS OF MY 3MOT1ON4L TR1BUL4T1ONS, L34V1NG NO SP4C3 FOR YOU TO SUBM1T 4NY 4MUS1NG OUTBURSTS TG: that sounds awesome GC: QU13T!!!
==>
TG: spidertroll GC: YOU 4R3 CORR3CT GC: TH3 SP1D3R13ST ON3 OF 4LL TG: youve decided to take her down then GC: 1 GU3SS SO TG: you dont sound that psyched about it GC: W3LL, 1M H3R3 T4LK1NG TO YOU 4BOUT 1T 1NST34D OF 4CTU4LLY DO1NG 1T, 4R3NT 1?
==>
GC: 4DD1T1ON4LLY, 1 H4V3 D1SCOV3R3D SH3 1S COMPL1C1T 1N J4CKS R1S3 TO POW3R GC: WH3N 1 F1RST L34RN3D H3 C4M3 FROM YOUR S3SS1ON, 1 M1ST4K3NLY BL4M3D YOU 4LL, 4ND TOOK 1T OUT ON 4 H4PL3SS 3GB3RT >:[ GC: BUT 1F 4NYON3 1S TO P4Y FOR R3L34S1NG TH4T D3MON ON BOTH OF OUR GROUPS, 1T 1S H3R TG: are you sure about that GC: Y3S GC: 4ND SH3 KNOWS 1 KNOW GC: SH3 H4S B33N T4UNT1NG M3, TRY1NG TO ST1R UP OUR OLD R1V4LRY GC: TH4T 1S WH4T TH1S WHOL3 JOHN VS D4V3 TH1NG H4S B33N 4BOUT TG: there is no john vs dave thing though GC: 1 KNOW GC: NOT R34LLY GC: 1TS JUST 4 G4M3 GC: BUT TH3 G4M3 1S S3R1OUS BUS1N3SS TO H3R GC: L1K3 1T W4S DUR1NG OUR ROL3 PL4Y1NG D4YS GC: 4ND JUST L1K3 TH3N, SH3S RU1N3D 3V3RYTH1NG BY T4K1NG 1T TOO F4R GC: 4ND 1N SP1T3 OF 4LL H3R P4ST CR1M3S, TH3S3 4R3 NOT 3V3N TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT R34SONS TO STOP H3R!
==>
TG: ok TG: id like to help you out but i dont know what advice i should be giving TG: to a member of a murderous species whos gunshy on going off to justicemurder a murderhappy murderer whose done lots of murders TG: it feels pretty weird and inappropriate for me to be the one to tell you fuck yes go for it shes got this huge murder with her name on it anyways and its cruising right at her down comeuppance boulevard TG: so i dont know TG: do you want me to tell you to be a better human TG: or to be a better troll GC: 1 C4NT T3LL YOU WH4T TO 4DV1S3 M3, CHUMP4SS!
Keep playing anyway.
You have no idea what the hell this thing is, or why you would need another disc.
Terezi: Wake up.
You cannot wake up, because you were not actually asleep!
Terezi: Examine surroundings.
This dapper kiwi-suited gentleman is quite familiar.
Terezi: Climb stairs.
You cannot ascend!!!
Terezi: Exit door.
The door is locked!
==>
You have been completely hornswoggled.
[S] Terezi: Play records.
You select appropriate crime solving music to set the right mood.
Terezi: Remove Midnight Crew record.
No no, this vaudevillian cornball nonsense will not do at all.
==>
Before you can make heads or tails of who exactly this douche bag is, something rolls out of the sleeve.
==>
You cannot get over how tiny this record is.
[S] Terezi: Play tiny record.
==>
Predictably, you scratch the surface of the disc.
Terezi: Captchalogue disc.
It should be perfectly safe from any similar kinds of damage while secured in your SCRATCH AND SNIFF modus.
Terezi: Examine chests.
You have spent way too much time calibrating the ambiance of your investigation, and not nearly enough time investigating.
Terezi: Open chest.
You got your NEOPHYTE REDGLARE ROLEPLAYING OUTFIT!
Terezi: Wear suit.
You don the garb of the legendary legislacerator.
Terezi: Open other chest.
You got your PYRALSPITE PLUSH!
Terezi: Hug Pyralspite.
You embrace your old friend releasing a mighty and majestic squeak.
==>
This puppet is becoming a nuisance.
Terezi: Look up.
There he is.
Terezi: Read it.
Just as you thought.
Terezi: Examine journal entry.
I suppose I'll have to get used to writing with this hand instead.
==>
Much fanfare was made of the trial.
==>
The High8loods surely intended to make a spectacle of my conviction.
==>
It was kind of the authorities to supply me with phalanx of such impressiona8le spect8ors.
==>
It was simple enough to nudge the hostility of the low8loods from one aristocrat to another.
==>
I only regret I didn't get to hear the opening st8ment the neophyte had prepared against me.
==>
Alas, I mock to disguise the extent of my regret.
==>
Upon reflection, Redglare showed the foresight of a true seer in thieving my arm 8efore the trial.
==>
It permitted a fair fight.
==>
Though I was free, I had no fleet.
==>
He owed me for the sweeps of protection I provided after his 8razen defiance of the High8loods.
==>
Repairing my arm would go a little further in squaring his de8t with me.
==>
I cradled the oracle in my synthetic hand, as if appraising 8y w8 the mystic qualities it still concealed.
==>
If my o8session with the dragon should continue to 8urn for so long, would he 8e the one to assist me in taming it?
==>
I have never spoken nor written of him out of contempt for the prophecy, 8ut do so here, in my final entry for this journal.
=> =
The dÎsc is tø€ badly da™aged.
QÛít„
You arñ forzød to quit£² You will not be ab£‡ to resume plaÿing unless you can re¼áir the scrõtch in the dis.
[o] Please come in.
Welcome to my apartment.
[o] Let's have a look at this disc.
She really did a number on it, didn't she?
[o] But yes, I can fix it.
It will take time, though.
[o] Tick.
And since for once in my life, time is at a premium, let's get on with it.
[o] Tock.
Never mind, I figured it out instantly because of my unfathomable intellect, limitless knowledge, and mind boggling charisma.
[o] Tick.
The Seer of Mind had challenged the Thief of Light to a simple game of chance.
[o] Tock.
The result of the flip was left inconclusive, at which point you decided to pay me a visit.
[o] Both the Seer and the Thief knew this.
The Thief used her abilities to steal the fortune of her opponent, and forced the flip to yield what she regarded as the most favorable outcome.
[o] Tick.
The Seer relayed her terms through the generally understood argot of an assassin.
[o] Tock.
While the Thief turned to fly away, making a show of claiming her prize, the Seer would stab her in the back the moment her guard was dropped.
[o] Tick.
Naturally, the Thief knew this was her intent all along.
[o] Tock.
Each was gambling, not with any vehicle of probability, which had been eliminated from the equation, but with each other's intentions.
[o] It turned out,
She was right.
[o] So ends a tale of rivalry.
Well, almost.
[o] Here we left our human Hero of Light.
She flew away to take vengeance on the Noir this side of The Scratch.
[o] Compelling, but not particularly challenging.
The Seer wouldn't win this duel.
[o] I warned her.
I warned my neophyte protege not to stare into that ball.
[o] Tock.
I told her about stares
[o] Moving on.
I'll remind you that the pacing of my account will be characterized by a reduction in granularity from what you have come to expect by way of an undamaged disc.
[o] This outcome was hardly a point of suspense.
It would be disingenuous of me to present it as such, and I will not belittle your intelligence with such a tawdry narrative ploy.
[o] How could this moment later come to pass?
And for that matter, what sort of story would this be, with our human Hero of Breath made to stay a cadaver?
[o] And what sort of spectator would you be...
If you'd forgotten the terms ruling the conditional immortality he won with his previous, similarly unceremonious impaling?
[o] He'd done nothing to earn martyrdom,
By which we might laud his fall as heroic.
[o] Nor had he tasted notoriety,
To secure a death one may parse just.
[o] And while I can't give you my assurance,
I'm reasonably convinced of this much.
[o] But not for lack of a devoted mentor.
If I had served as his mentor directly, rather than as his mentor's mentor's mentor, he may have stood a fair chance of perpetrating something underhanded.
[o] Instead, he got her.
The other Hero of Light.
[o] Let's find out.
I mentioned there was a bit more to her story.
[o] Tock.
Apologies for my preoccupation.
[o] Remember?
We met here in my apartment a little while ago.
[o] Of course.
The two Heroes of Light had challenged the same Jack Noir, the one straddling The Scratch and about twenty hours of his own time, to a circumstantially simultaneous pair of duels.
[o] But the story will.
The Slayer was, for the moment, unmotivated by the Thief's motion for a compelling duel.
[o] And now knowing her position,
He would soon return for the duel she wanted.
[o] But not without a pair of trophies.
[o] Tock.
Again, sorry for the interruption.
[o] Tick.
I have always believed that a good storyteller should keep a comprehensive record of past events on hand.
[o] Tock.
It's also logical, since there is essentially nothing new in paradox space.
[o] Tick.
And if I'm going speculate on this duel, I might as well make use of earlier clippings.
[o] Tock.
All I really need to do is flip it turn-ways, like so, and we have...
[o] The Thief would probably roll her dice.
And just as probably, due to her impressive hoard of stolen fortune, she would have a 100% chance of rolling the most favorable result.
[o] In round two, the Slayer would be not merely compelled,
But challenged, if my guess is right.
[o] Tick.
But not outmatched.
[o] While I continue to not be a gambling man,
(That didn't stop being a thing that was true or anything.)
[o] Tock.
I'm reasonably sure that if I was,
[o] I wouldn't bet against her.
[o] Moving on.
Let's pull back from this ever narrowing dark pocket.
[o] Tick.
A Seer would support her allies in battle not with her weapons, but her vision.
[o] Tock.
A true Seer would know where luck is a given, where it is absent, and most importantly, where it doesn't matter at all.
[o] Tick.
And she would know victory doesn't matter in a reality where all else is doomed to fail.
[o] Tock.
What sort of story would this be, with our Knight and Seer made to stay cadavers?
[o] Tick.
And not one she'd allow either.
[o] Tick.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] AG: John!!!!!!!!
[S][o] Tick.
AG: Nothing too glorious a8out the way you just died, I 8et.
[o] Stop.
AG: I don't know for sure, 8ut I'm 8etting that if I go to fight Jack, it will wipe out all the 8ad things I've done.
[o] Slick...
AG: Still not alive yet?
[o] Oh my.
AG: Gotta kiss her.
[o] Oh my, oh my, oh my.
AG: Let's just forget I said that.
[o] Pardon me while I adjust the narrow fenestrated wall,
AG: To 8e honest, I am nervous a8out this fight.
[o] To redirect the view from this impropriety.
AG: Don't worry, it could 8e a human d8, whatever that entails.
[o] There.
AG: Well, think it over.
[o] I am a wonderful chaperone as well as an excellent host.
AG: Oh god.
[o] Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, for crying out loud.
[o] Slick, I can tolerate many things from a guest.
Curt manners.
[o] Even atrocious candy bowl etiquette.
But it is the desecration of a priceless timepiece where I must draw the line.
[o] BREAK.
TT: vriska, wait!
[o] HEADS.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] CG: HEY.
[o] And so on.
EB: alright.
[o] You let me down, Slick.
CG: LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
[o] I thought I could rely on you of all people.
CG: SHE'S FINE.
[o] To do what it is you do best.
CG: JADE FROM FURTHER AHEAD ON YOUR TIMELINE.
[o] You are not supposed to kiss her, Mr.
CG: YEAH.
[o] Now leave, and never darken my door again.
EB: but now they don't have dream selves left!
[o] Will you look at this mess.
CG: ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.
[o] This scrapbook is now in hopeless disarray.
[o] Feel free to examine the clippings while I tidy.
[o] ==>
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- TG: heres one for you TG: its a whopper TG: are you ready TT: For what?
[o] ==>
TG: this huge fuckin whopper im about to just say TT: You mean a canard of behemothic embellishment?
[o] ==>
TT: I thought you didn't want me to analyze your dreams anymore.
[o] ==>
TT: What do you think?
[o]
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] AG: Hi, John human.
[o] ==>
GT: excuse me, alien time troll, but i am TRYING to wrap a present.
[o] ==>
JADESPRITE: dave?
[o]
AC: :33 < jaspers i guess i should say furwell to you now :(( JASPERSPRITE: Why nepeta?
[o] Try to make sense of this mess yourself.
[o]
TG: i remember waking up here TG: after getting shot TT: Yes.
[o] ==>
TG: oh yeah TG: i remember that now TG: then i guess thats what happened TG: i delivered the bomb and now i must be dead TT: Are you sure?
[o] ==>
TG: but the chain was huge TG: couldnt think of how to break it TG: then out of nowhere this sword appears in the thing TG: so im thinking obviously i have to break the sword somehow TG: because thats all i fucking do is break swords
[o] ==>
TG: but as im thinking of how to do it i put my hand on it TG: and it just snaps off with this comical shattering noise TG: like i just fucked up some priceless shit in the louvre
[o] ==>
TG: see like that TG: like i did again just there with my hand TG: cause of dreambubbles TG: remember when that happened TT: Mm hm.
[o] ==>
TG: then i took it and sliced the chain TG: like this TG: damn TG: it still cuts like its plowing through a shaft of boneless zombie meat TT: Careful.
[o] ==>
TG: so then TG: the moon started drifting away TG: and i was going to fly up TG: and take it to the sun TG: and i said something to you TG: or i was going to TG: like say bye or something TG: but you were just standing there not saying anything TG: holding that ball of yarn
[o] ==>
TG: and then TG: oh TG: god thats right
[o] ==>
TG: come on TG: knocking me out so you can steal the suicide mission TG: god dammit TG: that is so trite TT: I really am sorry for that.
[o] ==>
GT: this is my green slime ghost pogo ride, in all its glory.
[o] ==>
GT: these are my neighbors, who live in a lot of same looking houses as mine.
[o] ==>
GT: there is not really much to see in this town...
[o] ==>
GT: what's happening?
[o] ==>
GT: how is this happening?
[o] ==>
GT: it's a castle!!!
[o] ==>
AG: This was my custodian.
[o] ==>
AG: She was hurt in an accident.
[o] ==>
GT: holy shit, look at these glittering space riches!
[o] ==>
AG: This was my respite8lock.
[o] ==>
GT: what's happening?
[o] ==>
GT: this is my dad's room.
[o] ==>
GT: i've missed the heck out of him.
[o]
JADESPRITE: are you ok?
[o] ==>
JADESPRITE: what is that?
[o] Oh, wonderful.
It seems she's acting out again.
[o]
TT: I am piloting the moon through the Furthest Ring right now.
[o] ==>
TG: ok then do it TT: But you have to promise to stay put.
[o] ==>
TG: whos this douche dag TG: i mean bag TG: im stuttering this dude is making me nervous TT: You don't remember him?
[o]
DAVESPRITE: i busted into his palace DAVESPRITE: to finish the quest DAVESPRITE: i was expecting him to be asleep and was gonna figure out some way to wake him up DAVESPRITE: but like last time i saw him DAVESPRITE: he was already awake to greet me JADESPRITE: but i thought the denizens were supposed to be asleep?
[o] ==>
DAVESPRITE: it was different DAVESPRITE: i think it must be always different DAVESPRITE: depending on the circumstances DAVESPRITE: i dont know what the choice is when you face him the way youre supposed to DAVESPRITE: but im showing up as this bleeding bird sprite holding his broken sword DAVESPRITE: so thats pretty odd situation JADESPRITE: then what did he make you decide?
[o] ==>
JADESPRITE: whats happening?
[o] ==>
EB: well, like i said, i flew up to the last gate. like this.
[o] ==>
EB: it brought me inside the palace.
[S][o] ==>
AG: What's this?
[o] ==>
AG: This denizen does not look asleep to me.
[o] ==>
fedorafreak: turning on hand-held device for brief report.
[o] ==>
pipefan413: The witch in truth was a world famous baking baroness.
[o]
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW.
[o] ==>
GG: i wonder if we will ever be able to start a conversation without having a ridiculous argument about the password system?
[o]
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 03:14 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
[o] ==>
PCG: HE REALLY SEEMS TO HATE FROGS. ?
[o] ==>
FGA: I Recommended She Return To Her Denizen For Advice PCG: ABOUT WHAT FGA: The Location Of The Final Frog Required To Complete The Gene Sequence FGA: One Whose Song Should Remove The Last Traces Of Dissonance From The Waveform FGA: The Creature Is Quite Elusive Remember PCG: OH YEAH PCG: YOU WERE SEARCHING FOR WEEKS FGA: Yes PCG: AND YOU NEVER FOUND IT FGA: I Had A Good Lead FGA: But You Decided There Was Not Enough Time Left To Bother With It PCG: THE RECKONING HAD STARTED.
[o] ==>
PCG: HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE PCG: I DON'T MIND HELPING BUT I HAVE MAJOR LEADERSHIP DUTIES TO ATTEND TO HERE.
[o] ==>
PCG: OK GREAT, SO IT'S THERE ON THE MONITOR, PROBLEM SOLVED PCG: YOU JUST APPEARIFY ITS GHOST IMPRINT, MIX IT WITH YOUR CURRENT EVOLUTION'S PARADOX SLIME, SMOOTH OUT THE GENETIC WAVEFORM, TADPOLIFY BILIOUS SLICK, AND YOU'RE DONE. ?
[o]
TC: If mOtHeRfUcKiN MaGiC'S AlL We'vE EvEr kNoWn aT TC: ThEn iT'S EaSy tO Be mIsSiN WhAt bE FuCkIn tHe hApS TC: BuT I'M AlL ScOpIn aT MiRaClEs tHaT ArE Up iN ThE AiR TC: GoT My sEe oN Of mIrAcLeS, tHeY'Re hErE AnD ThEy'rE ThErE TC: I Be cHeCkIn tHe mIrAcLeS WhIlE FaLlInG DoWn sTaIrS TC: SeEn tHe sHiT OuT A MiRaClEs tHaT ArE AlL BeInG Up aT BaSiCaLlY PrEtTy mUcH EvErYwHeRe, FuCk...
[o] ==>
AT: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
[o]
AA: hey what are you doing out here!
[o] ==>
AA: i am waiting for friends to arrive AA: they will need my help TA: what friends?
[o] ==>
TA: SHIT, it's s0 bright, how can y0u stand it here?
[o]
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 01:34 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
[o] ==>
PCG: I GUESS I DON'T HAVE MUCH ENERGY LEFT TO ARGUE ABOUT PASSWORDS.
[o] ==>
PCG: IT WAS BEFORE WE GOT TRAPPED ON THIS METEOR PCG: BEFORE JACK SHOWED UP PCG: BEFORE WE BEAT THE KING PCG: AND I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, JADE.
[o] ==>
PCG: SEE, I WAS THINKING PCG: ABOUT JACK, AND HOW HE CAN'T STAND FROGS.
[o] ==>
PCG: ECTOBIOLOGY IS A TOUCHY THING.
[o] ==>
PCG: ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE BUILDING THE GENETIC CODE FOR AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
[o] ==>
PCG: OUR GENESIS FROG NEEDED THE GENES FROM THAT FINAL FROG.
[o] ==>
PCG: BUT BECAUSE I WAS IN TOO MUCH OF A HURRY TO DO THE JOB RIGHT
[o] ==>
PCG: HE'S MISSING A CRITICAL SEQUENCE IN HIS DNA.
[o] ==>
PCG: SO WHEN WE MADE HIM, AND WATCHED HIM GROW IN THE MIDDLE OF SKAIA
[o] ==>
PCG: AND AFTER ALL THE FIREWORKS AND FANFARE FROM THE VAST CROAK HAD SUBSIDED
[o] ==>
PCG: I KIND OF FELT LIKE HE DIDN'T LOOK SO GOOD.
[o] ==>
PCG: LIKE HE WAS SICK.
[o] ==>
PCG: I THINK I GAVE HIM CANCER.
[o] ==>
PCG: I GAVE YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE CANCER, JADE.
[o]
PCG: ITS DEFECTIVE GENES PROBABLY MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOUR SESSION TO BE SUCCESSFUL PCG: SORT OF LIKE PCG: ITS REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM WAS DAMAGED.
[o] ==>
PCG: BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S LIKE A NORMAL DISEASE.
[o] ==>
PCG: AND UNLIKE A NORMAL DISEASE, IT WOULDN'T GRADUALLY KILL ITS HOST FROM WITHIN PCG: THE CANCER LEFT THE BODY PCG: CHASED OUT, AS IF BY AN IMMUNE SYSTEM.
[o] ==>
PCG: SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE IT COULD BE PCG: WHAT'S WAITING FOR US AT THE END OF THE COUNTDOWN.
[o] ==>
PCG: NOIR IS THE CANCER.
[o] ==>
PCG: ANYWAY PCG: THAT'S THE END OF HOW EVERYTHING'S MY FAULT COMPLETELY, AND I'M GARBAGE.
[o]
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] TC: it's all your fault.
[o] ==>
TC: i focused on them through the rage you made me have TC: AND I WENT AND MADE YOUR UNIVERSE...
[o] ==>
TG: none of that really meant anything but ok TG: also you have me confused for somebody else we never talked TG: i guarantee i would have remembered you TC: ALL THAT MOTHER FUCKIN MATTERS IS I REMEMBER YOU AND WHAT YOU DID.
[o] ==>
I have repeatedly made it clear that the fifth wall is to remain off.
[o] ==>
I refuse to acknowledge this foolish man's self indulgent rubbish.
[o] ==>
Or will I have to suspend your furniture privileges again?
[o] ==>
He is a far less gracious host than I.
[o] ==>
Oh, is this what we're doing now?
[o] ==>
Maybe I have not been strict enough with your breathing privileges either?
[o] ==>
This vessel will reach your planet eventually.
[o] ==>
And there go the electricity privileges.
[o] ==>
I think now would be a good time for another round of reeducation regarding her purpose.
[o] ==>
And since you are still my guest, it would please me to tell you this inspiring tale as well.
[o] ==>
It is a tale to remind her of the sacrifice she must make.
[o] ==>
Once, in this very universe, you could say, Alternia was home to a peaceful race.
[o] ==>
Few ever knew the Sufferer's given name, presuming quite reasonably he had none, and he came to be called Signless.
[o] ==>
During his penance, it was said the Sufferer's compassion for his people underwent a divine transformation, into limitless, burning rage.
[o] ==>
His teachings would also persist through surviving disciples, but in hushed tones.
[o] ==>
The Sufferer required a less conventional upbringing to reach maturity.
[o] ==>
Surrounding him on his rise to infamy and throughout the rebellion were the most trusted elites among his devoted.
[o] ==>
The Disciple was to be killed along with him.
[o] ==>
He was forced to serve as the Helmsman for Her Condescension's imperial battleship.
[o] ==>
Together they explored the stars for thousands of years.
[o] ==>
After making first contact, occasions which she generally kept cordial, she would move on to new territory while a division of her fleet set a course for the unfortunate civilization, and proceeded to tear it apart.
[o] ==>
If angered, she could simply express her grievance through communion with her ancient lusus of the deep, and turn its psychic devastation on her multitudes.
[o] ==>
If the lapse in her custodial bond was significant enough, it was not just political power she risked.
[o] ==>
She was forced to continue the journey home on auxiliary power.
[o] ==>
Are you paying attention, protege?
[o] ==>
Anyway, the last of the twelve ancestors arrived a bit late.
[o] ==>
I would raise the girl to be groomed for her calling.
[o] ==>
His curse is one of conditional mortality, with the desired outcome contingent on her service.
[o] ==>
The Handmaid will enlist the Condesce, extending the same bargain once offered to her.
[o] ==>
The two last trolls alive, blood of rust and royalty, will make each other pay for the crimes against their race.
[o] ==>
And so, my dear, that is the inspiring tale of your people, and why you should feel rather privileged to be in the position for which I have groomed you meticulously.
[o] ==>
STORY TIME'S OVER WIND BAG WHOOPS OH SHIT GET THIS FUCKIN' CLOCK OUTTA MY WAY.
[o] ==>
If I have to put up with one more smug meandering interlude in my own story I am going to crack your head open and serve you a heaping bowl full of your downy soft puppet ass.
[o] ==>
Oh well, might as well try to get that disc back.
[o] ==>
--------------- *ollies outy*
[S] Attempt rare and highly dangerous 5x SHOWDOWN COMBO.
==>
And the Knight of Blood so embraced the Bard of Rage, and in each other's arms they were aquiver.
AH: Close tome.
And it was good.
==
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] CG: THE PASSWORD IS CG: SEE YOU SOON CG: OK UH CG: I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR LACK OF RESPONSE AS TACIT VERIFICATION.
= =>
GG: its hard to make out GG: but GG: i think GG: it might be...
= >
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS SHAVING CREAM.
[S] Begin intermission 2.
==>
END OF INTERMISSION 2.
Homestuck
A young lady stands in her bedroom.
Enter name.
You cannot enter her name!!!
Examine room.
Your name is JANE.
Jane: Quickly retrieve arms from chest.
Jane is not empowered to rehash this tired running gag because all of a sudden she is too busy being the other guy.
Enter name.
Once again, you make the incalculable blunder of attempting to engrave an already allocated placronym.
Examine room.
Your name is JAKE.
Jake: Retrieve arms from floor, post-haste!
You make a dutiful motion toward your TRUSTY FIREARMS, doing your part to assail the mushy carcass of a horse that passed away long ago, when suddenly a WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN APPROACHES!!!!!!!!!!
Be Jane.
You are suddenly Jane again.
Jane: Examine fetch modus.
It's your RECIPE MODUS, an extremely handy little inventory widget your DAD got for you for your birthday a couple years ago.
Jane: Captchalogue it!
You stick the RECIPE MODUS in your... uh...
Jane: Get hat.
You captchalogue your FAVORITE HAT, which is also your ONLY HAT.
Jane: Inspect posters.
It's one of your funnymen pinups, a glorious FOXWORTHY.
Jane: Check out other posters.
Another Sleuth poster of course, with two of your favorite dames ever.
Jane: Take spoon.
You tuck your trusty JUNIOR BATTERMASTER'S BOWLBUSTER STIRRING SOLUTION 50000 into your strife deck, allocated with the ever martially-pragmatic SPOONKIND.
Jane: Examine bunnies.
These customized bunnies were gifts to you on your 13th birthday, from two of your friends.
Jane: Look out window.
You've been fidgeting around your room all day, making little observations about your various belongings, checking the clock.
==>
It's still not there.
==>
He just captchalogued the CAR.
==>
Looks like somebody is bothering you.
Jane: Go to computer.
You know you really should switch to PESTERCHUM.
==>
Ugh, look at this dreadful clutter.
Jane: Answer Jake.
golgothasTerror [GT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:05 GT: Jane!
Jane: Check clock.
Hold the phone. 11:10... you almost forgot!
Jane: Wait a minute.
You ride out another 60 seconds and... huh?
Jane: Examine bowlbuster.
Sure enough, the JUNIOR BATTERMASTER'S BOWLBUSTER STIRRING SOLUTION 50000 has been affected too, along with your specibus.
Jane: Try flipping switch.
You try the broken switch again.
Jane: Back to the window!
Nope, still nothing.
Jane: Open chest.
You decide to pass the time by rummaging through your BAKING CHEST and... hang on.
Jane: Answer.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:17 UU: good morning, lovely.
Jane: Ok, back to the chest.
You return to your BAKING CHEST which you use mainly for storing QUALITY PRANKING APPARATUS and a few other odds and ends.
Jane: Rummage around.
Just your basics when it comes to pranking.
Jane: Dump chest.
Might as well get all this crap out of here and take it with you.
Jane: Captchalogue all.
Your sylladex is so great.
Jane: Inspect books.
You have a COOKBOOK, which of course was made obsolete by your computerized talking bowlbuster.
Jane: Check out gristwidget.
This thing's a piece of junk!
Jane: Insert hat card.
Ok, you'll try it out with one of your less prized possessions just to prove how dumb it is.
Jane: Wear tiaratop.
You put on your highly fashionable UNREAL HEIRESS THOUGHTWAVE TIARATOP and flip it on.
Jane: Continue vigilant window gazing.
Still no sign of the mail.
==>
Speak of the devilfucking dickens.
Jane: Answer Lalonde.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:24 TG: jane TG: hey TG: jaaaney TG: ansrew plz TG: *answer TG: jaaaaaaaaaane GG: Omg.
==>
GG: THE FLAPPY SWINGY DOODAD.
Jane: Prepare to retrieve mail.
You scamper over to the door, but pause a second to think.
Jane: Don clever disguise.
Why, is that his loving daughter, or could it be none other than INSPECTOR JACQUES CLOUSEAU???
==>
THE WORLD RENOWNED INVESTIGATOR HERCULE POIROT, BECAUSE THE LITTLE CURLY MUSTACHE IS A LOT CUTER.
==>
Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.
Jane: Exit.
You make a cautious motion toward a beckoning EXIT KNOB, when suddenly THE SAME WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN REAPPROACHES NONTHREATENINGLY!
Be Jake.
And just like that, back to Jake.
Jake: About those arms.
Right.
Jake: Examine holster belt.
It's your authentic TOMB RAIDER SEXY THIGHSTRAP DOUBLE HOLSTER, complete with cool skullbuckle and everything.
Jake: Wear it.
You like to think that, but in truth you look ridiculous.
Jake: Ok, forget it.
Better off just keeping it in your strife deck.
Jake: Examine bed.
You think your bed is some sort of electronic gadget.
Jake: Examine posters.
Which posters?
Jake: Scope out those blue chicks.
This is your collection of beauties.
Jake: Make out with all of them.
Dear, sweet Neytiri from James Cameron's Avatar.
Jake: Stop kissing stupid poster.
Yes, that was a waste of time.
Jake: Examine package.
Speaking of John, this is his birthday present.
Jake: Examine bunny.
Sure is gonna be a sweet gift.
==>
There's just one problem!
Jake: Take bunny.
You stash Terry in your PUZZLE MODUS.
==>
The space in your inventory is mainly hogged up by one incredibly huge thing.
Jake: Examine comics.
On your worktable there are a few comic books starring your favorite heroine of all, SPIDER-GIRL.
Jake: Take comics.
Horsefeathers.
==>
Well, as long as one of your preposterously numerous computers has spilled out of your sylladex, you might as well stop procrastinating and contact Strider to... hang on.
Jake: Answer.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering golgothasTerror [GT] at 5:45 UU: hello there, darling. ~3u GT: Ahoy madame!
Jake: Unearth more computers.
If you're going to message your good bro, you might as well use a more comfortable computing device.
Jake: Don computers.
You put on a few of your more ostentatious devices.
Jake: Message your good bro.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 5:57 GT: Bro.
==>
TT: Look at that statement you just made.
Jake: Ditch computers.
He's just so infuriating sometimes!
Jake: Wear skulltop.
Much better.
Jake: Pester Jane.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 6:05 GT: Jane!
Jake: Go downstairs.
You are curious about Jane's dream.
==>
Yeah, just like you thought.
Jake: Answer Strider.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 6:17 TT: Hey, it's me.
==>
TT: I didn't send it.
==>
Ok if he wants happy hunting you will GIVE him happy hunting.
Jake: Exit.
You make a careful motion with a tentative shoe toward the EGRESS CASE, when suddenly THAT DARNED WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN ACCOSTS YOU BENIGNLY WITHOUT NOTICE!!!
Ok, I'm done here.
You are suddenly Jane again.
Jane: Examine portrait.
Just one of your dad's bland HALLWAY DOUCHEBAGS.
Jane: Take a peek into living room.
There's a familiar face.
Jane: Proceed downstairs.
Another hard boiled Anderson.
Jane: Go to front door.
You were afraid this might be the case.
Jane: Check window.
He padlocked the windows too.
Jane: Consult with poppop.
You figure a little wisdom from your elder couldn't hurt.
==>
You always did find it a little macabre though, trying to watch tv and eat dinner on the couch with a dead old man standing about five feet away.
==>
YES, I am going out with this book!
Jane: On second thought, take his book.
You just remembered something your alien friend said about the big old book downstairs, and trusting words written by your own hand.
Jane: Retrieve arm.
Better pick that up.
Jane: Read inscription again.
Is your friend suggesting that you were the one who wrote this inscription?
Jane: Bother Jake.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:40 GG: J, how goes the bunnyquest?
==>
GG: I woke up on the planet which we have been told about by our mutual acquaintance.
==>
GG: I explored the moon, and began to notice people gathering in the streets.
==>
GG: More and more Prospitians were filing out of the buildings every moment.
==>
GG: I heard whispers, but couldn't make out what they were saying, so I got closer.
==>
GG: "The Page is dead."
==>
GG: But before I could get too horribly upset, let alone make sense of any of it, I woke up.
Jake: Get silly old adventure off to the races.
Jake: Examine pumpkin patch.
Although these pumpkin vines are amazingly prolific, every morning when you leave your bedroom, you'd swear half the pumpkins vanished over night.
==>
You brought all the surplus pumpkins home and left them lying about.
Jake: Be completely oblivious to thing in background.
You successfully fail to notice it.
Jake: Answer Lalonde.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 6:53 TG: holy shit jaaaje TG: lol *k GT: Heh heh.
==>
TG: im not letting either of you run this file on your shitty brainwashy propaganda helmets or anything else u got to wear to run TG: tis my one condition GT: Fair enough.
Jake: Commence robroquest.
It is time to get DEAD SERIOUS about hunting down a robot that looks exactly like your best friend, destroy it with your guns somehow, and steal its uranimum. (* uranium) But then the thing behind you that you were oblivious to starts grumbling.
[S??????]
You glance at the crudely rendered battle, direct your browser to the HOMESTUCK BANDCAMP PAGE, and browse for suitable battle music.
Jake: Fly through the air shooting two guns at once.
You do the thing where you fly through the air shooting two guns at once.
==>
Another triumph for adventure.
Jane: Implement plan of last resort.
You have waited around long enough.
Jane: Activate.
Here goes nothing.
==>
God he is such a little troublemaker.
Jake: Behold zoological splendor.
Looks like the centaur herd is out in full force today.
Jake: Examine frog temple.
There are the ruins you'll be making your way toward once you've got the uranium.
==>
Not the encounter you were hoping for today.
Jane: Assess damage.
Poor poppop's severed head got nicked by the FIREPLACE POKER.
Jane: Put head back.
You stick the poker down his neck hole and jam the head back on the spike as a temporary measure.
Jane: Answer Strider.
timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 12:01 TT: Why have you activated dear, sweet Huggy Bear.
==>
GG: Sometimes your sense of humor seems more impenetrably advanced than your robotics.
==>
GG: Well, aside from thousands of dollars in corpse-repair richer, I can't say.
==>
GG: Tempting, but that rain check will have to stay unendorsed for now.
Jane: Command Sebastian to lift fridge.
You order dear, sweet Lil' Sebastian to put his fidgetiness to constructive use.
==>
He finds a note taped underneath the fridge.
Jane: Read note.
Fat chance, dad.
==>
Uh oh, Lil Seb's acting out again.
Jane: Tell Seb to put fridge down.
Jane: Throw down your hat in disgust.
Jane: Level up.
You've been climbing your echeladder very gradually for various minor accomplishments here and there since you were 13.
Hat: Level up.
The well traveled HAT shares in your glorious spoils.
Jake: Run.
How can these things be so fast on land???
==>
Oh no, it's a hostile swarm of those little fairy bulls!
==>
OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY.
==>
Nearby, someone or something bleats like a goat for strategic purposes.
Jane: Run.
The jig is so totally up.
==>
I hope I don't run out of green curtain cloth.
So, uh... what about all those other kids?
Huh?
No, not quite.
Oh god, you're right!
Hussiebot: Check time.
Let's see.
Hussiebot: Hurry!!!
Who am I kidding.
John: Level up.
You produce your most spirited LAD SCRAMBLE yet, and hop up to the next GOD TIER, achieving the illustrious REVENGE OF DOCTOR RAGNAROK.
Jade: Level up.
You put forth your best LASS SCAMPER of all time, and clear another sweet GOD TIER, the nigh-unattainable SAYONARA KANSAS.
John and Jade: Reap spoils.
You don't get boondollars anymore.
ACT 6 INTERMISSION 1
JOHN: where are we?
[A6I1] ==>
JADE: im not sure!
[A6I1] ==>
JOHN: i'm still kinda confused though.
[A6I1] ==>
JADE: its through the other wall!
[A6I1] ==>
JADE: :| JADE: i have no idea JADE: extra dimensional shenanigan based phenomena perhaps?????
[A6I1] ==>
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain cloth.
[A6I1] ==>
JOHN: wait, what just happened?
[A6I1] ==>
JADE: im just trying to estimate our arrival time JADE: based on our current velocity, which is about as close to light speed as i can make it go JOHN: i see.
[A6I1] ==>
JOHN: oh man, rose and dave have sweet god tier pajamas like us!
[A6I1] ==>
JADE: yes JADE: in fact JADE: you can hop right through me and join them JADE: then you can travel with them to the new session if you like JOHN: whoa!
[A6I1] ==>
JADE: i have the population of five planets to keep me company!
[A6I1] ==>
JOHN: hey, can i at least send a message through?
[A6I1] ==>
JADE: how about this one?
[A6I1] ==>
JOHN: i could stick it in a book i guess.
[A6I1] ==>
JADE: here, will this work?
[A6I1] ==>
JOHN: oh fuck, it's dave sprite!!!
[A6I1] ==>
JOHN: ok, i think this is a pretty good letter.
[A6I1] ==>
JOHN: wait a minute!
[A6I1] Rose + Dave: Reap spoils.
You both also get one of these.
[A6I1] ==>
ARADIA: you see??
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: IS IT GOING TO SHIT ON EVERYBODY'S GREAT TIME IF I DARE TO BRING UP IMPORTANT THINGS NOW?
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: I WAS JOKING, GET THOSE FUCKING THINGS AWAY FROM ME
[A6I1] ==>
TEREZI: 1 4M SO SORRY YOU GUYS TEREZI: W3 4R3 4CTU4LLY 4 LOT COOL3R TH4N TH1S!
[A6I1] ==>
ARADIA: karkat i dont know if anyone cares about formal ranks like that anymore ARADIA: or if anyone ever did!
[A6I1] ==>
ROSE: Nothing yet.
[A6I1] ==>
ARADIA: karkat go back to holding your breath!
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: SOLLUX, WHERE DID YOUR BODY GO???
[A6I1] ==>
KANAYA: Clown Hunting
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: OH NO...
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: FUCKING
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
[A6I1] ==>
hey everybody!
[S][A6I1] Karkat: Mental breakdown.
[A6I1] ==>
DAVE: whos this guy ROSE: The visitor I mentioned earlier.
[A6I1] ==>
DAVE: is he dead ROSE: We should be able to get him some help along the way.
[A6I1] ==>
KARKAT: SOUNDS LIKE IT'S TIME TO HIT THE FUCKING ROAD THEN KARKAT: HOW DO WE MAKE THIS THING GO ANYWAY.
[S] END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 1
==>
You are Jane Crocker again.
==>
The moon is presently eclipsing Skaia.
==>
The miracle of a new beginning.
==>
Another coffin clogger bites the dust.
Jane: Be Jack Noir.
Jane is too dead at the moment to be Jack Noir.
Jack: Get watch.
Get this shit outta the way.
Jack: Check time.
The moment rapidly approaches.
Jack: Contact Droll.
You touch base with your administration's top powdermonkey, none other than Dersite bumbler extraordinaire, the Courtyard Droll.
==>
He says the intelligence report he had said the kid wouldn't take well to peanuts.
==>
He says he ate most of them because they were delicious, and as far as he knows, aren't poisonous to most everybody else.
==>
It's not easy feeding a sleeping boy some peanuts, he says.
==>
But mission accomplished nonetheless, he tells you.
Jack: Wrap this up.
You say forget it, what's done is done.
Jack: Inspect torso.
This can't be good.
Jack: Hit road, blow joint.
Jane: Wake up.
What the heck just happened?
==>
Dad seems just as dumbfounded as you are, and more than a little distraught.
==>
You suppose you should let dad know you're ok.
==>
Just look at that aloof little bastard.
Jane: Call GCat down from the tree.
Even if you were inclined to do that, he wouldn't respond to that name.
==>
He tells you to get inside this instant.
Jane: Return to room.
You get inside this instant, and march back up to your bedroom.
Jane: Contact bffsy.
As long as you just got done paying the piper, you might as well get busy eating all this goddamn crow.
==>
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 1:11 GG: Heyyy.
==>
TG: kay then TG: what do you want me 2 say TG: for you to autobelieve in GG: Hmm.
Jane: Look around.
GG: I don't know.
Jane: Empty sylladex.
GG: Well, what immediately catches my attention is this enormous book.
RL: Appearify.
GG: It worked!
==>
You wonder what her deal was.
Jane: Read Pony Pals.
You've read this a million times already.
Jane: Turn page.
Later, about halfway through the book, rather than see the gag through to the bitter end, Strider began pasting over entire pages of original text with his own completely rewritten version of the story, while keeping all the chapter titles.
Jane: Just check out the file already.
You try to distract yourself with Strider's literature, but it's no use.
==>
That's an odd extension for a file.
Jane: Install Sburb client.
It doesn't even seem to install anything.
==>
God you wish stuff would stop exploding.
Jane: Answer Di-Stri.
timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 1:43 TT: I should probably warn you.
==>
GG: I guess I should find all that ominous.
==>
TT: I wouldn't worry about it.
==>
TT: Now do me a favor and hop off the couch.
DS: Deploy.
You watch Di-Stri deploy some sort of mammoth instrument on to your balcony.
==>
One of the last two stands in her bedroom.
Examine placronym.
Hey, get that damn cat outta the way!
Cat: Move tail.
Thank you, cat who is probably Jaspers.
Examine room.
Your name is ROXY.
Roxy: Wail like an alley cat and blow bubbles in your drink.
Roxy is not empowered to resurrect this crusty old gag template because all of the sudden "All of a sudden."
Examine placronym.
Hey, clear out that stupid pony!
Pony: Wake up.
Thanks, pony who is presumably a tiny Maplehoof for some reason.
Examine room.
Your name is DIRK.
Dirk: Jut your ass and twitch like a proboscis.
There's no way in hell you were going to give this gag the time of day even if you weren't SUDDENLY TOTALLY LAMBASTED BY THE CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN AGAIN FROM WAY OUT OF LEFT FIELD, INSIDE YOUR GLASSES.
Be Roxy.
You are now Roxy.
Roxy: Go grab that sweet gun.
You pick up your high octane LASER GUN.
Roxy: Examine dead mutant collection.
The biggest one has been around for as long as you remember, encased in that glass-like material.
Roxy: Captchalogue one.
You tuck the biggest one into your MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE MODUS.
Roxy: Take books.
You take the first six books of your MOM'S best selling series, COMPLACENCY OF THE LEARNED.
Roxy: Examine CotL poster.
Some original edition cover art from one of the books.
Roxy: Say hi to cat.
Your cat FRIGGLISH hops down on the bed to greet you, and immediately situates himself on something important, one of your CREATIVE WRITING JOURNALS.
Roxy: Take journals.
You politely scoot Frigglish off the books.
Roxy: Read other book.
This is Jake's private journal.
Roxy: Get little ray gun.
It isn't a ray gun.
Roxy: You're thirsty.
That isn't a command!
Roxy: Sip martini thoughtfully.
DAMMIT!
Roxy: Sip martini more thoughtfully than that.
That's much better.
Roxy: Examine plush pile.
You like to ensconce yourself in this friendly heap when you play games.
Roxy: Succumb to unfathomable booze snooze.
Uh oh.
Roxy: Black out.
Nap time.
Roxy: Wake up.
What the heck was that all about?
Roxy: Answer.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] TT: Roxy.
==>
TG: no i remember TG: i told u a million tines shit sounds like it could be the best thing EVAAAAAR TG: * wherein evars capsed as heck TG: but also that no matter how awesome it might be TG: its probly gonna advance all the schemes of "her condescension" TT: Right.
Roxy: Flirtlarp.
TG: so TG: looks like it just TG: the two of us TT: Looks that way.
Roxy: Answer Jane.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] GG: Heyyy.
==>
TG: RLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????
==>
TG: janey TG: it seems 2 me TG: that there is a (MATHS) % chance of you bein a huge tightass TG: are u bein a huge tightass on me jane GG: Oh god dammit.
Roxy: Ready appearifier.
You push some buttons and mess with some knobby dealies, and get totally set to subject shit to the madrigogs
Roxy: Take book.
Yep, he's dead.
==>
You guess you'll have to do something with the body now.
Roxy: Take cat.
Oops, sylladex is full.
Roxy: Retrieve mutant kitten.
You swap the bottle with one dead cat in it for another.
Roxy: Clear some space.
Need to get this bullshit out of the way.
==>
Your test pilot flew back out, which means the link between planes is working and stable.
==>
From the perspective of anyone observing the two windows from the outside, transport looks instantaneous.
Roxy: Land already.
When you are quite through with that tomfoolery, you find yourself in your household's OBSERVATORY.
Roxy: Answer.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] UU: there yoU are!
==>
TG: ok well since youre so nice TG: ill promoise not to use my wicked void powers re: basic common sense + skills of deduction to bust you up so bad UU: i'd be ever so gratefUl.
Roxy: Proceed to lab.
You are fairly sure this window will take you to one of the windows you have set up in the lab.
Be Dirk.
You are now Dirk.
Dirk: Go get your sword.
You retrieve your UNBREAKABLE KATANA.
==>
You like to juggle around a few different allocations in your portfolio besides bladekind, mostly ironically.
Dirk: Give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump.
Nervous?
==>
He's been around as long as you can remember.
Dirk: Admire fancy santa.
Look at this pompous little asshole.
Dirk: Greet robotic friend.
You say yo what up to this dude over here, and exchange a unique series of hand shakes and fist bumps.
Dirk: Examine wardrobe.
You tell Squarewave to scoot out of the way so you can get a load of your sweet fashions.
Dirk: Change shirt.
You bust out a tank top, which is THE go-to solution for hard dudes who want to show off their guns.
Dirk: What the hell is that on your arm...
Oh, that?
Dirk: Examine little posters.
R.I.P.
Dirk: Examine puppet/hat pile.
The pile at the foot of your bed consists of hats, a few stray robo-parts, and SMUPPETS.
Dirk: Check out big tv.
When you're not using the screen for other purposes, you have it set to rotate through some images by default, like a digital picture frame.
==>
Donald Glover won an academy award for his transcendental performance as Geromy.
Dirk: Examine red microwave.
It isn't a microwave.
Dirk: Captchalogue Geromy plush.
You snap up the GEROMY PLUSH in your TECH-HOP MODUS.
Dirk: Captchalogue Sweet Bro plush.
Might as well complete the plush collection.
Dirk: Captchalogue Hella Jeff plush.
Last but not least...
Dirk: Take sord.....
You pick up the mighty SORD.....
Dirk: Be dream self.
Among the many ways you tend to multitask is by maintaining an ever-alert dream self.
Dirk: Examine sleazy Dersite rag.
It's the latest issue of THE ENQUIRING CARAPACIAN, touting the recent assassination of Prospit's Maid of Life.
==>
While you were making short work of Squarewave, you once again made the mistake of letting your other self's guard down.
==>
Poor HEGEMONIC BRUTE.
Dirk: Check on Roxy.
Since the Archagent is clearly leading the assassination efforts personally on Prospit, this means the DRACONIAN DIGNITARY is most likely focused on the Derse dreamers.
Dirk: Be waking self again.
This is kind of a redundant thing to do since you are always consciously both your waking and dream self at the same time, but you'll let it slide.
Dirk: Pester Roxy.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] TT: Roxy.
==>
TG: no i remember TG: i told u a million tines shit sounds like it could be the best thing EVAAAAAR TG: * wherein evars capsed as heck TG: but also that no matter how awesome it might be TG: its probly gonna advance all the schemes of "her condescension" TT: Right.
Dirk: Take actual responsibilities seriously.
You attempt to take actual responsibilities seriously, but start zoning out in the real world while you dwell on your dream troubles.
Dirk: Answer Auto-Responder.
TT: Bro.
Dirk: Warn Jane.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] TT: I should probably warn you.
==>
TT: Now do me a favor and hop off the couch.
Dirk: Deploy.
TT: Yeah, you're right.
Dirk: Deploy more stuff.
TT: You know, considering your lectures about dividing my concentration, you seem to have no problem making a distraction of yourself.
==>
TT: Here, check it out.
==>
TT: See, I'm just gonna dangle one of her dad's ridiculous dancing figurines in the air like this and get his attention.
Dirk: Deploy cruxtruder.
TT: I was going to stick the cruxtruder in the kitchen.
==>
TT: Once he follows it in, Jane can hurry into the study.
Jane: Run to study.
GG: Oh gosh.
==>
GG: Alrighty, I am in my father's study!
Dirk: Talk to alien.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering timaeusTestified [TT] UU: i see yoU're aboUt ready to begin. how splendid for yoU.
==>
UU: i think their romantic practices are particUlarly esoteric.
Dirk: Go through bedroom door.
You never leave your room through the actual egress.
Ok, I already picked both of those characters.
After an insane, full blown whirlwind of free will up in here, you are ready to get off this rollercoaster ride of absolute empowerment.
Jane: Pester shades.
TT: Are you ready to do this thing?
Jane: Answer Roxy.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] TG: ALART ALART ARLART AL*ERT AL*ART!!!!!
[S] Prince of Heart: Rise up.
Jake: Level up.
That absurd drubbing earned you another rung on your echeladder.
Jake: Pester Dirk.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] GT: Bro.
==>
GT: Your contraption and its busy fists just royally kicked my ass.
==>
GT: Are you listening my friend???
Jake: Pester Roxy.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] GT: I still cant find dirk all i get is his jerkwad shades.
Jake: Pester Jane.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] GT: Aloha madame.
==>
GG: What's happening?
==>
GT: Thats really swell of you to say that.
==>
GT: You are incredibly understanding jane.
==>
GT: You really think so?
==>
You just knew you hadn't finished the job.
Jack: Finish job.
Hang on.
Jack: Answer Dignitary.
He says the deceased child count is still sitting at zero over here.
Roxy: Emerge from fuck deep in meowcats.
Why did you have to clone so many cats?
Roxy: Proceed to transmaterializer.
You trudge through the fluffy morass in the direction of the mysterious device known as the TRANSMATERIALIZER.
==>
More noises echoing in the distance.
==>
You never understood what the point of this thing was.
==>
Here's the lab's funky appearifier which you used to clone all these cats.
==>
Looks like, as expected, trying to appearify your mother as a kid from the past would have created a paradox, so her paradox slime is the result.
Roxy: Collect sample.
You stow the kidmomgoo in one of your captchalogue bottles.
Roxy: Go just sort of pick it up.
You go just sort of pick it up and that works fine.
Roxy: Wear the scarf.
You can't be the rider because in this universe the pony is too small for some reason.
Roxy: Get to that transmaterializer.
This is probably the most perplexing device in the lab to you.
Roxy: Deploy Frigglish.
You bust open a bottle of dead cat on the pad and get a little teary eyed as you say one last goodbye.
==>
The GCat unceremoniously washes a paw with his omnipotent green tongue.
==>
Others gather around to bid farewell to their common ancestor.
Roxy: Send him home.
A mutant kitten does the honors, intentionally or otherwise.
[S] Frigglish: Fast forward to Jaspersprite.
And that was pretty much how all that happened.
Jaspersprite: Say hi to everybody!
What do you think this is, Act 6 Intermission 2??
==>
That's that, you guess.
==>
More clank noises behind you.
Roxy: Turn around.
FREEZE MOTHERFUTHER!
==>
Sure are a lot of them today.
Roxy: Fire!!!!!
You can't do it.
Roxy: Solicit GCat for assistance.
Maybe he's in one of his arbitrarily helpful moods?
Roxy: Run!!!!!
You hoof it back to the window on the double.
==>
COUNT SOM-E WOOLB-EASTS BITC)(
Dirk: Examine fenestrated plane.
This thing just appeared out of thin air.
Dirk: Ask Roxy.
She doesn't respond.
Dirk: Answer.
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT] uu: HELLO DIRK.
==>
uu: SHE'S NOT MY SISTER.
==>
uu: THE LOATHSOME FALSE PERSON.
Dirk: Retrieve juju.
TT: This is probably a dumb question, but you don't really care about "causal spoilers," do you?
==>
uu: THE DRONES HAVE COME A KNOCKING.
Roxy: Run!!!!!
Everybody out of the god damn way.
Jane: Examine pre-punched card.
You have no idea what you're looking at here.
ACT 6 INTERMISSION 2
Hold still, Slick.
[A6I2] ==>
It's warm and nutritious.
[A6I2] ==>
Oh for fuck's sake.
[A6I2] ==>
Also can you bring some gauze?
[A6I2] ==>
It was one of his more tentative stabbings though...
[A6I2] ==>
I probably should have confiscated his knife before I gave him these super fast robot arms.
[A6I2] ==>
Hey put that down.
[A6I2] ==>
If you don't calm down, I'm going to repair your other eye.
[A6I2] ==>
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.
[A6I2] ==>
CCG: HEY, ARE YOU THERE?
[A6I2] ==>
CCG: WELL LOOK, IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LOPSIDED THING WHERE I SPILL ALL MY FEELINGS INTO IDIOTSPACE WHILE SOME SHIT HEAD YELLS AT ME.
[A6I2] ==>
CCG: LIKE I THINK I COULD HANDLE IT BETTER IF IT WAS JUST ONE THING OR THE OTHER.
[A6I2] ==>
FCG: I KNOW WHY.
[A6I2] ==>
FCG: PRETTY MUCH.
[A6I2] ==>
CCG: OH GET OVER YOURSELF, OUR TEN MINUTES IS ALMOST UP.
[A6I2] ==>
FCG: YOU'VE BEEN SENDING HER AN ENDLESS STREAM OF MIXED SIGNALS FOR AS LONG AS YOU'VE KNOWN HER.
[A6I2] ==>
CCG: MAN, I MUST HAVE BEEN INSANE TO THINK ANYTHING IS DIFFERENT.
[A6I2] ==>
PCG: HEY, ARE YOU THERE?
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: hey ROSE: Sup.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: anyone seen terezi around ROSE: No.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: got it DAVE: so what are you up to in here DAVE: whats with all these books ROSE: Research.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: oh ok there it goes DAVE: two hot revitalizing cups of shitty coffee DAVE: fresh out of the weird pod DAVE: why do we even drink this shit DAVE: i guess just cause this thing is here DAVE: like somehow the temptation is even stronger because the coffee sucks?
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: so whats with the big book youre writing in DAVE: is that more wizard fan fiction ROSE: No, it's something like an extensive journal.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: ok DAVE: which is what ROSE: It's very simply a session in which nothing is prototyped before entry, at all.
[A6I2] ==>
ROSE: Instead, it remains in its most basic form, stuck in eternal stalemate.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: is that going to be a problem ROSE: I don't think so.
[A6I2] ==>
ROSE: Yes, we will have to deal with Jack before all is said and done.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: ................
[A6I2] ==>
ROSE: While most landed in time periods corresponding with the original group, ROSE: It seems that two of the new players arrived four centuries ahead of everyone else.
[A6I2] ==>
ROSE: You would find it less disconcerting if the players were alternate versions of us?
[A6I2] ==>
KANAYA: Augh KANAYA: Why Does That Always Happen KARKAT: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE GODDAMN WAY.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: dunno but i was just leaving KARKAT: NOT SO FAST STRIDER, THIS HEAVILY CONCERNS YOU.
[A6I2] ==>
KARKAT: OK, LOOK I'M NOWHERE NEAR YOUR PRECIOUS STUPID CAPE.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: oh no DAVE: what the hot mess of fresh fuck am i looking at KARKAT: IT'S AN ALTERNIAN ROMANCE NOVEL.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: im not reading that shit DAVE: i cant even read your stupid troll language why would you think i can KARKAT: I THINK YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER.
[A6I2] ==>
KARKAT: LOOK, IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
[A6I2] ==>
KARKAT: HEY, CUT IT OUT.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: do not draw an arrangement of squares or otherwise interlocking polygons KARKAT: LET GO.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: this is so sick does she even know youre doing this KARKAT: DOING WHAT??
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: karkat whoa man what are you doing DAVE: why are you drawing all these human dicks DAVE: how do you even know what they look like what have you been watching??
[A6I2] ==>
KARKAT: THIS ALTERCATION IS BECOMING UNCOMFORTABLY PHYSICAL, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: man if you want to look at this that way then thats your business DAVE: this is just an old fashioned beatdown where im from deal with it KARKAT: WHY DON'T YOU OLD FASHIONED GO FUCK YOURSELF?
[A6I2] ==>
KARKAT: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: are you serious KARKAT: FFMUFFUFFIN DAVE: dude unreal DAVE: you are like a cape magnet
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: hold still KARKAT: MMMMMMFFFFFUUFFMMMMUFFIN
[A6I2] ==>
TEREZI: 3V3RYBODY STOP WH4T YOUR3 DO1NG 1MM3D14T3LY!
[A6I2] ==>
JADE: john i really think we are scraping the bottom of the barrel here JOHN: no way!
[A6I2] ==>
JADE: i dont really think this is my kind of game....
[A6I2] ==>
JOHN: you should hurry up and make a character already, so we can get started.
[A6I2] ==>
JOHN: like what?
[A6I2] ==>
JOHN: have you?
[A6I2] ==>
JOHN: what do you think they will be like by then?
[A6I2] ==>
JADE: remember how you told me how karkat kept sort of trying to set you up with rose?
[A6I2] ==>
JASPERSPRITE: Ahem.
[A6I2] ==>
JADE: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!
[A6I2] ==>
MEENAH: hey you MEENAH: god tier boy MEENAH: water you doin there blue boy MEENAH: )(-EY MEENAH: IM TALKING TO YOU
[A6I2] ==>
MEENAH: yes you MEENAH: the dork in the pajamas MEENAH: ok the OT)(-ER dork in pajamas MEENAH: be all a pajama party up in here today JOHN: hi.
[A6I2] ==>
JOHN: um... your troll friends?
[A6I2] ==>
JOHN: yes. well, it's a dream bubble.
[A6I2] ==>
JOHN: what plan?
[A6I2] ==>
MEENAH: S-E--------------------E
[A6I2] ==>
DAVE: whoa is that john KARKAT: YEAH, I THINK IT IS.
[A6I2] ==>
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] AG: Hahahahahahahaha!
[A6I2] ==>
AG: Oh, I know.
[A6I2] ==>
AG: That's ok.
[A6I2] ==>
GC: 1 WOULD S4Y GC: 3V3N THOUGH SH3 D1D SOM3 B4D TH1NGS 4ND W4S TOT4LLY 1MPOSS1BL3 MOST OF TH3 T1M3 GC: 1 W1SH SH3 W4SNT D34D GC: 1S 1T W31RD TO M1SS SOM3BODY WHO D1D NOTH1NG BUT C4US3 PROBL3MS?
[A6I2] ==>
GC: Y34H GC: 1 GU3SS 1 UND3RSTOOD SOM3 OF TH4T, BUT N3V3R QU1T3 PUT 1T 4LL TOG3TH3R TH4T W4Y GC: 1 DONT TH1NK 1 W4S 4 GR34T S33R OF M1ND AG: Well, you aren't finished 8eing one, are you?
[A6I2] ==>
GC: OH GC: 1 M34N GC: 1 GU3SS 31TH3R?
[A6I2] ==>
AG: You could look for a8solution through rationalization.
[A6I2] ==>
AG: It takes time, and is only accelerated 8y looking at things honestly.
[A6I2] ==>
GC: HMM GC: TH4NKS FOR 4SK1NG GC: BUT 1D R4TH3R JUST ST4Y TH1S W4Y GC: L34RN1NG TO S3NS3 TH1NGS TH1S W4Y W4S TH3 ONLY CONN3CT1ON 1 3V3R H4D W1TH MY LUSUS B3FOR3 SH3 D13D GC: 1T R3M1NDS M3 OF H3R GC: TH4T PROB4BLY SOUNDS DUMB THOUGH AG: Not at all.
[A6I2] ==>
GC: 1TS COOL TH4T YOU W4NT TO H3LP H34L M3 4ND 4LL GC: BUT GC: 1 ST1LL DONT R34LLY KNOW 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT YOU GC: OTH3R TH4N TH4T YOU S33M L1K3 SOM3 SORT OF MUCH N1C3R VR1SK4 GC: WH3R3 W3R3 YOU FROM 4G41N?
[A6I2] ==>
GC: 3X4CTLY HOW LONG H4V3 YOU 4LL B33N L1V1NG 1N DR34M BUBBL3S?
[A6I2] ==>
How can he be here already?
[A6I2] ==>
The dude is ALWAYS already here.
[A6I2] ==>
Slick, he's come here to finish you off!
[A6I2] ==>
Hey, get back in bed.
[A6I2] ==>
There's no time to lose, we've got to get you out of here!
[A6I2] ==>
Now if I can just go grab Ms.
[A6I2] ==>
We settle this NOW.
[A6I2] ==>
What's that, English?
[A6I2] ==>
WHILE YOU DIE SHIT SHIT SHIT, OH SHIT.
[A6I2] ==>
Ok, that gun looks super deudly.
[A6I2] ==>
Please let magic be real, please let magic be real, please let magic be real.
[A6I2] ==>
Aw fuck who am I kidding magic is fake as shit.
[A6I2] ==>
I failed you, Rufio.
END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 2
--
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG] UU: hUzzah!
--
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] TG: jcrocks TG: urgent cornespondence 4 profeffor bffsy over GG: Roxy!
--
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] GT: Ahoy!
==>
You verify whether or not you made it to the end of the game, as shown above.
--
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] TT: Looks like you're getting the hang of these puzzles.
[S] Jane: Cautiously approach.
==>
Ok, what the FUCK are you going to do with all these stupid potions?
Gamzee: Retrieve contraband from chest of whimsy.
The clown says he can all motherfuckin abide about that.
Jane: Say hello to your new guide.
TAVRISPRITE: wHAT, TAVRISPRITE: Thhhhhhhhe, TAVRISPRITE: fUCK!!!!!!!!
==>
TAVRISPRITE: nO, TAVRISPRITE: nO, No, nO, No, nO, No, nO, No.
==>
TAVRISPRITE: eEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH,,,,,,,,.
==>
VRISKA: Tavros, this fucking sucks.
==>
VRISKA: Well, there's an orange guy.
Jake: Proceed to time capsule.
You cannot proceed to the TIME CAPSULE because you are lying on the floor unconscious.
Jake: Regain consciousness.
You fail to regain consciousness.
Years in the past...
But centuries in the future.
Jake: Respond.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] TT: Happy 13th, bro.
==>
TT: Yeah, assuming I can actually send it today without another untimely paradoxification.
Jake: Complete brobot.
GT: There he is finished.
==>
TT: Nobody at the time knew what the fuck she wanted to accomplish or what her actual motives were.
==>
TT: The rumors say it was her own "pet" who killed them.
==>
TT: Even drones were replaced with robotic versions.
==>
TT: Pretty sure the Carapacians took care of her when she was young.
==>
GT: Those are amazing stories.
==>
GT: She had gone off to study the ruins one day.
==>
GT: Just a big poof of smoke where it was standing.
==>
GT: Oh theres not much more to it.
==>
TT: Well, like I said.
==>
TT: That kid kept the family name but obviously your grandma didn't.
==>
TT: It was definitely brave on her part, but ultimately it got her a bankrupt company, a blown up house, and a fork through the torso for her trouble.
==>
GT: No i tried its too depressing.
==>
GT: Fuck yes the sbahj films RULE.
==>
GT: Your forebears are certainly entrepreneurial if nothing else.
==>
TT: As I mentioned, Crockercorp's rebranding on 3-11, as it was often referred to in the news, totally changed everything.
==>
GT: That boorish cur!!!
==>
GT: I still dont really know what a juggalo is.
==>
TT: He killed them both.
==>
TT: Unfortunately, as they were only figureheads, no liberation followed.
==>
TT: Meanwhile, Roxy's mom was tracking down the High Chaplain.
==>
TT: She gouged his eyes with a pair of needles.
==>
TT: And rode his torso to the bottom of the bloody falls.
==>
TT: Reports of what happened to our ancestors after that are sketchy.
==>
TT: But even if they did manage to confront her, there was no way they could win.
==>
TT: Whatever actually went down, they're surely both dead now.
==>
GT: Are you sure you arent real?
==>
GT: Ok dude shes here shoosh!
Jack: Start Jailbreak Adventure.
You wake up locked in a deserted jail cell, completely alone.
Jack: Attempt to pry open window.
There are no objects around with which to "pry open window".
Jack: Get key.
What did you not understand about the statement, "There is nothing at all in your cell, useful or otherwise."
==>
It is an extremely crude drawing of a key on the floor.
Jack: Get pumpkin.
WHAT FUCKING PUMPKIN.
Jack: Consume pumpkin.
What a horrible idea.
Jack: Look out window.
You step up on the little curby thing to get a better look outside.
==>
A lone sentry is on duty below.
Jack: Inspect pumpkin.
That guy won't be of any use.
Jack: Take a closer look.
Eureka.
Jack: Search for carving apparatus.
Hang on.
Jack: Take pointy thing.
You snap off a golden pointy thing.
Jack: Carve pumpkin.
It slices through the meat of the vegetable like a sharp spire through thick squash.
Jack: Open it.
You can taste your liberation already.
==>
A whole bunch of knives.
==>
He's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Jack: Empty pumpkin on floor.
You take a quick inventory of the smuggled contraband.
Jack: Examine compromising material.
The Droll knows what it's like spending long, cold nights alone in the clink.
Jack: Forge blade out of illicit literature.
None shall be the wiser.
Jack: Throw a knife down there to get that guy's attention.
That should get the guy's attention.
==>
Unfortunately it only keeps his attention until he dies, which is almost instantly.
Jack: Examine exit.
That door is locked tight.
Jack: Knock on door.
Maybe if you knock hard enough, in just the right way, at just the right time...
Jack: Now.
Your clumsy fist accidentally flies through the bars, knocking out a passer-by.
==>
It's quite possible one of those keys will unlock your door.
Jack: Use knife to snag one of the keys on the floor.
You see if a knife can adequately lengthen your reach.
Jack: Beckon other guard over.
He looks none too pleased by your misbehavior.
Jack: Convince second guard to pick up keys for you.
You use a little "persuasion" to see if you can get him too...
Jack: Look around room.
The only remaining thing in the room worth noting is in the other corner of your cell.
Jack: Welcome guest.
Looks like the sentry phoned downstairs for a little muscle.
Jack: Be the other guy.
You attempt to be this guy down here but you can't be this guy down here because he's dead.
Jack: Stop being that guy.
You stop being the other guy in time for us to see that you have just finished quickly and cleanly subduing the...
Jack: Apologize to guard's body.
You start to feel sorry for stabbing that guy with 7 knives in the back and bashing his face into the door 89 times.
Jack: Give guy a proper funeral.
Whatever the state of your contrition might be, there can be no question about it.
Jack: Seek alternative casket.
You sever the guard's head with your most trusted of all trusty knives, and begin sizing up that hollowed pumpkin.
Jack: Make it fit.
You don't care what anyone says.
Jack: Close it up.
Perfect.
Jack: Bring casket over to receptacle.
His funeral will not be complete without a proper sendoff.
Jack: Pry open panel with knife.
You open it up and switch a few wires around.
==>
You hear the door open again, followed by the sound of surly footsteps.
Jack: Quick, be the other guy again.
You be the other guy again while they beat you senseless.
Other guy: Be Jake.
Suddenly you aren't the other guy anymore.
Jake: Attempt to get a gab in edgeways.
ARANEA: Well, Jake?
==>
ARANEA: You really don't have to 8e so em8arrassed.
==>
JAKE: Can you tell me anything more about this demon?
==>
JAKE: Son of a BITCH!
==>
ARANEA: I've gathered a small group of travelers for a meeting.
Archagent: Report.
The archagent cannot submit the paperwork for his daily report because the archagent is in jail.
DD: Report.
The report is that you've got all these reports to fill out which the archagent has been letting pile up, and which you have absolutely no intention of completing.
DD: Locate prince.
You can't.
DD: Seek help.
You already did.
DD: Retrieve extra firepower.
In response, the dame gave you clearance to employ the service of DRONEGORG, the flagship battlemech of the imperial fleet she keeps stationed on some other damn planet.
DD: Mount Dronegorg and ride into battle.
No.
==>
Only an utter fool would get a kick out of prancing around in that asinine getup.
==>
But it doesn't do no good to spurn generosity from a beautiful and deadly woman.
==>
Regal types can be very touchy, even the ones who seem to revel in anarchy.
==>
After all, royalty is royalty.
==>
You're not feeling it.
[S] DD: Ascend more casually.
==>
After a lot of bullshitting around, you calmly and casually put on the RING OF ORBS NOFOLD.
==>
The Draconian Dignitary.
DD: Unleash awesome powers of ring.
Awesome powers?
DD: Ok, that's cool.
You stop being invisible.
DD: Use Red Miles.
The kid can't escape the miles.
==>
No one can escape the miles.
Jane: Keep looking for dad.
You have been following a trail of clues on your quest to sleuth the whereabouts of your errant father.
Jane: Investigate clue.
It is your dad's WALLET.
Jane: Examine note.
What the...
Jane: Get car.
Now armed with your father's roomy, sleek leather wallet, you retrieve the family sedan with ease.
Jane: Answer.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] TT: Shred it.
Jane: Captchalogue obelisk.
You stick the OBELISK in the wallet.
Jane: Feed it to gristwidget 12000.
You put the card in the widget and holy smokes!
==>
The built-in GRIST GUTTER on the widget immediately kicks into action, collecting all the grist overflow exceeding your current low limit.
Jane: Proceed to crypt.
Aaaaaand the door's locked now.
Jane: Answer again.
TT: Hmm.
Jane: Pester UU.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU] GG: Hello?
uu: Jeer Dirk.
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT] uu: HELLO DIRK.
uu: Jeer Past Dirk.
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT] uu: HELLO DIRK IN THE PAST.
==>
uu: I WOuLD LIKE YOu TO DRAW.
==>
uu: THERE WILL BE NEW ACTORS IN THIS VuLGAR EXHIBITION.
==>
uu: NOTHING JuST YET.
==>
uu: THE TWIST TO THE TWIST IS.
uu: Jeer future Dirk.
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT] uu: THAAAAT...
uu: Reveal shitty twist.
uu: I ALREADY KILLED HER!!!!!
==>
uu: AND THE GREAT THING IS.
==>
uu: TO GET THE ARCHAGENT TO DO IT.
==>
uu: BASICALLY WHAT I'M SAYING IS.
==>
ARANEA: WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE DOING????????
==>
ARANEA: Stop it, all of you!
==>
ARANEA: Now step away from it.
==>
KARKAT: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT YOU.
==>
ROSE: (I'm not sure if that's a good idea.)
==>
DAVE: (hey rose) ROSE: (Yeah?)
==>
TEREZI: YOUR3 M1SS1NG 4 LOT OF F4SC1N4T1NG STUFF 4BOUT OUR 4NC3STORS!
==>
ARANEA: MMMMMMMMPH!!!!!!!!
==>
MEENAH: ok so we all lost cause everybody sucked but me
==>
MEENAH: so serket here wanted to do the scratch thing that would make us all not exist
==>
MEENAH: but i found out from monsters we could keep existin if we was a bunch of ghosts
==>
MEENAH: thing is nobody ever has the guts to off anybody
==>
MEENAH: let alone themshellves
==>
MEENAH: so i blew us all the fuck up
==>
MEENAH: and thats glubbin that
==>
MEENAH: now were ghosts the end
==>
ARANEA: Thap waf.......
==>
ARANEA: THE WORST STORY THAT HAS EVER 8EEN TOLD IN THE HISTORY OF PARADOX SPACE.
==>
ARANEA: Instead of storming off to the moon in a huff, Peixes em8raced her role as an heiress.
==>
JAKE: HIIIIIIIIIIIII YA!!!!!!
==>
JAKE: YOU KILLED DIRK AND ROXYS BRO AND MOM RESPECTIVELY!
==>
TEREZI: (psst) DIRK: ?
==>
ARANEA: Jake, stop whaling on her like that!
==>
MEENAH: SOOOOOOOOOOO MEENAH: COOOOOOOOOOOL
Jake: Wake up.
Ow, your head.
Jake: Answer.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering golgothasTerror [GT] UU: jake, i don't have long to talk so i shall leave this note to yoU while yoU sleep and then go.
Jake: Examine time capsule.
Still about 10 minutes to go before the stuff is supposed to appear.
Jake: Deploy Terry Kiser.
Terry!
Jake: Monstrositify something.
You drop some DELICIOUS FRUIT and activate the green beam.
Jake: Ok, try out infinitesimalizer.
You deploy the massive thing that's been clogging your sylladex forever.
Jake: Shrink it.
Works like a charm, as expected.
Jake: Watch capsule bloom.
There they are!
Jake: Check capsule clock.
Hold on.
Jake: Prepare present for delivery.
Gotta shrink these weapons down first!
==>
Need to write an addendum to John about this stuff.
[S] Terry: Fast forward to Liv.
==>
And that was how that stuff happened.
UU: Cheer uu.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] UU: finally getting a bit aggressive with yoUr qUeen there?
UU: Defeat uu.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] UU: i still don't know what yoU think yoU're on aboUt with this enchantment bUsiness.
uu: Jeer UU.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] UU: oh bloody hell.
uu: Defeat UU.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] UU: king to e3.
==>
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering undyingUmbrage [uu] UU: FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
Be Jane.
Your nimble friend returned with the duplicated obelisk, allowing you into the crypt to pursue your father.
Jane: Examine door.
You can smell his cologne.
Jane: Answer client shades.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] TT: Hold up.
==>
GG: That's a really nice room there.
Jane: Zoom out.
GG: OH NO!!!!!
==>
TT: If sources are to be trusted, and my calculations are reliable within a 0.001% margin of error, it's a bunch of super deadly red shit.
Jane: Follow the rabbit.
GG: He just disappeared on that platform!
Jane: "Transportalize."
GG: It'll be fine!
==>
TT: And what in the name of Jesus H.
Be Jake.
Now that you've shot your boxed-up friend through time and space to grandma land, it's time to retrieve her lab globe which you shrunk then hot potatoed down the rabbit hole.
Jake: Look in hole.
It's a bit deeper than you thought.
Jake: Jump down and get that globe.
You mainly want to take what's inside it.
Jake: Take it.
You just sort of reach inside and take it.
Jake: Answer.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] TT: Hold up.
Jake: Deploy.
GT: There we are.
Jake: Transportalize.
GT: Whoa what is THIS place?
==>
TT: Ok, what the fuck is he doing here?
==>
It's the White Rabbit!
Be Dirk.
uu: BETTER HuRRY uP.
Be Roxy.
You have been scrambling around this burning colony for who even knows how long, evading attacks from drones.
==>
It seems while you were running away from missiles and trying not to get blown up, messages from friends have been piling up.
Roxy: Answer chumps.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] GG: Hey!
Roxy: Answer UU.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] UU: miss lalonde, do be carefUl.
==>
UU: i do know a thing or two aboUt the red miles.
I selected all those characters.
You press onward, feeling refreshed and invigorated by all the free will you were just dealt.
Roxy: Return home.
You have returned home to find a variety of devices deployed throughout your house, and a variety of fires threatening to burn it down.
Roxy: Put out fires.
You quickly put everyone on bucket duty to douse the flames.
Roxy: Connect with Jake.
You run the server program which auto-connects with Jake and a viewport of his old house just pops right open.
Roxy: Multitask.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] UU: i can't see yoU, bUt yoU mUst be back by now, yes?
==>
UU: i don't Understand.
==>
TG: ohhhly SHIT TG: *hooooooly TG: holiest of shits TG: the shit.....
==>
TG: well ty for finally confiding in me calilope TG: *calliope sorrey UU: yoU're welcome. it is good to get it off my chest.
==>
TG: omg TG: that is TG: amazing?
==>
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
==>
You are now Calliope.
Calliope: Dehorn.
You remove the last accessory to your prized COSPLAY ENSEMBLE, and put it neatly with the rest of the stuff.
Calliope: Examine artwork.
These are just a few of the many drawings you have done over the years celebrating your absolute all-time favorite characters.
==>
You often like to draw your TROLLSONA too, CALLIE OHPEEE.
Calliope: Examine mess.
He's always been a pain to live with, but now that he seems to be on the verge of victory, he is completely out of control.
Calliope: Tidy up a little.
You stow the delicious mess in your sylladex.
Calliope: Examine box.
It is a box of SPECIAL STARDUST.
Calliope: See what you've got captchalogued.
Given the frustrating nature of your modus, your sylladex tends to serve as more of a mutual garbage dump than an inventory.
==>
It seems he has left a series of UNPLEASANT NOTES to taunt you.
==>
Or maybe he's just looking for yet another way to stick it to you.
Calliope: Check out green tome.
Making absolutely sure not to captchalogue it, you remove your TABLET, which you use to pen all the striking visuals related to your favored epic.
Calliope: Open it up.
You open the book to a random page.
Calliope: Flip to another page.
Yeah, see here?
Calliope: Examine black tome.
It's some sort of programming book.
Calliope: Open it.
Er, no.
Calliope: Retrieve wand.
The WHITE WAND is your weapon of choice, half the time.
Calliope: Load wand.
You load your WHITE MAGNUM.
Calliope: Examine chest.
This is your JUJU CHEST.
Calliope: Let's have a look inside.
You gaze upon your dear, sweet, precious, sweet, sweet JUJU.
Calliope: Holster magnum.
You neatly put the weapon where it belongs.
Calliope: Examine other chain.
This is the chain you shackle to your other leg when you're about to go to sleep.
Calliope: Check out bed.
Like you said, you don't have a bed.
Calliope: Remove cover.
Every time you wake up, you are always sure to put the lid back on neatly.
Calliope: Examine ladder.
This leads outside.
Calliope: Exit.
You step into the sunlight.
==>
It comes in great supply from your planet's star, a MASSIVE RED SUPERGIANT.
==>
Your world is so old, its star is reaching the end of its life cycle.
Calliope: Look around one last time.
Whatever way it is you finally depart this world, you're going to miss the place.
==>
It is very peaceful here.
==>
Though to be honest, you could do without some of the tacky scenery.
==>
You have always had the feeling that whoever used to live on this planet had a really strange sense of humor.
Select character.
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering uranianUmbra [UU] uu: HEY.
Be Jane.
uu: THERE'S THE JANE HuMAN.
==>
uu: LOOK AT THIS IDIOT WOMAN.
==>
uu: AND WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
==>
uu: SuCH A TOTAL FuCKING GONER.
==>
uu: SHE'S SLIPPING AWAY FROM uS!
==>
uu: GOD DAMN VIEW PORT.
Be Jake.
uu: WILL YOu GET A MAMMOTH LOAD OF THIS CLuELESS DuMBFuCK.
==>
uu: IS ALMOST AS THICK AS MINE.
==>
uu: FuCKING SHAMELESS.
==>
uu: EITHER HE IS LIKE.
==>
uu: HE MAKES NO BONES ABOuT GANKING MY LOOK.
==>
uu: PROBABLY SOME DAY.
==>
uu: I'LL TEACH HIM A LESSON FOR THAT.
Be Roxy.
uu: CHECK OuT THIS TOP SHELF HO.
==>
uu: THIS RIDICuLOuS FEMALE HAS FAILED TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION.
==>
uu: THE MIIIIIIIIIIILES!
==>
uu: HAA HAA HEE HEE HAA HOO WAIT.
==>
uu: WE BOTH KNOW THE LAME ROXY FEMALE WAS TOAST THERE.
==>
uu: GIVE ME A FuCKING BREAK.
==>
uu: BuT DON'T GET ME WRONG.
==>
uu: I'D STILL LOVE TO WATCH HIM DIE...........
I clicked on all those kids.
==>
DIRK: What just happened?
==>
DIRK: All of my friends are either dead, or lying on the ground unconscious, including me.
==>
DIRK: Sorry I can't hang around your bubble and shoot the breeze for a while.
==>
DIRK: Also I'm just gonna steal her if you don't mind.
==>
DIRK: She needs to come home.
==>
DIRK: Tell the aquatic punk girl my idiot bro is sorry for beating the shit out of her.
==>
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] TT: Jake.
==>
TT: Please don't call me Auto-Responder.
Jane, Dirk, Jake, Roxy: Enter.
[S] ACT 6 INTERMISSION 3
[If game doesn't play, try another browser.
[A6I3] ==>
You pause your adventure through the afterlife because you've been at it for way too long already.
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: i think i just realized something.
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!!
[A6I3] ==>
JADE: whaaat JADE: but you love this movie!
[A6I3] ==>
JADE: look you made us miss a whole bunch of stuff!
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: god damn dave sprite.
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: aw, man. really?
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: when did that happen?
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: why is he such a basket case?
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: ok, fine.
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: oh god dammit.
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: THAT BASTARD!!!
[A6I3] ==>
JADE: where are you going?
[A6I3] ==>
JADE: ok yes, that practical joke is in poor taste, but you should try to calm down and...
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: I'M COMING FOR YOU, DAVE SPRITE!
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: YEAH SURE, LAUGH IT UP!
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: oh he's THERE alright.
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: who cares about mules, or pastures, or dave sprite's stupid ephemeral sky visage.
[S][A6I3] ==>
[If game doesn't play, try another browser.
[A6I3] ==>
After, what... another hour?
[A6I3] ==>
The feisty mailwoman is still chasing you.
[A6I3] ==>
TAVROS: i SAW IT FIRST,
[A6I3] ==>
TAVROS: iT'S FOR PRIVATE SENTIMENTAL PURPOSES, TAVROS: i DON'T WANT TO SAY, JOHN: that's cool. guess i will just enjoy this ring forever, as my property.
[A6I3] ==>
VRISKA: TAAAAAAAAVR........
[A6I3] ==>
VRISKA: Hasn't it ever occurred to you to wonder who the ultim8 8ad guy of this adventure was going to 8e?
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: i take it you were pretty good friends back on your planet?
[A6I3] ==>
VRISKA: He's just some huge overpowered green freak.
[A6I3] ==>
VRISKA: Yes, that's it.
[A6I3] ==>
VRISKA: John, come take a look at this.
[A6I3] ==>
VRISKA: John, tell me what you see here.
[A6I3] ==>
VRISKA: You wouldn't 8elieve my luck.
[A6I3] ==>
VRISKA: The guy who's 8een fucking shit up is the 8ig 8ad himself!
[A6I3] ==>
JOHN: that is pretty neat.
[S][A6I3] ==>
[If game doesn't play, try another browser.
[A6I3] ==>
You reach the end of the game to find an intriguing convergence of outrageous personalities.
[A6I3] ==>
DAVE: (pshh psh bumBUM) DAVE: (pshh psh bumBUM BUM psh) DAVE: (yeah) DAVE: (uh huh) DAVE: (no wait) DAVE: (more like...)
[A6I3] ==>
DAVE: (yeah) DAVE: (yeah) DAVE: (droppin everything today) DAVE: (making it rain) DAVE: (precipitatin straight up mayhem) DAVE: (HELLS of weather patterns closing in) DAVE: (inanimate shit be slippin from my mitts) DAVE: (my digits cant commit to a legitimate grip) DAVE: (wait) DAVE: (nah ima start over) DAVE: (feel this flow out a lil more) DAVE: (about how im droppin things today) DAVE: (just left and right) DAVE: (things of all shapes sizes and dubious metaphorical merit) DAVE: (things aint even being held) DAVE: (by chumps who cant be assed to show up) DAVE: (droppin shit on yo BEHALF) DAVE: (you name it) DAVE: (ima let it go) DAVE: (drop it like a frivolous lawsuit) DAVE: (oh snap) DAVE: (get out of my courtroom bitch) DAVE: (WASTE OF TAXPAYER MONEY YO) DAVE: (drop it like the most expensive fucking christmas ornament) DAVE: (step on that glass with your bare ass feet) DAVE: (christmas is RUINED motherfucker) DAVE: (drop it like the mug in usual suspects) DAVE: (kobayashi was your cup you dumb fuck) DAVE: (lmao) DAVE: (drop it like unemployment figures under the obama administrations bold economic policies) DAVE: (drop it like cargo on a space getaway) DAVE: (just) DAVE: (jettison that motherfucker) DAVE: (this rap is blasting off) DAVE: (drop it like a bunch of firewood i just gathered) DAVE: (gonna rub a couple muthafuckin sticks together) DAVE: (just sittin here whippin up sick lyrical friction) DAVE: (if you start smellin smoke you caught a whiff of my diction) DAVE: (shits gettin warm but i wont stop til its hot) DAVE: (warm just dont cut it when shits gettin dropped) DAVE: (tell me how you feel) DAVE: (about shit getting dropped) DAVE: (how hot do you want it) DAVE: (when i let go of the fire) DAVE: (just say when) DAVE: (what) DAVE: (i cant hear you) DAVE: (I SAID SAY WHEN MUTHAFUCKS SHIT IS BURNIN MY HANDS!)
[A6I3] ==>
DAVE: (just dropped that shit like a bad phone connection) DAVE: (i put gravity in charge of its downward direction) DAVE: (unfettered descents what it considers perfection) DAVE: (shit thinks of the ground and it gets an erection) DAVE: (best hope its carpet bound in its downward spiral) DAVE: (cause linoleums frowned on, met with an eyeroll) DAVE: (landin on grass is just the course that its par for) DAVE: (but hardwood fuckin floors what its woods gettin hard for) DAVE: (guess i should mention stead a motherfuckin hardons) DAVE: (how my motherfuckin french could use a presidential pardon) DAVE: (KICK IT BARACK) DAVE: (heres where obamas rap solo comes in) DAVE: (no but how dope would that be!)
[A6I3] ==>
DAVE: dammit DAVE: rose dont drink so loud its messing up my raps DAVE: i can actually hear your sips through my headphones ROSE: Yea well,, ROSE: I can her your rasps through your whipsers.
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: Iss, ROSE: Prehhhhtay strong I geush?
[A6I3] ==>
DAVE: oh my god DAVE: you laughed way too hard at that it wasnt anywhere close to that funny DAVE: i think youve had enough ROSE: *Siiip.* ROSE: Whaa?
[A6I3] ==>
KANAYA: Good Evening ROSE: HIC!!!!!!!
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: I FORGOD ABOUT OUR DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[A6I3] ==>
KANAYA: Our Date KANAYA: Then KANAYA: You Did Intend For The Plans We Made To Be A Date KANAYA: Which Is To Say One That Was Romantically Oriented DAVE: holy shit we got a room full of smooth operators here tonight DAVE: yes kanaya it was going to be a romantically oriented date ROSE: I'm so sorry aaaah..!
[A6I3] ==>
KANAYA: Since Its Now Clear That Your Premeditated Designs On This Evening Exceeded My Own By A Wide Margin KANAYA: Insofar As You Intended This To Be A Date With Fancy Clothes Whereas I Showed Up Looking Like Something The Lusus Dragged In KANAYA: Maybe You Can Tell Me Now Exactly What You Had In Mind KANAYA: I Mean KANAYA: As Far As Specific Activities Are Concerned ROSE: Noupe!
[A6I3] ==>
KANAYA: That Better ROSE: Yes.
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: Kaynaya.
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: Can you kep a secret?
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: I learned somethin earlier today.
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: KANAYA THAT IS EXAGLY WHAT I NEED TO DO!!!
[A6I3] ==>
KANAYA: That Is KANAYA: A Lot Of Things ROSE: I want you... to, ROSE: Teash me ALL the quadrans.
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: I want you toot, ROSE: Tell me about your spabes, ROSE: Your didamounds,
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: I wank you to, ROSE: Share wish me yur clumbs...
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: I want..
[A6I3] ==>
ROSE: Yuouo....
[A6I3] ==>
And with the smitten Seer's inebriated descent down a flight of escalation zigzags through the dark subway-like belly of the meteor, and with teen xenolove mingling with weird honks wafting from the ventshafts to fill the fetid laboratory air with equal parts mirth and gaiety, we are ready to bid adieu to this vignette of hyperimportant fucking around on the pitch-perfect note of a single textbook deployment of the rare yet highly embarrassing DRUNK HAPPEN xROSE COMBOBOB.
[A6I3] ==>
Literally the worst psycheout in Homestuck to date, hands down.
[S][A6I3] ==>
You spend no less than 90 seconds staring at this fucking GIF image before you realize the actual Flash animation is on the next page.
END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 3
[A6I4] ==>
You are now Caliborn.
[A6I4] ==>
You needed something to sop up all the blood, so you snatched your sister's fanfic tome for the road.
[A6I4] ==>
You captchalogue the tome, savoring the recently acquired freedom of having a fetch modus all to yourself.
[A6I4] ==>
You are already so far from home.
[A6I4] ==>
You peer at your former prison through the scope on your MACHINE GUN.
[A6I4] ==>
Still no gates.
[A6I4] ==>
Until then, it seems there is nothing to do but keep exploring.
[A6I4] ==>
You keep walking.
[A6I4] ==>
You're not going to lie.
[A6I4] ==>
This place is boring as hell.
[A6I4] ==>
You were hoping for a lot more out of this adventure.
[A6I4] ==>
The wasteland is empty.
[A6I4] ==>
What's that over there??
[A6I4] ==>
You take a look at the message.
[A6I4] ==>
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering undyingUmbrage [uu] TG: psst hey calliopes bro TG: i got TG: a secret message 4 u TG: it is TG: ehehm TG: CALLIOPE TG: ....
[A6I4] ==>
TG: i think i was being the worst kind of turd 4 opposing the idea so long TG: guess i thought i was being noble TG: like sacrificing something that was important and we all wanted anyways just so i could fuck with the witch and her plans TG: but i dunno what i was thinking TG: cause this shit here is p great i have got to say TG: now we are all of the sudden in this crazy place full of pretty green hills and a black empty sky TG: i never actually seen anything like plants growin or a country side TG: its so peaceful and quiet here TG: i mean the racket my loudmouth pals are makin notwithstanding TG: we are just chilling at jakes old broken house on a mountain figuring what to do TG: lol this all happened so fuckin fast!
[A6I4] ==>
TG: like i was under attack there TG: my colony was burning TG: and i remember dying TG: and i think jane must have died too?
[A6I4] ==>
TG: i dunno TG: ill try to make better sense of all this later TG: i just wanted to tell you TG: and thank you for all you did to bring us together like this TG: it has meant so v much 2 me TG: oh guess what i even have a new lightning bug pal!
[A6I4] ==>
TG: not even ten stinkin mins into our magic bestfriendquest and theyre already jacking up the drama TG: need to flag down the dramambulance TG: haul these fuckers away TG: wow they are really being so absurd TG: maybe its just cause im not tipsy atm but this shit is like hells of amateur hour to me r now TG: maybe if i wasnt as sober as a nun gettin slapped by a librarian i wouldnt even notice?
[S][A6I4] ==>
Caliborn what are you doing.
[A6I4] ==>
You finish brutally gunning down a semi-innocent clown for like five solid minutes and turn your attention toward this mysterious tower.
[A6I4] ==>
You just think you can figure everything out by yourself, don't you?
[A6I4] ==>
You are really upset that you killed that sweet helpful bard.
[A6I4] ==>
What's the matter with it?
[A6I4] ==>
THIS DIALOGUE IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE.
[A6I4] ==>
STOP TOUTING THE WISDOM OF THAT IMBECILE WITH THE DISTURBING UNDERPANTS.
[A6I4] ==>
HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY STILL BE ALIVE???
[S][A6I4] ==>
You mother fucker.
[A6I4] ==>
Now all the monitors have power.
[A6I4] ==>
Well, maybe that's why it's a wireless mouse?
[A6I4] ==>
MARK MY WORDS.
[S!]
YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!
[A6I4] ==>
SO MY GOAL IS.
[A6I4] ==>
HOW DO I KNOW WHICH KEY GOES IN WHICH HOLE.
[A6I4] ==>
IT'S THE DIRK HUMAN.
END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 4
Jake: Examine incoming message.
Jake: Solicit profound wisdom from your friendly guide.
JAKE: SIIIIIGH.
Jane: Answer.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] GT: Greetings!
==>
GT: I cant believe its already been...
==>
GT: It never ceases to amaze me how excellent you are at this friendship business.
==>
GG: JAKE, LET ME ASK YOU.
==>
GG: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!
==>
GG: STFU BUSTER!!!!!!!!!
==>
ROXY: jane ROXY: yo uh ROXY: janey ROXY: u ok there JANE: I WILL BE PEACHY FUCKING KEEN ONCE I STOMP THIS NOVELTY MUSTACHE HEADSET INTO OBLIVION, AND NOT A MOMENT SOONER!
==>
JANE: OH POOR FEFETA MY SWEET PATOOTIE!
==>
ROXY: ok god ROXY: was just tryin to cheer you up ROXY: take ur mind off whatever the hell that was ROXY: you werent serious about calling off the party were you ROXY: here let me just get the chess guys to help put the table back on the roof ROXY: and maybe salvage the cake out of that sand dune over there...
==>
JANE: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???
Jane: Abscond.
JANE: HOME!!!
==>
ROXY: good lard ROXY: all my friends are being disasters ROXY: welp looks like its just us ROXY: party nite w gcat and fefeta ROXY: fefeta???
==>
ROXY: aw its ok you had enough drama in your lives ROXY: you deserve some rest ROXY: good night sweet princess
==>
ROXY: sooo ROXY: gcat ROXY: i guess that just leaves the two of us ROXY: wow this is ROXY: great?
Jane: Answer.
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering gutsyGumshoe [GG] uu: CROCKER.
==>
uu: SO WHEN I SAY YOU'RE UGLY.
==>
GG: That is the most pointless and incomprehensible load of drivel I have ever read.
==>
uu: YOU REALLY SHOULD BELIEVE ME.
DD: Examine sleazy Dersite rag.
Let's see what's in the news today.
==>
The press has run the story so far into the ground, you can barely bring yourself to keep up with it anymore.
DD: Observe Nobles.
You step over to your cubicle of FENESTRATED WALLS, which you had replaced since the Prince trashed the old ones.
==>
And it's a good thing you taught them a lesson when you did.
DD: Check on prisoner.
Speaking of the new prisoner, you wonder how the old one is doing.
==>
You take a stroll through the Derse penitentiary.
DD: Proceed to solitary confinement suite.
Going up.
==>
The prisoner appears to be doing well.
DD: Ask what prisoner is doing.
No need to ask.
==>
HATLIKER: @ALL: HELP!
==>
HATLIKER: @WANT_MORE_SOCKS: OK I AM NOW REFRAINING FROM UNSITTING ON HAT.
==>
)(IC: yo i cant deal w this prissy hat chat no more )(IC: public works my ass what a waste of royal gold ChuffedAboutDuds changes status to BOWING.
Years in the future...
Minus several.
Roxy: Examine wizardfic journal.
Roxy: Open to random page.
"i think you were supposed to just tackle him," beatrix said looking all kinds of put off.
Roxy: Jump ahead a little.
herbert and beatrix were dressed in fanciful athletic gear. thats what kids wear when theyre about to embark on a journey to compete in some irrational magic . herbert had tucked under his arm a big stitched up leather ball with golden springs poking out of it for no good god damn reason. it was called a skubbump. beatrix had propped on her shoulder this funnel thing to be worn as a glove called a gimmidge horn, a crucial appendage for any drudsel scooper worth her salt. theyd been selected probably for some valorous deeds they did to represent fort crowsnest in this highly whimsical event. russet was there too, but he didnt get chosen to play in the due to some poorly explained stuff that no reasonable person could possibly care about even if offered loads of cash. he was mainly jacked into the scene to wave goodbye and wish them luck which he begrudgingly did.
Roxy: Skip to the end.
herbert took a swipe at the clumsy yet elusive skubbump. the orb ducked under his arm and shambled on its way like a husky beetle with some stuff to do over there. the crowd of almost-people roared generically at the almost-snatch. the maneuver if successful would have locked the score at 'queen six love' which REALLY would have been just.
Roxy: Doint write whilt dronk.
You decide to take your own advice.
==>
Your home suddenly loses power due to the storm.
Roxy: Answer UU.
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] UU: .......................
Roxy: Look out window.
TG: is there something out here?
==>
TG: when the window has no power
==>
TG: it is like TG: a technicolor dreamcrack TG: in the spooky void UU: .......................
==>
TG: OH MY GOD ITS TWINKLY HERBERT TG: ;D TG: haha what a pal, all comin to see me from infinite nowhere
Roxy: Say hello.
TG: twinkly herb i didnt expect to find u here TG: actually where do i know you from?
==>
UU: - .... . .-. . / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / -... . / .--. .-.. . -. - -.-- / --- ..-. / - .. -- . / - --- / - .- .-.. -.- / ... --- --- -. --..-- / -... ..- - / .-.. . - .----. ... / .--. .-.. . .- ... . / -.- . . .--. / .- / .-.. --- .-- / .--. .-. --- ..-. .. .-.. . / ..-. --- .-. / -. --- .-- TG: (ok fair enough) TG: (this is a dream) TG: (now shit kinda starts making sense) TG: (your soul is like) TG: (presenting itself to my subconscious in the form of twinkly herbert) TG: (or uhh) TG: (maybe your soul was always in twinkly or) TG: (oh man) TG: (theories are hard i am being an embarrassment to science here) TG: (so.....)
==>
TG: (hey wait for me!)
Roxy: Exit room.
TG: (the fuck?)
Roxy: Examine painting.
TG: (hello and what have we here) TG: (.... omigod)
==>
TG: (ohhhhhhhhmygawd) TG: (DAT WIZARD)
==>
TG: (heck yes) TG: (hes so perf) TG: (callie check him out) UU: ..- -- TG: (that aint even a painting) TG: (ahaha its so shitty) TG: (did someone like) TG: (grab a random ass low res wallpaper off the internet) TG: (of a jolly wizard doing what appears 2 be the worlds dumbest spell) TG: (and saved at low quality then just like) TG: (printed it way too huge) TG: (lmao) UU: ---... ..- TG: (its not even scaled proportionately) TG: (its stretched extra wide to fit this expensive as fuck frame) TG: (is that shit like) TG: (literal solid gold) TG: (ahahahahah i cant even deal) TG: (whoever did this was a wonderful genius) UU: -.-- . ... --..-- / -... ..- - / .-- . / .... .- ...- . / - --- / --. --- !
Roxy: Continue.
TG: (booyes) TG: (more choice 'zards) TG: (dont worry i wont stand around fangirling over these ones) TG: (well maybe for a second) TG: (lookit that one) TG: (dude means business with his resplendent beam of pure white superstition) TG: (hey wait) TG: (youre getting away from me!)
==>
UU: - .... .-. --- ..- --. .... / .... . .-. .
Roxy: Turn around.
UU: hello!
==>
UU: on the day he foUnd a way to kill my dream self, i was done for. thoUgh to be honest, i doUbt i'd have fared mUch better regardless.
==>
TG: you sound like a real popular lady out here TG: even you are looking for you!
==>
TG: like what TG: omg are we gonna have to enlist fefeta TG: is fefeta the secret weapon TG: its fefeta isnt it TG: poor, sweet, dear, precious fefeta :( UU: it is not fefeta!!!
==>
TG: but it sounds like we dont have much to pull this off TG: because foes are a comin?
Roxy: Turn around again.
UU: WHAT IS *SHE* DOING HERE???
==>
CALLIOPE: NO NO NO NO NO!
==>
CALLIOPE: NOT THAT IT HASN'T BEEN DELIGHTFUL!
==>
CALLIOPE: OFF WITH YOU, LOVE!
==>
CALLIOPE: SHOO SHOO SHOO SHOO SHOO SHOO!
Roxy: Succumb to powerful anti-sleep majyyks.
You wake up from your almost-family reunion.
Roxy: Examine folder.
Yuck.
Roxy: Inspect briefing.
Oh, wonderful.
==>
The thing she wants you to do is stupid and impossible.
Roxy: Examine door.
Is someone there?
==>
It seems that someone has left you a gift.
Roxy: Examine gift.
It appears to be some gentleman's plain and serviceable computing device.
CD: Do happy umbrella dance.
Yet another perfect crime successfully perpetrated.
Roxy: Pester Dirk.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] TG: stri dizzle TG: its roro L money TG: do u copy over TT: Yes.
==>
TG: um yeah so im on derse...
==>
TG: um TG: k TG: got anything to say...
==>
TT: I'm guessing she's touching base to remind me about the party tomorrow.
==>
TT: So why delay any longer?
==>
TT: But I've had it with you.
==>
EQUIUSPRITE: D --> Hello
Dirk: Fuck it.
DIRK: Fuck it.
[S] Ride.
You spend the next several minutes listening to this beautiful horse song.
Dirk: Solicit profound wisdom from your friendly guide.
ARQUIUSPRITE: Holy ARQUIUSPRITE: I am so ludi%ly STRONG ARQUIUSPRITE: Whoops, pardon my language ARQUIUSPRITE: That there was some straight up dog pottymouth, and I'm chagrined as you had to hear that ARQUIUSPRITE: Dude ARQUIUSPRITE: Check out my muscles ARQUIUSPRITE: Dude, I am ripped. 100k at me fle% these naughty mother ARQUIUSPRITE: Dude ARQUIUSPRITE: E%cuse me, mister dude ARQUIUSPRITE: Check my muscles, 100k how big I can make them ARQUIUSPRITE: Bro are you getting a gander of my truly e%ceptional DIRK: I can see your muscles just fine.
==>
ARQUIUSPRITE: Yes DIRK: No.
Roxy: Pester Jake.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] TG: jakester TG: guess who TG: i cannot say who TG: i am totes undercover here TG: on derse TG: up to my see thru butt in wily espionage
==>
TG: it is getting so cloak and dagger in this bitch u dont even no TG: the carapace men are all wearing jaunty suits TG: its like i have become magically sealed in a lame spy fic and now im havin adventures that make no sense TG: hell even i am dressed 2 kill too bad none of these gents can see what a fuckin fox im being TG: i would get one to light my cigarette so hard, and then wink this whole bunch of times @ him TG: and then seduce him for his secrets !!!!
==>
TG: ooh la la this adventure is steaming up TG: such a racy twist would surely fog up their shiny black shells TG: nah but bangin a chess dude probably aint feasible or even remotely advisable to try TG: i wonder how that would work, i dont even...
==>
TG: i will fix all our shitty friendships single handedly if i got to TG: like savin 3 dumb bawling teens from a burning building TG: and then hose their stupid asses down while the building collapses behind me TG: but enougha that TG: it is not time for feelings it is time for action TG: which means you are just the man for the job TG: the job...
==>
TG: we need to get ready for a battle tomorries TG: a big one TG: some sort of like TG: STRIFE ROYALE TG: so its time 2 prepare TG: u should get to prospit TG: i can explain more when youre there but as long as you havent left yet TG: i think we could use a bunch of new gear too
==>
TG: gear which i think we shall agree must be diagnosed with THE SICKNESS TG: ur years of medical training have all been leading to this moment TG: 2 make sure our showdown shit is ill as heck TG: so maybe TG: you can get started on that?
==>
TG: omfg TG: what is going on TG: why wont anybody talk to me???
==>
TG: no bullshit theres still no excusing ppl ignoring me!
Jake: Answer.
Oh, it looks like Roxy was trying to reach you.
Jake: Ok, answer this guy instead.
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering golgothasTerror [GT] uu: DON'T DO IT.
==>
uu: THROUGH CAREFUL OBSERVATION OF YOUR PARTY.
==>
GT: Now just a minute buddy.
==>
GT: How do i do that?
==>
GT: Sounds straight forward enough.
==>
uu: AND THE IRONY IS.
==>
uu: SOMEWHERE ALONG HIS JOURNEY.
==>
uu: I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.
==>
uu: AND ALL THOSE ALONG THE WAY.
==>
uu: THEY WILL BE PEERING THROUGH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WINDOWS.
==>
uu: INTO MY HIDEOUS SOUL.
Jane: Return home.
You enter the upstairs hallway after completing a successful SADJUMP on to your balcony.
Jane: Reminisce.
Here's this familiar douche bag again.
Jane: Solicit profound wisdom from hallway Cera.
The characteristically tight-lipped HALLWAY CERA unsurprisingly has no advice for you regarding the tragic loss of a family member.
Jane: Give Cera beagle puss.
HOO HOO HOO!
Jane: Enter room.
You return to your room.
Jane: Examine wall Tobias.
Like this.
Jane: Examine wall Swanson.
On the other hand, your WALL SWANSON is still beyond reproach, and Mr.
==>
Aaaand, wouldn't you know it.
Jane: Answer.
golgothasTerror [GT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] GT: Jane are you there?
==>
You close the chat window without a word.
Jane: ...
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering gutsyGumshoe [GG] UU: happy birthday, jane!
Roxy: Pester Jane.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] TG: jane TG: jane TG: jane TG: jane TG: janes 4 ev TG: /take deepest jane yellin breath TG: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOmfg yeah right TG: like there is any chance u answer me TG: with today being international everybody ignore roxy day TG: LEEEEE sigh TG: like TG: doing literally the frenchest of possible sighs over here TG: its wearing a lopsided beret in the city of goddamn light falling in FUCKING love TG: such is my sigh TG: am packing TOTES ennui janey TG: or shd i say.......
==>
TG: so the report is TG: that i already said to some chumps & im getting max fatigued repeatin it TG: im on derse we need to be god tiers and die on slabs n junk TG: + im invisible cause of ring TG: w/e TG: oh TG: i think your dads here and hes probably alright?
==>
TG: like we got all this big deal crap to do and i cant even talk to no one TG: jane TG: ambiguous voidey powers notwithstanding TG: im starting 2 think i might be genetically predisposed to ramblin at length into empty chat clients TG: well TG: hit me up if up see this TG: maybe ill try 2 txt fefeta TG: my dear precious fefeta TG: i know SHE would never ignore me ;3 TG: SWOOOOON + <33333 @ FEFETA, AND THUS MAKING CROCKER SO JELLIES )(IC: yo dont fuck with my heiress )(IC: gurl got royal bidness porpoises to attend )(IC: and do not even T)(INK i dont know you out a jail bitch )(IC: you take a flip thru ma secret jam yet )(IC: dat sparkle shit i left w tha dance clowns on TG: oh noes TG: is the witch TG: .___.
Jane: Alchemize Calliope's juju.
No point standing around sobbing while getting brainwashed by your computer.
==>
You got a GREEN SUCKER, at a cost of negative one unit of ZILLIUM.
Jane: Alchemize Caliborn's juju.
You aren't a big fan of the guy, but since these are supposed to do something special together, you figure what the hell.
==>
You got a RED SUCKER.
Jane: Examine jujus.
Yes, suckers.
==>
The jujus snap together to form a single SPIRAL SUCKER.
==>
It looks so delicious.
[S] ACT 6 ACT 5 ACT 2
OH BOY!!!
==>
JAKE: No jane you are seriously scaring the shit out of me!
==>
ERISOLSPRITE: fuck no.
==>
ERISOLSPRITE: fuck you, fuck my liife, fuck liiterally evverything, fuck fuck fuck.
==>
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering )(er Imperious Condescension TG: batterwitch pls help TG: my friends are completely insane TG: can you throw me back in jail :( )(IC: gurl u made your cocoon )(IC: DWI )(er Imperious Condescension logged the fuck out.
==>
ERISOLSPRITE: 2o uh...
==>
ARQUIUSPRITE: Mister bro, listen to my advice ARQUIUSPRITE: I think you should just go for it ARQUIUSPRITE: This is coming not only from your mystical guide, not only from an alternate version of yourself, but from a dude with a spectacular body ARQUIUSPRITE: We both know you're never going to be happy under ordinary circumstances ARQUIUSPRITE: You just do not have the right kind of think pan to sustain that emotion ARQUIUSPRITE: 100k at me.
==>
ARQUIUSPRITE: You there.
[S] ==>
ARQUIUSPRITE: E%cuse me, you there ARQUIUSPRITE: Unsavory concoction of royalty and peasantry ARQUIUSPRITE: Come grope my humongous biceps ERISOLSPRITE: no bloody wway.
[S] Tricksters: Alchemize.
[S] ==>
You round up an assortment of ordinary household weaponry and begin to recreate a series of legendary weapons from the seven continents of a magical kingdom from cherubim folklore.
==>
Plucked from the revered utensil drawer of none other than the Chieftain of the Trifletoot Clan himself, polished to a gleam in his loincloth by his devoted Abecedarian Buttersquire, Behold.
==>
Each was hand crafted by the seniormost Artillery Hermit of the hallowed Schundermoist Caves, to be mounted in times of peace upon the Royal Burblemonk's personal Placard of Dwib, Lo: THE FLINTLOCKS OF ZILLYHAU
==>
Swashed from the buckles of the rough'n tumble Bellyjape Seamen and offered atop the kingdom's last known wildly occurring pluffy dimplepillow to the resplendent 1st Rumbylumplewiffig of the Horsehorsehorse Administration, I give you -> THE CUTLASS OF ZILLYWAIR
==>
Cast from the most priceless squippyclink ores mined from the famous whooping volcanoes owned and curated by the distinguished Maximillion Hotpocket Puckershuttle Junior, and then packed to the brim with the hilarious traveling Grief Miser's explosive winklepork snuff, *Ta da* THE BLUNDERBUSS OF ZILLYWIGH
==>
A real hard sword for a real hard dude.
==>
Flippety dippety doo bup bup shrubber double floppy mumblescurry noodlescoop pizzabubble pizzabubble mip mip mip mip mip mip.
==>
For good measure, you decide to make ZILLYWAVE and SAWHOO.
Oh, oh!
Are you sure that's really a good idea?
==>
OH FUCK YOU MAKE A BUNCH OF ZILLY SANTAS.
[S] WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
Ok kids I think it's time we moved this along, don't you?
[S] HA HA HA!
God dammit.
GO BACK TO ACT 6 ACT 5 ACT 1.
You return to the safety of ACT 6 ACT 5 ACT 1.
==>
Please don't type in the narrative prompt.
==>
I THINK I'VE BEEN FORCED TO UNLOCK THESE SCREENS.
[S] Caliborn + Gamzee: Engage.
==> ==>
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] TT: Jane.
==> ==>
TT: What happened to the lollipop?
==> ==>
GG: I think it fell into the crypt.
==> ==>
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] GT: Roxy?
==> ==>
TT: Jane, you know, TT: We probably should have talked about this Jake stuff a long time ago.
==> ==>
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] TG: hay janey TG: how u holdin up girl GG: I feel like garbage.
==> ==>
GT: Er roxy while youre at it...
==> ==>
TG: jane jake wants u to pass an apology to dirk for him too GG: What?
==> ==>
TG: cause im a shitty disgrace TG: and hes probably so ashamed of me he can barely stand being inside the same moon w me at this point GG: Why would you think that?
==> ==>
GG: But you weren't in your right state of mind though!
==> ==>
TG: i hardly wasted a second before giving in TG: and here i thought i was actually over that TG: but the second im given the slightest justification to drink again i say fuck it TG: so it turns out i didnt stop wanting to like i told myself TG: but that i still wanted to while pretending i didnt per some bogus tough girl act TG: like i thought i was better than the problem TG: or more like i thought i was too cool and too strong to admit it was actually really hard
==> ==>
TG: but the truth is i was not strong + cool TG: i was weak + lame all along TG: and now dirk knows that too and for some reason letting him down feels like the worst part??
==> ==>
TG: no i dont hate you i promise youre still my bro god dammit!
==> ==>
TG: wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong GT: I dont know.
==> ==>
TG: yeah TG: so not cool lookin back on it TG: and i had no excuse i always knew he was just TG: SUCH a gay dude TG: and i guess maybe hitting on a guy who dont like girls once or twice maybe is alright or even flattering but after so long it was probably just pissing him off or messing with his head or something TG: it def wasnt what he wanted to hear from a friend TG: let alone day in and day out through garbled drunktexts TG: so when i fuckin harassed him into kissin me...
==> ==>
GT: You really love him dont you?
==> ==>
GT: I noticed you nearly slipped that wedding ring on his finger!
==> ==>
TG: easy dude just messin GT: Oh.
==> ==>
GT: Did you need it for something?
==> ==>
GT: Thats not lame thats nice.
==> ==>
GG: Is everything ok?
==> ==>
GG: How long do you think it's been a problem?
==> ==>
GG: But it turned out you couldn't bring her back.
==> ==>
TG: i didnt want her to meet a sloppy embarrassing mess of a daughter TG: even if she did like to drink at some point it was kind of a childish idea that doing so myself would make me closer to her or help us bond or whatever TG: anyway i think i might of overestimated her drinkin habits TG: she sure didnt look like no drunk TG: oh!
==> ==>
GG: The whole place was shaking for a moment there.
==> ==>
GT: Roxy do you know if jane just felt that rumbling too??
==> ==>
TT: Is it still going on?
==> ==>
GG: Doesn't matter.
==> ==>
TT: Have you and Roxy been talking?
==> ==>
GG: She was wondering the same about you.
==> ==>
TT: I'm proud of her.
==> ==>
TT: Remember way back before this started, we were talking.
==> ==>
TT: See, to be perfectly honest, we are a party of losers.
==> ==>
TT: We were all designated for a session that was utterly inert.
==> ==>
TT: It's the feeling that it would make perfect sense if a session like this had a dark horse leader.
==> ==>
TT: So that's how crazy it is for her to think I'm disappointed in her.
==> ==>
TT: Like, settle down and have a couple weirdo goddamn kids with her some day.
==> ==>
GG: I think that would be nice.
==> ==>
GG: Maybe it's worth it?
==> ==>
TT: Tell her that I'm proud of her.
==> ==>
GG: The tremors are back.
==> ==>
TT: That's weird.
==> ==>
JADE: are you jake?
==> ==>
JADE: where are your pants?
==> ==>
JANE: :| JAKE: :o
)(IC: Spring trap x2 combo.
ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5
KARKAT: DAVE ARE YOU THERE
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: COME IN DAVE.
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: THIS IS KARKAT.
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: ANSWER ME YOU JACKOFF.
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: SKAIA IS NOW VISIBLE TO THE NAKED EYE.
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: *SIGH*
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: I DON'T KARKAT: ...
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING PANTS?
[A6I5] ==>
DAVE: my pants DAVE: what are you talking about DAVE: theyre on my legs KARKAT: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU.
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: WELL, WHENEVER SHE WAKES UP, WE ALL NEED TO HAVE A SERIOUS TALK ABOUT THIS.
[A6I5] ==>
DAVE: what do you actually want from her DAVE: do you want her to stop drinking faygo and falling asleep in puddles of red fructose corn slobber DAVE: or do you want her to somehow address the root of those habits and cut all that out for good KARKAT: YES!
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD!
ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 1
HEY.
END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 1
[A6I5] ==>
DAVESPRITE: wake up sleepy head DAVESPRITE: wait why did i even say that DAVESPRITE: stay asleep all you want like i give a fuck
[A6I5] ==>
DAVESPRITE: but you are kind of missing some important shit here DAVESPRITE: we spent three faux relativistic years cruising through the metaphysical asscrack of nowhere DAVESPRITE: and when we finally get here youre all tuckered out DAVESPRITE: like yall didnt sleep enough on this boat already DAVESPRITE: some of the sicknastiest shuteye anyone ever got i owe to this friggin boat DAVESPRITE: dude this is a big deal everyones waiting for us out there DAVESPRITE: i mean...
[A6I5] ==>
DAVESPRITE: i guess she left already?
[A6I5] ==>
DAVESPRITE: i sure do talk to myself a lot dont i DAVESPRITE: wow why have i never made this observation DAVESPRITE: i probably needed to be a bird for exactly three years to finally have that epiphany DAVESPRITE: i wonder if real dave ever had that epiphany DAVESPRITE: probably not cause hes not a bird DAVESPRITE: the bottom line is being a guy whos also a bird makes you think DAVESPRITE: anyway im out
[A6I5] ==>
DAVESPRITE: p.s. happy birthday john DAVESPRITE: have some watermarks for the road
ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 2
I UNLOCKED MORE GNOMES.
END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 2
[A6I5] ==>
MEENAH: ey its the blue buoy again!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Hey, it's John!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Nice to see you again, John.
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: by the way, hi tavros.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: These are my friends, Aradia and Sollux.
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: and what about all those ships up ahead?
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: We've amassed a coalition of eager volunteers ready to lay down their ghost lives for a worthy cause.
[A6I5] ==>
TAVROS: jOHN JUST SAID TROLLS ARE WEIRD, TAVROS: hE SAID IT QUIETLY, bUT i HEARD HIM, JOHN: hey!
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: Actually John, I'm very glad you 8rought this up.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: There were some rough patches in my original telling which I can go 8ack and fix.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: There was a very mysterious alien race called cheru8s!
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: She spent eons roaming her galaxy, completely alone. 8ut the time had come for her to find a m8.
[A6I5] ==>
You see, when a young cheru8 hatches, it would appear that only one creature has 8egun its life. 8ut the appearance is not to 8e trusted.
[A6I5] ==>
One half will prove to have a stronger will than the other.
[A6I5] ==>
So she set out to track his scent, as it were.
[A6I5] ==>
A cheru8 of his alignment is seemingly motiv8ted 8y little other than to conquer and destroy.
[A6I5] ==>
This 8alance of forces allows sta8ility, such that life and new civiliz8tions can 8lossom and thrive within a universe, thus assuring the possi8ility of its own ela8orate procre8tion process. 8ut if that 8alance was ever distur8ed, it would lead to chaos in that 8iosystem.
[A6I5] ==>
Like humans, cheru8s perceive romance through only one quadrant.
[A6I5] ==>
While an adult cheru8 is a fearsome creature, and would 8e a formida8le opponent to anyone in its unaltered st8, this is not the form in which they do 8attle with each other.
[A6I5] ==>
The m8tes will then duel as two vast frightening serpents, each an astronomical unit in length.
[A6I5] ==>
The tangled struggle 8etween the green aus is exceedingly 8rutal and can last for sweeps.
[A6I5] ==>
It should come as no surprise that in this story our heroine was victorious.
[A6I5] ==>
He then slithered away in disgrace from the territory he'd just lost.
[A6I5] ==>
As it happens, our heroine's m8 discovered Earth, long after it had journeyed to a new sun, and long since new civiliz8tions had risen and fallen.
[A6I5] ==>
From that egg hatched one very special cheru8 with two names - one that few will ever know, and one that few should ever say.
[A6I5] ==>
Due to his indomita8le nature, I 8elieve victory over his sister was a foregone conclusion. 8arring a highly impro8a8le glitch in causality, it would 8e almost impossi8le for her to predomin8te over someone like him.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: Hey!!!!!!!!
[A6I5] ==>
MEENAH: girl your stories never end my bladder cant even deal MEENAH: just keep talking while im gone ARANEA: No, that's ok.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: I'm afraid not.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: I think we could all stand to take a 8rief intermission from the story regardless, to let all these intriguing facts a8out cheru8s sink in.
[S][A6I5] BEGIN INTERFISHIN
[A6I5] END OF INTERFISHIN
ARANEA: Anyway, where was I?
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: 8ut as we all know, 8eginnings are not always so easy to pinpoint in paradox space.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: When a cheru8 hatches, the two undeveloped personalities mingle together in the same 8ody.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: As you might expect, the female child was as cheerful and friendly as could 8e.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: She took after her mother in every way.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: And to just as little surprise, the male child was an insuffera8le 8rat.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: It is just as well that cheru8 parents a8andon their offspring.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: Nevertheless, it would seem there were those who tried.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: The children were left with everything a young cheru8 could ever want.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: While the female was preparing for a colla8or8tive approach to the game, the male was plotting furiously against her.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: One day, he put his plan into motion.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: 8ut this game was never meant to 8e played solo.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: He entered what is called a dead session.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: 8ut when he arrived, there was no heroic journey for him to em8ark on.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: With perseverance, he found the final door and unlocked it.
[S][A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: No denizen has ever 8een mistaken for pleasant company. 8ut the self-proclaimed god of all monsters is notoriously inhospita8le to his players.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: It was at this point the real game would 8egin.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: Soon it would 8ecome a very massive solid sphere.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: The resulting explosion is known as the First 8r8k.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: The vast amount of resulting matter then collapses into a 8lack hole.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: It meant that he would only have to conquer twelve planets instead.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: So he must 8ring it to a design8ted loc8tion on the surface.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: He repeats this process for each planet until they are all gone.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: Upon destroying the eighth planet, his true land will reveal itself.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: With each planet he destroys, he will 8e awarded a new leprechaun follower.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: The pro8lem is that when the su8ject of leprechaun romance is 8roached, our overly o8essive troll intellects instantly assume the most ingrati8ting posture of admir8tion imagina8le.
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: WHO???
[A6I5] ==>
TEREZI: H3 4LW4YS KNOWS 3X4CTLY WH4T TO S4Y TO P1SS M3 OFF TEREZI: 3V3RYTH1NG H3 DO3S TEREZI: H1S F4K3 GOD T13R SU1T, H1S SMUG 3XPR3SS1ON, TH3 DUMB4SS W4YS H3 BUTCH3RS H1S S3NT3NC3S TEREZI: S4Y1NG SH1T L1K3 '4LL G3TT1NG UP 4T H1S MOTH3R FUCK1N HONK ON', 444444RGH!
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: AT LAST!
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: I THINK WE ARE MISSING THE POINT HERE.
[A6I5] ==>
TEREZI: D4V3, YOU D1CK!!!
ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 3
WAIT.
END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 3
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Hey guys!
[A6I5] ==>
ARADIA: i dont necessarily share their point of view on the meaning of this endeavor though ARADIA: they consider this to be a great clash between good and evil ARADIA: but i prefer to look at the coming battle as a matter of housekeeping ARADIA: in the end all loops must be tidied up ARADIA: even his JOHN: ok, but what about your friends!
[A6I5] ==>
ARADIA: i think i mostly want to see what happens when this whole place breaks apart
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: oh my god, you are all so insane!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Are you coming or what!
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: Thank you for joining us, John.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: No, not those rings!
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: The rings are said to look nearly identical.
[A6I5] ==>
ARANEA: 8ut I was just a8out to tellmph- VRISKA: Mindfang, I said shut up.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: THAT FUCKING GUY!!!!!!!!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Are you kidding me.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: RAAAAAAAARARRAAUUUUUUUUAAAAUUAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Tavros!!!!!!!!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Don't play dum8 with me.
[A6I5] ==>
TAVROS: i HAD IT, tHEN jOHN HAD IT, TAVROS: aND i WANTED IT BACK, bUT HE WANTED IT ALSO, sO, TAVROS: wE ARGUED WITH OUR HANDS OVER IT, uNTIL HE VANISHED, TAVROS: aND i TRIED TO FIND IT ON THE GROUND, bECAUSE IT WAS PRECIOUS TO ME, fOR A WHILE, VRISKA: Why was it precious to you??
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Where do you think you're going?!
[A6I5] ==>
TAVROS: fLY, pUPA, TAVROS: fLYYYYY, TAVROS: (heheHehE,) TAVROS: (ehHHehehEheH, oH yEs,) TAVROS: (heheHEHEHEhehEhEheh, so clEVEr,) TAVROS: (how i refEreNCed, whaT wEre onCE, scoRNfUl remArKS dIreCtED at me, eheHahAHa!)
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: What??
[A6I5] ==>
SOLLUX: LADIES.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: GOOD RIDD8NCE YOU 8ACKSTA88ING INGR8TES!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: May8e?
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: vriska, i have to be honest. years ago when we first talked, it was a lot of fun to get to know you.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Party's over, folks.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: The treasure's down there.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Not that it would even matter to some people.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: 8y 8eing me.
[A6I5] ==>
KANAYA: Rose You Are Willfully Ignoring My Trail Of Finish Crumbs ROSE: Humm?
[A6I5] ==>
ROSE: Oh,, but you could not be further fromp the truth.
[A6I5] ==>
KANAYA: I Do Not Believe This KANAYA: You Promised Me You Would Be Ready For Our Arrival ROSE: I am ready!
[A6I5] ==>
ROSE: No but, Karkaya.
[A6I5] ==>
ROSE: THE BUBBLES VON SALAMANCER MEMOIRIAL LIBRARAY!!!
[A6I5] ==>
ROSE: Are you going to brek up with me?
[A6I5] ==>
KANAYA: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 4
I NEED MORE ANSWERS.
[S] END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 4
[A6I5] ==>
MEENAH: pst blue guy JOHN: me?
[A6I5] ==>
MEENAH: listfin MEENAH: i have a problem JOHN: what?
[A6I5] ==>
MEENAH: araneas all like MEENAH: learnin to be unscrupulous never thought the girl had it in her MEENAH: makes me so glubbin proud MEENAH: her stories blow hole but i still love listenin MEENAH: dont tell her i said so but MEENAH: i like hearing her so happy like she is just so damn pleased to hear herself yack about dumb shit MEENAH: on the other flipper...
[A6I5] ==>
MEENAH: but the point is blue chump MEENAH: im happy now MEENAH: more than i was on my moon with my sweet gold statues an shit MEENAH: and more than i think ill be if i gotta be alive again and have to go knocking over galaxies or whatever to make a bomb new fishqueen empire MEENAH: but its killin me blue schmuck MEENAH: its killin me to know you got that ring and knowin ill have to take it from ya some day MEENAH: augh why MEENAH: why you have to swim in here and present me with this codawful dilemma MEENAH: why do you have to be so lame and chumpy and such an obvious mark MEENAH: your dork ass face just screams waaaah gimme a fuckin wedgie and take my ring!
[A6I5] ==>
MEENAH: T)(ANK YOU
[S][A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: Will you guys hurry up??
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: so the treasure's in that chest?
[A6I5] ==>
And with Vriska's sassy flourish of dramatic irony, it suddenly becomes evident to anyone with a brain that we aren't going to see what the treasure is for hundreds, if not thousands of pages.
[A6I5] ==>
So why don't we stop wasting everyone's time, shut the lid on this lousy MacGuffin, and be Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer.
[A6I5] Be Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer.
You are now Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer.
[A6I5] VBVS: Do a silly dance.
Oh yes!
[A6I5] VBVS: Retrieve arms from robe.
You retrieve your adorable amphibious arms from your RAG OF DEMONS.
[A6I5] VBVS: Summon undead army.
You beckon a horrifying cadre of skeletal friends.
[A6I5] VBVS: Bonebone!
You declare this loyal follower to be: Bonebone!
[A6I5] VBVS: Shield young amphibious ears from profanity.
VRISKA: OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: THERE!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: AFTER THE GUY USED IT THAT ONE TIME, IT 8ECAME TOTALLY INTANGI8LE!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: SUUUUUUUUCK........
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: IIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: *Huff puff
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: ok, i'm not sure what that crazy outburst was about.
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: i'm not too worried.
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: John, will you get your hand out of there?
[A6I5] ==>
VRISKA: John!!!!!!!!
[A6I5] ==>
MEENAH: dammit
ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 5
I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE.
END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 5
You are now Spades Slick.
[A6I5] SS: Gaze over balcony at horizon.
There was some commotion up here earlier.
[A6I5] SS: Inspect green torso.
Looks like this asshole in the white wig is dead.
[A6I5] SS: Take wand.
You're not gonna take the wand because obviously magic is fake.
[A6I5] SS: Investigate.
This appears to be the murder weapon.
[A6I5] SS: Equip.
You take the GOLDEN CUESTAFF.
[A6I5] SS: Search for English.
Man, how sweet would it be if you could use his own weapon against him when you get your reven...
[A6I5] SS: Interrogate Ms.
Now that you've settled her nerves down, which you haven't actually, you ask her where the guy who did this went.
[A6I5] SS: Inquire about personals.
Personals she says?
[A6I5] SS: Follow.
She says this way.
[A6I5] Ms.
She leads you to one of the mansion's several dozen pantries and retrieves your box of stuff.
[A6I5] SS: Inspect personals.
The hat was a little worse for the wear, but she took it to the tailor to have it repaired.
[A6I5] SS: Take doll.
You knew you decided to hang on to this thing for a reason.
[A6I5] SS: Pull pins.
English has no idea what he's in for.
[A6I5] SS: Command minions.
You tell all these mugs to listen up.
[A6I5] SS: Consult with brains of operation.
You say hey you.
[A6I5] Crowbar: Lead gang back to hideout.
Through here Crowbar says.
[A6I5] SS: Go through 5th wall.
God damn it's hot in here.
[A6I5] SS: Exit this weird little girl's room.
You leave Damara's room and great Caesar's stab wound what is even going on here.
[A6I5] Crowbar: Keep leading the way.
Hold up you say.
[A6I5] SS: After you.
It's obviously down here.
[A6I5] SS: ...
That was not the right door.
[A6I5] SS: Never mind.
Just take us to the exit, Crowbar.
[A6I5] Crowbar: Proceed.
You lead the mob through a few more of these weird skinny panels.
[A6I5] Crowbar: Show Slick exit.
So this is it huh you say.
[A6I5] SS: Punch clock.
There.
[A6I5] SS: Wasn't there a guy with an oven?
Where's the guy with the oven.
[A6I5] SS: Everybody in.
EVERYONE IN THE OVEN!
[A6I5] SS: Take oven.
You pick up the 13 OF STARS card.
[A6I5] SS: Wait, before you go...
Perfect.
[A6I5] ==>
What the shit.
[A6I5] ==>
THIS was their secret escape hatch?!
[A6I5] ==>
Hang on a minute.
[A6I5] ==>
You don't need a fancy robotic eye to tell you what that is.
[A6I5] ==>
It's the fucking JACKPOT.
ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 6
I DID IT!
END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5 INTERMISSION 6
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: does this mean...
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: we're here?
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: hello???
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: jaspers???
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: ... regular dave?
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: where IS everyone?
[A6I5] ==>
JOHN: this sucks.
[A6I5] ==>
You chance upon the SLAB OF THE JADED FOOL'S ENNUI.
[A6I5] ==>
DAVE: so DAVE: has anyone figured out how were actually gonna stop this meteor DAVE: or was three years not enough time to solve that problem KARKAT: NO, WE HAVEN'T.
[A6I5] ==>
KARKAT: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
[A6I5] ==>
DAVE: dude did you just bark KARKAT: WHAT?
[A6I5] ==>
JADE: hey guys
[A6I5] ==>
JADE: long time no see
END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5
HOMOSUCK.
A YOUNG MALE HOMO SAPIEN IS TRAPPED IN HIS ROOM.
HERE IS WHAT REALLY MATTERS.
A YOUNG MALE CHERUB HAS ACHIEVED TOTAL DOMINATION OVER HIS QUEST.
THEN HE STARTED CLIMBING THE GOD TIERS.
SEE?
WITH EACH GOD TIER HE CLIMBED.
HE GOT A NEW ACHIEVEMENT BADGE SEWN ON TO HIS KIDDIE CAMPER HANDYSASH.
BUT THERE WAS ONE BADGE HE GOT.
THAT WAS NOT A PITIFUL WASTE OF HIS TIME.
I DOUBT IT.
ALL I HAVE TO DO.
MALE: EXAMINE ROOM.
YOU EXAMINE YOUR SHITTY ROOM.
MALE: DO SOME STUFF.
YOU FUCK AROUND HEARTILY.
MALE: GO OPEN THAT CHEST.
AND I TELL MY PUPPET WHAT TO DO.
MALE: HIDE INSIDE CHEST.
BEEP BEEP BEEP.
MALE: GO OVER THERE.
OK, YOU GO OVER THERE.
MALE: DO A DANCE ON THE SHAPE.
YOU GET ON THE SHAPE AND I MAKE YOU DO A DANCE.
IT IS HAPPENING AT YOUR EXPENSE!
THIS WAY.
THIS IS JUST A CLEVER TRICK THOUGH.
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS.
MALE: EXERCISE FREEDOM TO LEAVE ROOM.
THE LUCKY MALE IS OBLIVIOUS TO HIS PRIVILEGE.
MALE: LEAVE BUILDING.
IT TURNS OUT THE MALE CAN LEAVE AFTER ALL.
MALE: BOGGLE VACANTLY AT THESE SHENANIGANS.
IT BEGINS TO DAWN ON YOU.
I AM ALMOST CERTAIN CHERUB SHAKESPEARE SAID THAT.
IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE THOUGH.
ANYWAY, BACK TO THE STORY.
AFTER AN ENDLESS PARADE OF UNAMUSING AND INCONSEQUENTIAL EVENTS.
MALE: GET MURDERED BY EXPLOSION.
YOU (HE) ARE THOROUGHLY MURDERED BY THE EXPLOSION.
CONFIRM THE KILL.
YOU (I) PRODUCE PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF THE SLAUGHTERED MALE BODY.
THE END.
THIS CONCLUDES THE FIRST THING OF THE STORY.
VILLAINOUS LAUGHTER: HAPPEN.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. oh. whoops.
what was that.
hold on. brb.
==>
WHAT IS ALL THIS SHIT.
==>
WHO IS THIS EXTRAVAGANT BITCH.
==>
OH *HELLLLLLLLLLL* NO.
==>
I AM NO EXPERT ON MICRO CHIPS.
[S] ACT 6 ACT 6 INTERMISSION 1
[A6A6I1] ====>
The cool Flash animation is unexpectedly cut short due a critical stardust clog.
[A6A6I1] ====>
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] TG: hey CG: WHAT.
[A6A6I1] ====>
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] TG: so are you just as brain damaged as we are GA: Whos We TG: me and karkat GA: Of Course Not GA: But If Youre Referring To The Short Term Memory Loss We All Seem To Be Experiencing Yes Ive Got That Too TG: ok TG: so you have no idea how you got to lofaf then GA: How Do You Know Im On Lofaf TG: im talking to karkat GA: I Didnt Think Karkat Could Remember The Acronyms For Your Planets TG: yeah but i dont think thats the memory loss issue thats just him being an idiot TG: but lets not get into that GA: Okay TG: wheres rose GA: Shes Apparently On Lolar TG: oh TG: what about terezi GA: Shes With Rose TG: do they remember what happened GA: No GA: But It Seems Theyve Both Surmised The Missing Events Since We Arrived TG: what TG: how GA: Well They Are Seers After All TG: friggin seers TG: all makin us knights look bad TG: and whatever you are TG: what were you again GA: Im A Sylph!!!
[A6A6I1] ====>
John Egbert has gone missing.
[A6A6I1] ====>
The thing zooms into the circle representing Derse and suddenly a character select screen explodes into action.
[A6A6I1] ====>
It appears the current path is too corrupted to continue.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: woof
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROXY: yo did you just woof JADE: yes i just woofed ROXY: i see ROXY: but u can also talk in person language it would seem JADE: yes i can talk in person language ROXY: so why dont you say person things instead of woofs JADE: oh dont worry...
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: we have many person things to discuss ROXY: (lmao)
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: excuse me but did you just "laugh your ass off" at me under your breath ROXY: ummm ROXY: yea ROXY: maybe JADE: :| JADE: i fail to see what is so amusing ROXY: u do ROXY: seriously?
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: SILENCE!!!!!!
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROXY: ok i opened it ROXY: hey look its the same shit as before ROXY: im supposed to make this weird knobbly spike ball appear out of nothin JADE: yes ROXY: ok got it ROXY: let me give it a shot then ROXY: ...
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROXY: blehhhh ROXY: fine ROXY: why u gotta be so awful jade ROXY: really putting a cramp on us makin choice new friends w each other ROXY: oh well here goes ROXY: all twiddlin my fingers and such ROXY: busting out tha MAJYYXXX!
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROXY: this is not a space egg JADE: no, its not ROXY: balls ROXY: guess i effed up my void spell ROXY: what is this thing JADE: thats a perfectly generic object ROXY: its perfectly generic?
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROXY: well at least i know i can make a whole lot of these boring cubes if all else fails ROXY: hey maybe ill build a sick fort outta them ROXY: hehehe jade tell me that wouldnt be so baller JADE: it would be fairly baller ROXY: fyeah JADE: keep trying for that orb though JADE: i will return in a while to review your progress JADE: and remember, dont get any funny ideas ROXY: but p much all my ideas are funny JADE: i mean dont try to escape!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: i am still trying to locate my brother JADE: but im having trouble picking up his scent JADE: hes using his windy powers to obscure the trail and its giving me fits ROXY: windy powers eh ROXY: who is your bro?
[A6A6I1] ====>
You return to the character select screen upon having completed one of the above arcs.
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: so weird being back here DAVE: cant believe how long ago it feels since i lived in this place DAVE: spent way too long wallowing in our own filth on that gnarly meteor thats for sure DAVE: this doesnt even seem like my room anymore DAVE: its like trespassing or something like im horning in on somebody elses life DAVE: a life lived most sweetly though i will admit DAVE: ahahaha the fuckin toilets still there DAVE: i remember when jade put that there that is perhaps like my favorite memory DAVE: wish jade wasnt crazy just makes me remember how much i miss not crazy jade DAVE: or less crazy jade DAVE: wait DAVE: didnt karkat once say terezi ripped a troll toilet out of his house DAVE: what is with girls and their universally constant tendency to rip out plumbing fixtures DAVE: did i just accidentally crack another cosmic riddle or DAVE: i gotta txt him and get confirmation on this asap DAVE: actually nah DAVE: i probably harangued the poor guy with enough of my bs the last few years DAVE: ill just keep shufflin thru memory lane making wistful observations out loud DAVE: you know it kinda chaps my bulge that people rip on me for talking to myself DAVE: its like the most perfectly natural thing to do DAVE: why are people so up tight about keepin a lid on their monologues what a bunch of stuffy pricks DAVE: ive always found the sound of my own voice to be mysteriously soothing DAVE: haha talk about an embarrassing sentence to say in earshot of an actual person DAVE: well maybe not the mayor DAVE: you can always tell the mayor anything <3
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: hahaha this piece of shit is still here too DAVE: didnt we use this thing like ONCE DAVE: what a useless pile of trash in hindsight DAVE: sometimes i think this game was designed by an idiot DAVE: wasnt it called like DAVE: the laserbeam intellivision or something DAVE: id throw it in the lava but that would be a waste of melting
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: oh yeah DAVE: almost forgot about my ill beats from the past DAVE: i wonder if theyre as ill as i remember DAVE: ok i just pushed some buttons and verified they remain as ill as the day they were dropped DAVE: ill have to send them to karkat he has always been an enthusiastic patron of my exceptional science DAVE: i mean sure he says it sucks and maybe he even believes that on some pathetic sub intellectual plane of consciousness which gross philistines operate on their whole lives DAVE: but whenever he gets a load of my hype DAVE: i see him there DAVE: tapping his foot ever so slightly DAVE: i see him
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: this poster...
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: aw hell its my old dead things collection DAVE: what a stupid blast from the past DAVE: i seriously cannot remember if i was sincere with this shit DAVE: i was probably trying to flex my underdeveloped irony muscles DAVE: like the shrimpiest kid at the hipster gym DAVE: why does my childhood room have to be such a predictable museum of embarrassments DAVE: i dont know DAVE: some of these things are kind of cool actually DAVE: like from a standpoint of objective reevaluation afforded by the sobering maturity that comes with being literally 100% grown up now DAVE: dead things are actually pretty rad DAVE: i feel like if i was legitmately into all this then more should have come of the interest DAVE: like there could have been like DAVE: entire CONVERSATIONS about it that never even took place DAVE: hey rose youll never guess what im excited about and have loads of dialogue to spill over DAVE: whats that dave DAVE: ancient mollusks DAVE: hmmmmmmmm said rose DAVE: how many bananas do you think this paw clutched back when it was alive and attached to a monkey DAVE: dave i really must say DAVE: this conversation blows DAVE: yeah sorry DAVE: maybe i could have really developed this interest DAVE: maybe i could have been something cool as a result DAVE: like what even profession is this DAVE: a dead shit ogler?
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: eurgh DAVE: the ironic selfies DAVE: oh god DAVE: now this DAVE: this is some irredeemably mortifying shit here DAVE: what was i thinking DAVE: i dont know man DAVE: i just dont know DAVE: this is what seasoned veterans call "bad irony" DAVE: look at this guy DAVE: what a fucking novice
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: oh who am i kidding DAVE: i cant stay mad at that face
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: ok this one is pretty funny actually DAVE: ...
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: hehehehe
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: haha!
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: YOU WIN!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: hi dave!
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: whoa DAVE: john JOHN: what were you looking at there...
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: no dont DAVE: john no stop turning into wind you fickle idiot DAVE: dont just leave right away that is such an insanely predictable move DAVE: i said get back here you slippery motherfucker!!!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: hello dave DAVE: god dammit
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: he was just here wasnt he DAVE: no JADE: how do you even know who im talking about??
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: where JADE: out here JADE: we have some work to do
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: what work JADE: youre going to need to upgrade your weapon DAVE: what DAVE: you mean the deringer JADE: yes DAVE: i thought it was like the best possible sword DAVE: or at least the best possible broken sword JADE: that may very well be the case JADE: but it will be useless against lord english JADE: wouldnt you prefer a weapon that is capable of inflicting damage against him?
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: how do we make it so it can damage him JADE: it needs a special ingredient JADE: something which represents his only known weakness, but hasnt been properly weaponized DAVE: and you know what that is JADE: i do DAVE: how JADE: i get all my intelligence on such matters from the old lady JADE: shes had centuries to hatch a plan to settle her score JADE: over time shes uncovered many secrets about him DAVE: i dont understand how this is working DAVE: is she piping all these secrets into your brain DAVE: along with the evil JADE: that is not relevant!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: remember this?
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: oh no DAVE: not the legendary piece of shit again JADE: pardon?
[A6A6I1] ====>
KARKAT: WHAT'S THAT.
[A6A6I1] ====>
KARKAT: THAT'S EARTH??
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: it wont be earth for much longer JADE: it will be home to the new empire JADE: i will deliver it to the universe we create JADE: or i should say the one YOU create JADE: if you are obedient and complete the tasks you are assigned, you may have a place in the empire among the subservient classes KARKAT: BRRRRRR!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: i would be careful about the slurs you bandy about, particularly those targeting my canine qualities which i am sensitive about and therefore find to be really really mean JADE: you should be aware that i have already threatened to kill some people today so watch your step mister KARKAT: GROAN KARKAT: SORRY JADE, BUT YOU SOUND ABOUT AS THREATENING AS SOME MILD FLATULENCE I ONCE HAD JADE: its true though i am very threatening JADE: and this girl right here?
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: you dont?
[A6A6I1] ====>
JANE: SUBMIT.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: *deep breath
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: GOTCHA!!!!!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: john stop that
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: whew!!!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: oh man, here i go again...
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: EEEEEEGBEEEERRRRRRRRT!!!!!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Euurgh.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Why does Lolar have to be so bright?
[A6A6I1] ====>
TEREZI: 3UURGH
[A6A6I1] ====>
TEREZI: WHY DO MY 3Y3S H4V3 TO WORK SO W3LL?
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: I take it you are still detoxing from your overdose of appalling harlequin nectar?
[A6A6I1] ====>
TEREZI: 4RGH NO, TH4T SOUNDS SO TOT4LLY 1RON1C!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: hi rose!
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Thanks, John.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: i dunno.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Tell her...
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: I don't know.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: JOHN, WAIT!
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: COME BACK!
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: COME BACK!
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: I thought of something to tell her.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Dammit!
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Uhnf!
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Where did my velvet pillow go?
[A6A6I1] ====>
TEREZI: GRRRRRRR
[A6A6I1] ====>
DIRK: Hey.
[A6A6I1] ====>
DIRK: I've tried to get in touch with others to no avail.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ARQUIUSPRITE: Oh, nothing much ARQUIUSPRITE: Just enjoying the good life ARQUIUSPRITE: One which quite lu%uriously involves both having a corporeal body, and not being dead ARQUIUSPRITE: I have been delighting myself with some truly kickbottom internal monodialogues ARQUIUSPRITE: Did you know that, even though technically I knew this already, I find myself astounded to meditate upon the fact that human beings are capable of lactation?
[A6A6I1] ====>
ARQUIUSPRITE: But why, lord bro ARQUIUSPRITE: I was just about to pony up the boob fa% ARQUIUSPRITE: There is a 100% probability that you would have been thrilled to hear my e%egesis on troll knockers DIRK: It might have been an interesting subject to talk about another time, with a different person.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ARQUIUSPRITE: Didn't I mention, master dogg ARQUIUSPRITE: Our mutual bro is here ARQUIUSPRITE: That is, right here ARQUIUSPRITE: With me ARQUIUSPRITE: We are kind of in the process of chilling together at the moment DIRK: No, you didn't mention that actually.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: her imperious condescension has duly noted your ridiculous tantrum JADE: now take your welsh sword DAVE: why JADE: since you have obviously been identified as the one who must deal english his fatal blow we will need to make sure you are battle ready JADE: and you do not seem very battle ready to me dave JADE: show me what you can do DAVE: wait since when could you use a sword DAVE: also DAVE: whats up with that dumb sword JADE: i will not hear another word of such appalling slander about this fine weapon JADE: its colorful and its silly and its a sword JADE: end of story JADE: as for why i can wield it, i surpassed the need for a strife specibus quite some time ago DAVE: how JADE: havent you climbed any more god tiers over the last few years?
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: why not?
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: im serious DAVE: the thing is DAVE: being a time guy DAVE: like actually MASTERING time travel DAVE: im pretty sure what that involves is DAVE: learning to never use it DAVE: see its like karate DAVE: well DAVE: its more like what they SAY about karate DAVE: that you learn it so you dont use it DAVE: but i mean we all know the truth about karate is if you know karate then obviously in reality you use it all the time DAVE: like doing lethal fuckin crane kicks and sweet karate chops while walking down the street just cause you can DAVE: its a god damn no brainer thats what you do with karate DAVE: but see with time travel DAVE: all the stuff about learning it so you dont have to use it is true DAVE: theres no good that can come of it DAVE: you can crunch the logic on the loops all you want DAVE: but all youre doing is painting yourself into a corner DAVE: creating inevitabilities you have to rehearse and enact or face death for yourself or everyone you know DAVE: and sometimes facing death is the very inevitability you have to rehearse DAVE: and then you wait and wait knowing its coming and knowing it has to happen DAVE: how do you think it made me feel when we were gathering up all those frogs DAVE: and i knew the whole time in a little while you would have to watch me get shot DAVE: but i couldnt say anything or it would mess it all up DAVE: all cause i thought it would be cool to be marty mcfuckin fly DAVE: but instead of shredding johnny b goode on guitar to get my parents to bang DAVE: my crowning performance was doing a funny dance while getting pumped full of lead JADE: ......
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: jeez you sure have some issues JADE: honestly it has become very tiresome listening to this sort of thing JADE: i thought davesprite had problems JADE: his issues i could kind of understand JADE: i thought you might be different, being the alpha dave and all JADE: but no JADE: you might be even more messed up inside than he was!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: dave, i did my best to put all this behind me a long time ago JADE: i did not come here to dredge up any of this drama with you JADE: besides, such behavior is unbecoming of her condescensions loyal subordinates JADE: you can be stubborn all you want, but i will force you to comply with her wishes one way or another JADE: it will be quite easy actually JADE: all i have to do is target the people you care about most DAVE: hey DAVE: what are you doing DAVE: dont you dare touch the mayor JADE: he is a very cute mayor JADE: it therefore pains me to have to do this DAVE: GET AWAY FROM HIM!
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: GOT YOU
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: i got you i got you i got you i got you DAVE: im not letting go no never again never again i got you mayor DAVE: never never never again its ok everything will be ok i have you youre safe and sound now its all going to be alright
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: its ok i wont let her hurt you mayor no no no never never never never never again DAVE: youre fine now youre ok that was close so close but im here mayor im here for you and im not letting go i promise DAVE: when this is all over lets run away together just you and me and we can build can town a REAL can town and well live there together alone all by ourselves and forget this nightmare ever happened DAVE: everythings going to be fine mayor itll all be ok shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shooooooooooooooooooooooooosh
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: why is being a bad guy SO HARD?
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: hang on man ive got to take this DAVE: wonder who this could be DAVE: mayor ill be just a second with this i promise
[A6A6I1] ====>
KANAYA: Why Would You Do That!
[A6A6I1] ====>
KANAYA: Wait KANAYA: You Can Talk KANAYA: Using Actual Sentences JANE: Obviously.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JADE: see look, one of your time doubles is surely predestined to come from a few minutes in the future and appear behind me for a surprise attack, riiiight about...
[A6A6I1] ====>
DAVE: im serious DAVE: the thing is DAVE: being a time guy DAVE: like actually MASTERING time travel DAVE: im pretty sure what that involves is DAVE: learning to never use it DAVE: see its like karate DAVE: well DAVE: its more like what they SAY about karate DAVE: that you learn it so you dont use it DAVE: but i mean we all know the truth about karate is if you know karate then obviously in reality you use it all the time DAVE: like doing lethal fuckin crane kicks and sweet karate chops while walking down the street just cause you can DAVE: its a god damn no brainer...
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: TEREZI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Alright, then.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: What exactly are we supposed to be doing here?
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Why did she group the two seers together?
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: Why am I talking to myself?
[A6A6I1] ====>
tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] TT: So.
[A6A6I1] ====>
GA: What Problem TT: The one pertaining to my substance abuse.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROSE: TEREZI, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
[A6A6I1] ====>
TEREZI: CLOWN HUNT1NG
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: (uh oh.)
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: (hey!)
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: (what the hell??)
[A6A6I1] ====>
It still keeps happening.
[A6A6I1] ====>
You come to the sobering realization that things will never stop from keep happening constantly.
[A6A6I1] ====>
And you can't take it anymore.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: stop fooling around and go find roxy, you dumb goof!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: who's roxy?
[A6A6I1] ====>
JANE: It is just you and I now, Jake.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JAKE: Jane can you please tell me what in the sam hill is going on?
[A6A6I1] ====>
JAKE: But jane i...
[A6A6I1] ====>
JANE: Listen carefully, prisoner.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JAKE: (Brain ghost dirk!)
[A6A6I1] ====>
JANE: Pull yourself together, Jake.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JANE: You're lucky you're so hot.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: hello?
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: don't worry, i am not a villain.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROXY: hay look ROXY: its jake stuffed in a blue windsock ROXY: heheheh JOHN: huh?
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROXY: anyway ROXY: i thought you were going to regale me with stories of your ascent through the windsock tiers ROXY: such that i may through osmosis glean the vagaries of godhood ROXY: then all i got to do is wait for this rude tidal wave of epiphanies n junk to wash over me and get me hella wise ROXY: then and only then ROXY: i will b able to make this shitty egg happen ROXY: k?
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meteor.
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah DUEL WITH JACK NOIR!
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: so that's...
[A6A6I1] ====>
JOHN: your mom?
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROXY: how JOHN: easy.
[A6A6I1] ====>
ROXY: aw yiss
[A6A6I1] ====>
John Egbert's ring has gone missing.
[A6A6I1] ====>
WE ARE ALL COMPLETELY BLOWN AWAY BY THIS STUNNING REVELATION.
[A6A6I1] ====>
IT'S NOT THAT INTERESTING.
ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 2
WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR FAVORITE WEB SERIES.
BE A DIFFERENT MALE.
THE LAST TIME THAT THINGS HAPPENED.
HE HAS EXCEPTIONAL TASTE IN PUPPETS.
YESSSSSSSSSSS.
ALPHA MALE: CALL FOR BACKUP.
NORMALLY.
SEND IN THE BITCHES.
THE ALPHA MALE WHISTLES FOR HIS BITCHES.
ACTUALLY.
THESE TWO DELECTABLE FLOOZIES WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP UNTIL A LOT LATER.
ALPHA MALE: BEGIN GAME.
YOU AND YOUR COMELY HAREM OF HOOCHIE MAMAS CUT TO THE FUCKING CHASE.
DISREGARD THE UNIMPORTANT MALE GHOST BEHIND THE CURTAIN.
HE WILL NOT BE A PART OF THIS STORY.
LET'S CONTINUE.
THE ALPHA MALE DOES THE REQUISITE THINGS WITH THE STUFF.
ALPHA MALE: GO OUTSIDE.
THE ALPHA MALE AND HIS TRUSTY BITCH PARADE PROCEED TO THE ROOF.
ALPHA MALE: BE ON ROOF.
YOU SUCCESSFULLY BE ON THE ROOF.
I DON'T RECALL WHAT HIS LAND WAS THOUGH.
SOMETHING WITH LAVA I THINK?
ALPHA MALE: WHISTLE FOR STALLIONS.
YOU BECKON A FLOCK OF NOBLE MOUNTS.
STALLIONS: DESCEND.
THE ALPHA MALE'S REIGN OF ADVENTURE BEGINS HERE.
MOUNT STEEDS.
ALL MEMBERS OF YOUR PARTY SIT ON THEIR MAJESTIC BEASTS OF BURDEN.
STEEDS: RIDE.
THEY'RE OFF!
THE ALPHA MALE IS ACCOSTED BY A PACK OF WILD FOES.
RAUCOUS MELEE IS IMMINENT.
ALPHA MALE: RECEIVE BOON FROM YOUR CREATOR.
I GIVE THE MALE A MYSTERIOUS CHEST.
OPEN CHEST.
YOU OPEN THE CHEST.
WITH YOUR TRUSTY SMUT.
YOUR FILTHY HUMAN PORNOGRAPHY.
STRIKE THE WITCH.
YOU DEAL A CRITICAL HIT TO THE HORRIBLE WITCH.
YOUR NOBLE MOUNT ABSORBS MOST OF THE DAMAGE THOUGH.
THE HORSE HAS BEEN SLAIN.
THE WITCH ALSO DIES FROM HER INJURIES.
SHE DROPS.
AS A RESULT OF ALL THAT.
ALL YOUR FOES HAVE BEEN DEFEATED.
ALPHA MALE: RECEIVE SPOILS.
THE MALE SHEATHS HIS SWORD ON THE FLOOR.
STORY RECTANGLE: ZOOM IN ON RAUNCHY SEDUCTION.
IT SEEMS THE ALPHA MALE HAS BEEN SLAIN.
THIS OBVIOUSLY WILL NOT DO.
TIME TRAVEL KEEPS HAPPENING!
THE MALE IS BEING VERY RECKLESS WITH HIS LOOPS.
THE DUDE PILE.
IT CAUSES EVERYONE TO COMPLETELY FORGET.
THAT'S THE END OF HOMOSUCK.
CHAPTER TWO.
THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY STORY.
BE SURE TO CLICK THROUGH THE FOLLOWING PAGES AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
ACT 6 ACT 6 INTERMISSION 2
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Rise, my 8ard.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: "Rise, my 8ard?"
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Aranea, if you want people to start taking you seriously, your chilling repartee is going to need some work.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Now, loyal minstrel.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: OOF!
[S][A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Just gr8.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Shello?
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Now then.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: I guess it's a risk.
[A6A6I2] ====>
GAMZEE: MOTHER FUCK WHO'S ALL THIS FRESH PIMP RYDA I GOT MY WICKED PEEP ON FOR SUDDENLY?
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: No.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Oh, wow.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Anyway, I have wasted enough time dithering around with fools.
[A6A6I2] ====>
MEENAH: nubs mcshouty MEENAH: come in shouty MEENAH: do you read me KARKAT: WHAT?
[A6A6I2] ====>
MEENAH: shouty is that you KARKAT: YEAH.
[A6A6I2] ====>
MEENAH: we got a whale of a problem here
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: Crocker to Harley.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: We potentially have a problem here that is rather significant in size.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JAKE: Zzzzzz.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JAKE: Ooh neytiri...
[A6A6I2] ====>
JAKE: Whats that neytiri?
[A6A6I2] ====>
JAKE: BWUH???
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Greetings, Jake.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: I am here to shorten that journey for you.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: There are many o8stacles within that are preventing you from accessing your true potential.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: I can repair it all for you, Jake.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: I can heal your mind.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: I can heal your soul.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: What's the matter?!
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: I'm sorry!
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: I'm still going to heal you though.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: It is nothing personal.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Your power is too important to my plan!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: who took my ship??
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: do you think we should ask the condesce what to do?
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: something is happening...
[A6A6I2] ====>
ROXY: SHAZAM!
[A6A6I2] ====>
ROXY: yeah i think ima stay invisible a while
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARQUIUSPRITE: My god...
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARQUIUSPRITE: The power...
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARQUIUSPRITE: It's...
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARQUIUSPRITE: IT IS E%CEEDING A CERTAIN AMOUNT IN QUANTITY
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: JAKE.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: I don't think he can hear you right now.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Just some no8ody.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: Harley.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: sorry jake you heard the lady JADE: youre making a royal mess of the place JADE: so im gonna have to zap you to the furthest ring!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: what JADE: what the...
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: why cant i zap you away!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: grrr!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: What's the hold up?
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Well?
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: alright jake JADE: you win JADE: if i cant zap you out of here then i have no choice but to let you stay JADE: but i cant allow you to keep trashing the old ladys property JADE: so ill just swap the planets instead!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: dont you remember when we used to be pen pals jake?
[A6A6I2] ====>
KARKAT: DAVE KARKAT: COME IN DAVE.
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: what?
[A6A6I2] ====>
KARKAT: I SAID WE MAY HAVE A REALLY BIG FUCKING PROBLEM OVER HERE!!!!!!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: oh my god JADE: stop powering up already!!!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: you call that powering up?
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: RRRR!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: wait a minute...
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: why did i decide to swap derse with MY planet?
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: no...
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: impossible!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: how can the power of hope be so...
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: POWERFUL????????????????????
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: rrrg JADE: no JADE: NO!!!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: dont you realize who youre DEALING with?
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: ooooof
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: JAKE.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Again, I am very sorry.
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: alright mayor DAVE: ive got to go now DAVE: not sure why but DAVE: i have a really bad feeling about all this DAVE: i mean DAVE: i dont wanna scare you or come off as too dramatic or anything DAVE: but DAVE: if i never see you again i just wanted you to know DAVE: its been real man DAVE: you were always there for me DAVE: you shared my darkest hours DAVE: my deepest secrets DAVE: and ill never fucking forget it DAVE: goodbye mayor
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: i love you
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: rose come in rose do you read me over ROSE: Yes?
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: theres problems ROSE: Then let us bounce.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: First of all.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: You've got some nerve.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: I will return shortly to annihilate you.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Roxy.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: I know you are there.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: (Mumble mumble hag mumble suck it grumble.)
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: (Mumble mutter my egregious patootie.)
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: You might as well come out of hiding so I can see you.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Who am I, you ask?
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: That was quite the 8lack solicit8tion though.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Pleasant dreams.
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: hUff.
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: this is it then, is it?
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: have they all forgotten aboUt me?
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: :u CALLIOPE: what's this now?
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: hello?
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: what's happening?
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: shoot, are those footsteps?
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: whoever is there...
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: its ok i wont hurt you. im a friend!
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: jade?
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME YOU SHITFUCKING SHITFUCKER AUGH FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK FUCK.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME THIS TIME YOU DETESTABLE POO ROGERING CHARLATAN.
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: uh DAVE: what
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: oh no
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: ohhhhh noooooooooooooo
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: shit shit shit shit shit
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: gamzee what happened here DAVE: did you see what happened DAVE: not gonna answer me huh DAVE: youre just gonna keep manhandling johns evil mom and not tell me what jades doing under this house DAVE: sweet jesus youre an awful dude
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Where did you come from?
[A6A6I2] ====>
DIRK: I am Brain Ghost Dirk.
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: H11111Y4444!
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: terezi do you know whats going on here DAVE: do you know what happened to jade DAVE: and where the hell is karkat DAVE: is he ok DAVE: terezi DAVE: terezi DAVE: ok she looks pretty serious about stabbing that clown DAVE: i can respect that DAVE: what about you DAVE: hey DAVE: hey johns hot mom did you see what happened DAVE: shit i mean DAVE: johns evil mom DAVE: did you happen to...
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: D1D YOU R34LLY B3L13V3 YOU COULD RUN FROM M3 FOR3V3R, M4K4R4?
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: H3R...
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: 1TS H3R TEREZI: SH3S H3R3!
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: JUST1C3 K1CK!!!!!!!
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Those were some nice moves.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: 8ut I really don't mind that you know my secret.
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: Y4!!!
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: 1 S41D F1GHT B4CK!
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: 1 S41D W1P3 TH4T GR1N OFF YOUR F4C3 TEREZI: OR 1 W1LL P33L 1T OFF YOUR SKULL!!!
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU TH1NK YOUR3 LOOK1NG 4T?
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: Observing this tomfoolery for several minutes has been time well spent.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: Son of a dick.
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: i said put her down!
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: ok listen DAVE: jack and uh DAVE: taller white jack DAVE: clearly you are very loyal to jades corpse or whatever DAVE: but you arent gonna help her by swiping the torso and growling at me like a pair of mangy assholes DAVE: please DAVE: just put her down DAVE: look i got treats!
[A6A6I2] ====>
CALLIOPE: do yoU remember anything yet?
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: i wish i could tell you JADE: but im still drawing a blank on everything!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JADE: callie...
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: NO, YOU IDIOT!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: Oh, you idiots.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: Fine.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: You leave me with no alternative.
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: No, come back!
[A6A6I2] ====>
DAVE: thats all i need to know DAVE: wait here DAVE: and whatever you do DAVE: dont die ok
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: Hot mom?
[A6A6I2] ====>
ROSE: DAVE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[A6A6I2] ====>
KARKAT: KANAYA WAIT UP!
[A6A6I2] ====>
KARKAT: DAVE?
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Dirk, how long did you want our standoff to last?
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Really, you would 8e doing me a favor 8y taking my arm.
[A6A6I2] ====>
DIRK: I'm not going to cut off your arm.
[A6A6I2] ====>
DIRK: If I can't get the ring off your finger,
[A6A6I2] ====>
DIRK: I'll rip the soul out of your body.
[A6A6I2] ====>
VRISKA: To 8e honest, I don't even want to hear any more.
[A6A6I2] ====>
MEENAH: you sure VRISKA: It's em8arrassing!
[A6A6I2] ====>
VRISKA: Anyway, I have no idea what to do now.
[A6A6I2] ====>
DIRK: JAKE, YOUR HOPE FIELD IS DISSIPATING!
[A6A6I2] ====>
DIRK: GET HER THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
[A6A6I2] ====>
ROSE: Gotcha.
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: WHY WONT YOU F1GHT B4CK?!
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: WHY WONT YOU S4Y SOM3TH1NG??!!
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: WHY WONT YOU D13???!!!!
[A6A6I2] ====>
JANE: Forgive me, Jake.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Good GRIEF, that was painful.
[A6A6I2] ====>
GAMZEE: TeReZi...
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: OH...
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: OH GOD
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: WH4T H4V3 1 DON3
[A6A6I2] ====>
TEREZI: 1...
[A6A6I2] ====>
ROSE: GAMZEE!
[A6A6I2] ====>
ROSE: Or, wait.
[A6A6I2] ====>
ROSE: Think, Lalonde.
[A6A6I2] ====>
KARKAT: TEREZI...
[A6A6I2] ====>
KARKAT: NO
[A6A6I2] ====>
JAKE: Pardon me...
[A6A6I2] ====>
ROSE: I don't care if it IS some sort of grisly courtship ritual.
[A6A6I2] ====>
KARKAT: OH ******HELL****** NO
[A6A6I2] ====>
KARKAT: LET HER GO THIS *INSTANT* YOU HEINOUS COD PACKING SHIT MIME!
[A6A6I2] ====>
KARKAT: WHAT THE
[A6A6I2] ====>
ARANEA: Oh shit.
ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 3
WELCOME BACK.
YOUR UNIMPATIENCE HAS BEEN APPRECIATED.
I CAN ONLY ASSUME.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE DONE IT.
HOW DID I DO SUCH A SENSATIONAL FEAT?
THE MYSTERY TO SUCCESS.
THIS FACT IS CALLED A *GAME CHANGER*.
TO PROFESSIONALS IN THE BUSINESS, THAT IS.
OH.
SUCH AS IN CASE I WAS IN NEED.
BUT THESE PORTRAITS ARE NOW A MOOT POINT.
ALL OF THIS WRETCHED TRASH.
BEHOLD, MY EXCLUSIVE PRIVATE GALLERY.
ABRA CAFUCKING DABRA YOU NASTY SHITNERDS.
OK, THAT'S ENOUGH ADMIRATION.
LOOK WHO JUST SWAGGERED INTO YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
YOU MAY RECOLLECT.
IS OUR ALPHA MALE.
BUT HEAR ME OUT!
THE MANGAS PLAY BY DIFFERENT RULES.
I MUST SAY.
IT OPENS UP SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.
MAGICAL IN ITS FORBIDDENALITY.
OH, BUT WHAT'S THIS?
AN AMOROUS FEMALE SASHAYS INTO THE SEXUAL PICTURE.
IT'S NONE OTHER.
DON'T BE DECEIVED.
7.
UM, CAN SOMEONE SAY OWNED?
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
"HELLO BOYS", THIS PLUCKY STRUMPET SEEMS TO SAY WITH HER EYES.
"IDIOT GIRL NUMBER WHATEVER" LIKES:
1.
HERE COMES ANOTHER PRIME O.C.
NOT TOO SHABBY, RIGHT?
AS FOLLOWS:
SHE ACTUALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO BE RELEVANT.
IT THINK WE'VE WASTED ENOUGH TIME ON THESE NOBODIES.
DON'T YOU?
DAAAAAAAAAAAMN.
WHO YOU ASK, IS THIS BROODING BEAUTIFUL DUDE?
SERIOUSLY.
ASK ANY DECORATED SCHOLAR TO THE SCHOOL OF MANGA, AND HE WILL SAY.
ALSO, HOW ABOUT A HAT?
SURE, WHY NOT.
BIG MAN: HOLLER FOR YOUR WOMAN.
HIS WOMAN, THAT ELABORATE TRAMP FROM THE SURFACE OF THE TOME, HUSTLES TO THE SIDE OF HER DEBONAIR HOT SHOT.
GODDESS OF MANGA: BOW DOWN.
SHE BOWS BEFORE YOU SUBMISSIVELY IN A SUBSERVIENT MANNER.
SOMETHING IS A MISS.
hey.
HIS EYES ARE SUPPOSED TO FLICKER ABOUT.
WITH THE HAT FLAVORS.
...........
it's you, isn't it.
...........
you're the guy who wrote that horrible story with all the fake daves!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
AS YOU CAN SEE, THE FORMER GHOST OF THE MALE HERO HAS COME BACK TO HAUNT ME.
ACT 6 ACT 6 INTERMISSION 3 (Already in progress)
[A6A6I3] ====>
JOHN: what the fuck happened here?
...........
A TEEN DIDN'T LIKE THE DIRECTION OF MY STORY, SO HE CAME AND BEAT ME UP.
THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
AND BEAR IN MIND THAT ONE TIME, MY LEG WAS BITTEN OFF.
AS SUCH, I MUST ADMIT.
TO BEING SUCCUMBED TO A NEW LOW.
THIS IS MY NADIR.
THE BLACKEST BALL BEFORE THE HOLE.
I BUST MY CHERUB HUMP FOR YOU "PEOPLE".
DAY IN.
I KNOW WHAT THE CRUX TO THIS HORRIBLE PROBLEM IS.
IT IS THAT, I AM MISUNDERSTOOD.
SURE, SOME OF THEIR LIES HAVE SOME CORRECT QUALITIES.
YES, IT'S TRUE I HATE MANY THINGS, AND WANT THEM DEAD.
MY TRUE PASSION.
I HUGELY INSIST.
I BLEED THE BLOOD.
OF A CRAFT'S MAN.
I SWEAT THE STUFF.
OF A GENTLE SOUL.
AND LIKE ANY BEAUTIFUL ART POET.
WHO IS IN A STRUGGLE OF CREATIVE CALAMITY.
ADDITIONAL ANGLES.
I WILL REGROUP.
AND AGAIN I WILL RISE.
LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASSES.
AND SO I BIDE MY TIME.
PERFECTING EVERY ASPECT OF MY CRAFT.
BUT THE THING IS.
MASTERPIECES DON'T COME CHEAP.
AND SO I WILL NEED YOU TO PLUNGE YOUR GRUBBY FISTS.
FAR DOWN YOUR MONEY POCKETS.
THE SAVVY CASH GIVER WILL ALSO BE PLEASED TO KNOW.
THAT I AM GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTING "CAL COINS".
PLEASE STAND BY VERY IMPATIENTLY.
THROUGH THE NEXT LENGTHY BARRAGE OF NOT IMPORTANT STUFF.
ACT 6 ACT 6 INTERMISSION 4
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: hey there.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: hey!
[A6A6I4] ====>
DIRK: Could you please just leave me alone.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: what?
[A6A6I4] ====>
DIRK: I failed.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: roxy?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: what happened to rose?
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: mom!
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROSE: What...
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROSE: Kanaya.
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROSE: You too.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: is she...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i'm sorry.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i got here too late to do anything.
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: you saw dirk??
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: poor rose.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: but we can't give up, right?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: terezi?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: whoa.
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: F1X TH1S
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: this was yoUr home?
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: ah, yes. i recognize it now.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: my grandpa set it up for me in the atrium JADE: i would spend hours tending to my plants and playing music for them JADE: it was one of the places where i was the happiest i can remember being JADE: i miss that garden CALLIOPE: what happened to it?
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: also yoU and he spent most of yoUr lives apart.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: this is where you and your brother lived?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: callie...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: when you said you were a monster...
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: me???
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: what do you think it means callie?
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: how's this?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: this is the story about how he died
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: TH3 POW3RS YOU W3R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT 34RL13R JOHN: huh???
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: M4YB3 JOHN: maybe?????
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: aw, man.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: dammit.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: what?
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: have you ever seen your denizen?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i guess you have a point.
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: YOU W1LL GO S33 YOUR D3N1Z3N 4T ONC3 TEREZI: 4SK H1M TO H3LP YOU UND3RST4ND YOUR POW3RS, 4ND 4CC3PT WH4T3V3R PR1C3 H3 D3M4NDS TEREZI: TH1S 1S NOT N3GOT14BL3!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: fine, then i guess it's settled.
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: ok fiiine ROXY: ima go see some big ass goddess of the night if itll make u get this show on the stinkin road aready!
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: 1 4M NOT 4BOUT TO SP3ND MY F1N4L MOM3NTS SLOWLY BL33D1NG TO D34TH WH1L3 TWO HUM4N DORKS OBL1V1OUS TO TH31R OWN P41NFULLY 3V1D3NT ROM4NT1C T3NS1ON FUMBL3 THROUGH 4 DR4WN OUT S3R13S OF 4WKW4RD GOODBY3S TEREZI: D1DN'T YOU JUST M33T, L1K3 TOD4Y??
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: lmao ROXY: scarf troll ur p funny ROXY: hope i meet ya again ROXY: or at least some version of myself meets some version of urself ROXY: whew wat an abstract wish!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: bye!!!
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: OK TEREZI: 1 W1LL TRY SOM3TH1NG JOHN: cool!
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: TRY TO HOLD 4 C3RT41N THOUGHT 1N YOUR M1ND TEREZI: 4S CL34RLY 4ND ST34D1LY 4S YOU C4N TEREZI: 4ND T3LL M3 WH4T 1T 1S JOHN: a thought?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: hmmmm.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: hmmmmmmm.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: ok, i got one!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: there's no place like home.
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: OK TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1 C4N WORK W1TH TH4T TEREZI: NOW B3 SUR3 YOU R3M3MB3R 1T JOHN: i will.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: what happened?
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: NO
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: 1T D1D NOT
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: well...
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: 1'M SORRY TEREZI: 1 C4N'T H3LP YOU TEREZI: 1 C4N'T H3LP 4NYON3 TEREZI: YOU'D B3TT3R GO JOHN: but what will you do?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i guess you're right.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: if i master my powers, i guess... i'll figure something out?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i'll make sure none of this ever happens.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: im starting to remember the things she told me so vividly now JADE: its amazing what a creative project can do to get your mind turning CALLIOPE: ^u^ CALLIOPE: what shall i draw first?
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: how's this?
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: so yoU say yoUr story begins with a tragedy?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: i was relaxing in our makeshift livingroom, giving john and davesprite some space to themselves for a while so they could catch up JADE: john wanted to visit his home again JADE: so i happily obliged and shrunk them both down so they could hang out in his tiny tall house JADE: it seemed like the nice thing to do...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: lowas exploded!!!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: i couldnt believe it JADE: it was totally inexplicable JADE: there was no trace of them at all... they were both dead JADE: i supposed it must have meant johns death was heroic... but i couldnt for the life of me imagine how JADE: to me it was as pointless and arbitrary as a death could be
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: i looked within myself as hard as i could to see if there was some power i had, in all my omnipotence, to bring them back JADE: but i couldnt JADE: they were gone JADE: i would spend the next three years on that ship without my two best friends JADE: sure, there were still consorts and chess guys to keep me company JADE: but the loss was too much for me to bear JADE: i felt so alone
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: weeks and months went by...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: i fell asleep and had a dream JADE: and that is when i met a very powerful, strangely charismatic creature...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: as i said, she was somewhat like you, and yet so unalike JADE: her presence was so serious and grave JADE: her hollow eyes were piercing... but not hostile JADE: but the prevailing sense i got from her was one of loneliness JADE: before she even said a word, i could feel it somehow, that this was a deeply lonely soul JADE: until i met her, i thought i was the loneliest person in the universe JADE: but a feeling told me she had been here by herself for a long long time JADE: i felt sorry for her JADE: and relating to her plight helped me overcome the feelings of intimidation JADE: so we began to talk JADE: we traded stories about ourselves JADE: she spoke of the brother she killed JADE: i spoke of the brother i lost JADE: and when i mentioned johns death JADE: that is when she became very serious again JADE: she began to recount how john had died, repeating to me the same story i just told you JADE: she described the spontaneous destruction of lowas which left me alone for years JADE: i wondered why she was recounting this tragedy that happened to me, and for that matter how she knew of it herself JADE: she went on to say that lowas was destroyed because johns denizen had suddenly woken up JADE: typheus, a great monster of truly terrifying power JADE: she said he had destroyed his land and slayed his own heir of breath not out of malice, but to make a slight correction JADE: i asked her...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: she said that the john from my reality, and his entire planet, needed to be erased JADE: and that the slumbering denizen in all his mysterious wisdom knew this JADE: she told me that the dreams of a denizen draw from the same well of potential from which every conceivable possibility arises JADE: the same place skaia gets its power from JADE: so if an agreement with a denizen is reached in one reality, that same denizen in another reality could become aware of it, and respond accordingly JADE: it seems that john, somewhere, in some other plane of existence, had made just such an agreement JADE: she said that the john i knew, like herself, was only one version of a person JADE: there was a different version of john from another reality poised to play a more significant role JADE: you see, the john from that reality in an act of desperation had gone to see typheus, and struck a bargain with him JADE: she would go on to explain the nature of that bargain in the next part of her story JADE: but from my perspective, the consequence of this bargain was to lose my friends, and to live with that for years without understanding why JADE: losing them still hurt, but i was so relieved to at least understand the reason, and to realize their senseless deaths were actually serving a bigger purpose JADE: i thanked her for letting me know
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: she told me she was not human, and had no frame of reference for empathizing with my feelings JADE: but if there was one thing she could relate to, it was the feeling of being alone JADE: the feeling of waiting for what seems like eternity by yourself, until finally your purpose presents itself CALLIOPE: ...
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: i feel sorry for her.
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: good enoUgh?
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: there yoU go.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: one of the things i did to pass the time on the ship was give them funny names JADE: lets meet our cast of characters for this intermission shall we?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: detective glubsbudget JADE: fidgety herbert JADE: doctor snausages JADE: yiffyiff CALLIOPE: JADE!
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: I'M SORRY BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW!
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: oops.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: so... anyway JADE: like i said, she just finished telling me that she was able to beat her brother in this reality JADE: but apparently, that wasnt supposed to happen?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: as you know, we all have personal quests that are unique to our planets JADE: the nature of the quest is never easy to understand at first JADE: they are presented to us through enigmatic riddles conveyed through the lore of the land JADE: for john it was to journey to the place where "constellations danced beneath the clouds" JADE: it was said the heir of breath was to free the stars from the shade and release them into heaven JADE: this was just a mysterious way of saying what he REALLY had to do
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: the stars were actually fireflies JADE: theyd been flying around trapped beneath the overcast sky ever since john first brought lowas into existence by his arrival JADE: and paradoxically, theyd been imprisoned there for ages even before that JADE: such is the way of our lands JADE: they are newly born the day we arrive...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: to free the fireflies john would have to play a special song JADE: it had to be played just right to summon the breeze through the pipes JADE: but there was a problem...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: the pipes were all clogged with oil!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: but as he wandered through the catacombs down to the planets core JADE: he wasnt thinking about freeing fireflies or cleaning up oil JADE: he was seeking the help of his denizen to master a power he couldnt control JADE: luckily for him, denizens always seem to understand what you want JADE: and more importantly, what you need, whether you know it or not
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: when john got to the core he arrived to find typheus awake and ready for him CALLIOPE: (giggle.)
[S][A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: his choice was presented as a kind of riddle JADE: spoken in a language only he could understand, spelling out the conditions he must accept JADE: but speaking from experience, once a player is given the choice between two courses of action, it will hardly feel like a choice at all JADE: if the heart is in the right place then the right thing to do always seems obvious JADE: so john accepted his denizens terms JADE: and with that...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: typheus opened valves to the core JADE: and flooded it with oil!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: there was no way out JADE: he could not transform into wind because he was completely submerged!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: drowning obviously would have been bad :p JADE: but disappearing wouldnt be much better!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: it was the oil!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: he dispersed every drop throughout existence
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: leaving a little mark for anyone who might notice, signifying his final mastery over his confining reality
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: but more importantly...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: leaving his planet clean
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: and the pipes clear
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: finally they were ready to let the breeze flow
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: so he could play his song
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: roxy???
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: what are you doing here?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: huh.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i'm glad it worked out like this.
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: so ROXY: all that wind ROXY: that was you right JOHN: yes.
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: why is the sky blank btw JOHN: it's blank because it's...
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: is true ROXY: im always gettin owned at those by you and ur kin ROXY: recently your crazy dog sister was schoolin me on perfectly generic cubes JOHN: you mean generic objects.
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: hmm ROXY: well since we already talked about MY quest...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: hmm, it just occurred to me...
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: is uh ROXY: is that dirks anime sword ROXY: whats up with that
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: this is where dave's bro died a few years ago, probably while being heroic and cool.
[A6A6I4] ====>
ROXY: yoink!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: anyway...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: you're right.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: remember what i said too, about practicing voidey stuff.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: yikes!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i shouldn't mess around with that moment.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: let's try this again.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: wow, no.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: let's get it together, john.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: ...one of your pals!!!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: (wait a minute.)
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: (hey!)
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: (what the hell??)
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: stop fooling around and go find roxy, you dumb goof!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: who's roxy?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: wow, i can't believe how naive i was...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i was so confused when that happened.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: got to come up with a better plan than zapping to wherever my stupid whims take me.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i think i understand what she was trying to do now!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: alright, let's see if this works.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: there's no place like home...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: there's no place like home!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: 1 C4N'T B3L13V3 TH4T 4CTU4LLY WORK3D
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Hey Meenah.
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Ok, I can 8uy that there's no such place as the Dark Carnival, and TOTALLY get 8ehind slamming the 8eliefs of people I dislike.
[A6A6I4] ====>
MEENAH: the point is you just gotta keep lookin at the d-bubble junk and take it in stroke no matter how messed up it is or how much you think it shouldnt exist VRISKA: Take it in stroke?
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: So do you want to hang out here a while?
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: So what do you want to do first?
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: What a8out that?
[A6A6I4] ====>
MEENAH: why dont you get one VRISKA: ME?!
[A6A6I4] ====>
(JOHN): what is going on here?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: so, that thing we did with the password...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: yeah, i know what you mean.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: augh!
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: H3R3 JOHN: what the hell is this?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: this is a lot of instructions.
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: ON3 MOM3NT JOHN: huh?
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: H3R3
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: GOOD LUCK, 3GB3RT >:] TEREZI: NOT TH4T YOU'LL N33D 1T JOHN: why not?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: god, you are so fucking weird.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: Excuse me!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: Apologies for the intrusion, JANE: But I seem to be lost.
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: JANE!
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: oops.
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: jane, don't be frightened...
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: it's me!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: Of course!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: Come here, you!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: Forgive me, I don't recall your telling me you were named Callie.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: Say.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: might as well get started.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: "R3UN1ON"?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: whoa, it worked!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: oh man, this is great.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: dang, this was such a cool moment!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i would love to have this sweet reunion all over again with you guys...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: i don't know if this makes sense...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: see you karkat!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: dave!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: goodbye, rose. it makes me happy to see you alive and well, even if only for a minute.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: so yeah, time to go get that ring.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: gotcha!!!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: it feels good to have it back.
[A6A6I4] ====>
MEENAH: BOOM MEENAH: there goes another one VRISKA: Wow, yeah.
[A6A6I4] ====>
MEENAH: hes just reclamming souls who hangin around too long anyway MEENAH: before i died i was already like i aint give a fuck about death much MEENAH: i looked at it like life had a price of admission no one could afford MEENAH: in the ticket takers eye theres no way you could ever earn your stay MEENAH: so to stick around you gotta learn to steal MEENAH: but shit catches up with all thieves in the end MEENAH: even the great ones VRISKA: ...
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Ooh, look!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: ok, bloody scarf.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: framed, huh?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: wow, that was kind of a sick burn.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: so...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: whatever.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: "MOM3NT"?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: guess i'll find out. this better be good!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: heheheheheh.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: hmm.
[A6A6I4] ====>
CALLIOPE: what else do yoU remember, jane?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: jane, dont you remember when we turned into bad guys?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: 'Twas like Jade said.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: The crafty witch made sure I would be the brains of the operation.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: But before we could badger hapless pals in the slammer, there was work to be done.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: Before Jade could intercept the meteor, she disappeared without a trace.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: They struck at just the right moment, while the Witch was out searching for them.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: Roxy's young mother made an exceedingly aggressive move to free her estranged daughter.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: But Roxy...
[A6A6I4] ====>
DRAGONSPRITE: sniff sniff DRAGONSPRITE: sniff sniff sniff sniff JOHN: (hey, would you quit it!)
[A6A6I4] ====>
DRAGONSPRITE: bye!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: uh, mission accomplished i guess??
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: ok, there's just no way that change was important.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: yeesh.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: let's see... what does she want me to do here?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: so i guess the clown guy did this?
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: ok, this one's easy enough.
[A6A6I4] ====>
TG: spidertroll GC: YOU 4R3 CORR3CT GC: TH3 SP1D3R13ST ON3 OF 4LL TG: youve decided to take her down then GC: 1 GU3SS SO TG: you dont sound that psyched about it GC: W3LL, 1M H3R3 T4LK1NG TO YOU 4BOUT 1T 1NST34D OF 4CTU4LLY DO1NG 1T, 4R3NT...
[A6A6I4] ====>
TG: terezi TG: hello TG: wtf is going on there
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: there.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: OOF!
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Haha!
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Hahahaha!
[A6A6I4] ====>
MEENAH: heheheheheh VRISKA: Hahahaha!
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: OOF!!!!!!!!
[A6A6I4] ====>
MEENAH: hehehe VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha!
[A6A6I4] ====>
MEENAH: heheheheheheh VRISKA: Haha!
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Hahahaha!!!!!!!!
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha!
[A6A6I4] ====>
MEENAH: hehehehehe VRISKA: Hahahaha!
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Hahahaha...
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Haha.
[A6A6I4] ====>
MEENAH: heh...
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: Ha.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: I knew that I was her only hope for resurrection.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: so getting back to the story JADE: i take it from what you said about letting your guard down...
[A6A6I4] ====>
JANE: This was the unanticipated factor.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JADE: youre really good at telling stories jane!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: uh, wow.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: NOOOOOO, TEREZI!
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: John????????
[A6A6I4] ====>
VRISKA: What are you doing heAUGH!!!!!!!!
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: JOHN, WH4T H4V3 YOU DON3!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: wow, she's really down for the count, isn't she.
[A6A6I4] ====>
TEREZI: Y3S, G1V3 1T H3R3 JOHN: no, quit it!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: but...
[A6A6I4] ====>
KARKAT: HOW IN THE CONTEMPTIBLE NAME OF MY PERMANENTLY HATE-SOILED JERKOFF TROUSERS CAN YOU ***POSSIBLY*** BE HERE?!
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: karkat, take it easy.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: oh man.
[A6A6I4] ====>
JOHN: ok guys, really, i've messed with your time line enough as it is.
[A6A6I4] ====>
KANAYA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything And Am Currently Casting Sincere Doubt On The Laughable Insinuation That I Or Anyone Else Ever Actually Did For Even A Single Moment SOLLUX: kanaya, d0n't be such a damn n00b.
[A6A6I4] ====>
SOLLUX: mutha.
[A6A6I4] ====>
SOLLUX: fuckin.
[A6A6I4] ====>
SOLLUX: shenanigans.
MY MASTERPIECE!
THE FRUITS OF MY ARTISTIC TOILS ARE FINALLY AT HAND.
LET US BEGIN.
THE TALE MY MASTERPIECE DESCRIBES, IS BASICALLY A SPOILER TO THE ENDING OF THINGS.
SO I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT I SAW.
NOT WITH THE CRUDE 2 DIMENSIONAL SHAPES FROM MY COMPUTER PENCIL.
AH YES.
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I SAW IN THE SCREEN.
ALSO, LOOK CLOSELY.
I'VE GOT MY JUJU CHEST THERE.
ONE MORE BANNER PIECE OF SWAG IN MY POSSESSION.
I'M NOT SURE HOW I COME ABOUT THIS LATER.
HERE I AM LORDING IT OVER MY MINIONS.
THE CLASSIC HONK FRIEND.
WHEN SUDDENLY.
EIGHT ASSHOLES SNUGGED UP IN THEIR GOOFY PAJAMAS APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE, FOR SOME WRESTLING ROYALE WITH YOURS TRULY.
BUT THEN.
MY SKULL TURNS GIDDY, AND SINISTER.
THEY ARE ALL FRISKY, AND READY TO FIGHT.
I CAN TELL THEY ARE PSYCHED ABOUT THIS.
LIKE I SAID.
AND I SEE NO REASON NOT TO USE IT RIGHT AWAY.
AND RULES AND STUFF.
ALL JUJUS HAVE RULES.
AND JUST LIKE THAT, THEY WERE GONE.
THEIR SOULS WERE TRAPPED IN MY JUJU.
IT BECAME MYSTERIOUSLY INTANGIBLE.
LIKE A HOLE.
SO IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE.
I TRAPPED IT BACK IN THE CHEST!
I SHOULD ALSO RELEVANTLY MENTION.
I AM STILL IN POSSESSION OF THE SWORDMAN'S JUJU.
NOW IS WHEN THE PUMMELING BEGINS.
THE FRACAS IS LOUD AND LARGE.
I'M MOSTLY TOYING WITH THEM THOUGH.
IT'S ALL TOO EASY, FOR AN ASCENDED LORD BOY LIKE ME.
SO.
I HAVE COMMITTED, THROUGH A PLEDGE OF PERSONAL BEAUTIFICATION.
I'M RUINING THEM, REALLY.
IT'S NOT A CONTEST.
IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD FIGHT BETWEEN US.
BECAUSE HE'S STRONG, AND I ADMIRE THAT.
MY OVERCONFIDENCE, WAS MY ACHILLES DOWNFALL THOUGH.
I MADE, ADMITTEDLY, THE AMATEUR'S BONER.
AND BY UPSET.
I MEAN HE THREW A FULLY FLEDGED TANTRUM OF *PURE HOPE*.
THE HOPE...
IT WAS BLINDING.
WELL, MY SECOND MAYBE.
SECOND ONLY TO UNDERESTIMATING THIS SAD SACK WUSS OF HOPE.
IT SEEMS THAT HOPE POWER IS OVERWHELMING.
EVEN TO THE CLOCKWORK MANJUNK.
I GET DUNKED AS FUCK.
AND LAND SQUARE ON MY BOTTOM.
MEANWHILE, STRIDER REGROUPS FROM HIS TROUNCING.
AND SEES HIS CHANCE TO DO AWAY WITH ME FOR GOOD.
SO I GET UP.
I NEARLY GET THE DROP ON HIM BEFORE HE RELEASES HIS SPELL.
SO BASICALLY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
THE SWEATY MUSCULAR GHOST APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE IS.
THIS GIVES DIRK JUST THE TIME HE NEEDS.
TO DO HIS FLAMBOYANT PINK SPELL.
I THINK HE THOUGHT HE COULD DESTROY MY SOUL.
BUT HE BIT OFF MORE THAN HIS FLESHY SKULL COULD CHEW.
AT THIS POINT.
HIS BELOVED JUJU IS NO LONGER A HOLLOW VESSEL.
YES, NEVER TO BE FOUND.
BUT NOT NEVER TO RESURFACE.
IT WILL BE TIME, INDEED, FOR ME TO GET...
AND NOW, IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME.
I MUST PUT DOWN THE TOYS AND WAYS OF A CHILD.
[S] MSPA Reader: Mental breakdown.
[S] ACT 6 ACT 6 INTERMISSION 5
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: is it time yet VRISKA: No.
[A6A6I5] ====>
TAVROSPRITE: oHHHHHH, TAVROSPRITE: sNAP,!
[A6A6I5] ====>
TEREZI: SO UM TEREZI: WH4T 4BOUT OUR OTH3R D34D FR13NDS?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: so DAVE: am i inferring correctly from some shit i just heard DAVE: that uh TEREZI: 1NF3RR1NG WH4T?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Gr8!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Just give it another second or two!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Hi John!!!!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: whoa...
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: HI EVERYBODY!
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: heh ROXY: hi
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: d'awww.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: oh, hey terezi!
[A6A6I5] ====>
TEREZI: 1 W4S 4LMOST C3RT41NLY FUCK1NG W1TH YOU JOHN: ok, wow. great.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: rose!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: hello, um...
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: hi dave!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: strider to the rescue DAVE: the fist bump has been secured KARKAT: DAVE NO KARKAT: FUCK!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: hey dave...
[A6A6I5] ====>
You are confronted with an especially empowering CHARACTER SELECTION MENU.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: so tell me about your ridiculous meteor journey!
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: yeah maybe we should drop this JOHN: ok.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: um anyway DAVE: as you can see ive been spending probably way too much time with trolls JOHN: ha ha.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: this is really confusing though.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: hey DAVE: um JOHN: ?
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: haha im sorry ROSE: Sorry about what?
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: If During Your Manuscript Exchange You Need Someone To Read Over Your Shoulder KANAYA: Say KANAYA: To Proofread KANAYA: Or KANAYA: To Purge Each Sentence Of Punctuation And Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word KANAYA: Id Be Happy To Volunteer KANAYA: Strictly Professionally Of Course And Not Because I Really Want To Read Your Wizard Things Too KANAYA: (I Really Want To Read Your Wizard Things Too I Hope Thats Okay) ROXY: hahaha yeah sure its ok!
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROSE: I don't mean to be too analytical about getting to know you, really.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: seriously tho ROXY: is so nice hearin ur stories ROXY: especially the similarities of stuff we experienced ROXY: wizards and writing and mom stuff and even bad things we went through ROXY: and obviously were similar by dna and all ROXY: but even so ROXY: it still feels comforting ROXY: that even if u flip the universe upside down and change it all around ROXY: pull us apart by centuries, kill humans off, flood the world ROXY: were still connected to each other ROXY: in a mysterious way that goes beyond genes and circumstance ROXY: and that i think is some tight frickin noise to consider ROSE: I'm considering it right now, and yes.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JAKE: Tavrosprite is it ok if we pretend to have a conversation over here for a while...
[A6A6I5] ====>
JAKE: Well...
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Hey kid, what's he telling you?
[A6A6I5] ====>
TEREZI: VR1SK4, SHOULDN'T W3 G3T B4CK TO OUR STR4T3GY M33T1NG SOON?
[A6A6I5] ====>
TEREZI: GONN4 M1SS YOU TEREZI: SUR3 YOU H4V3 TO G3T GO1NG SO SOON?
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROSE: Dave, we were sort of in the middle of something here.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: here comes da lightning ROXY: u got to imagine it comin out my fingertips ROXY: wherein i am an almighty wisard DAVE: ok currently imagining that DAVE: hmm not bad DAVE: not bad at all ROXY: pCHOO ROXY: um ROXY: what ROXY: is your favorite rap guy DAVE: thats a dead tie DAVE: between me and snoop DAVE: also MAYBE obama but to be fair i dont think he raps irl that is mainly just a headcanon i have about him DAVE: but come on DAVE: you werent actually curious about that were you ROXY: im trying to think of stuff to ask jeez!
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROSE: This is the lightning round, Dave.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: FRIGGLISH!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: so DAVE: what does this even mean DAVE: theres two roses now like DAVE: what the fuck DAVE: what are we supposed to do with this information and unfolding set of circumstances ROSESPRITE: I don't know, Dave.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROSE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: How's it going over there?
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: BYE!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: hey am i interrupting anything VRISKA: Hey, Dave.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Oh, wow.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: so youre just gonna let him suffocate in there then VRISKA: Dave, give me a little more credit than that.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: hey!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: you know jake, at first you seemed pretty shy...
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Ok every8ody, time's up!!!!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Alright, has everyone shut up yet?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: According to intelligence gathered during our trip along with some reconnaissance work on arrival, this session has four, possi8ly five major adversaries.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: so.....
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU PUT ME ON DRAWING DUTY.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Let's run down the threat list, with a full de8riefing on each threat.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: This 8rings us to the Jacks.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Ah yes.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: There, perfect.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Next, Lord Jack.
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: HOW DOES THIS LOOK?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Ah yes.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: That 8rings us to Ro8o Jack.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: That covers the overall tactical situ8tion!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: See?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: vriska, wait.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: The Condesce.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: ME ROSE: ME.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Ok, let's say Team Condesce is good enough for now, with John, Rose and Roxy.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Next: Lord Jack.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Ok, Dave.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: We'll need to design8 a team for Ro8o Jack and his... entourage.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: That concludes the tactical planning part of this de8riefing.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: First, a8out Kanaya and Karkat's "mission" I alluded to a minute ago.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Next item: VRISKA: Earth!!!!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: what is it?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Those are the important things to remem8er.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: yes, i have one.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: so, is...
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: I told you.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: I'm expediting matters.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: There you go!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: jeez vriska, are they really that bad?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: My ghost is 8eing a
[A6A6I5] ====>
JANE: I hope I don't sound like too much of a dream bubble novice, but, JANE: Now that we've remembered we're asleep, how do we...
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: wow!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: i know this place
[A6A6I5] ====>
JANE: Where are we?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: its echidnas lair JADE: or my memory of it at least
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: or possibly...
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: jane??
[A6A6I5] ====>
ARQUIUSPRITE: Abra cafiddling dabra you silly shootnerds ARQUIUSPRITE: My e%ceedingly STRONG work as the party's premier bodybuilding hacker is done ARQUIUSPRITE: Off I go JANE: ...
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: JANE!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: the hug pile doesn't stop from getting taller.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: hi nanna!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JANE: Wow, I feel so out of the loop!
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROSESPRITE: JASPERS, NOOOOO!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Meow meow motherfuckers.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: why is everything always so wonderful
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: welcome back, jade.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: come toward me.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: jade, could you wait over here?
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: i've been searching for yoU.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: forgive my faltering, miss...
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: my death was the very end, of course.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: oh.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: a dead session is an impossible time challenge.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: her choice was simple, and i accepted.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: i... see.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: you don't need to do anything.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: live.
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: SO YOU ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE WAS SAYING WITH THAT EARSPLITTING MALARKEY?
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: So KANAYA: You Really Dont Have Even The Slightest Sense Of What You Stand For KANAYA: Some Concept That Speaks To You In Some Way KANAYA: Or Represents Ideals Important To You KARKAT: I DUNNO KARKAT: UHH KARKAT: BLOOD?
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: BUT SERIOUSLY, I STILL DO WANT TO HELP MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THIS BATTLE SOMEHOW!
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: It Was Part Of The Deal KARKAT: WHAT?
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: SURE IT IS.
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: Once Its All Over KARKAT: HUH?
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: OOF
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: Pleasant Dreams Friend KANAYA: If You Can Hear Me In Your Dreams KANAYA: Ha Ha You Probably Cant
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: They're back!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: You see Roxy?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Gasp.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: You there!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Prrrrr, *CHIRP!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Hello Kanaya!
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: Rose?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Dave and Dirk!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Eep.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Pounce!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Surprise Jade's unintelligent father and greetings, for it is I a brand new entity with which you are not familiar!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Ok looks like you're both really boring too!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: So it just occurred to me!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: But seriously that's all from me tonight folks, I've sincerely adored hogging all of your attention and you've been wonderful.
[A6A6I5] ====>
TEREZI: Y34H, SH3'S JUST GONN4 BR1NG N3P3T4 B4CK 1SN'T SH3
[A6A6I5] ====>
Wow, 10 path options!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: so DAVE: that was pretty fucking weird huh DIRK: ...
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: That was...
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: soooooo DIRK: So.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: I guess you all pretty much... showed up then.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: So when are we supposed to fight?
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: yeh!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: so, anyway, regardless of how you feel about yourself, or whatever thing a rude troll may have to say, i think you are very cute.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: (yoo troll grouch... john is so nice agh its fuckin me up) TEREZI: (1 KNOW) TEREZI: (1T'S D1SGUST1NG) JANE: Excuse me, Callie?
[A6A6I5] ====>
(VRISKA): You know, I've got to say.
[A6A6I5] ====>
(VRISKA): So yeah, horses are ok in my 8ook.
[A6A6I5] ====>
(VRISKA): So enough a8out stupid animals, whose presence have no rational explan8tion anyway.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Sorry if I'm interrupting...
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: hay!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: those are very inspiring things to hear, roxy.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: what do you think they are talking about over there?
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROSE: My brand missed you too, John.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: terezi, shoosh.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: It's me again!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: As much as I enjoy getting a load of that GORGEOUS whiskerless mug of yours, it's not actually why I dropped by.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: There is someone you really must meet before we all start skittering across the great laminated floor of combat.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: you can stay here with the others until this all blows over!
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: so ROXY: yeah ROXY: if we make it thru this ROXY: ill come back for you ROXY: and then ROXY: we figure out what happens next!
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: keep me in ur thoughts ok?
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: i got a delivery to make!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Maybe we should go over this again.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: So Jack has...
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Do you know when he arrives?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Guestimate?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Is...
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: sure DIRK: It just seems, DIRK: Like, DIRK: Maybe you aren't that... into... this.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: i dunno if its "weird" i just cant process it DIRK: Why?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Well?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: ok actually maybe i will get into it
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: i dunno why my friends got to have adults around who cared about them DAVE: they complained bitterly about stuff so i guess i convinced myself they were all in the same boat as me DAVE: but thats not how it was DAVE: their complaints were trumped up nonsense and i bought it cause... i dunno DAVE: i didnt have any frame of reference DAVE: but his dad and her mom no matter what they said it was so obvious they cared about them deeply DAVE: even jades weird fuckin grandpa who died when she was young obviously would have done anything for her DAVE: why did i get such a raw cut of the asshole deck DAVE: and why did it take me so long to figure that out DAVE: and like hes dead now so thats that DAVE: so all thats left to do is look back and try to put the pieces together of my first 13 years DAVE: and all i can think is what the fuck WAS that?!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: You ok there?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: That...
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: thanks DAVE: but DAVE: it still feels a little odd accepting an apology from somebody who i just met and technically had nothing to do with my life DAVE: even if you do feel guilty splinterways or whatever DAVE: it is just a messed up situation DAVE: and i guess i had to vent DAVE: and there was never anyone i wanted to say all that to DAVE: and the only thing that was gonna drag it out of me i guess was like a teen stand-in phantom of my dead bro DAVE: just some perfectly innocent dude havin to take the brunt of this shit DIRK: I'm not particularly innocent though.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Maybe.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: you say there was a lot to admire DAVE: like what DIRK: Well...
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: ill have to think
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: hey DIRK: ?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: for what im doing now DAVE: this bullshit right here DIRK: Oh.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: its really fucked up of me DAVE: what im presently doing DAVE: so DAVE: sorry about that DIRK: Oh, y- DIRK: Yeah.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: But it's cool.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: sorry
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: hey!!!!!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: Yes?
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: heeeeeeeeeeeeey!
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: kanaya!
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: Is It The Thing Behind Your Back ROXY: yup but u gotta be more specific KANAYA: Is It A Little Piece Of Paper That Says Hey On It ROXY: hahahahaha no but that would be SO FUNNY!
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: is this!
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: Is It KANAYA: Real ROXY: yeah!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: Thank You
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: no problem!
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: so you are roses girlfriend right?
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: count me in!
[A6A6I5] ====>
KANAYA: Shall We Go Then
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: we hella shall
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: I'll 8e taking this, if you don't mind.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Are you really so far removed from reality that you can't see it?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Honestly, I can 8arely even stand to look at you.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Oh, don't worry, "Serket".
[A6A6I5] ====>
(VRISKA): Meenah........?
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: iiiiii uh MEENAH: ...
[A6A6I5] ====>
(VRISKA): No!
[A6A6I5] ====>
(VRISKA): No...
[A6A6I5] ====>
(VRISKA): *Sniff...* (VRISKA): Meenah, you have to stay!
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: heres the thing MEENAH: i dont think MEENAH: any of that shade just thrown at ya was true MEENAH: i like you a lot an all MEENAH: but like MEENAH: she has a point on one thing MEENAH: which is MEENAH: you changed a lot MEENAH: not better or worse or anyfin MEENAH: i aint squallified to make that call MEENAH: just different MEENAH: from the way you were when we met MEENAH: happier i guess??
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: im
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: bad
[A6A6I5] ====>
(VRISKA): No, Meenah!
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: im really sorry
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Time to say good8ye, Meenah.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: You've made the right choice, Peixes.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Now let's go round up that army.
[A6A6I5] ====>
Let's try this choice thing again, one more time.
[A6A6I5] ====>
NANNASPRITE: There you are!
[A6A6I5] ====>
NANNASPRITEx2: There are actually two of me!
[A6A6I5] ====>
NANNASPRITEx2: HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JAKE: Tavrosprite thank you for surreptitiously scooting away with me to my planet.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: :3
[A6A6I5] ====>
TAVROSPRITE: aCHOO!
[A6A6I5] ====>
TAVROSPRITE: w,,, wOW!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Since that hideous brouhaha of spittle, mucus and shouting has subsided, peace and quiet has revisited these hills and I am free to do my work.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Jake, drumroll, please.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Mrow, well hello there, beautiful. ;3 JASPROSESPRITE^2: Fret no more sweet princess, for as long as I am here, you will never suffer such indignity again.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: You are gorgeous, dear, sweet Nepeta.
[A6A6I5] ====>
NEPETASPRITE: :33 < hi!
[A6A6I5] ====>
TAVROSPRITE: oH, TAVROSPRITE: oHHHH, nOOO, TAVROSPRITE: tHIS IS, gREAT, tECHNICALLY, bUT, *sNIFF*, TAVROSPRITE: oH nNNNOOAAA-CHOO!
[A6A6I5] ====>
TAVROSPRITE: aCHOO!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Hey.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JAKE: Ok reaching into my pocket now.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JAKE: What the hell is this?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JAKE: Ummmm...
[A6A6I5] ====>
JAKE: Hey tavrosprite!
[A6A6I5] ====>
GCATAVROSPRITE: oHH, GCATAVROSPRITE: oHHHHHHH, nO, GCATAVROSPRITE: oHHHHHHH,, nOOOOOOO,,, GCATAVROSPRITE: a, GCATAVROSPRITE: aAA, GCATAVROSPRITE: aAAAAAAAAAAAA,,, GCATAVROSPRITE: aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: You still there?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Anyway I can't stand around all day yacking a8out this.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Ok!
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: so yeah we all piled in a damn pirate ship and sailed around the ring in this huge circle MEENAH: english followed us and wrecked shit as he went MEENAH: that helped us chart a path to the treasure somehow MEENAH: like using black maps and junk MEENAH: with like MEENAH: cartographic calculations and scopes and fuckin sextants and whatnot MEENAH: im not even sure how but that weird ass idea actually worked MEENAH: we found the treasure MEENAH: well YOU did MEENAH: but you were also kinda goin nuts and driving everyone away from the crew MEENAH: i stuck around though cause i didnt give a flying glub MEENAH: aranea bailed though MEENAH: she caught wind of that magic ring and i guess it got to her MEENAH: the delusions of grandeur about being alive again and doing relevant shit MEENAH: so she ollied out and stole it and made the most embarrassing mess of things i ever heard of anyone doin ever MEENAH: she totally failed in whatever she was trying to do MEENAH: got the ring ganked from her then died again MEENAH: i never saw or heard from her ever since and tbh i dont really want to MEENAH: that left just me and you MEENAH: well OT)(-ER you MEENAH: tryin to figure out what to do with this deadly box a treasure MEENAH: basically we couldnt decide on anything MEENAH: and were feelin pretty flat on the plan overall MEENAH: so we just gave up and wandered off to do other shit for a while MEENAH: and you... i mean she...
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Good recap!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Got anything yet?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: It's not a huge deal.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Is that????????
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: TAVROS????????
[A6A6I5] ====>
TAVROS: yES, tHAT'S ME, TAVROS: hI AGAIN FINALLY, uHHHH, TAVROS: aLIVE VRISKA?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: You actually did something useful for once.
[A6A6I5] ====>
TAVROS: aWWWWWWWWW, yEAH!
[A6A6I5] ====>
TAVROS: SUUUUUCK,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
[A6A6I5] ====>
TAVROS: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Tavros.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Tavros.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Tavros.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: TAVROS!!!!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Ok.
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Ok, now that we have a ghost army assem8led, the weapon in hand, and settled on the determin8tion that the lost cheru8 pro8a8ly doesn't matter at all...
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: whoa man what the fuck?
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: yea good MEENAH: excellent work swabby in chief MEENAH: i hereby promote yall from poopmaster to pooplord TAVROS: wOW!!!!!!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: listen up buoys and gulls MEENAH: i aint much for inspirational sbeaches MEENAH: but here goes one anemoneway so whatever and listen the fuck up MEENAH: your friendly sandle packing pooplord just flipped the keys to this bitch over to me MEENAH: so as all yalls former heiress and current empress i hereby officially decree MEENAH: im the boss now MEENAH: you gotta do what i say MEENAH: follow my orders to the letter not just cause all our ghosts are at stake and existence itself depends on it MEENAH: but because im tha bomb MEENAH: and all the shit i say is cool and right MEENAH: mosta you got some good fightin skill or some powers or some shit MEENAH: god tier ghosts im lookin at you MEENAH: i dunno what you can all do in them peejays but whatever it is you better fuckin bring it MEENAH: the rest of you without powers or even like MEENAH: modest combat ability?
[A6A6I5] ====>
VRISKA: Why is everything always so wonderful?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JAKE: So i take it i am to stand in for the mad hatter in this charade?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Anyway, enough of that horseshit.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Davesprite?!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVESPRITE: hey nepeta nice to meet you DAVESPRITE: dont worry ill get out of your hair soon and let you get back to your tea date with rose NEPETASPRITE: :33 < hi dave NEPETASPRITE: :33 < its nice to m33t you too!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < claw claw meowtherfuckers!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: hello?
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: jade?
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: oh, hello, sir.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: oh, silly me.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: there yoU are.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: please hUrry back, jade.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: sooooo JADE: where exactly are we going?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: well wherever it is...
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: well.......
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < daaamn.....
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Dave, she was going to be my WIFE!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i mean....
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: So how would you like me to help you "get yourself"?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JASPROSESPRITE^2: So what do you want to do now?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < theres somebody id like to catch up with first JASPROSESPRITE^2: Who?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: damn DAVE: and i thought our houses were pointlessly tall before DAVE: it just doesnt stop from keep constantly getting more and more vertically enormous DIRK: Shit is downright precipitous at this point.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Sounds about right.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: all that melodramatic sadbabble aside DAVE: i think its perfectly cool if youre still curious about your adult self DAVE: and i dont mind tellin you more stuff about him if you want DAVE: i know im still wondering about what my adult self got up to DIRK: Yeah.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: yeah ok DAVE: questions about me hmm lets see DAVE: ok FIRST the fuck of all DAVE: what happened to ben stiller DIRK: He was deemed a heretic, and was crucified on the Washington Monument by some clowns.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Anyway, carry on.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: i wonder if he had like DAVE: friends DIRK: It sounds like he knew a lot of people, at least later in life.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ARQUIUSPRITE: Nepeta?!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < dammit dude DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < why dont we stop pussyfooting around stuff and get down to brass tacks ARQUIUSPRITE: What brass ta% do you mean, Davepeta DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i think you know B33 ARQUIUSPRITE: Davepeta, are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < lets make this shit work ARQUIUSPRITE: Yes!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < where doing it man ARQUIUSPRITE: YES!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < where MAKING THIS HAPEN ARQUIUSPRITE: YES!!!!!
[S][A6A6I5] ====>
The greatest reunion in Homestuck history.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: hey, they're back!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: how'd it go?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: hehe.
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: hay whats happening to skaia KANAYA: It Looks Like Someone Has Finally Released The Grist KANAYA: Its Ready To Receive Echidnas Offering Now KANAYA: If Someone Is Able To Light The Forge That Is ROXY: oh ROXY: soo...
[A6A6I5] ====>
ROXY: hes meditating JOHN: what?
[A6A6I5] ====>
TEREZI: WH4T?
[A6A6I5] ====>
TEREZI: OK 3V3RYBODY TEREZI: SOUNDS L1K3 D4V3 4ND H1S BRO 4R3 R34DY TEREZI: 1'M GO1NG TO FLY OV3R TH3R3 NOW TEREZI: 1 HOP3 YOU 4LL H4V3 FUN MURD3R1NG YOUR D3S1GN4T3D V1LL41N TEREZI: C4TCH YOU L4T3R >:]
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: BYE, IDIOT!!!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: what??
[A6A6I5] ====>
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] GC: H3Y GC: YOU TH3R3?
[A6A6I5] ====>
GC: GU3SS YOU MUST B3 BUSY GC: F1ND1NG TH4T W34PON GC: OR R3CRU1T1NG GHOSTS, OR K1LL1NG LORD 3NGL1SH GC: WH4T3V3R 1T 1S YOU'R3 DO1NG OUT TH3R3 GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO S4Y 4 F3W TH1NGS GC: B3FOR3 1 H4V3 TO GO F1GHT GC: 4CTU4LLY GC: M4YB3 1TS B3TT3R YOU 4R3N'T R3SPOND1NG, FOR NOW GC: M4YB3 1 C4N F1N4LLY S4Y SOM3 TH1NGS 1 W4NT TO S4Y GC: TH4T 1 M1GHT NOT H4V3 B33N 4BL3 TO WH3N YOU W3R3 4ROUND
[A6A6I5] ====>
GC: 1T'S B33N 4 GOOD F3W Y34RS GC: 4 MUCH B3TT3R T1M3 TH4N 1 PROB4BLY D3S3RV3D TO H4V3, CONS1D3R1NG...
[A6A6I5] ====>
GC: 1 DON'T KNOW WH4T 1S WRONG W1TH M3 GC: TH4T 1 C4N'T JUST S4Y STUFF L1K3 TH4T, D1R3CTLY TO P3OPL3 GC: TH3Y C3RT41NLY DON'T 4PP34R TO H4V3 TH4T PROBL3M GC: 4ND YOU N3V3R S33M3D TO H4V3 MUCH TROUBL3 S4Y1NG WH4T3V3R W4S ON YOUR M1ND GC: M4YB3 TH4T'S WHY...
[A6A6I5] ====>
GC: L1K3, Y34H, W3'V3 CL4SH3D ON STUFF GC: 1 4CT3D L1K3 1T W4S 4LL 4BOUT 1D34LS GC: 4ND HOW M1N3 W3R3 B3TT3R OR SOM3TH1NG GC: BUT M4YB3 GC: 1 W4S JUST P1SS3D 4BOUT YOUR 4TT1TUD3 OF C3RT41NTY GC: 4ND 4NGRY 4T MYS3LF FOR NOT H4V1NG 1T GC: 1 TH1NK 1T'S SOM3TH1NG 1 N33D3D 1N MY L1F3 GC: 3V3N 1F 1T C4M3 FROM SOM3ON3 3LS3 GC: 1F ONLY TO K33P M3 4SSUR3D 1T'S POSS1BL3 TO F33L TH4T W4Y
[A6A6I5] ====>
GC: 1 KNOW YOU TH1NK 1'M W34K FOR N33D1NG YOU GC: NOT TH4T YOU'D 3V3R T3LL M3 TH4T GC: 1T'S N1C3 TH4T YOU C4R3D 3NOUGH N3V3R TO J4B M3 4BOUT 1T GC: BUT 1 COULD 4LW4YS S3NS3 1T GC: TH4T YOU KN3W GC: YOU KN3W 1 D3P3ND3D MOR3 ON YOU TH4N YOU D1D ON M3 GC: 4ND YOU P1TY M3 FOR 1T GC: 1 M34N, NOT L1K3, M4L1C1OUSLY GC: YOU PROB4BLY JUST S33 M3 4S 4 B1T TR4G1C GC: YOU C4N'T H3LP 1T GC: 4ND 1 DON'T BL4M3 YOU
[A6A6I5] ====>
GC: 1 TH1NK GC: SP3ND1NG T1M3 W1TH 4LL THOS3 CUT3 GOOB3RS GC: 4ND S331NG HOW WH3N TH3Y'R3 4LL TOG3TH3R, TH3Y S33M TO L1K3...
[A6A6I5] ====>
GC: BUT 4T L34ST 1 TH1NK 1 UND3RST4ND TH4T NOW GC: 4ND SHOULD B3 4BL3 F1GHT W1THOUT H4V1NG SOM3TH1NG GN4W 4T M3 GC: SOM3TH1NG TH4T F3LT UNKNOW4BL3, 4ND M4D3 M3 CONST4NTLY WOND3R WH4T 1 W4S DO1NG WRONG GC: 1'M OK W1TH L1V1NG L1K3 TH4T GC: NOT GO1NG TO PR3T3ND 1T WOULDN'T B3 N1C3 TO...
[A6A6I5] ====>
GC: M4YB3 1T'S D3LUS1ON4L OF M3 GC: TO 1M4G1N3 TH4T JUST H4V1NG 4NOTH3R S3T OF M3MOR13S 1S GO1NG TO M4K3 M3 F33L MOR3 COMPL3T3 GC: 1 C4N'T STOP TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T THOUGH GC: 1 GU3SS 1T'S 4LW4YS T3MPT1NG TO TH1NK TH3R3 1S ON3 H1DD3N 4NSW3R TO 3V3RYTH1NG GC: NO M4TT3R HOW F4NT4ST1C4L OR 1N4CC3SS1BL3 GC: 4ND 1F ONLY YOU COULD F1ND 1T, YOU'D F1N4LLY H4V3 TH3 P3RF3CT R3SOLUT1ON TO 3V3RYTH1NG 4BOUT YOURS3LF YOU C4N'T ST4ND GC: SO 1 JUST K33P WOND3R1NG TO MYS3LF GC: TH4T M4YB3 1F ONLY 1 COULD JUST R3M3MB3R GC: 1 WOULDN'T H4V3 TO F33L L1K3 TH1S
[A6A6I5] ====>
gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
[A6A6I5] ====>
Your name is SPADES SLICK.
[A6A6I5] ====>
Your former subordinates, CLUBS DEUCE, DIAMONDS DROOG, and HEARTS BOXCARS, are all dead.
[A6A6I5] ====>
What the hell is that...
[A6A6I5] ====>
You zoom way in with your APPARENTLY REAL CYBER-EYE(???)
[A6A6I5] ====>
All you care about is PAYBACK.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: here we are.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JOHN: hey, roxy...
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: ey!
[A6A6I5] ====>
MEENAH: wait a minute MEENAH: you arent some rando karkat ghost MEENAH: youre alive MEENAH: but dreamin or somefin KARKAT: UH, YEAH.
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: SO THIS IS REALLY IT, THEN.
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: AWESOME.
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, I WON'T BE LONG.
[A6A6I5] ====>
KARKAT: I HOPE HE'S OK.
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: we are here.
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: then um JADE: what am i supposed to do when i wake up?
[A6A6I5] ====>
CALLIOPE: goodbye, jade.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < JADE!!!!!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: d- JADE: davesprite???
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: youre alive!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but you werent actually deprived of important experiences DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < stuff like us dating and johns stupid birthday parties and playing shitty ghostbuster mmos DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < that stuff all happened to you, its just you dont have access to the memories DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < they didnt happen to shape this particular version of yourself DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but they all played a role in helping like "greater jade" grow if that makes sense DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < everything that ever happens to every version of you is an important part of your ultimate self... like a superceding bodyless and timeless persona that crosses the boundaries of paradox space and unlike god tiers or bubble ghosts or whatever, it really IS immortal DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but in your physical form there are all these partitions in your mind that prevent you from remembering any of that which makes your existence f33l totally linear DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < which is probably for the best!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: :') JADE: thanks davepeta JADE: i really cant believe it JADE: you sound so different... but youre still dave in a way JADE: its hard to say how happy it makes me to see you doing well DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < yeah likewise!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: wuhh JADE: :o JADE: was that supposed to wake me up?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < this is supposed to wake you up!
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: did someone just bark DAVE: terezi was that you TEREZI: WH4T?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: hey guys!
[A6A6I5] ====>
TEREZI: SH3'S 4W4K3 TEREZI: 1SN'T SH3 SUPPOS3D TO B3 4SL33P?
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: hi dave!
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: looks like you gave me a little assignment in case i woke up JADE: well, as it turns out......
[A6A6I5] ====>
JADE: see you guys JADE: apparently ive got a couple of dogs to deal with JADE: oh yeah by the way dave...
[A6A6I5] ====>
TEREZI: BY3, 1D1OT TEREZI: WH4T3V3R TEREZI: L3T'S HOP3 TOD4Y, OF 4LL D4YS, 1S NOT TH3 D4Y SH3 FUCKS 3V3RYTH1NG UP DAVE: yeah TEREZI: SO WH4T'S TH3 D34L, DUD3S TEREZI: YOU BOTH DON3 W1TH YOUR ROOFTOP F33L1NGS J4M?
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Ask me anything.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Go ahead.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: I'll give you a straight answer.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: alright
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: here goes
[A6A6I5] ====>
DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Dave.
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: That's the best fucking question,
[A6A6I5] ====>
DIRK: Anybody ever asked.