Candy was definitely the right choice, John thinks, as he munches thoughtfully on a strawberry swirl mint.
Meat was definitely the right choice, you think, as grease drips down your chin.
It starts with a crack.
A young man stands in his bedroom.
A young man stands in his bedroom.
John zaps back to the quietest point in the fridge’s impressively storied timeline that he can pinpoint, which is on The Land of Tombs and Krypton, T-minus about half an hour before his final battle against every dude they all had to fight to get the hell out of Dodge.
DAVE: bro In the heart of the Troll Kingdom’s capital city, Dave and Karkat are sitting on their couch with a foot and a half of space between them.
When you arrive at Rose’s apartment, you find her asleep on the couch.
Yes, something feels very different.
It’s a beautiful day in the Carapace Kingdom, just like it was in the Human Kingdom and just like it was in Salamander Village.
Rose’s eyes flutter open to the sound of a heart monitor and the sight of a featureless white ceiling.
You arrive in the Land of Heat and Clockwork in a flash of white.
Your name is JOHN.
Your name is JOHN.
JADE: did you hear that john left his house?
The stands of the Cantown Memorial Arena are packed front to back with audience members from every kingdom.
John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer.
Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord!
John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer.
Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord!
No one is answering the door to Jake’s mansion, so Jane lets herself in.
John: Move green icon to MAGIC CHEST and click.
The icon is not a visibile or tangible entity!
Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST.
Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.
John’s been spending a lot of time with Roxy lately.
The boxing bell is going off like it’s having a fit.
John: Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST.
Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.
John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST.
You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest.
ROSE: Did you hear that Jane had been intending to run for president?
> JOHN: Zap to your final destination.
John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST.
. ------------------------ THANKS FOR PLAYING THE HOMESTUCK BETA!
John: Examine contents of chest.
In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER.
JADE: arent you guys happy to get out of the house for once!!!
If you were one of the haters and fools who saw Lord English’s masterpiece circulating through the black veins of the dark web, and were rendered agog by its majesty, then you probably have a pretty good sense of what happened next.
John: Captchalogue smoke pellets.
You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX.
TEREZI: WH3R3 3V3N 4R3 YOU TEREZI: 4ND WHY H4V3N’T YOU SL1C3D M4K4R4 1N H4LF Y3T JOHN: he smells too bad.
Jane Crocker sweeps into her office with grace befitting her station and slams the door shut behind her.
John: Equip fake arms.
You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.
Dave grabs the sleeve of John’s tux in his sweaty palm, and the two of them fly to the top of the nearest tower.
That’s that, you think.
John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster.
Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that?
Jake wakes up to the unfamiliar feeling of a cheek on his chest and a thigh slung over his stomach.
DAVE: so we gotta hit jane right in her neoliberal austerity measures were all agreed on that right KARKAT: UH HUH.
John: Read note on drawer.
This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES.
Dave and Dirk don’t talk that much about the heavy stuff.
John: Take poster.
Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT.
Your name is Dirk Strider, and you know what you must do.
Jake yawns and knocks on the window to Jane’s office again.
John: Acquire hammer and nails.
You first place the HAMMER into your SYLLADEX.
The rain is coming down in sheets.
> John: Fight Lord English.
John: Take nails.
You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card.
JOHN: hey terezi, guess where i am right now?
ROSE: When I was a child, I wrote a novel.
John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.
This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!!!
Three months later, John is still thinking about his last conversation with Terezi.
None of my friends have noticed it yet, but you have.
John: Combine the nails and hammer.
You MERGE the top two cards.
Jane may have stepped away from her pursuit of public office, but it’s important for any educated businesswoman to stay abreast of the political goings-on of her nation.
John: Use hammer/nails on poster.
You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it.
JADE: how cute do you guys think johns baby is going to be JADE: like on a scale of 1-11???
Anyway, back to the B Plot.
John: Nail poster to wall.
You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall.
KARKAT: WOW, SURE FEELS WEIRD TO JUST BE HANGING OUT WITH ALL THESE ASSHOLES WE WERE TOTALLY GOSSIPING ABOUT JUST TWENTY MINUTES AGO.
Jade gasps awake, and begins to spiral.
John: Examine Con Air poster.
PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.
It’s raining again, coming down in a frigid torrent.
DAVE: holy shit thats disgusting KARKAT: DON’T BE A FUCKING XENOPHOBE DAVE: im not being xenophobe Karkat doesn’t respond immediately.
John: Examine Deep Impact poster.
Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.
TEREZI: H3Y JOHN TEREZI: T1M3 FOR YOUR R3GUL4R CH3CKUP H3H3H3 JOHN: oh. hey.
You’ve been drifting so long that you’ve lost the ability to objectively judge time or depth or distance.
John: Examine calendar.
You've marked your birthday, the 13th of April.
ROXY: honey u ready to go?
KANAYA: Why Are You With Rose KANAYA: What Is Going On DIRK: Why would you think something was going on?
John: Eat cake.
You are sick to death of cake!!!
JADE: the timelines are interacting again.
The server Meenah fled through is a distant speck now.
John: Examine incoming message.
You pull up to your COMPUTER.
KARKAT: SWIFER KARKAT: SWIFER CAN YOU...
ROSE: Customarily, we speak in favorable terms about “getting to know each other” as people.
John: Open Pesterchum.
Only one of your CHUMS is logged in.
John stares at his phone for a while, thumb pressed to the space just below the “send message” button.
Jade kicks her shoeless feet behind her slowly, as if she’s swimming with the current of the gravitational waves pulling her ever closer to their source.
John: Open message.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 -- TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.
Ten years have gone by.
And then, she opens her eyes.
John: Look out window.
You see the view of your yard from your window.
That being said, it’s very rude, all things considered, for Karkat to start a war on Harry Anderson’s birthday.
JOHN: uh, how long have you been watching?
John: Examine mailbox.
The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up!
The elevator to jane’s office opens, and she stumbles inside. the last traces of trickster mode are bleeding off her aura. the great gift of this sacred boon has run its course for the evening, and though she is not as grateful as she should be, she nevertheless acknowledges the extraordinary benefit it has afforded her with a slight nod to the mirror. she pulls a hand through her hair, watching in the reflection as the last of the pink coloration fades to black.
John: Go outside and check mailbox.
You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway.
As Jake traverses the length of Jane’s ship, he suspects he has never carried more dread in his heart than he does in this moment.
JAKE: Ah chaps dont you love to take a rigorous jaunt about the wilds first thing in the morning, middle thing in the day, and last thing in the evening?
John: Forget it.
If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time.
VRISKA: John, I need to see!
Terezi is munching her way through another tin of human fatherly tobacco as john crawls into the back seat. this has been their ritual for several days. precisely how many, they couldn’t say. between her frequent naps and his diligence in keeping a lookout for any additional survivors, they have been losing track of time. john, eyes unfocused, stares at the expanse of nothingness. perhaps he imagines it, but it seems as if the emptiness itself is curving against the staggering weight of the black hole they orbit.
John: Examine games on CD rack.
You've put countless manhours into this assortment of quality titles.
(Vriska) grabs Gamzee by the front of his shirt and yanks him down, her hot, furious breath brushing his disgusting face.
Roxy is nervously dialing rose’s number repeatedly. then they try kanaya. considering rose’s failing health, roxy hates to bother her, but they aren’t sure who else to call regarding jade’s unexpected trance. their finger hovers over dirks number for a moment, but... no. that would not be a good idea. they don’t know why they suddenly think it’s a bad idea. it just is.
John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT.
You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom.
John looks up to see Rose waving at him while hanging out the hatch of a troll cruiser.
Speaking of meat, holy shit.
John: Captchalogue fake arms again.
What did you just say??
VRISKA: Hey, Harry Anderson, guess where I am!
Speaking of giving it everything you got, here comes Jake McGee, about to pop his pistols off in front of a whole crowd of Karkat’s progressively prismatic proletarian partisans.
John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully".
You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way.
While John dealt with the sight by immediately turning and walking away, and the Earth Vriska dove into a nearby bush for safety, Vriska is contending with her predicament through willful denial.
You zap back to Earth C with the last of your energy.
John: Answer chum.
TG: is it there TG: plz say yes TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.
The moment John caught a proper glance of (Vriska) and Gamzee going at it in the bushes, he was done.
So it turns out that “home” is an entirely abstract concept.
John: Combine fake arms with cake.
You stick the FAKE ARMS in the CAKE on your bed.
Because (Vriska) only spent a few minutes on Prospit before her dream self was whisked away to the Battlefield the moment she ascended to her god tier form, she never exactly got to enjoy Prospit life as much as some of her friends did.
We make a quick stop back at Rose’s apartment.
John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus.
You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it.
Roxy tugs at a piece of hair behind her ear with one hand as she checks the time on her phone with the other.
But before we get completely out of dodge, there’s one more trifling matter I’d better take care of.
John: Select "HAMMER".
Your STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS.
On the other side of the continent, somewhere along the border between the Human and Troll Kingdoms, Dave and Jade navigate a densely jungled region.
I’m inside Jake’s mansion.
John: Report progress to TG.
EB: ok, i did it.
From atop the tallest bell tower in the Carapace Kingdom, the sky looks like something painted by a crazy person.
Kanaya Maryam is single and ready to mingle.
John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book.
Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.
Elsewhere, beyond the horizon...
She’s right, of course.
John: Examine GameBro Magazine.
ROXY: so uhhh ROXY: dirk needs to be stopped from ROXY: doin what again?
Later that night, jade has been moved from the hospital to the troll kingdom. she now sits in a wheelchair, remaining in perfect silence with her dark eyes open to maintain my transmission. roxy and kanaya rolled her into the living room of dave and karkat’s hive earlier that evening. this is where they all sit now, discussing the day’s troubling events.
John: Captchalogue GameBro.
It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily.
Elsewhere, below the horizon...
John: Captchalogue magician's hat.
You expend your final card on the MAGICIAN'S HAT.
John: Get funny glasses too.
You don't have a free card in your SYLLADEX!
John: Wear disguise to fool dad.
John: Leave room.
You exit into the HALLWAY.
John: Go downstairs.
The accursed odor of fresh baking wafts into your newfound nostrils.
John: Admire harlequins.
You check out the shelves of FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.
John: Examine fireplace.
A bright orange flame flickers in the FIREPLACE.
John: Toss GameBro into fire.
It doesn't burn as quickly as you hoped.
John: Fondly regard cremation.
You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed NANNA'S ASHES.
John: Topple urn.
You clumsily mishandle the SACRED URN.
John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise.
You think now would be a good time to beef up your CLEVER DISGUISE.
John: Examine oversized gift.
Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time.
John: Open large present.
Oh hell no.
John: Captchalogue ashes.
First you prop the HARLEQUIN DOLL up on the couch.
John: Combine ashes with urn.
You merge the SACRED URN with the ASHES.
John: Put urn back.
No one will be the wiser.
John: Go get fake arms again.
You just got another BRILLIANT idea for something to do with those pointless arms.
John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room.
John: Check Pesterchum.
Another one of your chums is messaging you.
John: Check message.
TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.
John: Go back downstairs.
You can now execute that brilliant idea you had.
John: Attach arms to doll.
John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor.
You put this back in the fire where it belongs.
John: Throw present wrap in fire.
As long as you're cleaning up...
John: Captchalogue doll.
You can carry hefty items, but that thing is just way too big.
John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text.
You thought about consulting the text to determine exactly how hilarious the doll is now.
John: Find dad and retrieve mail.
The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the smell of baking wafts -- a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet.
John: Go in the study.
It doesn't look like he's in here right now.
John: Examine father's desk.
On the desk is a DECK OF PLAYING CARDS, one of your DAD'S PIPES, the April issue of THE SERIOUS JESTER magazine, and a stray CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.
John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack.
You swap the MAGICIAN'S HAT with the BOWLER HAT.
John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise.
Your DAD maintains numerous pipes around the household.
John: Examine captchalogue card.
John: Captchalogue captchalogue card.
[S] John: Play haunting piano refrain.
(Pages including sound will be preceded by [S] in the command.)
John: Play 52 Pick-Up.
You play the prankster's favorite card game, even though you are alone in the room, thus rendering it an especially foolish version of Solitaire.
John: Attempt to leave the house.
You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking the mailbox outside.
You exit the house.
John: Check mail.
Predictably, the mailbox is empty.
The streets are empty.
John: Leave a surprise for the mailman.
John: See if your father left the mail in the car.
The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS.
John: Spy in the kitchen.
You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can't see a whole lot!
John: Go back into the kitchen.
You have no other choice.
Your DAD sees right through your costume!
John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room!
You cannot ABSCOND!
John: Equip disguise for defense.
The BEAGLE AEGIS absorbs the brunt of the treat.
John: Captachalogue pie tin.
You take PIE TIN and unequip the BEAGLE PUSS.
John: Take the cake!
"When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield."
Sassacre you beautiful bastard.
Now that DAD is busy placating the SMOKE DETECTOR, you can safely sneak away.
John: Take PDA.
You snag your DAD'S PDA.
John: Take package.
This RED PACKAGE is addressed to you.
John: Take envelope.
You got the SBURB BETA!!!
John: Get cake on couch.
You captchalogue the CAKE on the couch, expelling the PIE TIN from the bottom card.
John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake.
You then merge the two CAKES across all five cards.
John: Retreat upstairs!
You pause at the juncture and head down the hall.
John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel.
You enter the BATHROOM.
John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake.
You take the RAZOR and use it to perform surgery on the CAKE.
John: Retrieve your items.
The items force the MANHANDLED CAKE into the TOILET.
John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster.
You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.
[S] John: Check Pesterchum.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 -- GG: hi happy birthday john!!!!!
John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com
You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.
The new adventure is ok, but you're not sure if you like it as much as the last one.
John: Install the Sburb beta.
You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.
What the fuck is this.
John: Bone up on data structures.
You go to your CLOSET, where you keep a lot of clothes and an array of handy COMPUTER PROGRAMMING GUIDES.
John: Read Data Structures book.
You're not sure you really want to dig into this huge tome.
John: Get free Fetch Modus.
You turn to the back inside cover, where a free FETCH MODUS is included in a plastic sleeve.
John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex.
Items captchalogued in your SYLLADEX are no longer immediately accessible.
John: Switch back to Stack Modus.
You suddenly wonder if this is even possible.
John: Put down razor.
John: Pick up two items.
You captchalogue one of the CAKES.
John: Get other cake.
The second CAKE causes the RAZOR to launch out the front of your SYLLADEX.
John: Get more stuff.
You open your MAGIC CHEST and captchalogue one of your favorite books of all time, WISE GUY BY MIKE CAVENEY.
John: Might as well grab those cuffs.
You take the TRICK HANDCUFFS, expelling the PDA like a bullet.
John: Open up that package!
You examine the package.
John: Pick up package again.
Let's take this from the top.
John: Captchalogue glass shards.
You take three GLASS SHARDS in quick succession and duck for cover.
You should probably go get that stuff before you forget.
John: Use the razor on the red package.
You open the package.
It is a STUFFED BUNNY.
John: Check status of Sburb beta.
It looks like your computer is trying to get your attention.
John: Check Pesterchum window.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 -- TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta.
[Mouseover the interface buttons.
TT: Drop chest.
EB: whoa, what are you doing??
John: Get the card.
You find your missing STACK FETCH MODUS, and quickly reapply it to your SYLLADEX.
It looks like your DAD is leaving again for more baking supplies.
TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room.
EB: hey, do you think you could do me a favor?
TT: Select John.
You cannot select a PLAYER!
TT: Put the bunny back in the box.
TT: Open Phernalia Registry.
John: Examine Totem Lathe.
You don't know what the heck this thing does, but it looks neat!
TT: Open Grist Cache
TT: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist".
TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner?
TT: Deploy Alchemiter.
EB: why is the floor shaking?
John: Get PDA.
You grab the PDA, switching back to STACK MODUS so it is readily accessible.
John: Install Pesterchum.
This should be useful.
John: Go out to balcony.
EB: hey, i'm out on the balcony now.
John: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner.
You have no idea what to do with this thing.
John: Look through telescope.
It is a clear, sunny day.
TT: Grab the soiled toilet.
EB: what was that noise?
John: Hop down the hole.
You jump down to the UTILITY ROOM.
John: Get sledgehammer and card.
You take the SLEDGEHAMMER and the CAPTCHALOGUE CARD, combine the two, and quickly apply it to your STRIFE SPECIBUS.
It looks like another one of your chums is pestering you on your PDA.
John: Answer chum.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:25 -- GG: john did you get my package??
John: Might as well check out the Cruxtruder.
EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?
John: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder.
When you turn the wheel, something seems to be pushing up from underneath the lid.
TT: Put bathtub in driveway.
On the tub's journey to the driveway, the connection is interrupted.
John: Scold TT.
EB: you can see me, right.
John: Hit Cruxtruder with sledgehammer.
TT: Need some help?
TT: Pick up sledgehammer.
EB: what is this thing?
John: Turn wheel again.
You extrude ONE (1) CRUXITE DOWEL.
John: Get cruxite.
TT: I feel like we should be hurrying.
TT: Deploy Pre-punched Card.
John: Get card.
A SHARD OF GLASS is expelled from the deck and maims the HARLEQUIN DOLL.
John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins.
You take TWO (2) FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.
EB: this thing keeps following me around.
TT: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite.
The KERNELSPRITE has been prototyped with the HARLEQUIN DOLL.
EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.
John: Use pre-punched card with the alchemiter.
There is no slot for a card anywhere to be found on the ALCHEMITER!
TT: Explore Atheneum.
Acquiring a CRUXITE DOWEL seems to have populated the ATHENEUM with one item: a PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECT.
John: Captchalogue telescope.
You snatch the TELESCOPE from its TRIPOD.
John: Put cruxite on weird pattern on alchemiter.
You place the CRUXITE DOWEL on the ALCHEMITER'S small pedestal.
You set the ALCHEMITER to cast THREE (3) PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of BUILD GRIST.
John: Switch modus and use telescope to inspect sky.
You switch back to STACK MODUS and get a closer look with your TELESCOPE.
You're no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective.
John: High-five Kernelsprite.
You figure you've left him hanging long enough.
John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist.
It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers.
TT: Your dad is getting home.
John: Run to your room and contact TT through Pesterchum.
Two chums have been trying to message you.
John: Answer chums.
TT: I'm working on the bathroom.
John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe.
You slip the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into a slot on the TOTEM LATHE.
John: Take cruxite to totem lathe.
Cursing your lack of foresight, you return to the BALCONY for the CRUXITE DOWEL you left on the pedestal.
You retrieved the CRUXITE DOWEL.
John: Use cruxite dowel on totem lathe.
You clamp the CRUXITE in the lathe.
John: Activate lathe.
The lathe carves ONE (1) TOTEM.
EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.
A young lady stands in her bedroom.
No, that wasn't it!
Your name is ROSE.
Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box.
The PURPLE PACKAGE'S contents are private!
Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed.
Ugh, what a terrible idea!
Rose: Stroke writing journal and mutter, 'My precious...'
You would only resort to such an embarrassing activity while no one was watching!!!
Rose: Get violin.
You captchalogue the VIOLIN, storing it the ROOT CARD of your SYLLADEX.
[S] Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin.
You waste approximately 40 seconds playing the violin while your friend is in peril.
John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact.
Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv.
Rose: Captchalogue knitting supply bag.
You get the KNITTING BAG.
Rose: Look out window.
Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, JASPERS, who died when you were young.
Rose: Get laptop.
You take your LAPTOP and prepare to make the journey through the house.
Rose: Examine book on desk.
This book is absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of your ilk.
Rose: Take book.
You take the GRIMOIRE.
Rose: Go explore the house.
You leave your BEDROOM.
Rose: Tiptoe to observatory.
You approach a juncture in the hallway.
This door leads up to the OBSERVATORY.
Rose: Go through door.
The door opens to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance.
Rose: Hurry up to that observatory.
Rose: Try to connect!
You first put your LAPTOP down on the floor to get it situated.
Rose: See what you can observe.
You're in a hurry, sure, but that doesn't mean you can't take moment to peek through the HUGE TELESCOPE.
Rose: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation.
You'll need every advantage you can get.
Rose: Access laboratory wifi network.
There are several signals being broadcasted from the LABORATORY, each of relatively decent strength.
Rose: Remove door from hinges.
There goes the rest of your BUILD GRIST.
Rose: Put bathtub back.
You probably should have just done this in the first place.
John: Take totem to alchemiter.
Got to get those stupid blocks out of the way first!
Rose: Remove blocks.
You store the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS in your PHERNALIA REGISTRY, potentially to be deployed at a later time.
[S] John: Take bite of apple.
Years in the future, but not many...
A WAYWARD VAGABOND records a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust.
What is left of the SPRITE undergoes a mysterious transformation.
BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND.
For the last time, this boy's name is John!!!
You go back up to your bedroom, tiptoeing around this weird petroleum-based sludge.
FIRST, TAKE THE FABRIC ITEM ON THE FLOOR THERE.
DO AS THE PURPLE TEXT SAYS.
John makes his way to the balcony per your awkwardly-worded request.
You whimsically decide to captchalogue the TOTEM which was used to create the APPLE TREE earlier.
John cannot do anything with the GRIST as of this moment!
Yes, that will suffice.
Rose expends the GRIST to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA.
JOHN RUN ACROSS PRECARIOUS PLATFORM SWIFTLY.
John isn't sure about that.
BOY I SAID MAKE HASTE ON THE NARROW CATWALK!
John is very nervous about the idea, and the strident tone of your commands is starting to make him a little upset!
You cautiously walk within range of the PDA.
NOW TAKE IT.
You grab the PDA, launching one of the HARLEQUIN FIGURINES into the night.
Just one ==> command will suffice.
THESE BORING MEN ARE UNINTERESTING.
TT: John, are you ok?
Now you're just being a pest.
Years in the future, but not many...
An unsealed tunnel welcomes hot desert air into its stagnant depths.
In the distance, meteorites fall with greater frequency.
Rose: Check status of battery.
Your LAPTOP BATTERY is alright for now, but it won't be for long.
Rose: Prototype sprite with Betty Crocker box.
The SPRITE is playing hard to get!
DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD.
Pipe down, you.
Rose: Prototype sprite with Sassacre text.
EB: OH YES, SWEET!!
JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER.
The SPRITE finds the DISTRACTING MANNER in which you FLAIL ABOUT to be rather DISTRACTING.
The pesky SPRITE eludes you again!
In the other room, NANNA'S ASHES dump onto the SPRITE, which is caught unawares by the dousing.
INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT.
You find the SACRED URN toppled again.
Rose: Remove cruxtruder from doorway.
EB: aw man, where'd it go?
DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS SAY.
You are about to head upstairs, but you thought you heard something behind you.
IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS.
You're not sure you even saw a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics.
INDULGE THE DEVICE.
TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!
ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT.
You head out to the balcony to find out what Rose has in mind.
THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE RED TEXT.
TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.
You're inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happen.
WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS?
GG: im back!
THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE.
TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption" TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned EB: aaaaaarrrgh!
Your LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER.
Rose: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain.
That would be such a waste of time!
Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus.
That would be incredibly ill-advised!
Rose: Recaptchalogue your items!
You grab the KNITTING BAG and the GRIMOIRE, in that order.
Rose: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus.
You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon.
You lose the ROOT CARD in the process, severing the tree.
Rose: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves.
That would also be a preposterous waste of time!!!
Rose: Consult the grimoire.
FLUTHLU, FOUL PATRICIAN OF MISERY.
And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD.
And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE.
And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures.
Rose: Take items and proceed downstairs.
You re-captchalogue everything the way you want it to appear in the tree, and head downstairs.
You wonder if this rain will ever let up.
Rose: Confront mother in hall.
Surely your mother is lurking nearby.
There's this really cool dude, ok?
This guy doesn't have time for this sort of bullshit.
Your name is DAVE.
Dave: Quickly retrieve arms from cinderblocks.
Dave: Get the damn beta and save your friend's life!
This notion strikes you as nonsensical.
Dave: Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable.
You would never consider allowing any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch your beloved TURNTABLES.
You will however contemplate bleating like a goat for IRONICALLY HUMOROUS purposes at a later date.
Dave: Examine closet.
This is your closet.
Dave: Check the blue box.
This is the package that your friend John Egbert sent you for your 13th birthday a little while ago.
Dave: Take box.
You captchalogue the BOX through your HASH MAP FETCH MODUS.
Dave: Examine jar of unknown yellow substance in the closet.
Oh hell yes.
Dave: Take juice.
You captchalogue the JUICE into card 7. 2+1+1+2+1 %10 = 7.
Dave: Access Pesterchum and pester John.
In addition to letting your buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, you figure you'll wish him a happy birthday while you're at it.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:13 -- TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.
Dave: Go online and view sites indicative of your interests.
You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE.
In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog.
Dave: Check the latest page of the Midnight Crew.
You figure as long as you're chilling at your computer you might as well see how that new MSPA story is going.
"You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew.
Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes.
"Spades Slick uses OCCAM'S RAZOR to carve a circular hole into the HEIST PLANS, freeing it from the knife.
SS: Climb ladder and exit hideout.
"You push against the MANHOLE COVER, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your GETAWAY VAN on top of it.
Dave: Skip ahead a hundred pages or so.
You don't remember where you last left off, so you jump way ahead.
Dave: Save your place, read it later.
Even though the adventure began recently, it's already over 3000 pages long.
Dave: Answer chum.
TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.
JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Meanwhile in the present, in a place where the present may be a concept of dubious merit, John is spacing out.
A thick, unpleasant fluid pools from beneath the door.
There is a trail of this fluid in the hall leading to your room.
Dave: Play some hauntingly sick beats.
You've had enough of the computer for a while.
Left knob: volume for current sample.
Dave: Take sip of the apple juice, despite what John said.
Those beats were so fresh they belong in the produce aisle, is what you're talkin' about.
You re-captchalogue the JUICE.
Dave: Allocate sword to strife specibus.
Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is already allocated with the BLADEKIND ABSTRATUS!
Dave: Captchalogue sword.
The NINJA SWORD (2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2 = 17 % 10 = 7) occupies the same card as the JUICE (2+1+1+2+1 = 7 % 10 = 7), expelling the JUICE from your SYLLADEX.
Dave: Get a towel or something!
You head out to get a TOWEL from the bathroom across the hall.
You enter the bathroom.
Dave: Captchalogue damp towel.
You take the DAMP TOWEL (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+1+2 = 15 % 10 = 5), expelling the BOX (2+1+2 = 5 % 10 = 5).
Dave: Search the bathroom for something slightly less damp.
Nah, you just decide to wring this towel out into the toilet to make it less damp.
Dave: Take towel.
You take the TOWEL, and grab the BOX again while you're at it.
Dave: Clean up the juice.
You CLEAN (2+2+1+1+2 = 8) up the juice with the TOWEL and hang the damp BETA ENVELOPES on your line to dry off.
In the breeze of the FAN, the betas jostle near the OPEN WINDOW.
Dave: Turn off the fan.
The crisis is easily averted.
You should probably go pester Egbert again.
Suddenly a RAMBUNCTIOUS CROW flies in the open window and snatches the beta, possibly to make a nest with, or maybe just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.
You accidentally launch your NINJA SWORD.
No one can ever know about this.
Dave: Look out window.
Yeah, you can kiss all that stuff goodbye.
You prepare to descend the stairs to your living room.
You find this grisly abomination utterly detestable.
Rose: Psychoanalyze mother's love of wizards.
There is nothing to psychoanalyze.
Rose: Go downstairs to the kitchen back door.
You descend to the living room area of your home's expansive open layout.
Rose: View Mother's solid copper vacuum statue.
Ok, but it's bronze, not copper!
Rose: Grab the Eldritch Princess.
It's too big to captchalogue!
Rose: Acquire umbrella for protection from elements.
U > L.
Rose: Peek inside kitchen.
The LIQUOR BOTTLES are out in full force.
Rose: Investigate richly colored object in middle of screen.
That would be your REFRIGERATOR, whose surfaces have customarily served as the battlefield for a chilly siege of PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE one-upmanship.
Using the colorful MAGNET LETTERS, you recently left a succinct message, which may or may not have been directed toward anyone in particular.
Your mother then purchased a fresh pack of W's and left them there for your convenience.
But part of it was touching the floor, so your mother was kind enough to lift the lower portion of the document with a VELVET PILLOW.
Rose: Attach a W to face as a fake moustache.
This is incredibly silly, and you're not sure how it fits into your campaign against your mother, OR getting your computer back online to escape your doom!
Rose: Captchalogue W.
W > L.
But that unsightly void in the W pack won't do, nor will the gash in the plastic.
Rose: Think of ways to one-up mother.
You now wonder how to address the pillow situation.
Rose: Captchalogue velvet pillow.
You decide to take the VELVET PILLOW and lovingly embroider a poem in praise of MOTHERHOOD on it.
And just like that, the UMBRELLA becomes accessible in the ROOT CARD.
Rose: Head out the back door.
Ok, enough's enough.
You don't know how she does that.
Rose: Hop over counter, landing in a roll.
This bird's gotta fly!
Lousy goddamn stupid wizards.
Meanwhile, in the past again.
You're almost done patching up the hole in your window with the GAFFER TAPE.
Dave: Answer chum.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:36 -- GG: hi dave!!
Dave: Get phone.
It will be handy to have your PHONE (2+2+1+2+1 = 8%10 = 8) on standby so you won't always have to go back to your computer whenever someone pesters you.
JOHN, PURSUE ADVERSARY INTO THAT ROOM.
And even meanerwhile, in the present.
THIS CHUM WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
TG: alright TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game EB: oh, good!
[S] Rose: Youth roll right out the front door.
It looks like MOM has satisfied her [S] STRIFE!
Rose: First, be the pony.
You can't be this stupid pony, and frankly you can't imagine why anyone would want to!
JOHN TURN AROUND!!!!!
You're TRYING to read, ok?
Fine, you'll interrupt your reading and turn around, but you don't see what could possibly be so oh my god it's a monster.
You leave through the back door.
You regather your items and begin the soggy trek mausoleum-ward.
[S] GET UP JOHN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR SLUMBER.
Rose: Forget the W and make haste to the mausoleum.
Retrieving the W never even crossed your mind.
[S] JOHN, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON AND FIGHT ON!
Now why couldn't he put the bunny back in the box?
The amazing victory allows you to scale the first two ACHIEVEMENT RUNGS on your ECHELADDER.
By expanding your CACHE LIMIT, you've made room for all that nice grist you just collected.
WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD.
It seems the SHALE IMP had allocated the BUNNY to its STRIFE SPECIBUS.
You group the two SPECIBI in your STRIFE PORTFOLIO.
GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER.
Oddly enough, it seems breaking the SLEDGEHAMMER altered the ABSTRATUS from HAMMERKIND to HANDLEKIND, even going as far as expelling the head of your smaller HAMMER from your deck to force compliance.
NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER.
You merge the SLEDGEHAMMER HEAD with its HANDLE, and return it to your STRIFE DECK, repairing the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS in the process.
Dave is pestering you.
Rose: Hurry and activate the generator!
You fire up the GENERATOR and drag a cord into the MAUSOLEUM.
Rose: Defile tomb.
Rose: Plug in your laptop.
You plug in your LAPTOP and connect to the internet signal again.
THE DOOR, JOHN.
HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!
[S] WHAT THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS
Rose: Pester John.
TG: oh there you are TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what TT: No.
INTERROGATE THIS MADWOMAN.
JOHN: um... nanna?
NANNASPRITE: Your father was kidnapped!
[S] GO ON.
NANNASPRITE: Above The Medium, beyond The Seven Gates, residing at the core of The Incipisphere is a place known as Skaia.
NANNASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate.
A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN.
JOHN: wow, really?
JOHN: ok, i think i get it now!
NANNASPRITE: Your planet is done for, dear!
YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT THAT.
NANNASPRITE: John, you are such a good boy!
THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES.
Oh God dammit, that's just what you need.
JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES.
You totally abjure the hell out of that idea.
Rose: Hit John in the head with box to get his attention.
You give John a swift drubbing in the noggin, but he is undeterred!
Perhaps you will take this spare moment to contemplate the Nannasprite's strange tale.
Oh is that so, Jaspers?
You refuse outright!
THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE.
Well when you put it so politely, how can John decline??
JOHN YOU ARE STUPID.
You really need to work on your manners.
STUPID STUPID DUMB
That's not a command.
FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy
It's just not going to happen buddy!
Years in the future...
But really not enough to write home about.
She's not finished with this yet!
Months in the past, but not many...
GG: hi happy birthday rose!!!
Dave: Get katana.
You captchalogue your KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9%10 = 9) and prepare to venture out into the apartment to retrieve your BRO's copy of the game.
[S] Dave: Retrieve dead bird.
Dude, that bird is long gone.
Dave: Exit your room, and go into the living room.
Sorry little dude, coming through.
Dave: Hastily enter the room with wild abandon.
You barge in and see a familiar face.
You stand in the living room.
Dave: Pity da fool.
It's your brother's MR.
Dave: Find Lil' Cal and give fistbumps.
CAL's nowhere in sight.
Dave: Play a game on the Xbox.
It looks like your BRO was playing.
Oh there you are dude.
Dave: Resist great urge to play Bro's Xbox.
You fail to resist the urge.
Dave: Give Lil' Cal a bro fistbump.
Aw man you almost forgot.
Dave: Check out your BRO's sweet gear.
Your BRO has so much sweet gear it's hard to keep up with it all sometimes.
Dave: Look at your brother's computer.
Your BRO's computer is password protected of course to protect all the incredible top secret shit he's got on the burners.
You enter the password.
Dave: Open Complete Bullshit.
This is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
Dave: Check if Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff has a sweet update.
Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his.
Dave: Mouse over the orange stripe containing PlushRump.
Another one of your BRO's many ironic websites.
Dave: Stop wasting time and look for Bro's beta.
You guess you've messed around on his computer long enough.
Dave: Give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump.
You are sort of starting to flip the fuck out.
Dave: Pester John to ease your nerves.
You get Egbert on the line again to give him the lowdown on your progress.
TG: hey what is up TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it TG: where are you man TG: anyway TG: things are cool here TG: totally cool TG: puppets are still awesome TG: no problems with them or anything TG: like TG: just TG: really really awesome
Looks like Rose is finally logged in again.
Dave: Pester Rose.
TG: oh there you are TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what TT: No.
Seconds in the future, but not many...
TT: John, what are you doing?
Rose: Deploy the Punch Designix.
TT: John, whenever you read this, you should know I put the shale you collected to use and finally deployed the Punch Designix.
TT: Also, I should probably warn you that your house and yard are completely infested with monsters now.
John: Rebuild the claw hammer and return it to specibus.
You are getting way better at this sort of thing.
John: Confront Pogo Ride to prepare yourself for Nanna.
Thank God your sanity has returned so you can entertain extremely rational, coherent thoughts like this one.
Those sons of bitches.
Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.
Rose: Use pogo ride to fling grist through window.
Doesn't look like that GRIST is going anywhere.
Rose: Drop pogo ride in John's bathroom.
John: Get grist.
TT: There you go.
Piano: Level up for slaying the imp.
The piano in its valiant effort has unfortunately been slain.
Rose: It's time to build.
TT: Nanna said to build, so that's what I'm doing.
TT: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.
Rose: Use build grist to construct observation tower on roof
Ok, you obviously don't have enough grist yet for something that ambitious.
John: Check cabinets for imps or useful items.
No imps in here.
John: Bring 2 cans of shaving cream.
You captchalogue two cans of SHAVING CREAM just in case.
John: Ride pogo ride.
It's a little cramped in here for any sort of proper reckless pogoing.
The TOWEL floats back down to the rack.
Rose: Check up on Nannaquin, see what's cookin'!
John: Make your way to the study.
It looks like the imps have taken a shining to the CRUXTRUDER.
John: Ride Slimer pogo and one-up that imp.
Well ok, it's not a Slimer pogo, but you mount it anyway and brandish your deadly armaments.
John: Ride your steed to victory.
This is incredibly dangerous!
John: Flip the fuck out.
Let's see how they like the old doublebarrel latherblaster WHOOPS OH SHIT.
mister john, respectfully ask that you please stand up.
DON'T MOVE OR THE POGO GETS IT
now sir boy, flee from this boorish rabble post haste.
Refrigerator: Level up for slaying the imp.
The REFRIGERATOR skyrockets up the ECHELADDER to a new rung: FIVESTAR GENERAL ELECTRIC and earns 285 BOONDOLLARS.
well done, john. polite congratulations.
For some reason you feel a sense of positive reinforcement.
now my civil fellow, i have a well mannered query to ask
TT: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix.
Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.
john might i bother you for a can opener?
Oblivious to the commotion behind you, suddenly you find yourself pondering the whereabouts of a CAN OPENER.
John is completely unresponsive.
Years in the future...
But let's not get totally carried away here.
http://tinyurl.com/0413sprite http://tinyurl.com/0413power http://tinyurl.com/0413internet http://tinyurl.com/0413build http://tinyurl.com/0413prototype http://tinyurl.com/0413disconnect http://tinyurl.com/0413nanna http://tinyurl.com/0413weirdo http://tinyurl.com/0413designix http://tinyurl.com/0413grist http://tinyurl.com/0413up http://tinyurl.com/0413steed http://tinyurl.com/0413barbasolbandit http://tinyurl.com/0413really http://tinyurl.com/0413hmm
Rose: Construct loft above John's room.
TT: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.
fellow john, it appears we have reached an impasse
Yes, it seems so.
the opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately
It is unfortunate.
but it has been a pleasure nonetheless.
Thanks for the courtesy.
thank you so very very much, dear favorable small primate
i shall take my leave now john. until next time
Wait, where did all this sweet loot come from?
John: Gather grist, examine designix.
Feeling especially economical with your behavior suddenly, you scoop up all the grist in the room, and turn your attention to the PUNCH DESIGNIX all in one fell swoop.
Rose: Answer Dave.
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass TT: What is the specific problem?
John: Observe back of the first visible captchalogue card.
You flip over the top card containing your POGO RIDE.
John: Examine reverse side of hammer card in strife specibus
Looks like cards from your STRIFE DECK have codes too.
John: Enter captcha code as seen on back of pogo ride card.
You enter the code "DQMmJLeK" into the KEYBOARD.
John: Type in nZ7Un6BI
In the interest of due diligence, you enter the other code and repeat the process with that card too.
John: Attempt to retrieve pogo from card.
Oh, well that should just be a simple matter of...
John: Mash keys heedlessly.
Not quite through with your cowboy empiricism just yet, you mash at the KEYBOARD to generate a random code.
You figure you might as well burn the SHAVING CREAM since the product is not exactly at a premium in your household.
You punch the card with a pattern that is in no way related to the code for the item it contains.
Unfortunately, you just burned another card in the process.
John: Answer your chums.
TG: PUPPETS TG: AWESOME TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER -- turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS -- TT: John, I'm about to throw a bath tub through your wall.
EB: wow, that was so totally unnecessary!
EB: so why didn't you just build a way up through that hole into my dad's room?
Rose: Move punched cards to John's room.
Rose: Drag some cruxite dowels up to John's room.
John: Collect grist, examine safe.
You swoop up the bountiful supply of grist generated by your co-player's recent exploits.
John: Examine family tome of humour.
It's another copy of COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY.
John: Examine contents of safe.
You take a look at the other book.
It seems he has been collecting scraps from the news over the years.
John: Look at the piece of paper taped to the wall.
John: Turn the card over.
You guess this is the combination to the safe.
John: Examine back of captchalogue card on floor.
You guess these are all zeros?
John: Captchalogue the card.
John: Enter code on back of card into designix.
John: Punch card.
TT: Wait, John, before you punch that.
John: Throw hat down in disgust.
John: Captchalogue punched captchalogued captchalogue card.
John: Take PDA.
The two card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.
Colonel Sassacre: Level up for slaying the imp.
The Colonel soars to new heights on his ECHELADDER, reaching the rung: ONE MAN JULEP VACUUM, and pockets 9550 BOONDOLLARS.
Bathtub: Level up for slaying the imp.
The BATHTUB surges heroically and surpasses the rung: ARCHIMEDES' AQUACRADLE, proceeding directly to vaunted rung: TAFT-JAMMER.
Safe: Level up for slaying the imp.
The SAFE was slain in battle.
John: Make your way up those stairs, posthaste.
You're not sure.
Lousy goddamn stupid stairs!
Dave: Ignore Lil Cal and find the beta.
You wander over to the place where your BRO keeps his sweet turntable gear.
Dave: Take expensive ninja sword.
Dave: Exit your bro's room.
You approach the exit.
Ok, some of this stuff you KNOW he's just leaving around to get under your skin.
Dave: Go into the kitchen.
No sign of BRO in here either.
Dave: Transfer katana to strife specibus.
With an escalating sense of threat, you think it's time you SHIFT (9) your KATANA (9) to your specibus.
Dave: Set Blender to "Mix".
You guess BRO stuck some FAKE BLOOD CAPSULES in that puppet?
You spot one of your BRO'S many WEBCAMS nearby, recording the incident.
Dave: Captchalogue Buster Sword from behind microwave.
This might be the only thing in the whole apartment that's a bigger piece of shit than your own sword.
Dave: Set blender to "Crush Ice".
It's just sort of bouncing around in there.
Dave: Hide evidence in microwave.
See, like, his hobbies are cool and all, and you guess he's got to put his shit SOMEWHERE.
Dave: Grab those fireworks.
You captchalogue all the FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15%10 = 5) the sink has to offer.
Dave: Captchalogue Shurikens.
You grab the SHURIKENS (5) and...
You put the BOX OF FIREWORKS (3) back into card 5 and prepare to start ov...
Dave: Take nunchaku.
You take the NUNCHAKU (3), once again grabbing without thinking ahead.
First you captchalogue the BOX (5) again, while adeptly avoiding the SHURIKEN trap, which you yourself set only moments ago.
You again round up all the FIREWORKS.
Dave: Captchalogue each shuriken individually.
You grab each SHURIKEN (3) one at a time, knocking out those NUNCHAKU.
Dave: Captchalogue nunchucks.
You take the NUNCHUCKS (6).
Dave: Examine fetch modus.
You flip over your FETCH MODUS and check out the back.
Dave: Press EJECT button.
Oh hell no.
Dave: Change to Scrabble Points Hash Modus.
First you program your modus with a SCRABBLE POINTS HASH FUNCTION, adding it to the list.
Dave: Check the box "detect collisions".
Dave: Take the skateboard.
And just what is this guy so happy about?
You take the SKATEBOARD (6).
Dave: Captchalogue the unplugged powercord.
You take the POWER CORD (5)... wait, no.
Dave: Think of a new word for powercord.
You take the BATTERY PACK (8).
Dave: Search for some MAD SNACKS YO.
Oh, it was just Lil' Cal again.
Dave: Open refrigerator.
Oh god more shitty swords.
Dave: Take swords.
The hell with it.
Dave: Use ice maker, it's still hot around here.
You dispense several CHERRY BOMBS.
Where'd the little dude scamper off to this time?
Dave: Captchalogue CHERRY BOMBS.
You go for the CHERRY BOMBS (9) unsuccessfully.
Dave: Take blender.
BLENDER (2) is a pretty simple word, and you can already tell that's not going to work.
Dave: Activate garbage disposal.
Dave: Stuff down mr. purple guy into the garbage disposal.
You're still not sure what he's so happy about, or what he's looking at up there.
While you're at it, you dump the contents of the BLENDER, oops I mean WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER, into the disposal.
Dave: Look up.
It's the hatch to the crawlspace above your apartment.
Dave: Use the turntables and cinderblocks to make a fort.
It's a pretty sweet fort you just made and you're pretty sure your brother would agree.
Dave: Yank cord.
It is time to face your destiny.
Yeah, there was pretty much no way there wasn't going to be a bunch of puppets in there.
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass TT: What is the specific problem?
Dave: Read the note on the hatch.
Dave: Burst out of the puppet pile like "the one".
Dave: Be the other guy.
You are now the other guy.
John: Take dowels and sheets from bed and make a tent.
This is so much fun.
John: Carve a totem of the punched pogo card.
You put the punched card containing the POGO RIDE in the slot, and carve a TOTEM from one of the CRUXITE DOWELS.
John: Repeat process with other cards and dowels.
You use the card containing the code for the HAMMER, as well as the one with the random code you punched over the SHAVING CREAM card for the hell of it.
John: Do same thing with captchalogued captchalogue card.
You make a TOTEM for a CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.
Rose: Collect totems.
You stow the totems in your ATHENEUM.
Rose: Produce captchalogue card.
The ALCHEMITER requires one unit of any type of grist to produce one card.
EB: whoa, did you just make all these??
You create a HAMMER at the expense of 2 units of BUILD GRIST.
You make a POGO RIDE too.
You use the TOTEM carved with the random code.
You figure you might as well put this piece of junk to use.
John: Collect cards.
Using a little strategy, first you grab HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY, then the cards, then your ejected PDA, then the book again to flush the cards into your deck.
John: Turn on "detect collisions".
You flip your FETCH MODI but find no such option.
John: Read book.
You never really understood what Caveney's relation to Anderson was, or why he wrote this book about him.
Oh yeah, that's right.
You overlap two of the punched cards.
John: Put both cards in totem lathe.
You carve another TOTEM using the new combined hole pattern.
John: Take it to the alchemiter.
Oh man, looks like Rose made like a million hammers for some reason.
You got the POGO HAMMER.
John: Practice with new weapon.
TT: What did you do?
John: Attack the nearest imp to test pogo hammer's strength.
You get a vicious rhythmic bouncing combo going and easily slay the imp in one blow.
Rose: Pester John.
EB: hey, that was a pretty, uh...
Rose: Check Alchemy Excursus.
Looks like a sort of index documenting all the known results for punch card alchemy combinations.
Rose: Captchalogue Sburb Server CD.
You eject the disk and captchalogue the SERVER CD.
Rose: Message John the Captcha code.
Oh God damn it.
John: Quickly grab the pogo hammer.
You stick the POGO HAMMER back in your STRIFE SPECIBUS and get ready to kill some more of these pesky little...
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at ??
John: Be the imp.
You be the imp and quickly abscond the fuck outta there!!!
John: Prepare for a boss battle.
You stop being the imp because that was stupid, and scurry over to your MAGIC CHEST that you suddenly remembered was on the roof.
You are being ambushed!
John: Ascend to the highest point of the house.
You go up here.
John: Look down.
You peek over the edge.
It already seems like a long way down to your yard.
John: Turn around...
You are confronted with a pair of enormous foes.
Dave: Stop being the other guy.
You stop being the other guy.
[S] Dave: Ascend to the highest point of the building.
You are now the Wayward Vagabond.
Got em already.
WV: Examine rotten pumpkin.
WV: Check the little red bar.
It appears to be a gauge for a large POWER CELL, perhaps fueled by some type of nuclear reaction.
WV: Captchalogue can of gravy.
WV: Pick up the can of gravy.
You just pick it up.
WV: Use sharp teeth to poke a hole in the lid of the can.
Your teeth are useless for the task!
WV: Attempt to open can with your weak pathetic digits.
Your WEAK PATHETIC DIGITS are not strong enough to penetrate the can!!!
WV: Take the can labeled BEANS.
Ok, you take that too.
WV: Examine can of custard.
The can clearly reads "MUSTARD", a fact of which you were perfectly well aware.
WV: Examine marking on wrist.
You drop all the cans and take a look at your wrist.
It is a sort of specialized BAR CODE PATTERN.
WV: Examine the small potted plant.
WV: Check book on Human Etiquette.
It appears half the pages of this book have been eaten.
You are somewhat skeptical about the nutritional value contained by these pages.
WV: Clear out all the cans inside the purple machine.
You empty the peculiar cabinet and take a quick inventory of your canned goods.
WV: Search room for can opener.
You have already looked all over the place for a CAN OPENER, even making a few electronic inquiries about one, to no avail.
WV: Locate a nearby sharp object.
You wield your TRUSTY KNIFE.
WV: Be the imp.
This means nothing to you.
WV: Become the mayor of Can Town.
As the glorious founder and mayor of CAN TOWN, you erect a dignified, majestic CITY HALL out of cans, fittingly capped off with a tome of good manners for the roof.
You immerse yourself in this beautiful dream as you whittle away the minutes, or perhaps hours.
Mayors are so much better than kings.
WV: Explore west of Can Town.
Over here is the other side of the room.
WV: Use glowing green rock to open cans.
You pick up the nugget of URANIUM and...
WV: Examine box of crayons.
It's chalk numbnuts.
Inside the box, there are 12 pieces of CHALK in every color of the... 10 pieces of chalk.
WV: Try to open the storage box.
WV: Examine contents of yellow container.
The container is full of MOTOR OIL.
WV: Rescue that poor lightning bug.
There is nothing you can do for this new little friend.
WV: Use the chalk to draw some roads.
You sketch a handsome network of sprawling thoroughfares for your citizens to traverse.
WV: Lay a chalk foundation for Can Town's civic growth.
You develop westward, settling those fertile plains and claiming them for your city.
WV: Use your own pee for the commercial zones.
You cannot urinate because you have not had anything to drink in quite some time.
WV: Use motor oil to designate commercial zones.
You fill each empty square with a bit of MOTOR OIL to complete the zoning.
WV: Peel label from can of MAYO and affix to sash.
WV: Survey surroundings in search of more terrain for city.
It seems you have run out of territory for your western expansion.
Using most of your imagination and an entire piece of sky-blue chalk, you render a bright and cheerful sky full of clouds.
Orbiting much further from your city are FOUR PLANETS.
And on the southern wall, beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness, occupying the furthest orbit yet, there is an OMINOUS PLANET.
WV: Check that rampaging boy on the screen.
Oh yeah, it's that guy.
WV: Turn on the other 3 screens.
You have no idea how to turn these on!
WV: Consume several cans.
You free the heavenly brown elixir from the jewels of pink carapace and imbibe like the wind.
WV: Welcome the rest into the city.
The TABS are naturalized as loyal new citizens of CAN TOWN.
WV: Hit escape.
Feeling refreshed and heavily caffeinated, you go back to work on the big computer.
You use the arrow key to scroll up a bit.
You scroll all the way up to your first command.
WV: Type => SWITCH 2.
You activate SCREEN 2.
WV: Type => SWITCH 3.
It's another one of these rapscallions.
WV: Type => HOME.
All four screens activate.
WV: Type => REBOOT.
WV: Be the mayor.
Enough of this nonsense.
WV: Create employment opportunities for the citizen cans.
You temporarily dismantle CITY HALL to free up all the canpower available to create a vigilant TOWN MILITIA.
[S] WV: Lead your men to victory!
You waste more than four hours on this tomfoolery.
WV: Mourn the loss of citizen tab.
Your caffeinated jittering must have agitated all the little bubbles curiously hidden in the liquid, creating too much pressure in the can.
Minutes in the future...
Though perhaps not as few as implied by circumstance...
WV: Go outside and get some sun.
You say a bittersweet goodbye to your beloved city.
The door shuts behind you.
The LCD PANEL appears to have a touchscreen interface.
WV: Curiously prod the funny-looking spirograph.
It appears the funny-looking spirograph room is locked!
The floor rotates a full 360 degrees beneath you, while the surrounding wall seems to stay put.
WV: Select the triangley fractal.
The triangley fractal room does not appear to be locked.
The floor turns 120 degrees and the door opens.
You go through the door to find another room.
Against the opposite wall is some sort of CONTROL PANEL which catches your eye.
WV: Attach your trusty knife to the meter stick.
You immediately craft a MEASURING SPEAR through possibly the most advanced form of alchemy employed thusfar.
Or it WOULD obviously be the most important thing to do if you had remembered to bring your TRUSTY KNIFE.
WV: Look at the other wall.
You examine the perplexing contraption across the room.
WV: Press the triangle pattern.
You go back to the CONTROL PANEL which probably obviously controls that gizmo and you push the big blue button which is obviously probably the most obvious thing to push.
You appearify a PUMPKIN.
WV: Examine pumpkin.
It seems this mysterious gourd was transported (appearified!!!)
WV: Devour pumpkin.
You consider dining on the ripe flesh of the plump vegetable, but your curiosity about the APPEARIFIER gets the better of you.
WV: Inspect green buttons.
You first examine the attractive GREEN BUTTONS.
WV: Press green button on right.
You push the button.
WV: Fiddle with the dials.
One way to find out would be to attempt to appearify something from this facility.
WV: Appearify your trusty knife.
You nudge the coordinates very slightly and bump up the elevation by 0.5 HUMAN MEASUREMENT UNITS.
WV: Appearify Can Town.
You nudge the numbers a bit more and appearify a bunch of cans.
WV: Deappearify the pumpkin.
Does this machine look like a DEAPPEARIFIER to you??
WV: Use trusty knife to carve spook schema in pumpkin.
What the hell are you talking about?
WV: Move spirograph switch.
You cannot move it!
WV: Appearify firefly out of the amber.
You release your blinky new friend.
WV: Adjust time dial to appearify rotten pumpkin.
You and SERENITY consider new ways to waste more time with the APPEARIFIER.
It seems the APPEARIFIER cannot appearify something if it will create a TIME PARADOX.
WV: Appearify the grate over the entrance to the facility.
Serenity blinks a message of urgency.
[S] WV: Hasten to the exit post-haste!
You attempt the rare and highly dangerous 5X CLIFFHANGER COMBO, and fail.
You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man!
ACT 3 ==>
A silly girl naps by her flowers.
You try to roust Farmstink from her slumber, but she is really down for the count!
Retrieve arms from...
THEY'RE RIGHT THERE.
Drop pumpkin on Farmstink.
Your name is JADE.
[S] Jade: Play a silly flute refrain.
Wow, you really suck at this thing!
Jade: Captchalogue flute.
On second thought, it was a perfectly nice flute and there is no reason to take your frustration out on it.
Jade: Set modus.
[rollover above with mouse] You have a wide variety of FETCH MODI to choose from.
Jade: Select Memory.
You set your modus to MEMORY, and captchalogue the FLUTE.
Jade: Squeal like a piglet and fertilize some plants.
It is an awfully silly idea and is basically a waste of everyone's time.
oh my god this is so much fun
You captchalogue the BAG OF FERTILIZER.
Jade: Consult colourful reminders.
You tend to have a lot of things on your mind at once, and you can be a little forgetful.
Jade: Captchalogue the pumpkin growing next to you.
You snap up that PUMPKIN which seems suitably ripe for the taking.
You make your way to the middle of the GARDEN ATRIUM, where a stairwell joins the four ATRIUM WINGS.
Jade: Captchalogue something.
Your MEMORY modus is hardly any fun without much stuff in it, so you decide to stock up on fresh produce to fill some more cards.
You go pick a nice looking KEY LIME.
Then a delicious MANDARIN ORANGE.
And finally a ripe yellow EUREKA LEMON.
Modus fun aside, you feel it is impossible to have too many fresh fruits and vegetables on hand.
Jade: Go upstairs to bedroom.
You almost never use the stairs.
You TRANSPORTALIZE upstairs.
You enter your bedroom.
You are an avid follower of CARTOON SHOWS OF CONSIDERABLE NOSTALGIC APPEAL.
Jade: Explore the other half of your room!
Over here there are yet more articles of your aforementioned INTERESTS, and then some.
And today will likely be no exception.
Jade: Quickly retrieve firearms from wall.
You equip your trusty HUNTING RIFLE.
Jade: Wonder why the design on your shirt changed.
There isn't much to wonder, really.
You may contemplate which shirt design you favor the most and commit to that setting in the near future.
Jade: Captchalogue nearest Squiddles doll and hug it.
Just before you can grab one, the powerful ELECTROMAGNETS concealed in their underbellies become activated, and two of them get all tangled up with each other playfully.
You captchalogue the TANGLE BUDDIES.
Jade: Lose interest in fauna and never speak of it again.
Oh, but you could NEVER do that.
Jade: Pick up your toys!
Speaking of which, you pick up and admire one of your MANTHRO CHAPS.
Jade: Organize all your dolls.
You gather all your dolls into a rather cozy looking pile.
Jade: Change wardrobifier setting.
You deactivate the WARDROBIFIER'S randomization mode and set it to cycle through these three shirt designs.
Jade: Look out window.
It is another beautiful day in your neighborhood.
Jade: Retrieve fursuit from magic chest.
What is this nonsense about fursuits!!!
Jade: Open chest.
Among the FORTUNE TELLING KNICKKNACKS are these items: a CRYSTAL BALL plus compulsory VELVET PILLOW, a TAROT DECK, a MAGIC 8 BALL, a MAGIC CUE BALL, and one of your favorite books of all time, PROBLEM SOOTH.
Jade: Examine magic 8-ball and magic cue ball.
These things are stupid and useless!
The MAGIC CUE BALL on the other hand is said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity.
Jade: Captchalogue refrigerator.
You take the REFRIGERATOR.
Jade: Feed your friend.
Before you go out to feed BEC, you will need to prepare a meal for him.
Just for fun, Jade allows you to take a stab at matching the cards to use the gizmos.
You have selected the KEY LIME.
Take another crack at this.
Congratulations, you advance your matching skill to the new level: YUKON HERO: LEGACY OF THE FROSTBITE AMPUTEE.
Ok, one more time.
If it were known in advance how terrible you were going to be at this matching game, the author may have given second thought to preparing this cool interactive Flash application.
You just deploy the gadgets yourself.
Jade: Stick fruits in the refrigerator to keep them fresh.
These fruits are unlikely to become less impudent any time soon regardless of where they are stored, but you stick them in anyway.
You take a look at the REFRIGERATOR'S rotary interface.
Jade: Press the steak button.
Ok, well it's a rotary dial so there are no buttons to press, but whatever that doesn't really matter.
Jade: Lightly irradiate steak.
He does prefer his steak rare after all.
You captchalogue the IRRADIATED STEAK and save it for your trip outside.
Jade: Examine the atomic bass by your bed.
You wouldn't exactly call it an atomic bass, but it is heavily customized to accommodate a high level of musical virtuosity, the perfect instrument for the eclectically spirited.
You switch your ECLECTIC BASS to its advanced setting.
[S] Jade: Play a hauntingly relaxing bassline.
Jade: Captchalogue bass.
You take the PORTABLE AMP from the WALL SOCKET too.
Jade: Open lunchtop.
You like to make yourself comfy in your plushy pile before getting down to business with your computer.
Jade: Get down to business.
Jade: Activate Pesterchum.
Hey look, John is online!
Jade: Pester John.
You greet John but he does not respond.
Jade: See if Dave left you a sweet new rap.
It does not appear so, but you just never know with that crazy and cool guy.
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 2009-04-12 -- 23:14 TG: hey TG: oh TG: youre asleep again arent you TG: or do you even know if you are TG: i still dont know how that works TG: its like nothing means anything TG: its so cool getting hella chumped by your coquettish damn riddles all the time TG: i dont know why i believe anything you say im like the grand marshal of gross chumpage TG: waving around my faggoty chumpductor baton TG: assitant director of chumpography TG: celebrated author ernest chumpingway TG: wait weak TG: chumpelstiltskin TG: uh TG: chumpeldipshit TG: yeah TG: youre asleep y/n?
[S] Jade: Open FreshJamz!
You open the FRESHJAMZ MEDIA PLAYER and add Dave's remix to the playlist.
Jade: Open Echidna and go to mspaintadventures.com
You open your web browser and visit MSPA.
[S] MIDNIGHT CREW: ACT 1031
You've killed a little time, but still no sign of John.
Jade: Pester Dave.
gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 2009-04-13 -- 12:36 GG: hi dave!!
Jade: Pester Rose.
TT: I require a font of frighteningly accurate yet infuriatingly nonspecific information.
Jade: Be the other girl.
You are now the other girl several hours in the future.
Jade: Stop being the other girl and pester John again.
You've spent enough time for now concerning yourself with the future of your friends.
You pack up your LUNCHTOP and get ready to take care of some business downstairs.
[S] Jade: Descend.
Try as you might, you can't stop your mind from drifting to the fate of your friends.
Also in the future...
But years, not hours...
You enter the LABORATORY.
Rose: Look for mad scientists.
There are no scientists to be found, mad or otherwise.
It looks like the kiosk monitors the lab's enormous HUBGRID.
Jade: Transportalize as far down as you can go.
This is as far down as you can go.
You hop down a level.
Jade: Keep going.
This is your grandfather's collection of what he refers to as his BEAUTIES.
Jade: Complete your descent.
You reach the ground level.
Looks like someone's pestering you.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 13:04 CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT.
Rose: Look at that kiosk.
Looks like a mapping of each hub's index.
Rose: Go to the center and do a goofy dance.
At the center, you find a little stage that looks perfect for supporting a spectacularly silly dance.
Rose: Attempt to plug laptop into nearby hub.
Great, you just vaporized your dead cat.
Rose: Examine fetch modus.
Looks like you can choose between picking leaves, or awkwardly uprooting the whole tree, as you've been doing.
You gather up all your items again in an order that places your LAPTOP in a conveniently accessible leaf.
Rose: Find the unlocked hub.
As long as you're going to plug in your computer, you might as well find that hub.
You pick the LAPTOP leaf from the tree.
You plug your LAPTOP into the HUB, then captchalogue the HUB and then the LAPTOP.
It's another one of these ominous countdowns.
Again in the future...
Another timer winds down, sideways.
IT KEEPS HAPPENING
Rose: Look around for anything else of importance.
This looks like something of importance.
It appears to be Skaianet's primary SESSION TERMINAL, monitoring a great number of SBURB SESSIONS in the northeastern United States and parts of Canada.
You use the panel to center on your present location and zoom in.
You zoom way out and narrow the search based on size.
Rose: Turn on your laptop and check on John.
You plug the laptop into the hub again and turn it on.
No sign of John here.
John: High-five Nannaquin.
TT: Good work, John!
John: Climb that echeladder.
You rocket up the ECHELADDER to the dizzying heights of the vaunted BOY-SKYLARK rung!!!
John: Collect phat lewtz.
You and your CERAMIC PORKHOLLOW rejoice in the mound of wealth yielded from your meteoric ascent up the ladder.
John: Pick up as much grist as you can hold.
Your expanded CACHE LIMIT is more than enough to accommodate the grist windfall.
Oh god, there's grist littered down there too.
NANNASPRITE: John, don't forget your book!
Elsewhere, we find a place...
Where a kingdom lies entrenched beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness.
You are now...
The Peregrine Mendicant.
PM: Check mail.
This message to Dr.
PM: Open envelope.
The mail is the one final hope for resurrecting a dead planet from its ashes, and the letter carriers are the brave soldiers of God in this righteous crusade.
PM: Examine keyboard and screen.
It's the terminal you used to activate the station's homing mechanism.
PM: Type => VIEW
You type another one of the previously entered commands.
Rose: Refuse to acknowledge the absurd tea set.
You successfully disregard the TEA SET because it's stupid and shouldn't be in a place like this.
Looks like a little girl's room.
Rose: Wear the scarf.
Ok, maybe you'll do a LITTLE messing around.
You are accosted by a friendly MUTANT KITTEN.
John: Resist great urge to take the wedged shale.
You know you should grab this thing, but...
You are suddenly feeling apprehensive about entering your father's room.
Jade: Scamper into grand foyer with wild abandon.
You scamper your heart out and bump into something.
Jade: Arm yourself.
GRANDPA will surely have stern words for you if he catches you without your trusty RIFLE at the ready.
Jade: Examine those chaps on the sofa.
These are the manor's four DISTINGUISHED HOUSEGUESTS.
You suppose you could still manage to sneak by the crafty old man if you are fast enough.
Jade: Leap dramatically across the divide.
YES i am going out with this gun!!!
He was so much easier to deal with when he was alive.
PM: Miraculously survive.
PM: Peer out explosion hole.
Rose: Refuse to acknowledge the absurd kitten.
You fail miserably.
Rose: Insert coin.
This weird arcade gizmo adapted to this setup obviously doesn't take coins anymore, assuming it ever did.
Rose: Let's play a game.
This doesn't appear to be a game.
Rose: Screw around with the appearifier.
You mess with the controls...
Rose: Cause time paradox.
You attempt to appearify Jaspers.
The PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of Jaspers appearifies instead, and quickly settles into a mound of sludge.
The machine beside it sucks up the paradox sludge and begins some kind of automated procedure.
The device generates a fetal PARADOX CLONE of Jaspers.
Rose: Have a flashback.
There is no need for a flashback.
Before you could ask him to clarify, he vanished into thin air.
Rose: Trace Jaspers' whereabouts on the machine.
You roll the clock forward to a week after he vanished.
[S] Rose: Fast forward to now.
Rose: Appearify Jaspers immediately.
Good thing you finally got all this sorted out.
Rose: Stop fooling around and transportalize out of there!
Jade: Locate and feed the devilbeast you call a pet.
Good luck finding him!
Jade: Retrieve the package you expected to arrive.
The birthday package you were expecting from John arrived months late.
John: Triple somersault into room, etc.
Ok, you do that.
Aw yeah, here come the secrets.
[S] John: Examine your dad's room.
John: Calm down, it'll be alright.
So all those years, while you believed he was out busking up the corners with hilarious antics, he was working as an ordinary business man all along.
The human prisoner has broken out of his jail cell yet again.
You're going to need a bigger safe.
Take another stab at it.
State name and rank.
You are ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR.
Jack: Don comical hat.
This frivolous headdress turns your stomach.
Jack: Call a minion.
You order one of your burliest agents to the scene.
Your transmission is interrupted.
Jack: Throw down hat in disgust.
You fully intend to once your superior stops breathing down your neck for a second.
Your blood is boiling so hot you could cook an egg on your carapace.
John: Investigate room for anything dad may have left behind
It seems there are some unopened BIRTHDAY PRESENTS which DAD didn't get around to giving you yet.
John: Present time!
The one on the right seems promising.
John: Obtain SW33TL00T.
You tear into this thing and put a mean peep on the sw33tloot.
First thing you do is flush the extra cards into your deck.
John: Equip array fetch modus.
The ARRAY MODUS allows you to store and retrieve any item from any card at any time.
John: Read instructions for control deck.
There's nothing to read, really.
Your sylladex now behaves like both a STACK and a QUEUE.
You see no reason at all not to jam the ARRAY CARTRIDGE in there too.
John: Unwrap the smallest present first.
You have a staunch policy of always saving the biggest present for last.
You receive a box of delicious FRUIT GUSHERS.
John: Open the big one.
You thought wrong.
John: Fill up an entire queuestack with shoes.
John: Captchalogue Fruit Gushers.
John: Closely inspect Fruit Gushers box.
THE HEINOUS BATTERWITCH HAS HER GNARLED CLAWS IN EVERYTHING.
[S] John: Mental breakdown.
[S] Jade: Retrieve package.
Rose: Check self for any mixed atoms with cat.
Nope, no mixed atoms.
Rose: Look around room.
Oh, you're back home.
Rose: Watch the meteor impact.
Huh, that's funny.
Better get out of here.
John: Get down to business.
Suddenly you are feeling very businessmanlike for some reason.
You are now dreaming.
Jade: Obliquely foreshadow future through interpretive dance
Your silly dance foreshadows nothing and is essentially meaningless.
You climb into bed and try to get comfortable.
Jade: Realize you can fly!
There is not much to realize.
Jade: Open the Package.
You stop all this flying around nonsense and examine John's birthday package.
Unfortunately you cannot open it yet!
Months in the past...
Enough for the above weather to be seasonably reconcilable...
-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -- GT: hey, happy birthday jade!
John: Make totems.
You have already carved a few TOTEMS, but you have had to return to the living room for more CRUXITE DOWELS.
Rose: Flee room.
At long last, you have returned to your bedroom with a stable power supply and internet connection.
Rose: Pester John.
TT: That's quite a totem collection.
EB: NICE JOKE EB: GREAT JOKE THERE ROSE EB: TOP OF THE LINE PRANK EB: HE HE EB: HA HA HA HA HA TT: This is good.
You cannot descend from the top of your mobile station.
WV: Sacrifice your MAYORAL SASH for more CABLES.
ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY A MAYOR DOES NOT RELINQUISH HIS MAYORAL SASH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER PERIOD
WV: Appearify the temple.
That's such a dumb idea.
WV: Command Serenity to carry the rope to you.
She is a tiny insect and cannot possibly lift more than the weight of a pumpkin seed!!!
WV: Get ye rope.
Ok, we just established it was a cable and not a rope, but that's ok.
You open the envelope.
WV: Try to appearify the cable again.
You set the time to the present, and appearify the JUMBLE OF CABLE.
WV: Take obvious course of action.
You tie all the cable together and carefully lower your precious PUMPKIN BINDLE.
Years in the future...
Which is to say, THE PRESENT MOMENT PRECISELY...
An AIMLESS RENEGADE prepares for company.
Rose: Build as much as you can as fast as you can.
EB: ok, while i make some stuff here can you keep an eye out for imps?
TT: It looks like you were in your father's room recently.
TT: I don't like to use the word "crazy".
EB: wow, what are you doing by the way?
[S] Jade: Dream up extra arms and play advanced bass solo.
Jade: Change wardrobifier to cycle thru STAR HEART HORSESHOE
Ok, good idea.
Jade: Go explore the golden city.
Jade: Go and make a new friend.
WV: Eat letter and envelope.
Will you cut that out!
WV: Look behind you!
Jade: Gracefully fly to the other golden tower.
You decide to check on your neighbor.
Jade: Inspect neighbor's tower.
It is very much the same as your own!
John is of course sound asleep.
Speaking of John, you wonder if he got the birthday present you sent him?
Your MOON is getting very close to SKAIA.
John: Alchemize in a 1980's time-lapse montage.
That would be pretty cool, and would promote the appearance to the audience that a whole lot was getting done in not much time, but it also sounds like kind of a pain in the ass so you decide to play it straightup this time.
John: Recombine hammer and pogo ride.
This time instead of overlapping (&&) the two cards which created the POGO HAMMER, you use the two codes to double-punch (||) a blank card, producing a different hole pattern.
John: Combine ghost shirt and suit.
You make the GREEN SLIME GHOST SUIT.
John: Combine ghost suit and Wise Guy book.
You make the WISE GUY SLIME SUIT.
John: Combine glasses and PDA.
You make the SERIOUS BUSINESS GOGGLES.
John: Combine sledgehammer, telescope, and Sassacre text.
You make the TELESCOPIC SASSACRUSHER, at pretty considerable expense.
John: Combine gushers and blue ectoplasm.
You mix your Gushers with some of the blue slime Nanna left on the wall to make a box of HELLACIOUS BLUE PHLEGM ANEURYSM GUSHERS (WITH GHOSTLY HEALING PROPERTIES!)
John: Combine fake arm, blue ectoplasm, and PDA.
You make the REMOTE GHOST GAUNTLET.
John: Combine ghost gauntlet and bathroom mirror.
You make a LEFT HANDED REMOTE GHOST GAUNTLET to complete the pair.
John: Combine umbrella and straight razor.
You make the BARBER'S BEST FRIEND.
John: Combine gushers and shaving cream.
You make a deadly BETTY CROCKER BARBASOL BOMB.
John: Combine Ghost Dad poster with...
Ok, you have a cool idea for something to do with your GHOST DAD POSTER, but it looks like you drew shit all over that one too without realizing it.
John: Captchalogue/punch Heath Ledger Joker figurine.
If you can somehow "subtract" the code of the JOKER FIGURINE from the code of the poster, it might work.
John: Combine Cosby poster with computer.
You make the COSBYTOP COMPUTER.
John: Combine Dad's hat and Problem Sleuth game.
You make another ordinary FEDORA with FOUR PIECES OF CANDY CORN inside.
John: Combine Hammer and Problem Sleuth game.
Whatever this item is, you cannot make it yet!
John: Combine iron and pogo hammer.
You make the WRINKLEFUCKER.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- TG: bro just kicked my ass
TG: thats really all there is to say on the matter
[S] Jade: Pester John.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:25 -- GG: john did you get my package??
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- GG: hey!!!!
Jade: Update colourful reminders.
You take a moment to gather your thoughts after your dream.
Bec has never allowed you to enter the MYSTIC RUINS for reasons you never understood.
Jade: Grab your harpoon gun.
Oh yes, of course!
Jade: Use harpoon to zip-line into the great outdoors.
Rose: Finish building.
Dave: Mourn the loss of Cal.
See you little dude.
Dave: Go get a god damn new sword.
Perhaps you will.
Dave: Captchalogue beta.
You try to grab the BETA (6) but you forgot your sylladex is completely packed.
Dave: Eject your modus and set it to Scrabble values.
You dump all this crap all over the roof.
Dave: Get beta.
You get the BETA (3+1+1+1), now yielding a radically different hash value with the Scrabble function.
Dave: Pester Rose.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- TG: ok i got it TG: i hope you appreciate how much gross spongy proboscis i had to fellate to get this game TG: hello TG: what are you doing TG: anyway im going down stairs now and installing this thing TG: later
You have finally finished your building project.
Rose: Captchalogue and send John code for his present.
That would certainly hasten the parcel's delivery, but the gift is not finished yet!
dear rose, happy birthday!!!
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Why Is It That When The Subject Of Temporal Mechanics Is Broached Your Sparing Human Intellects Instantly Assume The Most Ingratiating Posture Of Surrender Imaginable GA: Time Is Not That Difficult To Understand GA: It Is A Utility That A Universe May Resort To In Order To Advance A Desired Degree Of Complexity GA: Or May Not Resort To If That Is The Case GA: Its All Pretty Pedestrian GA: But No GA: When Time Travel Comes Up You Present The Face That A Man Shows When The Breeze Gradually Alerts Him To His Absence Of Netherdressings GA: I Dont See How We Are To Properly Agitate You All If You Continue To Insist On Failing To Understand Basic Concepts Which Common Infants Effortlessly Manage To Describe Via Scrawlings In Their Own Puddles Of Sloppy Discharge TT: Have we spoken before?
dear dave, happy birthday!!!
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- AT: hEYYY, AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE AWFUL, AT: lET'S PUT THAT FACT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT, AT: nOW YOU HAVE BEEN PRIMED FOR THE DIGESTIVE RUINATION THAT'S ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE, aND THE COMPREHENSIVE SOILING OF THE LAUNDRY ENVELOPING YOUR PERSON, TG: oh my god you type like a tool AT: yEAHHH, AT: nOW YOU'RE GETTING IT, wHAT YOU ARE IN FOR, AT: aRE YOU READY TO BE TROLLLLLED, AT: wITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR MISERABLE HUMAN CORTEX, TG: this is so weak im almost getting tired of wasting good material on you guys TG: its like TG: youve got nothing TG: its always one of you sprouting up and ranting about how hard im about to get trolled TG: with no ensuing substance TG: you dont even know anything about us TG: one of you fuckers thought i was a girl AT: oK, yEAH, bUT, AT: tHE THING IS, tHAT i DON'T CARE, AT: aBOUT YOUR ANATOMICAL DETAILS, aND THINGS LIKE THAT, AT: i KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE, AT: oR WILL DO, aCTUALLY, AT: iT'S THE MOST AWFUL THING, tHE WORST YOU CAN EVER DO, TG: sorry i wouldnt cyber with you dude TG: in the future or whatever AT: wHAT, wAIT, AT: oH, AT: oK, yOU'RE THE ONE WHO LIKES TO SUBMIT INNUENDO, TG: human innuendo AT: yES, hUMAN iNNUENDO, AT: sORRY FOR THE LACK OF CLARITY, TG: so at what point in the future am i supposed to look forward to you whipping up this titanic hankerin for my knob AT: uH, TG: be honest with me TG: cause im busy TG: and i want to know exactly when i got to clear some space in my calendar for when some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon AT: sHOULD i BE PERTURBED BY THESE ALLUSIONS, TG: no man TG: look TG: i just need to know when to be there TG: when the stars come into alignment and your flux capacitor lets you finally sate your meteoric greed for crotch-dachshund TG: i wouldnt want to miss it and cause a paradox or something TG: itd suck if the universe blew up on account of you missing your window of opportunity to help yourself to a pubescent boy's naked spam porpoise AT: uHHH, AT: oK, THIS IS SORT OF STARTING TO UPSET ME, TG: jesus you are such a shitty troll AT: i GUESS i'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE, AT: aND FIND ANOTHER POINT IN TIME TO BOTHER YOU, AT: wHEN, i GUESS, AT: yOU ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY SUSCEPTIBLE, aND DON'T HAVE ALL THESE BEES IN YOUR BONNET, AT: aBOUT YOUR HUMAN SEXUALITY, TG: oh no TG: no dude TG: you sassed me up TG: we are in THE SHIT now TG: together TG: for the long haul AT: i, AT: wHAT, TG: we're motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch TG: you and me TG: welcome to nam TG: now grab my hand and shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before charlie gets the fuckin drop AT: uHHH, wHO, AT: wHO'S CHARLIE, TG: hes the guy whos gonna read our vows TG: im feeling pretty friggin MATRIMONIAL all a sudden TG: take a look down by your foot see that little bottle TG: stomp on that shit like its on fire TG: noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving us around on chairs til someone gets hurt TG: im your 300 pound matronly freight-train TG: and my gaping furnace is hungry for coal so get goddamn shoveling AT: oH MY GOD, TG: bro look in my eyes TG: that twinkle TG: that be DEVOTION you herniated pro wrestlers sweaty purple taint TG: sparklin like a visit from your fairy fuckin godmother TG: shit be PURE AND TRUE TG: thats what you see TG: a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams all swishin together TG: radially effevescing arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine TG: turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing vienna sausages strong TG: this is how we do this TG: this shits more real than kraft mayo -- adiosToreador [AT] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --
You are now...
The Aimless Renegade.
AR: Realize that your weapon is magazine-fed, not clip-fed.
You don't give a shit about that.
AR: Examine the wall behind you.
The wall exhibits rows of ancient hieroglyphs depicting an array of amphibious and reptilian life forms.
AR: Go search for more ammo.
There is plenty of ammunition stored in the various AMMO CRATES which you have spent a great deal of time unearthing from nearby dunes and hauling back to your stronghold.
AR: Quickly retrieve side arms.
You retrieve a pair of deadly SIDE ARMS.
AR: Find a rocket launcher.
AR: Befriend the unwelcome rogues.
You wonder if you should reconsider your grievance with the offenders.
They are both in flagrant violation, trespassing through several zones which you painstakingly marked as off-limits while you conduct your investigation of this crime scene.
AR: Examine moving platform.
It appears to be a large stage serving as a kind of elevator.
Jade: Place present on monument.
You put John's present down in just the right spot, along with a letter you prepared a little while ago after a particularly interesting series of dreams.
You put down the time-bait.
You guess you could swim.
PM : Read the letter.
This is kind of confusing.
But you guess it's straightforward enough, even if the drawing is somewhat inaccurate...
AR: Berate self for unauthorized demolition.
STUPID STUPID STUPID You had them right in your crosshairs.
AR: Be the law.
You reload and take aim.
YOU ARE THE LAW WHOOPS
WV: Wave about in a distracting manner.
Oh it's this guy again and his little blinking bee.
PM: Scamper quickly to the newly created hole.
PM: Read the next step of the letter.
At the bottom of the letter is a series of coordinates along with further instructions.
Today is your BIRTHDAY.
You open it to find a shirt that is way too big for you, and... pumpkin seeds?
dear jade, happy birthday!!!
Who is this John claiming to be your friend?
You bear the vicious brunt of this story transition directly in the face.
Jack: Kill John's dad yourself.
Here, stick this in your pipe and bleed to death slowly.
You release the prisoner.
Jade: Play guitar to summon giant lily pads.
Dave: Install beta.
TG: alright im installing this game finally TT: Where doing this man?
Your name is SPADES SLICK.
[I] SS: Inspect timekeeping devices.
Stupid gang and their lousy obsession with clocks.
[I] SS: Captchalogue carriage clock.
You obviously have no idea what that means.
[I] SS: Build fort with clocks.
You have an idea that is so much better.
[I] SS: Check for traps under the billiards rug.
What is under the rug is much worse than any trap you can imagine.
You cover the unsightly individual back up and try to forget it ever existed.
[I] SS: Play 52 pickup.
You would need a DECK OF CARDS to play that infernal game.
[I] SS: Shuffle contents of war chest.
You rummage around.
[I] SS: Scavenge war chest for fancy headwear.
If there are any elaborate headdresses in here, you'll eat your haberdasher.
[I] SS: Hide inside your war chest.
You cannot hide properly inside the chest because you cannot close it while you are inside.
[I] SS: Start up the Crosbytop.
Is that what this thing is?
[I] SS: Go to mspaintadventures.com.
You don't know why you are wasting time on this website.
[I] SS: Delete the time setting on the crosbytop.
CLOCKS DESTROYED: 5/1000
[I] SS: Take the spade key.
You take the RULES CARD FOR BLACKJACK.
[I] SS: Examine vendetta itinerary.
These are the mugshots of everyone you are going to kill.
[I] SS: Wonder where the number 8 mugshot went.
It's right here.
[I] SS: Examine heist map.
On review, your schemes seem a bit convoluted.
[I] SS: Use radio device to check on unscrupulous cohorts.
You put the word out to your cronies for a status report.
You slip the SPADE KEY back into the DECK OF CARDS, then pocket the WAR CHEST.
[I] SS: Enter the hallway near the main entrance.
Funny, you didn't hear any commotion or gunplay.
He says he's got Doze tied up for interrogation.
[I] SS: Be Hearts Boxcars.
You are now Clubs Deuce.
[I] CD: Rough him up.
He remains tight-lipped, so you deal him a senseless shin-drubbing with your CROOK OF FELONY.
He's probably still using his special ability to slow time down for himself.
[I] CD: Punch clocks in faces to establish chronology.
Why would you do that?
[I] CD: Swap hats with Doze.
You begin a feeble campaign of psychological warfare.
[I] CD: Dump the contents of your war chest over him.
[I] CD: Play some solitaire.
Don't be stupid.
[I] CD: Throw the hat down and stomp it mercilessly.
Doze proceeds to make a fleetfooted getaway.
[I] SS: Stop being Hearts Boxcars.
Alright, you're the boss.
[I] SS: Lift left leg and hold it a little ways in the air.
4/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD
[I] SS: Wear CD's hat on top of your current one.
You are already wearing Deuce's hat you fool.
[I] SS: Wear backup hat.
You deploy your chest and swap this dinky little hat for one more suited to your tastes.
Die makes his usual sort of entrance.
[I] SS: Be Diamonds Droog.
You got it.
You're not sure what's what.
[I] CD: Grab the deuce of clubs.
You pick up two LICORICE GUMMY BEARS.
[I] CD: Pick up all of the cards and throw them at Doze.
You pick up a bunch of cards and fling them Doze-ward.
[I] CD: Pick a card, any card.
You're a busy guy so you just pick up any old thing and put it on your head.
[I] CD: Pick up card depicting stately blonde-haired fellows
You aren't going to stand around jack king off all day long, so you grab the JACK OF DIAMONDS.
[I] CD: Forget you are CD.
You suddenly remember you are Diamonds Droog.
[I] DD: Wear backup hat.
You don't have a BACKUP HAT all you got is this DECK OF CARDS oh wait yes you do.
[I] DD: Retrieve hat from brawlsoleum.
You are the only member of this band of thugs who is civilized enough to keep more than one BACKUP HAT, as well as an extensive array of FINELY TAILORED SUITS.
[I] DD: Withdraw licorice fish from backup hat.
Suddenly you get coldcocked in the face from the future.
Trace always knows where you've been.
Trouble is, whenever he does, he lets you know exactly where he's going to be in the future.
[I] DD: Resume pursuit of wounded felt member.
You don't know if the wounded guy went up the stairs, or came down.
[I] DD: Follow trail of blood up the stairs.
Can't overthink this time stuff.
[I] CD: Follow Diamonds Droog's instructions.
After giving a quick 10-4 over the RADIO, you take another look at your prisoner.
[I] CD: Just lock Doze in the battledrobe.
Time to hit the road.
You flip the fuck out over the fact that this is apparently a BULL PENIS CANE.
[I] Meanwhile, running roughly parallel with present events.
Itchy always cheats.
Looks like he got what he deserved.
[I] SS: Make friends with Die.
You introduce your CAST IRON HORSE HITCHER to your new friend.
Die scrambles for a PIN he's been saving for a special occasion.
How many times does he have to tell you.
[I] HB: Stop being SS.
You stop not being Hearts Boxcars.
[I] HB: Do a silly dance.
This is just absolutely the most ridiculous thing you could possibly choose to do right now.
[I] HB: Pry the wall from the safe.
That notion is even more ridiculous than the last one.
[I] HB: Deploy PUNCHBOX.
You deploy the WRATHTUB.
[I] HB: Retrieve two of hearts from backup hat.
You retrieve your pair of WAX LIPS.
[I] HB: Peruse Red Cheeks magazine.
Just glancing at it gives you palpitations.
[I] HB: Call Clubs on nearest card.
You radio Deuce on the 10-4 cards.
Ugh, there he is.
[I] CD: Follow path.
In the future, you've already followed the path through the mansion that Droog told you to.
In the present, you talk on the radio.
[I] DD: Take a good look around the new room you're in.
Looks like the trail of blood ends here.
Fin always knows where you're going.
Predestined bullet holes are convenient.
7/21 CLOCKS REDESTROYED
[I] SS: Rematerialize.
That doesn't make any sense.
Die realizes there is a cost to settling the score with you in this way.
[I] SS: Help the green man live up to his name.
[I] SS: Take voodoo doll.
You grab his VOODOO DOLL, and stick his pin in there for good measure.
[I] SS: Clocks.
29/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED 5/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD
[I] DD: Follow blood trail downstairs and finish him off.
Problem with that is, he'll just see your FUTURE TRAIL following him, and that'll be nothing but a loud invitation for him to mess with you some more.
[I] SS: Return to being Hearts Boxcars.
Spades Slick cannot return to being Hearts Boxcars because obviously Diamonds Droog is too busy being Clubs Deuce.
[I] CD: Implement nefarious scheme.
You follow Droog's simple instructions.
Trace catches up to where you were.
7/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD 107/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED
Fin makes his way through the mansion to get some help.
[I] CD: Follow the red-blood road.
But he can't get a clear shot.
You stop to admire this gorgeous clock.
[I] HB: Waste exactly four hours on this tomfoolery.
YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL
Above, a spectator has appeared at the strike of 4 and has been giggling at your foolishness for a number of minutes.
Stitch mutters to himself in his shop.
[I] HB: Call Spades for backup.
You tell Slick to get his scrawny ass to the vault.
Droog says Deuce is tailing Fin, while he is tailing Deuce.
Fin busts into Stitch's workshop blubbering something about watching out for the little guy who's about to come in here.
Death. 8/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD
[I] CD: Burst in thrusting bull penis cane.
Everybody out of the god damn way.
Stitch says drop the livestock knob and settle the hell down.
[I] DD: Sneak into Stitch's boutique.
Drop it and get in.
You admit the thought of carrying an imprisoned tailor wherever you go is gratifying for personal reasons.
[I] HB: Prod idiots with Red Cheeks.
This predictably accomplished nothing!
[I] SS: Remove Crowbar's pin.
Crowbar's alive again.
[I] SS: Insert and quickly remove Snowman's pin.
You have no idea how much you'd like to.
Everyone always ceases gunplay when Snowman's around.
[I] SS: Remove knife from eye.
It's not a knife.
[I] SS: Give it to Sawbuck.
You chuck the LANCE at Sawbuck.
[I] SS: Kill something out of rage and frustration.
Stitch gets the business end of your SABER RATTLE.
[I] SS: Bring knives to the gunfight.
Where do you think you're going, fatty?
[I] SS: Occam's Razor.
Crowbar deflects the KING OF SPADES into Sawbuck's unmissable carriage.
[I] Years in the past...
Which is to say the present, for the time being...
[I] SS: Hit Crowbar in the head.
You can't kill him yet.
[I] SS: Stuff him in your deck of cards.
You cram him in the WAR CHEST.
[I] SS: Just go stab Sawbuck until the time shenanigans stop
You treat him to a bit of the old BAIT AND SWITCHBLADE.
[I] SS: Carry Sawbuck like Titan Atlas would carry the world
You order Hearts to drop his tub on the double before this fat lard puts you in a wheelchair.
You dump them in the WRATHTUB, then stick the tub in your own DECK OF CARDS.
[I] SS: Stick Crowbar's pin back in again.
You go back to your original timeline.
You open the chest releasing them both.
You deflect his gunfire into the awesome gravitational pull of Sawbuck's astonishing girth.
You dodge his next round too.
[I] SS: Take a moment to think up some time-based one-liners
Ok you think you got one.
Let's see... sorry to... no... time's running... no wait... fuck.
[I] SS: Stab first, utter puns later.
Just as you hear your past self asking what happened to your eye, you jab Sawbuck with your BUTTERFLY EFFECT KNIFE.
You are now Past Spades Slick... again.
[I] PSS: Remove Crowbar's pin.
A whole bunch of shit happens that we already saw.
[I] PSS: Be Future Spades Slick.
Being your future self is a lot more constructive because you get to do stuff you haven't already done.
One of the clocks that wasn't destroyed before is now bloodied and full of holes.
[I] SS: Quickly remove lance from Sawbuck.
You pry the CIGARETTE HOLDER from his torso.
[I] SS: Knock Sawbuck unconscious.
COUNT SOME SHEEP BITCH Wait... the clock on the wall...
It hasn't been destroyed yet.
You've even got an ice-cold one-liner to dish out when the time comes.
Hate to chop all of your heads off with this sword.
9/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD 2/9 GREEN TORSOS DEADENED TWICE 1/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT IT'S AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE TORSO, SO YOU GUESS MAYBE IT DOESN'T COUNT(?)
You grab the tub and chest and move on.
[I] DD: Call Spades.
You check up on Slick's status.
[I] DD: Have Stitch patch up SS's effigy.
Get to work, threadmonkey.
[I] SS: Have right eye patched up.
[I] SS: Arm yourself, in case Cans shows up.
If Cans shows up, none of these weapons you've got are going to do any good.
[I] SS: Ride around on horse hitcher pretending to joust.
You can't BELIEVE she saw you horsing around like that.
[I] DD: Shoot up biscuit and eggs's effigies.
Stitch keeps their EFFIGIES in a big warehouse several miles away because of their ridiculous duplication tendencies.
This was such an unbelievably terrible idea.
[I] SS: CHARGE!
This is incredibly delirious biznasty.
[I] SS: Start whacking things with the crowbar.
The first thing you whack is Eggs's EGG TIMER.
You do this because of course you know that Crowbar's CROWBAR will destroy any temporal artifact and completely negate its effect on the timeline.
[I] HB: Attempt to eat Eggs.
Your attempt was an overwhelming success.
Biscuits is looking a tad snug in his muffin tray.
He thinks it's about time to poke a broomstraw in this battle.
[I] SS: Crowbar.
You deal the oven a wicked flogging but not much happens.
[I] CD: Put dynamite in oven.
You set the bomb to go off in a few seconds, when both it and Biscuits are released from it in a few hours.
[I] CD: Turn up heat on Biscuit's oven.
You're pretty sure this oven doesn't actually work at all.
12/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD PROBABLY SOME MORE CLOCKS DESTROYED TOO
[I] SS: Use crowbar to pry the safe open.
Since your expert safe cracker apparently spent the last five or six hours being totally useless down here, you figure it's time to take things into your own hands.
Clover insists that you reconsider!
[I] SS: Politely ask Clover to remain calm.
He refuses outright and starts doing a really frisky jig!
[I] DD: Ask Clover for the ultimate riddle.
You ask Clover to open the safe.
You just start whacking him with a newspaper instead.
[I] DD: Check personal ads of periodical.
This isn't a real newspaper.
Suddenly the whole vault room is shaking.
All of a sudden Cans plows through the wall Kool-Aid Man style.
[I] DD: Resist urge to shout "Oh Yeah!"
He punches you into next week.
[I] HB: Use Eggs' body as bait for Cans.
You flail the torso Cans-ward in an attempt to placate him with the red meat.
It doesn't work!!!
Looks like this one's themed with SPIRITED HORSES.
[I] SS: Ignore him and just pry the safe open.
You don't care what the consequences are.
The massive release of temporal distortion from the vault transports you to a highly unfavorable timeline.
[I] SS: Enter the vault.
There's nothing in here except an opening in the floor.
[I] SS: Dramatically use the spade key.
You guess this is what the SPADE KEY was for all this time.
[I] SS: Peek inside keyhole.
[I] SS: Use rules card for blackjack.
This was never a problem because there is clearly a barcode printed on your RULES CARD FOR BLACKJACK.
[I] SS: Get on with it.
Oh are you looking for this well come and get it you contemptuous she-witch.
Snowman's BLACK INCHES no doubt have been responsible for more than a few RED CHEEKS.
[I] SS: Flip your sprite.
[I] SS: Scan the barcode.
In a future settled askance of the present...
Collateral desecration mars the sacred/illicit.
In the mystic ruins of an era pre-desecration...
An ancient TIME CAPSULE has blossomed.
Jade: Take the discs.
You captchalogue the SBURB BETA.
Jade: Switch to Jenga modus.
You swap your modus to JENGA, ejecting your sylladex in the process.
Your modus grabs the 18 cards needed to set itself up.
You gather up the rest of your items.
Jade: Switch to Pictionary modus.
Yeah, that one's obviously not going to work.
Jade: Try out new Pictionary modus.
Ok, you start by trying to grab your LUNCHTOP.
Jade: Draw Lunchtop.
You draw a really nice looking Squiddle lunchbox on the CAPTCHALOGUE SCRIBBLEPAD.
The modus recognizes what you were trying to draw and snaps it right up.
Jade: Captchalogue the beta.
Look at these fabulous beta envelopes you just drew!
You do a very quick doodle of nothing in particular.
Since you do not actually have a DUTTON PHOTO lying around, the pad captchalogues a DUTTON PHOTO GHOST IMAGE.
Jade: Draw a pumpkin.
You sketch a beautiful, succulent PUMPKIN, knowing perfectly well that a PUMPKIN GHOST IMAGE will be captchalogued, because you are quite sure there is not a PUMPKIN in this room, and there surely never will be.
You captchalogue a PUMPKIN GHOST IMAGE.
Jade: Get the rest of your items.
You start by drawing your TANGLE BUDDIES.
Jade: Captchalogue bass on card with Dutton ghost image.
It's not up to you to say what card it goes on!
No, that's just a ghost image of an ordinary bass.
You are returned to your bedroom without the rest of your loot.
Jade: Install Beta.
You get started installing both discs.
Jade: Pester chums.
In the meantime you decide to touch base with your pals.
John: Pester Rose.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- EB: rose?
Dave: Pester Rose.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- TG: hey TG: will you open your laptop already TG: see TG: this is why you need a phone or something TG: that alerts you to important messages TG: instead of leaving them trapped TG: under three inches of fucking yarn TG: laptops dont need cozies TG: nothing needs cozies TG: cozy is a goddamn adjective TG: maybe ill crochet myself an iphone snuggly TG: what is this place anyway TG: what are you doing TG: i can see your whole damn house here if you want to get filled in or something im sort of the guy with the big picture here TG: dont make me bop you on the head with a wizard TG: ill do it TG: ok no i wont TG: yet TG: i guess ill bone up on the faq for a while TG: so i dont do anything stupid and deploy like 10 crux flangers and fuck up the whole game TG: oh my god TG: so many words TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something TG: damn TG: i cant read this shit im sorry -- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- GG: yo yooooooo!!!!!!!
John: Answer troll.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- CG: HEY JOHN.
John: Search for your father's car.
It's going to be a hike.
WV: Settle this dispute in a rational, diplomatic manner.
You settle the dispute in the only way you can presently imagine how to settle a dispute.
Jade: Deploy alchemiter.
It's almost as if this broken AIR CONDITIONING UNIT was scaled to be a perfect fit for the ALCHEMITER all along.
Jade: Deploy cruxtruder in Dave's room.
TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something TG: damn TG: i cant read this shit im sorry TT: Hold please.
TG: hey wait GG: these darn birds are in the way!
Jade: Move Dave's bed to the roof.
TT: Jade is connected with you?
Jade: Deploy the cruxtruder in its place.
TG: so seriously what were you doing just now TT: I was talking to someone.
Jade: Replace television with totem lathe.
Jade: Organize Dave's puppets.
This whole place is a disorganized mess.
Jade: Tidy up Strider's apartment a little.
What the apartment needs is a woman's touch.
AR: Cautiously drink TAB.
AR: Retrieve mysterious artifacts from ruins.
You excuse yourself for a moment and retrieve a few of your personal belongings.
WV: Introduce new friends to John.
The yellow bandaged fellow seems to have slogged off somewhere.
The hole blown into the the station by the caution guy's rocket leads into the third room, which had been locked.
You unlock the third room from the inside, and go to the computer room.
But instead she takes note of your nice chalk drawings and pays you a compliment.
You decide to give her the chalk.
Suddenly a powerful aroma hits your nonexistent nostrils.
You stop and examine the kind mayor's device.
I am told your name is John.
It's nice to meet you, John.
John isn't directly cognizant of your greeting, but I'm sure he would feel likewise.
Ok, have at it!
This is great!
You got a MINITABLET!
There is nothing inside.
You drop in one of your precious SHOES.
This one's empty.
Same with this one you guess.
Introduce yourself to the local amphibious fauna.
"I am a secret wizard.
You wonder what the hell a secret wizard is.
You got an UNCARVED MINITABLET!
You got a CHISEL.
You got a CHUNK OF...
He has renamed himself Crumplehat.
A good place to keep lookout?
JOHN: nanna, are you there?
Seer, can you hear me?
Apparently she can.
Have a look around, Rose.
You have much to discover.
John: Go over the river and through the woods.
Jade: Drop the toilet in Dave's room.
TG: this is the worst shitting thing ive ever seen TG: the thing that just happened GG: hi dave!!!!
Dave: Use now empty apple juice bottle as pee receptacle.
You begin to hatch a brilliant plan.
Once you're done you'll captchalogue the bottle and send the code to Egbert and tell him it's something really important.
But he will not be drinking delicious juice, oh no.
But that all sounds like a big waste of time so you just go in the shower.
Dave: Kick that puppet out of the shower.
GG: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo GG: :( GG: dave TG: what GG: :( TG: what is it GG: dave this poor bird TG: what bird GG: the one with the sword through it!!!
Jade: Retrieve Dave's copy of Sburb and the impaled crow.
Jade: Put something weird in the seizure kernel.
TG: wow awesome TG: so now i guess instead having of a wise or helpful spirit guide sprite thing TG: im stuck with this brainless feathery asshole GG: what do you mean i just brought the cute birdie back to life!!!
Jade: Wake up.
TG: where are you sitting TG: are you on your bed GG: yes why TG: what side GG: ummmmmm....
AR: Use gunpowder and empty crates to make a campfire.
AR: Win over that fine carapace in grey.
You are vaguely reminded of something.
So many years ago, entrenched in the temporally oblique...
This looks much more orderly.
You discover a couple of UNAUTHORIZED PARCELS in the cabin of the vehicle.
You are a simple PARCEL MISTRESS on one of your routes.
You stop in your tracks.
But you notice he is holding two parcels.
John: Activate ghost gloves.
Sons of bitches are harder to kill than you thought they'd be.
The giclops absconds.
You could have sworn that strange man was holding your copy of Colonel Sassacre's.
WV, PM, AR: Stargaze.
It is a clear and peaceful night.
You conclude you have no choice.
It is a carved MINITABLET.
You do not have a sword.
You doff so furiously you are in danger of starting a HAT FIRE.
He cannot give them to you.
You show him the carved MINITABLET.
You quickly drop the ENVELOPE into an empty PYXIS.
You follow the agent.
John: Chase the man, you want your book!
You have some questions for that guy, whoever he is.
John: Save the lizards!
Ok you JUST SAID they were salamanders.
OH GOD HOW CAN SHAVING CREAM BE SO FLAMMABLE
A big gust of wind conveniently comes along and blows out all the fire.
The townspeople rejoice and are more than willing to give you all the credit.
John, the uncarved tablet you retrieved.
Why yes, it appears you do.
You seem amenable to this request.
Your deceased pet.
JASPERSPRITE is nowhere to be found.
Is it not why you are here?
Someone is pestering you.
It looks like they lead out back to the mausoleum.
Examine your pet's tomb.
The mausoleum was destroyed by the explosion.
It seems someone has recently untied a boat.
A mother will do whatever is best for her children.
WV: Become the mayor of Exile Town.
You build a bigger and better town to preside over.
He thinks it is dumb because any town without a proper militia is as good as conquered.
WV: Fondly regard desert night.
The stars twinkle over the freshly christened EXILE TOWN.
Jade: Give Dave punch card of an eggy loking thign [sic].
Ok, you do that and then he makes a totem with it and then some other stuff happens and then...
Dave: Pester Jade.
TG: oh man TG: awesome TG: its awesome where you put that TG: i was worried we were on the verge of getting some shit done GG: duuurrrrr dave i was going to build some stairs up there durrrrrhhhhhh TG: well where are they TG: you say there will be stairs TG: and yet TG: i see no stairs GG: gosh i dont know i guess i didnt find the time to make them because i keep getting punched in the face by robots and stuff!!!!!!!
Dave: Make the world's largest omlette.
Whoops, looks like that dumb idea isn't going to happen!
TG: ok so TG: the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass TG: please advise GG: i think your sprite wants to hatch it!
Jade: Deploy Punch Designix.
Jade: Check unknown objects.
GG: ok some of these things we can deploy but some things we dont have nearly enough grist for!
Jade: Deploy green and white compact disc.
TG: what should i do with these beta copies TG: i dont really need them anymore GG: i suppose just hang on to them for a while........
You take the BETA and the CD.
Jade: Deploy circuit board looking thingy.
It was obviously labeled as the JUMPER BLOCK EXTENSION.
You expend another relatively affordable 100 BUILD GRIST to relocate it.
You then pay the steep fee of 1000 BUILD GRIST to deploy the JUMPER BLOCK EXTENSION.
Jade: Attempt to deploy catchalogue disk drive.
Again, the name of the thing was right there in plain sight.
Dave: Insert card with the CD on the slot.
You put the card in the slot and stick the shunt on the jumper pins.
Dave: Insert disc into computer.
GRISTTORRENT is now running.
Dave: Illegally pirate some of John's shale.
You start leeching off John's SHALE at a pace of 4 g/s.
Dave: Download a bunch of grist from John.
You set the application to leech off John's BUILD GRIST because he's obviously got too much for his own good.
You guide the Heir.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- EB: rose?
Who is this bothering you?
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GC: H3Y L4LOND3 GC: STOP CRY1NG 1N YOUR MOMS B3V3R4G3 GC: SH3 H4T3S YOU 4ND H4S L3FT YOU FOR3V3R GC: H3H3H3H >8D TT: Now I'm confused.
Meanwhile, the past pulls a mean double reacharound...
ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] GT: hey, happy birthday jade!
The package from your pen-pal appears again.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] -- GC: H3H3 GT: uuuuugh GC: H4H4H GC: H3H3H3H3 GT: ?
You think it's time to change your chumhandle.
You have followed the AUTHORITY REGULATOR into enemy territory.
You have no idea where you're going.
You take a turn somewhere and find an especially regal looking red carpet.
The BLACK QUEEN directs you to the office of the ARCHAGENT.
This is the last you will hear from me.
You return to a more typical mindset.
Rose: Sip martini thoughtfully.
Such as this one.
Fourth Exile: Suddenly appear.
A WINDSWEPT QUESTANT suddenly appears.
PM: Command John to put the carved tablet into a pyxis.
You follow the command telling you to command John to put the carved tablet in the pyxis and type, "John, put the carved tablet into the pyxis."
What the hell was that???
You find the agent's office.
If you act quickly enough maybe you can grab the package and get out of here before CAN I HELP YOU
Jack makes it clear he would rather stab something to death than process the avalanche of paperwork needed to release the confiscated freight.
But perhaps an UNDERSTANDING can be reached.
Bring him the crowns.
Jack: Examine package.
The PARCEL MISTRESS departs with her mission of double agency.
Dave: Punch some cards.
You've leeched more than enough grist from John to afford a PUNCH DESIGNIX, which for some reason Jade put in the hallway making it kind of hard to walk through your apartment, but whatever.
Dave: Put a punched card in a shunt.
You put the punched BLENDER card in a shunt just for the hell of it, and stick it on the jumper pins.
The ALCHEMITER is fitted with the BLENDER UPGRADE.
Dave: Use a punched Gamebro Magazine card.
The ALCHEMITER is upgraded with a huge metal bust of this awesome bro.
Jade: Draw the punch designix.
Your inscrutable thought process leads you to draw the PUNCH DESIGNIX on your SCRIBBLEPAD.
The pad recognizes the drawing, but there is no designix around, and even if there was, it would obviously be way too big to captchalogue.
Jade: Send the code to Dave.
GG: dave here punch this code!
Dave: Punch code and put it in the jumper shunty thing.
TG: so i guess this is just a built in designix TG: which is sort of cool i guess TG: since i wont have to go downstairs and bang the hallway door into the thing and squeeze through every time i want to punch a card TG: because of course you couldnt have just put it next to the alchemiter in the first place TG: but then i have to go downstairs anyway to make totems and get cruxite and stuff TG: so really who cares GG: well i think this is only one way to consolidate all the gizmo features....
Jade: Draw the holopad.
You don't have nearly enough grist to deploy the HOLOPAD, whatever it does.
Looks like it worked!
Dave: Upgrade alchemiter with holopad.
The totem pedestal is converted into a holographic projector.
Jade: Draw the totem lathe.
You captcha the lathe ghost image and apply the upgrade.
Jade: Draw the jumper block.
You get the code for the jumper block extension to upgrade the alchemiter with... uh... the jumper block extension?
This is getting a little abstract.
Jade: Draw the intellibeam laserstation.
This thing looks kind of complicated.
Dave: Captchalogue enlarger.
You grab the ENLARGER from your dismantled photography lab.
You apply the ENLARGER UPGRADE.
Jade: Draw air conditioner on roof.
You ghost-captcha the huge air conditioner and give Dave the code to mess around with.
Dave: Make air conditioner unit.
Size of the object you make is now variable.
You make a tiny AIR CONDITIONER.
John: Find the car.
You find your father's car near the base of the rock pillar.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- GC: JOHN 1TS M3 4G41N EB: who?
EB: this is the worst crap i have ever seen.
Rose: Answer Dave.
TG: im building up your house TG: by the way why do you live in this weird compound TG: do you host east european industrial raves TG: nevermind the point is TG: im out of grist TG: so if youre done whipping that ogre like a rented mule TG: maybe you could convert it into a grist windfall TT: Right now?
Dave: Answer troll.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- GA: You Command The Seer GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition TG: who GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty TG: oh yeah sure TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews GA: Thats An Exotic Title GA: I Thought You Were The Knight TG: wrong what do you want GA: Have You Found Her Demeanor To Be Chilly GA: On A Basis Of Personal Interaction That Hypothetically Extends Beyond The Context Of A Short Lived And Lackluster Trolling Effort TG: what the hell GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh GA: Endearment TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs TG: so you just watch it like crack and turn black GA: Um Is This GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong TG: man wait TG: whats this about TG: you have a thing for her dont you TG: dont deny it bro its obvious GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination TG: hahahaha so terrible TG: what a transparent dodge TG: all hiding behind your alien shit TG: just admit it TG: you want me to help you win her over GA: I Just Would Like To Gather GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity TG: ok well its easy TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite TG: see not everybody always means literally what they say the way john and jade always do GA: Maddening GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns GA: Perhaps It Is The Human Riddle That Is Truly The Ultimate Riddle TG: oh my flipping christ TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark GA: I Have Been Practicing GA: Your Human Sarcasm TG: oh ok TG: that was pretty good TG: maybe even too deadpan but its a start keep at it GA: Very Well GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship TG: hahaha yes youre on a roll GA: That Was Sincerity TG: oh TG: alright look TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit TG: i mean unless youre really smooth and inherently likeable like me which youre not GA: Then GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things TG: thats kind of the obtuse alien way of getting it but yeah TG: be like TG: an antagonism ninja TG: like her TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing TG: it could be a horrible thing though GA: It Sounds Like GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again GA: Which I Have Tried GA: It Proved To Be A Fruitless Endeavor TG: yeah i guess i am TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll GA: Okay GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed TG: good luck bro
Rose: Answer troll.
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- AT: hIIII, sO, AT: yOU GET BOSSED AROUND BY THE KNIGHT, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION, TT: Who?
Rose: Answer troll.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Your Dark Spectacled Friend Has Advised Me On A More Effective Method For Trolling You GA: I Think His Contention Is That This Strategy Will Have The Opposite Of The Intended Effect And Precipitate A Sort Of Bond Between Us That Is Established In Mutual Antagonism GA: What Do You Think About This TT: I think you're shrewd to have recognized his ploy of sabotage, and you've earned my compliments.
Dave: Answer troll.
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- AT: oKAYYYY, mY BROMO SAPIEN, AT: r U READY, AT: tO GET STRAIGHT IN, FLAT DOWN, BROAD SIDE, SCHOOL FED UP THE BONE BULGE, AT: bY A DOPE SMACKED, TRINKED OUT, SMOTHER FUDGING, AT: tROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, TG: dont care AT: oK, lET ME, AT: oRGANIZE MY NOTES HERE, AT: oKAYYY, AT: (tURN ON SOME STRICT BEATS MAYBE, iT WILL HELP TO LISTEN TO THEM WHILE i DESTROY YOU,) AT: wHEN THE POLICE MAN BUSTS ME, aND POPS THE TRUNK, AT: hE'S ALL SUPRISED TO FIND I'M TOTING SICK BILLY, AT: wHOSE, AT: gOAT IS THAT, hE ASKS, wHILE HE STOPS TO THUNK AT: aBOUT IT, aND i'S JUST SAY IT'S DAVE'S, yOU SILLY AT: gOOSE, AT: bUT THE MAN SAYS, gOOSE!
John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter.
John: Give dear sweet Casey the bunny.
I got a present for you, Casey.
John: Surrender to overwhelming emotions.
John: Answer CG.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- CG: JOHN WHAT THE WET BAG OF HUMAN HORSE SHIT TO THE FACE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.
John: Answer GC.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -- GC: H3H3H3H3H3 GC: JOHN STOP HUGG1NG THOS3 S4L4M4ND3RS 4ND B31NG SO STUPIDLY 4DOR4BLE GC: W3 4R3 ON 4 STR1CT CH3AT1NG T1M3T4BL3 H3R3 GC: W41T WHO 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO NOW GC: 1S 1T ON3 OF US GC: 1S 1T M3???
John: Turn around.
EB: oh, wow.
John: Examine gate.
EB: so this is the seventh gate?
WV, AR: Prepare gift for the WQ.
Meanwhile, in a long discarded memory...
A PARCEL MISTRESS seeks audience with royalty.
A flurry of disquieting happenstance is related to the ADORED SOVEREIGN.
Abdication is never ideal.
The WHITE KING of course can be found on the BATTLEFIELD.
The royal duty has been accepted.
And in time, fullfilled.
Rose: Consult with Jaspersprite.
ROSE: Is that all you have to say?
Rose: Pester Jade.
TT: I spoke with Jaspers.
Rose: Pester Dave.
TT: He's not answering.
GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep!
John: Await further instruction.
GC: JOHN S33 TH4T B1G P13C3 OF JUNK TH3R3 EB: the rocket pack?
John: Captchalogue rocket pack.
EB: ok here...
John: Answer Dave.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- TG: ok im in EB: in where?
John: Captchalogue Casey.
This is absolutely no place for children.
John: Blast off.
Dave: Consult with Calsprite.
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO DAVE: shut up CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO DAVE: no DAVE: just DAVE: god damn it CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HOO HOO HEE HEE DAVE: please DAVE: just once DAVE: shut the hell up CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HEE HEE HOO CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HEE HAA HEE HAA CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA DAVE: shut up CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA HAA CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HEE HEE HEE DAVE: shut CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO DAVE: the CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO DAVE: fuck CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO DAVE: up CALSPRITE:
Dave: Pester Rose.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -- TG: thats it i cant take it anymore TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass TG: im going back TT: Already?
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- TG: ok im in EB: in where?
TG: ok its me from the future EB: huh?
TG: he says i dunno gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to EB: this is like some terrible april fools prank.
DAVE: hey DAVESPRITE: sup
Rose: Pester Dave.
Rose: Prepare for nap.
You bundle up your knittings into a cozy nest.
Future Dream Rose: Cease to exist.
Davesprite: Troll GC.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] -- TG: dont talk to john anymore hes an impressionable doofus TG: your plan didnt work TG: i mean it did TG: but then suddenly it didnt TG: so you might as well quit trying GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S TG: what TG: youre aliens do you even have orange creamsicles GC: OF COURS3 WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL C1V1L1Z4T1ON WOULDNT 1NV3NT OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S GC: NOT ON3 1D W4NT 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH TG: ok pretty far fetched but whatever TG: no more hijinks from you cause ill make sure they wont work GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1 KN3W 1T W4SNT GO1NG TO WORK GC: MY FR13NDS H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO JOHN FROM TH3 FUTUR3 GC: YOUR FUTUR3 GC: WH3R3 H3S NOT D34D GC: SO TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y WH4T 1 D1D W4S GO1NG TO K1LL H1M GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M3SS W1TH H1M 4ND STUFF TG: i dont think youre following TG: you DID kill him sort of TG: then i went back in time to stop him GC: Y34H 1 G3USS3D TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T M1GHT H4PP3N TG: alright but TG: did you guess that by trolling john to his grave TG: and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline TG: that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along TG: where future me is now helping dave and we just keep playing TG: and our actions ultimately lead to the trouble youre all in now TG: thus leading you all to troll us incompetently GC: OH GC: NO >:[ GC: 1 D1DNT TH1NK OF TH4T TG: yeah TG: see TG: none of you ever thinks anything through TG: whos in charge of timeline management there TG: i gotta give him the business GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU GC: 4ND H4S M1SG1V1NGS 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 TH4T 3NTHUS1AST1C 4BOUT TROLL1NG YOU GUYS GC: 4ND TH3 ON3S WHO 4R3 SORT OF SUCK 4T 1T >:| TG: well at least you got john to off himself so i guess youre not totally incompetent like the others TG: like that awful rapper GC: SO JOHN 4CTU4LLY D1D WH4T 1 S41D?
Davesprite: Chill with Dave.
DAVE: who were you talking to DAVESPRITE: just telling a troll to step off DAVE: ok cool DAVE: so now that youre a sprite DAVE: do you know everything about the game DAVESPRITE: well i knew a lot anyway DAVESPRITE: cause im from the future DAVESPRITE: but yeah i know more stuff now DAVESPRITE: like things meant specifically for sprites to clue players in on DAVESPRITE: but packaged in these like DAVESPRITE: i guess riddles DAVESPRITE: im supposed to be cagey about it DAVESPRITE: but i dont really feel like it DAVESPRITE: ask me anything go ahead ill give you a straight answer DAVE: alright DAVE: here goes DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome DAVESPRITE: thats the best fucking question anybody ever asked DAVE: yeah DAVE: so is everything cool with this john business DAVE: is he gonna be ok DAVESPRITE: thats up to him DAVESPRITE: if he decides to wise up and listen to us DAVESPRITE: if not then we just bail everyone out yet again DAVE: ok DAVESPRITE: all that gear you picked up should let you breeze through the first couple gates DAVESPRITE: even at a low level DAVESPRITE: later youll unlock the ability to bring your sprite down with you DAVESPRITE: and well take care of shit together DAVESPRITE: til then i guess just mess around and let jade build up or whatever DAVESPRITE: ill go kill some time DAVESPRITE: maybe draw some comics DAVE: like what DAVESPRITE: i dont know DAVESPRITE: whats the last one you did DAVE: i was in the middle of the nancho party arc DAVESPRITE: oh yeah DAVESPRITE: i gave up on that half way through DAVE: yeah that was sorta the plan DAVE: making a ten part story about nachos was always a bullshit idea DAVESPRITE: lets do some brainstorming later DAVESPRITE: blow everyones minds DAVE: yeah sure
Meanwhile, hundreds of pages ago...
You open the package.
It is a STUFFED BUNNY.
so hey since its your bday i had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so i got you this godawful thing and now i just know youre standing there flipping your shit over it so youre welcome.
John: Get pestered by Dave.
TG: did you blast off like a spazzy douche yet or what EB: yeah, of course!
John: Get trolled by CG.
CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE.
AH: Engage in highly indulgent self-insertion into story.
AH: Examine wall.
You really wish your side of the wall had an off switch.
AH: Forget it.
You're just going to ask me to recap Homestuck though.
AH: Recap first year of Homestuck.
Homestuck began on April 13th, 2009, the 13th birthday of our chief protagonist and future boy-skylark, John Egbert.
AH: I didn't read any of that.
> MSPA Reader: Shut the hell up.
AH: Retrieve arm from background.
AH: Why don't you keep drawing Homestuck or something.
Oh, but I don't merely draw Homestuck...
I CONJURE THIS INTREPID FANTASYSCAPE WITH TEARS BLED FROM THE WISDOM-WEARY EYES OF FIFTY THOUSAND IMAGINARY MAGICIANS.
AH: This is stupid.
AH: Can you show us what's going on with John again?
AH: That sounds like a good idea.
Switch wall's view to show us what's going on with John.
You decide that's entirely enough of that.
John: Answer GC.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file "LOW4SM4P.FL4" -- EB: what's this?
John: Proceed to the second gate.
You spend the next twenty minutes staring at this image before you realize it's not a Flash file.
John: Get up.
Despite the pandemonium of your entrance, Rose is still sound asleep.
John: Answer Dave.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -- TG: wow ok TG: youre a little early TG: but thats fine i guess TG: also you suck at rockets EB: ARGH!
TG: ok i dont know what youre doing here TG: but i think we can both agree that youve got to rummage through as much of her shit as possible before she wakes up EB: man, i don't know how i feel about that!
John: Pick up books.
TG: now i need you to do something else TG: this is important TG: like for important game reasons and stuff TG: take the card the books are on TG: flip it over EB: umm...
John: Check Rose's bookshelf.
You eye your birthday package again curiously.
John: Look at a book.
You find a book full of beautiful poetry and groundbreaking philosophical thinking by American Sports Legend, Charles Barkley.
John: Take book.
You captchalogue Rose's autographed copy of THIS OCEAN CHARLES.
John: Oh, just open the package already.
You can't take it anymore.
John, I never got to thank you properly for your gift.
John: Put the bunny back in the box.
This gift from Rose is so cool.
John: Take box.
You gently CHAOS DUNK the fragile bunny back in the box and captchalogue it.
John: Deploy beloved daughter.
You release dear, precious Casey.
John: Answer troll.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species GA: I Have To Start Somewhere GA: And Somewhen GA: So I Am Starting With You GA: And Now GA: Its Going To Be Pointless And Unpleasant GA: Mostly For Me GA: Actually You Know What GA: Im Not Really Feeling This At All GA: Goodbye TT: she's not here right now, she's asleep!
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] GA: If Youre Not Too Busy Still Setting Up The Network GA: Perhaps You Could Come Show Me How To Activate The Viewport TA: ii am iin fact two bu2y 2tiill 2ettiing iit up.
[S] Rose and Dave: Shut up and jam.
Dave shows you some of his sweet gear.
Rose: First, be the pony.
You are now the pony.
You go in the ruins.
Maplehoof: Follow scent.
Good grief, look at all this grist.
Maplehoof: Collect grist.
You pick up all the grist, and store it in Rose's GRIST CACHE.
Rose's MOM stands on a small platform and disappears.
John: First, be the hat.
Rose stops being the pony just in time for John to start being the hat.
THE BREEZE carries you to where you need to go.
You settle in front of a man in sore need of a fresh hat.
John: Visit Rose's alchemiter.
You decide to try out the code Davesprite gave you.
John: Make item.
The thing is huge, and costs a fortune.
John: Shrink it down.
You use the alchemiter's scaling upgrade to reduce it to a more manageable and affordable size.
John: Pester Davesprite.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- EB: so what is this?
Rose: Check out Dave's computer.
It seems you have a visitor.
TA: Fix GA's computer.
There's nothing to fix.
Rose: Examine laptop.
Someone has been using your Pesterchum account.
Rose: Go find John.
You hurry to the door so you can catch John before he goes gallivanting off somewhere.
Rose: Proceed through door uneventfully.
You get dumped on by a bucket full of HELLACIOUS BLUE PHLEGM ANEURYSM GUSHERS as a thoughtful but mischievous thank you gesture from John.
John: Equip trusty rocket.
Rose obviously isn't waking up any time soon.
Why, Doctor Meowgon... do you want to come along for the ride?
Where is he off to now?
Dave: Be the puppet.
You have no idea what the hell that means.
Ok, this is the most ridiculous thing you have ever seen.
You spy a boat on the shore of one of the islands below.
Hoofprints in the sand.
There are many frightening and powerful monsters in here.
You stun them with the cool time powers of your awesome new hammer, and then dispatch them swiftly.
John: Collect spoils.
The good Doctor Spengler helps you gather the riches.
There's a platform over here.
John: Explore lab.
Now what in the hell is going on in here.
John: Explore lab further.
Now what in the hell is going on in here.
John: Who cares, just ride the pony already.
But seriously what in the hell is going on in here.
John: But seriously, keep exploring.
You find a sweet getup.
John: Put it on.
You equip the JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGIST'S LAB SUIT.
John: Examine nearby station.
NOW WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE???
You fail to resist the urge.
These hops are unreal.
You have traveled to Prospit's moon to board a shuttle headed for the BATTLEFIELD.
You have unwittingly been tailed by a nefarious COURTYARD DROLL from Derse.
You pilfer the WHITE QUEEN'S RING.
None the wiser, you board the shuttle.
You receive an incoming message from the DRACONIAN DIGNITARY.
The best way to remind yourself that you're carrying a ring is to put it on your finger.
Of course that was just an imaginary transformation, since the ring doesn't work like that on humans.
Meanwhile, in a Timeless Expanse...
Somewhere, a WARWEARY VILLEIN rues eternal struggle between feuding royalty.
Rose: Alchemize a whole bunch of cool stuff.
Rose: Combine hub and laptop.
You make the HUBTOP.
Rose: Combine bronzed vacuum and umbrella.
You make the BRONZED VACUUMBRELLA.
Rose: Combine salamander and eldritch plush.
You make a HUGGABLE SOFT SALAMANCER PLUSH.
Rose: Combine ink bottle and Gushers.
You make a box of BODACIOUS BLACK LIQUID SORROW GUSHERS.
Rose: Combine hubtop and hair band.
You make the HUBTOPBAND, a convenient hands-free computing device.
Rose: Combine magnetic W and bottle of vodka.
You make a bottle of MAGNETIC WODKA.
Rose: Combine wizard statue and ball of yarn.
You make a ball of SILKEN WIZARDBEARD YARN (WITH MAGICAL PROPERTIES).
Rose: Combine wizard statue and knitting needles.
You make a pair of NEEDLEWANDS.
Rose: Combine knittings and velvet pillow and squiddle shirt
You make a stylish VELVET SQUIDDLEKNIT DRESS.
Rose: Combine needlewands and grimoire.
You make the THORNS OF OGLOGOTH.
Rose: Aggrieve encroaching malefactors.
WELCOME TO THE PARTY MOTHERFUCKERS
You take advantage of Dave's nap to make some architectural headway on his building.
You are really proud of your floorplan.
Speaking of naps, you have been asleep for some time yourself.
Dave: Wake up and jam.
And by jam you mean alchemize of course.
Dave: Combine sunglasses and iPhone.
You make a pair of iSHADES.
Dave: Combine timetables and computer.
You make the TURNTOP.
Dave: Combine puppet tux + smuppet.
You upgrade the PUPPET TUX future Dave made.
Dave: Combine broken Caledscratch and ruby contraband.
You combine a couple more items you got from future Dave's loot stash.
Dave: Preview item with holopad.
You momentarily reconfigure your alchemiter upgrades to make use of the HOLOPAD EXTENSION.
Dave: Combine whole Caledscratch and ruby contraband.
Out of curiosity you try it again with a whole sword.
Dave: Combine shitty sword and Hella Jeff drawing.
You use one of your BRO'S really shitty swords from the fridge and a printout of Hella Jeff to make a SORD.....
Dave: Combine Snoop Dogg photo and mini A/C and Caledscratch
You make the SNOOP DOGG SNOW CONE MACHETE.
Dave: Combine skateboard and Hella Jeff drawing.
You make UNREAL AIR.
Dave: Make another one.
You just make another one.
Dave: Combine Gamebro Magazine and timetables.
You turn back the clock and make a VINTAGE GAMEBRO.
Dave: Combine batarang + Midnight Crew poster.
You make a whole pile of SUITARANGS because they are really cool and pretty cheap.
Dave: Combine plush puppet tux + Midnight Crew poster.
You make FOUR ACES SUITED.
Dave: Combine plush puppet tux + Felt poster.
This would make the FELT DUDS, if you had some of whatever that green grist is.
Dave: Combine smuppet and Felt poster.
You make a JUTTING OUT AND IMPUDENT FELT PLUSH.
Dave: Combine dead things in amber && smuppet.
You make a FOAM MUTANT SMUPPET ENCASED IN AMBER.
Dave: Combine dead things in amber || smuppet.
For the sake of science, you ||-combine them instead of &&-combine.
Dave: Combine fetus in a jar and Mr.
You make the FOAM FETAL MR.
You're looking pretty chill with your new freakshow entourage.
Dave: Combine camera and captchalogue card.
You make the CAPTCHAROID CAMERA.
Dave: Take photo of self.
You take one of your patented ironic cool guy self portraits.
Dave: Combine fetus in a jar and self portrait photo.
That would apparently make DAVE'S BRAIN IN A JAR.
Dave: Captcharoid the hologram of your own brain.
Ok, that's probably the weirdest thing you've ever done, but ok.
Dave: Combine brain and SBaHJ drawing and captcharoid camera
You make the SBAHJIFIER.
Dave: Try it out.
Looks like it automatically prints out a SBaHJ comic in some way related to whatever you take a picture of.
Dave: Make copies of Rose's journals.
Can't forget the most important thing you came up here to make.
Dave: Take a look.
One book is titled "MEOW".
Dave: Read it.
MWOEWEOWOEOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWOEWEOWMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWEOWOEW MEWMMWOMEWEOWEOEWOMOWEMWMOEWEOEMWMOMMWEMWOMWEWWMWMWOEWEO MWMWOWEOWMEOMEWEMOMWEMWMOEWMOEWMOEWMWEWOMEWMOEMWOMEWMEWE MWMOEOMMMOMOMOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMOWWMWWMWMOEWEO OOMOMOEEOMWMWEOWEOMWMOWMWEOMWEMWOWMWOEOMWEOMWWWMWEWEWEWO WOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWE OWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWEWEOWEOEWOMOWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEW EWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEW EWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWO WEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEM MMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWM WMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWM OWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEO WMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOM WEMMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWW MWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWE OMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMW
To no surprise at all, this book is full of more MEOW letters.
Dave: Read Complacency of the Learned.
Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock.
This wizard story seems really involved and kind of confusing.
Dave: Go get a bookmark.
You return to your room in search of a bookmark.
You drop it on the john in case you're looking for some reading material later.
TG: whoa why are you burning your wizard fanfiction TT: I'm not.
Davesprite: Also pester.
TG: so really why are you burning that TT: I just explained this to Other Dave.
Dave: Chill with Davesprite.
DAVE: so it was pretty funny how i made a copy of roses evil book right before she burned it and now she doesnt know about it DAVESPRITE: i know its crazy what kind of foresight this guy has DAVESPRITE: im telling you coincidences like that are unreal they dont even happen DAVESPRITE: most of the time DAVE: the best thing about how i did that is how it in no way will ever come back to bite us in the ass ever DAVESPRITE: dude our shit is SAFE DAVE: so safe DAVESPRITE: gonna sleep pretty sound tonight DAVESPRITE: with that big fucking payload of safety you just got dropped on us DAVESPRITE: gonna be all huggin my pillow and shit DAVESPRITE: grinning like a goddamn bear full of honey DAVE: safer than some flintstone vitamins in a bottle DAVE: keep twisting junior all you get is clicks DAVESPRITE: asshole thinks its candy DAVESPRITE: doesnt even know he just stepped on a security rake and got a face full of fucking safety DAVE: yeah DAVE: anyway guess ill go back down and burn that book DAVESPRITE: alright
Dave: Go back in time and stop the thief.
It looks like you already tried that.
Dave: Throw yourself out the window.
You ditch the body before Jade sees it.
John: Press a button on the control panel.
You push one of the nearby buttons.
John: Examine monitor.
The monitor displays a town on the west coast of the United States.
John: Zoom in.
An old woman is escorted by her son on a lovely day.
A meteor overhead looms unnoticed.
They witness the destruction of the facility.
You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the woman you recognize to be your grandmother.
The ghost sludge is sucked into a glass tube.
John: => SWITCH 4
You switch to a monitor displaying a view of a remote island in the Pacific, on December 3rd, 1995.
John: Zoom in.
A renowned billionaire explorer approaches on his yacht.
A meteor overhead streaks unnoticed, headed toward an unseasonably warm city in the central United States.
John: Press blue button.
You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the man you spotted in the woods with your book.
John: => SWITCH 3
You switch to a view of an unseasonably warm city in the central United States, on December 4th, 1995.
John: Zoom in.
An outrageously awesome dude stands before a crater where his favorite record shop stood one day prior.
He is prepared for the occasion with a small pair of outrageously awesome shades.
John: Press blue button.
You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the outrageously awesome dude.
John: => SWITCH 2
You switch again to a view of your neighborhood, on April 13th, 1996.
John: Zoom in.
A professional lady and new mother has traveled from the opposite coast at the behest of a famous and wealthy scientist to study one of numerous recent celestial anomalies while he is on expedition.
An old mother lost today, but a new son gained.
The gentleman discovers a clue.
But the monitor has not lost track of the lady.
John: Press blue button.
You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the professional lady.
Four young PARADOX CLONES are created.
John: There's one more button to push.
Ectobiology sure does involve a lot of button pushing.
One pair of tubes empties the sludge into the chamber below.
John: Scale echeladder.
You storm up your ECHELADDER to claim the coveted if difficult to pronounce rung: ECTOBIOLOBABYSITTER.
You surpass ONE MILLION BOONDOLLARS and trade them all in for a single whopping BOONBUCK.
Navigating the veil nearby...
An old man has much to do before he returns to Earth, dies, gets stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter-slash-grand-daughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace.
CG: Troll John.
CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT.
John: Tend to little pink monkeys.
They're scramblin' all over the place!
John: Get trolled by CG again.
CG: OK IT'S A FEW MINUTES LATER.
You are ripping up so many hellaceous shreds this fierceshitty biznasty is getting so deliriously rudebrazen it...
This thing is so completely illegal.
There is a large elevator platform ahead.
Below there is a dark cavernous room.
Deeper into the darkness of the room there is some complicated lab equipment.
There is a large monitor.
Eight days prior, the orphan girl was taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist.
There is an explosion in the colonel's back yard.
The colonel and his new grand daughter investigate.
People would think reports of the man's death were greatly exaggerated.
This is exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols.
An old colonel lost, but a new brother gained.
Thirteen years later, the boy develops a taste for adventure.
This all seems pointless to you, and immaterial to the crime that has been committed.
It is a high ranking agent from your kingdom.
He appears to be holding some notebooks.
Only one of the books is useful to him.
The TIME CAPSULE stores the seed, and on account of some default setting, is programmed to bloom several hundred million years from now.
The agent approaches another device near the large monitor.
John: Get trolled by CG in sane and linear manner.
CG: OK, I GOT BACK TO YOU.
EB: who is jack noir?
[S] John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter.
It'll be a few more pages.
Dave: Get trolled by GC.
GC: D4V3 WH4TS 1T SM3LL L1K3 TG: what GC: YOUR BLOOD TG: fuck off GC: D4V3 GC: G1V3 1T 4 L1TTL3 T4ST3 FOR M3 GC: T3LL M3 WH4T HUM4N BLOOD T4ST3S L1K3 GC: 1V3 B33N SO CUR1OUS >:] TG: youre the annoying blind one arent you GC: Y34H TG: dave told me about you GC: GOD GC: TOO M4NY D4V3S GC: 1TS L1K3 TH1S B1G 4SSHOL3 4ND COOL GUY P4RTY GC: BUT SOM3ON3 FORGOT TO 1NV1T3 4LL TH3 COOL GUYS GC: >;] TG: man im telling you burns like that are unreal TG: where do you even get a burn thats that sick GC: I B3T YOU C4NT W41T TO B3 4 US3L3SS P13C3 OF SH1T 4LL D4Y 4ND F4LL DOWN 4LL TH3S3 BURNS TG: no you messed that up GC: D4V3 D4V3 GC: 1S TH1S YOU GC: http://tinyurl.com/PUR3D4V3 TG: uh GC: PFF4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 TG: did you try to draw shades on his face and miss TG: whats even the point hes already wearing shades GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 GC: 1TS SO P3RF3CT TH4T 1S SO YOU GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H TG: this is moronic GC: D4V3 T3LL M3 WH4T YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS L1K3 GC: OR 1LL M4K3 4NOTH3R ON3 GC: 4ND 1 KNOW TH3S3 HURT YOUR F33L1NGS GC: >:D TG: i dont know what it smells like or tastes like TG: but i sure as hell know what it looks like TG: like a fuckin symphony on my retinas TG: shit is beautiful like a little vermilion picnic on my hands TG: every day i open my eyes i find poetry in even the simplest things TG: just one of those little joys in life you take for granted you know TG: this miraculous gift of vision GC: D4V3 D4V3 GC: CH3CK 1T OUT GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT GC: TH1S H4S GOT TO B3 YOU!
Jade: Get trolled by AT.
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] -- AT: jADE, hI, iS YOUR ROBOT NEARBY, GG: ummmmmm.....
Rose: Get trolled by GA.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- GA: Hello Again GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time GA: I Would Speculate That If We Are Not By Now Then It Is Probably Not To Be TT: Pardon?
Dave: Keep getting trolled by GC.
GC: D4V3 D4V3 GC: 1 F1N4LLY GOT 1T TG: oh hell GC: 1 F1N4LLY F1GUR3D 1T OUT GC: ONC3 4ND FOR 4LL GC: TH1S 1S YOU!!!!!!!
Hours in the future...
The warweary calls another broken planet home, another cloth his garb.
the recent past is recalled...
An ACCURSED MASCOT is located among fallen brethren.
A RAG OF SOULS drifts from the heavens.
A boy finds a dead friend.
The boy sees himself in a cloud.
Hours in the future...
A mistress becomes a mendicant.
the recent past is recalled...
A communication device is borrowed.
The slayer is summoned.
The droll is beckoned.
The boy finds the castle.
The mail is delivered.
The package is opened.
There is another letter from a different author...
dear john, happy birthday!!!!!!!
A boy's grief is interrupted.
The toy has taken a new master.
Hours in the future...
A regulator becomes a renegade.
the recent past is recalled...
A temple is fled.
A nearby laboratory is also revisited.
A sleeping boy is found.
The lab is in flight.
Another public servant makes a sacrifice.
A tyrant is retreating.
A grandfather mourns.
Hours in the future...
Her journey through the windswept must be walked alone.
A command station, repaired.
There's another cloud.
And inside, a dark laboratory, unused for years.
And inside, a FOURTH WALL, pilfered from a bureaucrat's office and absconded with years ago.
Picking up from where we left off...
ACT 5 ==>
Elsewhere in paradox space, we examine another planet, forgotten by time.
That is much better.
This young troll stands in his respiteblock.
You enter something predictably derogatory and this guy gets fed up by your shenanigans in record time.
Your name is KARKAT VANTAS.
Karkat: Examine slimy purple pod.
It is your RECUPERACOON full of nourishing SOPOR SLIME.
Karkat: Get in.
Ok, this sure is cozy and all, but you can't be napping all day like a chump.
Karkat: Examine movie posters.
Ok, it's time to get serious here.
Karkat: Captchalogue sickle.
You grab your trusty SICKLE with your ENCRYPTION MODUS.
Karkat: Take card vault.
Karkat: Examine large black book.
You make quite sure NOT to captchalogue it, and simply pick it up and read it.
It is a thick programming manual called "~ATH - A HANDBOOK FOR THE IMMINENTLY DECEASED."
Karkat: Leave your room.
You step outside your respiteblock, onto one of your hive's numerous extraterraneal landing slats.
Karkat: Examine neighborhood.
The lawnrings are empty.
You don't have time for fancy poetry.
Karkat: Go back inside.
You head back into your block and hit up your computer station.
Karkat: Check out magazine.
It's the latest issue of GAME GRUB.
Karkat: Check out DVD.
It is a DVD of one of your favorite series, THE THRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR.
Karkat: Get down to business on computer.
Ok enough messing around time to get some work done maybe a little programming or oh god.
Karkat: Answer troll.
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] TC: wHaT iS uUuUuP mY iNvErTeBrOtHeR?
Whoa what the motherfuck, who's this motherfuckin' motherfucker?
Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA.
Gamzee: Captchalogue bottle of Faygo.
You snag a bottle of FAYGO.
Gamzee: Captchalogue computer.
You take your HUSKTOP.
Gamzee: Ride one wheel device.
You decide to give this diabolical contraption another shot.
You do some sort of acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle and into a big pile of horns.
Gamzee: Sample delicious pie cooling on the counter.
It is still piping hot but you can't help yourself.
Gamzee: Take a juggling club.
You grab a JUGGLING CLUB.
Gamzee: Go outside.
You leave your hive and head out to the beach.
Someone is bugging you.
Gamzee: Retrieve husktop.
You say a short prayer to your beloved MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS, and splash a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST in your face.
Your sylladex launches your beverage far, far into the ocean.
You wonder if you can just...
Gamzee: Answer troll.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3??
Karkat: Get some programming done.
Finally some peace and quiet.
Karkat: Check out one of his files.
This code, when executed, immediately causes the user's computer to explode, and places a curse on the user forever, along with everyone he knows, and everyone he'll ever meet.
Karkat: Answer troll.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] TA: KK dont fliip your 2hiit about thii2 but iim 2ettiing you up two play a game wiith 2ome people.
Sounds like someone downstairs is getting pretty crabby.
Why, who's this young lady?
Your name is TEREZI PYROPE.
Terezi: Cut to the chase and begin LARPing immediately.
It's pretty hard to live action role play when there is no one who is alive nearby.
Most of the interrogation is in the intimidating silence.
Terezi: Slap him around a bit.
You don't want to slap too hard.
Terezi: Call a witness.
Oh, well played, Lemonsnout.
The prosecution begs your pardon, dear senator, but you appear to have dropped something.
Terezi: Sentence the criminal.
As the prosecutor, it is your job to reach a final verdict and sentence the reprehensible felon, while His Tyranny watches in silence and submits grim approval.
The coin tumbles through the air.
A favorable flip.
But, what are you so happy about, Mr.
SHE'S BLIND, REMEMBER?
Another triumph for justice.
You sure had to go to a lot of trouble to do that.
Terezi: Go get cane.
You take your WALKING CANE, which you use as a weapon kind of like Earth Daredevil who you've never heard of.
Terezi: Begin recruiting red team members.
Your nose begins scouring your chumproll through the saliva smears on your monitor for potential teammates so you can start playing.
Terezi: Troll AC.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] GC: *GC L4NDS ON YOUR WH3LP1NG STOOP 4ND R4PS ON YOUR C4V3 W1TH H3R NOBL3 4ND 3L3G4NT T4LON* GC: *4ND ONC3 W1TH H3R M1GHTY SNOUT FOR GOOD M34SUR3* AC: :33 < *ac saunters from her dark cave a little bit sl33py from the recent kill* AC: :33 < *ac uses one of her mouths to lick the fresh blood off her paws* AC: :33 < *and the other one to blow you a kiss!
Terezi: Troll TC.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3??
Terezi: Deal with Karkat.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] CG: HEY GUESS WHAT, BIG NEWS.
A little later...
After the KNIGHT OF BLOOD'S heroic arrival to the LAND OF PULSE AND HAZE...
You quickly crafted a new weapon, HOMES SMELL YA LATER.
Karkat: Deal with Terezi.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] CG: YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT.
You're not sure why you did that, really.
A little later...
Somewhere else entirely...
Rubbish from the LAND DWELLERS.
And later still...
We return to the Land of Pulse and Haze, so that we can rewind a bit.
Karkat: Deal with crabby customer.
You go downstairs and confront your custodian, which is another term for a frightening beast known as a LUSUS NATURAE.
You leap into the domestic fray in an attempt to mollify your nannying aggressor.
In fact, we are in such a hurry, you could almost say we need to get moving...
There's this pretty cool dude, ok?
Ok, what's her name?
It appears this cool and moody dude had a change of heart.
Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR.
Sollux: Equip throwing stars to strife specibus.
Why would you do that?
Sollux: Fling stars specibus-ward.
You make short work of the specibus and...
Sollux: Taste honey.
Sollux: Calm those bees down.
Sollux: Get to work at computer.
You are always up to your nook in the newest and hottest games.
Sollux: Recruit team leader.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] TA: TZ you want two be the leader of one of the team2?
Sollux: Deal with apocalypseArisen.
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] AA: did y0u set up the teams TA: 2tiill workiing on iit but yeah more or le22.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore.
You are highly startled by the totally unexpected explosion.
Karkat and his friends and everyone they would ever meet thereafter would experience great misfortune on account of the curse unwittingly implemented through Sollux's esoteric MOBIUS DOUBLE REACHAROUND VIRUS.
The game has no explicit rule that demands something dead for prototyping.
Why did you send Karkat that code?
While deleting your virus folders, you pause on one oddball file you have lying around.
But Sollux, even with his vision twofold, does not have the perceptional luxuries of our vision omnipresent.
Sounds like your lusus is agitated about something up there.
You keep your enormous BICYCLOPS chained to the roof of your COMMUNAL HIVE STEM.
Be the other girl.
You are now one of the five other girls.
Stop being the other girl.
You are now no longer the other girl, or any of the other five for that matter.
Your name is TAVROS NITRAM.
Tavros: Cut to the chase and play card games immediately.
You kickstart a rousing match of FIDUSPAWN, with the only friend you've got to play with in person, your loyal lusus TINKERBULL.
HORSARONI, I CHOOSE YOU!!!!!!
Tavros: Command faithful steed.
With a brooding whinny, Horsaroni shuffles his mighty hooves and makes short work of the fidusucker, boosting his vitals!
Tavros: Horsaroni: Spawntech -> Slumberbuddies.
You use your awesome bestial communion abilities and bend the ferocious stallion to your whim.
Good game everybody.
Tavros: Roll up your ramp.
This is how you get up to your recuperacoon when it's time to rest.
Tavros: Hop in.
You can't fit all the way in because of your huge horns.
Tavros: Take lance.
After a major cleanup rigmarole and a lot of crawling around your respiteblock, you equip your JOUSTING LANCE.
You like to practice your jousting outside.
Tavros: Admire posters.
You wheel over to your favorite poster featuring PUPA PAN, which is your favorite thing.
Way in the future...
Over the course of your long journey, at one point you were fitted with a cool pair of robolegs.
You were lucky enough to have a friend who didn't mind getting her hands dirty on account of your best interest.
The guy who likes to build robots just stood there and watched.
And way back again...
But before that you had to scoot around in your wheel device throughout the various worlds of the Medium, and endure all sorts of follies related to your disability, which on account of their great plurality and marginal relevance we will not get to see.
Tavros: Deal with AG.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] AG: Taaaaaaaavros.
Tavros: Rap with TC.
terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] TC: mOtHeRfUcK mY bRoThEr, Im So SoRrY i KiNd Of ZoNeD oUt ThErE.
You make your way through the burning woods to meet the lusus you never had.
Since the world is about to end anyway, you suppose it no longer matters if the DOOMSDAY SCALE is tipped.
The counterweight is the skull of an ancient mother grub, slain thousands of solar sweeps ago.
While she slept in her egg, she would communicate with you in your sleep.
As you learned, your dreams became more vivid.
The young lusus would take to the sky and promptly get herself killed.
The dragon never smelled it coming.
The doomsday device would display the amount of time you had to get back to your hive and enter the Medium before the forest was destroyed.
Be the other other girl.
You are now the other other girl.
Render the girl in a more symbolic manner.
Your name is ARADIA MEGIDO.
Aradia: Retrieve computer.
It's not up to you to decide what you retrieve from your sylladex.
Looks like the spirits are being cooperative today, if a bit cryptic, as usual.
Who's this douchebag?
You found this baffling artifact some time ago on one of your digs.
Aradia: Humor GA.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] GA: Hi Again Aradia AA: 0h n0000000 GA: So I Guess Tonight Is The Night You Blow Everything Up AA: 0_0 GA: Is There Nothing I Can Do To Change Your Mind AA: n0 AA: 0r yes AA: yes theres n0thing AA: and n0 y0u cant AA: but y0u sh0uldnt pretend as if y0u believe this has anything t0 d0 with the state 0f my mind AA: 0r the decisi0ns it will make 0r has already made GA: Yeah I Guess Not GA: I Thought Id Be Friendly Though GA: And Remind You That You Do In Fact Have A Hand In All The Terrible Things That Are About To Happen GA: Because Thats What Friends Are For GA: And The Fact That What Ensues Will Be Terrible GA: Is An Immutable Fact I Am Stating For The Record GA: And The Fact That We Will Not Be On The Same Team Is Similarly Immutable GA: It Does Not Mean That Teamwork Is What Isnt Taking Place Here AA: s0rry i didnt f0ll0w that GA: Ill Be Here To Help GA: If You Need Me AA: 0k AA: thanks
Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
Aradia: Check on Sollux.
You then had a conversation we already read, which began like this: AA: did y0u set up the teams And ended like this: AA: im c0ming up And then you went up.
Hmm, you wonder what she wants.
Aradia: Get bugged by AG.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiia!
Be the mysterious spider girl.
You try to be the mysterious spider girl and fail.
Sollux: Get back to Aradia.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] TA: aradiia ii would liike two apologiize, ii flew off the handle there.
Sollux: Look out window.
Ok, looking out this lousy stupid goddamn window.
When you would finally wake up, you'd discover all of your teammates had connected to each other and entered the Medium.
Sollux: Wake up.
The mind honey.
YOU DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE EAT THE MIND HONEY
Since that moody kid is busy flipping his bifurcated lid, we might as well take a moment to get to know this silly cat girl.
Your name is NEPETA LEIJON.
Nepeta: Retrieve claws from arms.
You are always wearing your CLAW GLOVES.
Nepeta: Scratch lusus behind ears.
She sure enjoys a good scratch!
Later there was a cave-in.
Nepeta: Examine computer.
You saunter over to your DRAWING TABLET COMPUTER.
Nepeta: Answer Karkat.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] CG: HEY.
Nepeta: Consult with friend on the matter.
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] AC: :33 < *ac twitches her friendly whiskers at ct* CT: D --> Hi AC: :33 < *ct purrplexes over where he put that important wrench that he n33ded for building a fancy robot or something* AC: :33 < *he says, now where did that silly old wrench go??
Nepeta: Give Tavros the bad news.
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] AC: :33 < *ac curls up in tavroses lap* AT: oKAY, *i, AT: fOR THE TIME BEING, aND, AT: fOR THE SAKE OF THIS FANTASY SCENARIO, i PRETEND, AT: tHAT MY CAT ALLERGIES AREN'T THAT BAD,* AC: :33 < *ac takes a long nap* AC: :33 < *and then wakes up and frowns because she has bad news* AT: *oH NO,* AT: iS, AT: wHAT i SAY, AT: aBOUT THE BAD NEWS, nOT THE NAP, AC: :33 < tavros im sorry i cant be on your team :(( AC: :33 < im not allowed AT: oH, AT: tHAT'S OKAY, AT: tHEN i GUESS HE SAID NO, tHEN, AC: :33 < yes unfurtunately AC: :33 < rarg im so mad!
You fondly recall your days of far more intensive role playing.
Some time ago...
You stand in your room on a healthy pair of legs and in a plucky little outfit.
Tavros: Contact fellow Team Charge member.
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AT: aRADIA, AT: mY GRUB IS LAYING NOW, sO AT: i'LL BE READY SOON, AA: c00l!
Tavros: Hatch campaign.
Your campaign's GAMING FLAPSTRACTIONS hatch out of their eggs.
They disperse throughout the terrain surrounding your hive.
Tavros: Go outside and begin adventure.
You take your starting position in the field.
A little later...
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] AG: Wellllllll?
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AT: aRADIA, AT: hEY, AT: aRE YOU THERE, AT: uHHH, AT: hMM, adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] AT: hEY, AT: tEREZI, AT: i HAVE A PROBLEM, AT: uHHHHHHH, arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] AG: No one can help you, Taaaaaaaavros!
AG: Tavros, have I mentioned how cute you look in that plucky little outfit?
AG: Fly, Pupa!!!!!!!!
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] AT: aG JUST JUMPED ME OFF A CLIFF, AT: wITH MY BRAIN, AT: aND, uHH AT: mY LEGS, aLSO, AT: aND NOW, tHEY FEEL, AT: iNVISIBLE, AT: wOW, i'M SURE THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT, AT: aNYWAY, AT: tHAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS, AT: tO REPORT ON THE SUBJECT, AT: oF ME GETTING HURT, CG: HEY ASSHOLE, STOP PLAYING GAMES FOR GIRLS.
Back in the present...
But not too far into the present.
Karkat: Be the other asshole.
You are now the other... oh.
You switch to a vague teaser of the final unseen troll in the nick of time.
Aradia: Go home.
You head back to your hive to get the blue team's session started.
You revisit the remains of your quaint rural hive.
Aradia: Begin session.
You have an arrangement to begin the session as co-leader with one of the blue bloods.
Aradia: Connect to server player.
You have a server player connect to you, someone you personally selected for the role.
Aradia: Tier 1 prototype.
Prototyping with the frog head before entering the Medium would prove to be critical for later success.
She really just had no idea what the hell was going on.
You enter the Medium, taking your place in the LAND OF QUARTZ AND MELODY as the MAID OF TIME.
Your server player's confusion is only in part due to learning the ropes of a new game.
Aradia: Tier 2 prototype.
She couldn't see you up until the moment after the sprite's second prototyping.
We are all completely blown away by this stunning revelation.
Nepeta: Interrogate frog girl.
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AC: :33 < aradia i can s33 you!
Aradia: Be the huge bitch.
Your name is VRISKA SERKET.
Vriska: Check out cool drawing on wall.
You drew your own role playing character for fun, as many Flarpers are prone to do.
Vriska: Proceed to computer.
You have a lot to do.
As you were saying.
Vriska: Take dice.
You equip your enchanted dice set, the fabled FLUORITE OCTET.
Vriska: Begin meddling.
Time to get this show on the road.
Vriska: Deal with this guy.
More hollow comebacks.
Vriska: Endure meddling.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] AG: Whaaaaaaaat.
Vriska: Check on lusus.
You go down the like fifty million stairs to her nest below.
You pass by one of your completed doomsday devices.
See, look at this.
You guess there's no delaying this guy's introduction anymore.
Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK.
Equius: Check on lusus.
Now where did that craven excuse for a custodian go.
Equius: Thank Aurthour.
You accept the frosty beverage and give the good fellow a grateful pat, as gently as possible.
Seriously, he's like a soft summer peach.
Equius: Drink lusus milk.
Lusus milk is the secret to being STRONG.
And as usual, it sends you into a rage.
Equius: Equiup a bow.
You mean equip.
You also keep a plain old BOWKIND SPECIBUS in the event that you are able to fire an arrow some day.
You proceed to have a conversation we read not all that long ago.
Equius: Talk to friend/enemy.
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] CT: D --> Have I ever told you what a reprehensible disgrace you are TC: hAhA, fUcK yEaH, oNlY eVeRy MoThErFuCkIn DaY bRo!
Vriska: Be in cahoots with Equius.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] AG: Equiiiiiiiiuuuuuuuus.
Equius: Go check on Aradia's present.
You delve deeper into your hive where you store many of your robotic projects.
Equius: Remove tarp.
You reveal her sparkling new chassis.
And just what do you think YOU'RE looking at???
The CATENATIVE DOOMSDAY DICE CASCADER is unfortuitously activated.
The lousy thing breaks.
Vriska: Meddle with Terezi.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] AG: It looks like tonight we will have to 8reak our truce.
And much earlier than that...
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] GC: HOW 1S H3 AA: 0k AA: he cant walk th0ugh AA: pr0bably never will GC: >:[ GC: M4YB3 H3 COULD B3 F1X3D GC: W1TH ROBO PROSTH3T1CS GC: 1F YOU D1DNT M1ND G3TT1NG H3LP FROM...
It's probably best you listen to the advice of your friend.
Aradia: Make her pay.
It's a shame it had to come to this.
Vriska: Answer white text guy.
Vriska: Make her pay.
Of course he's right.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaa.
It must be a trick!
AG: Arrivederci, Megido.
Be the white text guy.
You try to be the white text guy, but fail to be the white text guy.
What's he up to now?
GC: H3Y WH1T3 T3XT GUY GC: 1 H4V3 4 T1P FOR YOU How were you able to contact me?
Terezi: Orchestrate demise of the wicked.
She went too far this time and she knows it.
Terezi: Contact partner in crime.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] GC: H3Y VR1SK4 GC: 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y AG: Ummmmmmmmm, no?
Vriska: Consult little advantage.
She can't be serious.
You consult with your MAGIC CUE BALL, an extremely rare treasure you recently plundered from an ancient crypt, and one of many rumored to be hidden across the globe.
Someone with VISION EIGHTFOLD.
Terezi: Inform Mr.
In the aftermath of more recent misfortune...
One retrieves his dead custodian from the rubble below.
You guess you've got to put her down.
Maybe the dead girl is on to something.
Seven of the FLUORITE OCTET land, narrowing the field down from the full 8^8.
Au revoir, spidermom.
Your mercy killing triggers another avalanche.
Vriska: What's her deal????????
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AG: What's your deal????????
And soon, in a place known as the LAND OF CAVES AND SILENCE...
Equius: Let her know the deal.
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] CT: D --> Aradia, here's the deal CT: D --> Now that the game has begun, the plan will be modified slightly CT: D --> We will not be co-leaders of the b100 team CT: D --> I alone will be the leader CT: D --> Is that understood AA: thats fine CT: D --> Good CT: D --> Wait CT: D --> You have no objection CT: D --> Are you sure AA: n0 AA: im 0k with it CT: D --> Do you typically embrace such a passive attitude when your superiors give you orders AA: i d0nt usually receive 0rders fr0m superi0rs 0r 0therwise AA: but really its fine CT: D --> Hmm AA: what CT: D --> I think I should get a towel CT: D --> I'm perspiring heavily again AA: why AA: whats wr0ng CT: D --> Never mind CT: D --> I'm trying to stay professional about this AA: ab0ut what AA: what are y0u talking ab0ut CT: D --> Forget it CT: D --> It's just pleasant to consort with one of lesser breeding who clearly understands her place AA: ive underst00d f0r s0me time that this will be my r0le AA: t0 functi0n as y0ur server player AA: and that y0u w0uld be the team leader as the first in the chain CT: D --> Perfect CT: D --> Then we are on the same page CT: D --> I 100k forward to seeing how well you serve me, server player AA: uh AA: thats n0t quite the meaning 0f the w0rd server CT: D --> What do you mean AA: as y0ur server i manipulate y0ur envir0nment t0 help y0u advance CT: D --> I don't understand CT: D --> Are you CT: D --> Are you saying CT: D --> That CT: D --> You are in a position of control over me AA: i supp0se s0 CT: D --> Oh AA: what CT: D --> Oh my God AA: 0_0 CT: D --> This is CT: D --> Impropriety of a caliber I cannot even CT: D --> It's CT: D --> You are as low on the hemosprectrum as possible CT: D --> To consider that someone so low could be in a position of authority over me is CT: D --> It's just so CT: D --> Disgusting AA: y0u really are quite a sn0b CT: D --> No it's CT: D --> FILTHY AA: 0_0 CT: D --> I need some air CT: D --> Or some cold milk CT: D --> Or a towel, I need a towel CT: D --> Where the fuck are all my fresh towels CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> Fiddlesticks, please pardon my language CT: D --> It won't happen again AA: y0u l00k really agitated AA: are y0u sure y0ure alright
CT: D --> I'm fine CT: D --> I'll be fine CT: D --> I just need to breathe CT: D --> And to break something possibly AA: break s0mething CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> It helps me rela% AA: 0h AA: i think i understand CT: D --> Do you AA: i like breaking things AA: i didnt used t0 but n0w i d0 AA: its fun AA: um AA: hell0 AA: are y0u sure y0ure 0k CT: D --> Yes AA: y0u really d0 l00k like y0ure sweating pretty hard CT: D --> I just need a blasted towel CT: D --> Where ever did that Aurthour get off to AA: maybe y0u sh0uld break s0mething AA: t0 try t0 calm d0wn CT: D --> Perhaps AA: d0 y0u want me t0 break s0mething CT: D --> Whoa what AA: i c0uld break s0mething if y0u want CT: D --> Do you CT: D --> Want to break something AA: kind 0f CT: D --> I, uh CT: D --> Ok
AA: equius im ab0ut t0 thr0w an abluti0n trap thr0ugh y0ur wall AA: heads up CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Yes that was wonderful AA: it was pretty c00l CT: D --> But could you please refrain from dipping into the vernacular of commoners CT: D --> In fact, this is an order from your leader CT: D --> Call things by their proper names AA: what AA: y0u want me t0 call it a bath tub AA: that s0unds ridicul0us CT: D --> Nevertheless, do it AA: fine CT: D --> Now CT: D --> Could you please CT: D --> Uh CT: D --> Do that again AA: what AA: y0u want me t0 thr0w the trap thr0ugh y0ur wall again AA: i mean the tub CT: D --> Yes AA: is that an 0rder CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Wait CT: D --> I don't know AA: what d0nt y0u kn0w CT: D --> Maybe I don't want to order you to CT: D --> Maybe I want CT: D --> You to do whatever things that you want to do AA: i really have n0 idea what y0ure talking ab0ut CT: D --> You could cause quite a bother for me, with the power you wield CT: D --> I can do nothing to stop you, peasant girl CT: D --> It's so magnificently depraved AA: y0u are s0 weird AA: and this is c0ming fr0m a gh0st AA: ribbit CT: D --> What was that CT: D --> Are you role playing now CT: D --> Stop, it's unbecoming AA: s0rry CT: D --> You're better than that CT: D --> And by better, I mean worse CT: D --> Much, much worse CT: D --> Downright coarse and degenerate CT: D --> Just reprehensibly sordid AA: 0_0 CT: D --> Actually CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> You may role play and proceed to deepen this already irretrievable debauchery CT: D --> In fact I command it CT: D --> I command you to have free will and do as you please CT: D --> And continue being bothersome and unpredictably destructive CT: D --> I mean CT: D --> If you want AA: im n0t really r0le playing AA: im part fr0g AA: but 0k AA: i guess i can break s0me m0re stuff AA: ribbit CT: D --> Yes CT: D --> Ribbit again AA: i cant really c0ntr0l the ribbits
CT: D --> I will make haste through this mysterious realm and find your gate CT: D --> It will pose no challenge for me at all AA: yeah i kn0w CT: D --> I will then give you your new body, and you may take your rightful place as my subordinate AA: sure CT: D --> Actually CT: D --> Now I'm beginning to wonder AA: what CT: D --> Whether I want you to be my subordinate CT: D --> Hmm CT: D --> I hope this doesn't sound too strange AA: everything y0u say s0unds strange CT: D --> Maybe I would like you to be the co-leader again AA: 0k CT: D --> In fact CT: D --> Oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm entertaining this thought CT: D --> It feels just vile CT: D --> Try not to roll your eyes at me AA: i d0nt have pupils CT: D --> Would you mind terribly CT: D --> Being the leader AA: fine CT: D --> But CT: D --> Don't tell anyone CT: D --> You will be the leader of me, and I will lead all else CT: D --> You would in effect be the secret leader AA: yeah sure AA: thats pretty much h0w it is anyway CT: D --> Yes, that's the spirit CT: D --> You take to authority well for one of your b100d AA: i d0nt have bl00d CT: D --> Not yet CT: D --> But soon your heart will beat anew, and through it, fresh b100d and fresh passion AA: 0_0 AA: w0w uh AA: can y0u just bring me the r0b0t already CT: D --> On my way centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] AA: ribbit
Equius: Proceed to second gate.
This poses no challenge for you at all.
Equius: Deliver present.
ARADIASPRITE: it l00ks nice EQUIUS: D --> Yes EQUIUS: D --> It is perfect in every way ARADIASPRITE: ribbit EQUIUS: D --> Do you EQUIUS: D --> Have a clean towel anywhere
Aradiasprite: Enter soulbot.
EQUIUS: D --> I think it suits you EQUIUS: D --> Much more so than the form of a levitating ghostly amphibian EQUIUS: D --> How does it feel ARADIABOT: it feels ARADIABOT: different!
ARADIABOT: did y0u pr0gram this r0b0t t0 have feelings f0r y0u?
Nepeta: Update wall.
You consult your SHIPPING WALL.
Karkat: Recruit Vriska.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND PREPOSTEROUS GIVEN OUR LAST CONVERSATION.
CG: HE HAS SOME INSIDE INFORMATION ABOUT HIS KINGDOM.
Be Jack a few minutes ago...
You find the kid you've been looking for.
He still won't shut up.
Jack: Look at knife.
You don't see what the big deal is.
It seems he's the only one of his kind with this mutant candy-red blood.
Karkat: Be in cahoots with Jack.
You and your like-blooded accomplice soon put OPERATION REGISURP into motion, a contingency plan which the archagent conveniently had on file and named himself.
But before a single step is taken, Jack briefs you on the intelligence uncovered by one of his agents.
She could not stand bearing the visage of the most loathsome creature known to existence.
She removed the ring and concealed it in the ROYAL VAULT while she was quite sure no one was looking.
Red team: Execute Operation Regisurp.
The operation in time would be a total success.
Until she was given a new purpose.
But at the onset, you would know nothing of the queen's aversion to an amphibious likeness, or about her orbs twelvefold, or any such details.
You would begin to notice a strange pattern.
And your prototypings would affect theirs.
Though the signs pointed to two distinct sessions - two sets of mystic ruins, two opposing teams, two separate chains of connected players - this was all misleading.
You were joining a particularly unusual bifurcated session, meant from the start to receive all twelve players through two separate connection chains.
In the more drawn out form of this adventure's narrative, figuring this out would have been a huge deal.
But since we've decided to engage this epic in shorthand, you feel you must insist that we continue with this expository interlude.
After watching the phrases MOBIUS DOUBLE and REACH AROUND toggle for a few minutes while in a sort of stupor, you finally snap out of it.
For that matter, what about this young lady?
And pages and pages and pages.
Seriously, it could take forever.
Your name is KANAYA MARYAM.
Kanaya: Equip chainsaw.
Kanaya: Fine, equip that then.
Alright, let's settle down.
You can choose between your trademark jade or black.
Kanaya: Answer CC.
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] CC: )(-ELLO!
Kanaya: Check on lusus.
You had nearly forgotten.
Kanaya: Go downstairs.
She brought you this far.
Kanaya: Captchalogue that thing.
You secure the MATRIORB through your CHASTITY MODUS.
Look at this mess.
Kanaya: Meddle with moirail.
You will put her out of your mind for a while.
Kanaya: Answer CA.
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] CA: kan make her talk to me do somethin GA: Who CA: your no good connivvin fuckin backstabbin girl crush thats wwho GA: Overstating Our Relationship Wont Make Me Feel Very Cooperative GA: Its Paler Red Than That Ok CA: pshhhhhh that is a fuckin laugh and you knoww it evveryone does CA: so help me out tell her to talk to me i think she blocked me you got to GA: Why Do I Got To GA: I Dont Got To And Every Time You Take My Help For Granted I Feel Like I Got To A Little Less CA: wwhatEVVER you are so the vvillage twwo wwheel devvice wwhen it comes to auspisticing CA: you cant let a grudge go by you wwont stick your busy stem betwwixt so get wwith the program fussyfangs GA: If Your Slander Werent So Predictable Id Block You Too For Saying That GA: Has It Occurred To You She May Have Blocked You Because You Are Vvery Ovverbearing GA: I Just Said That Aloud Now In Your Silly Accent And Had A Private Moment Of Enjoyment CA: wwho givves a shit wwhy she blocked me or about my fuckin manners come on youvve got a wway wwith her CA: i figure if youre going to auspisticize any twwo brinesuckers wwho sneer at each other a funny wway you might as wwell make it official and be ours right GA: Your Black Solicitation Just Seems Really Indecent GA: What Do You Want From Her Anyway CA: she made me somethin per a prior arrangement CA: she wwill delivver it wwhen wwe meet in this game but i dont knoww wwhat the logistics are yet CA: im tryin to connoiter wwith her here but shes blowwin me off again fickle dirtscrapin landhag GA: What Is It CA: kan stupid wwhat do you think its a fuckin gizmo to bloww up the wworld or somethin CA: ok wwell not that obvviously CA: but somethin thatll kill all land dwwellers wwhat else wwould i be after GA: Can You Just For A Moment Entertain The Thoughts Of One Untouched By Megalomaniacal Derangement And Tell Me Why Id Want To Assist You With That CA: wwell CA: im not goin to vvery wwell kill you am i that wwould be fuckin unconscionable CA: wwhat kind of friend wwould i be GA: Also Speculate For A Moment That Self Preservation Might Not Be What Would Sway My Decision CA: yeah go ahead and kiss us off but therell be blood on your hands CA: you could either play along as our auspistice and do a little mediating like you wwere fuckin hatched to CA: or wwatch she and me devvolvve into fuckin full fledged kismesisses the kind like you dont get once in ten thousand swweeps CA: you knoww thats wwhat it wwould be there wwould be rainboww rivvers runnin through star systems and all nebulizin like liquid firewworks CA: it wwill be beautiful and heartbreaking all at once CA: you should read up on your history instead of poring through that godawwfull sunny rubbish GA: Its Just GA: Laborious Listening To This GA: Im Sorry GA: None Of It Matters CA: yeah it does its important sorry but the fate of the race and purity of the bloodline is important excuse me for being concerned GA: I Know GA: But You Really Should Know By Now The World Will End Tonight Regardless GA: Land And Sea Dwellers Alike Will All Die GA: Because Of The Game We Are About To Play GA: And I Agree The Fate Of The Race Is Important But Its In My Hands Now GA: All Of Ours Really CA: huh CA: wwell ok GA: Really CA: ordinarily id call bullshit on terrible stinkin bs like that but i knoww you dont really lie about stuff CA: unless its to yourself CA: but thats wwhy i bother evven talking to you i wwouldnt evven be here SAYIN any of this otherwwise CA: so did your clouds tell you that GA: The Doomsday Scenario In Particular GA: No Not Exactly CA: i got clouds and they dont tell me SHIT they hide nothin but misfortune and monstrosities CA: fuckin pain in the ass fuckin clouds CA: so howw do you knoww then GA: I Have Another Source CA: ok wwell you are jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many wways i dont knoww wwhat to say anymore CA: wwhatevver wwe wwill just play and find out i guess CA: so can you tell her to talk to me anywway GA: No CA: god dammit CA: she and me are teammates wwevve got to havve a powwwwoww or SOMETHING GA: You Arent Actually On The Same Team CA: fuck CA: fine i get it ill step off CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that GA: No Thats Not It CA: yeah it is your real feelins run pretty awwful RUDDY methinks evverybody knowws it CA: especially that assblood karkat he and me havve you so pegged about that its upright silly CA: but its cool its totally fine dont wworry ill leavve you alone and givve you a shot GA: Its Unbelievable GA: Her Patience CA: wwhat CA: wwhoa wwait wwho GA: Never Mind CA: ok wwait did she talk to you today CA: wwhat did she say CA: or glub or wwhatevver GA: Something About Longing To Touch You Indiscretely CA: WWWWHAT GA: And That Shes Basically In The Scarlet Throes For You GA: As Deep In The Flushed Quadrant As One Can Be CA: wwait CA: did she actually say that CA: in confidence GA: To The Letter CA: can you copy exactly wwhat she said GA: Absolutely Not CA: this is bullshit youre bee essing me in some wway awwful CA: you dont lie but you do tease and ill tranfuse my kickass royal blood out wwith incontinent musclebeast discharge if i wwont knoww wwhen im gettin hooked GA: Yeah GA: Shes Just A Concerned Moirail GA: Looking Out For You GA: Thats All CA: awwww fuck CA: see im tellin you CA: you got to play your cards right GA: What Do You Mean CA: if youre not savvvvy about howw you define yourself to people CA: you can just splash into the moirail zone before you knoww wwhich wways upwward GA: Oh GA: Hmm CA: kan its hard GA: What CA: being a kid and growwing up CA: its hard and nobody understands caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
Kanaya: Return to room.
There is a lot to do before you enter.
In one dream, the clouds pointed you to the address of a server hidden in an obscure pocket of a realm unknowable to mortals.
You have little doubt their victory was because of their leader, a great heroine, the TENTACLETHERAPIST.
Having narrowly dodged obliteration, you take your place as the PAGE OF BREATH in the LAND OF SAND AND ZEPHYR.
And in time...
AT: i THINK THIS, iS, AT: pROBABLY MEANT TO ANTAGONIZE ME, AG: What are you talking a8out.
AG: Apologize, Pupa!
Tavros: Summon Rufio.
Now she's done it.
But unfortunately, Rufio is not real.
AG: Hey, what's your deal!
Vriska: Scurry downstairs.
You make your way down to one of your innumerable LOOT STRONGHOLDS where you stash riches and gold and jewels and prizes plundered during your campaigns.
Vriska: Go back up.
AG: Quit cleaning up after me!!!!!!!!
Tavros: Fly, Pupa!!!!!!!!
Tavros: Lead fearsome entourage into ruins.
Tavros: Confer with teammate.
AT: yESSSS, aNOTHER PIECE FITS, AT: wE ARE MAKING SOME STRICT PROGRESS ON THIS PUZZLE, AG: Oh.
Tavros: Look at map.
AT: wHERE DOES IT GO, AG: I have determined from your consorts that there is a terri8le monster deep underground.
Tavros: Point cherry vehicle toward X on map.
You proceed through what seems to be your second gate, into the LAND OF MAPS AND TREASURE.
Vriska: Help Pupa find shadow.
Of course, the secret to reuniting with your shadow is to get up and walk around.
Vriska: Apply special stardust.
Everyone knows that just a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST along with a happy thought will allow any boy to get up and walk again.
Pupa remains as pathetic and useless as ever.
Vriska: Make Pupa have happy thoughts.
Kanaya: Deal with your own crisis.
Whew, crisis resolved.
Kanaya: Return to serving client.
So THAT'S why she had you make this dress for her???
MOTHERSPRITE: There there, sweetheart.
Kanaya, it's hard.
Being a kid and growing up.
Try to understand.
The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable.
Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT.
Examine flushed quadrant.
When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS.
Examine caliginous quadrant.
When a pair of adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS.
Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle.
Examine ashen quadrant.
This quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature.
The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside.
An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships.
Examine pale quadrant.
This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship.
And yet others will seem to have been hatched for each other.
God you just can't get enough of this can you!
Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts.
But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny.
MADE FOR EACH OTHER.
Attempt 2x transition combo.
Looks like it worked.
Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA.
Eridan: Do something awesome.
Ok, that guy is pretty much squared away.